Here we are: in the last remaining hours of 2012.  It's sounds so drastic when it's put like that...  Now, I've always been one that's down for a party, but really when it comes to partying, this is my least favorite holiday.  Every bar is super crowded.  I remember one year we spent it with some of the Wrangell crew, downtown Seattle.  What a nightmare.  You can't hardly get a drink, there's no music, etc.  It makes me nervous being on the road, because you know there are a lot of smashed people out there.  It also takes forever for the cab to get there to pick you up.  For years, Brian and I kept of the faccade of going out on NYE and trying to act as if we hadn't gotten old.  We usually went out with Randy and Jody.  I probably mentioned this last year, but my fave NYE, was 1999.  Do you remember when everyone thought it was going to be the end of the world, and all of the computers weren't going to work, etc?  During the countdown Jody totally panicked and started to get under the table.  Living on the west coast, of course we were the last time zone to countdown (well, except for AK).  OMG.  I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life.  Good times.

A couple of years ago we had a few couples over to our house and had a nice time, but that's the last time we've done anything.  Brian usually falls asleep by 9, as do the kids.  Sometimes I'll stay up watching Dick Clark or Carson Daily, depending on what musical acts they have on, but making it to midnight really isn't that important to me.  So, how have I spend the last day of 2012?  Well, I'm still not feeling great, so I've really just hung low.  I've spent a lot of the day, as well as yesterday going back and reading this blog from the beginning.  I'm now through May.  Wow...  So, the last thing I just did was watch the video I posted.  And now, I can add 10 lbs or more onto that weight.  Seeing that video was super depressing....and eye opening....  Because I'm not feeling well, I had no plans to drink tonight, but hell...maybe I will now.  Sure, I've been in p.j.'s all day (actually fresh ones, I did shower).  I've started feeling better as the day has gone on, so I had Brian put together the treadmill (we've been here since July and hadn't done it, yet).  I feel good that we got that out of the way.  I've been able to get lots of laundry done.  Oh, that reminds me: I need to change out Cal's bedding.  Brian took Cal into the Dr. today, and he has a sinus infection.  He'll at least have two doses of the antibiotic in him before he goes to sleep tonight.  I'm hoping that'll help him feel better.  Poor kiddo.  I made a cake earlier today and cleaned up after dinner.  I feel like I at least contributed to the house today.  Brian and I plan on watching "Forks Over Knives" tonight.  I'm wanting to re-educate myself going into this New Year.  I plan on really working on my diet starting the 2nd.  I even took that day off of work, so I wouldn't have any excuses on the first day.  Oh, and Ryne plans on trying to stay up until midnight be playing video games.  You know what, it's most likely he'll be the only one of us to see 2013 arrive tonight.

In going back through the blog, I forgot that I'd done a little recap of the previous year.  I think I'll do that again tomorrow.  Hopefully I'll have read through everything by the end of tomorrow.  Holy shit....I really didn't realize just how long winded I am.  :)

My Friends, I wish you a wonderful night.  Please be safe and have a drink for the boring couple in Byron, IL.

Cheers,

Jen

I haven't felt very good the past couple of days.  I guess having a sick Caleb sleep with me, cough, sneeze, etc. on me finally got me. Well, that and let's face it: I've been eating like shit!  I've caught
Cal's cold, but before that I've been feeling the effects of how poorly I've
been treating my body.  I've had
heartburn, gas..., and an overall feeling of just feeling like crap.  I told a friend I'm catching Cal's cold, and they told me to make sure to get home and take some vit C and make some juice. 
Good diet has been so far from my mind, that really, something so elementary hadn't even occurred to me. Or maybe I didn't want to think about it...  So, yesterday I started my day with a glass of water (which I usually do every day, but hadn't in a while), and then took some Vit C thing that dissolves in water. I ate a banana on the way to work, and at lunch ran up and bought a box of Cuties.  I had a couple of those, and for Cal's birthday dinner I ordered a side
of carrots and celery.  I did these things in addition to the crap I had (doughnut, soda, pizza brought in to work, Buffalo Wild Wings).  But I must
say, my body has responded.  I'm sure my body still hates me, but it's rewarding me with allowing me to feel better today than I did yesterday. 
I know my body has been starved for anything fresh and non-processed.  I've gone days at a time without eating anything healthy. And you know how I weighed myself a few weeks ago or so, and I was at 223, the highest I'd been in years?  I then got my crap together and I think I was 217 last time I checked.  Well, at the Dr. this week I was 230....  I wasn't going to talk about that number on here.  It's so very shameful....  But I spent my awake time during the middle of the night (there's almost always a couple hours of it), really thinking about what I'm doing to myself.  My normal reaction would be to beat the shit out of myself.  I mean, the Dr. literally doubled the dosage on my new antidepressant
this week.  I am so ashamed.  So, my mind wants to start tearing myself apart, but instead....I'm thinking well shit, this isn't a great starting point, but let's start putting yourself back together.  Not punishing myself...such a novel idea.  I have to let my old ways go, before I literally have a stroke or a heart attack.  I'm not saying this stuff lightly.  I know how I punish myself.  I know my sleep patterns would make anyone crazy.  I'm sure that my eating habits have sent people younger than me to an early grave.  I have no doubts about that one.

In the middle of the night, as I lay there and thought about all of these things.  I
thought about all of the reasons I want to live.  I want to know what it feels like to truly be in shape. I was in great shape the first half of my life, but I can hardly remember that, and even then, I felt disgusted with my body and felt that I was the only fat person on the face of the earth. So, I want to know what healthy and being fit feels like and appreciate it.  I want to put on a sleeveless shirt and feel great about it.  Now, I can't even buy a normal short sleeve shirt, it has to be long enough to cover up most of the fat, cellulite, and stretch marks. I know this must sound vain saying this, before mentioning about how I
want to live for my family.  I do.  I truly do. I can't even imagine the pain I would bring to Brian and the boys if I were to have a heart attack tomorrow, not to mention the fact that Holley would be cussing at my coffin and kicking it (lol...I mentioned that a couple entries ago).  So, that's a pain I really don't want to think about.  What I thought of was what a great birthday Cal had yesterday. Despite him still being sick, he had a great day.  I had to work, but Brian took the boys to breakfast in the a.m., and spend the day with them.  I left work an hour early in order to get home and go out to Rockford with them. But first, we let him open his gifts from us (all Nascar related) and a bunch of scented candles.  Really, Cal wanted candles.  He loves to smell things.  Even walking through a store last night, he stopped at a lipstick display
and just started smelling.  I thought about how much I love these moments, even though they might not be the norm, how happy they make him.  I thought about Ryne and all the things that drive me crazy about him.  He really is just like me...  Poor kiddo.  But I thought about how much I love him and how proud I am of how much love his heart truly holds.  I'm not kidding when I say
he's been up for an hour and a half, and he's probably told me he loves me 10
times already. I know he has a nervousness about him, but he is all heart.  He always has been.  I thought about Brian and how much he loves me and how I've felt my love grow for him. He never says anything about my weight, which is astonishing to me.  Sometimes I wish he'd tell me he's worried about me, and wants to support me in losing weight.  But he would never say anything that he thinks might hurt my feelings.  I actually wish I could change this about him, but he loves in the best way he knows how, and I'm so fortunate to be married to him.  So, I'm not going to approach getting healthy out of a place of fear.  I want to approach it out of a place of love. A place of love for myself.  Loving myself is not always easy, but I feel like I've come a long way in this regard.  I am proud of myself for this.

My plan over the next couple of days is to read the blog from start to finish.  I don't believe I've ever done that.  The only time I ever go back and re-read any entry is if I'm afraid I may have said something that might hurt someone's feelings.  I try not to do that, but the blog comes from such a raw place, that I do say exactly what's on my mind.  But at the same time, I'm cognizant to the fact that someone may hear about something I've written and it may upset them.  For this reason, there are certain things in my life or past, that I consider off limits for this blog.  And really, off limits to most everyone.  But anyway, I plan to read it in an effort to learn about my bad patterns.  I want to come face to face with some trigger points.  I don't think going back and reading this is going to be easy. Depression really has taken a hold of my life way too many times.  There are things I know I don't want to relive.  I'm hoping this exercise will prove to be a valuable one, though.  And hey, it's the end of another year, so what better timing? As always, thanks for reading this. I
appreciate the love and understanding that I've heard from some of you over this
past year and a half.  You really
have no idea how much some of your messages have touched my heart, and how I
keep your kind words close to my heart.


Wishing you a fantastic day,


Jen

On my way into work this morning, I heard: Shower the People, by James Taylor.  I also heard it while driving in two days ago.  Shower the people you love with love, let them know the way that you feel.  I love the concept of this song.  We get so busy in our everyday lives that we forget to reach out to those that mean so much. In the Christmas Eve entry I talked about reaching out to those we haven’t talked to in a while to let them know they were on our minds.  I’m guilty in that I didn’t really do it that day, but I felt so very good to hear from a couple of people that I don’t have the opportunity to talk to all that often. A rep I used to work with, who became a good friend, sent me a text.  Hearing from him, made me feel so good.  I also heard from Gerry.  Hearing from G, really made my heart warm.  He has so much going on all the time, and he took the time to think of me and let me know he was doing so.  Coincidentally, yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of his biking accident. 
You’ve never seen such determination out of someone and so much want of
life.  He’s worked so very hard.  His goal has been to get rid of the wheelchair entirely by the 1 year anniversary, and I have great faith he’s done it.  I also had a message on Facebook from a co-worker/friend wishing me a Merry Christmas.  This woman lost her daughter to suicide over a year ago.  She’s now raising her grandson.  She took the time to wish me a good Christmas.  I can’t imagine how hard of a day that must be for her on so many levels, yet she’s reaching out to those she cares about.  I have a lot to learn from the people mentioned above.  I know that I’ve mentioned a note that I keep in my desk from a dear friend.  When I’m feeling really down or lonely, or that I’m not a good friend, I pull out that note.  I will keep this note near me, always.  I know
when she wrote this note, she’d have no idea how much it would mean to me. But it just goes to show the power we have in other people’s lives.  Dropping a card or a note to someone, can change their day, even years after you’ve forgotten you’ve done it.  I know I’m on some big ‘ol soap box, but I just really feel that reaching out to those we care about is almost a lost art form.  We are all busy.  But we should never be so busy that we forget what life is all about.  Oh, and I’ll tell Misty I put this on here.  She won’t mind, I’m sure of that.

So, Christmas Eve really was one of my all-time favorite days.  The boys and I had a great day, and then when Brian got home it got infinitely better. We listened to Christmas music, and Brian even helped wrap presents.  I think that’s a first.  I felt so connected to him all day.  There really was so much love in the house.  There always is, but you know what I mean.  There are certain days, when you just take a step back and really appreciate what you have.  We ended the day by watching The Santa Claus with the boys.  I love that Caleb still believes in Santa.  He believe so much, that he thinks every movie/book is the true story of Santa, so we have to keep trying to explain why it’s this way in one movie and not in another, or how this one might just be a made up story, but he never likes that answer.

The boys had an absolute blast on Christmas morning.  Cal still hasn’t been feeling well, but he was able to power through the morning and really enjoy the activities.  After all of the gifts were opened, as always, I got this stupid holiday
letdown I always get.  Ugh! It’s so frustrating!  I worked hard on fighting it off. 
It’s so fucking stupid.  The texts and notes really helped me keep everything in perspective. Watching the boys play, also really helped.  I have a terrible habit of thinking of the things in my life that I don’t have (not material related, usually) on holidays.  I think about relationships that aren’t there, or never were (like with my biological father) and wonder what he and his family are doing, etc. It’s really terrible for me to waste any time thinking of someone who walked away from a baby.  It never ceases to piss me off.  But anyway, it’s things like that.  I worked hard all day to try and enjoy the moments, though. 
Just chilling with Brian and listening to Christmas music really was a lifesaver.

Today is my sister Brooke’s birthday. Brooke’s my youngest sister, and she’s an exceptional person.  She’s an incredibly hard worker, amazing mother, and has a heart made of gold.  I’m so proud to be her sister!  Tomorrow Cal turns 9, too.  Wow….  How is it possible that my baby is 9?  I can’t wrap my brain around it.  Cal’s typically not very affectionate, but he’s been sick, so he’s been sleeping with me, and laying on me a lot.  Hell, I’ll take it!  I love any moment that kid needs his mama :)

Okay, the weight issue.  It’s been on my mind a lot lately.  Really, it’s been consuming me.  I’m working through it.  I have to.  It’s seriously keeping me up in the middle of the night.  I know I need to really become serious about becoming healthy.  I feel blessed beyond measure, but somehow I still keep on killing myself by food.  Oh yes, I even had salami on Christmas Eve and Christmas.  FUCKING RED MEAT!!!!  What a tool!  Thank God, it made me feel like shit.  I’m going to pretend that slip never happened.

Alright, I’m done being all preachy today.  I hope this day finds you all doing very, very well.  May your heart be filled with content.
~Jen

"Shower The People"
You can play the game and you can act out the part,
even though you
know it wasn't written for you.
Tell me, how can you stand there with your
broken heart ashamed of playing the fool?
One thing can lead to another; it
doesn't take any sacrifice.
Oh, father and mother, sister and brother, if it
feels nice, don't think twice,
just shower the people you love with love,
show them the way that you feel.
Things are gonna work out fine if you only
will do as I say, just
shower the people you love with love, show them the
way you feel.
Things are gonna be much better if you only will.

You
can run but you cannot hide, this is widely known.
Tell me, what you plan to
do with your foolish pride when you're all by yourself, alone.
Once you tell
somebody the way that you feel, you can feel it beginning to ease.
I think
it's true what they say about the squeaky wheel always getting the grease.

Better to shower the people you love with love, show them the way that you
  feel.
Things are gonna be just fine if you only will what I'd like to do to
you.
Shower the people you love with love, show them the way that you
feel.
Things are gonna be much better if you only will.

Shower the
people you love with love, show them the way that you feel.
You'll feel
better right away.
Don't take much to do, sell you pride.
They say in
every life, they say the rain must fall, just like pouring rain, make it
rain.
Make it rain, love, love, love is sunshine, oh yes,
Make it rain,
love, love, love is sunshine. Everybody, everybody.

It's funny that I mentioned the number of people that see this site yesterday.  When I got on today, I see there were 152 different people that checked out the blog yesterday.  That's crazy in the coolest way.  I don't know exactly why people read this, but I can tell you that it makes my heart warm that people might identify with what I have to say.  Now, if I can only get back to why I started this thing....weight loss....
Ah, Christmas Eve is here!  It's a total bummer, but Brian got called into work this morning.  The boys were crushed.  We go to breakfast every Christmas Eve.  Back home, we'd always go to Carol's Corner Cafe.  Ah, that place is the best.  This year I took the boys to a local restaurant called the Swedish Pancake House.  The boys loved it.  It sucked that Brian couldn't be with us, but I'm glad we were able to enjoy a nice breakfast anyway.  Brian just called and hopefully he'll be home around 1 or so.  Anyway, as kids do, the boys are going nuts today.  They are so excited for Christmas.  We let them open one gift on Christmas Eve, so that's been the talk of the day.  It's really embarrassing how many gifts the kids have under the tree.  We actually cut it back quite a bit this year, but the kids really do get spoiled by Brian and my families.  We are really missing family, but this year the boys seem to be handling being out here for the holidays better than they did last year.  I guess it's time to build new traditions for our family out here in IL.
I am excited for Christmas as well.  I'm pumped for Brian to open the Kuerig (I think I spell it differently and wrong, each time I mention it).  I think he's going to love it.  There are a couple of things that the boys are going to be pumped about.  I'm also excited for a couple other things that I'd gotten people.  It really is a million times better to give, than receive.  I love that feeling of finding something that you know someone will love.  Oh by the way, if I ever send you a wrapped gift: wait until Christmas to open it.  Yes, that means you, Half Pile!  Mostly, I just love watching the boys having a blast sorting out the gifts and guessing as they go.  I love to mess with them, by putting video games in clothes boxes, etc.  I know I'm going on about gifts, and that's not what Christmas is about.  I'd be lying if I didn't mention these things that I'm excited about, though.
I know what the true meaning of Christmas is.  I feel it in my heart.  I know that I'm blessed beyond measure, and I am so thankful to God for this life I have.  I'm blessed to have a family I love so and who loves me just as much.  I'm blessed to have friends that are family to me.  We're blessed to have a roof over our heads and the boys in a great school.  We are blessed to both be working.  I also feel blessed to be in a place where my head feels straight, and I can truly appreciate how grateful I am for all of the things in my life.  I hope I don't come off as preachy, but I hope that all of us can remember the value we have in our lives not only on Christmas, but every single day.  I hope that we continue to allow ourselves to give and accept love.  I know this makes us vulnerable, and I especially am uncomfortable with that feeling, but as I was reminded yesterday: it's what allows us to feel.  Tell the people you love that you love them.  Show the people you love that you love them.  For me, there's no better feeling than knowing that someone truly cares and loves me.  It makes me full human.  It makes me feel whole.  So, if there's a family member or a friend you haven't spoken to in a while, but they are on your mind.  Reach out to them, and let them know you're thinking of them.  Odds are if they're on your mind, you're on theirs as well.  Doing this not only makes them feel good, but it makes you feel great.  Do yourself a favor, and allow yourself to feel great.  I know this works for me, anyway.  I'm wishing you a very Merry Christmas.  I pray that you find yourself with a fulfilled heart today, tomorrow, and alway.
Love,
Jen

Okay-this is one of my favorite Christmas songs, and it's totally not related to anything I just talked about :) but I hope you like it.

Merry Christmas From The Family-Dixie Chicks do a great version of this song

Mom got drunk and Dad got drunk at our Christmas party
We were drinking
champagne punch and homemade eggnog
Little sister brought her new
boyfriend
He was a Mexican
We didn't know what to think of him until he
sang
Felis Navidad, Felis Navidad

Brother Ken brought his kids with
him
The three from his first wife Lynn
And the two identical twins from
his second wife Mary Nell
Of course he brought his new wife Kay
Who talks
all about AA
Chain smoking while the stereo plays Noel, Noel
The First
Noel

Carve the Turkey
Turn the ball game on
Mix margaritas when the
eggnog's gone
Send somebody to the Quickpak Store
We need some ice and an
extension chord
A can of bean dip and some Diet Rites
A box of tampons,
Marlboro Lights
Haleluja everybody say Cheese
Merry Christmas from the
family

Fred and Rita drove from Harlingen
I can't remember how I'm kin
to them
But when they tried to plug their motor home in
They blew our
Christmas lights
Cousin David knew just what went wrong
So we all waited
out on our front lawn
He threw a breaker and the lights came on
And we
sang Silent Night, Oh Silent Night, Oh Holy Night

Carve the turkey turn
the ball game on
Make Bloody Mary's
Cause We All Want One!
Send
somebody to the Stop 'N Go
We need some celery and a can of fake snow
A
bag of lemons and some Diet Sprites
A box of tampons, some Salem
Lights
Haleluja, everybody say cheese
Merry Christmas from the Family

Last year I upgraded this site, so that I could see the number of people who see it a day.  Yes, we all know I'm that obsessive.  I believe that most people that read this are people that don't know me.  The numbers really vary, one day 30 people may read it, the next it could be 70 or a few times 100+.  I have to admit that I'm shocked that anyone reads it, but I'm grateful that people do.  This site really is a form of therapy for me sometimes.  Anyway, along with the number of people I see who read it, I also see the word search that bring people to the site.  I thought I'd let you know that this month, a couple of people have searched "ass and tass" and ended up on this site.  Um, I have no idea what that means.  I'm just guessing they were very dissappointed to end up here.  But what I really love is that three people ended up on this site this month, while searching "wet spot on yoga pants."  LMAO.  Now, I don't specifically remember mentioning this on here, but I totally believe that I have.  Oh yeah, I've rocked that spot a few times.  I love that ETL searches rarely come up, but super embarrassing things are the norm in the searches.

The above picture is the Jeff Gordon cutout that we are always violating, but this time he's rocking my "ugly sweater."  Oh man, how I love that cutout and the number of people that now take pictures with him.  I didn't have time to track down an ugly sweater, so Laura found this "Bill Cosby" sweater for me.  It was so worn in the front, that you could see right though it.  Thankfully I had a tank on underneath it.  Anyway, all night I kept thinking to myself, "Hey, Hey, Hey, it's Fat Albert!"

My Cousin Holley called this moring.  She really is one of my favorite people in the world.  You've never met anyone with a bigger heart.  We had a super awesome talk, and as always we talked about everything.  At one point she mentioned that I am "the most social person in the world."  When I hear those things, it never fails to shock me.  Another friend said something similar the other day, and I just don't get it.  It's funny how people see you, when you see yourself in a totally different way.  We talked about my weight and how I work on dealing with my stress, etc.  I really do have this fear that I will drop of a heart attack.  Really, it's no joke.  Holley said, if you have a heart attack I'm flying right out there and kicking your ass.  I said, you'll bash my coffin in?  She said, damn right I will.  You can't ever leave me.  I'll be pissed.  She said, everyone will be all sad, but I'll be cussing you out.  While I thought it was hillarious, I got the point.  It takes a lot of love for someone to tell you they'll beat your ass if you die ; )

I know we're all busy, so I'll keep this entry brief.  Okay, honestly I'm busy being lazy.  :)  But I will get up and get moving again soon.  I have managed to make french toast for the boys and get the dishes done, etc.  But once again, this blog affords me the opportunity to get away from the chaos and have some time to myself.  I just wanted to wish everyone a wonderful day.  Hopefully your shopping is done, and it's time to just spend time and appreciate those you love.  Brian is working, so I'll spend the day with my babies before the hubby gets home.  I'm looking forward to spending time with him tonight.  Even just going out last night, made me miss him.  Yes, I love that messy fuck....yep.  Newspaper is still there.

Have a wonderful day ever

Ahhhh....finally got past yesterday and into Sat.  Friday most certainly wasn't my favorite day.  I was super busy at work, and even ended up staying late.  WTF?  It's the day before a holiday.  What happened to the days of cutting out early and the whole office going to the bar to start celebrating the holiday season around noon or 1?  Those were the days.  But I guess at 40, if people still do that, I don't hear about it.  lol  Oh wait, I guess I did in a way.  When I finally got home, I was super ticked about the state of the house.  The boys had been off and the house was trashed.  This was in addition to all of Brian's crap, dishes, clothes, etc. being everywhere.  Not a great way to start the night.  I made a couple comments to Brian, which didn't make him happy.  He was apparently in a mood, anyway.  So, I let him be, and called 2 of my closest friends.  The first one I called was pretty well smashed, even though she's 2 hours behind me in time.  Her work party turned into a real party.  They worked a full day, and then her boss broke out some of the holiday alcohol he'd rec'd.  They all had a great time.  It was super fun to talk to her, and she holds her alcohol so well you can never tell she's been drinking.  I only know when she tells me.  Plus, we talk about EVERYTHING, so if something "shocking" comes out of either of us, it doesn't raise any suspicions.  :)  I then called another girlfriend, who was also smashed.  I was like MOFO, I missed the party boat.  She didn't have her kids for the night, so she was cleaning and drinking wine having a good old time.  Anyway, another great talk with a drunk friend at 6 p.m. their time.  Haha.  I love it.  No, I'm not encouraging alcoholism or any of that b.s., if you don't know me.  But I do encourage letting your hair down and doing whatever helps you relax and ease into a nice Christmas break.

Thankfully Brian was in a good mood this morning.  We had a long talk (once again....) about needing him to be a partcipant in the house cleaning.  I also talked about what a bad example we set for the kids, in that regard.  He's been very loving and has promised to turn over a leaf.  What about the newspaper you ask?  Oh, yes...it's still there.  Not only is it still there: there's now a book about the Dallas Cowboys laying next to it on the bathroom floor.  He absolutely kills me, but I do love the messy fucker.  So, today I'm trying to get over the anger that comes along with not getting help with the house and other things, and after I'm done with this....I'll be doing some more cleaning downstairs.  But I'll be damned if I'm picking of that mother fucking newspaper or book.

So we've been in IL for close to a year and a half now.  Other than going out after work with coworkers or when my friend Cookie was in town, I haven't had a girls night out here in IL.  Tonight will be my first.  A few of us are going out to our regular after work hangout for an Ugly Sweater party tonight.  I'm super excited to dance.  Other than when I went home for my 40th (and oh yes, my Vegas trip with Caity just came to mind...when I was out there alone like Whitefeather), I haven't danced in the past year and a half.  If you've seen me dance, you probably think of this as a public service.  I used to have to get super smashed to get on the dance floor, now that's only semi true.  I do need a buzz, though.  Yesterday I was doing inventory, and I took my phone out there and had the music blasting.  When the guys would come back to grab parts, I'd try to talk them into busting a move.  Only one guy took me up on it and it was awesome!  So, I'm ready to get on my dancing shoes.  Well, okay black loafers, but they'll do for tonight.  As far as an ugly sweater, my friend Laura is on a mission to find me one at Goodwill.  Here's the part where I can start bashing my looks and body, and how they'll go well with an ugly sweater.  (After I got out of the shower, I looked at myself in the mirror and barely recognized myself).  But I'm not going to.  For now, I am what I am.  I'm not at all satisfied with it, and I will change it, but it can't happen right this second, so bashing myself isn't going to make me feel any better...

My obsessing about things and over analyzing hasn't been at its worst lately, but it's always going to be there.  Lately I've been thinking about why I keep so many people at arms length.  I know I do it....  I even know when I'm doing it a lot of the time.  I do it even with my own family (outside of this house).  I sometimes even do it with Brian to a certain extent, and I know I do it with friends.  I'm the one people tell things to, and in most cases I don't tell them anything about me.  Feeling vulnerable is the worst thing to me.  I hate being in that position.  Just like a lot of things I'm always trying to work on, this is something that's a goal of mine to improve upon.  So, this song by P!nk is the song I've been relating to the most lately.  It's not really just about my relationship with my messy husband, but it's also about all of my other relationships.  Some more so, than others.  Basically I've always felt, if I let you in, it's going to blow up in my face.  And you know what, in some ways that's been the case.  But I guess that's a part of life.  You love hard and you'll be hurt hard.  We've all been there, many times.  It's why we get so upset when our husband's, friends, and family let us down or hurt our feelings.  I work hard on having low expectations for people, but people sometimes penetrate that wall (insert own joke here) and bam!  Anyway, blah, blah, blah.  I didn't mean to go all deep.  I just love and relate to this song.  You should check it out.
Have a great weekend,
Jen


 Screw
fear, it's contagious
Infecting everything
It makes me do such stupid,
stupid stuff
I say things I never mean
What exactly do I think?
Who am
I protecting?
If I fall it'll blow up in my face
That's just
crazy

I'm delicate, I'm sensitive
Please try to be more
careful
You're mean, you're a lunatic
Let's try to make this fun
again

It's only love, give it away
(It's only love)
You'll probably
get it back again
(It's only love)
It's simple, it's a silly
thing
Throw it away like a boomerang
I wish we all could lighten
up
It's only love, not a time bomb

I'm tired from last nights
fight
I wish I hadn't started it
I hate when my fear speaks for me
It
makes me nasty
I thought we could start again
Go back to the days when we
felt like friends
It's all too serious for me
And I know I'm
guilty

Matchsticks and poison
That's what I add to the fire
My
dear, I'm frozen
Turned from a saint to a liar

It's only love, give it
away
(It's only love)
You'll probably get it back again
(It's only
love)
It's simple, it's a silly thing
Throw it away like a boomerang
I
wish we all could lighten up
It's only love not a time bomb

I don't
want to be precious
I don't want to feel stress
Life is for the living,

But not a living hell
So take it
Take this
Oh, you can have all of
me
Take it
Take this
Here, you can have everything
I don't want to
be flawless
When I go I want the cuts to show
So take it
Take
this
Oh, you can have all of me
Break it
Take it
Oh, fuck it, have
everything

It's only love, give it away
(It's only love)
You'll
probably get it back again
(It's only love)
It's simple, it's a silly
thing
Throw it away like a boomerang
I wish we all could lighten
up
It's only love not a time bomb
(It's only love)
(It's only love)

It's simple, it's a silly thing
Throw it away like a boomerang
I wish we
all could lighten up
It's only love not a time bomb

My friend Tammi and I chat most days online.  We use this one site, that allows you to put a status or comment up, if you want it over your chat session.  I don't think Tammi had ever used the comment section, but I usually update mine about once a week w/ some smart ass comment about one thing or another.  Anyway, this morning, I put, "I miss Tammi" (she's pretty much the only one I chat with on there) as my comment.  I can't remember exactly what she said on hers, but it was something to the effect of my being her favorite friend or something very sweet.  We chatted quite a bit this morning, which was really nice, because we've both been so busy with work, there hasn't been a lot of time for chatting.  Anyway, fast forward to the afternoon, and I was scrolling down Facebook, and I see where Tammi has changed her status to: "I love Jennifer the most."  Wow.  That was so cool.  I know things like that would make some ppl uncomfortable, but I loved it.  I think that might be the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.  I told her I'd seen it, and she said it was only the second time she'd changed her facebook status.  haha.  It's little, silly things like that, even when we're 40 years old that can make us feel special.  Anyway, it made my day.  Super sweet.
Today has been really great for many reasons, including the above.  I was able to get a good mix of work and social in at work today.  I'd also set up a pot luck lunch for us.  I was going out on a little bit of a limb, as Marie and I are the only women that work in that building, but I'll be damned if those boys didn't come through.  In fact, when I got in this morning, 2 of the guys were cleaning and mopping the kitchen. Let me tell you....that doesn't happen often.  It really is a pit.  There was a great mix of food from my chili cheese dip to chicken w/ stuffing w/ "egg gravy," homemade chili, fried chicken, cheese and meat trays, other hot dishes, desserts, and a super cool "avalanche pepperment cake" that one of the guys girlfriends found on pinterest.  It was simply outstanding.  Although, we were worried that it might cause some sharting from Marie.  She'd hit the cake hard.  Thus, the IM's between us were mostly about anal leakage, sharts, burps and so on.  Those guys are so lucky that they work with such a couple of classy broads!
Brian was off today, because of the impending blizzard.  The winds would be too high for them to work all day.  It worked out good, since the boys had early release because of the weather.  About 2, Brian called me and told me I'd better start home, the storm had hit Byron.  I won't lie: it was nice leaving work early.  All the way around.  A great work day!  Once I got home, I took a nap.  Undoubtedly it was helped by the insane amount of food I had at the pot luck.  God, I suck....
Brian made dinner for the boys, but I'm still stuffed.  I'm sitting here in the room writing this, while listening to the storm outside.  It really is quite crazy.  It started snowing today and it's not super heavy, but it's terribly windy.  It really is white out like conditions with it all swirling around out there.  I had Brian p/u some peppermint schnapps to add to cocoa later, once the boys go to bed.  I'd love to just sit and watch the storm.  Brian has other plans, though.  He says he has to lay the wood down on me hard, since tomorrow's the end of the world.  I said, if it's end of the world sex, it'd better be crazy.  haha.
Ah yes, speaking of my husband....his sports page from the newspaper has been on the floor of the bathroom since Sun (it's now Thurs).  I refuse to pick it up.  I pick every other thing up in this house, but sometimes I draw the line on something like this.  I was certain with him being off today, it would get picked up...I was wrong.  The fucking paper is still on the bathroom floor.  This kind of shit makes me bat shit crazy!  Not outwardly, as I hold almost everything in, but it makes my blood boil.  I feel like it's disrespectful to me to expect me to clean up after him.
Oops, got to go.  A friend just text me to call them.  I've got a great song for tomorrow, though.  It's my new Pink obsession, if you can imagine that.

Much Love,
Jen

I went through last Friday without really knowing what had happened in the school shooting.  My boss said something to me early about it, but at that time all that had been reported was a gunman had killed himself. I was busy all day long, and once 3:30 came around we were right out the door to meet co-workers and my friend for a drink.  It was at our table that someone brought up the shooting and the carnage that was unleashed.  I was physically sick to my stomach.  I was in shock….  I really just sat there feeling stunned and sick for a while, until the mood was lifted with a game of “I’ve Never” and  F/M/K.  btw. 
In nearly every instance of playing “I’ve Never,” I really have never…what many people have done.  I always feel so inexperienced.  Lol.  Only that game can
make me feel like that, because I feel more fulfilled in that way than nearly
anyone I’ve ever spoken about it with.  But I do love F/M/K, because there, I can create these scenarios in which I seem very experienced, or at least an experienced porn writer. Think porn writers are allowed in the screen writer’s guild?  Anyway, I could only stay out just shy of 2 hours.  I had a blast, though. 
Laura and I left at the same time, and left the rest to party the night away.  Once I got in my car, I was overcome with emotion over the shooting.  At that time, I hadn’t seen any news coverage, I only knew what had been reported at our table.  I absolutely lost it on the way home.  Just like every other American, or human being the pain was just unbearable.  I literally found myself YELLING at God.  I swear I yelled at him half the drive home. I don’t understand these things, and I never will.  I don’t think these things “happen for a reason,” and I doubt I’ll ever find myself believing in that theory.  It wasn’t my first time yelling at God.  I’ve done it with other catastrophic events.  I pray and pray for an end to pain and sufferance, but it will never come.  I’ve since made my peace with God, but he knows where I stand. Once I got home, I, like many people, made sure to keep my kids close that night.  I forced them to watch Christmas movies with me.  Ryne was not very happy.  Haha.  After they went to bed, I watched the news and continued my mourning.  A friend and I were texting about it.  It’s like Pink sings, I sometimes feel things more
than I should.  I really wish I could change this about myself.  It’s hard to let these things go.  Seeing suffering in other people, or thinking about what those kids went through, for example, will never leave me.  It’s like it bites off a piece of my soul each time.

Saturday came along, which I’d been looking forward to all week.  We had a day planned, as a family.  We were all going to Rockford to have lunch at Red Robin, do some shopping, and then go see Christmas lights.  Ryne proved to be quite the challenge before we even left the house. That boy must be going through some stage.   A quite shitty one, I might add.  But once we got out and about we had a really nice time.

Sunday went really well until Brian and I had words about this issue that we’ll always have.  He doesn’t like to go do things w/ my friends or my co. functions, etc.  We were supposed to go to a party at my boss’, boss house.  Brian got really pissy about it, so we weren’t going.  Then he figured out he’d really pissed me off, and last min. said he wanted to go.  I hate that stuff….  Why can’t it be
easier?  I went to his party, he should go to mine…  blah, blah, blah, we went and had a nice time.  Or at least I did, but he did a much better job of faking enjoying himself than he normally does.  I’ll give him kudos for that, I guess.

Yesterday brought me much relief, as I got the last of my holiday packages mailed off.  I swear it’s the best I feel all year.  It’s such a sense of relief.  Anyway, while at the post office, there were only 2 people working and there was a pretty big line.  There was an old lady at one of the registers and she was there forever it was making me nuts!  Finally I heard him tell her to go fill some stuff out and then get back in line.  When she turned around, I saw that she was really old, probably in her nineties.  He hands were shaking and she was holding these 3 little boxes.  She went back to one of those tables to get her stuff together.  Once I was done sending all of my stuff.  I went to where she was (surrounded by all of these people in line), and asked she would let me help her.  I started helping her get her boxes in order and put together.  Then a lady came up and gave me a pen.  I started filling them out, and soon enough another lady walked up and asked if she could help, too.  It was too cute, the packages were from “Mom.”  I just imagined her 70 something kids getting their little packages.  When I was done, the lady took me by the arm and thanked me profusely and genuinely. I couldn’t believe that I’d started my time at the post office being irritated by her.  I felt so good about being able to help
that, which will undoubtedly be my favorite part of the holiday season.  I have something to learn from experience, for sure.  

With that, I’ll let you go for today.  I know this is supposed to be a weight loss blog, but if I told you what I’ve been eating, it would just be a lesson in weight
gain.

Hope you all are being healthier than I am.

Much love,


Jen

Well, two days ago the monthly finally came around.  Let me tell you something, I'm in the heart of it right now.  I swear, I don't know how I have any blood left to flow through my veins once my time of month comes around.  It's truly gruesome.  Yes, I know you were dying to hear all about it, weren't you?  I mention it, because as always the hormones are totally f'ing with me.  I could feel it coming on yesterday, and then they grabbed hold of me this afternoon.  Really, it was right out of nowhere.  The tears just started flowing.  MOFO....  I was so pissed.  I know it's the sleep deprivation, too.  My sleep has been so jacked up for a while now.  Last night I woke up at 2, and I couldn't get back to sleep.  It's positively brutal.  I'm praying tonight is the night that my body/mind let me surrender to slumber.  Anyway, I was so mad at myself for getting the tears again.  I hadn't had them in a while.  It lasted a good couple of hours, when I let it.  If I allowed myself to work at my desk, I was screwed.  Too much time to think.  So, I kept getting up and doing work in the warehouse, shipping, etc. to keep my mind tied up.  And then, just as quickly as they came on, they left.  I've been fine, since.  It's really crazy.

My diet hasn't been very good the past two days.  Maybe that's a contributor to the hormonal swings, too.  I've made sure to take semi-care of myself, though.  I've made sure to get fruits and veggies in there, too.  I'm hoping I'm back on track tomorrow.  I don't feel good, when I don't eat well.  I suppose that's true for most of us, yet we still find ourselves eating processed shit.  Ugh.  But I'm not going to let this slip take me out.  Overall, I have been much healthier all the way around and I plan to continue.  I'm desperate to get my body/mind healthy.  And I really do mean desperate....

I mentioned that swimming started back up for Cal.  He's having a great time.  It keeps me pretty busy, though.  I've taken him the past two nights and it really does take over all of my free time.  Yesterday I came home to a messy house and just couldn't take it.  I had about 25 mins. before we had to leave for practice.  I just dove in with the cleaning.  As soon as we got home, I dove in again.  I got a ton done, and it's even starting to look like Christmas threw up in here, just as I like.  I didn't stop until after 9.  I figured I was bound to sleep, since I'd been running for so long...but as mentioned earlier, it didn't turn out that way.  At least the house looks better tonight.  Oh, Brian left the house at 5:30 yesterday morning and didn't get home from work until after 9.  Today's more of the same.  Poor guy.  So, I was going to take Cal to swim tonight when I got home, but he has the sniffles.  Thankfully, he actually agreed to stay home.  When he's been sick before he would insist on going.  He knows we have a busy Christmasy weekend planned, so he's hoping to get himself healthy.  It was good news for me that he wanted to stay home, too.  I'm getting some much needed rest and relaxation.  It feels so nice...

Sorry, I didn't have anything too exciting to report today.  Still feeling kind of the same....homesick....missing friends and family....wishing we were closer to those we love and who love us.....

Hope you're having a good night,

Jen

"Home" by Michael Buble
Another
summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go
home
Mmmmmmmm

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel
all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

And I’ve
been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or
two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that
it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than
that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But
I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just
too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m
living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When
everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along
with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in
me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and
Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A
million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss
you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I
gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home
tonight
I’m coming back home

Oh man…the PMS is still trying to kick my ass.  Other than when Dawn passed
away last week, I haven’t cried in a while.  Driving in this morning, I heard 2 songs back to back, that made me squirt out a couple of tears.  Hormones suck.  They certainly have never, ever been my friend.

My sleep has still been pretty messed up.  As my boss told me, I look like I’ve
been in a bar fight.  I’ve got some serious black eyes going.  I fell back asleep early this morning, and I didn’t wake up until 6:17, so I didn’t even really look in the mirror after I got out of the shower. I was running.  I usually keep some makeup in my backpack, but I must’ve taken it out this weekend.  So, I guess I’ll answer to “Rocky” today if need be.

I was really, really wanting to be back in Alaska yesterday.  The servicefor Dawn was held yesterday in the Episcopalian church.  I wish I could’ve been there for so many people, including myself.  It brings me peace knowing we belonged to the same church, and I imagine it was a beautiful service.  It’s amazing how the community comes together for support for whatever anyone needs.  I miss home.  I’ve been feeling so lonely out here lately, that I actually wish we lived up there.  I would love to be near family.  I’d love for everyone
to have an eye out for my boys.  I love that if go downtown, you know nearly everyone.  I haven’t lived there since I was 18, and really I haven’t spent a whole lot of time there, since.  So, it’s funny at 40, that I find myself longing to be home.  I feel so isolated out here.  We are just so very far from the people we care about.  Ah, Landslide is on.  I hate that it get overplayed so much, but it really is a beautiful, honest song. Anyway, I’m so glad we have the family together out here.  I’m blessed to have such a good family life.  But it doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes feel lonely.  I’ve been feeling that lately.  Dawn’s passing I think brought that home.

Even though I was quite exhausted last night, we had a good night.  Cal started swim team last night (graduated from intro, and is now officially on the team).  He’s over the moon.  Brian got home early enough to take Cal, and I made dinner and hung out w/ Ryno. After I was done cleaning up from dinner, I got a couple of packages ready to mail today.  It’s always important to mail the Alaska packages as early as possible.  There are only 2 planes that land on the island a day.  Because its winter, a lot of the times the planes can’t land in Wrangell, so it delays the mail.  Sending something via 2 day service can sometimes take 2 weeks to get there.  So, hopefully all goes well, and it will actually get there on time.  I also had another lower 48 pkg ready, so I figure I’ll get that off as well.  I really need to finish off my shopping this weekend, so I can get everything else off on Monday.  But anyway, I feel good about what I have done so far.  Oh, I picked up the calendars I made yesterday.  Have you ever made one?  Holy crap, they take a while.  Well, I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if you were only doing one for your family. I do one for my sisters and
Mom. So, I have to go steal photos off of Facebook, save them to my computer then get them on the Wal-Mart site.  Last year I tried to put pics of the entire family on there (and we have a huge family).  Those calendars took me FOREVER.  At least this year, I already had the birthdays already in there, etc. I just needed to add some dialogue and pictures.  Even so, I think it took me about 4 hours to put together.  I screwed up a couple of places, though.  On the cover it says: 2012….and then on the boys’ birthday, it has their ages they turned last year.  I forgot to change those.  Last year most of my friends turned 40 (from Wrangell), so I had them on there, and I forgot take those off, so it looks like they’ll be turning 40 again.  Haha.  I did remember to add Amy’s 40th, though.  So, last year’s calendars were definitely better.  I also kept all the same pictures that I had on the dates, etc. But my sisters and Mom really seem to like them, so I’m glad I got them done, mistakes and all :)  So, I got off
target a bit.  I wanted to mention that Brian and I were on the couch last night, and I was lying with my legs over his lap, while we were watching the football game.  I had my new fat jeans on.  He pulled on the jeans, and he’s like what the hell is this? (They are a stretchy type material). And then he’s like, OMG are you wearing those pajama jeans?!  I nearly died laughing.  Too funny. But back to football, I won our work pool, again!  I’m now at $470 total winnings for the season.  This is my mad money.  The next time I want to take a trip or something, I will have ZERO guilt.  Brian knows this.  Every time I win, and my total gets bigger, I remind him, there will be no guilt associated with this money.  It’s mine.  Remind me of that, when I go to spend it, will you?

Well, I should probably get to work….  BTW, the diet is going really well, esp considering I’m in the heart of PMS. This morning I wanted to eat everything in sight, and damn Pop brought in homemade sugar cookies.  His wife bakes for us almost every single day.  I told him he needed to start laying the wood on that woman, and keep her out of the kitchen.  He assured me he did last night, so I told him he better start earlier and make it last longer.  Haha. I love working with guys.  But so far I’ve stayed clear of the temptations. I made a bowl of grapes and cut up a banana, and that’s done a good job of filling me up.

Hope you all have a wonderful day.

~Jen
Food:
7:45  Grapes and a banana, unsweetened iced tea
12:30  Footlong Veggie patty on wheat w/ lots of veggies, no cheese.  But shortly after...the guys had bought Taco pizza.  And I had a f'ing piece....
4:15  dip cone from McDonalds   F'ing PMS....f'ing me!
7:30  Small handful of baked Special K crackers w/ red pepper hummus

"Landslide"
Took this love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned
around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Till the
landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the
child within my heart rise above?
And can I sail through the changing ocean
tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Oh oh I don't know, oh I don't
know

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life
around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older I'm getting older
too
Yes I'm getting older too, so

I've been afraid of changing

'Cause I, I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children
get older
I'm getting older too oh yes
I'm getting older too

So,
take this love, take it down
Oh if you climb a mountain and you turn
around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the
landslide will bring you down, down
And if you see my reflection in the snow
covered hills

Well maybe the landslide will bring you down
Well well,
the landslide will bring you down