• Home
  • Jen's Daily Blog
  • ETL Breakdown
  • Kick Ass Books
  • Good f'ing recipes
  • Great Cookbooks
  • Making Life Easier
  • Frequent Questions
Diariesofafatass.com

Light and Heavy

9/27/2017

0 Comments

 
Picture
We've made it once again...Hump Day. Downhill slide....enjoy the ride.

We started a weight loss competition at work today. Actually, I really hate to think of it as a competition, but I'm super excited about it. I believe we ended up with 14 people. We all threw in $10 and will have to throw in a dollar for every pound gained. It's a really diverse group of personalities, sizes, approaches, and that makes me happy. I'm hoping we can really support one another and that we are all uber successful.  

For someone, who really has finally begun to place a lot less emphasis on the scale, I've found myself in a situation where I'm weighing in three times this week. Oh, I still weigh in every day....and I need to stop, but actual weigh-ins. There is the thing at work, the weigh-in at the place I've been at nearly a year (two weeks from today will be exactly one year), and the boot camp competition I'm doing. I know the scale isn't owning me anymore, and I hope it's just not that I've turned things around again. I hope I've finally just gotten to a comfortable place in my head about it. Case in point, I haven't pooped in a couple days (TMI? then you're reading the wrong blog), and normally that would have me frantic for a weigh-in day. Today, I really didn't care. I was also wearing a long sleeve shirt. No, not the tank top I'm usually stripped down to, but long pants and the long sleeve shirt. Another sign, it didn't own me today- I don't know exactly what I lost. I think it ended up being close to two pounds, but I can't remember the last time I didn't know it to the exact ounce. I didn't ask my last weight. I'm just going off of this terrible memory. Oh, and this....I've always been completely ashamed of the number on the scale-in 5th grade when we had to weigh-in at school, when I was skin and bones to a weight that was probably close to killing me (I mean, coupled with the stress I hold onto). Lately, I've loosened up. While still far from being happy from the number, I've actually told a couple of people my weight recently-after they've shared theirs. Those same two people stood there today, while I stood on a scale at work. And I didn't feel like I was going to vomit, or shake, or cry. Today, it was just a number. I pray this attitude continues. Oh-and I nearly forgot, I'm winning the boot camp weigh-in thing. This makes me terribly uncomfortable. I don't want to win. I want to fly under the radar. I want to get out of it, what I sought and no more. If you know me at all, you don't believe this. In my entire life, I have never not wanted to win something. It's such a weird feeling. I found out I was winning last week, just after eating half a piece of cake at 8:30 A.M. Look, I planned on this cake for two weeks. I was allowing myself to have it (co-workers birthday). It was wonderful, as I knew it would be. I was saving the other half for dessert (to have after the salad I was having for lunch-lol). Upon getting tagged in our boot camp group as winning, I knew I couldn't eat that other half of the cake. I eventually gave it away. I'm still grieving the loss of that half piece of cake. I know, it's good I didn't eat it-but at the same time, I need to get to a place where I know it's okay to have a piece of cake, that I'd planned on for two weeks. 

A friend of mine quoted me the other day on Facebook from a conversation we'd had days earlier about emotional eating. She credits our conversation with changing the way she viewed things, and turning it around. I was touched that my words had an impact, and thought I would share, in case they could help you, too. She was explaining that her diet had been poor, because she was depressed. We'd talked a little bit about what she was going through in the past week. I'm not sure what I've shared with her in terms of my own struggles, but I told her that depression beats me at nearly everything, but I won't let it defeat me in diet. I actually say it out loud: you can't take my diet from me. -This is 100% true. I usually speak to a situation or person, but I say it...and it works for me. The thing is, depression has the power to own me at times, to swallow me whole. I hate it more than anything. I can't express to you how much I hate it. I feel guilty for having it, because I know I shouldn't. I have a good life. But it gets me, and lately, out of nowhere, it has stolen my spirit. It has knocked me down and has its foot on me holding me down, only letting me up for brief periods. Thankfully, it doesn't stay really bad for too long, but the fact that it has blindsided me three times in as many weeks-frustrates the fucking shit out of me. This isn't comfortable to talk about, but some events lately, have been too big to pretend they aren't there. I had already been going through this, and late one night last week, just before going to bed, I learned someone I know (but certainly not well), took her life. It shook me hard. Suicide is always a horrible thing for any of us to hear about, but I know what it feels like to think everyone would be better off if I weren't here, or for it to be the only way to escape pain. Thank God, I always know that it will pass. I will get better. It's exhausting sometimes, but I always, always know-I will get through it. I'm writing about this-because I remember this girl "liking" this blog a time or two, back when I wrote a lot. It always sticks out to me, when people I don't know well, are reading it or have a response. I've been thinking about her, but a few times since finding out about the suicide, I've had very vivid dreams of a good friend of mine who died, really of her body breaking down from chronic prescription pain pill addiction. She could be the greatest person, and she could be a prisoner of her inner demons. In fact, I always viewed her as one of my favorite people I'd ever known. She was probably the best conversationalist I have ever encountered. Her addiction, I'm sure was tied to her inner issues and insecurities. I've thought of her death, as a form of suicide, as well.  Anyway, these two have been on my mind a lot lately, and although this is so very uncomfortable to write about- I just want you to know- if you ever get to a place of pain that you don't know you can climb out of. You can. I know you can and you will.  Please take this from someone who know what that pain feels like....and if you ever need someone to listen, I'm here.

Big sigh....I didn't know how to write any of that, but I just felt it was important. 

I'm going to CO to visit the BFF this weekend. We had tickets to see Sheryl Crow next weekend at Red Rocks, but the concerts was cancelled. Super bummer. We kept trying to figure out when I could come out instead, and there was always one reason not to do it on any given weekend. I assumed it would just fade away, and I would got next year, but she stepped in. She told me to come this weekend, and I listened an bought a ticket yesterday. I'm hoping those mountains and the lakes will do me good, as nature always does. I'm looking forward to seeing her and thankful for a friend who tells me what to do every once in a while. haha.

I hope you have a wonderful rest of the week and weekend. You know what...go see your best friend, whether down the street or across the country. You deserve it.

~Jen


​

​
​
0 Comments

Taking It Back

9/20/2017

0 Comments

 
Picture
I plan, plan, plan (in my head) until I'm blue in the face. Day after day, I think I sneak this into this amount of time and then another thing here, etc. It almost never works out. I'm always running behind. I constantly feel like I'm disappointing everyone. Just like all of us: I try to fit too much into a day. Today is no exception. This is how my night was supposed to go...rush across town for therapy (I only have 15 mins from when I get off work until when it starts). Next, I figured I would have 45 minutes free minutes between my commute home and when I needed to pick up Cal from swim. I planned on stopping and getting in a short one mile hike on the way. However, out of nowhere it's super hot and humid today. I decided last minute not to do it, which really bummed me out. I decided to be okay with it, because I thought I would have time to eat some Papa Murphy's deLite pizza (I bought it yesterday-to make tonight-haven't had it in forever) and hoped Ryne didn't have plans and could pick Cal up for me. I have an open bottle of wine from the other night and was looking forward to a glass. Unfortunately, Ryne had band practice, so the wine had to wait and the pizza was rushed. I just got home from picking Cal up and had planned on writing on here tonight, but Caleb apparently has some race tonight and needs my laptop. So, I'm feverishly rambling here before giving up my laptop.  So, the night has not gone as planned, but it's still good (aside from getting destroyed in therapy). The wine tastes amazing. Again, I'll go off plan, as I was only going to have one glass, but I think I'll have a second. I guess, flying by the seat of my pants isn't always the worst thing...

All of the above said, I spread myself too thin. It's a given for nearly every, single day. Lately I've been thinking how much I suffer for it. There isn't one thing I'm really good at. I know I should be a better wife, mother, friend, employee, dog owner, the list really goes on and on.  It's been weighing heavily on me lately. I know I need to take action, because life isn't made to be lived like this. I will take the next week to make notes of the things that make me happiest and try to figure out how to make those a priority. I figure, if I'm doing the things that feed my soul, it will benefit all aspects of my life. 

It has not been an easy week in a lot of ways. In fact, I would say it has been very difficult. Through it all, I'm happy to say that I lost 3 pounds 2 oz. (more than I had lost in the past 5 weeks combined) I got my mind back on track (for my food choices), and my body thanked me for it. I'm especially proud, that even through some of the toughest of times, I've at least been able to take care of my physical being.

Well, I need to hand over the keys to this laptop to a 13 year old, but first I must pass along a text I received from my therapist as I was typing this. It is in reference to the huge, mother fucking snake I saw while hiking on Sat morning (I ended our session by telling her about it). In the totem, snakes represent change and transformation. Change as in moving forward, not backwards. They also represent healing. They change and transform with each shedding. Very interesting that they are literally crossing your path!  Anyway, I thought that was very cool of her to send my way. We should all be so lucky to have a therapist as caring as this one.

Hope you're enjoying a nice of peace and tranquility. Cheers from Illinois.

~Jen

​
0 Comments

Can't Out Exercise A Poor Diet

9/13/2017

0 Comments

 
Picture
I took this photo tonight, near the end of a hike. It's not often, I'm able to get out for a hike during the week, and the weather today was simply spectacular. It was an exhausting day, and I tried to talk myself out of going. Thankfully, I kept the promise to myself to get out there. 

I weighed in today at the clinic for the first time in 5 weeks. There were scheduling conflicts with my every other week weigh-in, and before I knew it: 5 weeks had passed. I won't say I'm sorry about it. There were some real struggles over those weeks. I hit the biggest wall, I had seen since October. I have had a tough time finding that inner motivation that has fueled me for so many months. Anxiety swallowed me whole for a short time. It's hard to care about what you're eating, when you feel completely out of control. Still, I never lost absolute sight of where I want to be. The weekdays continue to be the most difficult for me. My drive for 10k steps a day has been inconsistent during the week. Thankfully, I have been killing it, as far as physical activity on the weekends. Even though my activity level hasn't been on par all of the time, it's really my food choices that have been my biggest setback. I have made some really lazy choices. I used to really plan where I would use my calories. I would often use them for dinner and wine with a friend. Now, I spread them around, making excuses in my head over and over again. I'm glad to say, I have started to get some of that control back. Even though five weeks had passed, I was only down 3 pounds. I am disappointed in myself. I could've used that time to take 10 off and be that much closer to my goal. As it is, I have still have 23 to go....

A couple of weeks ago, I hiked 5 miles in the morning (I normally do 5-7 every Sat and Sun), and then Brian and I kayaked 12 miles in the afternoon. Let me tell you....I had nothing left in me by the time we got home. As drained as I was, I was ecstatic at the realization that it was the most exercise I had done in one day in 24 years.  As banged up as my body is, I do believe I am in better shape than I have been in a very long time. It's a different kind of shape....though. I feel like a complete failure during the workout class I take, compared to others. At the same time, I have a stamina and energy that has been lost for a very long time. 

As great as I feel about pushing my body lately, I understand I'm not as far along as I could be....again, due to my diet choices. The sad thing is, you really can't outwork a bad diet. I think of how many calories I burned that day hiking and kayaking, but that can easily be undone by one really bad meal. I remember seeing Jillian Michaels post about spending an hour and a half on a treadmill to burn off the ice cream cone she had eaten. Seriously....an ice cream cone takes like five minutes to eat but an hour and a half to work off. They say weight loss is 80-90% diet, and I totally believe it. I'm grateful for the working out and how it helps to keep me on the straight and narrow. I don't want it all to be wasted. Anyway, I just wanted to put that bug in your ear. People often think they can't go on a weight loss journey, because they don't have time for exercise. Nonsense. It all starts with the choices we make when it comes to what we put in our mouth. I need to remember this all the time as well. Is this worth it? should always enter our minds when considering eating something we know isn't good for us. You know what? Sometimes it is worth it :) We just need to be aware. Alright, I'm off my soap box (to myself). Feel free to roll your eyes at me.

Driving into work this morning, I heard Glycerine for like the millionth time. It's funny how it can take that many listens before we actually hear a lyric. I'm never alone. I'm alone all the time jumped out at me. I hate to promote the guy that cheated on Gwen, but damn Gavin can sing a song.

Happy Hump Day all. Make the most of your night.

~Jen
0 Comments

    Jen

    Age 47
    Married 24 years
    2 boys, 18 & 15
    email: [email protected]


    Archives

    August 2019
    June 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011

    RSS Feed