Well, Jesse is my dog, so I wouldn't really give her wine.  I'm not one of those assholes who gets their dog drunk and thinks it's funny.  But I would do just about anything for her (and referencing the song she was named after seemed an appropriate way to show to show just how spoiled she is).  She kind of runs the house.  A couple of fateful Sundays ago (you may all remember it as the day the Mighty Seahawks lost to those fuck face Carolina Panthers), we had the fireplace going on a windy day.  More sober homeowners might have realized that some smoke was coming back down the chimney before the smoke detectors went off.  But as it were, the small gathering of us just kept a drinking while Brian and a friend took the smoke detectors down.  The whole thing really upset Jesse.  It took forever for Brian to get her to come back into the house.  In the days afterward, one of the smoke detectors got a low battery and began to beep.  Once again, Jesse went ape shit (well, as ape shit as a dog who rarely barks can get).  We haven't had any beeping of any sort, for many days now, but Jesse is still a basket case.  She won't come in at night, so I have to literally pull her in from the backyard.  She drags the whole way.  It really is quite awful.  She won't even come in for a treat, which is highly unusual.  I've been spending time with her and trying to keep her close when I'm home.  If I'm not in the room, she'll lay in the hallway, just outside our bedroom door.  As a result, I'm writing this from my bed, so she'll feel secure laying at my feet.  I'm at a loss on what to do with her to get her over this trauma of the smoke detectors.  She's peeing in the house every single day.  It all started the day of the smoke detectors.  I'm going to throw my back out getting her into the house, and God knows I hate having to drag her.  More than anything, I'm just worried about her.  Brian is going to be off work for the next week, so I'm hoping him getting her out to walk her everyday (even in this miserable weather), will help to get her to forget..but I'm not sure.  Anyway, I'm writing about it, hoping someone has some sort of advice for me.  If so, please message me.

Life has seemed very overwhelming lately.  I've been choking on the anxiety of it all, and that sucks.  I really feel like I'm emotionally unstable sometimes.  I seem to have no control.  It's all such a far cry from the years I went without crying.  Really, years, and I never cried.  That's probably not healthy either, but I'd take that over sudden tears that I have no time to talk myself out of.  Of course, this isn't all the time, but it's enough to question my own sanity.  It's a very frustrating feeling.  I'm a control freak.  I'll readily admit that, so I guess it makes sense why I'm so frustrated with myself.  There's just a couple of things I find myself ill-equipped to deal with, and then when I try to talk about it-I'm just a rambling fool and am frustrated with my own word choices.  So, I kick myself even harder afterward.  Again, maybe I should go back to the person that never shared how I was truly feeling-ever.  Again, healthy is probably somewhere  in the middle.  I've been grappling with this for a few months now, but I talked to H.P. on the phone the other night.... Talk about a lifesaver.  It's funny, how she has this way of making me feel justified in my thoughts or actions and makes me feel less crazy.  It's like my crazy is this big, overwhelming meal I need to cook and all I can look at is everything I have to do, how I don't have everything to make it, etc.  H.P. breaks it into little, doable parts for me.  She takes me away from the person who feels they need to figure it all out in that moment, the person who can't forgive herself, the person who can't put herself first.  She puts those into little side dishes, so I can see the things I need to see on their own.  As always, I am truly, truly blessed to have her in my life.  She took a weight off of me, and for the moment: I'm not choking on my own anxiety.  I'm not faking it.  I'm enjoying the moments.  I try to make the most of everyday, but the days when it doesn't feel like work, are the best.

So, now that I'm dealing with some stuff, can I be skinny?  Oh, it doesn't work that way...  I don't think it work this way either: planning your diet over ice cream-as my friend/co-worker did today.  Yes, very seriously we talked about "Monday."  This stuff seems to always go better in teams, so hopefully Team Ice Cream will work.  We both want to be thinner for various reasons, including the obvious.  But more than appearance, for me, I just want to be active again.  I want to feel like I can walk on the beach at my cousin's wedding, and not worry about holding everyone up.  I want to be able to take the unplanned side-tours the bff and I always seem to take in Chicago, when she's here next month for my birthday.  Yes, this is no shit...we always have walking Google Maps on, but seems to take us three miles, when it is supposed to be around the block.  I know I'll still be fat in a few weeks, but hopefully 10k steps a day between now and then makes me feel like less of an invalent come drunken bar hopping time.

At the end of the day, a friend and I sometimes text about what our favorite part of the day was.  Cal and I are now talking about it everyday.  I love it.  Anyway, I thought I'd share mine.  I hadn't seen Sarah since the brain aneurism, in person anyway.  I've only seen photos and videos through her husband.  Anyway, I was able to visit with her a bit tonight.  Her smile is still the same.  She was cracking jokes about nearly dying, much to the dismay of Alex and her oldest son.  It was fantastic.  The road to recovery is going to be very long, but it was so very nice to see her. Please continue to keep her in your thoughts and prayers.  Really, when I hear that you guys are doing this for her, it makes my heart smile.  She's one of us-except cooler.  She really is :)

I heard this song while waiting at a stopped train tonight, while trying to pickup Cal from swim practice.  I'm certainly not saying, I'm cured!  I'll never ever be sad again...  I just always loved this song, and I am feeling better.  Evenness is something I'll have to always work on I guess, but I am grateful for every single moment I'm able to be present-even if it is in Illinois ;)

Much Love,

Jen

As we are well aware, I've been yammering on non-stop about finally pulling it together: eating healthy, working out, being kind to myself...you know the usual Jen bullshit.  I've talked about this stuff several times with a co-worker, who has also known her own struggles with her weight.  We are friends, but I can't say that we really know each other all that well.  When we talk about food, though, it's a connection unlike any I've ever known.  We have battled the same issues for a very long time. Food is the fix all, it's the social connection, it's boredom, it's happiness, it's sadness, it's anger, it's....there.  Anyway, it has been cool to know someone that really relates to my struggles.  I've known her for about a year now, and we have the same conversations about wanting to lose weight, what our plan is, how we are starting on Monday, you know all the normal stuff.  About four months ago, she actually did start on Monday, and she started in a huge way.  She joined the Cross Fit craze that has grabbed hold of many of my co-workers.  It hasn't been an easy journey for her, as it isn't for anyone, but lately there's been a real change in her.  She loves it.  It has become a big part of her life.  And when you work that hard at something, you don't want to it be for not, so your diet follow suit.  Anyway, yesterday I watched her perform at her first Cross Fit competition.  I can't tell you how proud I am of her.  She really kicked some ass.  I'd never been to one of these things, and wow...inspiring...  I've done a lot of thinking about how these past few months I've thought about starting something, and I've had the conversation in my head.  What's happened in the past four months for me? I've gained more weight. I've added to my heaviest weight of my life. I've become more physically and mentally drained.  I've chosen to do this with my four months, while she has chosen to change her life.  She's my new hero.  She's my new inspiration.  She's the reason, I'll tear my house apart trying to find my fitbit today.

I've spent my morning thinking about the above, about how to find my "Cross Fit," and just planning in general.  I need to go back to making lists of things I need to get done every day.  Not the soccer mom list, but the list, where I mark off making time for myself, eating veggies with all meals, taking time for extra long prayers, that kind of stuff.  I've also been listening to music.  Every song takes me on a different road, how a friend likes the song, how I've seen it on Storytellers, that concert, how perfect lyrics are, etc.  Slut Like You just started, and it reminds me of a friend who would randomly text the lyric, "I'm not a slut. I just love, love" after we saw Pink in concert a few years ago.  Anyway, just lost in it all.  It's one of those days where I just want to turn my phone off, but I can't...Ryne will need to be picked up in a bit, Brian's in Chicago, etc.  But I'm pulling myself up by the boot straps, and I'm making myself do a couple of things that require leaving the house, when it would be so easy to start a fire and stay home all day.  Ahhh, but there's a baby I need to see :)  I'll get to meet Everett for the first time today.  I haven't been around a baby in a really long time.  I'm looking forward to seeing him and Laura.  Cal is stoked, too.  You Can't Make Old Friends is on now.  And there's no truer statement than that, huh?  Anyway, I'll leave you with a song I hadn't heard in a while.  I'm sure I heard it the first time on The Voice.  I really should watch this season.  It was one of my faves.   
Happy Sunday All!

Jen

Shockingly enough, we did not win the Powerball last week.  But that $5 buy in was well worth it just for the camaraderie amongst our coworkers.  I don't   normally see a dozen "fuck!" in early morning texts, but the word was flying out everybody's mouth the next morning.  The strong reaction was a little surprising to me.  Everyone in the group text is a pretty happy person (even though we've nicknamed one gal Debbie Downer-but she's not really), but everyone was truly bummed.  Not one of us was looking to be crazy rich, but everybody just wanted the freedom that comes along with having money.  The weather here has been super cold lately.  Sometimes when I walk into work in the morning, my face hurts from going from the parking lot into the building.  It sure would've been nice to have had a group vacation in the Bahamas or something right now.  Our biggest worry would be trying to avoid the shells in the sand, in our bare feet.  But it wasn't meant to be-this time anyway ;)  For now, we'll all be thankful that we have a job that enables us to pay our bills, go out to lunch together, and work with the great people we do.

I'm finally 95% over this illness.  I've got a little sinus stuff hanging on, and my energy isn't totally back yet, but I will gladly take this.  I feel so much better.  It was nice to return to the land of the living.  Early last week, I thought I was on the mend, but nooo, it didn't quite work that way.  I took a step back, but thankfully it was brief.  It was nice to feel better for the weekend.  Cal and I went to see the final Hunger Games movie with friends, and I finally got the Christmas decorations put away.  Sunday some work friends came over and watched the Seahawks go down 31-0...with us.  How in the fuck does that happen?  I mean, even watching it, I just couldn't fathom what was happening.  We fought back as we have done so many times this season, but even we couldn't climb out of that hole.  It was really a bummer of a way for the season to end...in fact, I don't like thinking about it, but it was nice having a few people over.

I was really bummed to see that Glenn Frey passed away.  Oh, how I love the Eagles.  Don Henley was on Stern last month and gave a fantastic interview.  I loved hearing about his and Glenn's relationship, and all of the group dynamics.  I'm a music geek who enjoys nothing more than hearing the song writing process behind some of my favorite songs.  I've been wanting to write lately, and I knew I'd make it a point to do it tonight-although the only thing I knew I wanted to write about was Glenn Frey.  (I know this whole entry is boring as hell by the way, and I apologize for that).  Several songs have gone through my head that I wanted to add here tonight. I finally settled on Lyin' Eyes.  Not only is it one of my favorite Eagles songs (New Kid in Town) is my fave, but the lyrics are simply phenomenal.  The opening chapter of my book references Lyin' Eyes and Did she get tired or did she just get lazy? She's so far gone she feels just like a fool.  To me, the lyrics (although I couldn't actually quote verbatim) made the opening chapter.  In just a couple of lines, it summed up how Sara was feeling in that particular moment.  To me, it brought it to life, I could see her in that moment.  That's what music does, I mean even in a book.  Before I knew exactly how I was going to write that first chapter, I knew I wanted to use those lyrics.  I just really appreciate those and so many other lyrics brought to us by the Eagles and Glenn Frey.  So, I'll leave you with Lyin' Eyes.  For me, I can't listen to this song without seeing it actually play out.  Pure brilliance.

Wishing you a great evening, and hoping you're somewhere warmer than the Midwest right now. 

~Jen

I don't know if you've heard or not...but the Powerball is now 1.5 billion.  I can't believe nobody's talking about it...  Yes, I've caught the Powerball fever like so many.  Our lunch group decided to go in on some tickets last week, and that grew to a bunch of other co-workers.  For this drawing, we ended up with 48 people from our little company throwing in $5 each (oh, and the bff is in there-I want her to be rich, too). It has been so fun talking with everyone about what we'd do if we won.  I nearly died laughing when a guy I work with (a pretty grumpy guy) was talking about it, and said "You know I'd like to stay here,  you know, for the people."  Before reaching in and grabbing his $5 and talking about quitting.  A group of us went to lunch today and each talked about what we would do.  They're all Illinois girls, and I loved how they all talked about what they'd do to their current house, or buying the lot next to them.  Not one of them talked about moving.  Of course, vacations were on everyone's list, though.  Even if we win, I'm stuck here until Cal graduates.  We can't make the boys move again.  Since I started playing the lottery, the first thing I've always wanted to do if I win, is buy my mom a house on the water.  Before anything, that's the goal.  But the first thing I would do for myself is go to a retreat for a month or so.  I'd love to go somewhere where I can work out my food issues, understand them better, get some sleep, recharge the batteries that seem to be corroded with acid anymore.  The photo above is from Geneen Roth.  Anyway, I looked into one of her one week retreats one time, and it was so expensive it was something I knew I could never do.  But hey....if we hit this Powerball, she's coming where I want to go!  But the bottom line if we win tonight, is that tomorrow will still be the same in so many ways.  I love my life in so many ways.  I won't go to work-I'll let myself sleep and get closer to getting totally past this crud I have, but I'll text the same friends.  I'll keep my dinner date with Lynn (only I'll by buying :) and we'll have dessert!  I'll tell the same people I love them tomorrow, that I tell everyday.  Winning the Powerball won't change everything, but fucking A I'd sure like to make my great life even better! 

As for this crud, I am finally starting to feel better today.  I've been on anti-biotics and cough syrup for a couple of days now.  It felt great to have a bit of my personality back today.  Right now, I'm exhausted, though.  If it weren't for needing to pick Cal up from swim later tonight, my fat ass would be in bed right now.

The new editor is starting on my book tonight!  I'm so excited!!!

Oh, I wanted to give you an update on Sarah.  She came home yesterday!  She needs 24 hour care, and she has a very, very long way to go, but the hope is that being home will help get her where she needs even more quickly.  Please continue to keep her in the prayers.  I really appreciate those of you who have her in them. 

Yesterday was such a huge day in that Sarah came home, and my friend Laura had her baby!  Everett is simply adorable and healthy.  I wish I were healthy so I could go see them in the hospital, but I'll have to wait.  Anyway, congrats to Laura who will undoubtedly make one of the best mothers I know.  She truly is good people.

I'll leave you with If I Had A Million Dollars by Barenaked Ladies.  I know I've put it on here before, but can you really ever hear too much BNL.  And I mean, as they say, If I had a million dollars, I'd be rich.  Those boys are insightful.  Good luck with the Powerball everyone.  May the odds, be ever in your favor!

Jen

I've been sick since last weekend.  The kinda sick that makes you want to close your eyes and just wake up in a week when it's over.  I even stayed home from work on Monday, which has to say something.  I think it's the first sick day I've taken since working at this co.  I value my vacation days (they are what get me out of IL).  I'd finally clawed my way out of the hole and had 2 vacation days.  Every single day I think about how I could use them, how long to hold onto them, how no matter what, they don't amount to all of the things I'd like to do between now and the 4th of July.  But anyway...yes, I'm down to one, and Brian is trying to talk me into staying home tomorrow.  It's been a brutal weekend.  Every hour or so I tell myself I should really go to a clinic or something, but honestly, I'm tired, and that sounds like a lot of work.  I can joke now, because I think I'm finally turning a corner.  I'm just praying I wake up tomorrow with some energy.  But with everything bad, we tell ourselves that there's something good....and with this fucking cold/flu whatever, the good is that I've been laid up if I haven't been at work.  I'm not kidding. I spent all of last Sunday/Monday in bed, and after work in bed, and all this weekend on the couch.  The good that comes with this, is I've had the time to find an editor for the next stage of the book.  I've been wanting to do this since we purchased the house mid Nov, but I knew how time consuming it would be.  So, I've worked on it all week, and I finally hired somebody this afternoon.  I'm nervous and excited, but I really think I've found a good fit.  She's more money than I wanted to spend, but at the same time, I think I got a good deal.  She's someone that will be able to walk me through this thing to the end. 

I've thought a lot about the book today. I haven't been really thinking about the story, but all that has gone into it. I've thought about all of the time I've worked on it, how much time I spent editing and how much my content editor spent on it, money I've spent on it, and now more money..., the time that my beta readers spent on it.  It's crazy.  It's just a process that doesn't seem to end, but the story is done...and hopefully there is now a real end in sight.  I've thought a lot about the encouragement I've gotten over it from most who have read it, and the reading between the lines of who might not have loved it.  I've thought about all of these things, but at the end of the day, I'm still happy about it.  The book will be out of my hands for the next month.  This time, I'll handle the process much better.  This book has taken more time than anything over the past two years, and I'm finally to the point where I'll just sit and trust. My word, I just looked at how much I've written about the damn book.  The word count is nearly as high as the book itself!

I have so many things on my mind today.  Too many things.  Things I should just sit with.  So, I should end this before I ramble on about more things you don't want to hear about.  My mind is a crazy thing sometimes, it never rests.  Especially when I'm laid out for a week.  The bottom line is, I can't control everything, no matter how much I want to.  I wish I could change the way I thought about some things, but then again, I wouldn't have the good that comes with this never ending crazy ass brain of mine.  It's what lets me write, kick ass at F/Marry/Kill, and entertains me in mind numbing meetings.

I wish you all a fantastic week.  It's our week, we can make whatever we want out of it.  That's pretty cool, right?

Oh, and how about them Seahawks!
Jen
My fave song right now.  Is it just me, or could this dude be straight out of Making A Murderer?

As is custom, I've just read through the past year of this blog.  This year I did less writing than normal years, but it was still interesting to go back through time like that.  In reading this, I could often put myself into that exact moment of writing: where I was sitting, the things going through my head as I decided how to let it come out.  I could feel the pain, the joy, the hope of the year.  If I weren't going to look too deep and I'd think quickly back to last year, I'd think of it as the year of loss.  The pain of the loss of the Other Misty, and the pain of the loss of Jace (coincidentally, today he would be one year old).  The agony that came with those losses will always be with me. They'll always be in my prayers, but the year was full of so many things.  Ryne began high school, while Cal went into Middle School.  Ryno felt better physically this year, and was able to play baseball, football, and do track.  He loved it all.  It's been so fun to watch him and watch is confidence grow everyday.  Cal played baseball, but his first love is swim.  He had the meet of his life at our home meet, The Turkey Shoot.  He medaled in all of his events and had personal best times in every race. 
After move after move over the past 5 years, we finally settled permanently (well, as permanently as buying a house gets you) here in Byron. They boys are in their second straight school year here and will be here until they graduate high school.  I feel good about giving them this sense of stability, even if living out here is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. 
Brian began a new position with the company he's been with the past five years.  He no longer has to climb those giant wind turbines anymore. He now troubleshoots from a nice, warm office.  He loves it, although the days/hours are hard. Getting used to his new schedule has been difficult at times, but he does love it and he's really earned where he has gotten at this point in his career.
Once again, the book took up a lot of my time, although I've taken a really big break from it the past few months.  As is my want, I can pick the thing apart, boy can I, but on the whole: I'm really proud of it.  I'm proud of the story.  I love the characters, and I think about them all the time.  I'm so grateful to my editor for teaching me so much this past year.  Lesley is one of the people I'm certainly most grateful for in 2015 and I'm sure I'll feel the same way at the end of this year.  I'm also blessed beyond measure for the friends that have been my beta readers.  Lynn and Jackie read the first "final rough draft," before going through the editing process.  They've also read the final draft after the content editing.  I really couldn't ask for kinder words from those ladies.  And you know what...if I'd never moved here, I'd never have known them.  I think of that often. 
Speaking of living here....lately I've been so homesick (for both WA and AK) lately, that it's been a daily struggle to embrace being out here.  But I am so blessed to have made the friends I've made this past year.  Through work, I've really made some close friendships.  I've never had a brother, but I think of co-worker Jim as my brother.  My co-worker Cindy, helped me through the loss of the Other Misty, when I didn't know her that well.  That created a bond, that we'll always have. I've also made some other good friendships that I feel so lucky to have (including someone who has become one of my closest friends).  In fact, I've been in bed, sick, all day.  A stupid cold has kicked my ass.  There was a group text with some coworkers, and they know I plan on getting my ass in gear tomorrow as far as diet....and get this, one of the gals offered to bring my in a smoothie, some fruit and lunch tomorrow, since I wasn't able to get my shopping done today. That's way fucking awesome.  So, as much as it hurts my heart everyday to be so far from my family and the friends I've had for so many years, I'm grateful to 2015 for showing me it's never too late to develop deep, meaningful friendships.  And trust me, I'm guarded with who I let in and who I let allow myself to love, so this is pretty big.
I could look back and focus on all of the weight I've gained this year (the most of my life).  I could look at the new stretch marks.  I could think of how I beat myself up all the time about how I can't believe how people could like or love, for that matter, someone who wears their stresses on their body, the way I do.  But I can't ruin a whole year by thinking of those things.  I can only approach each day, as I do, trying to stop being so hard on myself.  Tomorrow is a new day, and it's a new year.  A year to focus on getting myself healthy both mentally and physically.  A year of focusing on all of the good that is in my life, and there is so much good.  Here's to a new year my friends.  May we all feel the peace and love we deserve, with every breath
I'll leave you with the song that seemed to have the biggest affect of any song this year with my friends.  It's a beautiful song, that seems to have been written for women of our age.  We all have that woman inside of us that we remember, but she isn't gone-she's still ours.  And she fucking rocks.
Cheers to 2016!
Jen