Today's one of those days that I wish didn't happen the way it has.  It's been a rough one.  I weighed myself this morning, to find that I was up 2 lbs. 10 oz.  What a fucking out of control loser.  Seriously...I know it was my birthday week, but fuck....I need to learn how to show restraint.  So, the weigh in threw me for a loop, but it could've been worse.  In all of it's terribleness, I was happy that it was under 3.  So, I started thinking, get your shit together, and wash away the sins this week.  I started w/ a nice smoothie...

The rest is a little hard to admit...and talk about, but I talked to my cousin Mel today, and she said to put it all out there...and so I will.  I went to a routine follow up Dr.'s appt. this morning.  All was fine.  Dr.'s don't scare me in the least.  I was fine until I got in the waiting room, and had time to myself.  Then, out of NOWHERE, I had a fucking panic attack about taking the job, living here, everything.  I literally started shaking and crying.  I tried to pull myself together before the Dr. came in, but of course, the non-observant Dr., didn't seem to care or notice what I was saying, or my obvious state of mind.  That was fine.  She sucks anyway, and the last thing I wanted to do was talk to her.  From the Dr., I went out to take my physical and drug test for the new job (about an hour away).  I cried the whole way (I probably should've smoked a joint, just to sabotage the whole thing).  I pulled myself together to get in there and get it done, but both providers I saw, asked if I was okay.  I just replied that I'd gotten rattled on the drive out.  And again, once on the road, the tears flowed.  I don't know if I've ever told you this, but I rarely lean on Brian.  He can't handle seeing me sad.  He's used to me being the strong one, in every situation.  When I lean on him, it tends to make it worse.  Anyway, I stopped by his work on my way home.  I just needed a hug.  I told him I was freaking out, and he told me not to take the job.  I don't know that, that's the answer, but I love that he supports me.  Of course, he doesn't know how bad of shape I was in.  It was also totally contradictory to what a friend had told me earlier.  So, I get home...cry some more, and then I pull my shit together to call Melinda.  She's always so positive and has good advice for me.  She was a great listener, and let me get it out.  Later, I text another friend for support.  She was awesome, as I knew she'd be.  Anyway, the day has continued to be full of tears.  And then a good friend recently just called me.  She was worried b/c I hadn't posted on the blog, yet, and thought I might have had a bad weigh in.  I don't tell her enough, but she's a great friend.  Of course, I just fell apart again, and really wasn't able to talk on the phone.

The gist of the freak out: 1 hour commute each way, who is going to watch the boys?, we'll have to move again, and it's still in IL...which I hate...so for how long...do I need to move the boys to their 3rd school in 3 years, and then again next for 4 in four years.  We aren't in the fucking military.  We're just losers...Well, Brian's not.  I am.  I should be able to figure this shit out.

I've tried to deal with today, by eating bad food and now drinking.  The bad food didn't help, but I've just cracked my 3rd beer, and apparently that's the magic drug of the day.  You wouldn't think that someone that takes an antidepressant and 4 anxiety pills a day would need more than that.  It's the first time since I've been on the meds (well 2nd, there was that little thing of turning 40), that I've required an additional mood leveler.  But what the fuck.  It's working for now.  Hopefully, I'll go to bed soon, and will wake up tomorrow having a better day and not acting like such a pussy.

Here's the breakdown: 6 weeks on ETL, Total weight loss 12 lbs. 6 oz.  Pretty fucking pathetic.  Please don't let that stop you from trying.  ANYONE will see better results than me.  I truly believe in it.

Food:
8:15  Smoothie (water, spinach, flax seed banana, blueberries)
11:30  Wendy's Cod Fillet sandwich, med fries, med Coke Zero
2:30  4 fucking pieces of chocolate (We got them at out HOF banquet this weekend)
6:30  3 slices of pizza (green olives, tomatoes, cheese)
2 (312) beers + a Coors Light, and likely more....

Jen

I'm totally nervous about the weigh in tomorrow....in a bad way.  Not only do I have the sins of those few days, but I am pms'ing like a mother fucker.  I'm cramping, puffy, back hurts....all of it.  I'm getting the whole enchilada this month.  What bad timing.  Frick.

Can you believe it?  I'm still in a little recovery mode from the trip.  Well, maybe it's a combo of the dreaded Aunt Flow along w/ the trip.  Anyway, I'm beat.  I was really proud to get my Arc Trainer workout in today, though.  I needed that.

So, I wanted to share a couple of things about the trip that were really healing and freeing to me.  The first morning I was there, I took a walk along the Columbia River (about an hour, my only exercise the entire trip).  It was a crisp, but absolutely picture perfect morning.  Hopefully I'll remember to add a picture of it tomorrow.  Walking along the Columbia, is one of my all time favorite things to do.  It seems whenever Brian and I could get some time alone, that's what we'd do.  He loves it just as much as me.  I also truly treasure taking the walk alone.  I've walked out there when it's raining sideways and been happy.  The walk was just what I needed.  A way to remember what I love about "home", and the walk truly always makes me feel closer to God.  Really.  As anyone would, I had a few reservations about going "home", and the walk set me straight.  God set me straight.  It was the perfect way to start the trip.

I also went by our house.  I, of course, have not been there since we moved at the end of June.  I miss our house.  It's not anything fancy.  It needs a lot of work, but it was our home.  I really thought we would live out our days there.  The main reason we bought it was for the downstairs, and the freedom the boys would have once they got older, having friends over, watching movies, we planned on putting a pool table down there.  There is finally a buyer for the house, so I needed to check out what we still have there, etc.  Brian will probably fly home to take care of everything, when the time comes.   Anyway, the whole deal about the house and having to move has been tough on us.  I was prepared for tears, as I entered the house (a friend of mine is staying there now), but it was like walking into a stranger's home.  It didn't feel like my house anymore.  I think that's a good thing.  It's going to be easier for me to let it go.  I've lost my connection.  So, going to "my" house, was a very positive thing for me, even though it was far from what I expected.  It helped to bring me some.... closure.

Hey, you know what...40 doesn't feel so bad anymore.  I got a perfect card from the group that bought me the ticket, one of the things it says, is: "40 is when you deserve to celebrate yourself and take pride in your strengths without apologizing."  I like that.  I think I like 40.  What the fuck was all the whiny ass bitching I was doing about?  Crazy.

Food:
8:30  Smoothie  (Water, flax seed, spinach, banana, blueberries)
11:00  Bowl of cauliflower soup  (see recipe)
1:30  Taco Smell: Tostada (no cheese), and 2 bean burritos (no cheese, no onion)  What a fuck nut.
6:45  2 Morning Star "Chicken Nuggets"
7:30  Salad w/ Light Honey Mustard dressing (spinach, spring mix, raw carrots)

Exercise:
40 mins on the Arc Trainer (529 cals burned)

I'm sorry I didn't update on the trip.  I kept meaning to, but then I think I would trip over a bottle of alcohol and then drink it, and I guess I would lose out to distraction.  Which isn't a huge surprise.  I get distracted walking from one room to the other. 

I did not eat well on the trip.  I had glimpses of healthy eating, but I also have vague remembrances of eating 2 slices of double chocolate birthday cake.  But really, it wasn't the eating (a lot of the time I didn't eat enough), it was the tons of alcohol that went through my body over 3 days.  I kicked my ass.  Oh Lord, did it kick my ass.  I got home from the trip about 7 last night and went straight to bed.  I didn't get up until noon today.  I slept nearly straight through to 7 this morning and got the boys off to school.  One I got back home, I went right to bed again.  I slept for a while, and then just laid there like I'd been hit by a truck.  I'm finally up and showered (you can probably appreciate that even through the computer screen.  I feel great now.  It was a fun few days, but it's so good to get back to reality.

So, I've apparently changed since turning 40.  It's weird.  Such a quick turnaround.  This is what people heard from me the past 21 years when trying to buy me a shot, "Please don't.  I don't drink hard alcohol.  No, really.  If you buy it, I'll seriously give it away."  After 40, this is what they hear, "Fuck yeah!  What kind?  I don't care.  Surprise me."

Turning 40, has also made me less of a germaphobe.  Oh wait, maybe that was alcohol related.

And last but not least, although I've always known that I have the most amazing set of friends, in my 40's this knowledge has touched my heart in a way I didn't know possible.  I feel blessed beyond compare, and I never want to forget this feeling of overall love.  "Friends make the world go 'round."  Oh shit, who said that?  Apparently turning 40, also makes you totally gay.

So, here I am back on track.  I'm scared shitless for the weigh in on Wed., but it's also not the end of the road.  This is just the first 6 weeks.  The next 6 will be even better.

Food:
12:15  Smoothie (Water, flax seed, blackberries, banana)
2:00  Bowl of cauliflower soup  (see recipe), and raw carrots
5:00  Whole wheat English Muffin w/ Smart Balance Light and a little jelly, plus a banana
9:00  Late dinner...got home too late  Small steamable bag of garden veggies (inc. some baby red potatoes)  160 cals.

Exercise:
45 Mins on bike  (300 cals burned)  Kind of a pussy workout, but I knew I wasn't up for too much more today
Full Weights
Took Junior for 1/2 mile walk

Oh my goodness...I'd made the conscious decision to weigh myself on Tuesday instead of Wed. this week.  I knew no good was going to come out of my 40th birthday.  Although, I really thought it was going to be all beer related, not food.  Anyhow, I'll first fill you in on the weigh in.  I lost 3 lbs!  I'm down to 197.8  While it's not certainly where I want to be, this is apparently in baby steps.  Losing 3 lbs in 6 days was pretty good for me.  So, needless to say, I'm pretty happy with the 3.  Well, I guess as happy as I can be without over thinking the whole situation.

So as you well know, because I've been yammering on about it forever now...I'm now 40.  I did not take the actual birthday well....  I wanted to spend the day under the covers, crying.  While, that was not a great idea, I certainly  could have actually handled things better yesterday.  I knew I needed to get out of this little town, if I wanted any sense of happiness throughout the day.  So, off I went to see Pete Koch in Davenport, IA.  Pete works at Red Robin (Yummm!), and I had my heart set on a veggie burger and salad.  I'd been craving it forever.  I arrive at RR only to find myself ordering the burger (very smartly, no cheese, onion straws, etc...everything on the side), along w/ FRIES!  Not only did I have the fries that came with it, a while later, I had a REFILL.  Now, I was feeling good, that I didn't have them with Ranch, which is how I really like them, but who's kidding who, that's fat girl talk.  I was at RR for 4 or 5 hours...during that time, not only did I consume the burger and fries, I had a "light" vodka drink (low cal lemonade, etc), plus maybe 4 big beers...I think it was 4, but I wouldn't be shocked if it were 5....and nearly all of a mud pie (I think Pete had like 2 or 3 bites).  Yes, I ate an entire mud pie, which is probably designed to feed 4...  Unbelievable!  So, I was out of control in every single way...eating, drinking, emotions...  Not good....and certainly not smart...

So, once home, I decided to take a "nap" for a couple of hours or so.  After that, I was really happy with myself...thinking that I found a way to make it through the whole day...then kicked in the massive headache...and the staying up half the night, b/c I can't quit thinking like my crazy ass self...and then the most restless night of sleep (Oh, and I also ate pistachios at like 9:30 p.m.)  In reflection, just a stupid way to spend the day.  I should've gone to the gym and then just splurged on a veggie sandwich from Subway.  For crying out loud, I'm going on my trip tomorrow, and I've already totally gained weight...Yes, I wanted to hold myself accountable.  In one day, I gained 1 lb. 7 oz.  I work my ass off for a week to lose that sometimes.  Stupid, Stupid, Stupid...  Today, I will eat well, and work my ass off at the gym.  I truly need to try to lose the sins of yesterday, along w/ the sins of my vacation....Oh dear God, am I afraid of this vacation.  If I drink, I have no control, or want of control over my eating...  But I'll focus on one day at a time.  So, here's today:

Food:
8:30  Smoothie (water, flax seed, spinach, banana, mango)
11:30  Banana, Cutie Orange
3:00  Baked potato w/ Smart Balance Light, Salad (spring mix, spinach, light honey mustard dressing), edamame
4:30  Square of dark chocolate
7:00  Bowl of tomato bisque (see recipe) and roasted cauliflower and brussel sprouts

Exercise:
40 Mins on Arc Trainer  (428 cals burned)
Weights

Today has been a tough, tough day....  It's so surreal that this is the end of my thirties.  Really, the end of my "youth."  I've had so much anxiety today.  More than I've had in a while.  I know it's just a number....it doesn't really mean anything, but I've always had an obsession with age.  To be honest, I never thought I'd make it to h.s. graduation, then thought I'd never live to 21, and then that something would happen to me before I got married.  I know it all ties back to losing a good friend at a very young age.  It was all too close.  Too close to thinking I could've been there....too close to knowing what death was when I should've been way too young to have any idea what it was.  So, I guess with each year, also comes a little guilt.  There's nothing I could've done to save her, but I feel like because I could've been there, and wasn't, and that I should've done more with my life.  I know, it sounds dumb.  But it's something that I've tried to let go of (Lord knows through enough time in therapy), but it'll always be with me.  I guess, moving forward, I'll just continue to be the best person I can be.  I need to take care of my body, and not take this great life for granted.  Hopefully 40...will be a wake up call for me, because I know, in a way, that I'm still asleep.

I was really, really wanting to get to the gym today, but it's not going to happen.  It's 7 now, and Brian has no idea when he'll be home.  A bad day to work late (the kids were off from school today, b/c of President's Day).  I'll force my fat ass to get on the treadmill here, soon.  At least make myself do something....  Hopefully put me in a better frame of mind.  btw.  I've been way fucking hungry all day.  It's not going away.  I think it's the stress, but I want to eat everything....and by that I mean everything bad for me.  So far, so good, though.

Hope you all have a good night.

Jen

Food:
8:15  Smoothie (water, kale, flax seed, banana, blueberries)  I don't know if I put too much kale in there, or what...I usually do use quite a bit, but today's smoothie had a very strong kale taste.  Not good.
12:30  Small bowl of cauliflower soup (see recipe), and a butt load of roasted cauliflower and brussel sprouts
1:00  Herbal Mint tea
3:00  Some pistachios
4:00  Square of dark chocolate
6:00  Salad (spinach, spring mix, lite honey mustard), edamame, and a baked potato, w/ 1 tsp of Smart Balance Light, soda water

Exercise:
2 miles on the treadmill (300 cals)

Holy smokes have I been sluggish today.  I didn't even make it to church (2nd week in a row...what a loser).  A normal person would think, I won't drink on my trip, while I keep trying to come up with a way to drink, without getting bombed or sick.  I guess I have my priorities straight :)  I also had the unfortunate addition of acid reflux to my day, today.  Yep, brought on by bad food, and alcohol.  I used to get it all the time, but of course, I hadn't had it in the past 32 days.  Food and drink are directly related to how we feel...I firmly believe it, all the way around.

As sluggish as I was, the boys talked us into taking them swimming.  I'm glad they did.  They were mostly busy w/ Brian in the pool, so I took the opportunity to do lots of laps.  Now mind you, I haven't done a lap in, well, maybe never.  I'm not a great swimmer.  But I worked my tail off in there, and really got my heart rate up.  Doing laps even entailed going to the "deep end" which I also hadn't done in forever.  I can swim, but I always get anxiety about the deep end.  I didn't have it today.  When I wasn't doing laps, I was playing w/ the kids, or keeping myself moving.  It felt good.  Just what my body and mind needed.  I ended my session by doing several backstroke laps.  For me (and I imagine for everyone, the backstroke is my easiest swim), it was so therapeutic.  It felt good having my ears covered by the water, and just, pardon the pun, drowning everything out.  It's the only swim I do w/ my ears underwater.  I don't know how to swim w/ my face in the water, or how to breathe under water.  After swimming, I allowed myself 10 mins. in the spa.  I hadn't been in there forever, and OMG! I will go again soon.  It felt so good.

So, despite a sluggish day, it's been a good one.  Hope you guys are doing well!

Jen

Food:
9:15  Smoothie (water, flax seed, spinach, banana, blueberries)
10:30  Soda water
12:30  I'm proud of myself for making myself eat, as we were going out the door to swim, so I wouldn't let so much time go in between: handful of pistachios and 2 cutie oranges (which didn't help the acid reflux)
3:30  Baked potato w/ 1 tsp of Smart Balance Light, edamame, and steamed broccoli
4:00  Square of dark chocolate
5:45  Green tea
7:15  Cauliflower soup (see recipe), and a salad (spinach, spring mix, light honey mustard dressing)
9:45  A pear

Exercise:
55 mins in the pool

Woohoo.  I didn't drink a beer last night.  When I signed off, I thought I had talked myself into it, but thankfully I didn't do it.  I'd be pissed at myself right now. 

Today was my best workout effort, since I started this thing!  I did the arc trainer (it's the glider thing I've been talking about) for 40 mins and burned 500 cals.  Now, for most, that might not be impressive, but for me...it means I've come leaps and bounds.  I'm not even sure where it came from.  I made myself go workout this morning, and it was a definite effort to get started.  The next thing I know, I look at my stats, and I realize I'm going much harder than I normally do (not that I usually slack, but just that my stats were decidedly better).  I did my best to keep it up and really push myself.  I was sweating my ass off.  I was dying at the end, and with 4 mins. left, "Running on Empty" came up on my iPod.  How fitting.  I was supposed to be be cooling off, but I saw that I was close to 500 cals., so I pushed myself as hard as I could to the end.  I felt so fucking awesome when I finished!  Yes!  The weight might not be melting off as quickly as I'd like, but I can tell you that my exercise abilities have kind of astonished me.  I've come further than I would've thought at this point.  Feels great....

Brian and I will celebrate my birthday tonight.  I'm so excited to have some alone time with him.  We are going to Thai and then the bar to have some drinks.  We don't get to do this much, so I'm really excited.  We always have a good time together when we can get out of the house.

Hope you guys are having an awesome weekend!

p.s.  I know that I'm letting way too much time go in between eating meals...I need to do a better job on this.

Food:
9:00  Smoothie (water, flax seed, black berries, strawberries, and a banana)
2:40  Subway Veggie Delight (all veggies, except red onions, w/ extra spinach)
4:00 Square of dark chocolate
6:45  Microbrew
7:00  Pad Thai and 2 spring rolls (sprouts and mushrooms, etc. wrapped in the paper stuff)  To be honest, it really wasn't that great.  It was a nice change of pace from everything I've been eating, but I'm sure it wasn't worth the calories.  Oh well, we had a nice time.
7:30-10:00  3 more mircrobrews....and I was on my freaking lips.  I even had a full beer in front of me, but I only took a couple of drinks of it.  I knew I was lit, but I wanted to hear the rest of my jukebox songs :)  I was so drunk, I had to sleep w/ a trash can next to the bed (thankfully I didn't have to use it).  I'm glad I learned this lesson before going home...I apparently can't drink for shit anymore.  I even had tons of water...  We had a good time, though.

Exercise:
40 mins on Arc Trainer (500 cals)
Weights

I'll start off  by telling you that I want a beer right now.  I want one real bad.  I'm proud of myself for choosing to play ping pong w/ the boys, instead, though.  It was a good distraction, as is this right now.  Today was such a great day, I feel like celebrating w/ an ice cold one...but I'm thinking about those empty calories, and I'm not going to do it.  Maybe I would've, had I not had processed food at dinner, but I made my bed and now I need to lay in it.  Also, tomorrow Brian and I are celebrating my birthday, by going to a bar and eating Thai food.  I need to keep my head on straight, and try to make good choices.  I feel good, and I don't want to blow it....so I'll keep plugging along and doing my best.

So, as I mentioned earlier, today has been an amazing day.  It started by getting a job offer at a place I feel really good about.  I accepted the job, and I'm going to be the MRO Buyer for Illinois River Energy.  It's an ethanol plant.  I'll be working closely with the maintenance dept., along with others.  I had a great vibe at the interview.  I really think I can be happy there, and I can help them, as well.  There's so much to figure out, though.  What to do for daycare, what to do for Junior, etc.  Too many serious things for me to actually process right now.  I don't start until 3/12, so I have some time to figure it out, at least.  I'm really excited, although nervous to be in the workforce again.  Also, super nervous about leaving the house at 6:30 every morning.  I usually don't even get up until 7 or so...  Plus, if this job really is a good fit, it means that we may stay in this area, which I hate....We'd definitely have to move to a bigger town, that's for sure.

So, a short 45 mins. or so after we came to terms on the offer, Amy called and spelled out my birthday gift.  I'm flying to Portland on Thurs-Sun!  Yay!  I know her and Dracy are involved, but she won't tell me the others, yet.  I'm beyond overwhelmed that my friends would go out of there way for me like this (time, financially, thoughtfulness, etc.)  I would've never, ever thought that people would do this for me.  This, is, by far the best and most thoughtful gift I've ever received.  I so miss my friends, and I'm super stoked to see them in 6 days!!!!!  Really, I don't want to beat a dead horse, but I'm actually speechless over this whole thing.  Imagine...me, speechless!

So, now you know why my nerves are jumping out of my chest, and I'm wanting to crack a cold one.  Ah, fuck...I might just do it...maybe just one...but all I keep thinking about is the 300 calories I burned on the treadmill today and what a waste that would be. 

I hope you guys have a FANTASTIC weekend!  Please keep in touch, and let me know how you guys are doing.  What's working for you?  What isn't?

Love,

Jen

Food:
8:15  Smoothie (water, flax seed, spinach, banana, mangoes)
1:00  Salad (spinach, spring mix, black beans, black olives, lite balsamic vinaigrette), raw carrots, and soup (It's one I made...I know I need to label this stuff...it was green...probably broccoli based), soda water
4:30  Pear
6:00  (2) Morning Star Farms "corn dogs" (150 cals each), plus steamed broccoli

Exercise:
Took Junior for 1/2 mile walk, then 2 miles on treadmill (burn 300 cals)

Well, today has not been my favorite day.  I've had to do/find paperwork all day long.  It looks like our Vancouver house might finally be selling, and what a pain in the ass all of that is.  I had to go through boxes of paperwork, from the move, to find exactly what I needed.  Not to mention that the realtor sent different versions of the same paperwork that needed to be filled out.  I just did them all to be on the safe side.  I also had to pull Brian out of work to get some paperwork notarized.  Ah, it's great to have 2 days notice on this kind of stuff.  I hate these sorts of things.  They stress me out like nothing else.  Well, hopefully I did it all correctly, and there aren't any holdups.  (But I'm sure there will be).  Nothing like working w/ f ing BofA.

There was one really nice thing that I came across as I was looking for the paperwork.  I found the birthday cards I'd rec'd last year, along w/ some other nice cards in general.  I've been a little down lately, and feeling so alone out here.  It was a nice reminder of what great friends I have.  I wish we all lived closer, and our lives weren't so busy, to keep us out of as much contact as we'd all like to have.

I'm hoping Brian gets off early enough today, that I can go to spinning.  I need to get into town, as I need to lift weights.  I think it's just what my mind needs.  Some good hard work, to take my brain off all of these things swilling around up there.

Woohoo!  Got to the gym.  It was just I what I needed...  I'm finally at a place where working out gets my head off of things (part of the time anyway).  But even if my heads over thinking things, at least it takes my mind off of the workout.  Either way, I guess it's a win-win.

Food:
8:15  Smoothie (water, flax seed, spinach, mango, banana)
12:00  Cup of green tea
12:45  Bowl of cauliflower soup (see recipe), and a salad (spinach, spring mix, 1/2 cup of black bean, and lite honey mustard dressing)
6:45  2 taco shells (hard corn), added black beans, 1/2 an avocado, salsa, hot sauce, black olives, also had some steamed broccoli and some raw carrots.
8:00  1 square of dark chocolate, and a soda water

Exercise:
Took Junior on 1/2 mile walk.  It's actually fairly nice out there today.
40 mins of the glider machine (burned 430 cals)
Full weights workout