We made it through Hump Day, post four day weekend. Going back to work after such a glorious break, has been hard. The four of us are always running in different directions. It was nice to have us all in one place for four days. We work so hard taking care of one thing or another, it's easy to forget the most important things. I'm really grateful to have had those days with the family to remind me of what's most important. Of course, I always know what's most important but taking the time to appreciate it is another thing. We are always running, just like every other house. It was nice to just be, without the pressures of everyday, normal life.

Last week we had a benefit lunch for White Five at work. I was totally blown away by the generosity of so many people. I couldn't have anticipated the amount of love that really shown through in the process, from those who donated items to those who gave donations, those who helped serve, and those who totally overpaid for their food. I was choked up many times. I may not care for my job, but I really do love some of the people I work with. I have to say, I'm just really proud to work with people with such an overwhelming sense of community and love. Going into this, I thought we'd make a couple of hundred dollars, but between the lunch (walking tacos, cake, soda) and a company donation, we made $1,340. My heart is full just thinking about it. 

Thanksgiving was really a great day. We went to the Lambo's house and of course there was great company, but there was also fantastic food. I tried to be smart with my food and portions, but of course I probably ate more than I should have. There was cranberry sauce on the table, and I couldn't quit staring at it. Oh, how I wanted some of that sauce. I know how many calories it has, so I knew it had to be off limits. For those kind of calories, I was going to choose a little slice of pie. It was tough though...the temptation...like it was mocking me, right there on the table. Choosing not to go for seconds was actually a bit emotional. I really wanted to cry. I think more than the food, it was the fact that I got myself into a situation where I can't even really enjoy Thanksgiving the way I always have. That was a hard thing to accept. This weight is a hard thing to accept, every.single.day. At the end of the day, I was proud of myself, though. I wouldn't have felt well if I totally over-did it. I was proud that I had self-control, which is not an easy thing for me.

I guess this leads me to the weigh-ins. I don't think I wrote last week. I was only down half a pound last week. I was surprisingly okay with it, though. I knew I'd eaten out more than I should, but I was still smart about what I ate. I wasn't able to move real well with my stupid back, so I got no help from steps, either. Of course, I hoped for more, but at the same time was relieved I didn't gain. I knew I really had to buckle down after that. Thankfully, I've also moved much better this week. I was even able to do some light hiking on Sat and Sun. It was really nice to be active with great friends. It always makes it easier. The past two days my back is feeling really close to normal. I'm still afraid of lifting anything, but I'm almost there! Anyway....I was down 3 pounds today! I'll take that anytime, but especially post holiday. I told a friend about it today, and she was like, "you must be so excited!" Excited....no, relieved yes. I'm still working on embracing my baby steps. I'm making them, which is a feat in itself. I guess if I look at it that way, I am proud. I am proud of each little baby step. Maybe I'll even get excited about it one day.

I hope this Hump Day finds you well! We are on the downhill slide, to a well deserved Friday. 

I'll leave you with a song I've been diggin on lately. I love a song with a story, and a heart you can feel through this guy's voice. Enjoy.

Take care,

Jen

A journey is full of so many steps. There are some steps forward, backward, missteps, but they are all part of our journey. There isn't such a thing as a perfect journey. It might turn out to be your perfect journey, but it's full of all of those types of steps. I have to tell myself this every day as I take my different steps or stumbles toward my goals. I would say this has been my biggest lesson in wanting this to be the rest of my life. My head tell me: you know how to do this: simply eat a vegan, whole foods diet, and everything you want to happen will happen. Maybe that will be part of my journey one day, but at this point, I honestly don't see it that way. Right now, I incorporate a lot of those principles into my diet, but it's not the basis for my diet. Honestly, I'm just trying to be smarter. I keep harping on this, but it's true: I just think about everything I eat. My diet today is night and day from what it was just a month and a half ago. I'll need to improve as I go on, but I'm learning something everyday during these steps. For the first time in my life, I'm learning to really forgive myself for not being the person I think  I should be. My whole life I've beat myself up about not being good enough in whatever area of my life. You name it, and I've beat the shit out of myself for it. These past couple of years (most especially this last year), it's really hit an all-time high (or low-I guess) on how I perceive myself, how I disappoint myself. It's gotten me to a place where I simply dropped off the face of the earth to people outside of Illinois. I quit returning phone calls, texts, etc. It all happened without me really knowing it. I would always tell myself, I'll get back to them later, when I have more time, etc. Later would never come. I've sat there with the phone in my hand (actually even did this Friday night), wanting to reach out to say hello, but then I think about what I have to offer. What will I say when people ask how I am? What will I say when they ask about the book I haven't been able to touch in many months? What will I say when they ask about my job? My family (that I always feel I'm failing?) It's overwhelming to me. I have been called out on it by people that love me, my lack of communication, which only leads to even more silence. Some have handled it with nothing but love, while I've also seen anger. This has been going on for even more months than I care to admit. I'm working on it, though. I'm making myself go out of my comfort zone. I even had a phone conversation today with someone I should never go more than a week without speaking to, and it had been since August. It's all part of my steps... I'm just glad I have steps, that I'm not standing still or walking backwards, as I have for so long now. These steps have allowed me to recognize some of my issues and address the weight. These steps are taking some of this weight off that has been weighing me down in every single way. My steps aren't perfect. In fact, I'm a little nervous that I may even be up a pound or so this weigh in. Not being able to walk without feeling like I want to cry didn't help things. Eating out more than I should also didn't help at all. But still, I thought about every bite, and I never went off the rails. I just didn't do as well as I can. I hope that I'll be at a loss, but I can't be certain.

Today's steps have led to my first 10,000 since last Sunday. My back is so much better. The stars aligned for my chiropractor appointment on Thursday. The chiro had actually learned a new technique that morning at a seminar. The back issue was partly tied to a permanent back issue I have for which I have never received relief from a chiro. This new technique worked on where the bone and muscles meet and moving the muscles back into place. Tears rolled down my face on Thursday as it was so painful, but when she was done I was able to stand up straight. Friday's appointment wasn't as bad and again I had improvement. I'm sore and afraid to lift any weight, but I'm able to walk. I got steps in between Cal's races today at his swim meet. I don't feel comfortable walking Jesse yet, as I'm afraid if she pulls, my back will pull, too. I feel it pulling with most steps, but it's manageable. I'll be alright. Tomorrow should be better than today, and I have a chiro appointment. I'm so very grateful to be moving again. It was really depressing having something I've come to love taken away like that.

There are a few people who have helped me with my steps along the way. I've mentioned my friend from work, who I've been doing lunches with a couple of times a week (I provide a healthy lunch on M and she on W). She has been a tremendous help to me in this journey. On Thursday, her position was eliminated. It's heartbreaking. She's good at her job. I will miss her. I will miss her always being so positive with me and each step. In fact, even in her selflessness today, she text that she will miss being along side me in this journey and want to be kept up to date. That really meant a lot to me, that she would think of that, in the midst of all that's just come upon her. I'm grateful to her and others that are there for me. I'm grateful to my friend who helped me run errands yesterday, lifting the things I can't for me. She gave me her whole day, between watching Cal swim and the things I needed to do. I'm grateful to White 5 for coming out to watch Cal swim, too, even though he has every reason in the world to not drive the hour out here. I also took on a project this week, that became really overwhelming very quickly. I'm grateful to those that recognized it and offered their help. I'm grateful they see the same vision I have for this project. I'm grateful for their time and money. I can't wait until it's done. I've really thought about all of these people these past few days. I'm so blessed to have always surrounded myself with the best of people. The type of people who would always stand by me, just like those are doing now, even when I've done my best to push them away.

I could write and write tonight, but I should stop for now. I just felt this overwhelming need to write about what I've been going through. This blog has taught me that I'm not the only one out there experiencing some of these things. Becoming so distant is a first for me, but I am seeing a way out of it-maybe a baby step in the right direction. Whatever steps you're wanting to take, I hope you keep your eye on the prize.

I once again ask you to pray for Jeff. Please pray for relief for him and his family. Please pray that his prayers are answered soon. I also ask that you keep White 5 in your prayers. His last round of chemo should start tomorrow, and I pray his numbers are good. He's ready for this part to be over and then onto the last portion of his treatment plan.

I'll leave you with a fantastic song by Kenny Chesney and Pink. May we all set the world on fire in our own way. One step at a time.

​Jen

Happy Hump Day! We are on the downhill slide, and even better yet, on the downhill slide before a short week. Can you believe the holidays are already here? What the fuck happened? The weather here has definitely been cooling off, but there have been some really beautiful days. Now, there are calls of snow for Friday. The thought of winter makes me so sad, but I will hope for a freak snowstorm here this weekend. It's what happened a year ago (when we were moving into our new house...) and Cal had his home swim meet. Not many swimmers were able to make it, and Cal took home lots of medals. He's been wishing out loud for another storm. Ha. I love it!

I had a really fantastic weekend. It started with my HR friend getting a really great job. We celebrated with friends, and I had a couple of beers for the first time in weeks. Mmmmm...beer. Not only that, I had the best martini of my life, pumpkin. It was like drinking a pumpkin pie. Through the night, I was aware of everything I ate or drank, and tried to make good choices (well, except the martini, but I don't regret that for a minute). The next morning a friend and I went hiking on a trail that has kicked my ass week after week, but I have loved it. This hike went really good, and I felt so strong, we did another 1 mile hike after we were done (total of 4+ miles). I certainly felt it in that hike. Later that day, I met up with an old co-worker/great friend and another friend of hers for a day trip to WI. There were so many laughs. Oh, how I miss seeing that woman all the time. Sunday was filled with some heavy cleaning before a friend came over for a walk and dinner. The walk was the same as the normal, at a park up the street from us. I felt my back giving me fits when I was walking up the street, but it wasn't overly terrible. By the time we finished the walk (only two miles), I could barely move. That's where I am today...I thought for a short time today it was getting better, but it doesn't feel that way now. This is the worst back pain I've ever had. I'm almost just shuffling my feet, but at least I can move. The only time it's not bothering me is when I'm laying down. Yesterday, it brought me really down. The pain caught up to me, and I was super crabby. I was really sad about not being able to move, as I've really come to love getting my steps in. Thankfully today, I woke up in better spirits. I really am taking it easy, although that's hard for me. Hoping this damn thing gets better soon. If I want to stay on track with my weight loss, moving will certainly help.

Speaking of weight loss, today was my weigh-in. I was a little nervous, as I drank more this weekend than I have during any other time since I started watching my calories. I was glad to be down 2.4 lbs again. More than any numbers, I was happy to buy a couple of pairs of new jeans yesterday. Pants that fit, what a novel idea! I was not in the mood to shop for clothing, when my friend called me as I was shuffling through Wal-Mart to tell me about a nearby store have a jeans sale. I got her hint (she has to see me everyday at work), and clumsily tried pants on with my bad back. I was much happier to get those pants, than I was for the number on the scale today. The scale...it's just still so tough for me...in fact, it's what therapy was spent on tonight. I don't usually go super deep in therapy. I use it primarily to talk about the things I hold inside, so I have a way to get them out. But tonight was work. Work toward understanding why I can't be happy about my numbers. If the numbers weren't good, Lord knows I would beat myself up over them. Anyway, I think there was some progress, but we know I'm a hot mess, and it will take a lot to work through it. I'll get there one day, though. 

I should get to bed. I mean, 8:00 is quickly approaching. I'm telling you, this back is taking it out of me.

I hope your night is full of the things you love. I'll leave you with a song in honor of my jacked up back ;)

~Jen

Happy Friday Eve! This has been a long ass week, and I welcome Friday with open arms. Tuesday morning it already felt like it was a long week. I made mention of that to a coworker, and he was like, "It took you long enough. I felt that way yesterday." Ha. I really do love nearly all of the people I work with.

I'm glad to have a month under my belt now with this change in lifestyle. Yes, I still hate the word diet (it's a temporary word), but I'm still searching for the perfect expression of the changes I have made. I'm still loving getting out there and walking when I can. The weather is rapidly changing, and soon it will be so cold out here, that it will hurt to breathe. It's 52 out now, and I returned not so long ago from my walk. I can live with this weather. It was a bit windy, but the sky was clear and the moon and stars above were absolutely beautiful. I had a great time hiking last weekend and have already made plans to go both days this weekend. I enjoy being in the moment of the walk: taking in the sights, smells, and watching Jesse busily sniffing around. She must have some sort of bloodhound in her. Tonight we walked in an area, where we don't go often. We walked by the house where Ryne is spending the night. Jesse stopped and peed in the front yard. It was the only time she peed in our 2 1/2 miles. I guess she's marked our house here, and she just wants to remind Ryne that she rules the roost. She totally cracks me up. I wish I could say the walking was always smooth. My body likes to remind me of my excess weight. Sometimes I hardly feel anything, and then on little, simple walks like tonight, I feel all the feels. After I'm done writing, I'll soak in the tub. My back and knee were unforgiving tonight. I'll take it, though. I feel...even if it's those feels...I'll take that over being unconscious.

My eating continues to be mostly good. Even when I'm not eating as good as I want, I'm still almost always under my calories. I'm still making choices that I'm proud of. When I picked up a supreme pizza for White Five the other night, I got myself a baked potato. Sure, the potato had cheese and I added a little sour cream, but it also had steamed broccoli and cauliflower. It was still a better choice for me, than pizza would've been. It's been having a terrible day and heading toward Taco Bell, only to talk myself out of it, and end up at Subway getting a 6" egg white on wheat with pepper jack and veggies, along with soup. The calories were the same as what I planned on spending at Taco Bell, but I like to think I chose smarter calories. These examples show I'm still eating out too much, but it's still a fraction of what it used to be. I'm enjoying the journey. I like learning new, healthy options. It seems like I'm learning something almost daily. It's nice for a person who likes to think they already know everything ;) Today, my friend Emily brought lunch to work for us. She brought a sandwich and salad in a jar. If you haven't seen them (which I hadn't before she started doing them), you must check them out. I LOVED it. I can't wait to make my own. They stay fresh for up to five days. It would be great to prep those suckers up on Sunday for the week. I'm still blown away by the support I have around me during this. I'm truly grateful to many for walking along side me in this much needed journey.

I went into this week's weigh-in with much anxiety. It's still such a vulnerable place to be, doing this in front of someone. I was happy to be down 2.4 lbs., but really I would be much happier only weighing in once a month or so. We also did my measurements. In a month, I'm down 10 1/4". I don't know what's good or not. I've never taken measurements, but I can tell you I feel it in a big way. I'm really happy to feel the changes in my body. Of course, wouldn't you know it...2 1/2" came out of my boobs. C'mon! I never had boobs until I got heavy. Don't take these suckers from me. I kinda like 'em. Anyway, I'm down around 12 lbs in a month, and I'm just happy to be going in right direction. Overall now, I'm now down 40 pounds from my heaviest weight ever (by a mile) that I hit not so many months ago. It's funny...the number 40 doesn't mean much to me. It should. I know I should be jumping for joy, but mostly I feel shame. I feel shame that I ever had forty to lose to begin with. I feel extreme shame, that I have much more than forty still to go. I feel shame, that losing forty pounds, hasn't made me not fat. I'm still fat. I'll be fat for quite some time. I wish I could enjoy this. I wish I could make myself smile over it, the same way I force myself to smile big when I hit 10k on my fitbit. I don't think it's healthy that I'm not overly proud of it. I wish it were something I could talk about proudly with my friends. I'm not there, yet. I have a lot of work to do in my head when it comes to everything to do with my weight. I must be making progress, though. I'm conscious. I'm aware of everything I'm doing to my body. It's been a long time since that has been the case.

I should go do some soaking. I hope you're having a great evening, doing the things that make you happiest.

I'll leave you with a song that's been in my head all day. It has no special meaning, but Weird Al was on Howard this morning, and they played a clip from I Lost on Jeopardy, which made me think of Greg Kihn and my favorite song by them. Yes, there is no easy thought process in this head of mine. I hope it brings back some good memories for you. Greg's right in that, they just don't write 'em like that anymore.

Good night, 

Jen

I'd be remiss, if I didn't start this entry and not mention the Cubs. How 'bout them Cubs? Cubs win! Cubs win! Holy Cow, Cubs win! I have to admit, the series probably took a couple of years off my life. I was living and dying with every pitch. I really was a mess. I couldn't sit still during commercials, but on the upside, my house looked pretty good those ten days or so. Even if you aren't a Cubs fan, I hope you were able to see game 7. I've really never seen anything like it. As much heartache as it caused at times, I simply can't imagine the game going any other way. Brian and I are lifelong Cubs fans, so it was so special that he was off that night, and to also see the Cubs win with Ryne, who was named after the great Cub: Ryne Sandberg. It was such an emotional moment, and even after Alzheimer's has one day grabbed hold of me, I bet it might be one of the stories I repeat.

I'm proud to report that I made it through Halloween, having not had any candy. Every time I thought of it, I just thought how the calories weren't worth it. That's been the biggest difference for me this past month or so: thinking about everything I put into my body. I'm not saying I've made all smart choice. I know I could be doing better, but I can't think of an instance where whatever choice I made, wasn't much better than the choice I would've made before I began to think about my food choices. There have been great victories and times where I'm probably telling myself an untruth to allow myself to eat whatever it is. I'm human, and as you all know...all too human at times.

Last weekend and today, I did some major, major hiking for me. It has felt so great. Here it is November, and one day it will feel like it, then next the weather is perfect. I've hiked by myself and with friends. I love it either way. The time in nature, spent with just my dog and I is amazingly reflective. The time spent hiking with friends is also great in that it's full of great conversation and it makes it easier for me. I have more energy when I'm distracted by conversation. I'm truly grateful for those who get out there with me, when I know I'm slowing them down, but treat me as if I'm an equal. I have to say, being treated as an equal with friends and their support through this, has been really huge for me. I think of myself in such negative ways sometimes, and I know I'm so much heavier than every single one of my friends, but the support and love thrown my way is gratifying. I love talking healthy recipes with people, getting ideas from them while they get some from me. It makes me feel so...normal... Back to the hiking, today we were with D and Dagny. It was Dagny's first time off the leash, and it made me so happy. Jesse and her just stuck together and did so great. It really made my heart happy. I love the shit out of those dogs.

This was week was my third weigh-in. I went into this session, taking control from the beginning. I told her that I knew I wasn't eating perfectly, but I'm doing a lot better than before I started. She came at me with a different approach, which worked much better. She was very complimentary and we had a great session talking about food labels, etc. Somewhere in these three weeks, she gave me the wrong weight loss amount. I don't write anything down and try not to think about numbers too much, because it fucks with my head too much. But I was very happy to learn, that after 3 weeks I was down 10 pounds. Because the numbers she'd given me, didn't add up to that, I was a little thrown, as she told me at the end of our session that I was down 10. I looked at my book, with my first weigh in, though, and sure as shit...down 10. Having lost 10 pounds now, I lose 100 calories off of my daily allowance. I think I'll be alright, though. I don't usually use all my calories anyway. More than anything the scale says, I am just happy with how I feel. I feel so much better. I know some of it was a big adjustment to my blood pressure medication (humiliating to admit I have high bp), but I could never have felt this good with just a medication adjustment alone. I still have a lot of work to do on my bp, and it is something I think about everyday in the decisions I make.

I know I sound like a broken record...but really...I wasn't ready when I started...but I started. I thank God that I did. The life I was living just a month ago, is so different than today. I have so much more energy. I don't feel like I'm going to drop of a heart attack at any given moment. I sleep better. I'm so much more appreciative of the good health I have. I pray I never take my health for granted again. It's not fair to God, it's not fair to my family and friends, and it's not fair to me. So, if you're thinking about starting something, now is the time. Take that baby step. A month from now, you'll look back and be singing like I am. You can't go wrong.

I have a favor to ask of you...please keep White Five (Jim) in your prayers. Chemo is a real mother-fucker. He is strong and fighting like the strong man he is. I am so proud to be his friend. I'm hoping you'll also add Jeff to your prayers. He is loved by so many, and what has happened to him is not fair. Through it all he has kept a positive attitude and has been an inspiration to so many. I wish things were different, for him and his fight. Please ask God to continue to love Jeff and his family through it all.

-I'll leave you with a song, that's an ode to my hiking. When I'm hiking alone, it goes through my head. It's also a version of a song that a good friend loves. Enjoy.
​
​~Jen