With the weather, I’m grateful to have a job, that allows me to work from home when the elements go bat shit crazy or come in after there’s been enough time to really salt the roads. I’ve seen more accidents this winter, than I’ve ever seen. Even this morning, before I even got out of my little town (35 mph zone), there was a 2 car accident. Today it was ice, as it has been often, as well as snow, freezing rain, etc. One day, just a couple of minutes after Brian and I each passed through the highway, right before getting into town, there was a rollover – closing down the highway, both directions. When these things happen, I get terrible anxiety for the friends I know, who are still driving in the crap. It is truly scary stuff. Coworkers have been involved in accidents, too. I won’t complain about the 2 rock chips in my windshield I’ve incurred. Also, I can’t complain too loudly, as my poor dog Jesse might hear me–she has been really having a hard time with the weather. She hasn’t been able to get walked and has been forced to shit on the deck. She is the saddest thing right now.
2019 has also proven to be a really tough year, in terms of losses suffered by those really close to me. In the midst of it all, two of my favorite people, each lost a parent – services on the same day – in different states. It has been hard with so many losses, being so many miles away from so many I wish I could be there for. During this same time, a friend also visited the Dr. after only missing two days of work. He thought he was getting better from an illness, but felt really drained. The Dr. said he looked good but would run some blood work. A few hours later, she called to tell him, she thought he had cancer. She had him to go the E.R. and within another few hours he was being transported to a large hospital in the city. He is battling a rare form of cancer, and it is all so crazy….how quickly things happen. He is someone I know well, and have long felt protective of him and some of the scars life has left him with. All of these things, are giant reminders that we never know what life will bring. I hope we will all work our hardest out of making the best out of the life we have.
I turned 47 last week, and there was a lot of thinking about how ill I was last year on my birthday. I didn’t talk about those memories with anyone, and I had zero expectations for my birthday – while still feeling excited about a new year. I was simply happy to be in a much healthier place, than I was a year ago. Funny enough, this turned out to be one of my favorite birthdays ever. I just really felt the love and continue to feel the love between gifts that keep arriving and birthday dinners with friends. More than anything, the words I received from so many, were exactly what I needed. I felt every bit of it. I have been increasingly distant in recent years with most people, but regardless – they are still there, loving me. There are no expectations from me, and nobody wants anything from me. My friendship, in whatever capacity is appreciated. I’m truly blessed with the best family and friends. I have always known this. Really….I feel it.
Last Friday, a friend asked if I would take their tickets (killer seats) to James Taylor and Bonnie Raitt (they had a sick pet). She insisted it was a birthday gift. I’m not super comfortable with accepting something so generous, and wished they could go or would sell them. Still, she said how good it would make them feel, if I accepted them. I believe them, and feel grateful they thought of me. I already had plans with a friend, who was going to take me out to celebrate on Saturday, and instead, it turned into a weekend out of town for us, for the concert. It really was a great weekend, full of laughs, great food, and the phenom Bonnie Raitt. She is simply amazing.
Last month (amidst illness, but it was on my best day – before it all got worse), another friend and I headed to Milwaukee to see Bob Seger. It was a great opportunity to get to know this friend better (I truly enjoy her), and to see someone I’ve always wanted to see. I’ve definitely got the concert bug and have a few others lined up. I’m stoked! I also look forward to it not being -20 (Seger) and driving wind, rain, ice (Raitt). I will appreciate every bit of it.
I started reading, You are a Badass today. I only read for about 20 mins, but it was enough to get myself to write in this blog again. I’ve allowed things to keep me from writing. I have had some strings of really tough days. I’ve gone through a lot lately. I’ve found the courage to say words I could never say. In other places, I’ve also quit saying words, where I had said so many, but they were never heard or honored. At 47 years old, I’m finally using my voice. I’ve always let others voices carry over mine, giving theirs more weight. I feel blessed to finally have a self esteem that is allowing me to know my worth. I guess a person can only be pushed so far – even me.
Although there have been bad days, I’ve never let them happen easily. I still fight the sadness when it comes. I still hate it. I work against it. It doesn’t define me. I wish I didn’t feel things as much as I do, but at the same time, I feel the great and the love so much, too. There are very low, lows (but it is all in perspective after being so ill last year), but there are also a lot of high, highs. I thank God every single day for this life. I will always be a work in progress. It’s ironic, given how my self esteem was so often intertwined with my weight – that as I’m gaining, I’m feeling most powerful. I have been eating like shit. I haven’t been drinking much – rarely at home. Tonight, I did pour some wine before writing, and it has been nice, though. So, where I would at times, deal with things through alcohol, now it has been almost exclusively food. I’m better than that, but I have been gentle with myself. My blood pressure is on one of its totally crazy journeys right now, enough that it makes me too nervous to do boot camp. It is related to situations and my diet. I’ll always have BP issues, but can be managed through good diet and good mental health practices. Today I made some big changes to my diet. I feel good about what’s to come. I’m not beating myself up over anything. I have faith in myself. I respect my body enough to know, that I need to get this BP under control.
Work has been crazy – with all of the new added responsibilities. I most often work through lunch and a lot on the weekends. I’m getting a better handle on things and try and have a healthy attitude about it all. I was bored to tears, before the change in duties. I can now say, I don’t have that issue 😊 With that being said, I’m trying not to wish away the week and only look toward the weekend. In the toughest of days, I am grateful for it all. I will be going on vacation next month – WHERE THERE IS SUN! I’m not counting the days. I’m stoked to go, but I’m trying to make the most of every day. I owe it to myself. I owe it to my friend who is fighting cancer and unable to do the things he wants. I owe it to the swimmer, who did not have use of his legs and swam his ass of at the meet a couple of weeks ago. I owe it to God.
I’ve chopped my hair off. I’m reading a great motivational book. We all do what we do to make the best of situations and our lives. Some days are easier than others for all of us. Let’s continue to be our badass selves…in whatever way works for us. At the end of it all, we are responsible for our own happiness.
And with that Cheers my friends,
-This song is dedicated to the 1990 Girls SE Alaska Champs. And for all the fire inside, we all have. So moving to hear this song in concert.