So, I'm not a great sleeper.  I don't know if I ever really have been.  I've been having more problems the past several years, though.  Usually, it's just that I can't turn my mind off.  I lay there forever before falling asleep, and then I proceed to get up a few times during the night to pee.  For the past month or so, I've been having a whole different sleeping issue.  I don't remember having this issue before, but who knows, my memory is so bad, maybe I have.  Anyway, getting to sleep hasn't been too tough, but I keep having these very clear, vivid, reoccurring dreams night after night.  I wake up, and then I think about them forever.  Now, get your mind out of the gutter....not the good kind of dreams, you know, when you feel like you need to take a shower in the morning.  One of the dreams is that Brian tells me that we're moving to: insert city here (last time it was Memphis).  He tells me he got hired somewhere else, etc.  In the dream, I'm thinking...really?  You took a job without talking to me first?  I think this dream is just b/c I feel so unsettled, knowing that IL is just a temporary place to live.  Also, I feel like I have no control.  I've never, not worked, before.  I feel like I don't contribute enough to the family, etc.  Times are tight, and I'm looking for a job, but there's not much out here in BFE.  The other "dream" is about a "friend" that recently screwed me over.  Here's the real life back story:  This "good friend" offered to help me out after we moved, with selling some of our stuff on Craigslist, that I hadn't gotten rid of, and selling other stuff in a garage sale that she'd have at our house.  (They were also in the process of moving, and needed a place to have their moving sale).  My father-in-law had offered to do this for me, but he hasn't been feeling well, so I wasn't comfortable on taking him up on it.  With the "friend," I thought it was a win/win.  Her and her hubby could stay at my house, etc. for a while before they left, and I was just glad to help them, and was very appreciative of them helping me.  I used to hear from this "friend" everyday.  Even after the move I'd hear from her all the time, she was going to send me my $ (nearly $700), and some stuff of mine, inc. printer, Vita-Mix (which is why I was so pissed I had to buy another one...), some other stuff of mine, and something she'd promised to Ryne.  Ryne checked the mail every single day for 2 months looking for it.  Anyway, almost nightly I dream that her and I have a conversation, and she tells me why she hasn't been able to send it, and I believe her, and she gets me my money and stuff.  I feel like such an asshole (real life here).  I should've seen this coming...  I don't know if it was their intention to steal from us all along, or if they ran into trouble and "borrowed" my money.  They won't get back to me.  So, once again I wake up early this morning from this dream.  This time I have an epiphany, though.  This is keeping me up at night, while they are probably sleeping like babies...  This money is  a HUGE deal to me, but I'm not going to let them steal my sleep, too.  So, hopefully with this realization, I'll sleep much more sound tonight.  Wish me luck :)

So, on to good dreams!  I'm going to work on a collage today of the things I'd love in life, that I don't yet have.  Goals, so to speak.  I'd heard Oprah talk about it, and Jillian Michaels in her Unlimited book.  This doesn't mean I do everything that Oprah tell me to, well...actually I do.  This collage will be on a cork board, and I'll hang it in my room.  It'll be a nice thing to look at in the morning to remember why I'm watching my food and drink, and things that I hope to have the money for someday.  At the end of each night, I'll have to look at it, and hopefully have the answer that I made the right choices that day to get me closer to those goals.  I'll post it on here, when I'm done.

MOFO!!!!  I CAN'T QUIT EATING TODAY!!!!

7:30  Smoothie (soy milk, spinach, apple, frozen peaches)  This wasn't my favorite, but I'm not a big fan of apples, so I thought I'd make myself have one by throwing it in my breakfast.
8:15  Caffeine free Diet Coke
9:10  Morning Star Farms breakfast sandwich
11:00  Bowl of Raisin Bran w/ soy milk
12:30  1/2 whole wheat pb sandwich w/ honey
2:00  Bowl of

I've actually gotten a good start to today.  Yay, me!  When I got back from dropping the boys at school this morning, I came home to a flurry of texts from my Cousin Melinda's, wife Sandy.  Oh, Sandy was talking some serious smack talk for fantasy football.  Let me tell you something...there are few things I like more than talking smack talk (the only thing that comes to mind is a great f/marry/kill).  So, we engaged in some fun bantering.  Love it.  But I must be honest here, my team is not all that good....  My first 2 picks (inc. Peyton Manning) are out hurt, so I'm in a bit of a hole.  It's fun to pretend like I kick ass, though.  I left it with, "Just sit there and look pretty.  Leave the winning to the professionals."  I knew that would get her :)
After the smack talk, I got to cleaning.  I felt really bad about being so lazy yesterday.  I accomplished quite a bit, but I've got more to do this afternoon. 
I took Junior for a walk this morning.  I feel so bad for him.  He loves to go on walks, and he even tries to run (which inevitably leads to some zig zag thing), but he's lagging behind me the last 100 yards or so, if not more.  Poor guy.  He's such a great freaking dog.  I wish he were better...I wish I could do something for him.
After I dropped Junior back at the house, I went by and stole Duke.  I tell myself that I like to take Duke out, because I feel sorry for him, being at home by himself during the day.  However, that's not really true.  I love walking him, throwing him the ball, etc.  It's just as much for me, as it is for him.  In fact, Paul was off work this morning.  I knew this, but I still went and stole his dog :)  Paul needed him back before he left for work, so it cut my walk a lot shorter than it would've been.  It was lots of fun, though.

Food:
8:00  Smoothie (soy milk, spinach, blueberries, banana, raspberries)  Actually, it was really good!  The raspberries were a nice change of pace.  I felt really bad for not eating many whole foods yesterday, so I knew I needed to start w/ a smoothie.
11:30  Bowl of Raisin Bran w/ Rice Milk
1:00  Red Beans and Rice w/ Spring Mix and Herbs w/ homemade garlic/lemon dressing
3:30  Diet Orange Soda
5:45  2 tacos (hard corn shells, veggie crumbles, homemade guac, black olives, salsa, and hot sauce) Plus a big Spring Mix w/ Herb salad and homemade Raspberry Vinaigrette Dressing.
For dessert: 2 small bites of a brownie
Exercise:
9:45  Took Junior for 1/3 mile walk and then went another 3 miles or so.

I'm having a tough time figuring out what to write about today, so I'll just give an account of my day.  I woke up still in a bit of a funk this morning, but I was bound and determined to not let it ruin my day.  I took Junior for a walk, and then I went on a fairly long walk myself.  Usually walks are like therapy for me.  Today, not so much.  Every once in a while, I'll walk, and it makes things worse.  My head just starts stressing out about everything and I can't turn it off today.  Man, I was so freaking frustrated.  It's been a while since that happened.  After I back, I snuggled up w/ Junior for a while and decided to watch the Grey's season premiere.  I was still "moody" afterward, so I lit a candle and took a nice, long bath.  That shoulda cured me, right?!  I mean, who wouldn't kill for a day like this?  Dammit!  Nope...just worse...  Anyway, that's about it.  I'm cooking dinner now, but quite honestly, I just want to go to bed.  Hope it's an early one tonight. 
What do you do to bring yourself out of a funk?  I'm def open to suggestions, except "snap out of it" won't work, so don't use that one ; )

Food:
7:30  Caffeine free Diet Coke
8:00  Banana, and oatmeal + some brown sugar
12:15  2 Morning Star breakfast sandwiches...total processed crap, Caffeine free Diet Coke
3:30  Lite whole wheat bagel w/ pb
6:45  3 tacos (veggie crumbles, soft corn shells, homemade guac, salsa, black olives, hot sauce), and some red beans and rice.

Exercise:
10:00  Took Junior for 1/3 mile walk and then walked another 4 1/2-5 miles.

Today was a bit stressful.  I wanted to turn to food for most of the day.  I had to run errands all morning, and usually when I'm out I'll "treat" myself to something bad for me.  I did a pretty good job of fighting through it, but I could've done better.  However, I'm proud of myself, for staying away from the caffeine, and away from McD's or a Mexican restaurant!  Everytime I kept thinking about it, I thought about the shame from having to add it to the website.  It's working :)
Ryno had a football game tonight.  Holy smokes, what an ass beating.  They lost 34-0, and the score doesn't represent the drilling that took place.  Once more game this season....and I couldn't be happier :)  I'm glad he likes it, but it's so time consuming, and there's so much running around.  Cal is not a good sport about having to tag along for games and practices.  Patience really isn't his strongest suite!
So, I just ate some grapes, but I'm still hungry.  I didn't eat enough today.  I'm wanting to eat a bowl of cereal, but I'm trying to fight it off!  We'll see what happens!
-Shiooott...had the cereal.

Food:
8:00  Smoothie (banana, blueberries, strawberries, soy milk, and spinach)
9:00  Diet 7Up
1:15  Veggie burrito from Don Pedro's  -super yummy, but it had cheese and sour cream...
3:20  banana
5:30  Baked potato and spring mix and herb salad w/ homemade garlic, lemon dressing, Caffeine free Diet Coke
8:10  Small bowl of grapes
8:35  Bowl of Raisin Bran w/ Rice Milk

And here it is...getting back on the horse day.  I'm such a schmuck for ever getting off it, b/c it's so hard starting over again.  My goal for this week is:
no caffeine (unless in tea)
no fried foods
eat lots of fruits and veggies

This should be simple enough, right?  I want off the pop completely, but mofo...it's so hard...so I'm drinking caffeine free diet this week, and next week, I'll say goodbye to the shit.  In a nutshell, soda represents everything I hate about being unhealthy and being me...it's always the addiction that pulls me back in.

So, I started this site in order to shame myself into getting on track.  I mean, there's nothing more humiliating than putting my weight out there and these crazy fucking thoughts that come out of my head.  I figured the site would be my key to "fixing" myself by ways of humiliation.  Recently, I've really started to pull a whole new directive out of this website, though.  Just this weekend, I've gotten the greatest messages from some of you.  I've laughed my ass off, cried, and have been given much pause for thought.  The level of love out there is so wonderful to see.  It's easy for us to forget how much we have, when we aren't looking to see it.  This weekend, I've once again been reminded of how lucky I am to have such an amazing group of friends.  Thank you.

I've been eating lots of sugar lately, so staying away from the sweets today has been tough (although I did have the pb & honey, and Raisin Bran).  This certainly hasn't been my best day, but I feel fairly good about it.  I hope for better out of tomorrow.  This week will be a bit of a challenge, as the groceries are pretty limited, and I need to eat off what we have in the house.

How are you doing?

Food:
8:15  Smoothie (banana, blueberries, strawberries, soy milk, and spinach)
9:00  Caffeine Free Diet
11:00  Small bowl of Raisin Bran w/ Rice Milk
1:00  Baked potato and 2 carrots
2:30  Caffeine Free Diet
3:30  1/2 pb and honey sandwich on wheat
6:00  Black bean patty topped w/ half avocado & salsa, baked french fries, sping mix salad w/ herbs (dressing: homemade lemon garlic)
6:30  Caffeine Free Diet

So, tomorrow it is!  Getting my ass in gear.  I look forward to it!  I want to feel good.
I have to tell you, that I rec'd the nicest email this morning from a good friend.  I didn't know that she read the blog, but she wrote me about it, and had such wonderful, encouraging things to say.  She also spoke about how she identifies with so many of the feelings that I have conveyed in this blog.  I have mixed emotions about that.  It's nice that I'm not the only one who feels like this, but it saddens me that she feels bad about herself.  I can honestly tell you, she is one of the most genuine, fun spirited (eveyone loves to be around her), has the most infectious laugh/giggle, and is thoroughly beautiful inside and out.  To her, I say, you have more courage than anyone I know, and you have overcome so many of the road blocks that life has tried to give you.  I'm so blessed to have you in my life.  I hope you get to feeling better soon.  Do you want to start with me tomorrow?  Let's kick some ass together.  This goes out to everyone, too.  Anyone want in?  Let's challenge and encourage each other each step of the way.  I've rec'd so many wonderful words from you guys, I'd love the opportunity to be there for you, too.  Just tell me what you need.

So, I tell you all, Happy Commitment Eve!  In my case, I'll be eating that brownie tonight, 'cause God help me, it'll be a while before I have another.

My eating & soda drinking have been out of control...I can feel it in my stomach, too.  I don't want to know how much I've put on.  I can't keep doing this to my body.  I know it's not good.  Up, down, up, down...but I never get down to where I want to be.  I'm fed up w/ myself.  Quite honestly, sick of myself and my false promises that I make to you and me.
Come Monday (wow...I wish I had a penny for every time I've said that) I'm getting my ass in gear.  I'm supposed to go to Vegas w/ friends next month, and I don't want to feel like this.  It's too late to lose any real amt of weight before the trip, but it's not too late to get my mood better.  I have anxieties about the trip, as usual.  I'll be the only fat one.  The fat one needs to be the "funny one," so I've gotta get my spirits up and wit back.  I don't even like to be with myself when I'm doing poorly, so I'm damn sure nobody else would want to be around me, either.

Anyway, enough of that.  I finished reading, The Help today.  Holy toledo, what a fantastic book!  I also took Cal to see a Dolphin's Tale today.  I highly recommend it.  Not only as a family movie, but for anyone.  The boys are now cleaning up, and winding down for the night.  Brian is at work, so I'll be on my own soon enough.  Hmmm....  Do I watch "Whitney" or do I kick back and watch Bridesmaids (bought the dvd today).  If I watch Bridesmaids, I'll have to throw back a couple of beers.  What a loser...possibly drinking 2 nights in a row.  I think it'd been a few weeks or so, since I'd last had a beer.  I know I don't have a problem, but I'm very aware of how often I drink.  With the blood running through my veins, it could get out of hand too quickly.  I made a decision at a fairly young age, that I wasn't going to let alcoholism define who I am, like so many I know...  Anyhow, I also know a couple of beers, while watching the movie, might lighten my mood...and help me sleep.  Yes, spoken like a true alcoholic.

Warning:  I've had 2 1/2 Coors Light!  Lord have mercy!  I never drink at home (honestly), but tonight I'm missing my friends.  I'm listening to some new music I downloaded, and I'm having myself a ball :)  It's nice just to tune out and turn my mind off every once in a while.  By the way, this playlist rocks, if I don't say so myself!

I don't have any great diet tips, as I've been sucking ass (well, not literally, never tossed a salad, never will) lately.  Besides my diet, today was nice, though.  Brian had the day off.  We went into Davenport, IA and saw Money Ball.  It was a good movie.  Then, we had lunch at Red Robin.  It was so nice to go to a "real" restaurant.  I actually really enjoy hanging out w/ my husband.  We don't get a lot of alone time, but when we do, there's nothing better.  We get along famously, when there's no stress involved.  I'm sure just like most other couples.  I really do love being with him.  I wish we could have a weekend together.  Ah, a girl can dream, can't she?

So, I got this text the other day from a longtime friend: "Have I told you lately that I love you?  I do!  And I miss you! :)"  When I'm feeling a bit down, or lonely I look at it.  It's just a reminder of what a power we have in being someone's friend.  We have the power to make their day better, and they can make us feel better.  I bring this up, as a reminder that being a good friend, is such an important job.  I hate to use the word, "job," to describe it, but really it is a responsiblity.  Take it seriously.  Drop a good friend a random text, email, or best yet, a card in the mail.  It goes a long way.  We can all use that from time to time.  For those of you reading this, you are my good friends, and I want you to know how much I value you.  The words from the text from my friend, go to you, too.  I hope you all are taking good care of yourselves.  Love ya.

Better go,

Today was pretty dang busy....busy driving from place to place, doing this errand and that errand.  The thing about living in BFE, is nothing is close.  I spent a fortune on gas today and pissed the day away.  Well, not pissed, but ate would be a more accurate statement.  On the plus side, I took Brian in/picked him up from work 3 times today...got to our insurance agency, got to a shared branch for our Credit Union (we will finally open a local acct here, this weekend...I hate to do it, since it confirms we will be here a while), picked Cal up from school, got the van tire fixed, picked Ryne up from football practice, drove the boys to another town to get their hair cut, and finally home again...oh, and I just picked Brian up for the final time today.  Crazy.  Such is life in the sticks!  I was on the run, and I ate on the run (in return, will probably end up w/ the runs), for the most part today.  And guess what...I feel sick, physically sick from all the crap I put in my body today.  Hmmmm...hopefully tomorrow I'll be closer to learning my lesson.  You know, the "lesson" that keeps you healthy and helps to keep one disease free.

How are you guys doing?  What's working for you right now?  I need some inspiratin

Okay, okay, okay....I started this thing, I need to get my head back in the game.  There have been a couple of things that have thrown me for a loop, but I'm trying to keep my head on straight and back to what matters, my health (emotionally and physically).  I wish I dealt with things better than I do...  If something throws me off, it all just kind of snowballs from there.  I can get into some pretty serious funks, but I've really been trying to fight this one.  I have had my boxing gloves on.  Even though I've been feeling so low, I've been forcing myself to do things to get me back on track.  I've been feeling so alone, but yet, I haven't wanted to talk to anyone.  How's that for fucked up?  So, I made myself call my bff last week.  We aren't phone ppl, but I did it, and it felt good.  Then, this weekend, even though we really would have to live like paupers all week, I had my fam and I go to the Cubs game.  I felt like we needed something really fun to happen, since I have exactly been the greatest source of all things fun lately.  We all enjoyed it, and I worked hard at trying to take in everything, from every moment w/ the boys, to appreciating my husband for the man he is, to enjoying Wrigley Field.  Ever since I can remember, I'd wanted to go to WF.  And yesterday, this was big for me....I went and sat next to a gal at Ryne's football practice.  I just went up introduced myself and started talking.  I've seen her around, and she seems like someone I would like.  We had a great chat, at a time, when I didn't want to talk to anyone.   I felt so good about making myself do it.  So, even though the darkness wants to roll in, I've trying to kick its ass.  Now, I know that eating better would really help, so I  need to at least pull my head out of my ass enough to see the produce.  My goal for tomorrow is to eat 2 heathy meals.  I've been doing smoothies most mornings, but everything else has been a fucking disaster.  So, tomorrow I will take a baby step in c