I really need to repeat this to myself. It strikes a chord, for sure.

I wish I could say that I’ve been kicking ass and taking names, but the truth is- I’ve hit a rougher patch, than I have through this whole process. I haven’t totally fallen off, but the motivation is waning and forced. It has been hard to talk about, because I’m not impressed with myself. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been up a couple pounds, and have now settled with just a one pound weight loss in 3 weeks. This has been a crazy journey, and one that I have not known how to talk about. I reached out to a friend last week, and I told her I wasn’t doing great with the diet and would write to her about it, but life was crazy and I was never able to write. She had a great suggestion, and told me to send her pics of everything I’m eating. It’s a great idea in theory, but I worry so much about being judged on my choices. Anyway, she called me that night, just as I was on my way to a class (more on that later), and I told her where I was going. I hadn’t told anyone I was doing it, because the thought of it all overwhelmed me. Without me saying how big it all was that I’ve been going through, she showed up at my work the next morning with lunch, a nice card, and a Lara Bar (I had given one to a co-worker the day before and explained to my friend that every time I give one away, it feels as though I’ve given away a kidney). I was really quite overwhelmed that she picked up on everything I was going through, without me ever talking it through. Friends like that are hard to find.

My diet has not been as strict lately. I have days of feeling great about my choices, to days where I know I made more bad choices than good. I have not been able to get in the swing of things, since my trip home. At first I was sure it was because I was reminded of all I’ve left behind, being out here, but now I’m unsure. It’s been too long. I shouldn’t still be this affected. I’m also back on the Diet Coke. I had gotten off of it long enough for it to get out of my system, but then I got back on. Frustrating. I usually don’t drink any on the weekends, but it’s a terrible work habit. It makes me feel gross, and I need to get a handle on it. I’m also struggling to hit my 10k steps every day. Every evening, I go home with the intent to walk Jesse. Most nights, I sit down and then lose my will. I don’t sit on a couch all night, watching t.v. or anything (for the most part anyway). I am busy around the house, but it’s not enough. Also, it’s not something that fills my soul. Having time to myself, just even to walk the dog, is critical to my better mental health. There are no excuses. The weather is actually perfect out here, these days.

Knowing all of this, I decided to force my own hand and join a weight loss competition in my town. I didn’t go into it, thinking I was going to win (weird for me-because I’m so competitive). I really just wanted to be around like-minded people and find my missing motivation. You weigh-in once a week, and workout twice. I guess you could describe it as a high intensity boot camp, but I didn’t know that going in. The first class was emotional for me in many ways. I felt good, pushing myself. I felt stupid doing so many modified versions of exercises and still getting my ass kicked. I felt my body (back and knee) saying are you fucking kidding me…we can’t handle this. It felt great to meet a couple of people who were so athletic and who treated me as an equal, even though I know I stuck out like a sore thumb. I know it’s a weight loss competition, but I believe most of the people are in there, because they take the class from this trainer. There isn’t much weight to be lost in that group. I need to go back and look, but I believe it’s for 3 months. I haven’t been able to walk right, after only two classes. My back is jacked up and my knee is unforgiving. Still, I’m hopeful my body will get used to it. In all honesty, I don’t think it will-but I will stick with it. I’m really hoping it helps turn my focus around.

The positive is: I’m still able to keep it together on the weekends. I try and fill most of my time activities that keep me moving. On Saturday, I hiked in the morning and then kayaked in the afternoon. There was a time when either one of those activities would lay me out, so doing both in one day-and being okay-was awesome. In all actuality, the kayaking was really big for me. A couple of years ago, I read an article about a woman who lost 100 pounds. She talked about finding a passion for kayaking. I was so impressed by her, and I remember thinking I was too fat to kayak. My goal was to be able to do it last summer, but that came and went. I had visions of immediately tipping the kayak as soon as I got in, and guess what? That didn’t happen. I was just like any other kayaker out there. I didn’t think of myself as the fat chick on the water. I just enjoyed the ride and spending time with my friend. Here’s the thing though….I probably could’ve kayaked two years ago, when I told myself I was too fat. Don’t get me wrong. I was pretty fucking heavy, and I still am, but I still could’ve done it. I let me weight stop me from a lot of things. Don’t let that happen to you. Be stronger than me. Be more confident and sure of yourself than I am. You miss out on too much of life, waiting for the circumstance to be just right.

As you can tell, I’ve been pretty hard on myself, as I’m really in my first real cross-roads during this weight loss. In saying all of this, I think of the good things about where I am every single day. A few weeks ago, the owner of the company I work for was in town, and he stopped by my desk and asked if I could give a speech to the company about my weight loss, etc. I know he really doesn’t want me to do it, but he was acknowledging my loss in his way. It really meant a lot to me, that he saw me as some sort of inspiration. I think about finally hiking over 7 miles (7.5) a week and a half ago. I’d wanted to do that for a while. I think of being past the last loop on a belt I bought after I’d already lost some weight, and how I barely used to make to that first loop. Yesterday a great friend from WA, that I haven’t spoken with in a while, sent me a snapchat video showing me that she was about to emotional eat and telling me her story. I was so moved that she reached out to me, including what was leading her to eat that piece of cake. I couldn’t figure out how to video her back, so I had to ask Ryne (I really don’t understand the snapchat) how to reply with a video. I looked at myself in the phone and didn’t cringe. Trust me…I’ve always been a cringer, even at good weight. I sent her messages back and forth. Now, I’ve never even done a face time with anyone on my phone or computer. That’s how deep my insecurities run…. But at 45 years old, with still weight to lose, I did it, and loved it. I will hold onto these things. I will hold onto the encouragement I’ve gotten from so many of you. Thanks for being here for me, in this journey-because it truly is a journey. One I hope to see through. I’ve got to get back to it.
Enjoy your hump day everyone. Oh, how I wish you could hear that guy yell it to me from across the shop every Wed. It makes my day.
~Jen

Happy Hump Day, all!  Finally, the downhill slide on what has proven to be quite the crazy week. Last week I was unable to do much for walking as I had twisted my knee while hiking the weekend before. I was actually pretty freaked out about it, as it is my knee surgery knee. It has been 8 years since the surgery, and it's never been quite right since.  Lately, though, it's been swollen more than ever. Tweaking it immediately sent my head into a tailspin thinking I needed surgery again, and every dark place it would take me.  I remained disciplined as far as not doing too much during the week, but when Saturday came around, I got my hike on. Sure....I should have eased into it, but nobody has ever accused me of being overly smart. My knee was quite swollen by the time I was done, and a busy day/night had me end at 22,000 steps. Anyway...a terrible hangover (Rod Stewart, Cyndi Lauper concert), and a knee the size of a melon, kept me grounded on Sunday. Here's the thing....hiking and walking have been my anti-anxiety med, and taking it away has been difficult for me. Going into Monday, I was dying to get back out there. I had some time after work and was bound and determined to go hiking after work (I know right-on a weekday!). Because I live so far from, you know, civilization, I decided not to drive all the way home and pick up Jesse. Instead, I stopped at a trail on my way home. I knew I'd be by myself, so I had planned on bringing my pepper spray, but couldn't find it that morning. I get up to the park, where there's rarely anyone, and there's a guy just sitting there in his car. I got a really bad vibe, even choosing to stretch on the passenger side of my car, so he couldn't watch. I was thrown off my game and should've just left, but I was bound and determined to hike. I got a quick start and knew the trail went off in two directions, hoping if he followed me, he'd be going the other way. I kept looking over my shoulder and after I got down a ways, realized in all the frenzy, I'd forgotten to put on bug spray. I wanted to turn back, but was too freaked out by that guy. It's gotten a bit cooler, so the bugs haven't been as bad, so I didn't panic. I get a half mile down or so, and see the guy driving down the hill (parts of the trail run parallel to the road). I was seriously thinking about turning around for the spray, when the guy turns around and goes back up. This really freaked me out, as I figured he saw me, as I was wearing a bright pink shirt. Now, I was really committed, but the bugs were now awful. After a while, I tried what I thought were a couple of short cuts (this trail is about 3 miles), but they just lead me to walking more. The bugs got so thick, I felt like I was going crazy, the buzzing in my ears, killing ten at a swat, blood dripping off my hand from killing mid bite. I was really nervous, because I was fairly certain I'd developed an allergy to bites this year. By the time I returned back to my car the creeper was gone (in all actuality, he was probably just a guy waiting for his g/f or something). I looked in the mirror and my nose was already very swollen, and an eye was half swollen shut. I drove right to the pharmacy to p/u Cortizone 10. When I undressed to shower, I found I was covered in a rash over half my chest, entire stomach, thighs, and waistline. I've never experienced anything like it. I was panicked but showered off using a natural soap and caked myself in the Cortizone. I then took a couple of Ativan to calm myself down. I was pleasantly surprised to get up the next morning and find that most of the swelling had gone down on my face and neck (at one point my eye was completely swollen shut). I got up showered again with the soap, caked myself again with Coztizone, took another Ativan and went back to sleep for another couple of hours before going into work late.  My calves were disfigured from the swelling and were very painful and hot to touch, along with my elbow areas. I called the Dr. and they suggested taking Benadryl, too, to help with the swelling (apparently Ibuprofen doesn't help that type of swelling). I was supposed to come in, if it didn't help within an hour. I did see a tiny sign it was working so opted not to go in. I took another Benadryl in the middle of the night, and when I woke up this morning most everything was much better, with the exception of one of my calves. It is still hot to touch and now has about 30 blisters. I'm no medical professional, but I'm guessing I have an infection. I'll repeat my processes again tonight, and if it's not better tomorrow-will go to Dr. I find the whole thing ironic...I went out searching for natural ways to deal with anxiety and took meds I hadn't taken in forever. Go figure. 

Writing the last blog really took a lot out of me. It made me think of a lot of things I choose not to dwell on, especially from the beginning of the process. I guess the takeaway from all of that is-there is no ideal time to start a weight loss journey. I wasn't mentally prepared to start it when I did. I wasn't mentally prepared for what life would bring me, but you know what....thank God I had started it. Thank God, I had made this commitment to myself. I shutter to think of all of the food I would have turned to (oh, and probably alcohol), if I hadn't just started. I am the weakest person I know, when it comes to food. I think about it non-stop, even now, although less. Please just take this away from my experience. If you've been thinking about starting...start tomorrow....whether you've done the grocery shopping yet or not, whether you have dinner plans in place already or what have you. You can control how many calories you put in your body. Trust me, your future self will thank you. I'm thankful every single day, that I'm on this journey-even in the toughest of tough times. 

I was down 2 pounds at my weigh-in today. That's certainly not overly impressive, especially given I was only down 2 the two weeks prior. I did get measured at that last weigh-in and was down 5 1/2" in 5 weeks. I was really happy with that. It just goes to show, that although the scale is pretty good indicator of what's going on, it's not always the only bench mark. Now, the two pounds over the last two weeks is a fairly good indicator of my lack of effort. I wasn't able to get many steps in during that time, I drank as much in a week, as I normally drink in a month, and mentally, I just wasn't there. Most of my food choices were decent, but the alcohol and lack of physical effort shows in only two pounds lost. I'll still take it-don't get me wrong. I just really know I could've done better. I've worked hard this week (no wine), and I've gone meatless this week. I feel better and am really glad for a body that already seems to be responding to the changes, well beside my swollen, blistered leg.

Once again, I wrote about nothing I planned to.... I wrote the 100 pounds, without notes, without much self editing, and without too much thought. I'm not overly proud of how it came out, but I am proud of getting it out. I guess the biggest issue I've had with losing 100 pounds, is the shame in ever letting myself get to a place where I needed to lose 100 pounds, and then some...I kept thinking about a friend of mine who weighs 100 pounds and thinking, "I've lost a whole Kelly." Today, I heard a Sheryl Crow interview and she said she weighs, 110 pounds...soon, I'll have lost a whole Sheryl Crow. While I'm super proud of what I've done and how I've done it....there within lies my struggle...the shame of ever getting that big...the shame of being as big as I am now. Hopefully one day I won't look at it that way. I pray, I'll be able to look at my stretch marks and loose skin and be thankful I'm not still stretching it all out. I'm getting better about my body image, even having worn shorts outside of the house (for hiking, to the park once to walk, and even while hiking with a friend). I never, ever would've done that before-no matter how bad the humidity. I also need to constantly remind myself, I can no longer find anything that fits me in the Plus size section. It's all heady stuff, but I'm getting there...a little at a time. Shame is an awful thing, that nobody should carry. Hopefully one day soon, I'll be comfortable in this new skin.

I'll leave you with a song by P!nk. I'm excited to see her again next month. I remember seeing this Grammy performance on live on t.v. and it instantly made me an uber fan. And yes, she's this good every time. If you haven't seen this, you must watch. There you are, sitting in the garden, clutching my coffee, calling me sugar, you called me sugar...  This is a brilliant song. Enjoy.

Love, Jen

I’ve been sitting on this blog for a short while. How do you write about losing 100 pounds? It’s all so overwhelming to me. It’s a number I’m not comfortable with. I think mostly, because I still have another 25 pounds to go. In the beginning, I was excited about the numbers. Brian has been extremely supportive this whole time, and I was always happy to tell him about my Wednesday weigh-ins. In recently months, when he asks how much I’ve lost, I just say, “a lot.” I have a friend I also quit telling. In my head, I don’t want her to always think of me as the fat person.  It’s all head fuck stuff, but it’s real, and that’s why it’s all so hard for me to write about. I can’t even say exactly how long it all took me. I know the highest weight I saw on a scale at a doctor’s office. I waited a long time to see over 100 lbs. less, dressed, in that same office again. I flipped our family calendar over today, and there’s a picture of me in Maui with my family last year. I know I’m about 85 pounds less than that (taken March or April of 2016-and I can really tell a difference with that pic), but I can’t remember if I gained weight after and that’s when I saw that weight, or if I had lost before (which I know I lost a little before that trip). I got serious about losing weight last summer and had taken some off, but by October, I was putting it back on again. That’s when I made myself go out of my comfort zone. I wasn’t able to be accountable to myself, so I started weekly weigh-ins with a weight loss coach. I don’t know how much I’ve taken away as far as knowledge about weight-loss, but I do know having to weigh in, in front of someone was a big deal for me. I hate the scale, so sharing my numbers with someone, was like unzipping my soul in front of her. In my weight, are my struggles.  Exposing oneself like that, was not an easy feat. Still, I did it, week after week, tears upon more tears, and dropping the f-bomb while on the scale, time after time. I weighed in for the first time on 10/8/16, and I’m 70 pounds down from that date. In that same time, I’m down 34.5” (if I figured it all right).

It has not been easy since October. I’ve experienced more pain in that time frame, than I even knew was possible. Still, I plug away at it, and I’m so grateful for all of the times I did not run to food, when I wanted to. It’s still a conscious decision-time after time. I’m so grateful that my body has begun to heal with the weight loss, and I’m able to push myself more and more. Hiking has become my church. I feel so close to everything when I’m out there, and my body rewards me for every step. I’m grateful for those who have and still do, hike with me, even though I’m slow as molasses. I’m thankful for those who have checked in with me on weigh-in days, or at random times to see how I’m doing or talk about how they’re doing in their journey. It’s funny, since talking about 100 pounds, is so difficult, because on the whole, I love talking about it. I can feel myself light up, every time someone asks, seemingly out of nowhere, how I did this. I’m happy to share my experience, and proud that I’m not sending anyone on some crazy diet type thing. I’m also blessed to be married to someone who remained attracted to me through it all, but I can tell you this, he’s way more handsy these days-ha. Really, it’s just eating smart and being active. I have no real rules. I’ve learned things about my body in limiting things, though: red meat doesn’t love me. Soda makes my skin gross (and I’m on the Diet Coke right now-and it’s noticeable), sugar is the devil. I would have never known these things, before I made changes and could actually give my body a chance to respond, in a way I could recognize. Yes, I still eat red meat (I even had a burger on Sat-but felt like shit afterward). I still struggle most with soda. I go off for weeks/months, and then it creeps back into my life. I wanted to eliminate it this week, but my period is kicking my ass, so I will wait a few days. Sugar is the trap door I work hardest to avoid. My taste buds have changed, and
I have really learned to appreciate natural sugars. I try to average 10,000 steps a day (I love my fitbit), and I love the energy this all gives me.

As I type, I’ve had tears, thinking of things, and I’ve smiled…knowing just how far I’ve come. I actually fit pretty good in my airline seat last month. I remember the time before when I’d flown, I’d promised myself I wouldn’t fly again, until I’d lost weight. I’m thrilled for the energy it gave me to be as active as I was in Alaska. I love that I’ve grown to dislike television (except My 600 LB life-that’s my crack), because I hate sitting still. I love that I got hit on at Wal-Mart yesterday, by a random stranger. (okay, maybe not so much hit on, but he was giving me the smile-if you know what I mean). In that moment, when I wanted to look around and see who he was smiling at, it reminded me of how far I’ve come…that I’m just another person now-not someone who felt unworthy of being looked at.

I don’t know if any of this has made sense, but I knew I needed to write, and I don’t know when the right time was going to be. I kept making excuses, but this blog has always been about honesty, and now you know.

Here’s to good health for us all.

Cheers,  (red wine is good for you ;)
Jen