I turned on the phone this morning to find this.  What a way to start the day! 

I've been wanting to write so badly lately, well, needing to write would probably be more accurate.  My head has been swimming with ideas and crazy thoughts as usual.   Life just gets so busy sometimes, that we can't seem to make ourselves stop and do things for ourselves.  For me, it's writing.  The problem with writing is, even though it might be something I'm craving and thinking about all of the time, actually getting it out there is a whole different situation.  Sometimes there's just too much stuff floating around up there, and it wouldn't make sense to anyone else-because I usually can't make sense of it myself.  Other times, it all feels too raw to talk about.  And others, while I might have a blog or change to the book completely written in my head, there just isn't any alone time to get it done.  Let me tell you something, it's awfully hard to write when there's a full house.  But here I am tonight...making the time before Brian gets home from work.  And speak of the devil, he just walked in the door.  Today, has been crazy busy as has every day lately.  Work, then I had to leave a little early for a meeting with the school for Caleb, then I took Cal to the park, while I walked Jesse.  It was cut short, though, as Ryne's football practice got out early, and I needed to pick him up.  From there, we had dinner, and then I went to H.S. open house.  Let me tell you my takeaway from the h.s.  All of the teachers I met seemed really great, but when I sat in the algebra orientation, I could not quit thinking about every single thing, other than what was going on in front of me.  Yep, even just sitting in front of a math teacher tunes me out.  It's a wonder I had math anxiety growing up.

I rec'd my final draft of the book from my editor today.  I've gone through and read any notes she had in the margins, but tomorrow I'll tackle it.  I'm ready for the next step, but that will cost money, and although we planned on buying a house next summer-it may happen now.  Sooo...that changes a lot of things.  Oh, yeah, and I have a vacation in 3 weeks.  Shit.  Not great timing for it all, but hopefully it all will happen for a reason.  Right?

Okay, Brian needs the computer for his fantasy football draft.  But at least I got a taste of what I've been wanting, although I really didn't have a point to anything.

I'll leave you with Hands Clean.  I heard it on my way to work tomorrow, and it took me back to a very specific time with a friend and something she went through.  We talked about this song a lot, years later.  But it's her story to tell, or keep to herself, as she has.  But this song is dead on.  Hope you like it.  You can't go wrong with Alanis!

Oh shit-almost forgot: 4 weeks, less than a pound lost.  My fault, and I'm disappointed with myself, but I was much less disappointed, when my period hit in the middle of the night that same night-1 week early.  So, I can live with it.

Oh, and I'm way old.  I asked a friend if she wanted to see No Doubt with me, and she asked "Who is No Doubt."  wtf?!  God, I'm old.
~Jen

"Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family
We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse
I wish I could tell the world 'cause you're such a pretty thing when you're done up properly
I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm body"

It's now been three weeks since I started actually weighing myself.  Yeah, I still hate the scale.  I guess it's because it's been so long since I've seen a drop that I'm happy with.  But....that's on me.  There are a lot of great things that have happened lately, though.  It has been three weeks since I quit eating meat again, 3 weeks since I've had a regular soda and hardly any Diet soda in past couple of weeks.  And this week, I finally hit my 10,000 steps on my Fitbit.  Since going back to work in December at a desk job, I've been super sedentary.  But I hit 10,000 steps 5 days out of the past week.  Not only am I getting back into the swing of things, but my dog is too.  We even went on a hike on Sunday!  Of course we were with a friend of mine (who does cross-fit, etc) and her dog.  God Bless her, though, she didn't make me feel like I was slowing her down or anything.  What a great sport.  I loved it and it made me feel alive.  I can't wait to do it again.  Anyway, I know getting 10,000 steps in isn't a big deal to a lot of people, but let me tell you something...when you have 100+ pounds to lose, it's a good start.  That kind of weight is very hard on all of your joints.  On the second day, I woke up in the middle of the night to a horrible pain in my bad knee, and when I moved and my knee popped, it was one of the worst pains I've ever felt.  But...I got my steps in the next day, too.  A couple of days later I had an appointment with a specialist for a test (they called it a procedure, but really more like a test), and let me tell you something.  It hurt like a mother fucker....Ugh.  After I could barely move my arm.  I felt like Jeff the Drunk. If you got that reference, that means you're a Howard Stern fan-and I love you.  Ha.  Anyway, arm hanging in pain, I got out there with Jesse that night and got my steps in.  So, despite only a 1 pound loss this week, I'm mother fucking proud of myself.  It's my fault it's only one pound.  Despite all I did right, I ate too much.  Lots of anxiety this past week, and I still need to deal with it better and I will.  Plus...this time around, it's much harder than it's ever been in my life.  Maybe it's because I'm old... Boo.  Anyway, I'm going to keep on keeping on, and next week will be better.  5 weeks to the 5k.

I would like to ask you to continue praying for my friend Sarah.  It's now been about a month since her brain aneurism, and while there have been some good signs, she has a lot stacked against her and a very long road ahead of her.  Please remember her when you pray.  She's a wonderful woman, and life really can deal some crappy cards sometimes.  She and her family don't deserve this.

I've got to run and pick Ryne up from football practice, so I'd better get running.  But here's to a great week for all of us.

Much Love,

Jen

It’s now been two weeks since I finally started to get my shit in order.  It shouldn’t have taken so long, but it did, and although I’m disgusted on it all getting to this point-I’m trying not to dwell on it.  I have a lot of good to think about.  It has been two weeks since I quit eating meat again.  It has been two weeks since I had a regular soda and a week without any soda (O.K. I had one last week), and let me tell you this: this is huge for me.  Soda is my gateway drug!  I still crave it often, including right this moment.  But I think about how good I feel now that I quit drinking it.  I lost 2.2 lbs this week.  Not a huge number at all, down 4.4 in two weeks.  But truly my diet was so bad that I would’ve surely gained at least that much during this time.  In total, I’m down 12 pounds from a Dr’s appointment six weeks ago.  I have to feel good about that.  I keep telling myself that, because I know I’m capable of much bigger losses than this. But this is forever, and I’m taking big steps that in the long run are huge.  So, I celebrate my 2.2 pounds last week and vow to do better this week.  6 weeks to our Vegas trip and the 5k.  6 weeks…  I’ve got some work to do, folks.

Yesterday I gave my final draft of the book to my editor.  It’s now hers for 3 weeks.  I can’t exactly call it the final-final draft, because I’ll have to go through her notes and changes as she adds more descriptive phrases for me.  But for all intents and purposes, the book is done in my mind.  I’ve added chapters and paragraphs and sentences…to parts where I thought things were missing.  I feel really fucking good about it.  I even added the word: penis-cillan to it.  My editor may go, “What the fuck?!”, but for now, it’s there.  I was out with friends on Friday night and someone told a story of her fiancé telling her he could make her feel better with a shot of penis-cillan.  All night, they kept telling me I needed to add that to my blog.  So here it is…  It does crack me up.  Almost as much as the fact that he used the term while trying to get road head.  Ah, kids in their late twenties and early thirties.  LOL. 

Life and the kids continue to keep us super busy-oh, and Brian’s job…  Ryne started two a days for football today.  I’m sure his ass is thoroughly kicked at this point.  He started at 7 this morning.  School starts for both of them next week, so Cal will return to swim team.  Neither of them are happy about going back to school, but they are at least excited for their sports.  I’m looking forward to watching Ryne play football, too.  For me, it’s always the most fun sport to watch.

Well, lunch is over, so I should get back to work.  Hope your day is treating you well.

Oh, and I’ve added the lyric video to Simple Kind of Life.  I’ve always loved this song, and it would always make me sad when we were trying so long to get pregnant and couldn’t.  But as the years pass, the song takes on new meaning.  I watched this, as I was trying to figure out if the song title was right for a new chapter I wrote this weekend.  As always, Gwen doesn’t disappoint.  Even if you know the songs, take a listen again.

~Jen

Man alive. Yesterday took it all out of me.  I had an appointment after work, which was pretty stressful.  It was one of those days that you just want to keep on driving and driving and driving and find yourself in Nashville or something at some dive bar, listening to some unknown great talent, while drinking an ice cold beer all by your lonesome.  Oh, you never feel that way?  Maybe it’s just me.  But it was one of those days. It’s bled into today, and I am just beat.  I just want to crawl into bed as soon as I get home from work, but there’s that adult/parenting stuff that gets in the way.  Caleb was pretty bummed last night that I didn’t take him to the park as was the dog.  So, I can’t be that asshole parent again tonight.  It’s good…they keep me honest.  I’ll get much more out of a walk, than I will out of hiding from the world under my covers.

It’s not all doom and gloom, though.  Well, hardly anything is doom and gloom, it’s just a couple of those days that aren’t my favorite.  But, I am excited that my friends have bought their airline tickets to Vegas yesterday and today.  Those texts make me smile.  I guess I should get on that!  Just thinking about a trip, makes me happy.  I wish it were this weekend, but having it  several weeks away will help me fit into that fucking airline seat.  See, looking on the bright side J

On my way home back from the appointment last night I heard an ’04 Alanis interview with Howard Stern.  I heard it back and the day and remember thinking it was pure magic then.  Oh, how I love her.  Not in the same way I love Gwen Stefani-who is now single-one step closer to that marriage, but I love Alanis’ songwriting so much.  Plus, she’s fantastic live.  I saw her once on just an acoustic set, and I was worried I’d be bored to tears (back before I became refined…and could enjoy that stuff), and it was fantastic! I also saw her w/ a regular show and she was equally as good.  The Barenaked Ladies opened for her, and they were the bomb.  It was the last show of the tour and they came out during her last song, all wearing womens thong underwear with their junk hanging out.  It was awesome.  The interview was done at the time Everything had just come out and there was all of this hubbub about the word Asshole in the song.  My God FCC…really…that’s our tax dollars at work?  Anyway, she sang, “Assbowl” during the part, and I so loved it.  I think it’s my new favorite word.  Back in ’04 it probably was, too, but who can remember so far back?  But anyway, I’ll add the video for you.  This is one of my all-time favorite songs.  Here’s hoping that you have the kind of love she sings about in this song.  Oh, the song was written back when her and Ryan Reynolds were together, but in my head she’s still with him.  You never want that kind of love to end.

~Jen

I made some significant changes to my diet last week.  I gave up meat again (except seafood and eggs), and I gave up my beloved regular soda.  Most days last week I just had one 20 oz. Diet Coke, but on a couple of days I had more.  It was my way of weaning myself off of soda altogether.  And here I am, on my second day of being totally soda free.  Today has been much harder than yesterday.  Man, it’s a true addiction…  But, I’m doing it.  It’s been so long since I’ve put together any stretch of having any awareness of what I’m putting into my body, so I’m really proud of this past week.  I’m glad that my head seems to be halfway out of my fat ass and looking toward good healthy.  I did a lot of things “wrong” last week (a couple of nights of heavy partying) and a day on the road and at the ballpark led to eating lots of bad stuff.  But for once in my life, I’m focusing on the good from the week.  I lost 2 pounds last week.  Normally, after I’ve made changes or have gone on a “diet” or what have you, I would beat the shit out of myself for only losing two pounds the first week.  (At this weight, I’m capable of way, way more).  But you know what, I’m pretty fucking happy with it.  I also started walking Jesse more.  We started at a mile (that’s all she could do), and then last night we got in 1 2/3 miles.  Did I think I’d start off walking 3 miles at a time? Fuck yeah I did.  But I’ve gotten out there, and I’m (and my poor fat dog) getting better.  I’ve got just 6 ½ weeks to the 5k in Vegas.  I’ll be ready.

Life has continued to be crazy busy, but I like this craziness much better than being at the ballpark every night.  Last night, after work, I went to the pharmacy, then the store, made dinner, worked on the book for an hour and a half, then took Cal to the park (he does obstacle courses on the playground) while I walked Jesse, and then I worked on the book another hour.  What a difference my life makes when we aren’t in season.  I’ve got to hand the book back over to my editor on the 10th, so I’m going to have pretty full evenings until then.  That’s what I get for over indulging this weekend…but it was worth it!  Friday night, I went out for “a drink” with a co-worker, and ended up hanging out with her friend well after she left.  We had a great time, and I still managed to get home fairly early-early enough to walk Jesse and take Cal to the park anyway-oh, and drop Ryne off for a sleepover.  That kid is never home.  Saturday my cousin Jouni came to town to celebrate her birthday.  We had a really nice day and then went on a riverboat for dinner and karaoke.  What a blast!  Sunday we went into Chicago to the White Sox game.  I love an excuse to hate on the Yankees.  It was a long day, but there was still time for the book after we got home.  I think I need to take this week off to recover from my weekend.  If only…right?  I’m sure everyone feels that way every week.

Well, lunch is winding down, so I should get back to the thing that pays the bills.  Here’s hoping you’re finding yourself happy with your journey and purpose in this life.  Life is about enjoying now..not waiting for tomorrow…waiting for someone to love us more…waiting for that dream job…and all of that kind of crap.  We have right now.  Let’s make the most of it.  Here’s to 2 pounds ;0

Oh, and I’ll leave you with the video for Run.  (I’ll have to watch it, too).  I’ve heard the song a million times, and I like the little story in my head.  This song has been out for several years, but for some reason I’ve heard it both mornings this week, on the radio, while driving into work.  How can you go wrong with a song with these lyrics:

I'm amazing

When you're beside me
I am so much more

And I feel your fingers
Pound like thunder
And I am so much more

You’re welcome J

~Jen