Sometimes when there’s just way too much to do, it’s good to just take a step back from it all…which is what I’m doing.  One would think their last week of work would be more of a winding down, considering I gave them 1 months’ notice.  But no…it’s a mad dash, just days before I leave to find an internal
replacement. You know what?  They are now going heavily after the only person I mentioned the day I gave my notice as a viable replacement.  This is after they put 5 different (internal) people through three rounds of interviewing.  It’s a smaller place of business, so now those candidates see what’s going on with the other person, and are going WTF?!  We, of course, haven’t spoken to them, yet.  The way we choose to do things here is just borderline ridiculous sometimes.  It’s also exceptionally maddening in that we are apparently willing to pay whatever and break up duties to get someone in my position.  Funny, how none of that was there when it was me doing it all.  I’m also getting bombarded with requests from every department for me to do things before I leave, when they should be going to the 4, yes 4, different people they are having me train on different aspect of my job.  I’m going to be glad to be out of here….just 3 ½ days!

So, as I mentioned before my unplanned tirade, I’m taking a few minutes to escape by doing this blog. We are just days away from the move, but we really are unprepared.  We still have a ton of packing to do, etc.  Brian seems to be in his own little world of “it’s all going to be fine.” Hmmm….  I wonder how everything always ends up being fine?  While he’s a Hooters tonight (for real), I’ll be packing, and hosting Ryne’s going away party.  Good times.  That’s not really a fair representation of his contributions, but I am stressed…very stressed.

Caleb was very excited about having a going away party.  He had me invite his baseball team, and then he invited 6-8 kids from the day camp he goes to. 
Sunday (day of party) came around and we had only heard back from one
person, whose son was going to be out of town.  We hadn’t rec’d one RSVP. 
Caleb was going crazy all day.  He would break into fits of panic and crying, while I told him, most people don’t seem to RSVP anymore.  The party start time came about, and there were no kids….  It was one of the most upsetting things I’ve ever witnessed; Caleb was beyond inconsolable, stating nobody likes him, etc.  Usually I can calm him down, but he was ½ an hour into it, when someone pulled up.  A brother of one of the kids from Cal’s ball team showed up.  He said he figured the invite was for him, as he knew Cal from school. Thank God.  And I do mean it: thank God!  Caleb and his little buddy had a blast.  I’m bothered by people’s lack of courtesy, though…..All those people and nobody bothered to get in touch with us.  Email, phone, text…kinda easy these days.

As mentioned earlier, Ryne’s party is tonight.  Dear God… I think he’s
having like 10 boys over or something like that.  It’ll be chaos, but a good chaos.  The boys are a good group of kids.  I’m just hoping nothing within the
house gets destroyed this close to our moving.  I’d like to see my deposit again 
 :)  The boys are again getting upset about the move.  We’ve seen lots of tears again.  I don’t blame them.  It’s hard. It’s hard for me and Brian, too. I honestly don’t know that we are doing the right thing….  I just keep thinking it would be harder to move them in another year or two, than it is now.  I just wish I had a better feeling about the whole thing.  It’s weird to think that we will be in Vancouver next week.  It seems like it’s a lifetime away, with all that’s going to transpire between now and then.  I haven’t even gotten a hold of any friends to let them know we’re going to be there.  I just feel so distant from it all.  Hopefully I’ll snap out of it, once I’ve stepped away from this job and gotten back to the West Coast.

I know this blog hasn’t been very uplifting.  Sorry for that.  I know things will be better…better soon.  It’s just being in this moment right now that’s hard.

Wishing you a good day,

Jen


 

This week=stress. This week completely kicked my ass: from top to bottom. 
And as we all know, that's a helluva lot of ground to cover.  The week continued with Brian wanting to stay here, as things just didn't seem to be lining up.  I hadn't told him this, but I'd decided f it!  If we have to live in a hotel for a month (so not ideal w/ 2 kids and a dog), until we get a place, so be it.  I've known that he really wants to be out there, but it all has been a little much for him.  Last I wrote, we finally had a house!  That great feeling lasted all of 2 days.  On Monday, she emailed me, stating that she didn't think she'd have time to move out before we got out there, so she decided to rent to someone else.  This...after we had a verbal commitment (to me, my word means
everything), and I'd sent in the lease agreement.  I was completely and utterly devastated.  So, I again spoke with the woman about the acreage, and it sounded like we were getting the house.  She promised to send scan me the app.  I didn't receive it, and my calls went unreturned.  It wasn't until 2 days later that she said she was sorry for not sending it, but they rented it out.  We
also had another house, that sounded good.  I spoke to the guy at length, and I got the app right in, only to find out the next day that someone had secured it with a deposit. Really?  Tell me you want the deposit now, and I'll overnight it. 
During all of this, the lady from the original house emailed me again
apologizing for renting it to someone else, but wanted to let me know that she
found out the renter had 3 cats.  So, she wasn't going to rent to her after all... 
It was ours if we wanted it, but she had also "been told by several realtors" she should be getting more for the house.  So...if we wanted it, it would be another $100 a month.  I wanted to tell the bitch to stick it, but I knew I needed a backup plan. Well, thank goodness for a backup plan...I guess...  We had to
take the house, as nothing else was available.  I still don't have the warmest feeling, but my rent has already been sent off via priority mail.  So, I need to let go of the resentment of how it came to be and the cost, and just feel lucky that we have a place.   I also booked the moving truck on Friday.  Let me tell you...it was one expensive day!  At least things seem to be falling into place a bit.

I'm so glad to have the house finalized and moving truck situated (it will be here in 4 days), but now the panic of the actual move is taking over.  We still have so much packing to do.  We had a garage sale yesterday, but it was a total bust.  We made around $40, so we probably actually lost money, after buying the signs, price tags, and the drinks for Caleb's drink stand.  Most importantly it was a bust in that we lost of a day of packing.  Today is going to be a mad dash to get things done. I've been up since 3:30, so I know I'll lose some time to a nap at some point.  I did get a fair amount of cleaning done this morning, though.  It's now 5:20, so it's starting to get a little daylight out, so I can get Jesse on her walk, too.

Although this week has been a great big ball of stress, I'm so thankful
for people who have been there through it all.  H.P. has been a lifesaver through this whole process.  It can't be super fun to listen to me stress out all of the time.  Also, in the middle of the week, my friend K provided me with exactly what I needed...reassurance.  I've never had anyone in my life that can calm me down the way K can.  After work, we went over to their house, and just had a beer while eating straight from their garden.  It was probably one of the most
relaxing 45 mins of my life, right in the middle of the week from hell.  Friday night was my going away party for work (I won't be able to do it this Fri, my last actual day of work).  It was so cool that everyone came out.  I drank entirely too much and got began to feel emotional by some very nice words that one of my work friends told me.  I decided it was time for me to go, as I hate being drunk, and I also didn't want the night ruined by me getting all sad. (Oh, and I had a DD lined up.  I left my car at home that morning :)   I have really met some great people out here.  Oh, and there was even cake (ah, cake).  My former boss, had called the bar to let them know there was going to be a party for me, and the bar bought me a cake.  Uh yeah, the BAR BOUGHT ME A CAKE.  Dear God...  I don't want to read too much into this.  lol

So, got MILF?  The other day at work, my good friend Lynn, another coworker and I were chatting and the term "cougar" came up. I declared that I'm a cougar, in jest, of course.  The coworker insisted that you can only be a cougar if you cheat on your spouse.  Lynn and I disputed that, and then it was followed up with internet research, etc.  Lynn, then declared that she would rather be a cougar than a MILF.  She said, that's what her kids friends refer to her as, and she finds that horrifying.  I was like what?!  I'd love to be a MILF.  That's a huge compliment.  Oh, and she talked about now how she's referred to as a GILF now, since she now has a young grandson.  LMAO. During the conversation, we decided my new nickname should be, Cougar MILF.  It may be my favorite nickname ever!  The next morning Lynn text me to wish
me a great day, and referred to me by my new nickname.  Love it. So, the next time we talk, please refer to me as, Cougar MILF.  Do you think it'd be too much if I made my kids start calling me that, too, instead of "Mom?"

Anyway, I hope you all have a fantastic Sunday.  It's a great day to be alive.

Love, Jen

Oh, my new favorite song is, Counting Stars by One Republic.  I've never been attracted to the lead singer, but there's something about the way he dances in that video.  Love it.


Lately,
I've been, I've been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could
be
But baby, I've been, I've been praying hard,
Said no more counting
dollars
We'll be counting stars, yeah we'll be counting stars

I see
this life like a swinging vine
Swing my heart across the line
In my face
is flashing signs
Seek it out and ye shall find
Oh, but I'm not that
old
Young, but I'm not that bold
I don't think the world is sold
I'm
just doing what we're told
I feel something so right
Doing the wrong
thing
I feel something so wrong
Doing the right thing
I couldn't
lie, couldn't lie, couldn't lie
Everything that kills me makes me feel
alive

Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep
Dreaming about the
things that we could be
But baby, I've been, I've been praying hard,

  Said no more counting dollars
We'll be counting stars

Lately, I've
been, I've been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be

  But baby, I've been, I've been praying hard,
Said no more counting
dollars
We'll be, we'll be counting stars

I feel your love and I
feel it burn
Down this river, every turn
Hope is a four-letter word

  Make that money, watch it burn
Oh, but I'm not that old
Young, but I'm
not that bold
I don't think the world is sold
I'm just doing what we're
told
I feel something so wrong
Doing the right thing
I couldn't lie,
couldn't lie, couldn't lie
Everything that drowns me makes me wanna
fly

Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep
Dreaming about the
things that we could be
But baby, I've been, I've been praying hard,

  Said no more counting dollars
We'll be counting stars

Lately, I've
been, I've been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be

  But baby, I've been, I've been praying hard,
Said no more counting
dollars
We'll be, we'll be counting stars

Take that money
Watch
it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons are learnt

Take that
money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons are learnt


  Take that money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons are
learnt

Take that money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The
lessons are learnt

Everything that kills me... makes feel alive


  Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we
could be
But baby, I've been, I've been praying hard,
Said no more
counting dollars
We'll be counting stars

Lately, I've been, I've
been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby,
I've been, I've been praying hard,
Said no more counting dollars
We'll
be, we'll be, counting stars

Take that money
Watch it burn
Sink
in the river
The lessons are learnt

Take that money
Watch it
burn
Sink in the river
The lessons are learnt

Take that
money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons are learnt


  Take that money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons are
learnt

My sleeping issues continue to be disastrous.  I woke up around 2 and laid in bed until 3 or so.  I finally just got up and decided to take some aspirin and eat
something.  I hear Ryne and his 2 buddies in the basement. Ryne comes up and is worried that they woke me.  I let him know that it's 3 and he appears shocked but wide awake.  I finally go back to sleep around 4 and then woke up for good at 6.  I had plans on doing some computer work downstairs, so Jesse and I head on down to: one kid on the sofa, one on a chair and Ryne in the middle of them on the floor all curled up under a SpongeBob blanket.  Oh man, my description isn't doing it justice, but it is a real crack up. I wanted to take a picture, but I thought it might be a little creepy if one of the boys woke up to me taking a picture of him.  I would go in Ryne's room and work on this, but well his room smells of a 12 year old boy. I never knew that smell until I had one. So, I'm typing away in my bed, next to a sleeping Brian.

It's funny how my sleeping issues were at first caused by work and now that I've given my notice, I can't sleep due to this move.  This move... You know how
you know something just feels right and natural, and you just have that warm
feeling surrounding it? This move is complete opposite of that. It just seems as nothing is falling it to place like it should.  At every move, we find challenges. 
I guess it all started with how long it took for them to actually give Brian the job. We know they wanted him from the beginning, but there were so many unreturned calls, emails, etc.  Brian was getting really pissed, and I don't blame him. The process took way too long, and then when we finally found out we didn't have much time to make this move happen. As it stands, Brian still hasn't rec'd the letter that tells us what they're paying for in the move.  He has an initial email, so he thinks he knows (should be everything), but again there's no certainty in anything.  We know we have to pay for the move and then we'll get reimbursed (which is tough, since the move is soooo expensive).  Then there's been the issue with finding the house. I guess it wouldn't be too hard if we were fine with living right next to the college with all the students (and our kids would never be able to sleep), but of course that's not what we are looking for.  There is so much demand for housing.  I'd say 80% of the inquiries I've made (phone, email) haven't been returned.  We finally really found something we'd love, and the gal was getting back to me, albeit very slowly.  I told her we wanted it, but then I didn't hear back.  I was so frustrated.  I couldn't understand.  It's on 1 1/3 acres and the home is plenty big enough.  It has a fireplace and a hot tub.  It's $100 more than we wanted to spend, but we figured it was worth it. Oh, and it's near the preferred elementary school for Cal.  So damn frustrating.  So yesterday, after working all morning on trying to get a hold of people again on housing, it got the best of me.  I was so stressed.  How can you plan a move in 2 weeks, when you don't have a place to live?  So, for the umpteenth time, Brian suggested we just say screw it and stay here.  I told him, that's probably a good idea.  I was so upset.  I was fighting back tears for a good portion of the morning.  Then, when we were in our car to take the boys to the local festival, I got a call from a woman I'd been in touch with about a different house. She gave me information I was wanting to hear and looking for.  We told her we wanted the house.  She got back to us later, stating she had others that wanted it (as we knew there would be), but she wanted to rent to us.  Yay. A house.  It's not in the location we were hoping for, but it's a nice house in a residential neighborhood (there will still be college kids I'm sure, as 58% of the population of the town is just that).

After we took the boys to the festival (which is how we ended up w/ 2 of Ryne's buddies staying here), we came back home and fed everyone.  Then Brian and I went back down to listen to some live music and have some beers.  Oh beer, in the sun, oh how you waste me!  haha.  We had a really nice time.  It was one of those nights when you just look at the person you're married to and feel entirely grateful to be his wife.  Anyway, we did talk about the move, but it didn't consume the evening.  Thank God for beer.  But once we got home, he again suggested that we stay.  It's hard....  I know the move would be great in that we'd be closer to family and friends, but nothing about it has felt right.  So, at this moment I can't say for sure what we are going to do.... Another year out here would be the smart thing to do, but what if there isn't opportunity to move then?  This is the first one that Brian has taken seriously since we got out here over 2 years ago.  Oh, and guess what....in my drunken state last night, I get a late email from the lady about the house on the acreage that we want....  I've already verbally committed to the other gal.  Shit.  Plus, it's $100 more a month.  Fuck this adulthood shit.

I know there's big news surrounding the Treyvon Martin case, but that's not what this blog is about. So, I won't talk about it.  But, I will mention that I saw the guy from Glee died. How sad...  Addiction sucks...  It left me thinking of my person this morning.  I know how much she loves that show.  She and so many will definitely be saddened.

Well, I've bitched and cried (not literally) enough this morning about this move.  It's consuming me, as things like this tend to do.  I
  just hope today brings us more clarity.


Happy Sunday to you all!


Jen

The move….do I have the move scheduled, yet?  No.  Do we have a place to live, yet?  No.  Ugh… Too much for this little brain of mine to handle.  Things will fall into place, but for now, it’s a terrible space.  I just can’t wait for the move to be
over.  I can tell you that I’m looking forward to visiting Vancouver, though.  It’s a light at the end of the
tunnel.  I’m excited for the boys to see Brian’s family, and Brian to see his family, for that matter.  I’m really looking forward to seeing the Columbia River and seeing my good friends. It’s been too long.  So, I just keep trying to keep my eye on the prize: the Pacific Northwest.

While we are still here, we are trying to take in as much of the Midwest as possible.  I’m not sure if I mentioned that we went to Miller Park in Milwaukee last Sunday to see the Mets vs. Brewers.  The boys sure got a kick out of going to Milwaukee.  A vendor gave me tix to last nights Cubs game, so I took a couple of coworkers and my friend Laura.  The Cubs were playing their big rival, the Cardinals, and my coworkers are big Cards fans, so there was plenty of ribbing.  And what do you know?  The Cubs actually won!  It was a really
great game.  Laura was the D.D., so I got my drink on.  Holy moly…am I
paying for it this morning.  We had an absolute blast, though.  Traffic was terrible going into Chicago, so what should’ve been an hour and a half was
over 3 hours.  We didn’t even have music on.  We just had great conversation.  I would’ve never thought that I could be in a car like that, without music.  What a fantastic time.

It’s now been 3 days since I had my mammo, and I haven’t received a call from the Dr.  Whoo hoo!  I’m thinking this means I’m out of the woods.  This is the first time in over 2 years (with mammo’s at least every 6 months) that I haven’t gotten that call for them to check something out. What a relief.  This mammo
has sure brought back a lot of memories from the biopsy, though.  Wow, what a heavy event in my life.  My mind was positively swimming.  I wish I could say, that I’ve taken all of those things I thought about the first time around, and made changes to my diet and exercise regiment to combat my fears. But alas…8 months later:  I treat my body even worse than I did before.  I keep coming up with excuses as to when to start, but of course shit the bed, and don’t do it.  It’s so simple….  Of course, right now my excuse is with all of the stress of the move, I can’t possibly maintain a clean diet.  In reality of course, it would make everything so much better, if I did pull my head out of my fat fucking ass.  A healthy diet equals a healthy mind.  I have got to do this….

So, the photo today has probably taken you by surprise given my struggles and how I broadcast them with my loud mouth over this blog.  A friend of mine either “liked” or posted this to facebook.  I was so pissed when I saw it on the feed, I immediately had some hateful thoughts.  But I get it…people who take care of themselves, might not be able to relate to what it means to be obese and all that goes with it.  I hate this…  I should do something about it.  I will do something about it.  But I will tell you I hate this picture.  I truly hate it.  I don’t use that word often.  But to me, it’s a direct insult and find it very hurtful. 
Anyway, you may see this and think yeah, duh!, it makes sense. And to be honest, on the most basic level, it makes sense to me, too.  But on the level where I have the biggest struggle of my life…I don’t get this statement. It’s so
complicated.

My Mom does a radio show every 2 weeks.  I’m able to listen to it online, and it’s just such a wonderful feeling to hear her. Anyway, on her last shift, she played 80’s Ladies by K.T. Oslin.  I adore this song.  This song always makes me think of my friends from Wrangell.  It’s not like we have the same stories as the ladies in this song, but it’s just that bond that is captured, that I love.  Anyway, I hope you like it.

Hope you have a wonderful Friday!

Much Love,

Jen

We
were three little girls from school.
One was pretty, one was smart
And
one was a borderline fool.
Well she's still good lookin'
That woman
hadn't slipped a bit.
The smart one used her head
She made her
fortune.
And me, I cross the border every chance I get.

We were the
girls of the 50's.
Stoned rock and rollers in the 60's.
And more than
our names got changed
As the 70's slipped on by.
Now we're 80's
ladies.
There ain't been much these ladies ain't tried.

We've been
educated.
We got liberated.
And had complicating matters with men.

  Oh, we've said "I do"
And we've signed "I don't"
And we've sworn we'd
never do that again.
Oh, we burned our bras,
And we burned our
dinners
And we burned our candles at both ends.
And we've had some
children
Who look just like the way we did back then.

Oh, but we're
all grown up now.
All grown up,
But none of us could tell you quite
how.

We were the girls of the 50's.
Stoned rock and rollers in the
60's.
Hunny, more than our names got changed,
As the 70's slipped on
by.
Now we're 80's ladies.
There ain't been much these ladies ain't
tried.

A- my name is Alice.
I'm gonna marry Artie.
We're gonna
sell apples
And live in Arkansas.

B- my name is Betty.
I'm gonna
marry Bobby.
We're gonna sell beans
And live in Brazil.

C- my
name is Connie.
I'm gonna marry Charlie.
We're gonna sell cars
And
live in California.

Short timers?  No, not me!  Well, okay, you caught me.  I’m at work, and I’m doing this blog.  But hey, I’ve put in a lot of an honest day’s work, went to Chinese with 2 coworkers (btw, we now have a fortune cookie competition going until I’m gone), and I leave in an hour for a mammogram.  Sounds like a good day’s work to me ;)  It’s funny…I’m leaving just as my job is becoming more manageable.  But I do know the fact that I’m leaving allows me to sweat the big stuff a lot less than before.  I’ve felt so beaten down in my position, for so long, it’s really nice to see the genuine concern about my leaving.  Today
they talked to me about the possibility of a contract position for a bit after
I’m gone.  I’ve heard some great words of praise, and it’s helping with my complete lack of confidence as far as being a professional is concerned.  I only wish things could have been this positive long ago.

I’ve got to tell you, I really do love our dog, Jesse.  She is the sweetest thing. 
As far as being puppyish, she isn’t completely crazed.  She rarely barks, and now just sits there with her tail a thumping while she waits for me to put the leash on her.  I don’t think she’d ever been on a leash, before we got her. 
She’s come a long way.  So far, in fact, I let Cal hold the leash sometimes. 
Last week, Cal and I took Jesse out for an early morning stroll.  We were at the very end of our walk, when Jesse broke free of the leash and killed a bird in our neighbor’s yard.  I’ve never been so horrified in my life.  I was completely
freaking out.  Once Cal figured out, he wasn’t to blame for letting her get away; he was completely fine with it all…  Autism or a boy thing?  Who knows? It still haunts me.  We’ve also found a dead bird in our back yard, and I doubt it died of natural causes.  So, she’s a hunter.  I guess she is a beagle/lab mix.  Anyway, she’s also still a big time chewer.  It’s gotten better, but you’re screwed if you leave your shoes out or anything.  Yesterday, while Brian was home, Jesse got into something (went right through it), and ended up w/ a valium prescription bottle.  Brian could only find 3 pills, which means she could’ve very well eaten
10 or so.  We were freaking out.  We got advice by the pet poison control line, to induce vomiting.  Oh, she was not happy, I guess.  But it worked, and Brian couldn’t find the pills in there.   So, who knows…  Maybe we got them out of her quick enough, and they are so small he couldn’t find them, or she never ate the pills (my guess).  Scared the absolute shit out of us, though.  I love the heck out of that dog, but there is still a lot of work to be done!

Well, the nerves of the move have finally caught up with me.  I mean…REALLY caught up with me.  I’m officially in freak out mode.  I can’t let Brian know how bad I’m second guessing, etc. right now, because he’ll just say, let’s stay.  I know he wants this job out there.  In the end, it’s probably the right move.  I just keep telling myself that, anyway.  H.P. tried to help talk me off the ledge last night, but ugh…I just want to jump.  Haha. Too much all at once.  We
still need to find a place to live out there, set up the move, finish packing, finish up appts for the kids, keep the dog alive, etc. You know, real live grown up stuff. The one thing I keep thinking is, that once we get out there, my JOB will be to take care of myself.  I need to take it seriously, and tackle it like I’m getting paid for it.  Which of course, I would be, in the best way possible…my health.  I feel crappy all the time, and my knees are killing me.  I’ve never had my weight affect me this badly before.  It’s horrible.  I really do feel like one of those BL contestants.  I find myself thinking about them a lot lately….

I’m back on P!nk kick! So, in lieu of all my self-induced chaos these days, I’ll leave you with the lyrics to Chaos & Piss, again.

Hope you all are having a fantastic day.

Much Love,

Jen

"Chaos & Piss"
I
thought that you were driving, but you've given me the wheel
There's rain
clouds out there, that you don't wanna feel
Your anger's like a razor blade,
it's just too bloody real
I thought that you would be here, no I just don't
get it
Hey I also feel things more than I should
I don't relax very
often, as often as I could
I worry how the whole thing looks, it doesn't
look good
But I thought that you would be here, no I just don't get it

And being clear gets too much for me, just like it does for you
Even though
I want to, I want to, I don't

I don't feel like calming down, no I
don't
I don't feel like hiding out, so I won't
I can't turn the volume
down, so I sit here in this
Chaos and piss, watching the storm passing

Storms are beautiful, right here it's beautiful

I came all this way to
be with you, and you're already gone
If I was a good friend, I could write
this wrong
I'd kick away your crutches, make you walk on your own
I
really thought you'd be here, I just don't get it
Though it looks warm in
the rabbit hole, I could go down with you
Even though I want to, I want to,
I won't

I don't feel like calming down, no I don't
I don't feel like
hiding out, so I won't
I can't turn the volume down, so I sit here in
this
Chaos and piss, watching the storm passing
It's beautiful


I'm a willow tree, you can't blow me over
And my roots go deep in anger

I wanna feel the wind as it whips me like a prisoner
I wanna be here
I wanna be here

No I don't feel like calming down, no I don't
I don't
feel like hiding out, so I won't
I can't turn the volume down, so I sit here
in this
Chaos and piss, watching the storm passing
Storms are beautiful,
this life is beautiful
It is 

Ah, the 4th of July. I have the greatest memories of the 4th from up in Alaska. 
A friend and I were talking last night about our favorite vacation ever, and mine was going home for my 20 year reunion.  Most of us made it up, and there were some classmates I hadn't seen since the summer we graduated.  By the way, our graduating class was 34.  That was considered a "big" class.  The next year only had 17.  Anyway, most of us went up there solo.  I'd never been away from my family for so long, and neither had most everyone else. But what was so great, is that we are family.  The bonds that we have, most since preschool, are the strongest, we'll ever know.  We all have such a genuine love for one another. Without a doubt, I know my friends from h.s. have my back.  I've never had to question that, and I know I never will.  They know the same about me.  Anyway, we all had such a blast during that vacation.  We had our reunion on the 3rd of July, as to make sure we all had a good excuse to be home for the 4th.  No matter how far away we all may live from that tiny island in Alaska, we made sure to find a way home.  We are talking about having a 25 yr reunion, too.  Hell, sounds like a good reason to go home!  

Anyway, if I'm not home, I'm usually incredibly sad to not be there.  This year is different, though.  Thankfully, I have so many things going on, it's a great distraction as to what I'm missing.  And of course, I'm home with the most  important ppl in my life.  We are going to do some BBQ'ing tonight and then take in the fireworks.  It's been a wonderful day so far, and it only promises to get better.

I know this has been incredibly short, but I wanted to make sure to wish you all a wonderful and safe 4th of July.  

Much Love,

Jen

Holy moly…life has been a whirlwind lately.  I’ve been alluding to some possible upcoming changes for Brian’s job over the past month. It’s now official: we are moving to Central WA at the end of the month.  Brian’s accepted a transfer with his co.  The job will be physically easier on him, and when it comes right down to it, you can’t fight having a move paid for.  We’ve had lots of  discussions, thoughts, anxieties, everything you can imagine tied to this move.  Although my job sucks, it’s
a job.  It’s hard to leave a job with nothing waiting for you.  Of course, more than anything, though, has been the worry about moving the boys again.  I hate that we are having them change schools again.  Bottom line is, we never intended to live in the Midwest permanently, and it will be best to move them to what should be their last city, now, rather than in another year or so.  It will be good for them/us to get our feet firmly planted in one city, with no thoughts of moving.  Having said all of this, I’m not stoked about moving to another little town.  We won’t know anyone, but it is a college town, so the occasional Alaskan will be coming through, though.  I wish we could live in the same town as my sisters, but I’ll take living 2 ½ hours away, versus 2500 miles away any day of the week.  Also, two of my very closest friends are within a couple of hours, too.  Man that makes a difference.  I sure have missed everyone!  I told L.P. we were moving and that night she text me saying she was picking me up and taking me to Lake Chelan in Oct, and is asking another good friend to come with us (you know who you are :).  I can’t tell you how good that made me feel!  It feels great to know that people are just as excited to see me as I am them!

Well, it’s time to start packing again. Ugh.  Too many moves in such a short time.  You’ve moved. You know how bad packing/organizing sucks.  We’ll spend Sat. getting started on all of it, but we’ve set aside Sunday for a good, family day.  We are going to Milwaukee to see the Brewers vs. Mets.  We haven’t been to Milwaukee, yet, so we’re excited to check it out. The
stadium is supposed to be fantastic. It’s supposed to be the best one for tailgating.  We are going to bring our little hibachi to do a little grilling, have
ourselves some nice cold beverages, and play some bags.  The boys are really looking forward to it, too.

The biggest stress right now is trying to find a place to live out there.  You hear about ppl getting ripped off when renting off of craigslist, but I don’t know how to be certain what we find is legit.  Plus, ppl are supposed to be weary of renting to ppl from out of state.  It’s a college town, so rent is way too high.  MOFO…  Oh well, we’ll end up with a roof over our heads somehow.  H.P. has been super supportive through this whole thing, and has even agreed to go check out some houses for us, if the schedule allows. Man, it’s good to have ppl in my life like that.  I wouldn’t be comfortable enough to ask many ppl a favor like that, but w/ H.P., there was no hesitation.  That’s when you know your friends are like family.

The 4th of July is just a couple of days  away.  This holiday is either my very favorite (if I’m in Alaska), or the most depressing holiday of the year.   A lot of friends and family made the treck up there this year to spend the holiday. I love seeing all of the pics, etc that they put on Facebook.  At the same time, it makes me really miss home.  I haven’t seen my Mom in 2 ½ years.  My sister Nealy and her family were able to make the trip this year as well as my niece Mady and several cousins.  Hopefully, we’ll be able to do it next year or at the very least the following year. I know there’s been talk of a 25 year h.s. reunion. 
OMG…did I just say that…25 years?!  Holy shit and caboodle!

I know this is off track, but are any of you having issues w/ these thick black hairs coming in on your chin and neck.  WTF?  I swear I’m finding one about every other day. So gross.  I’ve always been one hairy mofo, but this is ridiculous!

Well, I should really get back to work.  Haha! Yes, I’m at work.  It’s much easier to relax, once you’ve given notice. Oh, and by the way, they seem very broken up about my leaving.  Funny… I’ve felt like such a failure here for so long.


Anyway, I’ve had “Firedamp” on the brain lately. 
Hope you enjoy an oldie but
goody.


Much Love,


Jen


When
it all goes crazy and the thrill is gone
The days get rainy and the nights
get long
When you get that feelin' you were born to lose
Starin' at your
ceiling, thinkin' of your blues

When there's so much trouble that you
want to cry
The world has crumbled and you don't know why
When your
hopes are fading and they can't be found
Dreams have left you waiting
friends have let you down

Just remember I love you
And it'll be all
right
Just remember I love you
More than I can say
Maybe then your
blues will fade away

When you need a lover and you're down so low

  You start to wonder but you never know
When it feels like sorrow is your
only friend
Knowing that tomorrow you'll feel this way again

When
the blues come callin' at the break of dawn
The rain keeps fallin' but the
rainbow's gone
When you feel like cryin' but the tears won't come
When
your dreams are dyin' when you're on the run

Just remember I love
you
And it'll be all right
Just remember I love you
More than I can
say
Just remember I love you
And it'll be all right
It'll be all
right
It'll be all right
It'll be all right