Hello!  Well, another bday has come and gone (Thank God)!  Wait that sounded bad.  Just that day is always hard for me.  But rebounded really well the next day.  And now it’s 5 straight days that I feel good. 
As of this weekend, I’m totally off of the antidepressants.  It feels so good to have that out of my life.  I truly believe in what they can do for people, including myself at times.  But, my brain didn’t respond well, at all to adding the new ones.  I mean, if you’re more depressed on them, it didn’t make sense for me to keep on them.  And it took so much out of me, that I was completely unwilling to try anything else. Those pills brought me to depths of darkness that I pray to God I never see again.  It’s pretty bad if I long for my own brand of crazy.  So, here I am.  I’ve been thinking about the blog the past week, but I really didn’t want to jinx myself by saying I was feeling well.  It’s been a long time since I’ve strung together this many days where I’m my own version of normal, for whatever that’s worth. I know it’s hard for people to understand, if they’ve never been there.  It’s got to be hard to see someone you love go through it, and frustrating to think that there’s something you can do to help.  Let me tell you.  There’s
nothing people can do to help.  It’s not about how much love is in my life or what God’s given me.  It’s about waking up in the morning and feeling like I can’t move…and you don’t want to move…  It’s a feeling of suffocation, so even though people might be trying to help you, it doesn’t matter, because all you can see and feel is the fact that you’re being suffocated.  Depression for me has never been situational.  It’s something that grabs me out of nowhere, and I fucking hate it. I hate it more than anything in my world.  BUT, I feel good now.  And I pray to God that it continues.  It’s so nice to drive to work and listen to music and enjoy it, versus crying for no fucking reason and knowing that I have to make it through the day somehow.  For 5 days now: I look forward to the day.

Enough about that…. Life has been really busy lately. I’ve been tackling lots of projects around the house and that feels great.  In fact, I even got the garage all cleaned out and now am actually parking in the garage.  I’ve always heard that’s what those things are designed for.  It’s been so nice to not have to warm up my car for 15 minutes and then still scrape ice off the car.  I’ve got a little list of things I haven’t been doing lately but have been wanting to do.  Each day, I’m crossing something off that list.  The only way to quit feeling like everything is out of my control is to take control of the little things I can.

My diet is total shit, but I’m okay with that, this second.  Well, really I’m not
okay with it, but I’m not punishing myself for it. One step at a time.

Oh, today’s song is by that bad ass Gordon Lightfoot.  I heard it driving in yesterday morning, and it goes well with the little saying at the top of the blog.  

Hope you all have a fantastic day.  I truly do.

Much Love,

Jen

"If You Could Read My Mind"

If
you could read my mind, love
What a tale my thoughts could tell
Just like
an old-time movie
'Bout a ghost from a wishin' well
In a castle dark or a
fortress strong
With chains upon my feet
You know that ghost is me
And
I will never be set free
As long as I'm a ghost that you can't see


If I could read your mind, love
What a tale your thoughts could
tell
Just like a paperback novel
The kind the drugstores sell
When you
reach the part where the heartaches come
The hero would be me
But heroes
often fail
And you won't read that book again
Because the ending's just
too hard to take

I'd walk away like a movie star
Who gets burned in a
three-way script
Enter number two
A movie queen to play the scene
Of
bringing all the good things out in me
But for now love, let's be real
I
never thought I could act this way
And I've got to say that I just don't
get it
I don't know where we went wrong
But the feeling's gone and I just
can't get it back

If you could read my mind, love
What a tale my
thoughts could tell
Just like an old-time movie
'Bout a ghost from a
wishin' well
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my
feet
But stories always end
And if you read between the lines
You'll
know that I'm just tryin' to understand
The feelings that you lack
I never
thought I could feel this way
And I've got to say that I just don't get
it
I don't know where we went wrong
But the feeling's gone and I just
can't get it back

So, I’m 41 today. Yep.  41.  I’m not really sure how that can be.  When talking to my friends around here (all seems to be early thirties and late twenties), I often refer to people being “our age.”  And when I say it, I really mean it.  When I
watch, How I Met Your Mother, I always think we are the same age, even when they refer to themselves as being in their early thirties.  Yet, I have my Pandora totally cranked in my office right now…started with Air Supply, and then it was Lionel Ritchie, and now Jackson Browne.  If I brought any of these people up, my “same age” friends would have no idea who they are, I’m sure.  And yes, the music is so loud; I know people can hear it outside my office.  But it’s my birthday, and I’ll cry (I mean celebrate) any way that I like.  Actually, it’s been pretty nice.  My Mom called yesterday, as she wouldn’t be in cell range today. 
She decided last minute to go visit my sisters in WA.  Not gonna lie…that stung a bit.  But, I am a long ways away.  It was nice to hear from her.  She sent me some NYC $ and a Josh Groban c.d./dvd.  WTF?  But, that was super kind of her.  My morning started as it has for years, with an early morning text from Amy.  I came in, and Marie had put a Happy Birthday sign on my office door.  And so on. It’s nice to feel the love.  I’m working hard on feeling the love.  I have an issue with my birthday, where nothing ever seems to be enough.  Pathetic, really.  I usually end up getting depressed.  But…I’m fighting it.  I really am!

I had to get my IL driver’s license yesterday.  Ouch. Did not want to do that, but my WA license expired today.  I guess the only good thing about that, is I said my weight was 195.  And just how PATHETIC is that.  That I was happy I pulled that over on the DMV lady.  195.  Something all little girls want to grow up and aspire to….  I can’t even talk about it.  So fucking disgusted with myself.

Okay, fighting off the bday bad mood…  Pandora got crappy, so now have iTunes cranked.  Ah shit…it’s 11:19 A.M.  I’ve got to start working hard on this mood.  I wonder if they would notice if I left work for the rest of the day?  Just like with most of us drones, I’m sure it’d only be when somebody needed something done for them.  But that's what a job is.

Alright, Miss Sunshine is done here.  I’m happy to have made it 41 years.  I’m going to NYC in a month.  I’ve got a fantastic family, and my friends are the best on the planet.  And that’s no fucking lie.

Have a wonderful day!

The 41 year old, 5’9, 195 pounder…..(yeah, right).

Oh, I’ll leave you with some P!nk, as usual.  I know I’ve done this song before.  But I’m so obsessed with her right now.  A good friend and I were recently talking about our love for her, and she referred to P!nk as so “angry.”  Made me think….  I identify so much with what she has to
say, but I don’t consider myself angry. 
Huh….


Screw fear it's contagious
Infecting everything
It makes me do
such stupid,stupid stuff
I say things I never mean
What exactly do I
think
Who am I protecting
If I fall and I blow up in my face
That's
just crazy

I'm delicate, I'm sensitive
Please try to be more
careful
You're mean , you're a lunatic
Let's try to make this fun
again

It's only love giving it away
(It's only love)
You probably
get it back again
(It's only love)
It's simple as a silly thing
You're
away like a boomerang
I wish we all could lie in love
It's only love not a
timebomb
Bomb x6

I'm tired from last night's fight
I wish I haven't
started it
I hate when my fear speaks for me
It makes me nasty
I
thought we could start again
Go back to the days when we felt like
friends
It's all too serious for me
And I know I'm guilty

Mistakes
are poison that's what I have to define
My dear I'm frozen turned from a
saint to a liar

It's only love giving it away
(It's only love)
You
probably get it back again
(It's only love)
It's simple as a silly
thing
You're away like a boomerang
I wish we all could lie in love
It's
only love not a timebomb
Bomb x6

Ah, this blog….  I sometimes go back to the day that I decided to start it.  My original intention was to be anonymous.  But, I thought I wouldn’t hold myself accountable that way, so I’d better let my friends know about it.  You know what I truly believed?  I believed that starting this blog was going to jump start me back on a healthy vegan diet, and I really wanted to show people what it could do for you.  I wanted to show the foods, the meals, the health that comes with this diet.  I was just sure I wouldn’t let people down by failing on my diet.  And more than anything, I wanted to help people become healthier.  Well, here I am a year and a half later, and the original intent of the blog is just about laughable.  I thought I couldn’t be any fatter when I started, and here I am 20-30 lbs heavier. And as far as motivating people? Well, I think we all know the answer to that question.  In order to motivate people, one would have to inspire.  I think we can all agree that, that hasn’t happened.  I was still believing in my own bullshit a month or so ago, when I started the page on Facebook.  I thought, ah, this will inspire me; this will inspire others…  I think for the sake of my own sanity I need to abandon that a little.  It’s something that I can’t clearly live up to.  I don’t need one more thing on my plate like that.

I guess, I’m talking about this, this morning as I heard from one of you today and you were saying you were wishing there was something you could do to help me.  I had to go back and read the last post to see why you would think that.  I guess I can see that…  There have been a few posts over the past year and a half that I’ve written while heartbroken or feeling desperate, but that wasn’t one of them.  Another friend said something similar a couple of weeks ago, and was offering their own type of support.  So, I'm mad at myself for sounding like someone who needs help.  I’m mad at myself for making some of
you worry. I hate that.  It’s the last thing I want to do.  I know my hormones, etc. have sent me on some crazy journeys, but I’m trying.  I’m trying to control it the best I can.  It’s going to be one decision at a time.  Today, it was the decision to not eat sugar cookies or cupcakes from the break room (yes, it’s 8:44 A.M.) for breakfast.  My breakfast choice today was going to be 2 bananas, but I forgot them…so I’ve had a couple of Cuties.  I’ll munch on an apple in a little bit.  For me, I’m going to have to start counting my victories one at a time.  I feel overwhelmed on so many levels, that it’s the plan I have for now.

When Brian and I went to the party on Sat. night, Brian asked if I were going to drink wine or beer. I said, I want to drink the one that doesn’t make me cry. 
So…I’m going to take a break from drinking.  (Except for Friday, as there are already plans on place.  But Brian will be with me, and so I’ll be okay.) It’s really a pisser, as I used to like to drink every once in a while.  But it’s gotten to be too much, at least once a week, and always too much. And it takes me to terrible depths of unhappiness.  So, that’s a big part of my plan.  I’m going one step at a time, and I’m hopeful that I’ll soon see the difference that eating clean/vegan can make.  I look forward to feeling myself move to a healthier place in every way.

Here’s to your healthy choices today; however big or small.
~Jen

Oh, I saw this come on Sirius this morning, and I actually switched over from the Pink c.d. to listen.  Classic song.

"Against the Wind"  Bob Segar

It seems like yesterday
But it was long ago
Janey was lovely, she was the
queen of my nights
There in the darkness with the radio playlng low
And
the secrets that we shared
The mountains that we moved
Caught like a
wildfire out of control
Till there was nothing left to burn and nothing left
to prove

And I remember what she said to me
How she swore that it
never would end
I remember how she held me oh so tight
Wish I didn't know
now what I didn't know then

Against the wind
We were runnin' against
the wind
We were young and strong, we were runnin'
Against the
wind

And the years rolled slowly past
And I found myself
alone
Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends
I found myself
further and further from my home
And I guess I lost my way
There were oh
so many roads
I was living to run and running to live
Never worried about
paying or even how much I owed
Moving eight miles a minute for months at a
time
Breaking all of the rules that would bend
I began to find myself
searchin'
Searchin' for shelter again and again
Against the wind
A
little something against the wind
I found myself seeking shelter against the
wind

Well those drifters days are past me now
I've got so much more to
think about
Deadlines and commitments
What to leave in, what to leave
out

Against the wind
I'm still runnin' against the wind
I'm older
now but still running
Against the wind
Well I'm older now and still
running
Against the wind

Holy smokes have the past few days been a rollercoaster of emotions.  After work on Friday, a bunch of us from work went out to have a couple of drinks at our local watering hole.  It was quite the crappy week at work for all of us.  We started off doing a shot or two, and that's never a smart idea for me.  Pretty instantly I got low, low, low, as in Flo Rida Low.  Oh, I was pissed.  I hate it when that happens.  I couldn't bring myself out of it.  I didn't drink too much
more, and started on lots of water.  I stayed long enough to make sure that I was sober so I could drive home.  I called Tammi on the ride home, and the poor thing got to hear my low, low, low.  I swear I'm going to run my friends off. But when I'm like that, it's almost what I want.  I just think life would be so much easier without any relationships outside of my house. It's ridiculous.  But it's how I feel when I'm in that moment.  Friday night was a terrible night for sleep.  I woke up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and pounding
out of my chest.  I couldn't get it to slow down, until I got up and walked around, got some water, took some Ibuprofen and an anxiety med.  Sat. morning Brian was called into work.  I was so tired.  I just wanted to lay there with the blankets over my head, but I knew better.  I finally got up and took Cal to breakfast.  Ryne's going through some sort of bitchy stage, and he didn't want to come with us.  I also ran an errand for the upcoming trip.  I was so drained and low, low, low...  I couldn't snap out of it.  I finally took a nap, but it was filled with horrible nightmares.  I remember a good friend and I quit being friends, Brian asked for a divorce, and for my birthday gift was a granny pair of Spanx underwear (which was the highlight of my nightmares).  I woke up even worse than before I took the nap.  I was so pissed! Anyway, our co. Christmas party (yes, you read that right), was last night.  I really, really, really did not want to go.  I was so drained....  But I didn't want to let Marie down, as she was really looking forward to it.  So, Brian and I ended up going.  When we got there, Lynn asked where we were sitting. I said, I didn't know, and she took me to grab out place cards.  She said she'd saved hers for when we got there, so she could sit with us.  That totally made my night...  It made me feel so good, that someone was looking forward to seeing me and hanging out with me.  When I'm so down, I can't understand how anyone would want to be around me.  So, that was such a nice start to the evening. It became a little awkward when the C.E.O. and his wife sat with us.  But Lynn knows them so well, that it wasn't as uncomfortable as I thought it would be.  I guess it can't be too bad, as his wife got Lynn and I "slippery nipple" shots.  Yuck.  But I sucked it down like a big girl ;)    Anyway, the whole night was so nice.  I love spending time with Brian.  He makes me laugh, and is the only one on this planet that can make me feel loved when I can't find it within myself to love myself.

So, thank God, I feel more "normal" today.  I hate being down...  I can't even express to you how much I hate it...  Today I will research foods that help
with depression.  Food is the best medicine.  I know a vegan diet is the key, but I need to pay extra attention to the depression super foods this week.  It's time for me to do something about this.  It's time for me to care about myself enough to do it.  For every positive thought and motion toward better health, I find 5x more thoughts to sabotage myself.  I have to fucking stop this cycle.  I really do...  I don't like me like this.  And if I can't like myself, how can I expect others to like me?

So, here's to a good Sunday. Brian and I are going to get caught up on the Biggest Loser, and I'm
  looking forward to that inspiration.


Happy Sunday,


Jen

Ah, a good night’s sleep. I hardly slept Sunday night.  It was the Grammy’s, so I indulged in a few beers and went to bed late.  About an hour after I went to bed, Cal came in because the storm had woken him up. That’s all she wrote…  I was up most of the night.  I was running on about 2 hours sleep yesterday, and I felt every bit of it.  I made myself get to bed fairly early last night, and I only woke up a few times, and for very brief periods.  Lately when I’ve been waking up, it’s for hours at a time.  I decided I’d quit fighting it when it happens.  It just pisses me off more.  So, if I know there’s no chance of getting back to sleep, I write emails to myself about chores or things I need to get done.  And hey, I even return texts, emails and such.  I’m not always the best about that, so at least the middle of the night can be a functional time.  Thankfully I’ve been staying away from the fridge, too.  If I’m awake long enough, I’ll end up “starving,” but that seems to be the only time I have any real control over my diet.  For now, I’ll take that…  

I’ve been weaning off the other med, by taking it every other day.  It leaves me
crazy itchy.  Like every part of my body itches.  Thankfully, other than that one day, that’s about all the withdrawal symptoms I’ve had.  It’s such a weird thing: having a physical reaction to the stopping of medication. The only real addictions I’ve ever have, have been food and caffeine related.  I know about coming off of that, but I HATE this feeling that my body has become dependent on something.  This antidepressant is supposed to be “non habit forming,” which I guess it is.  But still tell the body that.  I hate being out of control with this stuff.  Hopefully this is it….  I really hope I find the best path to deal with all of this.  In order for diet and exercise to work and combat depression and anxiety…I guess I need to start dieting and exercising.  Who knew that was the fucking key ; )

All in all, things are pretty good.  Work has been busy but manageable.  The boys are doing good, and I’m feeling better about my parenting skills, as I’ve been fairly “present” lately.  I’m hoping that I soon get to a place that I’m on the move so much, they don’t remember how I used to hide out in my room or in a book (in my room, lol).  When I look back at the past couple of years, I don’t know that I see it exactly how it’s happened.  I feel like I’m a whole different person.  This person is much younger than I, much more energetic, funnier, athletic, confident and good to be around, than I really am/have been. What sucks, is when I actually realize…oh, yeah…that isn’t me anymore.  I know I have a long way to go, to be the person I want to be on a lot of levels.  I hope I have a good base, though…  I keep reminding myself that things could be so much worse.  In fact, it makes no sense the depths of depression I can go to for no apparent reason whatsoever…

Anyway, I really have no choice.  I do want to be a better, healthier person.  But really, I have to be.  I’m not shitting you, when I tell you that if I keep going the way I go, with my stress level, lack of sleep and eating/drinking habits…I’ll be 6’ under before too long.  And most of the time I really don’t want that.  Lol…  My mind won’t let me go to what it would do to my family.  My therapist tried to talk to me about it once, and there was no fucking way I could really approach what that would mean to my family.  I have to do it for them.  For me.  But also, if I’m dead, I’ll be a jealous psycho over my friends going on without me. I have to be here to actually go see the Grammy’s in person.  If my friends do that without me, I swear I’ll fucking haunt them.  I joke, but I’m not dumb.  Kara and I talked about mortality a bit lately, and she read me the riot
act. I saw what she went through when we lost Pat.  I still see what she goes through.  I can’t ever cause anyone that kind of pain.  I’ve got to get serious for once.  And that short list goes on….  I never want to lose a friend again.  And I don’t want to think about it from their side, either.  There are a couple of things I was thinking about saying, but really it’s personal.  I know what I mean to a couple of people, and have an idea of what my passing would mean. Oh, and Holley did tell me she’d come beat the shit out of my coffin and scream me down.  Whoa….how in the fuck did this get so dark?  Just like I told Pops today: it sucks to be inside my head :)   And really, I swear to God I’m having a good day.  I better quit typing before I talk myself out of it.

Hope you guys have an awesome day.  It’s great to be alive.  At least I crack myself up.
 
~Jen

P.S.  As I finished this, “Firedamp” came on.  I need to be alive to smile every time they do.

There's something about a Sunday morning and reflections.  I guess because it's usually the quietest time of the week for me. I usually wake up before anyone else, and find time to do little things (for even just that half hour or so), where I do what I want...whether it be play a game on my phone, watch something off the DVR (this morning I watched How I Met Your Mother, love that show), clean, or just stare out the window and think about things.  And of course for me, I usually do just about all of them at once.   I've read that people that are fidgety or have a hard time relaxing are usually thin. I do these things but always seem to have my baseline of food involved on some level, too.  I guess the thin ones aren't as good at multitasking as I. lol....

I've also spent a little time on fb this morning.  I looked at a picture that my friend and I took on Friday night.  I hate looking at pictures of myself.  I really, truly do...  In fact, essentially the only pictures I even allow of myself are when I'm half in the bag.  No shit. It's the only time that I'm not terrified of the camera.  I hate pictures so much that ever since Amy decided she wanted to go to NYC for her birthday, all I can think of is...fuck.  That means pictures.  I've
got so many great pictures of friends and family from over the years.  But when I look at a vacation photo or what have you, instead of enjoying that memory, I go right to my weight and appearance.  In fact, a couple of weeks ago, I got kind of dressed up to go to that gallery opening.  I actually felt decent about myself.  I'm in jeans and a t-shirt or sweatshirt most days for my job. (Clothing can easily get ruined doing what I do).  So, it felt good to play the part of a real girl (woman sounds too grown up for me). A friend and I had our picture taken that night, and when I looked at it, I nearly died.  My stomach was sticking out.  Like a pregnant lady my stomach was sticking out...  btw...  I really need to
give birth to all this soda, sugar, buffets, fast food, etc.  We did a few retakes with me sucking my stomach in, but really it didn't help much.  It's kind of hard to suck in your chins, cheeks, shoulders, etc.  I'm so glad that when she posted the picture on fb, she did not tag me.  I do not want to ever see that picture again.  And it's sad, since it's of me and a long time friend.

It's kind of a shame that I saw that picture this morning on fb of me and my friend (the one from 2 days ago).  My Sunday morning had me going in the right direction.  I'd been thinking about getting my nose repierced now forever, but I kept saying in 10 or 20 lbs or whatever, before I could do it.  This morning I thought, just do something you want to do for yourself, and try to enjoy it.  Quit letting life pass you by...  So, even though looking at myself (through photo) reminds me of what/who I am, and all that goes with it.  I'm trying to
bring myself back to an hour ago, when I decided to live my life without
apology.  I've really worked hard on that lately.  I think I've led my whole life based on apology.  Apology for my looks, my weight, my smart ass sense of humor, my seemingly colossal failures at every turn.  Now, living without apology is something I aspire to and have been working toward, but by no means am I there.  But I have taken that approach with a couple of things, and it has been healthy to me.  I took it months ago in regards to a friendship that left me feeling drained too often.  I had to finally go (to myself): if they don't like me for who I am, I can't control it. And I'm not going to try to.  I'm worth that.  That was very healthy for me.  Because as much as most people that know me think that I'm one of those people that really don't care about what people think about me...it couldn't be further than the truth.  I see myself through the eyes of everyone else, and what I see is never good.  But now I'm getting off track again...  Oh, that's right.  I'm going to live my life for me, today without apology!  Did I convince you?  I'm trying to convince myself.  So, in that effort, if the Piercing Pagoda ever answers their fucking phone to let me know if they
pierce noses, that's what I'm going to do.  Yes, I'm going to do it at some damn kiosk thing at the mall.  Not a piercing shop like the last time.  I know if I wait to research to find the best one, it's not going to get done.

Okay, this entry was all over the damn place today.  But that's how I roll.  And in the interest of no apology, I have a couple of friends that are always telling me when I talk about wanting to change who I am:  "I hope you never change.  Because I love you for who you are."  Or something as gay as that.  But it's nice to know that those couple of friends who really know the depths of my crazy, love me for it.  No apologies needed.

Cheers to a no apology kind of day...  And happy Grammy's!


~Jen

I'm glad to say I've been feeling a lot better the pastcouple of days.  This doesn't mean
my identification with the self esteem issues from the show have changed.  It means I don't feel it to that extent
every day.  Thank God....



So, I'm off the one antidepressant now.  I took my last pill on Tues.  The weaning process was okay.  I had some downs, but I don't know if that had to do with getting off of them or not. The plan is to start getting off the one I've been on for quite some time next week.  I'm supposed to go to one pill, every other day.  Anyway, that was a great plan, but somehow I LOST my prescription bottle of the one.  I hadn't taken one since Mon. evening.  Every day I keep thinking I'll find them.  I've torn just about everything apart looking for them.  But holy hell I started feeling the effects of not taking them last night.  Talk about freak out.  Not like being crazy, but like my body was freaking out.  I kept getting this pulsating/shocking feeling all yesterday (seriously like 50 times).  It kept on today, and I sat in my office and couldn't find anything on my desk.  My brain was so scattered.  I called the pharmacy when they opened and got one pill, and within an hour, my body started to respond.  Even this horrible itching I'd had all over my body the past couple of
days (which I'd attributed to the extremely cold weather), went away. So...I'm not looking forward to the weaning process on this one.  Crazy.... Well, anyway I'll try tearing apart my house again tonight to find that bottle, but knowing me...I probably threw it away or it's in the freezer somewhere.  Most likely I recycled the full bottle while going through all the pills the other day.  I swear whenever I used to misplace something of value, I'd immediately think someone stole it (which is funny, since that's hardly happened to me), but now when I can't find something..I start to wonder about what crazy place I put it. 
If I don't find it, insurance won't cover it, since they just had..and they are crazy expensive.  Keeping my fingers crossed.  While not holding out much hope ;)

My diet is still shit, but life has kind of been one day at a time lately.  And each day has been a bit better.  Hoping to make the jump to feeling fantastic soon....really, I'm ready for it...  Sleep has been a ton better the past two nights, which is a God send.  I slept 2-4 hours most nights last week (all broken up) and that was simply a killer.  Sleep might be the most important thing in my overall health.

Tomorrow is Friday.  Thank the good Lord above.  

Much Love,

Jen

Okay, I’ve been away a little while.  I’ve thought about the blog, but sometimes I just don’t have it in me.  Lots of changes going on, and I haven’t felt real settled.  I decided to go off of the antidepressants.  My Dr. had been adjusting the past couple of months, and it really, really fucked with me.  This last one, without a doubt made everything worse.  I decided that was it.  I don’t even know what my own baseline is anymore.  So, I have 1 more to take tomorrow, and I’ll be off of the one. Then, I’ll start weaning myself off the one I’ve been on for a long time.  I’ll take it every other day over the course of a month, believe.  As my mind has been going every which direction the past couple of months, I haven’t been sure what is me, what is the drugs, how much of it is diet and lack of exercise, etc.  I essentially have been so nutty that I’m really hoping it was those last drugs.  I know I already feel better having cut them back.  So….I’ve been able to stop shoving one of those pills in my body…now it’s time for the hard part.  I think I’m going to journal to myself what I’m eating/drinking and if there’s any noticeable differences.  I know that caffeine is a bitch to depression and anxiety.  I shouldn’t be on that shit at all, but of course I’ve been riding the mother train of them all….soda.  I’m not real proud to admit that I’ve been drinking on the pills, too.  And let me tell you, that’s where I knew it really fucked with me…  Twice in a row I ended up going from having an excellent time to crying for no real discernible reason.  I also cried Friday, after I’d been weaning for a week, but I think that was just real loneliness.  Brian wasn’t able to come with me to a thing and I ended up going by myself. 
A cousin was supposed to come and some friends and everyone bailed on me
last second.  I hate going to events by myself.  Anyway, it was my friend’s sister’s thing, and their whole family was there (huge family).  The more wine I drank, the more I missed being around my own family and friends. So, maybe that was a normal cry? Or maybe not…maybe somewhere in the middle.  I’ve had so much anxiety, I’d definitely been drinking more than I normally do, so that’s got to stop.  I really need to slow that down.  Also, I’m giving my keys to
someone whose job it will be to give my keys to someone I don’t know.  I’ll need to prove that I’m okay by the time I’m ready to leave.  This has been the most self-destructive period of my life, and again, that’s not okay.  I’m working on these things.  I know I’ve been stupid.  I’m wrecking my body, brain, and making terrible decisions.  At some point I’m hoping I’ll stop disliking myself and start to believe in my own self.  The self-negative talk has been BRUTAL…..

Have you seen the HBO series, “Girls”?  I heard Lena Dunham on Stern a couple of weeks ago and was completely captivated by her wit.  I started by renting the first five episodes and watching them at one sitting.  Sunday I went in for the second half of the season. The show is so FREAKING BRILLIANT. It’s so smart, that I don’t think I should understand it.  Really, just crazy, fucking awesome.  So, I’m plugging through the first few episodes loving every moment, and then episode 9 came along.  Holy fuck…. I hadn’t
identified with her character too much until this episode.  And then….for the first time someone in my life spoke my insecurities.  It was almost too hard to listen to.  It really shook me up hard.  In the episode she and her bff/roommate get into a big fight, and her roomie tells her there are a 1,000 things I could say to you about yourself right now, but I’m not cruel so I won’t.  Lena’s character tells her, please, throw one at me….because the odds are I’ve thought about those same thousand things in the past half hour about myself.  You think nobody can love me as much as I love myself???  Well, I hate myself, so there. 
I hate myself.  To which the roomie throws something terrible at her and they fight.  But at one point, Lena says, you know when we were at the book signing?  I spent the whole night thinking I’ll bet you wish she (author/friend in the episode), were your best friend.  That you wish anyone was your best friend instead of me.  I’m not good enough.  You can’t be proud of me.  I’m not
deserving.   Okay…fuck….it’s like she looked right inside of my insecurities while writing this and put them to film.  It was horrible.  I actually felt physically sick.  I hated watching it all unfold.  I equally hated the next episode where she was full of self-destruction.  I swear, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything that affected me in that way, about myself.  Cray. Cray.  Am I too old to say that?  Do people still use that term?

So, I won’t go into more detail of what I’ve been putting myself through lately. I
think about how fortunate I am to have all that I have. And then it makes it worse, because I haven’t been able to enjoy it or been secure enough about things to let me know it’s okay to be happy.  Fucking sucks.  But I’m not defeated.  I’m here. I’m writing this out for myself, and for those of you who can identify in some level.  Trust me, like Lena said, there’s nothing you can say to me that I haven’t already thought (in a negative manner, in the past half hour).  But let me tell you this, it scares me to death that someone will say something.  I just can’t ever get past hearing it from someone else, because then, for the rest of my life I will always know that to be fact….no matter how much therapy, drunken girl talks, awesome comments from my wonderful
husband, etc. can erase hurtful word that have been said to me.

Well, here’s hoping this entry left you feeling good about yourself, and knowing, HEY….at least I’m not as messed up as that chick.



Much Love,


Jen