Hello! Well, another bday has come and gone (Thank God)! Wait that sounded bad. Just that day is always hard for me. But rebounded really well the next day. And now it’s 5 straight days that I feel good.
As of this weekend, I’m totally off of the antidepressants. It feels so good to have that out of my life. I truly believe in what they can do for people, including myself at times. But, my brain didn’t respond well, at all to adding the new ones. I mean, if you’re more depressed on them, it didn’t make sense for me to keep on them. And it took so much out of me, that I was completely unwilling to try anything else. Those pills brought me to depths of darkness that I pray to God I never see again. It’s pretty bad if I long for my own brand of crazy. So, here I am. I’ve been thinking about the blog the past week, but I really didn’t want to jinx myself by saying I was feeling well. It’s been a long time since I’ve strung together this many days where I’m my own version of normal, for whatever that’s worth. I know it’s hard for people to understand, if they’ve never been there. It’s got to be hard to see someone you love go through it, and frustrating to think that there’s something you can do to help. Let me tell you. There’s
nothing people can do to help. It’s not about how much love is in my life or what God’s given me. It’s about waking up in the morning and feeling like I can’t move…and you don’t want to move… It’s a feeling of suffocation, so even though people might be trying to help you, it doesn’t matter, because all you can see and feel is the fact that you’re being suffocated. Depression for me has never been situational. It’s something that grabs me out of nowhere, and I fucking hate it. I hate it more than anything in my world. BUT, I feel good now. And I pray to God that it continues. It’s so nice to drive to work and listen to music and enjoy it, versus crying for no fucking reason and knowing that I have to make it through the day somehow. For 5 days now: I look forward to the day.
Enough about that…. Life has been really busy lately. I’ve been tackling lots of projects around the house and that feels great. In fact, I even got the garage all cleaned out and now am actually parking in the garage. I’ve always heard that’s what those things are designed for. It’s been so nice to not have to warm up my car for 15 minutes and then still scrape ice off the car. I’ve got a little list of things I haven’t been doing lately but have been wanting to do. Each day, I’m crossing something off that list. The only way to quit feeling like everything is out of my control is to take control of the little things I can.
My diet is total shit, but I’m okay with that, this second. Well, really I’m not
okay with it, but I’m not punishing myself for it. One step at a time.
Oh, today’s song is by that bad ass Gordon Lightfoot. I heard it driving in yesterday morning, and it goes well with the little saying at the top of the blog.
Hope you all have a fantastic day. I truly do.
Much Love,
Jen
"If You Could Read My Mind"
If
you could read my mind, love
What a tale my thoughts could tell
Just like
an old-time movie
'Bout a ghost from a wishin' well
In a castle dark or a
fortress strong
With chains upon my feet
You know that ghost is me
And
I will never be set free
As long as I'm a ghost that you can't see
If I could read your mind, love
What a tale your thoughts could
tell
Just like a paperback novel
The kind the drugstores sell
When you
reach the part where the heartaches come
The hero would be me
But heroes
often fail
And you won't read that book again
Because the ending's just
too hard to take
I'd walk away like a movie star
Who gets burned in a
three-way script
Enter number two
A movie queen to play the scene
Of
bringing all the good things out in me
But for now love, let's be real
I
never thought I could act this way
And I've got to say that I just don't
get it
I don't know where we went wrong
But the feeling's gone and I just
can't get it back
If you could read my mind, love
What a tale my
thoughts could tell
Just like an old-time movie
'Bout a ghost from a
wishin' well
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my
feet
But stories always end
And if you read between the lines
You'll
know that I'm just tryin' to understand
The feelings that you lack
I never
thought I could feel this way
And I've got to say that I just don't get
it
I don't know where we went wrong
But the feeling's gone and I just
can't get it back
As of this weekend, I’m totally off of the antidepressants. It feels so good to have that out of my life. I truly believe in what they can do for people, including myself at times. But, my brain didn’t respond well, at all to adding the new ones. I mean, if you’re more depressed on them, it didn’t make sense for me to keep on them. And it took so much out of me, that I was completely unwilling to try anything else. Those pills brought me to depths of darkness that I pray to God I never see again. It’s pretty bad if I long for my own brand of crazy. So, here I am. I’ve been thinking about the blog the past week, but I really didn’t want to jinx myself by saying I was feeling well. It’s been a long time since I’ve strung together this many days where I’m my own version of normal, for whatever that’s worth. I know it’s hard for people to understand, if they’ve never been there. It’s got to be hard to see someone you love go through it, and frustrating to think that there’s something you can do to help. Let me tell you. There’s
nothing people can do to help. It’s not about how much love is in my life or what God’s given me. It’s about waking up in the morning and feeling like I can’t move…and you don’t want to move… It’s a feeling of suffocation, so even though people might be trying to help you, it doesn’t matter, because all you can see and feel is the fact that you’re being suffocated. Depression for me has never been situational. It’s something that grabs me out of nowhere, and I fucking hate it. I hate it more than anything in my world. BUT, I feel good now. And I pray to God that it continues. It’s so nice to drive to work and listen to music and enjoy it, versus crying for no fucking reason and knowing that I have to make it through the day somehow. For 5 days now: I look forward to the day.
Enough about that…. Life has been really busy lately. I’ve been tackling lots of projects around the house and that feels great. In fact, I even got the garage all cleaned out and now am actually parking in the garage. I’ve always heard that’s what those things are designed for. It’s been so nice to not have to warm up my car for 15 minutes and then still scrape ice off the car. I’ve got a little list of things I haven’t been doing lately but have been wanting to do. Each day, I’m crossing something off that list. The only way to quit feeling like everything is out of my control is to take control of the little things I can.
My diet is total shit, but I’m okay with that, this second. Well, really I’m not
okay with it, but I’m not punishing myself for it. One step at a time.
Oh, today’s song is by that bad ass Gordon Lightfoot. I heard it driving in yesterday morning, and it goes well with the little saying at the top of the blog.
Hope you all have a fantastic day. I truly do.
Much Love,
Jen
"If You Could Read My Mind"
If
you could read my mind, love
What a tale my thoughts could tell
Just like
an old-time movie
'Bout a ghost from a wishin' well
In a castle dark or a
fortress strong
With chains upon my feet
You know that ghost is me
And
I will never be set free
As long as I'm a ghost that you can't see
If I could read your mind, love
What a tale your thoughts could
tell
Just like a paperback novel
The kind the drugstores sell
When you
reach the part where the heartaches come
The hero would be me
But heroes
often fail
And you won't read that book again
Because the ending's just
too hard to take
I'd walk away like a movie star
Who gets burned in a
three-way script
Enter number two
A movie queen to play the scene
Of
bringing all the good things out in me
But for now love, let's be real
I
never thought I could act this way
And I've got to say that I just don't
get it
I don't know where we went wrong
But the feeling's gone and I just
can't get it back
If you could read my mind, love
What a tale my
thoughts could tell
Just like an old-time movie
'Bout a ghost from a
wishin' well
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my
feet
But stories always end
And if you read between the lines
You'll
know that I'm just tryin' to understand
The feelings that you lack
I never
thought I could feel this way
And I've got to say that I just don't get
it
I don't know where we went wrong
But the feeling's gone and I just
can't get it back
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