I was in pretty good shape going into last night's fantasy football game against Sandy, and then that pos LeSean McCoy hit.  He killed me....  I was feeling so good, too!  Sandy is undefeated, and I wanted to be the first to take her down (I needed to back up all the smack talk.)  I've still got a tiny chance, but I need Vincent Jackson to show up and be a man tonight against the K.C. "Chefs."  I've already won the ff game in my old work pool, but that's not near as important to me as the family pool.  It's killing me that I'm getting my ass handed to me, by someone who probably picks her players by how good looking they are.  Yes, jealous much :)  She's kicking ass.

Today will be a fairly busy day for me.  Well, busy as in "Walnut" busy.  It would be nothing compared to my life in the 'Couv.  But hey, it's nice not to have to worry about getting stuff to the schools, picking them up for trick or treating at my work, etc., all while trying to get an honest days work in.  I'm going to enjoy today.  I finally did some Halloween decorating last night.  I put out Halloween place mats for the boys this morning for breakfast, but they didn't make any remark about them.  Hmmm....think they are spoiled?  I do.  I do miss my old house for decorating, though.  I have a bunch of things that went into specific places on the front porch.  There isn't room for most of it here.  Oh well, maybe next year we'll be settled somewhere, where I feel I can make new traditions, knowing we'll be there for a while.

Have a great Halloween.  Best of luck trying to stay away from all that dreaded candy.  If you're going to partake, make sure it's worth it.  Don't much on that candy corn bullshit, when you can enjoy a fancy piece of chocolate or something.

Oh, and I noticed it was the end of the month so I got my fat ass on the scale this morning.  202 lbs.  I know I lost a little weight this week.  I can feel it in my stomach.  I didn't do it the healthiest of ways, but I'll take it.  Usually stress causes me to gain, so I can't bitch about losing a few.  Long way to go, but I'm on my way.

Food:
8:00  Smoothie (soy milk, banana, spinach, strawberries)
Oh, mother fucker.  Turned into a very poor day of eating...
12:30  12" tuna sandwich from Subway w/ cheese...plus, some Lays chips and Diet Coke
7:00  Some Kraft Mac and Cheese, Diet Dr. Pepper
8:15  Big piece of pumpkin pie w/ whip cream....  Ugh.

Exercise:
1 hour 45 mins. of raking & bagging leaves  (I'm not even 1/5 of the way done)

Brian came into the room last night and turned on the Stanford vs. USC game, while I was finishing up doing a couple of chores in here.  It was a close game, and with about 5 mins. later I laid down.  Brian immediately put the moves on me.  Now, let me tell you something...we've been together 19 years, and if my husband is going to distract himself from a football game he's been watching for 2 1/2 hours, too hook up, it made me feel good, no great!  It may sound silly, but it's those little things in marriage that make you so thankful for what you have.  Now, it may never happen again, but I'll take it. 

Today I had one of the very best phone conversations that I've ever had in my life.  (Can't be the best, since nothing beats phone sex, lol.)  It took this big weight off of me, and allowed me to breathe again.  Oh my God, did I need that.  I'm so freaking grateful for things like that in my life.  When you feel at your worst, it's so great to be picked up again, and made to feel wonderful.  Oh, and you know what, I'm hungry again.  I guess that's a good and bad thing.  I've watched my tummy go down this week, and that was fine by me.  Once I got home, I ate a HUGE lunch, though. 

I'm feeling good, and hoping this carries me into a wonderful Halloween w/ the boys tomorrow.  Cal is going to be Spongebob (again).  This is the first year he's ever put his costume on, on his own.  Every year, it's a fight to get him to wear one.  This year he's actually excited!  Ryno's going to be Luigi (from Mario Bros.)  He's 10 this year, so it may be the last year he dresses up for a while.  I hope he's able to enjoy the heck out of it.  Oh crap, I've just remembered, I still need to buy candy.  Usually I buy the full size bars at Costco, but I don't have that option this year.  Will probably get stuck w/ some crappy taffy stuff from Wal-Mart.  And you know what's weird?  They actually have trick-or-treat TIMES here.  It's from 4:30-6.  That's so weird to me.

Also, church was good this morning.  I'm still finding it odd that I'm attending a Baptist church, but it's a great one.  I'm thankful to have it in my life.

Food:
10:00  Smoothie (soy milk, spinach, banana, blueberries, strawberries)
1:00  Big slice of lasanga w/ french bread, 20 oz. Diet Coke.
6:00  3 tacos (hard corn shell, Morningstar Farms crumbles, taco seasoning, homemade guac, salsa), and tortilla chips   -this was not a smart move...after not eating much this week, this wasn't a great choice (along w/ the lunch).  Made me feel like shit.

Hey Soul Sister, ain't that Mister Mister on the radio, stereo, the way you move ain't fair you know.  That song goes through my head every time I hear the word, soul.  Of course my inner-stereo has been interrupted by Caleb yelling, "mom, mom."  Yes, Caleb.  "Is it okay if I go to the bathroom?"  I'd give anything to understand how that child thinks :)

I've still got some stomach thing going on, but I've pulled my fat ass out of bed, and I'm going to take it head on.  I think cleaning will make it feel better!  Brian is at Wal-Mart grocery shopping now, so I should go clean out the fridge and get ready, for actual food to enter our home.

So, I've spent the past day trying to take stock of my life, and my role in my actual happiness.  It's a funny thing...that we have the ability to control our level of happiness.  I know I get caught up in taking care of things, fixing things, controlling things...even sometimes my family and friends.  Maybe deep down, if I think I'm helping others, (or hurting without realizing it), I don't have to work on my own shit.  That's over.  I know I'm unhappy living out here in bum fuck Egypt, so I need to put on my big girl britches and address it head on.  I'm going to give myself a schedule this week, that gets me out of the house.  It's 35 mins. to the gym, but I'm commiting to going there 3 times this week.  I may even figure a day where I can make the 2 hour, each way drive to get to Whole Foods and Costco.  I've let myself get caught up in this funk, which is absolutely ridiculous.  I have so many things in my life, that make me rich.  I have a husband that I love, and that loves me back, and actually enjoys spending time w/ me, I have 2 amazing kids, and I have friends and family that can be unmatched.  My therapist helped me to work hard on loving myself, and opening myself up, without a total fear of rejection or pain.  There are reasons all of us have issues, I've just had a hard time getting past some things in my life.  It's silly, really, and weak.  I need to get back to work on myself, and that's what I'm pledging to do.  If you have some of these issues, or whatever issues you may have, I ask you also to put yourself first.  To define what's real in your life, and what makes you happy.  It's so easy to lose sight of sometimes, especially as parents.  I know a lot of times it's hard for me to move forward, not being able to deal with the hand that Cal's been given.  The guilt that comes with that.  The wonder, if it's something I did.  Then the guilt, that it could be so much worse, and why can't I just embrace it totally.  Caleb is so amazing.  I love to see his progress.  I need to just sit back and enjoy it, instead of always thinking big picture, and about the things I can't control.  There's that word again: control.  This control freak, needs to find a way to live without it.  I know it will take this feeling that's always in the pit of my stomach, away from me.

Okay, I've done enough ranting today.  I do want to take this moment to thank Tammi for being there when I needed her, as I knew she would be.  For letting me wake her up at 2:30 a.m., and telling me some things to help me remember that I'm a good person and that I'm worthy.  I should know this myself, but sometimes we need to hear it.  When I needed to hear it, you were there.  Just as I know so many of you guys would be.  This website isn't always easy for me to do, but I'm thankful that it's a way I can always convey to you guys how thankful I am to have you in my life.  I'm not always the best at expressing it, so please always know you all have a special place in my heart.

Enjoy your Sat,

Jen

Food:
10:30  dollar size pancake and green tea (I still feel sick to my tummy)
1:00  bowl of spaghetti
3:00  small bowl of raisin bran w/ rice milk (getting an appetite back)
8:00  Some cheese lasanga (not smart...did not make me feel

Exercise:
4:00  Walk 4 miles

Oh, sleep how I miss you.  Tonight is the night, I know.  I'm going to sleep like a baby.  It's crazy weird.  I haven't been hungry at all.  This is probably a good thing, since we have zero groceries in the house.  There's absolutely nothing fresh in the house.  I made myself eat about 11:15, using our last egg, some dried skim milk, and bisquick, I made some pancakes.  Not great, but I got something in me.  I just dread going "into town" to Wal-Mart.  I hate that store.
I'm excited to begin the last book of the Hunger Games series today.  I'm so addicted!  Have any of you read them?  It's not the type of book I would normally read, but it's totally riveting.
It's been a strange 24 hours or so.  There's been a lot of heavy stuff on the table.  I had to make the decision to put myself first.  I'm not good at this. I rarely do it, and I always admire people who can.  In this case, putting myself first was comforting to the soul.

I still haven't had much of an appetite today.  I'm coming down with something.  I've just been kind of out of it all day.  I've done a lot of reading, which has been nice, though.  I'm 300 pgs. into the final book.  I'm tired, though, and will soon go to sleep....before 9.  I need to fight this off.  Maybe sleep will be just what the Dr. ordered.

Hope you guys have a wonderful weekend.

Love ya,

Jen

Food: 
11:15  pancakes w/ maple syrup 
4:00  Some frozen cheese pizza an

If only that were true, I'd head to Brooklyn right now.  Damn, I'm tired.  I have an interview today, too.  I need to make myself more alert.  I haven't had any caffeine/soda since Mon.  I guess I picked the wrong week to give it up :)

The interview went really well.  It was a full 2 hours.   It's always a good sign when they talk salary at the end of it.  They will be down to two candidates next week, so I'm hoping I"ll be one of them.  It's so weird, interviewing somewhere after being at my previous job for 10 1/2 years.

I haven't been very hungry today.  I've kinda just grabbed a thing here or there.  So, kids, be forewarned:  this is no way to eat : )

Food:
8:00  Slice of whole wheat toast w/ Earth Balance, glass of Pelegrino
10:30  Smoothie (water, spinach, banana, blueberries, strawberries)
2:30  1/2 fish sandwich from Hardee's w/ Large Diet Coke
6:40  3 Rhodes rolls

Exercise:
Not much time today...took Junior for his 1/3 mile walk

Well, I can tell you one reason I didn't marry Brian...his cleaning abilities and desires :)  I came home to house in complete disarray.  I cleaned, cleaned, and when I got pooped, cleaned some more yesterday.  And believe it or not, I've got more to do today.  Oh well, cleaning is a form of therapy for me.  I may as well take advantage of it!
The boys have been all over me to watch our Netflix movies, so they can get theirs off the Que.  So, I watched, "Bad Teacher" last night.  It was bad ass!  It's an absolutely hysterical movie.  It's just the kind of dry, cutting humor that I love.  Have you seen it?  What do you think?
I'm sooooo tired today.  I slept really great from about 11-2:30, and then was awake for a couple of hours.  I guess I need to give my body a break.  I treated it like it was a brewery/distiller for 4 straight mornings to mornings.  Yesterday when I went to p/u the kids from school, I even had the shakes a little bit, when I went to use my cell.  Pa-the-tic.  Hopefully this is the last day of recovery.  Can't wait for my body to feel "normal" again.  I do know that I'll do less today than yesterday.  I was in full tilt mode all day long, running around.


Food
8:00  Smoothie (water, spinach, frozen blueberries, frozen strawberries)
10:30  Slice of whole wheat peanut butter toast
1:00  2 of the small Morning Star Farms "sausage" biscuits
3:30  2 graham crackers
5:45  brown rice w/ mushroom gravy and steamed brocoli and cauliflower
8:00  cup of applesauce

Hello!  I really want to apologize for being MIA for a couple of weeks.  If you're reading this, it means you haven't given up on me.  I truly appreciate this.
I've had some eye opening experiences lately, and I've spent some time thinking about how out of control things have been in my life lately.  One thing that I should have control over is my diet and exercise level.  I plan on taking back some control, starting today.  I had a wonderful smoothie for breakfast, and I swear it's helped to heal my heart, body, and soul.  I need to start doing some things for me, and hopefully this is the beginning of putting myself first.
I just spent 4 days in Vegas w/ girlfriends.  I'm left feeling completely exhausted.  It was certainly a few days of excess.  I don't know really what I want to tell you about what happened, but I need to get it out, so I'll try to be vague, while getting it off my chest.  Nobody has the "perfect" friendship.  Part of being really close to somebody is loving them for everything, the things that bother you and that which makes you different.  Long and short of it, one night exposed these differences and underlying issues, and the alcohol, fatigue, and 2 hardheaded people was kind of a recipe for disaster.  I wish I could change it, but it happened, and I can't do anything about it now.  I was/am crushed...  I feel like I was watching our friendship dissolve, and I was ill-equipped to handle it.  I'm not much of a cry-er.  I've never been the girl that cries at a party, but I couldn't handle the fact that I was losing somebody that is an enormous part of my life.  I cried myself to sleep the next 3 nights (I'm sure the alcohol and lack of sleep played a HUGE part in that).  While it crushed my soul, she seemed indifferent to what was happening to our friendship.  In my worst time, completely bawling, unable to handle any of it in one room, she appeared to be dancing on my grave.  Laughing, having a blast, singing, doing shots....never once making an attempt to talk or check on me.  One thing I know, is that the rolls had been reversed, I would never, ever do that to her.  I don't care what she'd done to me, I could never watch her be in that kind of pain, and not try to help.  There in lies, one of those cracks in the friendship that completely broke open.  Okay, now I've said more than I planned, but I couldn't talk to anyone down there about it (I would never say anything bad about her to anyone, plus, they are her h.s. friends).  I'm not worried she'll read this.  I think the people that care about me, read this, and she isn't one of them.
HOLY SHIT...sorry for unloading.  So, now, moving forward, I'm going to do everything I can to take care of my body, mind, and spirit.  I really have to get myself healthy, in every way.  BTW.  Thank the good Lord for sleep!  While I'm still drained today, I'm a million times better than yesterday.  I was so tired yesterday, I turned Brian down for some Afternoon Delight.  Now, that tells you just how tired I was :)
I love you guys!  Thanks for reading this, and please help to keep me inspired.  It means the world to me.


Food
8:30  Smoothie (Soy milk, banana, spinach, frozen blueberries)
1:45  2 small slices of leftover veggie pizza  (we need groceries in a bad way)
6:45  Smoothie (Water, tons of spinach, frozen peaches, banana)  Alert the presses!  Not really hungry today.
9:30  Finally got really hungry.  I had a Morningstar Farms "sq

Exercise
11:30  Took Junior for 1/3 mile walk, then walked another 1 hour 35 mins.  Felt good!

I can describe this week in three letters: P.M.S.  Holy crap....I've gone through every emotion, cramps, fatigue, you name it.  I've been either eating poorly or not eating at all.  There's been in between, in true Jen fashion (don't you hate it when people refer to themselves in the third person?!)  I did make myself get out and do some walking this week, though.  I've dog-napped Duke twice this week, to throw him the ball.  That's some serious therapy right there.  Duke is Paul's dog.  Paul is from Battle Ground and came out here w/ Brian.  Anyway, Paul is leaving to work in Oregon next week.  I'll miss Paul, but I'm REALLY going to miss Duke :)  There goes our only friend.  Are we really that bad?  Don't answer that ; )
Despite the mofo'ing PMS, I went to a taping of the Rosie O'Donnell show today.  I've always wanted to go to something like that.  It was a fantastic experience!  As always, Rosie was freaking hilarious!  During commercial breaks she stayed out and talked to us, and answered our questions.  I even asked her one!  I told her that my fave X-Mas song is, Merry Christmas from the Family, her version w/ the Dixie Chicks.  I followed up by asking if she was planning on doing her Christmas c.d's again.  She said she would like to do them again, and then talked about how much she loves the DCX and Natalie Maines, in particular.  She also talked about how wrong it was, what they went through over a silly statement about the President.  Anyway, I was so cool to get to ask Rosie a question.  It won't be on t.v. or anything (thank God), as it was during commercial break.  Anyway, we had a great time (I went w/ Amanda, my landlord).
I hope this day finds you well and P.M.S. free.  I'm off to pray to God to release the flow :)

~Jen

Hello, there.  I wanted to let you know I appreciate your comments while I've been gone.  It's nice to know that you believe in me and support me, even when I can't seem to do it for myself.
I've been eating like crap lately, and drinking soda.  It's pathetic.  It's embarrassing.  I want to get back to it, and I honestly don't know why I keep shitting the bed.  I don't even really have the desire to do it now.  It's so stupid.  I don't feel well.  If I eat better and get to walking again, I'll feel better.  It's simple enough.  I don't know why I'm punishing myself like this.  It's almost like I'm afraid to do anything to make myself feel good.  I really need to have some "want" to turn this around.  I'm meeting friends in Vegas in less than 2 weeks.  I can already see the disappointment in their faces when they see me.  They don't get it....and I don't blame them.  Even when I see super obese people, I think Geez, have some pride.  How pathetic is it that I'm judgmental?  What a hypocrite.
Other than a the full out assault on my body that I've been waging, some things have been alright.  I read "The Hunger Games" the other day.  I usually only like love stories, but that book was amaze-balls!  I'd never even heard of it.  Amazon just recommended it, and it was $5, so I thought, what the hell?!  It's apparently part of a trilogy.  I'm going to pick up the other books for the vacation.  It'll be a good way to keep me distracted on the plane, b/c usually the alcohol and ipod aren't quite enough :) 
Brian and I were actually able to get out the other night.  We had a fantastic time.  As Brian was saying, "you're in training for Vegas."  And that was indeed true.  I got smoked....off of Coors Light.  For the first time, since I've been here, I actually had some really fun conversations w/ people.  They were younger kids (probably mid 20's), and we had some awesome laughs.  The next day Brian said, those girls all really liked you.  I told him, they were probably just surprised that the old lady was down for partying w/ them.  To which Brian replied, maybe they thought of you as a mother figure.  LMAO.
Well, today is football.  I'm even skipping church today.  Usually I love it, but today I have zero interest in going.  I'm sure I'll guilt myself all day.  Guess I should've gone.  Hope you guys are having a wonderful weekend!  The boys have tomorrow off for Columbus Day.  I don't think they've ever had that as a holiday before.
Take care.  Love you guys.  Thanks for always being there for me.  I really do appreciate it.

Hello there!  Brian's shoulder is killing him today.  He even had to call in sick, because of it.  It's never hurt him this bad, and that's saying a lot.  The surgeon can't get him in until Thurs. for a cortisone shot.  Poor guy!  Since Brian was unable to work today, I went with him into "town" to get some meds, and then we went to lunch.  Holy shitfire...(and I do mean that in the literal sense) I ate too much!  What the hell?!  It's like I'm in an eating contest lately.  Soon, I'll be applying for a job on Man (or Woman) vs. Food.  Good Gawd....  Once we got home, I went from stretchy jeans to sweat pants.  Is that rock bottom?  There's got to be a great argument that it is indeed, rock bottom.
I got my ticket to Vegas today.  I wasn't sure that I was going to be able to go this year, so it makes it all the more sweeter.  I'm just trying to forget about the fact that I'm leaving on a Sun. morning at 5:40.  I guess there won't be any sleep that night.  Ah, Vegas....love Vegas.  Whenever I go, I just know I won't be able to hang, but then something happens once you land there.  Your body forgets that you're knocking on (insert age here) 40, and thinks that you're 22 again.  Once again, I'm feeling like I'll be this be lame-o that can't hang w/ the girls, but I'll be praying to the Vegas Gods:  Please let me party like it's 1999 (okay that just dated me)...  The only difference is I may have to wear some sort of pad this year, you know in case of leakage :)  I'm so looking forward to seeing my friends.  Man, I'm counting down the days...16 to be exact :)
Okay, it's now nearly 6 hours since I had lunch, and I still don't feel good.  Ugh.
Also, upon further thought, I think hitting rock bottom would have to include buying those pajama/jeans off of the infomercial.  If I ever do that, track me down, and bitch slap me.