Double Fours finally arrived.  It's funny, usually birthdays give me fits.  I get anxiety about being another year older, stress about all of the things I haven't accomplished, etc.  But this year was a bit of an anomaly.  I was on the cusp of going through my normal birthday blues issues, when I just thought-hey! It's double fours.  For some reason the flow of 44 just works for me.  Look, I'll embrace my crazy in this instance.  It's worth it.

I started writing another entry talking about my birthday week and a half, but truthfully it just sounded braggy.  That's not what I wanted to do, but I'll keep it for myself-to help me remember the little things that have made this past couple of weeks so great.  In a nutshell, I was able to see Amy on Grammys night (something we've wanted to do forever), had some great friends/family think of me in great and unique ways, and had a girls weekend getaway with my friend Diana.  Really, it has been really fucking cool. 

The Friday we left for our weekend, I got the results back from x-rays that had been taken on my neck and back.  I had a pinched nerve under my shoulder blade which started the whole thing.  I went in just wanting to feel better with what turned out to be a pinched nerve, but I learned all sorts of crappy things about my neck and back.  I'm told the type of issues I have aren't caused by weight and have been there a long time-likely from sports when I was younger.  After a lot of thought, part of that might be true, but who is kidding who.  The weight I've gained, especially this last year and a half is really mind boggling.  I don't know that many who set out to gain this kind of weight in this amount of time, could actually do it.  If that was my intention, I hit a home run.  Sometimes I see the weight gain, other times I don't care enough to look.  I know it's a result of many things.  Things I need to work on, some of which I can't control.  We will be here for six more years.  I won't change that.  But I've got to start attacking this one day at a time, or even minute at a time.  Sometimes I'll be great for 59 minutes, but then that last minute of that hour I decide to eat/drink whatever.  The saying really is true, "A moment of the lips, a lifetime on the hips."   And in this case---those moments on the lips will always be in my neck and back.

In my thinking about my weight, I've been wondering what would be enough...if anything could ever be enough.  I look back at this picture, and I think, what I wouldn't give to be at that weight again (just 6 years ago)....but I remember this picture.  I remember how horrible I felt when I saw it.  How I only saw the weight, how much more I needed to lose, how much far I needed to go...  I remember wanting to post the pic of Ryne but being horrified by my own image.  This isn't my thinnest, but it sure as hell is nothing compared to today.  And even though there was some there, I was healthy.  I ate healthy.  I was active.  I thought about everything that went into my body.  But even practicing good healthy habits, couldn't quiet the demons in my head about my appearance.  So, moving forward, I need to work on that.  I need to quiet those voices.  The voices are there, whether I'm 100 pounds overweight, or a college athlete.  I need to appreciate the weight loss as it starts to come off.  I'm desperate to feel proud of myself.

Well, I've had a nice, lazy day, but I need to get to it.  The sun is out, and it's actually in the 50's.  It's time to get out and get moving.  Hoping the sun is shining wherever you might be.

~Jen

Elizabeth Gilbert posted this, this morning.  Yes, I know, it's frightening how much I love her. A friend had made this card for another friend of theirs, who was bummed about not having someone on Valentines Day.  I thought this was really sweet.  Admittedly, I'm a bit of a cardo'holic.  Some people like to spend hours looking at and trying on clothes.  That's my worst nightmare.  But, put me in a card aisle and you will lose me for an hour.  Over the years, I've thought about putting cards out.  I think of real cards, like, "Yes, you lost five pounds! Let's celebrate with fries."  Or, of course, something like the card above.  It reminds me of a good friend of mine, and this is something I'd love to say to her.  In fact, I'll probably text it to her later.  She's on the Left Coast, so it's a bit early, but this feels like it was written for her.  I know she has a hard time with today.  The funny thing about VD is, it really doesn't mean much to most people who are in committed relationships.  Late last night, there was a group text between a few friends and I.  I was very excited I was still awake for it (I hadn't stayed up until midnight in a million years).  Anyway, it started with a Cheers shot from a friend with a wine glass we all have.  One was already in bed after hitting her three drink limit earlier, another hanging out with her grandbaby, and me in bed watching SNL with a lightly snoring Caleb next to me (B had fallen asleep on the couch).  We joked about our "exciting" lives and I told them how I'd cleaned my bathroom that night (I seriously do this nearly every Sat night), and one of our friends said she was saving that for Valentines Day.  OMG.  Then we all traded what our VD would look like.  It seriously was my favorite part of the day.  I think VD was really made for like 5% of the population.  For the rest of us, it's just not a big deal.  I love that Cal told me Happy Valentines Day first thing this morning. I love the card that Brian got me, but really today is about Caleb's birthday party.  Whatever it means to you, I hope it brings you what you're looking for. -I guess I'm just thankful B didn't get me a box of chocolates, because who's kidding who...it's 8:23 A.M. and I'd be eating the fuck out of it right now.

Speaking of Chocolate...  I'll update you on the Ice Cream Club.  2/3 of us have been going strong!  The girls have been doing good, while I have not...  I do have to say that I'm doing better than I have, though.  I've been looking at labels, I've made some organic meals, I've had several meatless days, I went a week with only Diet soda...but really there have been more fails than successes.  My period got the best of me, and I haven't been able to really get my shit together since.  But as always, it's at the forefront of my brain.  One of our members had her one year Cross Fit anniversary yesterday.  She loves it so much, and she credits it with making her much happier.  I can vouch for this.  She's been injured lately and hadn't been able to workout much.  She's doing much better now, and the light in her turns up, when she's actually able to workout.  It's so nice to see this.  She's working hard on getting me to move, too.  I just have to do it.  I do...

In one week, my age goes up another year.  I've been thinking a lot about this, this past week.  I don't know why, but 44 seems so much bigger than 43, like monumentally bigger.  So, while the number freaks me out, I'm excited for a change.  43 has been a tough year in a lot of ways.  In fact, it has been one of the toughest years I've ever had.  I'm working through it and in fact, working on doing more than just getting through it--working on thriving.  Most days I do, but there are moments-too many moments, that take me down.  The other night I had three martinis with co-workers after work.  They were delicious.  It was fun, and then it just hits me...that feeling of sadness, that feeling of needing to leave.  I hate that.  I can't tell you how much I hate it when I get his with this shit.  It's fucking bullshit.  It's embarrassing to even say these things happen.  It sucks that I seem to have no control over this stuff.  But I recognize it at least, and when this happens, I know just to leave and not let it get the better of me in front of people.  The good news is, it's been getting better...they are shorter in time.  It didn't ruin my weekend.  It didn't even steal my whole night.  So, maybe this next year, will mean, they hardly ever happen, and when anxiety hits me, it will be over in the blink of an eye.  I know, I'm just talking about the bad things, when my life is really, really great in so many ways.  But I don't need to write that stuff out, that's not stuff I need to work on.  That stuff is always close to my heart.  It's this other stuff, that writing about helps me.  And I know from experience from writing about this stuff, and hearing from some of you, that it helps us feel like we aren't the only ones in the world that go through this.  Here's hoping our anxiety continues to get better...and now that we understand it and the triggers better, we'll get better all the way around.

In honor of the Ice Cream Club (ICC as I've just now decided it can be referred to as), I'll leave you with this Sarah M song.  The last time I saw her in concerts, was shortly before we moved back out here.  I may have had a bottle of wine in me, and my friend Tami, while enjoying the concert, probably didn't love it as much as me.  I've seen Sarah many times, so I kept telling her, get ready, get ready for the sing-a-long.  To me, it's the best.  So, feel free to join Sarah near that end, when she asks you to-it's like magic.  It's a long way down to the place where we started from.

Happy Sunday and Caleb's birthday party day!

Jen

It's Super Bowl Sunday, and even though Peyton (my second all-time favorite player) is playing...it just doesn't hold that magic of a Seahawks Super Bowl.  Just as I started writing this, my friend is texting about the Super Bowl.  She's a Broncos fan and is talking about her plans and how another party opened up, etc.  I told her, "One of the benefits of living out here, is I don't have to worry about what party to go to. #jenpartyofone."  This is why she is my closest friend: "HAHAHAHA Awww that is so sad."  I love it.  Anyway, at the same time we are texting with her sister about the Grammys.  It's Super Bowl Sunday, and I'm way more excited about the Grammys in 8 days.  The three of us do an actual Grammys bracket.  The winner gets a personalized beer glass or something.  You'd think the winner got one.million.dollars the way we get so serious about it.  In fact, Amy and I did this ourselves for years until a few years ago we had her sister join us.  We love her, and nobody could possibly be a real threat to our musical knowledge (yes, that's a joke-but probably how we really think), and you guessed it, Stacy won her first year.  I haven't won since we started the threesome, but this is my year.  Yes, I talk trash just like it's Fantasy Football or something.  Anyway, it's something to think about on this Super Bowl Sunday.  -For someone who loves football so much, I really should be excited about this shit.  Maybe it's that I'm not home and Brian is working. It's just different.

Okay, I started writing this an hour ago, but kids, Jesse, etc. keep pulling me away from it.  Just like anything when you're a parent, it takes a lot of time you hadn't planned for.  I just picked Ryne up from a friend's house.  He spent the night, and Good Gawd....let's just say I suggested he shower as soon as we got home.  If you've ever had a teenage boy, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

So, the photo above is pretty accurate.  I still don't know what the hell I was thinking with this book.  I guess in this case, ignorance really was bliss.  I'm just finishing reading "Big Magic" by Elizabeth Gilbert, though, and she's talking me off the ledge.  Yes, it's like she wrote it just for me... Holy shit, can that woman write.  If I could pick five people to sit around and drink with, she'd definitely be one of them.  She's so fucking smart, but she relates on every level.  Anyway, I'm writing this for me, and I need to keep reminding myself of that.  I get so caught up in what everyone else will think (as I do with every goddamned thing).  If I knew any better, I would've just started with writing short stories or something, but I guess if I did that I wouldn't have this book (even if it isn't ready to publish), that I'm really proud of.  I want to work on it today, but if I do that-it will be my entire day.  I have other things I need to get done.  I wish I could just say-I'm only working on this for one hour, but after that hour-nothing else will be enough to pull me away from it.  And right now, I miss the characters.  Yes, I know it sounds crazy, but I miss them.  I have left Pandora on, when I went to pick up Ryne.  When I came back, "Just the Way You Are," by Billy Joel was playing.  That song, takes me to a scene in the book, that I see unfolding before my eyes.  It's my very favorite scene.  But they'll have to wait until next weekend (I'm telling myself this-so I don't lose myself in the book later-I'm really fighting the urge).

I was able to have a pretty lengthy visit with Sarah yesterday.  I told her how so many of you have been praying for her.  She wanted me to thank you all.  She's working hard.  I'm so proud to know her.  It's a long road...so long, but as she and her husband say, she's still her same stubborn self.  The other night, her dog ratted her out, as she says, when she tried to get out of bed by herself and get to the wheelchair to get ice cream in the middle of the night.  Alex woke up when the dog started barking and caught her red handed.  I love it!  They really are the best couple.  I believe it's no accident that they have the same names as the lead man and woman in my book, even though I met them long after I'd started the book.  So, please continue to keep them in your prayers.

Hopefully you all are able to enjoy this Super Bowl Sunday (or 8 days to Grammys Sunday).  I mean, as my friends and I were talking about this morning, at least it's socially acceptable to drink on a Sunday today.  There's always that, even if you're not a football fan.  So, Cheers! and Go Peyton!

~Jen
Oh, and I didn't know what song I would have for today, but as luck would have it the Air Supply Pandora Gods have just spoken to me, as "Easy" just started.  It is Easy Like Sunday Morning.
-Everybody wants me to be, what they want me to be-I'm not happy when I try to fake it.

Here I am...in my old stomping grounds.  Starting tomorrow, but tomorrow it's real.  I'm not jumping into ETL or something so big I can't wrap my brain around it.  This time, I'm trying to be sensible.  Yes, I've tried being sensible before.  But this is different, this journey began over eating ice cream.  I mean, it's a fresh approach right?  We went over our plan for the week (through Sunday) during...you guessed it lunch.  Our last hurrah.  Yeah, I've had a million of those.  For good measure, we did end it with Dairy Queen, though.  But really, we are both (and actually my friend Diana is doing a version of it with us, too) taking the first step of no more eating out until Friday (that's when everyone goes.)  It may sound like a tiny step, which it actually is, but we eat out nearly every single day.  We both love food, and equally importantly we love getting out of the office.  Secondly, I'm joining a gym tomorrow.  Yes...a gym.  I haven't belonged to one since we moved back out here, and it shows.  I'm also calling a trainer tomorrow.  I'm hoping she can help me figure out my plan to get back in the game.  Thirdly, no meat for three days between now and Sunday.  Sadly, meat has become a part of every day for me.  I don't even love it most of the time...but I'm fat and lazy, and eating meat is just easier (for me anyway.)  I don't have to really plan when I'm eating meat.  Well, I'm going to plan three days, and I'm hoping I'll immediately recognize how much better it makes me feel.  And lastly, no regular pop through Sunday.  These goals are all attainable, and I'm hoping the first step in many steps back to good health.  My hope is that each week I add to these changes until it's all healthy.  I'm trying not to scare myself off ;)  And it feels really good to have people to do this with.

I received the latest professional edit on the book this morning.  I haven't gone through much of it yet, but I did read her letter (notes).  It's really promising in a lot of ways.  I felt great through the first page...  The second page addressed some stuff I know I need to work on, and I felt fine with that.  The third page had some suggestions of what I should add to help tie things together (but I don't know that I agree with all of them...), but more importantly the last paragraph ended with, "I don't think this book is ready for publishing."  She explained this is a hot genre right now (who knew?) and you only get one shot with the agents.  It needs to be tighter.  So, I've been sitting on those words all day.  I'll admit, I was a little teary eyed when I read it, but there were no actual tears.  The words sting.  I really thought I was at the end.  But I guess, I should be grateful for her encouraging words, the fact that she enjoyed the story, the characters, had emotion, etc.  And she didn't say, it's a huge pile of shit and needs lots more attention.  Looking at the Silver Lining I guess.  So, the timing of getting this today and hearing from the bff and that she finished this latest revision tonight, were fate.  She helped to talk me off the ledge.  As she says, "It's a real damn novel."  I'll take that.  I've always been fortunate to surround myself with the right people.  Those words amongst others, were just what I needed to hear.  So, I'll take tonight to lick my wounds a little more, before getting on the horse tomorrow.  Sara and Molly (the main characters) will be calling tomorrow, and I need to woman up and answer.

I hope this day found you well.  You made it through Monday.  Congratulation!

I'll leave you with "Hey Cinderella" by Suzy Bogguss.  I told the Ice Cream Club the story of a drunken Jen meeting Suzy after a show and going on about this song.  Anyway, they didn't know the song.  I can't fault the 21 year old, or the other one who didn't grow up with parents who were disc jockeys.  It's another song about growing older  Who needs Cinderella anyway?! We're older now but no more the wise. We learned the art of compromise.  Sometimes we laugh.  Sometimes we cry.  And sometimes we just breakdown.

~Jen