Life continues to move at a super hectic pace.  The weekend was really a nice break, though.  We didn't have any games and just one baseball practice.  We spent the weekend around the house just hanging out together. For Father's Day, we made Brian a nice breakfast.  It was simple, but it was as nice as can be.  The weather also worked out for us.  The sun makes all the difference!

It's only "hump day," but this week has been insane.  Monday was Brian and my 18th wedding anniversary (21 years together). We weren't able to do
anything, as Ryne had a double header.  We were at the ball fields for over 5 hours.  Boy, was Caleb happy....not.  Last night Cal had a double header, but thankfully his games don't last as long. You couldn't tell by how put our Ryne was by being there, though.  haha. That kid.

Work has continued to kick my ass.  The anxiety the job can give me is tremendous.  I can't wait to look back on this time and think, gee, how was it ever that bad.  That may come via me getting more comfortable, or by moving on.  Either way, there has to be light at the end of the tunnel.  I had so much anxiety before work on Monday morning that I actually puked a little before
the drive.  Sucks...

As I said, our anniversary was a couple of weeks ago.  Having a milestone such as an event like this one, really makes me think about the marriage as a whole. 
I've also thought a lot about my wedding and the time leading up to it, too.  I know I'm not the easiest person to live with. Good God do I know this, but Brian has done an awesome job of standing by me whatever storm might be passing in this stupid head of mine.  There's nobody on this earth that loves
me more unconditionally, that's for certain. 21 years later, I still can freak myself out by thinking about "forever."  But on the other hand, I never see a future without him. He is my future.  He is the biggest part of my life.  The best
thing I've ever done, is marry the guy.  For real.  Brian is a great guy, friend, husband, and father.  I'm lucky to have the whole package with him.

We are still waiting on our "news."....  Dear God, we better have an answer this
week.  On another note, it does appear that the house actually did sell this time. Supposedly the bank the accepted the offer, but we are still waiting on
the acceptance letter from the bank.  I have some really mixed emotions about it all. It's way beyond time.  I'm  certainly ready to put this chapter behind us. On the other hand, the timing may totally suck....  If you live in the Vancouver area, don't be surprised if we have to call and ask for help
moving....  I'm not good at asking for help, but we may have to.

When I powered up the laptop to write this, I saw that James Gandolfini
died at age 51.  Crazy, but not so crazy.  I know what the bad eating does to your heart.  I swear, I'm worried it's going to happen to me.  Very worried...  I have got to get this under control.

I hope this over the hump day, finds you all well.

I'll leave you with the song from our wedding, 18 years ago.


Much Love,


Jen



I like the feel of your name on my lips
And I like
the sound of your sweet gentle kiss
The way that your fingers run through my
hair
And how your scent lingers even when you're not there

And I
like the way your eyes dance when you laugh
And how you enjoy your two hour
bath
And how you convinced me to dance in the rain
With everyone
watching like we were insane

But I love the way you love me
Strong
and wild
Slow and easy
Heart and soul
So completely
I love the
way you love me

I like to imitate old Jerry Lee
And watch you roll
your eyes when I'm slightly off key
And I like the innocent way that you
cry
At sappy old movies you've seen hundreds of times

But I love the
way you love me
Strong and wild
Slow and easy
Heart and soul
So
completely
I love the way you love me

And I could list a million
things
I love to like about you
But they all come down to one reason

  I could never live without you

I love the way you love me
Strong
and wild
Slow and easy
Heart and soul
So completely
I love the
way you love me
Oh baby I love the way you love me

This work week has continued to be better than most. The managers all came back today, but my boss had to leave for personal reasons.  The day has been nice and productive.  Ah, Try has just come on Pandora. This song never gets old for me.
Caleb had a double header the other night.  They’d played two games this season and lost both going into it.  That did not sit well with Cal.  He has a very hard time with losing.  We’ve worked on it in therapy for years, but he’s still got the worst attitude out there. It was funny as he hit a grounder to the pitcher who threw the lead runner out at second.  This meant that Caleb was safe at first.  He threw his arms up in the air and started jumping up and down. 
OMG… We were dying…  It’s good to see him so excited, but he’s going to have to really grasp the whole concept of the game soon.  The other team had a woman coach.  She would come out and coach first base, which was right in front of where we were sitting.  I’m not shitting you: she was the total doppelganger for my friend, Pandi.  I even took a picture and text it to her.  I watched this girl and I was so impressed.  She was in decent shape, but not great.  But she had this confidence about her.  A confidence that allows her to go out in front of everyone and coach a group of kids.  There’s no way I could do that right now.  My confidence, in everything,  is shattered.  This lady was an inspiration, though.  I just imagined being able to throw on sports shorts, a tee-shirt, throw my hair up, and have not a care in the world.  I’ve been thinking a lot about that, since that night. Anyway, Cal’s team tied that game, and then they won their next game.  He was pretty damn pumped.  He had to explain to us that they were now, 1-2-1.  Haha.  All about numbers with that kid.

Ryne was scheduled to pitch last night.  We weren’t sure if he’d be playing, as the weather forecast was calling for a nasty storm.  I was just about to leave work, when I received a tornado warning on my phone. We determined that I’d be okay going my way home.  As I was on my drive the weather kept getting worse and worse, but behind me always looked worse than what I thought I was seeing ahead. (The picture if from before everything started to get super insane).  It started to get really terrible.  It sounded like bombs were going off
beside me.  I was literally in the middle of nowhere.  I was looking for a church or anything to pull into, but I was on the 2 lane country roads,  completely surrounded by corn.  After a while, it started raining so hard that I couldn’t see
anything.  The sound of the rain on the top of my car was so eerie.  I started getting blown around the road a bit.  I don’t know how much of it was from the wind and how much from all of the water on the road.  I just knew I was going to wreck…I was going to wreck, and then someone was going to hit me.  I just kept hoping I’d make it to this little town of Stillman Valley (which I later heard
had a tornado warning specific to their town).  I was so happy to finally get into
town, but as soon as I did the sky started to clear up.  I’d gone through the worst part.  It was easily one of the scariest moments of my life.  I was so wiped once I got home, after the adrenaline wore off, I slept for 2 ½ hours.  I probably would’ve slept longer, but HP called, and the phone woke me up. 
Anyway, I honestly thought there was a chance I was going to die yesterday.  I know it sounds dramatic, but fucking A….  Scary, scary stuff.  The weirdest thing for me about it all, was when I look back on it, I don’t remember praying….   I try to pray at least twice a day, sometimes more, sometimes I actually forget. But really I credit God for all of the good in my life.  But in my time of need, I don’t remember turning to him.  I find that very unsettling.  

I ended up having a really nice chat with HP, as always. There are very few
people in our lives that really get us and love us no matter what.  I’m so lucky that she’s one of those people for me.

Well, the weather is cleared up today, in many ways :)I hope you all are having a wonderful day.  1 more day to Friday.  Whoot
Whoot.


Thankful to be
here,


Jen

What do you know?  It’s 10:00 on a Tuesday, and I’m doing the blog :) Yep, I’m making time.  Well, the opportunity to make time is here, as a lot of the managers are at a conference this week.  This means, no meetings, and a lot less interruption at every turn.  Ah, I actually don’t mind my job when it’s like this.  Yesterday was nice, too, as I have part time (3 days a week) help that started in the warehouse.  The great thing is, he is smart and catches on quick. 
The drawback is….he’s my boss’ son.  Yes, you heard that right….  But for now, I’m just going to enjoy the fact that this week is far less hectic, and I feel like I can actually have time to breathe.  Feels good.

Hopefully today we will find out more about Brian’s  opportunity.  So far, it all looks like a go…  In a way, it’s a “be careful what you wish for” type of scenario.  I’m very excited, but there’s a ton that goes with it, and lots of those dreaded grown up decisions.  I hate those…and I hate that I’m always the one that seems to have to make them.  But in this case, beggars can’t be choosers, and this will be best in the end, I believe. In the meantime, it’s driving me crazy
that it’s all taking this long.  I obsess on things (bet you didn’t know that, did you ;).  I’ve had way too much time to think about this.  I’m waiting for everything to be decided, so I can move forward to the actual planning stages.  I’m unable to make any other plans for the summer, until we get this all figured out.  In the meantime, I’ll continue to buy my $2 lotto tickets.  I want to travel in the worst way.  There’s so many places that Brian and me haven’t seen, and it’s been far too long since we’ve been to Tahoe.  I guess traveling will be the theme in my head today.  It’s a fun game.  Just think of all the places you’d love to go and imagine yourself there.  I guarantee it’ll be better than sitting in an office, without windows, while the sun is shining outside.  We’ve never been to
Hawaii.  I think that would be first on our list.  The boys would love it there, too.  They’ve seen it enough on the Nick channel.  Haha.  I would love to take
Brian to New York, too.  It’s so different than anything I’d ever experienced.  I’d love for him to see it, too.

I saw myself in the mirror this morning.  I mean, I really saw myself.  I don’t even recognize myself anymore.  It breaks my heart.  It kills me, that I’m making it worse and not better.  OMG…  kills me. I have got to get this eating under control.  I’ve definitely been a lot more active, but the eating and soda are at its worst. Laura and I went on an hour and a half hike on Sun.  It
felt so good to be out there, being active, soaking in the fresh air.  It totally kicked my ass, too, but that’s a good thing. Jesse loved it, too.  I’m guessing she’s never had that much activity.  She was dragging near the end.  So, I’ve
got some pieces of getting back in shape in place, but the biggest is still my
downfall.  I have got to pull my head out of my fat ass, plain and simple.  I think my self-esteem is at an all-time low right now. I feel like I’m doing nothing right…..nothing.  So, if I get the eating under control, hopefully it will bleed over into other areas of my life.

Speaking of Jesse: this morning she chewed up a bra and a  bible.  I know she’s just a pup, but somehow I would think even a dog would know not to f with a bible.  I’m sure God will forgive her.  She’s too cute, not to.

Have a wonderful day. Thinking about many of you today.
Love,
Jen

Oh, I heard this song this morning on my drive into work.  I’ve heard this song a bajillion times, but it had been a while, and I loved re-recognizing the brilliance of Sheryl Crow and her lyrics.  Feel free to sing along.

"If It Makes You Happy"


I've
been long, a long way from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitos,
And drank til I was thirsty again
We went searching through thrift store
jungles
Found Geronimo's rifle, Marilyn's shampoo
And Benny Goodman's
corset and pen

Well, o.k. I made this up
I promised you I'd never
give up

[Chorus]
If it makes you happy
It can't be that
bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad

You
get down, real low down
You listen to Coltrane, derail your own train

  Well who hasn't been there before?
I come round, around the hard way

  Bring you comics in bed, scrape the mold off the bread
And serve you french
toast again

Well, o.k. I still get stoned
I'm not the kind of girl
you'd take home

[Chorus]

We've been far, far away from
here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitos
And everywhere in between

  Well, o.k. we get along
So what if right now everything's
wrong?


 

As per usual, work absolutely kicked my ass this week.  Every second I feel like I'm swimming against the current.  But hey, I made it through another week!  Yay me!  Friday night found me meeting my friend Laura after work and then my former boss met up with us after a bit.  I work with nearly all men, so it was so nice just to get out with the girls.  We had some great laughs.  It had been a long week, and I was wanting to get home early, to spend some time with the family.  Marie and I left and she says, "isn't that Adam?"  Too funny...directly
across the street from our local watering hole is a golf course.  4 of my coworkers were over there, so crossed the street and chatted them up on the course.  While we were there, another coworker called to see if I were still out and said he would come meet up with me.  I think I've mentioned him on here before, we call him "F."  His name is Phil, but for whatever reason when he first started I'd introduce he as "Phil with an F."  He's a super smart kid and in his early 20's.  We just click.  Anyway, so there went my plan to leave early.  We hung out for a while, and he was cracking me up.  He was telling me about...oh crap, what's it called...face chat or crap....I'll have to look at my phone. 
Apparently I was the last to hear about this app.  It allows you to send video or pictures texts of sorts, but they disappear after a certain amount of time that you've picked (like 5 or 10 seconds).  He was telling me that you basically text by this app now, in lieu of regular texts. He said if someone asks you a question, you respond with a picture of you shrugging your shoulders or what have you. Sounds like a riot.  I guess there's some more motivation to lose weight. I told him I would have to use my dog Jesse for all of mine.  Anyway, he talked me into putting the app on my phone, and it makes you choose a username. Now let me tell you....I know better than to choose a username after having a couple of drinks.  I'm forever  "fingerlickinggood" on my cousin's in-laws football pool.  Yeah, it was funny to me and Brian (2 years ago) when I set it up while we were deep into a night at Buffalo Wild Wings.  But in the light of day...it's quite embarrassing.  So, oh yeah, it's called "snapchat."  I was thinking of all of our famous Jeff Gordon cutout photos, while choosing my name. 
"Inappropriatejw" is now my user name....funny at the time, but when I
look at all of my contacts (pulled over I think from fb), their names are like,
sarasmom, just their name, or some other respectable username.  And then there's me....now forever linked to my stupid name. Well, maybe not....  Maybe I can change it?  I guess I need to add, don't choose public usernames to things I shouldn't do while drinking.  Damn, that list is getting long!  After drinking water for a couple of hours, I decided it was time to finally go home, once again, as I'm leaving a couple more friends from work came in.  I stayed a while to visit with them, but I was responsible and stuck to the water.  It turned out to be a really fun way to end the work week from hell.  We all kind of feel the same about things, so it's good to have ppl who understand what work is doing to you.  I think our plant single handedly keeps the IL state lotto in business.  We all keep dreaming!

This morning, Ryne had to be at the ball fields an hour and a half before the game.  Brian went too, as he's the asst coach.  Cal and I took Jesse out for a walk this morning before heading off to the games.  What a gorgeous day! 
Perfect day to take in some baseball.  Ryne is finally really starting to enjoy playing this season.  He esp loves that Brian is coaching.  And let me tell you, Brian absolutely loves coaching.  He's so good with the kids!  I love watching him coach, as he's just really, really happy. Ryno's playing first base, and I've been really impressed with his play  this season.  He's always been a good hitter, but he's never been a great fielder. This season, it's all opposite. His hitting is missing..but hopefully he finds it soon.  He did get an RBI today, though.  He was so happy.  Oh man, their team is pretty terrible, though. 
I think they're 0-4.  It's going to be a long season!  Cal is also playing.  He really is loving it.  He got an infield hit the other day, and he literally jumped up and down on first base with his hands in the air.  The crowd loved it.  He gets such support from the parents.  His expressions are usually so deadpanned, that it's awesome when he gets excited. On the downside, he gets super pissed when things don't go their way.  They aren't very good, so I'm thinking we are going to see his ugly side a time or two.  Haha.  A chip off the old block as they say.

So, it's Sat night, and I'm typing this blog, while listening to the Air Supply station on Pandora. It's my new fave station.  I'm not in any sort of mood, where this type of music is having an emotional impact on me or anything. 
I seriously just like turning it up and singing along.  The only drawback, is there's maybe a little too much Peter Cetera for my liking.  I'm not a big fan of his solo stuff, unless it's The Next Time I Fall (In Love) which is playing now. 
It's nice and quiet down in the living room, as Brian's asleep.  Caleb does keeps coming down every few minutes to relay some NASCAR facts or talk about the tablet that I just ordered for him (he saved his own money for it), though. A breeze if finally starting to come through the open windows and cool the house down.  Really, it's been a wonderful day.  I'm looking forward to more of the same tomorrow.  

I hope this weekend is bringing you all much happiness.  It's there for our taking.  We (myself included...) just need to keep remembering that and living in the present. Here's to a weekend full of self awareness, love, and forgiveness where needed.


Love,


Jen


Here's a little Air Supply for ya.  You know you want to crank it up.  Go on, "you can do it!"


I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you
till it hurts
I know you hurt too, but what else can we do?
Tormented
and torn apart

I wish I could carry your smile in my heart
For
times when my life seems so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow
could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know


  I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right,
believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you?
I
can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

I want you to come back
and carry me home
Away from these long lonely nights
I'm reaching for
you, are you feeling it too?
Does the feeling seem oh so right?


  What would you say, if I called on you now
Saying that I can't hold on

There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be
gone... I'll be gone

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you

  I know you were right, believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am
I without you?
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

What
are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
What are you thinking
of?
What are you thinking of?

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost
without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of
love, what am I without you?
I can't be too late, I know I was so wrong


I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right
believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you?
I
can't be too late, I know I was so wrong

I'm all out of love, I'm so
lost without you
I know you were right, believing for so long
I'm all
out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so
wrong

This has been an insane week. 
I'm not really sure where to start...  I haven't been feeling well since last
Sun.  It's almost terrible allergy
like, but it's really kicked my ass. 
One night, I got home from work about six and went straight to bed.  It was the only night that I didn't
have to get the kids to baseball.  I literally didn't get up until the next day. 
Crazy.  A full week later, I still don't feel good.  I got a decent night of sleep, though.  So, I am feeling a little better.  My Mom started getting allergies in her 40's.  I'm praying I'm not somehow allergic to the dog.  It's probably just some
crappy illness.  Maybe it's even my hormones.  I feel the way I feel going into a bad period.  It's a little early, but who knows..  Hopefully that's all it is.

Jesse has certainly kept us on our toes this week.  She is a total sweetheart, but she is chewing EVERYTHING....  I had errands to run yesterday morning, and while I was out, I noticed that the corner pocket of my sweats had been chewed out.  At this weight, there isn't much that fits (and even those were fat pant
purchases), so I'm making sure to have my 2 (that's all....) pairs of jeans that
fit okay out of reach.  She's really starting to feel at home now.  She is such a fantastic addition to our family.  She's also been forcing me to get out and walk her, even when I haven't been feeling good.  I need that push.

We're still waiting on some important news for Brian.  Hopefully tomorrow we'll have some direction.  Fingers and toes crossed....

This week has brought more of the crazy ass Midwest weather.  Tornado sirens don't go off too often around here, but two went off in one night.  Caleb was a wreck.  He was screaming, "this is how it ends.  We are going to die."  It was very hard to calm him down.  Thank God for his obsession with Candy Crush. 
It finally took his mind off of things for a bit, while we were down in the basement.  With the storms, Cal slept in my room, twice this week.  Plus, I've been sick, so Brian has slept on the couch a couple of nights.  The other night he finally slept in here, and I'm not one that loves to be touched when I'm trying to sleep, as I can never get comfortable.  But I was so grateful once he was back in here, and thankful to have his arm around me.  I loved it. I missed it.

For the umpteenth time, it appears the house might be selling.  I don't want to get my hopes up, since we've been down this road so many times.  I know better than to believe our realtor.  It will be nice to have it behind us, but it could be terrible timing. If all goes well, the closing probably won't jive with our plans to visit Vancouver this summer.  So, our timing might be altered, which would suck, since we're trying to coordinate with my AZ in-laws.  The stress of this house....good Lord, I hate it.  

Okay, I've written 3 paragraphs now, and I found myself deleting each one.  Why did I choose to tell people I know about this blog? Anonymity would make some things so much easier!  I'll just say that this week has been a draining one in terms of trying to sort through some relationship dynamics.  Okay, that makes it sound like it's something weird.  Family dynamics to be more exact.  I find myself in the same place I was 7 years ago, when I made certain decisions about who I wanted in my life (really, the first time I ever made a decision based on what was best for me at the time).  It's all come back up again, and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm very saddened by the situation. I have a lot of issues when it comes to this one relationship, and I still don't know what the best thing to do is. There are so many variables when it comes to family.  It's not just as simple as it just being about you.  There are other peoples feelings to consider.  I can tell you: I wish this were easy, but it's not.  There has been a ton of thought about all of this, this week.  Many days later, I've done nothing.  I have no answers.  I just have an overall sadness.

Yep, lots going on this week.  I've been pulled in a million directions.  Work continues to kick my ass and steal my family time.  So, I'm so very grateful for this weekend. Yesterday I was able to get some important errands run.  I had Cal with me, as Brian (who is now a coach) and Ryne had baseball practice. It was nice to take Cal out to a nice breakfast and after take him to an authentic barber shop.  The barber had to be in his 70's.  He was great with Cal and really put some good time in on Cal's hair. It was so very Mayberry.  I loved it, and Cal really liked him.  We left  and Cal told me he wants to go back.  The whole experience was so great, until I noticed Cal's hair in the light later....  Holy shit did he miss some spots!  lol  But you know what, I'll probably take him back again.  

You can well imagine what my house looked like, with me being sick all week.  Yesterday was nice for me to be able to get some of it cleaned up. We are so busy during the week, that I worked really hard on swallowing my resentment about the house looking like it did.  Thank God I was able to get over it by evening time.  Brian made tacos and burritos and the family played Life (always a good idea, until you start the game...goes on forever :)  

I must say yesterday brought me something better than anything else I'd
experienced that day....sobering thoughts about my weight.  Thoughts are always there about my weight.  Always.  But yesterday I think I made some good progress in my head.  This is going to sound so silly...but I held the fat yesterday...I wrapped my hands around it. I moved it around.  I owned it....  I did this.  I need to fix it.  It's plain and simple.  I've been lost in my head lately.  I can't do that.  Physically and mentally I'm becoming something I'm ashamed of.  It has to stop.  It has to.  I can't live like this.  Only I can change it.  I pray to God that I will.

Sara Bareilles has a new c.d. out.  I think it will be my next album purchase.  The first single is called, Brave. I haven't heard it all that many times, but the first time was on Sirius.  She sang it with just her and the piano.  I loved the
message.  I pray that we all will
be Brave.  I truly
do.


Much Love,


Jen


You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a
drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of
love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way
that words do
And they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and
no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if
you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out

  Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And
let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just
wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna
see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I
just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been
there, everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear
and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop
holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live

  Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your
brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out

  Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And
let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave


  Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you
think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you
tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall
out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave


  I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I
wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna
see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you
be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just
wanna see you