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42 is the new 68

10/21/2014

I've made the executive decision to not weigh myself tomorrow. I'll weigh in next week, and it will be good. I just don't know that I can deal with seeing a gain this week. I've done poorly several days in a row, and I need to do better. I will.

I'm not sure if I've said anything about how bad my knees have been hurting or not, but SOB it's been bad. While I love how the running made me feel (mentally), as well as extending the walk to 4 miles a day. My knees have been unforgiving, esp. the knee I had microfracture surgery on. They hurt so bad, I took the weekend off of walking. I had x-rays done today which show osteoarthritis in both fucking knees. Mother fucker. Really?! I'm really frustrated, because I know people (older people....) with arthritis and it's a nightmare. H.P. did say the greatest thing, though: "You've been peeing your pants for years. Are you surprised about arthritis?" Love it. Thank God for good friends! I'm giving myself today to be a big baby about it and feel sorry for myself. Tomorrow I'll put on my big girl panties (Granny panties) and get over it. On the 4th, I'm getting an injection on one knee, a week later, the other. They really help my mother-in-law, so I've got my fingers crossed. It would be so nice to be able to continue pushing myself physically. I realize there may be more to my knee problems than arthritis, but hopefully that's the only thing.... The bottom line is, my knee problems are probably a result of this fat I carry around. The Dr. will say it could be other things, but I know in my heart of hearts, if I were thin, I likely wouldn't have these issues.

I've got to run the kiddo to practice. Hope you're all having a great night!

Jen

Looking back to look forward...

10/20/2014

My head has not been in its best place lately. It's not in a bad place. It's just not where it should be. I haven't been eating well since last week. It started with, oh, it's just one meal, to it's just one day, to one more day, to one more day, and so on. "I'll start tomorrow." So, here I am. Starting tomorrow. I haven't gone completely crazy. There's been no regular soda or ice cream, but there's been fast food and Chinese. Ugh. I feel like utter shit when I eat like this. We went to Red Robin (which I love, because they'll do any burger with a Gardenburger patty) and of course pigged out. One would think I wouldn't have needed to eat again that day, but no... I had my leftover Chinese for dinner. OMG, I felt so sick that night. So, yesterday I thought I'd get my shit together. No...more poor eating choices and today, more of the same. It's time to put a stop to this.

This weekend I was looking through pictures, trying to find my picture of zip lining in Vegas. I wanted some inspiration. This picture is from that same trip. I remember being so very unhappy with my weight at this point. Man, what I'd give to be "that fat" right now. Seeing the pictures from just 3-4 years ago (4 years ago esp.) was super depressing actually. It wasn't inspiring like I'd hoped. To get to that fat weight, which was pretty fat, I need to lose another 30 pounds or so. This is after I've already lost 18. That sucks. But at least I'm 18 pounds closer than I was less than 2 months ago. (although I'm sure I've gained this past week :( Anyway, just as much as mourning the weight gain, I mourned the person I was. Now, I've never been a person that's naturally happy. I've always had to and always will have to work at it. But I enjoyed the moment so much more not that many years ago. This picture was taken on a Vegas trip I took with my friend Caity to celebrate our 40th birthdays. Mind you, we'd been drinking, a lot, but this guy is actually playing live music with his band. I got up there and did this. I DID. Most would probably look at this and be embarrassed. Not me. I actually like it. I love that I was fearless. It reminds me of a time I put myself out there. I rarely do that anymore. I find that sad. I want to be a better version of the self I used to be. So, here's hoping the obsessive thinking about it the past few days will actually benefit me. Haha. I'll get there. I know I will. I have brushes with the "fun girl." I really do, but she never stays very long. Lord knows she can't hold it together for an entire night or trip, but she comes out a little bit. Even that is a step forward from where I was. I'll take it. I've got to keep working on my own story. Life's a book, write it however you'd like.

Here's hoping you've been healthier than I've been lately. We only have our health. It's the most important thing in our lives. Yes, more important than anything....

Here's hoping you're having a pleasant Monday.

~Jen
Be Okay (by Oh Honey)
Fresh cut grass, one cold beer
Thank the Lord I am here and now, here and now
Summer dress, favorite park
Bless your soul, we are here and now, here and now

I'm wide awake, so what's the point of dreaming when your life is great?
Celebrate the feeling, celebrate the feeling

Can't complain about much these days, I believe we'll be okay
Oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh
Can't complain about much these days, I believe we'll be okay
Oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh
We're sleeping out, I believe we'll be okay

Sun kissed skin on my lips
Thank the Lord I am here and now, here and now
Fireflies after dark
Bless your soul, we are here and now, here and now

I'm wide awake, so what's the point of dreaming when your life is great?
Celebrate the feeling, celebrate the feeling

Oh! Can't complain about much these days, I believe we'll be okay
Oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh
Can't complain about much these days, I believe we'll be okay
Oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh
We're sleeping out, I believe we'll be okay

We'll be okay
We'll be okay

Can't complain about much these days, I believe we'll be okay
Oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh

Oh! Can't complain about much these days, I believe we'll be okay
Oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh
Can't complain about much these days, I believe we'll be okay
Oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh
We're sleeping out, I believe we'll be okay

Songwriters
CHRISTIAN MEDICE, PHOEBE RYAN, MITCHELL COLLINS, DANIELLE BOUCHARD, LAWRENCE PRINCIPATO, DENIS LIPARI

Published by
Lyrics © BMG PLATINUM SONGS

Fuckety Fuck, Fuck.

10/16/2014

I was able to get 4 miles in this morning. I didn't jog, as my knees were really killing me. I have to be smart, I guess. It's a fine line between being a pussy and hurting myself. Hopefully, I'll get it all figured out. Nonetheless, I feel good about 4 miles. I ran (well walked) into Elizabeth again today. This time we chatted a bit. I had to go, so it was only a few minutes, but she's pretty cool. She told me she runs, so she doesn't drink. lol. My kinda gal!

It was my first solo day of volunteering. Holy shit... I'll keep going, but for the most part, it's so hard...so, so hard (that's what she said). Really, I saw something really disturbing and wouldn't even feel right talking about it. Heartbreaking. This type of volunteering isn't what I had in mind, when I started. Hopefully, I can learn to deal with this better.

Well, Ryno didn't make either team in basketball. I'm so devastated for him. I truly am heartbroken... He's handling it fairly well. He's even stated he would like to be the team manager. He's hoping that would help him make the team next year. Brian's not to keen on the idea, but I really like it. I love that he still wants to be involved. Plus, it's still being part of a team. I really think of that as a positive. I took him to McDonald's (I know...sending a terrible message) tonight to help lighten his mood. I'm glad we were able to do that together. I totally shit the bed though, as I had a filet-o-fish meal. Let me tell you, that sandwich tasted like shit. It was dumb. I shouldn't have done it, but it's now in the past. Yep. I'm still a stress eater....but I'm aware of it, and want better for myself, which is a huge fucking step from the disaster I can be.

Tomorrow is going to be a good, busy day. I'm ready for the weekend! Happy Friday to you all. Hope you are able to make the most out of your Friday! Let's all try not to shit the bed, too much.

~Jen

Week 6. Good things come in 3's.

10/15/2014

It's drizzly outside, and that makes for decent walking conditions. I can live with a little rain. It's the wind that makes me a little crazy. One thing about me, is I really love routine. There aren't a lot of people who use the park where we walk, but I love seeing the same faces. Most of them are really friendly and seem to enjoy seeing us, too. This morning it was just Jesse and I. Our walking partner has had other commitments, so lately we've been on our own most of the time. I don't mind at all. I enjoy trying to push myself and having my little talks in my head. This morning, I saw this one lady who we usually see once or twice a week. She's a really pretty, Asian gal. One day she had a stroller with a toddler and Jackie asked how old her baby was. She explained it was her grandson. Jackie almost fell over. This gal does look really young. Good for her! Anyway, we said, "hello" this morning as usual. She is a fast runner, so I know she'll lap me at some point, but I was working hard, to limit the number of times it occurred. I know...but in these instances, my crazy competitiveness is a good thing. It drives me. I'm not going to ever be faster than her, but I want to be less slow than I have been, if that makes sense. Anyway, she's hauling ass, as usual, and as she approached me for the second time lapping me, she says, "come run with me. I can't finish if you don't push me." I started running, and she introduced herself, and said she loves that I have usually have someone to walk with and it's great I have a dog. She said it's hard for her to be motivated sometimes. It's funny. When you're heavy, you just assume it's easy for people who are totally fit like her. You almost forget, that they're human. She said, she noticed I was jogging on some of the laps. So, I ran with her, as fast as I could. The knee only allows for so much. But it was a lovely run, and it was over twice the distance I usually run, at a time. I just looked at how much I typed, explaining what happened. But truly....it meant so much to me. I find her so inspiring. At this weight, I honestly don't feel human. I feel like I don't belong, anywhere. I love that she treated me like a fellow athlete, even though I'm so far from that. I have to say: it made my day.

I'm not so much of a morning person, and I needed to start earlier in order to get my 4 miles in. Instead, I only allowed time for 3 miles. I must say it was a good 3 miles, though. I pushed myself, and added the jogging to every lap. From there, I busted ass to get home and showered and off to my first day of volunteering at the elderly care facility. I must say, it was emotionally pretty hard. As the director explained, most of their residents are "low functioning." It was gut wrenching to see people in the condition they are in. Most of the residents couldn't make eye contact, if they even opened their eyes. I welled up with tears when the director asked a resident if she wanted to sing. The resident was chewing on a towel. Anyway, the director sang, and the resident started to mouth some of the words. I found it so very heartbreaking. I thought of this woman, and how much she must've loved singing, and now her mind/body just aren't there to enjoy it, anymore. I did meet a couple of people, who should be able to engage in conversation. I figured I'd dive right in, and start the volunteering solo tomorrow. I'll be reading to residents in a one on one setting. I'm really hoping I'm a strong enough person to do this. I know it could be rewarding to my soul.

I had the meeting with the special ed dept. today, for Cal. It went really well. I warms my heart to see how much the staff seems to enjoy working with our son. I don't think I'll ever love living in IL, but it really was the right move for us. The school system is exceptional.

Boy, I was nervous coming into the weigh in this morning. I was down 3 lbs! So, I got down below that number. Now, onto the next. I'm trying really hard to be excited about 3 lbs. I have to let go of the old me, who was never satisfied. I'm down 18 pounds now from my heaviest. Even with this, I'm still super heavy for me. By this, I mean, even super fat for when I am fat. I'd love to weigh in next week and be down another 18, but that's not the way it works. I need to appreciate what I've done. My friend Tammi called today, and she was such a great cheerleader when I told her of my loss for the week. She really did help to get my mind in a better place. Since talking to her, I just keep thinking of (3) lb. tubes of hamburger. I lost that!

So far today, I'm so happy for 3 things that have brought joy to my heart: meeting Elizabeth, who pushed me harder than I've been pushing myself, my 3 mile walk, and the 3 lb. weight loss. I have more than those things to be grateful for today, but I'm exceptionally grateful for those things.

Well, I'd better get to working on the book. I'm getting closer to the end, and I really would like to finish it before I get a jobby job.

I hope you all have a wonderful day. What are your 3 things?

~Jen

WTF happened to my last post? And "running."

10/14/2014

So, I noticed when I got on here, that my last post was missing. What the fuck? I mean, it had to be the best one I'd ever done, right? Let's just pretend it was. You've never found me funnier ;)

It's Tuesday, but we're coming off a 4 day weekend for the boys, so my timeline is all messed up. It should feel like it's a Monday, but all day long I've been thinking it's Thursday. Friday night Laura came over and we got Chinese and watched "Uganda Be Kidding Me," the Netflix Chelsea Handler special. Pretty damn funny. I had a couple of glasses of wine, and between the eating of the day and the wine, I had some serious heartburn that night. I've kept that feeling with me. I could've had the same kind of fun, only eating half of my Chinese. I could say the same about the wine, but I don't know what having one drink means. To be honest, I'm proud of myself for just having 2 :) Of course, two glasses for me=half a bottle. The other half of the bottle is still there, though. I hated that heartburn feeling, and I've been thinking of them as wasted calories. I'll throw the remaining wine out tonight. I'd cheated and weighed myself Friday morning, and I'd dropped down to the next number like I wanted. I've worked hard to take back my sins of Friday night, but by no means, have I been perfect. I'm really hoping for good things on the scale tomorrow. I fear I'll breakdown if I'm not below that number. Ugh. I have to be....
Caleb had a swim meet on Saturday, and we made Ryne come along. Spending the day out of town, at a 10 year old's swim meet was not what Ryne was wanting to do, but I'm so glad we made him come. It ended up being a really wonderful family day. The best we've had in a while. Cal had never broken a minute in a race before, and this time, he broke it twice (including a 46 second freestyle). Caleb was out of his mind, happy. It was priceless. Brian and I reflected on the day, that we could've never imagined where he is now, a few years ago. Seriously, we could've never imagined...We are so happy that he has such a passion and dedication for swimming. After the meet, we went to dinner and bought Ryne some new basketball shoes. Tryouts started today and end tomorrow. Ryne wasn't able to play last year, due to his IBS, and he'd only played the year before. So, in terms of experience, he's way behind his classmates. We are really hoping they have a "B" team, though. He really enjoys playing, and we're all for any sports he wants to do. He's such a natural athlete, too. I hope he can really find a true desire for sports. For Brian and I, athletics were such a positive in our childhood. I'm sure he'll find more joy in playing team sports, than playing an X-Box. The relationships formed while playing sports, truly are lifelong.
That 10k is quickly approaching. Today (and I wanted to yesterday, but the thunder came in hard after 3 miles) I walked 4 miles. This was really big for me. My plan is to do 4 miles a day this week, and 5 next week. I also added some jogging yesterday and today. It's not a lot, but it's something. Boy oh boy, does it really step up the intensity of the workout for me. It's a gimpy, and often painful jog (my knee is just so fucked...plus I'm way heavy), but it's a jog, and I'll take it. I have to say, that I feel good about where I am right now. I really do.
Tomorrow is a relatively big day, for someone who rarely has something to do out here. I'll walk in the morning (just me and the dog-walking partner has to work), then is my first day volunteering, and then I have an appointment with the special ed department for Cal. It's our first year without an IEP for him, so I'm really focused on getting this 504 plan right. I'm looking forward to a nice, full, productive day. I'm so hoping I get a job soon....I really am....I guess someone needs to actually contact me for an interview first, though :(
My fingers are crossed for a good weigh in tomorrow. The numbers haven't been as important to me this time around. I just feel so much better, but I do have anxiety going into tomorrow. I want to see good numbers. I wish the number didn't mean so much to me, though.
Here's hoping you all have a fantastic night!

~Jen

Old Man Eyebrows

10/9/2014

Uh, what the fuck happened to my post? I'm sure it was the best one I've ever done. haha. Shit. You could've learned about my old man brows. You know, the hairs that are fucking crazy and belong on 80 year old men. Yeah, I have some of those hairs. But you'll never know the whole story now. Crap.

Week 5. Sunova.

10/8/2014

Here's Jesse enjoying a hike this morning. The weather is already getting much cooler, so I figure we need to get out as much as possible. Well, once or twice a week, anyway. It's over 20 miles to the park, and since I'm not working, I try to watch the gas funds. Anyway, it was a truly gorgeous morning. We hiked about 3 miles. I'm worried I'm going to end up biting it, though. Leaves cover the trails, and several times my ankle would start to roll, or I would stumble over twigs and branches that were covered up. It's not a matter of if, but when, I think before I take a tumble. At this weight, that makes me a littler nervous. However, I so enjoy being out there. I can't let fear hold me back....I've done that too much of my life.

I spoke with a local rehab/long term care facility today about volunteering. I've got some paperwork to pick up this afternoon, and my plan is to get that back in tomorrow. Watching my Grandma live with Alzheimer's was so horrible. I was in college when she died, so I didn't get to see her much the last couple of years. I remember how much it meant to her when I visited, even though she didn't know who I was. That's my only real experience with being around a facility like this, so I am definitely nervous, but at the same time, I'm excited.

I weighed in this morning, and I was exactly the same weight I was last week. Grrrr. This is despite having my most active week in a very long time. But I did not eat smart, and it's all on me. I drank all of those calories on Sat. Sunday, I ate and ate and ate (because of all of those Sat. calories). I at desserts... The poor eating probably outweighed the smart eating. Unacceptable. This week will be different. I'm 1 lb. 7 oz. from going down into the next number on the scale. I have to be there next week. Even though the scale is representing my eating habits, I have to say, I do feel good. I'm only down 15 pounds overall, but my body is so appreciative of just that little bit. I can't wait to see what the next 15 bring.

I hope your day is going well. After all, it's Over the Hump day! You're on the downslide to the weekend.

Please take care,

Jen

My first 5k!

10/6/2014

Jillian Michaels posted this today, and hey what could it hurt? It's not too crazy. I'll have to try this one just to try to flush some of the shit out of this body.

I should be on the last day of Aunt Flow. Thank the Lord! I cannot believe how bad the hormones fuck with my head for that few days leading up to and first couple days of. I'm going to take a hard look at going on the pill. I've been totally against it, because I don't like to take pills, etc. It's so funny...since I eat such garbage all the time. It's just as bad as taking pills, etc. Anyway, I can live with the heavy flow, but I can no longer live with how bad it fucks with my head. It's pure craziness. So, if the pill can help that part of it, with it's regulation, I'm going to do it.

We went to the Chili Fest on Saturday and met up with a couple of Brian's coworkers. Let me tell you something: it was freaking cold! Everything had meat in it, so I couldn't take part in the tastings, but the boys went crazy. I, went crazy on the beer. I got a pretty huge buzz on, and then Brian and I went to a local dive bar and drank some more and had dinner. We really had a good time. We actually had a good talk about everything. This whole move is still just so stressful....me, not having a job, etc. It's a lot to deal with. So, it was a long day of drinking, which isn't the end of the world....except I drank more that day than I have since we've been back in IL. Of course, I did this the day/night before having to be up at 6 A.M. for my first 5k. Ugh. I met my friend Marie (who was on her 5th 5k of the year) in a nearby town. OMG. I loved, loved, loved it. We just walked it, but for me it was a good pace. Look, I know 56 minutes 30 seconds is nothing to brag about, but it's my start! I can't wait to do the next one. I love seeing all of the different body types, and all of the encouragement that goes along with it. It was so nice to visit with Marie, too. I hadn't seen her since we got back to IL. All around, what a great experience. Marie and I are already planning our next one. We will also be doing a 10k next month, which will be great. Cold, but great ;)

I hope your Monday had gone as good as it could be for a Mon. The Seahawks are about to start, so I've got to get ready! Go Hawks!

Much Love,
Jen

How to take those first steps.?.

10/4/2014

As my Step-Dad used to say, Oofta. Boy this has been a week of ups and downs but mostly downs. The highlight was definitely that hike, though. I wanted to do it again this morning, but I guess not badly enough to go out in the 30 degree weather, and wet snow. It is way too early in the year for this bullshit . I've decided I need to really start pushing myself physically. I've been walking every morning with a friend, which works great, because it makes this non-morning person get a good start to the day. She's content to go at the same pace and not do any more than what we are doing. I want to continue to do this with her, but I'm not going to do it every weekday anymore. The weather is supposed to be a little better this week, so I think I'll do some hiking instead. I've asked her if she would be interested in hiking, but she says she's not really "outdoorsy." So, I feel bad, but for me, it's better mentally and physically. I've got to start turning my head around. I have to. My head goes to such bad places sometimes. I scare myself. I'm coming off a hard day, which there was no reason for. I worked to turn it around. After my walk, I was really happy to see the job the guy did on the property (mowing, weeding, etc.) It had gotten out of control. The property is over an acre, and ugh, a lot to take care of. Anyway, I was thrilled with what he did, and it was for a good cost (friend of a friend). I then paid bills, and had to run to Rockford to make my car payment. The bank was literally across the street from the movie theater, so I decided to preoccupy my mind with a movie. I'd known since I woke up, I was going to have to fight for happiness in the day. The only movie playing around that time was, "Gone Girl." My friend and I were supposed to see it that day, but the times didn't work out for her son's school schedule. So, I felt bad, but I saw it without her (guess I'll see it again with her). I'd been wanting to see it, since I'd read the book. The movie turned out really good, but the issues I have with it are the same ones from the book. Overall, though a thumbs up. After I got home, though, the day continued to swallow me whole. I drank some wine, hoping it would relax me, but it just made it worse. My saving grace was that Caleb wanted to watch t.v. with me. It helped to settle me down. Anyway, I absolutely hate it when I am overcome with....I hate to say it, but depression. When it just envelopes me. I fucking hate it. So, I'm going to make a list of goals and things I think will help improve everything. Leaving IL would be at the top of the fucking list, but we know I'm trapped here, serving at least an 8 year sentence (when Caleb graduates). But it does no good to think about any of that... My birthday is in 4 1/2 months, so I've got to come up with some sort of physical goal (mud run....1/2 marathon....something that seems out of reach), and at a destination away from here. When I gain more confidence, I'll ask a friend to do it with me. The nice thing is, a lot of my friends are athletic and would be up to the task. My birthday's are usually never my favorite day, so maybe having a way to celebrate will be nice. I'll also continue to look for a job. I think that's crucial to turning things around. In the meantime, I'll find somewhere to volunteer. I've been thinking about it for a while, and I just need to do it. It's going to be a busy weekend, if all goes according to plan, so hopefully I can come up with a good list on Mon.

Well, I should get ready. Brian is all excited to go to a chili fest in town, here. I'm not looking forward to it, as I'm sure there won't be a meatless option, and it's freezing ass cold outside. But, it's important for us to have some time together outside of the house. In all honesty, he hasn't been my favorite person the past couple of weeks, and that has to turnaround.

Here's hoping you all have a wonderful weekend!

Jen

Week 4. I'll take it.

10/1/2014

Today was one of those days that could've gone down a dark path. I went out of my comfort zone on something, which caused a great deal of anxiety. I needed to do it, but it wasn't easy. I am glad I did it, though. I worked a bit on the book, but it wasn't coming easily, and I took a look at how I thought the rest of my day would go. I would do a little cleaning, probably a couple of loads of laundry, stress about finances, watch too much t.v., etc. I didn't want that to be my day. You know what? I fucking did something about it. Can you believe it? I imagined how I wanted my day to go, and I actually fucking did it. I drove out to a state park, and took Jesse on a 3+ mile hike. OMG. I loved it. It was hard work for me, as I have been walking 3 miles a day, but it's on a flat track. This was climbing up and down stuff and actually feeling ALIVE. I'm sore as hell right now, but I love it all. I can't tell you how proud I am of myself. I really am. It might sound braggy, but trust me....this is a rare treat.

I weighed in this morning, but I most definitely didn't want to. I haven't been good this past week. I could be much worse, but I haven't been good. Plus, Aunt Flow is ready to burst through my vajajay at any moment. Anyway, I lost the weight I'd gained on my vacation. Hell yeah! I'll take it! Today has been a day of little and big victories. From what could've been a totally shitty day, turned into a really great day. Yay for the power of positive thought. Here's hoping I can incorporate more of this into my life.

I hope you have a great day: full of positive thought.

~Jen