My plan was to start this an hour or two ago, but damn if Junior and I didn't just fall asleep.  It's taken everything I have to get up and be productive at this point.  Junior?  Well, he's just thrown in the towel and is laying at my feet as I type.  The virus may be gone, but it's still got me a little drained.  Hey, I made it almost the whole day without sleeping, though.  I feel like tomorrow will be the day of energy!  Oh, and football, oh yeah, and church :)

Really?  It's the end of 2011 already?  In a lot of ways this has been the greatest year, but also the worst year.  It's been quite the journey looking back and taking everything into account.  There have been quite a few smiles, but it's also sucked owning my own bad judgments that I made during the year, too.

I've never done this before....given a recap of the year like this.  I feel a bit silly, and of course narcissistic....  I'm so grateful that you guys have been with me the past 5 months, I thought I'd mostly do this for me, to learn from and take stock of, and for you, as I always try my best to be utterly and completely honest on here.  Now, that has not always been in my own best interest, but I guess that's the way this native rolls.  lol 

The Highs of 2011 (in no particular order)

In March we had my "going away" party.  It was a few months too soon, but we didn't know that at the time.  5 of my friends came into town.  Yes, actually travelled to see me and wish me well.  One from Anchorage, Montana, and even one from Reno.  It was so cool!  I would've never believed that people cared about me that much.  Along w/ our old Wrangell crowd, some others came out to join us for some limo, drinks, stripper-oke (yes, just like it sounds :), sports bar, and regular karaoke.  It was the best, and I have nothing but absolutely fond memories of that couple of days (along as some kick ass pictures)!

I also recently started attending church regularly.  Although, I've always considered myself a believer, and someone who prayed every day.  I just didn't feel like God required one to go to church in order to honor him.  I still don't think he does, but I love the peace that it brings me.  I love how close it makes me feel to him, when I'm inside the doors of the church.  I've also been very blessed to find some new friends there, too.  It was probably the first time out here, that I didn't feel, "lost" or "hopeless."

In 2011 my Cousin Melinda married her partner of 10 years, Sandy.  Oh, it was so beautiful.  Most of the family flew in from all over North America.  My friend Cookie was even cool enough to make the trip w/ the boys and me, since Brian was working in IL.  I love my family so much, and it was so great that we were all together.  I wish their marriage was federally recognized just as in a man/woman marriage.  I truly think it's bullshit that at this day and age, my cousin and her wife don't have the same rights as those who have marriages that last 17 days, 52 days or whatever bullshit goes on.  They have 10 strong years together and 2 beautiful daughters together.

My friend L.P. and I started "Pizza Wed's."  We would alternate houses and get us and our kids together for food and fun.  I think we started it for the kids, but it ended up being for us.  She is probably my "newest" friend, but I'd say, also one of my closest.

This year has brought me this website.  I grew a pair doing this.  Really, they're there.  Oh wait, no those are just two really long short hairs I must've missed while shaving.  Anyway, I'm grateful for all of the support I've received because of this.  And I'm grateful to have allowed some of you to come to me w/ similar things.  Nobody ever wants to feel like they're in this alone.  And we aren't.  Not one of us.

In May I had a really fun trip to see a friend in Denver.  It was full of good fun, and good stories.  I never thought I'd openly pee in a park, in the middle of the day, but I guess sometimes you gotta do, what you gotta do.

In June, our family was finally brought back together when Brian flew out to get us for the drive to the midwest.  I didn't realize just how hard those 8 months had been.  I can honestly say, that our relationship now, is as strong as its ever been.  I love him wholeheartedly.  (Of course I still wish he'd pick up after himself....:)  He loves me, even when I can't find the strength to love myself.

Along with our family being joined together again, I am most thankful for the meds that I'm on.  I felt so weak....admitting that I needed them, but for me, they are working.  I went from having horrible anxiety and depression, to what the Dr. scored as Severe depression to Mild depression in a very short time.  We are both hopeful there will be no clinical depression/anxiety in the future.  I feel alive again, and I'm so fucking happy about this, I can't even express it.

Some Good/Some Bad

At the end of April, I left my just of 10 years, 4 months.  I really was ready.  I was ready to dedicate myself more to my kids.  It was so hard juggling their needs (esp. Cal's therapies, etc), with a full time job.  It got really difficult for that 8 months Brian was working out of state, too.  I was also crazy, bored in my job....  Although a lot of my responsibilities had changed over the years, buying is buying.  I'd also gone to doing nearly all of the overseas buying, which is the part of my job I hated the most.  I was never happy about sending American jobs overseas for, in a lot of cases, subservient product.  I can honestly say I don't miss the job.  I do miss the $ and the benefits, though :)  But mostly I miss the people that I worked with.  There are some really stellar people there.  It's the reason, people never seem to leave the co.  Although, in all honestly, I'm glad the move finally forced the change.

Things I'm glad to leave behind in 2011....

Definitely along with the bad of 2011, is my friend Gerry Walker's mountain biking accident.  He's been in the I.C.U. since 12/26.  There have been some good signs, but the whole thing is so very terrible.  He's unable to talk, yet, because of the tubes.  He's able to move one side a little better than the other, and they've been fusing parts of her vertebrae together.  I hope I'm getting this information all right to you guys.  Now, G is one of the nicest guys ever.  In fact, I've been wanting to hook he and Tammi up together for quite some time.  He's the kind of guy that you want your closest of friends to marry.  You know he'll be good to them.  He loves life and has more adventure than nearly anyone I  know.  Please continue to keep him in your prayers for a speedy, full recovery.  Thank you.

We may soon be saying goodbye to our Vancouver house....  There are finally a couple of offers in on it.  I love that house.  I truly, truly do....  I wish it weren't worth 1/2 of what it was 4 years ago, but we can't control the economy.  Selling it will definitely be bittersweet, but mostly bitter.  I will miss that house, but mostly I will miss living in Vancouver.  Brian's job will never take us there, so I guess it's the end of the Vancouver era...


I had to put our dog Sara down this year.  This destroyed me like nothing else.  I hated that Brian was gone, and it was all on me.  It was the single most painful moment of my life.  I still think of it every once in a while and cry.  She was my girl.  When I was sick earlier this week, I felt Junior laying on my legs, and it woke me up.  I thought this was weird, since he never does this.  I reached down, and he wasn't there.  I reached over, and he was beside me.  The feeling didn't go away though.  I truly feel it was her.  She always watched over me.  She always worried about me.  Man, I miss that dog.  She was my girl.  Writing this, will be the only thing that makes me cry during today's blog.

Okay, the last of the "bad."  I'd be lying if I didn't mention Vegas.  It wasn't only the trip, it was the subsequent emails that followed....  I don't know that I've ever been so hurt by words that someone said to me.  Total devastation....  In looking back, had my meds been right, it probably wouldn't have affected me as much as it did, but it still would've torn me apart.  I've had a lot of different feelings, mostly about the emails, but slowly it's not affecting me as much.  Afterward, I learned that I'm able to really accept an apology.  A whole hearted apology.  Before, I always thought of them as empty words.  Now, now....this whole blow up was on both of us....trust me.  We're moving forward, but it's not the same, yet.  Well, it will never be the "same" which is probably a good thing.  It's NYE, and I don't know what she's doing tonight.  It's weird.  Going from talking to someone every day, to trying to say the right things when we talk, and to avoid anything about that trip or the email...  I am thankful that we're moving forward, though.  And in those words, I'm probably not doing our current friendship justice.  We are very important to each other.  She's still my, "ChristinaWithout this incident though, I never would've been forced to stick up for myself.  Maybe for the first time ever, I didn't blame everything on me (it did take a few days though).  I realize now, that I am a good friend to have.  I'm certainly not perfect.  But I would do anything for any of my good friends or maybe even anyone, and I definitely would've done anything for her.  Before the "fight."  I don't think that I realized I really am a valuable friend.  Maybe in the process, I even learned that I did, indeed love myself. 

So in all of that terribleness, a lot of good came from it, too.  For so many years, I'd confided everything into that friend.  I never leaned on my other close friends.  I'm so afraid of getting hurt, I guess I just banked on the one person in this world that I didn't think would hurt me.  That was just stupid.  No friendship is perfect.  In fact, a friend was recently talking about a horrible fight that her and her bff had several months.  I remember they didn't talk for a few mos.  I asked her how they could just go back to being "bffs" and she said, had they said everything they really needed to say, they never could've gotten past it.  So, it's a positive for us that we are moving forward.  Anyway, I digress.  In temporarily losing that friend, it brought me closer to old friends.  In a phone conversation, when I told a friend about the email, she actually cried with me.  Wow....  She cried with me.  That was huge for me.  I would never think that someone would care about me that much as to feel my pain like that.  This has all taught me a great lesson in friendships.  Never leave people out of your life, just because you don't "need" them in that moment.  We need to all do a better job of letting our friends know how much we love them.  Even if it's just a quick text, etc.  You never know how they may be doing on the other end, and just how much they need to hear that from someone.  There's no reason you shouldn't be that someone.

Well, shit fire.  I may be typing into 2012.  I'm so sorry for all of the rambling....

Here's what I'm hoping for out of 2012

Continued good health for all of us and our families
Allowing more good people into our lives
Strengthening my existing friendships
I'd love to know where we are going to live permanently :)
And S.O.B., for the first time in my life, I'd love to be the person that I see, when I look inside...she's athletic, fit, and full of energy.  Not, well, this.
Oh, and I'd love more people to be active with this site.  Comment more, let me add a page for you to do your own talking, anything.  I want us all to be healthy both mentally and physically.

Peace and love to you all.  Thanks for reading.  May God bless you in the new year.

Jen

Yesterday got off to a bad start.  Cal has had the sniffles for a week plus.  We were both still in bed about 8:00, when he starts hollering.  He can be kind of dramatic, and I was so out of it, I just laid in bed for a while.  Finally, I had him come to my room and tell me what was wrong.  He said his mouth hurt.  I knew it couldn't be that (the kid has perfect teeth...I wish I had them)!  So, I finally got him to explain that it hurts where I clean his ears.  So, I immediately knew it was an ear infection.  His Dr. is on vacation, but they were able to get me in w/ someone else, so I drug my tired ass out of bed, and got us both ready.  We drove 50 mins. to the 10:15 appt.  The Dr. prescribed antibiotics, and we were off to the pharmacy at Wal-Mart.  It took them well over an hour to fill his prescription....Ugh.  So, we needed some grocery shopping anyway, and while we were "waiting" dropped $250 on food.    I was so pooped.  By the time we started our drive back to the house, it took all I had to keep myself awake.  Once we got home, I had to bring in all of the groceries and get them put away.  I was completely spent....  I had the gal that babysits come over and put away the Christmas stuff for me.  She was here for 3 hours, and I was out the entire time.  I got up for a bit, but I was so dang tired...  This virus really has taken it out of me.  I ended up in bed for the bulk of the day/night.  Cal's responding well to the meds and seems to be doing better.  I'm still pretty lethargic, but I'm definitely getting more energy.  I even showered....I had done that since I last shit myself (without even knowing) on the 26th.  This virus has been BRUTAL.  But thankfully today it's all getting better.

I can't believe that tomorrow's NYE.  So crazy...  I've spent a lot of the day thinking about 2011, and the many events that went w/ this year.  Tomorrow I plan on blogging all about it.  I'm sure you're all waiting on pins and needles.  lol

Also, please continue to pray for my friend, Gerry.  He's still in the I.C.U.  It's not a good situation at all....  He's the type of guy you wish your bff would marry.  Really, an exceptional guy, who loves life, and makes the most of it.  I appreciate you keeping him in your prayers.

Until tomorrow, my friends.  Hope you have a good day.

Much love,

Jen

Holy smokes....what a few days this has been.  I've been as sick as I think I've ever been.  I don't think I'd ever had a "stomach virus" before, but man alive, it kicked my ass.  I don't know what was worth all of the puking, etc., or the migraine that went with it for 3 solid days.  It wouldn't stop.  Naproxen on top of Tylenol 3 didn't even touch it.  I literally just laid in bed with a pillow over my head for three days.  Today is much, much better, though.  Although, I have no energy, yet.  I can get up for about 2 hours at a time, then I'm down for at least 2 hours.  I still don't have much of an appetite (which isn't the worst thing in the world), but I'm able to drink and keep down liquids.  Really, it's an effort, though.  I'm so sick of trying to hydrate.  I can't bitch, though.  I'm on the right path!

Caleb turned 8 today!  I can't believe my baby is 8....  Wow.  Makes me kind of sad : (  I like to think of him as my baby, and now he's really going to hate it when I refer to him as so.  I don't even know how to put into words what this kid has brought to my life.  He's taught me a patience I didn't know I had, and he's taught me this unconditional love that has forever changed me.  I can honestly say, Caleb has made me a better person.  I'm so very glad he is our son.

Some of you know our friend, Gerry Walker.  He's often referred to as, "G."  He used to d.j. at Lindo.  Anyway, G is one helluva a guy.  He's the guy you want one of your best friends to end up marrying.  All around, good guy.  Anyway,  he was involved in a serious mountain biking accident on the 26th.  He's in the I.C.U. with a severe spinal injury.  I'm asking you to include G in your prayers for a speedy, full recovery.  G really loves and appreciates life.  He deserves to live it to its fullest.

Phew...I think it's time for me to lay down again.  Thanks for being here, friends.  Much love to you.

Jen

Brian had Christmas Eve off, so it was nice that we were able to all spend it together.  We went to breakfast (which has always been our X-Mas Eve tradition).    We traveled a ways, as we heard they were the best.  It was okay, but they were short staffed, etc.  'Tis the season not to let that stuff bother you, though :)

That night we went to church.  Caleb was excited to go, but I literally had to drag Brian and Ryne along.  I was really bothered by this...  They know how important it is to me.  It would be nice, if they took an interest every once in a while, even just for my sake.  I was kind of put off by it.  I never try to make them go, so it's not like I ask a lot.  I grew up going to church by myself (started in 3rd grade), and it would be nice to, just once, have some support.  Anyway, after all the kicking and screaming, it was a nice service.  The service ended w/ all of us lighting our candles and getting into a circle around the inside of the church, with the lights off, and sang Silent Night.  It was truly beautiful.

Christmas morning, I woke up about 4 or so, feeling really nauseous.  I couldn't understand why.  I'd had a smoothie for dinner, so I didn't think it could be that.  I hadn't had any alcohol or anything, so I just thought it would pass.  I was hoping it was just a weird heartburn or something.  I laid there real still, trying to make it go away.  Probably just before 5, it hit....I kept from the bed to go the 6' to the bathroom, and I didn't make it.  Let me tell you something, the bathroom scene from "Bridesmaids" had nothing on what happened to me.  I'm sure there's a lot of funny material there (inc. from today), but I still feel to lousy to make any jokes about it.  After continual vomiting, etc., and when nothing else could come out, I called the nurse.  As I knew she would, she sent my fat ass to the E.R.  I was there about 5 hours or so.  It certainly wasn't pleasant.  The kids were none to happy to have their Christmas interrupted as so.....  I had Brian take them out to eat, while I was at the E.R.  Anyway, meds and I.V.'s and I was out of there.  I came home, drugged up, went to sleep, and was asleep for the most part, until 8:30 this morning.  I would only wake up for this nasty fucking headache that I've had since this all went down.  It won't go away....  I went back to sleep for a bit this morning, and then I told the boys that Daddy and I would open our gifts.  To be honest, it's all kind of a blur.  I was a bit out of it.  I know I got some really lovely stuff, but I really need to take a look again tomorrow to appreciate it.  I do know that I got a box full of OR/WA stuff, and that really touched my heart.  My friend Jo sent me some glasses from Portland Brewing Co. (our fave place),  a framed picture of Haystack rock, and a nice big jar of sand from Seaside.  There may have been other things in there, but I can't remember now.  Truly cool, though.

Anyway, today I feel better (there was no way to feel worse).  I still have a wicked headache, that's yet to stop, and my stomach is an absolute mess.  I guess what I take from all of this, is had I taken better care of myself beforehand, the chances of catching the stomach virus would've been much less.  I know that poor diet is the number one contributor to illness.  I also find it fitting that, when leaving the hospital the R.N. told me not to have any caffeine or dairy for a few days.  Look, it's not like they say, no fruits or veggies.  Lesson learned.  Now, I just need to hold onto this lesson.

I hope you're Christmas went better than mine.  I really hope you were surrounded by the ones you love.

Much love,

Jen

Can you believe it?  Only 2 days until Christmas.  It really got here fast this year.  I'm kinda bummed.  I really like to take it in a little longer than this.  The past few days have been mostly about baking.  Will the real Jen W please stand up?  Crazy...  What's even crazier is that it's all turned out.

So, last night we had an "Ugly Sweater" party.  The party was supposed to be for Brian's co-workers, of which 0.0 came...  I was kind of bummed, since I made so much food, etc.  It still was good, though, as my hand full of friends were able to come.  What was really funny, is that we all ended up at the same thrift store about 30 mins. from here.  It was slim pickens.  We all had to work hard to find an "ugly sweater."  They guy that won it, Ben, really deserve it.  He looked absolutely ridiculous.  Brian came in 2nd.  I was pretty proud of the sweater I found for him.  It looks like it could've came straight out of  "Less Than Zero."  We all had a really good time, but I drank way too much.  'Tis the season...for a hangover, I guess.

Today I finished my shopping.  What a great feeling.  Everyone was out of the iPod I wanted for Brian, so I had to drive 2 hours, each way, to get him one.  What b.s.  Anyway, glad I got it.  I also had to go to 3 stores, before someone had Madden 12 in stock for Ryne.  I ended up getting it right off the display (last one).  I enjoyed having most of the day to myself.  I listened to some good tunes, talked to a good friend, and had myself a nice, late lunch at a restaurant.  Life is good.

So, tomorrow is Christmas Eve.  The boys are so excited!  The only concrete plans we have at this point, are to go to breakfast, and then go to church at 5.  Maybe in between, we'll go to the movies or something.  Well, I better go.  Brian wants to watch "Christmas Vacation," which is his fave holiday movie.  It's just okay to me.  I love "A Christmas Story," but he doesn't care for it.  Oh well, maybe I can talk Cal into watching it with me tomorrow.

Please enjoy your day tomorrow.  I really hope that your day is full of family, friends, and laughter.  It's easy to forget what Christmas is all about, but hopefully we'll all do our best.  It's not only the season for hangovers....most importantly, it's the season to rejoice in Jesus, and enjoy the wonderful things he's given us in this life.

Hopefully, we'll talk tomorrow.

~Jen

Yeehaw.  My mouth is starting to feel better today.  I haven't taken the Tylenol, as it just isn't worth what it does to me.  I've managed pretty well, though.

Hey, maybe it's the Tylenol that turned me into Betty Freaking Crocker.  I baked yesterday for about 7 hours.  It was another late night.  The boys and I made a couple of batches of choc chip cookies.  OMG...  So, much for what you see on t.v. or in commercials.  It's sad to say, but I hadn't baked with them for a while.  I now know why.  They are all over the place, trying to dump stuff in before it's ready, arguing over whose turn it is (even though they each had their own bowl).  When we finally got them in the oven, it was then, "Can I have one now?"  Again...just as they've gone in the oven.  Usually I actually have pretty decent patience with the boys.  Weird, huh?  I've really never had patience w/ anyone, until I had them.  And my patience level got a million times better, after Cal's diagosis.  Well, actually, with everyone.  Anyway, baking was a bit of a disaster.  So, why am I about to do it again, when I'm done w/ the blog?  Lord, only knows...  This time I made the sugar cookie dough earlier, so hopefully it will just be them using cookie cutters.  Really, hopefully that's the extent of it.  I hope the turn out....  It's the first time I've done sugar cookies without buying the dough in a tube.  True fact.  I've never been great in the kitchen.  However, 'tis the season.  I've already made a couple batches choc chip, brownies, pumpkin cake w/ cream cheese frosting, and oatmeal w/ butterscotch cookies.  It'll be another late night of baking, too.  Lots of people to bake for.  It's a small town, you've got to do these things.  I took a big thing of baked goods to the post office people today.  This town is like Mayberry (except there's a lot of bitches here, have yet to run into Aunt Bee).

I must pay a quick homage to my dear friend Caity.  She's the first of us to hit the big 4-0.  Yesterday was her birthday.  I hope everyone has a friend like Caity in their life.  She's the one that you know, 100% of the time will have my back.  It's a genuine friendship, with a mutual love and respect for each other.  I can't wait to celebrate in person, along w/ a few others in March for our group bday celebration in Vegas.  It's Vegas.  What could possibly go wrong?  LMAO.....

Hope you guys are nearing finishing up on your shopping, etc.  I'll finish up on Friday.  Tomorrow will be pretty busy, as we're having an Ugly Sweater party at our house.  Yep, all few of our friends will  be here :)

Miss you guys,

Jen

P.S.  I hope you are eating better than me....I keep trying the baking.  I haven't made a bunch of this stuff before, and I need to make sure it turns out.  That's logical, right?

P.P.S.  Those of you that know about the inappropriate pictures a group of us tend to take w/ statues, etc.  I did a good one today.  If you want it, let me know, and I'll text it to you.  But it goes no further than that.  Santa has a rep to protect.

It's been a whirlwind couple of days.  I think I mentioned in my last post that I have a tooth that is killing me.  Stupidly, I've been trying to wait until Jan. to get it taken care of, so I have my full dental benefits.  This has proven to be a very big mistake.  There's been lots of swelling, pain, and it's gone to that whole side of my mouth.  A dentist finally got me in yesterday, only to quote me over $2,000 (after my insurance).  I totally broke down like a fucking baby in the dentist chair.  I was really expecting $800 (which isn't anything to sneeze at, either).  I was/am in so much pain.  So, I told them just to pull it, which they won't do, so they referred me elsewhere.  Anyway, they gave me penicillin (b/c it's infected) and Tylenol 3 w/ codeine.  The penicillin is slowly helping, and hopefully tomorrow the swelling will be almost all gone, which will help w/ the pain.  Anyway, I found another dentist, who doesn't appear to be charging by the Euro, and I see them next week.  They say the swelling needs to be down, anyway, before they can do anything.  So, my mouth ruled my day.  I look like I'd been rode hard and put away wet "in my mouth."  LMAO.  Didn't Kristen Wigg say that in Bridesmaids?  (My fave movie btw).  The Tylenol just knocks me on my butt.  It put me to sleep after I took it about 6, and then I woke up for an hour or so, and was down again for the night.  This morning, when I took it, it knocked me out again.  This is why I am blogging now.  After this, I need to take it, and then let it knock me out.  I need to be functional in a couple of hours to make Christmas cookies w/ the boys.

I stumbled upon a Christmas gift for a friend, while I was looking online for something for an in-law.  I saw it, and it was like it was made just for her.  I was so freaking excited to get it for her.  It wasn't expensive, but I knew it would make her happy.  Anyway, she received the gift today (she had to open, since it was somewhat perishable).  She loves it!  I'm so happy.  She's now given me my new favorite quote (Sorry, Natalie Maines, and "moist as a snack cake.)  In her email she said, she "couldn't have been more shocked, if I shot her."  LMAO.  Now, that's good stuff.  That totally made my day.    For realz.  So lucky to have such amazing people in my life.  Which brings me back to the message that I like to bring up from time to time.  If there's a friend that you've been thinking about, but havent spoken to lately, reach out to them.  Mail them a card (I adore snail mail), email them, send them a text out of nowhere, telling them how much you love and miss them.  It will make you both smile.  As women, we are always doing for others, and we need to take these tiny moments to congratulate ourselves on surrounding ourselves w/ such amazing people.  We can easily forget how much, our friendships mean to us.  Trust me...you won't regret it.  Ring someone up...just reach out.  Make your day a special one.  Was that gay enough for everyone?  Hope so :)

The diet has been okay.  Mostly because I can't eat anything that isn't soft.  It's like I'm a baby, just being introduced to solid foods.  For dinner last night I had apple sauce and pudding  :)  Yum.

Until tomorrow my friends.  Love ya.  Really, I do.

Jen

Another early morning.  It's so weird...both mornings this weekend I woke up before anyone else.  Ugh.  I hate that.  Oh well, this morning it gave me an opportunity to make a Vegan chowder before church.  I'll try to add the recipe tomorrow.  It's really quite good, and much easier than most of the other soups I do.  I had a good time jamming to some Christmas music while I was making it and felt great going into church.  Church started good, but when we started bringing up people for the prayer list, I added Gail Blatchley.  She's been on my mind so much lately.  I can't believe it's been a year.  Anyway, after I added her, I couldn't get the image of seeing her 12 hours before she passed.  Nobody should have to suffer like that.  She was such a wonderful person, I'll never get it...never.  Well, for some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I just started weeping.  I probably wept for 30 mins. straight.  I cried harder than when it actually happend.  It was so weird.  Before this past year, or less, I was never much of a crier.  Now, I guess I'm unable to contain my emotions, anymore.  Maybe this is a good thing...  I don't know.  It's so...new...and strange to me.  I'd always been, what I thought was, "strong."

I spent the rest of the day, either being lazy and watching football, or cleaning and doing laundry.  It was fairly relaxing.  I really wanted to take it easy, as my mouth has been killing me.  I have a dentist appt. in the morning.  I wanted to wait until Jan., so I would have full benefits, but there's no way I can take it anymore.  My jaw is throbbing, and I can't eat on that side.  It's been bugging me for a few months, but I knew how expensive it was going to be, so I tried to put it off.  Turns out that was a dumb ass move.

Tonight I'm missing my friends in a big way.  Again, it's just come out of nowhere.   Life has/is been so good.  I don't know.  I just wish I could hang out with some of them, and b.s. about nothing of any importance.  I also wish that I had more confidence in some friendships.  As try as I might, I'm afraid that some will never be the same.  I know it happens in every relationship, but it really saddens me.  All relationships have ups and downs....I just wish I could ride out the waves more easily.  Anyway, it's not something I'd been really thinking about lately, but tonight it's kind of hit me.  Maybe it's all of the pain my mouth is in.  Hard to think about good things, when it hurts to even smile.  Or, God forbid, when Brian thought he was being cute and went in for a hard pack right on the jaw.  Yowza!  Now, that's pain.  So come hell or high water, I'm taking care of this tooth tomorrow.  I don't care if I have to tell them to pull the fucking thing.

All in all a good day.  Just missing friends, and I know I'm not the only one.  I'd received a text from a friend tonight talking about how she misses our WRG friends, and thinks we are nuts that we've moved so far from everyone.  You know what, I think she's right.

Hopefully tomorrow will be good all around.  I'm looking forward to some healthy eating (if my mouth allows actual eating).  I hope you guys have a great Monday.  Kind of an oxymoron, right?  Anyway, I know it's possible.  God has blessed us with living in this amazing country, and has allowed a roof over our head and food in our bellies.  Hopefully, we will honor him by putting the right kind in us :)

Much love,

Jen

2/21/2009

Okay, here's a tale of 3 bodies.  This picture was taken at my birthday party nearly 3 years ago.  At the time of this photo, I think I'd already lost about 8 lbs. or so.  I HATE this photo.  I'm so fat I look like I'm about to eat Jody, like she's a snack or something.  Plain disgusting.  The good news is that, at that time, I knew I needed to do something.  I was successful for a while.

May 2010







In October 2010, I read "Skinny Bitch," and it changed my life.  It literally changed my thinking about food.  As a result of the book, I started cutting one bad habit out a week.  Soon, I'd given up meat (except seafood and eggs), caffeine, dairy and a lot of processed crap.  I tried to follow the "Eat to Live" phylosiphy, and it really agreed with me.  I'm a total believer in that way of life.  In following this lifestyle, I'm at my best.  My mind is more clear, and I have an appreciation for my body (well, as much as I can....it's always going to be a struggle).

12/15/11








And here I am, just a few days ago....believe it or not, this was the re-take.  The first one, I was leaning back on Brian and you could see all of my ugly fucking chins.  Clearly my weight is up again.  It's totally on me...not enough exercise....days of eating shit and drinking soda...and then being good for one or two days.  Working on the calendar the past few days, really smacked me upside the head.  I saw my weight in all of these areas and in between.  It's disgusting...  I recently lent a new friend my "Skinny Bitch" book, and she loved it.  She's changing her way of eating, and the way she feeds her family because of it.  Her enthusiasm, reminds me of when I first started.  I'm excited to help her along this journey, but I'm even more excited to rediscover why I love this lifestyle so much.  I'm so inspired that she took it upon herself to try some of the recipes I've got on here.  I'll be adding more...  For my sake, her sake, and hopefully your sake.  Look back at your pictures.  Find where you want to be, and make it your focus.  Let's do this together.  Let's make 2012 our healthiest year ever.

Much Love,

Jen

P.S.  If you want me to post your goal photo, or where you want to start getting toward, I'd be happy to.  Just send me a pic.

Last night Brian had his Christmas party.  Of course, they referred to it as Festivus for the Rest of Us.  What a bunch of Seinfeld dorks :)  During the day, I went in and got my nails done.  They turned out really nicely.  They're a really pretty red-you know, 'til the season.  That's how I roll ; )  I also had my eyebrows waxed.  Let me tell you....I was in desperate need.  Any day I would of been bagged and tagged as the Sasquatch.  One of these hunter freaks out here, would think I was the Kushtakaw for sure.  Anyway, no longer a worry.  She did do them too thin, though.  I've never had them this thin.  It reminds me of the people who need to color them in.  Weird for someone with such a facial hair issue.  Anyhow, the party was really nice.  Brian works with a bunch of nice guys.  It was nice for us to get out for the night, too.

Brian had today off, so we spent most of the day in Peru, shopping.  It sucks that we have to drive an hour each way just to hit a mall.  We were on time constraints, as we only had 'til the kids got out of school (and of course I got up late).  We did get some done, though.  We are nearly finished with the kids.  I still need to take care of Brian, though.  Today we did decide that in addition to our regular gift, we would also buy one, well, how should we say, "fun" thing that we can enjoy together, for each other.  Now, that gets me in the spirit!

After we got home, I started working on this calendar I've been working on for a few days now.  I literally just worked on it for 5 hours straight.  I finally got the God forsaken thing done.  I like the way it turned out, but I won't do this again.  It takes way too long.  My eyes are toast from staring at the screen so long.  And with that, I think I've gotta leave the computer.  I hope you all are having a wonderful time getting ready for the holiday.  And equally importantly, I hope you are finding time to take care of your mind, spirit, and body.

Much love,

Jen