I saved this saying a long time ago. I go back and forth all the time, in knowing that I give myself away for others all the time - to feeling like the most selfish person that ever existed. I guess there's a bit of that in all of us. I don't know that I'll ever figure out how to reconcile it, though. A friend of mine pointed out that I put others first, last weekend. It's not the first time she's mentioned it to me. I know she's right. I'd heard something similar from another friend the weekend before. I wish I were wired differently. I truly do.

I changed my eating habits 4 weeks ago. I also started drinking shit tons of water. I've always known how important it is, but I've never really gotten after it. I bought a 30 oz. water bottle, and that was really instrumental in getting me to drink more. It's an easy way for me to track my intake. If you're struggling, you should try it. I'm averaging about 120-150 oz a day. I still don't love it, but I get a real satisfaction each time I finish the 30 oz bottle. I also added some fresh juice to my diet. I use what I have on hand (but always make sure to have celery as that is supposed to really help with high BP), and it normally doesn't taste the greatest - since I'm just randomly throwing things in ther. It does feel really good to know that I'm getting those nutrients, though. My addiction to food is always there, but it all is getting easier - the longer I do this. I remember this from my very long run of eating healthy, also. I've passed up a lot of really yummy looking foods. The other day, I gave away this giant, fresh, macadamia nut cookie. I thought about it for 3 days after. Food is a true head fuck for me. It's just the thing that's always the most comforting, and soothing to me. I was down 1 1/2 pounds this week. I was disappointed with it, knowing how well I ate, but I had to put it all in perspective - I'm down 8 pounds in 4 weeks. I'm never going to be the person that has giant numbers, but I am determined, and I know I'll get back to where I need to be - eventually. Celebrating 8 pounds in four weeks, would be so much easier, if I didn't look back at my weight chart and was reminded that I put on 6 pounds in a week not so long ago. I can put it on so fast....which is why I have to turn down that macadamia nut cookie - it could lead to 3, and then soda (off for nearly 2 weeks now), and then fast food....and on and on. Food addiction is a bitch. I've found myself, once again, obsessed with My 600 Pound Life. It is a motivator for me, and it's nice to feel like I can relate to people (even if on t.v.) when it comes to food.

I really need to appreciate that 1 1/2 pounds also, because it was done with very little exercise. I have been in a lot of pain in these past weeks (and terrible headaches). Last week was especially bad. My body was done, and I had to listen to it. Being in pain like that, wears a bitch out. It was early bedtime every single night. My sleep is then fucked up, because I go to sleep too early and end up waking up at 3. Or, I toss and turn all night, because I'm in pain, and every time I move - it makes it worse. I've never had to deal with pain in this way before. It's a real MOFO.

I've mentioned that my recovery from the potassium deficiency has not been smooth. It has been a real struggle. Mostly, I've doubted myself - I've felt crazy. There haven't been easy answers. Things probably would have been different, if I hadn't had the stomach issues (and ended up going through colonoscopy and endoscopy) to find that it was all mostly caused by stress. I've never been able to forgive myself for dealing with things the way I did/do. I should've been able to deal with it better. So, going through all of that, knowing that the real pain was caused by my head - causing my colon to spasm, sucks. So, I came out of the very real potassium issue that way fucked me up to not rebounding the way the doctors expected. The most prominent thing, was my weakness. I came out of it much weaker than before I ended up in the hospital. I've felt like it's an overall weakness, but the left side was much more affected. When the answers for that, didn't come right away - again I doubted myself. I would try to do things, chastising myself, saying this is in my head- you can do this. I can't even do basic things with my left hand, and all signs have pointed to neurological issues. I know I didn't have a stroke, but my body responds like I did. I've hated every second of it....being weak, feeling weak minded, feeling bat shit crazy.... I did physical therapy, which was not good for me. That's when the pain really started. We knew I had bone spurs and a significant deteriorated disc, and the hope was the p/t would make things better, but really it awakened too much. I had about a week to 10 days during it when it looked like it might help (post epidural in my neck), when I began to be able to move my neck better, but then nearly everything actually got worse. Then thing is, I probably started feeling the affects of the potassium issue in November, so for months I was out of touch with my body, until it finally got to the point where I couldn't move.  I came out of that, to a body that is weak. With all of this, I'm really out of touch with my body. I would complain about how difficult my new SUV was to see out of, but after I could actually move my neck for that week, I realized it was that I hadn't been able to move my neck in so long and didn't know it. The good news is, I'll be having surgery on my neck on the 13th. My prayer is that it fixes the things they believe it will, as well as the things that haven't made sense. The biggest concern (I mean outside of the scary parts of having surgery), is they have no idea if my strength will come back. There is concern that the nerve might be irreversibly damaged already. I do not have these specific shooting pains in one area, and the doctors have been surprised by this....so this concerns me that I'm not having them, because that nerve is already dead. Hopefully that is all wrong, and everything comes back. Because - the thought of not getting my strength or grip back is really too much for me to take. I'm certainly no doctor, though, and hopefully it all gets restored. 

I've been holding so much in, that I could write for hours - but I've spent too much time on heavy things. I will tell you - that I did finally get my garage door fixed (the damn thing nearly caused divorce). The repairman was a couple of hours late, and about five minutes after he arrived - he asked to use our bathroom - where he proceeded to take a dump over the next half an hour. When he finally finished, he asked if he could smoke while he worked. The whole thing really was comical, but we can look past all of that, as we have a door that now automatically opens. Thank God. I couldn't do that now.

I wish you a fantastic week - leading up to a 3 day weekend. We all have obstacles, and I know mine are so minor compared to many, but we all have to figure out our own, best ways through these obstacle courses called - life. We can do it...I know we can.

~Jen
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For the first time in months, I've put together a good week and a half of healthy diet and walking. In reality that's really not all that long, but son of a bitch, if it doesn't feel like it is. I want to see immediate results, but I know that's not how it works. It seems as if I put on a bunch of weight overnight, but really - it happened over many months. I can't expect to lose it all at once, but we all want instant gratification. I long to look down and see this stomach gone again. The great new is, I'm not starting all the way over. This is all manageable. I'm disgusted that I gained as much as I did, but the only thing I can do about it, is change it all now. I was down 4 pounds 4 ounces over the past week. I'll take it! Of course….I know I was capable of more, and I replay some of the decisions I made over and over…but I'm a total work in progress that way. I've gone back to counting calories. I really hate it, but it's a necessary evil. I know how to eat right, and if I was totally in the zone - I wouldn't need to track. I'm not there yet. I don't trust myself. At the same time, I cheat where I can, and I know that's what I'm doing. I bought cans of Pepsi, so that when I broke down, I'd only be consuming 150 calories, instead of the 250 in a bottle. I did that one time….and I was pissed it took away from my food. I'm trying to work within 1400 calories, so every one counts. The rebel (and blooming idiot) in me, then went to Diet Coke. I haven't had a lot of it, but I should have zero. I know the stuff is poison. Still, I'm playing the calorie game, and that's stupid. I have really upped my water intake, though. I'm averaging about 110 ounces a day. By far, that's the most I've ever consistently drank. It feels good. I normally battle water retention, but I'm keeping myself flushed, and it's helping a great deal.

Also, today is Day 15 without any alcohol. A friend (43 days ago) decided to quit drinking for a year.  I was texting her one night about it (while drinking) - telling her how proud I was of her - when she suggested I do it, too (only 21 days). In my head, I scoffed at her - pffftt, it's summer! Still, it stuck with me, and a couple of mutual friends and I talked about her accomplishment. One of my friends said we should do the 21 days, but I was still thinking, fuck to the no, it's summer! When they decided to do it, I said I would join them. Really, I did it to support them…I mean…there was no real reason for me to stop…. Day 1 was the day I had 4 appointments in one day, including the epidural in my neck. I soooo wanted to make it all go away with a glass of wine. Day 2 (in my head….) was the day after all of those appointments and stress. I went to the grocery store and didn't walk to the wine section. I love looking at wine and knew I couldn't be trusted. The first four days were torture. Telling me I can't have something, makes me want it more. Most importantly, as the days went on, I realized how much I'd been using drinking to deal with my anxiety. I'm never considered myself an alcoholic. I'm not a daily drinker, although it had been much more often since I started getting sick, and since. When I drank beer, I only drank socially. We had a keg-o-rater at one point, and I never once just poured a beer to enjoy by myself. Wine on the other hand, has become a completely different animal. I love everything about it: the way it relaxes me, make me more social, helps me sleep, the taste, the beauty of it, the warmth, and on and on. My problem wasn't in the social drinking, it was drinking alone. It became a crutch to a certain extent. So, this little exercise in not drinking has been really good for me. I hope I've thrown that crutch away. Now, don't get me wrong - I'll drink again soon. I do love it. I just don't plan to depend on it. The last ten days have been much easier than the first five (even through dinner with friends who were drinking, wedding receptions, BBQ's, etc), but some shit I've been able to push down and avoid through alcohol - now demands my attention. I can't hide from it. My sleep has suffered, and I have a lot of work to do on myself. Still, I'm at least aware of it…the same way I'm aware of how I use food….alcohol and food can smell a shit show from a mile away. Oh, and by the way - my friends folded on Day 12, so I'm especially proud of continuing on - if they would have folded earlier, I would have followed them.

A friend and I check in with each other nightly to see how our day went with food and exercise. It's a really nice accountability piece. I screen shot her My Fitness Pal for the day, and we compare. She is much more disciplined than me when it comes to food. For the most part, she doesn't even hit 1200 calories. She and I started gaining about the same time, for similar, but different reasons. I have a shit ton of admiration for this woman. She not only is climbing a metaphorical mountain, but she's running up it - barefoot.

I'm back :) Took Jesse for a walk with a friend and her dog. 13,000 steps for the day -which makes me happy for a weekday.

I'm back again…Cal gave me a rundown of the first half of season 4 of Dawson's Creek.

While driving home tonight, I heard this song that always kicks my ass. Thankfully it wasn't a commercial hit, so I only hear it every six months or so - by accident. I remember my blue tooth just coming on randomly while driving to my first ever evaluation (to the place I weighed in at for that year and a half or so). I was a blubbering mess on that drive. Ugh. The song has that kind of power. Tonight I was driving Brian's car and flipped it over to CD, and it came on some old mix CD I had in there. This time, I felt like I was going to puke, though. No tears, just nausea. #progress  Anyway, I've been loving on this new song, and she sings about how good she is except for every time I hear that song. I always thought for me - there's thousands of songs that bring different emotions - since music is such a big part of me. Anyway, I was reminded tonight, that there really is that one song. I hope you like Every Time I hear that Song, I think we can all relate, whether we have that one or a thousand.

I would like to leave you with a request….I ask that you pray for Cori and her family. Cori lost her husband, suddenly, to an accident. Cori is one of us. I first met her through boot camp and this blog. She has been a big supporter, even promoting it on FB, without me asking. She is a really genuine soul, and I like her a great deal. When I saw her at the visitation, she asked all sorts of questions about how I was feeling. In a nutshell, that's the kind of person she is. I can't imagine the depths of her loss, and feel so much for her and her girls. Please keep them, as well, as her husband Randy in your prayers. Thank you so much.

~Jen