I'm sure many of you can relate to this photo all too well. Trust me, I get it. I get it so much more than I wish I did. I still hide it. I still feel like I have to fix it, but it gets to be less and less. Hoping it gets that way for you, too.

It's Sunday morning, which is usually my favorite time of week. This week is a little off as Caleb's been pretty sick since Wed. Brian was home with him on Wed and Thurs, and I stayed home with him on Fri. Cal has strep throat, and has been on antibiotics since Thurs. He wasn't responding to them, so I took him back in yesterday. The Dr put him on a different antibiotic, and Cal tells me this morning, his throat still hurts the same.  He is drinking better, so I think he is doing better than he thinks. It's just probably hard to tell when you feel like shit. Hoping this next round in a few hours will make a huge difference. Patient Zero has been quarantined in our bedroom going on five days now. I've been in and out trying to get laundry out of there this  morning and doing little things. I don't want to do the major stuff until he knows he's feeling better, though. Here's hoping it's today!

The dreariness of the winter is catching up with me these days. I'm dreaming of sun. My friend Marie and I did get out hiking yesterday, though. It was cold, so at least the ground was frozen. It was much easier to walk on this week, than last. Once again, hiking to save the day. It really helps so much, with everything. I stole Jesse's bff, so she could go hiking with us, too. I'm so glad I did. They had such a ball running around together. I should go hiking again, but I don't have that drive to get out there on my own today. I'll probably take the dogs walking in the neighborhood. I've been back and forth as to how to get my steps in as the snow lightly drizzles out there, and it's butt ass cold. I do enjoy that so much more than being in a gym, though.

A coworker of mine (who actually just gave his notice to do construction full-time) is finishing up the painting in our living room and hallway this morning. Spending the money to have someone else do something I should be doing, was a hard trigger to pull. We have been in this house for 14 months now, and something had to be done. I'll do the rest of the painting, but I knew he would do a better job than I would in those tricky areas. I'm really, really thrilled with it. It would have been nice if I didn't have a giant unexpected vehicle bill at the same time, but the car situation could've been really catastrophic. I just keep thinking about that and glad nobody was hurt. I can live with a shop bill. I couldn't live with something happening to my family.

I worked really hard the week going into this last weigh-in. I'm not sure if my body wasn't responding because it's going through a little plateau, I need to change things up, or if it was because of that time of month. Ah and that time of month-who the fuck knows when that really is. I stopped spotting yesterday. It didn't come, but who knows...what tomorrow will bring. Last time I spotted for 7 weeks after my "period." I don't know if I should go on the regular pill instead of this three month thing or what. I do know that my hormones are better being on the pill, however. Anyway, I lost two pounds last week. I worked hard for those two pounds. I feel pretty good about it. I know I have such a long way to go, but I truly am enjoying clothing continuing to get bigger on me. I have a couple of things on now that I'm swimming in, that were things I couldn't wear all that long ago. I wish things could be faster...I do...but in order for the weight to come off fast, I need to do more than I'm doing. There are a number of things I can improve on. The gal I weigh-in with always says I'm too hard on myself. I have to be, though. The girl who wasn't hard enough on herself when it came to discipline, the girl who said she'd start tomorrow, the girl who thought she deserved to eat whatever...was sixty pounds heavier and very sick.  I feel like the weight loss is moving at a snail's pace these days, but I'm still going in the right direction. I do need to kick it up, though. It's way too early in the process to become complacent. I have a long way to go. But for now, I think about the 8 pounds I need to get down to that next number. 

My Auntie Clara has talked to me about the benefits of taking apple cider vinegar for years now. For the past twenty years or so, she has taken a shot of it every morning. It works for her, so I started doing the same thing on Monday. Holy shit that stuff is gross. Some days are easier than others to shoot it, but taking it on an empty stomach is a little rough. My tummy does not like it. It gets better once I start drinking my smoothie or eat something, though. I like the idea of getting my metabolism started with it first thing. If my tummy doesn't get better with it by this time next week, I'll have to change the time of day I take it. I will continue to take it regardless. The health benefits of ACV are simply tremendous. 

I should get a move on. I've got to walk the dogs and meet up with a friend for a little bit, later. I need to enjoy the last day of this weekend before the new week calls. I'm now on the countdown to a three day weekend to celebrate my birthday. The mini-vaca is coming up in less than three weeks. I really wanted to be down into that next number by then, but I don't think that's going to happen. I'll give it a good effort and be happy with whatever, though. Anyway, the countdown to vacation, will make these next work weeks easier. I will say that the biggest reason I chose where we are going is the hiking opportunities. I pray the weather works out for us, but having hiking play such a big part in what I do for my birthday is pretty big for me. I'm so very happy that my mind is in this place. Oh, and I'm getting a massage, too.  My body is in desperate need. This is a lot of weight to be pulling up and down these trails. 

Hope you all are enjoying your Sunday. Make the most of it.

~Jen

This meme couldn't be more true....I have to admit that I think that way much less these days, but I've thought this way for most of my life. More than anything now, I try to think of the consequences of what I'm eating. How much will I have to walk to burn that off? How many days of eating good will this ruin? That goes a long way with me. I'm pretty fucking lazy. I don't want to have to work that hard to undo a meal. I say this, but at the same time, I've been thinking about what I need to do to shake things up. My body hasn't been responding as well these past couple of weeks. In thinking of this, I thought about my wine nights (once, sometimes twice a week) and how maybe I should stop. I usually have a Thai night in there, too (usually on the same night). I entertained that thought for about two seconds before cussing myself out, How dare you take away the thing that brings you the most joy! Fuck off. You eat that Thai. You drink that wine. Yes, my food demons are always close at hand. I find it funny that I have such a violent reaction to my own thoughts.

It's January, in the Midwest, so of course the weather has been pretty extreme. Yesterday, it took another extreme direction, and was actually beautiful. I think it got to the mid-fifties or something like that. The sun was out. Oh man...it was chicken soup for the soul. My friend and I took the dogs hiking. We try to get them together once a week or so, so the dogs can burn off some energy. They run laps around my house and go in and out of the house. Yesterday is the first time they've been hiking (well, at least for Jesse) in a couple of months. Oh my God, it was so great, when we let them out of the cars, they just ran crazy in the parking lot. I was dying. It was so great to see. We hiked for quite some time, and I don't think I've ever seen those dogs so happy. A lot of the hike was crazy muddy. I'm really shocked I didn't totally bite it. I came close a couple of times. It felt so good, though. I came home and went right into doing chores. Hiking, Vitamin D, laughter, all gives an energy that you can't find in any pill. It's 32 out right now and a little wet, but I'll still get myself out there today. I need to build off of yesterday. I had been a week since I'd had my last 10k day (actually 12k the last time), and that really is unacceptable. That could be a reason I've been struggling with the weight these last couple of weeks. I was down 10 oz at my last weigh-in. I'll take it, but I'm capable of more. I'm a little worried going into this week's weigh-in, as it's that time of month-but my body doesn't know what to do with it. It started, stopped, spotting, water retention, blah, blah, blah. I'm going to have to work really hard to overcome it this week. I'm just hoping it really starts by Wed. But I guess...if it doesn't and things aren't what I want them to be, I need to remind myself it's not about the weekly weigh-ins. It's about going the distance. It's a marathon, and there are always stumbles in a marathon.

I turn 45 in a month. It's been on my mind a lot lately. I'm not freaked out about turning 45...which is weird for me. I usually take birthdays pretty hard. I don't know, 45 just has a nice ring to it. A friend and I were talking about low self-esteem the other day. I thought about the lowest my self-esteem ever was. There was a time, when I couldn't understand why my friends would want to be friends with me, even. Thankfully that period was fairly short-lived, but self-esteem has always been an issue. I work on it. My therapist probably wants to pull her hair out at times, wanting to make it click for me. I have come a very long way. Age has helped with that. I think about turning 45 and how far I've come in that way. I'll take the benefits of higher self-esteem, caring less about what people think of me, and things along those lines that age brings. Now, I wish it wasn't bringing the panic it does about retirement and if we'll be ready. That has really been bugging me all week. I've got to make some changes to our planning. Hopefully there will be time. Back to the positive: every birthday I make a promise to myself that I will be more healthy by my next birthday, etc. I'm going into this birthday, fulfilling the empty promise I made to myself last year. I still have a long way to go, but I feel good about my progress. I feel good about where I'm at. The scale wasn't overly kind last week, but it was the lowest my blood pressure has been in months. I'll take that over pounds loss any day. The bp has been extremely frustrating to me. I'm hoping and praying this bp trend continues. As the person I weigh-in with every week says, "It's a non-scale victory." I'll take it!

Brian and I had a wonderful dinner last night with White Five, his girlfriend, and my dear friend Cindy. We celebrated White Five being declared cancer-free and the end of his radiation! I mean, wow...we've been waiting for this. I'm so very happy for him. I'm so ready for him to start feeling better and getting back all that cancer has taken from him. He'll even be back to work in a week. I can't wait. I've missed him so very much. The dinner was wonderful and full of laughter as always with that group. If I ever need to feel the love, I simply need to hang around those friends. So, I'll end this thanking you all for your prayers for Jim's recovery. I can't even express how much I appreciate you.

I hope you're able to make the most out of this Sunday. Hopefully the sun is shining wherever you may be. I will be spending part of my day with a friend and checking out This is Us. We are probably the last two people on the planet to see it, but we are going to start by watching the first few episodes. Whatever you're hoping for out of this day, I hope you find it. We are the only ones who can create our own happiness. Enjoy!

​~Jen
I'll watch this video for the first time. It took me a few listens before I really knew what this song was about. I didn't think it could be about the death of a child, but I guess it is. I attended a viewing for the son of a co-worker, not so many days ago. It is truly the "unimaginable." May we all hold our kids tight and remember each day what truly are the most important things in our lives. 

With the exception of football, I haven't really watched much t.v. lately. I'll put on some cooking show in the background if I'm doing something, but I don't think I've seen an actual t.v. program since Jackie and I finally got caught up on "How To Get Away With Murder," Thanksgiving weekend. -And by the way, HOLY SHIT! who saw that ending coming???  Well, that is until I got home tonight. Brian had the Leah Remini Scientology show on (not exactly sure what it's called), and I sat my ass on the couch and was glued for a good couple of hours. I only broke myself free, when it felt like I had been sucked into some sort of t.v. watching cult. The irony... Ha, but it was awesome. I can totally see myself wasting away some Saturday binge watching that thing. A girl can dream can't she?

I had a pretty good week, eating wise. Of course, I had my wine night in there and some Thai, but I ended this 6 days (had to weigh-in a day early due to schedule) feeling good about my effort, as far as food intake. I don't feel great about my walking. I can't say that I had a day where I hit 10k during this stretch. I really have to get back on that (see cartoon above). The weather is such a bitch. I really don't have legit excuses, though. My back is feeling okay, and I do have a gym membership. I haven't been back in the gym since I hurt my back the last time. I know I just need to take it easier this time around. I wish I had that feeling I did when I was younger...I loved putting on shorts (which I'll probably never, ever do again in public) and getting in there in pushing myself. Going to the gym was just part of my day. It would sure be great if I found that love again, but I really dislike the gym. It's a necessary evil with this weather, though. This week, I probably averaged 6-7k steps a day. There's really no reason, I can't get my ass in there and finish up those steps. Anyway, as is my way I guess, I had a few sentences about the good and then focused on the bad. I need to work on that.

My day started a little rough, as I went to grab my smoothie and my husband had drank it. I love it when he has them, because I know how healthy they are. I would love him to do this with me. The problem is, he hasn't had one in a few months, so as I'm getting ready to walk out the door, I had no reason to believe the smoothie would be gone. I didn't have time to make a new one, and it bummed me out. The smoothie gets me going. I really feel like it's the most important thing I have all day. Also....I was hungry this morning, and the smoothie really fills me up. I had cereal for dinner last night, and I was hungry, so I just put myself to bed so I didn't eat any more. You bet your ass, I was waiting for that smoothie this morning. I think Brian thought I was a crazy, bitch this morning (and he's not far off), but I explained to him tonight where I was coming from. He saw that it was hard for me to have that cereal last night when they were having lasagna and French bread. This journey, while easy in a lot of ways, is really tough sometimes. Eating like this, when the rest of the house isn't, is an alienating feeling. I'll take the bad with the good, though, and the good is so worth it. Of course, I got over the smoothie incident of this morning and felt good going into my lunch time weigh-in. I knew I was going to be close to getting into that next ten number. I ended up three ounces away. I dropped the f bomb a couple of times on the scale. In that moment, yeah, I was pretty disappointed. I was down 2 pounds 8 oz, which is fantastic, but for a bit all I thought about was the three ounces. The really funny thing about it, is had I gotten those three ounces, I would've focused on getting further into that number. The scale in a mind fuck for me. I hate it... I sometimes think I should never get on a scale, let alone put out all of my vulnerability and get on a scale in front of someone. However, this is working. I am losing weight. I hate to make any changes. The problem of course, isn't the scale: it's my relationship with it. My relationship with my weight, is the real issue, though. It's all a process. I feel like I'm getting better with the relationship between my brain and body, but I'm half a mile, into a marathon. During my weigh-in we spoke about my goal weight. I hadn't thought about that number in a while. It made me sick to think about it, about how far I have to go. It gives me a feeling in the pit of my stomach even writing about it now. Clear headed Jen knows that I need to concentrate on how far I've come....and I've trying to make 2 pounds 8 ounces a bigger number in my head than those three ounces today. It's a work in progress. A friend did make me laugh today though when she said, "Enjoy those 100 calories while you have them."

I come away from the day with a lot to think about, PMS does that to a chick. (I love that when my mind is crazy and it's getting close, I have something to blame it on). It's a journey, and it's a lifetime. I just know that I'm so glad I'm on it. I feel blessed beyond measure to be starting to get part of me back. 

I could ramble crazy PMS shit all night, but I should take care of a few things. I'll leave you with a song that made me laugh when it came on tonight. A friend of mine is in demand these days, and I said to her yesterday, "Everybody Wants You." I really wanted to reference the Billy Squier song, but she's young, and I knew she wouldn't get it. How did I get so fucking old? Anyway, it's a good one. And just so you know kids, Billy Squier was a total guitar God who had his whole career fucked up by making a bad music video (rolling around on the floor in a pink belly shirt, wasn't a great idea-different video.)

I hope you're enjoying your evening-and Happy Hump Day Eve.

~Jen
​

It's 5:00 on a Friday night, and the only thing I hear is my typing. Perfect Friday night? You bet your sweet ass it is. If it's not obvious by the quiet, I'm not home. I'm at a friend's house waiting for her to get off work. I'd say growth is me not drinking wine, because I know I'd fall asleep before she got here in an hour. My plan was actually to take a nap on her couch while I waited, but I know I probably would never get back up. This week has taken a toll. It has been the kind of week you wouldn't wish on anyone. The kind of week, that has me tired down to my bones. My head has been in overdrive, and as a result, my sleep is way fucked up. But it's Friday, and I'm putting that behind me. I'm just praying this weekend gets me right.

​Admitedlly, I ate too much over the Christmas break. I ate too much on Christmas, and then too much during Mom's entire weeklong stay. We know, that normally I beat the holy shit out of myself for something like that, but I've been surprisingly zen about it this time. Who knows, maybe age is finally mellowing that fucked up part of my brain. I guess it just goes alone with everything about my journey this time, being different. Although I ate too much, I didn't go fucking nuts. It wasn't a normal holiday in that regard. I was aware (there's the word I've been overusing lately) of all that I was doing, even when it meant eating a cupcake three nights in a row (we had them made for Cal's birthday). I hadn't eaten regular sugar since I'd started this thing. I was ready to get back on track, and I went right after it. It was funny, by the evening of the first day back of eating clean, I felt tons better. The body is so forgiving. A friend of mine just started watching her weight on Monday, and she said the same thing-she felt better by the end of night one. I always think of my body as fighting me. Gaining weight has always been easy breezy, while losing it has always been exceptionally tough. If you've dieted much, you know all about getting your body "regular" again, which is what happened immediately. I got rid of all of that water weight I put on instantaneously. Okay, you know I would totally go into detail about being regular and all that entails as I do with a couple close friends, but I'm sparing you those details. But....I could talk "regularity" all day... My weigh-in was Wed (two weeks since my last). I knew my body bounced back quickly, and I'm super pumped to say I was down 2.5 pounds from my weigh-in two weeks before. My body got rid of the crap and then some. I can also tell you that 2.5 most likely came out of my boobs (look again...I'm getting so mature, I didn't say tits). I was in front of the mirror the other morning, and was like wtf happened to them? Let me tell you, the addition of boobs, was the only good thing about my weight gain. Do I think I deserve that 2.5 pounds? Yeah, no, but I'll sure as hell take it. There have been weeks I've worked my ass off, to only see ounces come off the scale. I'm certainly not going to turn my back on any weight loss.

​Something funny has started to happen lately: I've actually finally started getting happy about the weight loss. I know I have so far to go, and if I think about it much, I'll just get depressed. Over the holiday, I bought a new pair of jeans, and they were the next size down. I'm now one size away from probably starting to feel like a human again. I wore the jeans today, and a coworker said, she couldn't quit staring at my ass. Ha. Too funny. I'm still fat as fuck, but even skinny I have an ass. I'm really not much of a Native. I only wish that was the "in" thing when I was younger and hated it so. I haven't actually thought about my ass in years, so she really cracked me up. I also had plans to wear a baggy sweatshirt (or sweater) this morning (as is my M.O.), but for shits and giggles I put on my Richard Sherman jersey. I bought this jersey a few months after I started my current job (and I gained a ton of weight those first few months of work), so it's a very large size, but I quickly outgrew it. I'd been throwing it on every once in a while after my weight loss started, but it has never been within reach, until this morning...when I put it on and the thing is baggy. I have a big shirt on underneath it. That put a big smile on my face. To have that smile, after this week, felt really good. A couple of coworkers made mention of what I was wearing this morning, and said I looked good (look...I know it's all relative but I was happy to hear it today). It was shortly after the other  girl said she couldn't quit staring at my ass, so I told them to watch me walk away. Boom. haha. My 22 y/o friend was asking me today, if I felt like a completely different person. No, not at all. But I do feel more human today. My eyes are on losing the next 3+ pounds, so I get into that next 10 category. I will tell you, that feeling more human is huge for me. Fucking huge.

​I'm grateful for the smoothies I have for breakfast. I honestly believe that's the most important part of my day. It fills me up, and I get so many great greens and fruits in one glass. I'm loving the Lara Bars (made of fruits and nuts). I have one for a snack most days. Yogurt dressing is also a new fave. 35-45 cals per 2 TSP. It's not bad. Of course, I'd prefer ranch or Caesar, but I'd also prefer not to eat myself to death. If you buy it, just be dillegent about checking the dates. It doesn't have the shelf life of a normal dressing (a good sign). Often, I make a simple romaine salad (usually just a couple handfuls from a bag) and eat with lunch and or/dinner. Again, it helps to keep me full and "regular." I don't stress too much about what I'm eating with it, as long as I keep the portions small and have that salad. Anyway, I thought I'd pass along a couple of tips that have been helping me. I'd love to hear any of your tips as well.

​I should get going. I'm looking forward to sitting in the dark and quiet for 15 minutes. I rarely get that, and it's what I've been needing.

​Oh, as I pulled into work this morning, "I Want Your Sex" came on the radio. I soooo love the beg. of that song. I was so pissed I had to get out of my car. Stupid work. Anyway, the lyrics are still brilliant, even in a song like this. God love George Michael. Enjoy.

​Happy Weekend and go Seahawks!

~Jen

Happy New Year! Good morning! How does your head feel? My lips are purple from the wine and I just took a couple of Advil, but all in all it's pretty good here. I usually start the new year off by reading through the past year of the blog. I have time constraints today, as Mom is in the shower and we only have a few hours left before heading for the airport. Hopefully I can get to it next week, though.

Today is already shaping up to be a really fantastic day. Our neice Taylor just had her water break. Hopefully there will be a baby today! I can't tell you how much I wish I could be there. I'm tearing up as I'm writing this. The holidays are always an exceptionally tough time to be so far away from family. It helped a lot that Mom was here, though. The visit has been so nice. I'm sorry it's coming to an end so soon. It was also tough yesterday, as I really wish we were in Washinton for Jeff's service. 

I guess my resolutions have basically been the same since I can remember. I always want to get healthier and lose weight. This year I'm looking at it a little bit differently, as I just want to continue what I've been doing (last 11 days excluded). I think eating the way I have this last couple of weeks isn't the worst thing in the world. I really feel like shit. I crave getting back on track. I wish I would've been stronger during this stretch, but man...Mom's cooking. I just keep thinking she's not here much longer and to enjoy it. I love everything about it until I have to take a Tums (which I didn't have to do for the previous 2 1/2 months). I am ready to start getting my shit back together tomorrow. 

This morning has been different than New Years past. I think about even last year and all of the texts from the night before and that I woke up to. It was a lot different this year. It's all on me.... I've fallen off the face of the earth in so many ways. I wish I could say my resolution would be to get myself back out there-to be in better touch with people. In this moment, I'm not there, though. I woke up wishing I could just have a week by myself. A week where I could write (book) and sleep. I know that's selfish as all get out, but I've spent a lifetime putting everyone else first. I really just crave alone time these days. Despite the tinge of sadness, I also woke up grateful for such a new New Year. The night was spent with Mom and also with Caleb at a friend's house. I'd also been invited out with another friend but wasn't able to go. It feels good to be so far from so many people I love but also know that I have people here that love me.

I cleaned out my cubbies at work on Thursday. I shred all my paystubs (since they are available online), and I took a bunch of stuff home. Just that act, felt so good. It felt good because I'd really been wanting to clean the area for a while, but mostly it felt freeing. I feel less tied to the place now, and I needed that. I'm certainly not making any huge decisions right now, but I've been thinking a ton lately about quality of life. We have just this one life, and it feels so wrong to me that I spend the bulk of my time working at a career that doesn't feed my soul. I spend so much time in the car. Idk. Work is a necessary evil, and I'm a firm believer that the grass isn't always greener. I just know for me, I long for more. I long to feel good about what I did, at the end of the day. We'll see what 2017 has in store. 

I should get going. We are making a big breakfast this morning and Mom is now ready. I just wanted to wish you a wonderful New Year. If your hungover, I've heard amazing things about drinking pickle juice. Good luck to you.

~Jen