I had a pretty good week, eating wise. Of course, I had my wine night in there and some Thai, but I ended this 6 days (had to weigh-in a day early due to schedule) feeling good about my effort, as far as food intake. I don't feel great about my walking. I can't say that I had a day where I hit 10k during this stretch. I really have to get back on that (see cartoon above). The weather is such a bitch. I really don't have legit excuses, though. My back is feeling okay, and I do have a gym membership. I haven't been back in the gym since I hurt my back the last time. I know I just need to take it easier this time around. I wish I had that feeling I did when I was younger...I loved putting on shorts (which I'll probably never, ever do again in public) and getting in there in pushing myself. Going to the gym was just part of my day. It would sure be great if I found that love again, but I really dislike the gym. It's a necessary evil with this weather, though. This week, I probably averaged 6-7k steps a day. There's really no reason, I can't get my ass in there and finish up those steps. Anyway, as is my way I guess, I had a few sentences about the good and then focused on the bad. I need to work on that.
My day started a little rough, as I went to grab my smoothie and my husband had drank it. I love it when he has them, because I know how healthy they are. I would love him to do this with me. The problem is, he hasn't had one in a few months, so as I'm getting ready to walk out the door, I had no reason to believe the smoothie would be gone. I didn't have time to make a new one, and it bummed me out. The smoothie gets me going. I really feel like it's the most important thing I have all day. Also....I was hungry this morning, and the smoothie really fills me up. I had cereal for dinner last night, and I was hungry, so I just put myself to bed so I didn't eat any more. You bet your ass, I was waiting for that smoothie this morning. I think Brian thought I was a crazy, bitch this morning (and he's not far off), but I explained to him tonight where I was coming from. He saw that it was hard for me to have that cereal last night when they were having lasagna and French bread. This journey, while easy in a lot of ways, is really tough sometimes. Eating like this, when the rest of the house isn't, is an alienating feeling. I'll take the bad with the good, though, and the good is so worth it. Of course, I got over the smoothie incident of this morning and felt good going into my lunch time weigh-in. I knew I was going to be close to getting into that next ten number. I ended up three ounces away. I dropped the f bomb a couple of times on the scale. In that moment, yeah, I was pretty disappointed. I was down 2 pounds 8 oz, which is fantastic, but for a bit all I thought about was the three ounces. The really funny thing about it, is had I gotten those three ounces, I would've focused on getting further into that number. The scale in a mind fuck for me. I hate it... I sometimes think I should never get on a scale, let alone put out all of my vulnerability and get on a scale in front of someone. However, this is working. I am losing weight. I hate to make any changes. The problem of course, isn't the scale: it's my relationship with it. My relationship with my weight, is the real issue, though. It's all a process. I feel like I'm getting better with the relationship between my brain and body, but I'm half a mile, into a marathon. During my weigh-in we spoke about my goal weight. I hadn't thought about that number in a while. It made me sick to think about it, about how far I have to go. It gives me a feeling in the pit of my stomach even writing about it now. Clear headed Jen knows that I need to concentrate on how far I've come....and I've trying to make 2 pounds 8 ounces a bigger number in my head than those three ounces today. It's a work in progress. A friend did make me laugh today though when she said, "Enjoy those 100 calories while you have them."
I come away from the day with a lot to think about, PMS does that to a chick. (I love that when my mind is crazy and it's getting close, I have something to blame it on). It's a journey, and it's a lifetime. I just know that I'm so glad I'm on it. I feel blessed beyond measure to be starting to get part of me back.
I could ramble crazy PMS shit all night, but I should take care of a few things. I'll leave you with a song that made me laugh when it came on tonight. A friend of mine is in demand these days, and I said to her yesterday, "Everybody Wants You." I really wanted to reference the Billy Squier song, but she's young, and I knew she wouldn't get it. How did I get so fucking old? Anyway, it's a good one. And just so you know kids, Billy Squier was a total guitar God who had his whole career fucked up by making a bad music video (rolling around on the floor in a pink belly shirt, wasn't a great idea-different video.)
I hope you're enjoying your evening-and Happy Hump Day Eve.