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Bad Moms

8/27/2016

Happy Saturday! Oh, I've waited all week to say those words. I don't know about you, but I start the weekend countdown on Monday. Imagine my week, as every single day last week...I kept thinking it was the day ahead. Yep, even Monday, I thought it was Tuesday. That's a special kind of denial, isn't it?! It's all been worth it, though. This morning has been nice and lazy. So lazy in fact, I wasn't even going to write. I've been caught up in House of Cards lately, and that's where I want to put all of my free time. Yeah, I've already seen two episodes this morning. But the call of writing broke me free from my newfound HOC addiction. How I love this time of morning when the house is still sleeping.

I'm so grateful to report that this weekend is so much better than the way I went into last weekend. That week before had been brutal, most notably Thursday and Friday. It was funny...as I was going through it, I kept thinking this feels just like PMS and the hormonal issues I have. I felt even more crazy knowing it wasn't hormones but just my crazy self. Come to find out...as I ended my week in my pill box and had to get in my birth control...yeah, it makes sense that it was hormones! It was right before my period would start (if I weren't on this 3 month birth control pill). The pill has been really helpful in helping to ward off the hormonal issues, but it has been a balanced attack. I've been out of my Evening Primrose for a few weeks now..which was stupid. I was hoping the pills would be enough, but clearly it isn't. The Evening Primrose really does help. Diet helps as well, and although I've been off the soda for a few months now-my eating habits have sucked. Here's where I sound all hippy dippy or whatever...but I've been forced to listen to my body lately when it comes to eating meat, especially red meat. I just didn't feel good after eating it, and I knew I needed to start the journey back to getting away from it. I don't know that I'm ready to go all the way again (although I've always allowed for seafood and eggs), but I knew I needed to take a step in that direction: especially on the heels of the terrible hormonal stuff. There are so many hormones in the meat we eat, that I think it really helps to fuck with my system. So, I promised Amy I wouldn't eat meat (except the seafood and eggs) for seven days. I'm doing it the way I started so many years ago...letting myself eat anything that first week, as long as there wasn't meat in the diet. Today is day 6. That's the longest I've gone in quite some time. I have to tell you, I do feel better. I would probably feel great, if it weren't for all of the other shit and dairy I've been eating. Tonight will be the hardest time to say no to meat, in that we're going to our good friends house tonight for pulled pork sandwiches. They slow cook it over 18 hours, and it really is phenomenal. I know I won't break, but I'll miss it tonight. I know I will. Hopefully, not eating it, will also make me feel like I have some sort of power over my own will. It's funny...since it's my own brain...but I feel so powerless and weak all the time. Making the decision to not eat meat this week, takes me back to something I like and miss about myself. The girl who cared more about the treatment of animals and her own health, than the convenience of eating meat. I miss her...I have to get back to her somehow. I'm not exactly sure of the approach I'll take come Monday (after my seven days), but I really want to build on this momentum.

As a mom, I'm always worried about the boys and what's going on in their lives. Actually, let me rephrase that...I over-worry about everything. One thing that I've always loved, is Ryne's ability to make friends. He has all sorts of friends, from all sorts of groups. I love that he's always having fun and doing something different with the guys. When it comes to Caleb, I've always worried about his ability to make and maintain friendships. It's totally understandable...I mean he was diagnosed with Autism at age two. Although he is a totally different kid, than his earlier years, the friendship thing has always been there. He's just different than most kids. It's not bad. I'm not saying that at all. It's just different. This summer has made all of the difference, though. The past few weeks have really been so much different than ever before. Caleb, who would prefer to stay indoors, has been going to the park every day. A newer friend of his starting coming over and asking is he wanted to go to the park. Now, they go every day. It's not only the one friend Cal plays with, he's playing with other kids as well. When I grew up, I was never, ever home. I played outside as late as I could every day. I've always wanted the same for the boys. I'm so very happy that Cal has this now. That he feels comfortable enough to be around other kids and play like this. Here's the real kicker...after the park last night, his friend called and asked him to spend the night. Before he even came home this morning, another Mom text and asked if Cal could spend the night with her son Jack tonight. I cannot tell you how full my heart is with all of these newer developments. I just can't even convey...how happy this makes my heart.

Last weekend, as I was still trying to recover from the really bad days, I went to the movies with a friend. The last thing I wanted to do was leave the house and be around someone. But I knew it would probably be good for me, and I was already starting to feel better. I knew it would be good for that friend, too: to just have a night of not having to think about anything. We had a couple of drinks before going to Bad Moms. Walking into the fairly full theater, it was quite obvious that we weren't the only ones rocking a nice buzz. The moviegoers were all ready...they came out looking for a good time and got it. It was such a great experience, not only how fucking funny the movie is on its own, but how everyone got into it. There was this bigger guy sitting to the left of me, and he was commentating the whole time. While annoying, I found it hilarious! So, I figured it is really a public service announcement to tell you to go out and see it. Go with your girlfriends (as I had heard how great it was from several friends who went on girls night), or go with your man. They'll love it, too. And hey, you might even end up giving them a "blowy" after such a great date night.

Enjoy your day! Hope you find something that makes you feel good about yourself and own it...whether it's not eating meat or taking time out for yourself to watch a little t.v. or get to the theater. Do something for you.

Jen

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Sometimes it can wait, and sometimes it can't.

8/20/2016

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Oh Saturday, how I've waited for you. It's been all I really hoped for at this point. My sleep has been poor lately, so I knew I would wake up way too early, but my hope was for an early morning nap. Victory! I think I sleep best in the morning. I've never been a morning person...never. In fact, my Mom has always dubbed me the "Worst Morning Person In The World." I'm sure she meant that with tons of love, though.
The last few weeks have kinda kicked my ass. I've always had insecurity issues, and have been way too hard on myself. How I wish I had a dollar for every time a therapist has told me to talk to myself like I would my best friend or someone I love. If I had all of that money, Asha (who has dibs on one day being my assistant-you know after my book is a best-seller-LMAO), would be typing this blog for me. I heard those words again Thursday. I knew they were coming. I know she's right. I believe in that. I believe in that for everyone I love. One day, I hope to practice it. Sometimes are better than others, but I've been unusually weak lately, and have kicked the shit out of myself. It's especially bothersome to me, that I'm have such self doubt and loathing, when I'm shown over and over again how loved I am. It's kind of crazy. I then feel bad about that and beat myself up over feeling like this when I shouldn't.
Recently, my friend Dracy's little sister, Devin passed away unexpectedly. I was in shock, as was everyone else who heard the news. I immediately called Dracy, and it was one of the hardest phone conversations I've ever had. It's hard to hear someone you love in that much pain. It had just happened, and Dracy was in such a state of shock. It's a helpless feeling to know that know matter what you do or say, you can't take any of that pain away. I felt so bad that I was all the way out here and couldn't be with her family that day. I waited and went out to the memorial service last weekend. It was a painful time before I could get out there.
I gave myself a day while I was out in Vancouver to see friends. I hadn't been there in over two years. I had been sick all week. It was a weird illness. I was sick to my stomach, light headed, and completely lethargic. I was especially frustrated as I wasn't certain the illness wasn't brought on by anxiety. I've never had it come out that way, but it was such a different illness and everything has been so nuts lately, I figure that was what it was. Nurse Kristy had really kind of taken control of my time in Vancouver and it was so appreciated. I got in so late on a weeknight, that I didn't want to bother anyone. Plus, I was so drained from being sick. NK was the first person in Vancouver I let know I was coming. I told her I was just going to get a room at a hotel that first night and rent a car. At the time, I thought a lot about my decision...mostly not wanting to bother anyone, but also wanting alone time. I knew this was crazy, as I feel so alone out here so often, and I would be near all of these people, and I still wanted to be alone. Well, NK wouldn't let that happen. She told me she was going to pick me up, I was staying at her house, and I was taking her car. I went from thinking I wanted solitude, to being incredibly grateful to having a friend who just wanted to simplify things for me. As I write this, I think of that moment she was telling me all of this and how relieved I was. As adults, always making adult decisions...it was nice to have someone make decisions for me. My flight was a couple hours late, so I was especially tired when we got out to her place. I've stayed with her before, but it has been a while, and I didn't realize she had given me her room. I never do that with company. Just so sweet. We had the best visit. It was great, just sitting around the next morning in our pj's talking about everything and anything.
I met Jo for a walk and lunch on the Columbia River. It was funny, I was looking at the water, and I realized just how much I miss being in Washington. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Friendship and water. The perfect combination. We had a great time. Afterward, I met NK and Cookie for a boat ride to meet a few friends at the Island Cafe. It was such a nice visit all the way around. I'm so glad I kept it small. I still wasn't feeling great, but the mix was perfect. There was no need for me to entertain anyone. We all just visited and had a great time. By the time 9 rolled around, I had hit a wall (actually I'd hit it a couple hours earlier, but am glad I pushed through that long). I felt bad calling it a night so early, but NK was of course totally cool about everything and we left early.
The next day I headed about an hour and a half north to see Dracy and her family. It was so incredibly hard to see that kind of grief. I guess that's all I'll say about that part. As hard as it all was, I was so grateful to see Dracy and her family. I haven't lived in the same town as any family member since I left for college. Dracy's family has always treated me as a part of their family. I've always so appreciated that and have had a real love for all of them. I hadn't seen them since before the moves started five years ago. There I was and it was just as it was all of those years...treating me like I was one of them. I have so much love for them and always have. Willie (Dracy's dad) and I share the same birthday, and I've always really felt something special for that man. I was glad I could be there with them all for a couple of days. I'm so grateful to have been able to reconnect with all of them. After the service, it was so nice for us all to get out and have dinner together. Under the worst of circumstances, they managed to put on smiles and make fun of me as they always have (I wouldn't have it any other way), Dracy and I told the kind of stories only we could tell. Oh, we've done some dumb ass stuff together over the years. At the heart of everything, was a real sense of love. I love that family. I love how much they all love and respect one another. A couple of people had said to me, about going there, that I was a good friend for doing that, that they are lucky to have me. I never once have thought those things, I feel lucky to be in their lives, and lucky that such wonderful people love me, all of my flaws and all.
Flying home was hard. I missed my family, but at the same time, I felt my time there was unfinished. It was a very difficult plane ride. I had so many things on my mind. I'm sure the two young guys I was sitting between, were like, boy that old bitch is emotional.
It has been a crazy time in life lately, when it comes to dealing with mortality. One of the guys from our old group died of a heart attack last week. We've lost so many people from that group...I would say half of those guys are gone now. These guys are no more than ten years older than me. Some of them were gone before my age now. It's just strange...I'll bet there's one heck of a party up in heaven with all of those boys up there.
Illness seems to be all around now. There was a service for one of the Wrangell guys last night who lost his life to cancer. Many of my friends were able to be there, and I'm so glad they could be to celebrate the life of someone who loved life so much. My prayers are full right now for people I know who are sick or their loved ones are sick. I've never seen it like this. It's a hard thing to wrap the head around.
I sit here, just smelling rain, which is one of my favorite smells. I guess that's what happens when you grow up in a rain forest. I'm looking around at my house, which desperately needs cleaned. My being gone certainly wasn't kind to my house, the boys started school this week, and Brian is in Vegas right now. And, let me tell you, the house shows it. It's funny...this sort of thing makes me certifiable, but not today. Today, it can wait. I needed to let these things out today, for nobody else but myself. It's helping me heal. Cleaning can wait.
I'll close with what Linda (Dracy's mom) has mentioned a few times since losing her daughter, don't wait...tell people you love them, visit them, don't miss these opportunities. Hold the ones you love tight. You never know what's around the corner.
In your prayers tongiht, please include the Church family and Devin. I appreciate it.

Enjoy your weekend. Enjoy every last minute of it. The house cleaning can wait.

Love,

Jen

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A few hours can make all the difference.

8/3/2016

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Everyone has felt like they just want to get in their car and start driving, at one time or another. Some might want to drive to Maui (which is also apparently in Mexico) according to someone I used to work with. Life has been overwhelmingly crazy lately, and I’ve really had the itch to go somewhere. There’s a catch: I hardly have any vacation time, oh, and I have a family to worry about ;) The bff ended up working through the weekend in Michigan, this past weekend instead of flying home. We were both lamenting on how overwhelming everything has been lately, and how we haven’t had as much time for one another, blah, blah, blah. So, I said, wtf…I’ll just drive out and see you tonight (about 4 hours with road construction). It felt so freeing to make a spontaneous trip like that. Brian is going to Vegas in a couple of weeks, so I was kind of owed a night. I listened to Howard Stern, I blasted the tunes, and I saw parts of the Midwest I’d never seen. It was really a nice drive. I ignored my phone and just focused on what was right in front of me. Amy had to work the next day, so we knew our time was going to be short. As is always the case with her and I, we made the most of our time, though. We went to a nice brewery for dinner, she drove me around the Notre Dame campus, and we stopped at the grotto to say a prayer for someone very close to her who is sick, we went to a local hole in the wall, had one beer and listened to this crazy, hard rock band. We were both tuckered out by midnight, but we still made time to have a deep, meaningful talk. We continued the talk in the morning, and just like that, our time was over. It was fantastic, though. It truly was what we both needed. With her gone to work, I had the hotel to myself. I was able to have a nice breakfast, and then went back to take a nap. I haven’t been sleeping well, but I slept really hard for about an hour. There really is no better feeling than waking up to a pile of drool (yes, spoken like an old person). I lounged around nearly the whole morning before getting back in the car and enjoying another drive. So, the next time we desperately want to get in a car and just drive…before you completely dismiss it as total craziness…see if it really is possible. I kind of have that feeling now, halfway through the work week, but today I’m happy to drive down to the local watering hole to meet a friend for $1 draft night.

I attached the picture above, as I found it hilarious that a friend and I were group texted this same meme by two different ppl this week. What kind of gal do they think I am? Yes, the kind of gal who will talk about nearly anything without getting embarrassed. I love it.

I hope Hump Day is treating you well, and allowing you to be as free as you want to be.

Oh, and I'll leave you with some Gwen. I've been on a total Gwen/No Doubt kick. This new album (yes, I know that's not what the kids call it) is really good.
~Jen

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