The last few weeks have kinda kicked my ass. I've always had insecurity issues, and have been way too hard on myself. How I wish I had a dollar for every time a therapist has told me to talk to myself like I would my best friend or someone I love. If I had all of that money, Asha (who has dibs on one day being my assistant-you know after my book is a best-seller-LMAO), would be typing this blog for me. I heard those words again Thursday. I knew they were coming. I know she's right. I believe in that. I believe in that for everyone I love. One day, I hope to practice it. Sometimes are better than others, but I've been unusually weak lately, and have kicked the shit out of myself. It's especially bothersome to me, that I'm have such self doubt and loathing, when I'm shown over and over again how loved I am. It's kind of crazy. I then feel bad about that and beat myself up over feeling like this when I shouldn't.
Recently, my friend Dracy's little sister, Devin passed away unexpectedly. I was in shock, as was everyone else who heard the news. I immediately called Dracy, and it was one of the hardest phone conversations I've ever had. It's hard to hear someone you love in that much pain. It had just happened, and Dracy was in such a state of shock. It's a helpless feeling to know that know matter what you do or say, you can't take any of that pain away. I felt so bad that I was all the way out here and couldn't be with her family that day. I waited and went out to the memorial service last weekend. It was a painful time before I could get out there.
I gave myself a day while I was out in Vancouver to see friends. I hadn't been there in over two years. I had been sick all week. It was a weird illness. I was sick to my stomach, light headed, and completely lethargic. I was especially frustrated as I wasn't certain the illness wasn't brought on by anxiety. I've never had it come out that way, but it was such a different illness and everything has been so nuts lately, I figure that was what it was. Nurse Kristy had really kind of taken control of my time in Vancouver and it was so appreciated. I got in so late on a weeknight, that I didn't want to bother anyone. Plus, I was so drained from being sick. NK was the first person in Vancouver I let know I was coming. I told her I was just going to get a room at a hotel that first night and rent a car. At the time, I thought a lot about my decision...mostly not wanting to bother anyone, but also wanting alone time. I knew this was crazy, as I feel so alone out here so often, and I would be near all of these people, and I still wanted to be alone. Well, NK wouldn't let that happen. She told me she was going to pick me up, I was staying at her house, and I was taking her car. I went from thinking I wanted solitude, to being incredibly grateful to having a friend who just wanted to simplify things for me. As I write this, I think of that moment she was telling me all of this and how relieved I was. As adults, always making adult decisions...it was nice to have someone make decisions for me. My flight was a couple hours late, so I was especially tired when we got out to her place. I've stayed with her before, but it has been a while, and I didn't realize she had given me her room. I never do that with company. Just so sweet. We had the best visit. It was great, just sitting around the next morning in our pj's talking about everything and anything.
I met Jo for a walk and lunch on the Columbia River. It was funny, I was looking at the water, and I realized just how much I miss being in Washington. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Friendship and water. The perfect combination. We had a great time. Afterward, I met NK and Cookie for a boat ride to meet a few friends at the Island Cafe. It was such a nice visit all the way around. I'm so glad I kept it small. I still wasn't feeling great, but the mix was perfect. There was no need for me to entertain anyone. We all just visited and had a great time. By the time 9 rolled around, I had hit a wall (actually I'd hit it a couple hours earlier, but am glad I pushed through that long). I felt bad calling it a night so early, but NK was of course totally cool about everything and we left early.
The next day I headed about an hour and a half north to see Dracy and her family. It was so incredibly hard to see that kind of grief. I guess that's all I'll say about that part. As hard as it all was, I was so grateful to see Dracy and her family. I haven't lived in the same town as any family member since I left for college. Dracy's family has always treated me as a part of their family. I've always so appreciated that and have had a real love for all of them. I hadn't seen them since before the moves started five years ago. There I was and it was just as it was all of those years...treating me like I was one of them. I have so much love for them and always have. Willie (Dracy's dad) and I share the same birthday, and I've always really felt something special for that man. I was glad I could be there with them all for a couple of days. I'm so grateful to have been able to reconnect with all of them. After the service, it was so nice for us all to get out and have dinner together. Under the worst of circumstances, they managed to put on smiles and make fun of me as they always have (I wouldn't have it any other way), Dracy and I told the kind of stories only we could tell. Oh, we've done some dumb ass stuff together over the years. At the heart of everything, was a real sense of love. I love that family. I love how much they all love and respect one another. A couple of people had said to me, about going there, that I was a good friend for doing that, that they are lucky to have me. I never once have thought those things, I feel lucky to be in their lives, and lucky that such wonderful people love me, all of my flaws and all.
Flying home was hard. I missed my family, but at the same time, I felt my time there was unfinished. It was a very difficult plane ride. I had so many things on my mind. I'm sure the two young guys I was sitting between, were like, boy that old bitch is emotional.
It has been a crazy time in life lately, when it comes to dealing with mortality. One of the guys from our old group died of a heart attack last week. We've lost so many people from that group...I would say half of those guys are gone now. These guys are no more than ten years older than me. Some of them were gone before my age now. It's just strange...I'll bet there's one heck of a party up in heaven with all of those boys up there.
Illness seems to be all around now. There was a service for one of the Wrangell guys last night who lost his life to cancer. Many of my friends were able to be there, and I'm so glad they could be to celebrate the life of someone who loved life so much. My prayers are full right now for people I know who are sick or their loved ones are sick. I've never seen it like this. It's a hard thing to wrap the head around.
I sit here, just smelling rain, which is one of my favorite smells. I guess that's what happens when you grow up in a rain forest. I'm looking around at my house, which desperately needs cleaned. My being gone certainly wasn't kind to my house, the boys started school this week, and Brian is in Vegas right now. And, let me tell you, the house shows it. It's funny...this sort of thing makes me certifiable, but not today. Today, it can wait. I needed to let these things out today, for nobody else but myself. It's helping me heal. Cleaning can wait.
I'll close with what Linda (Dracy's mom) has mentioned a few times since losing her daughter, don't wait...tell people you love them, visit them, don't miss these opportunities. Hold the ones you love tight. You never know what's around the corner.
In your prayers tongiht, please include the Church family and Devin. I appreciate it.
Enjoy your weekend. Enjoy every last minute of it. The house cleaning can wait.