O.K. I had a long post but the fucking website posted blank. So fucking frustrating. Oh well. Go Hawks!
O.K. I had a long post but the fucking website posted blank. So fucking frustrating. Oh well. Go Hawks!
Misty passed away yesterday. The whole thing is just still so surreal. I completely fucking lost it at work when I got the news. I knew the news was coming as was told the night before she wasn't expected to make it though the night. Still, I could not deal with it. I work in a cubicle, so I know everyone around me could hear, before I finally pulled myself together enough to leave. I decided to take today off, and I'm so glad I did.... I feel much better today, although my heart is still heavy. Now, I know she's no longer in pain.
I guess I really don't know what else to say. Earlier I had things in mind, but it's all so much to wrap my head around.
Here's hoping that we all seize the day-carpe diem! Is it obvious that I just watched Dead Poet's Society a few days ago?
We have just this one life on earth. Here's hoping that we're all able to make the most of it.
I think I'm in the midst of a bunch of baby step before the first big step...yeah, just a bunch of cop out bullshit toward weight loss....but I have been taking steps in my life toward good health. First, I can't tell you how good it feels to be done with the book. Laura is also reading it now, and she has the best reactions, which have gone a long way in making me feel better about it. She's just about done, and has text and called me w/ different emotions, which makes my day every single time. I'm looking for an editor now, which has me on edge....It's one thing to have your friends like it, it's another to have someone who knows what good writing is come back and possibly tell you it's crap that they don't want to take on...but I digress. Back to feeling good about the book. I feel fucking great.
You know I've been thinking a lot about the Other Misty lately. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I can't go back to sleep, etc. It's fucking heart breaking. It's made me think a lot about life and the petty things that get in the way of happiness. That being said, I have this friend I haven't seen in nearly two years. It's not that we haven't been friends, but we used to make it a point to see one another. With everything going on, I thought, just make it fucking happen. And guess what...we are. I was afraid of hearing, I'm too busy, or it's just not practical. Okay, I can go on and on about myself and my insecurities as we all know I will, but just got a text on Misty. Not good....please continue to pray for her. Let the doctors be wrong....Let God heal her....Let them her surprise them.
What can I say...it's been a really long and painful week. At the beginning of the week, I found out an old friend was in the hospital with a 5% chance at survival. Apparently those chances were better than first expected as they didn't think she'd make it past the first hour. I was at work when I heard the news. It was all so sudden. Whenever something tragic happens, it's always so weird how the world keeps turning, and everyone around you keeps working. They don't know about this beautiful mother of a three year old laying there in a hospital bed. In fact, if they did know about the stranger, it wouldn't alter the course of their day. We've all been there.... You just put your head down and weep to yoursself while trying to concentrate on the simplest of tasks, while praying to God and hoping nobody notices what you're going through. Yeah, that pretty much sucks.....that was my week.
I met the "Other Misty" through work many years ago. She didn't love that I referred to her as such, but when we became close, I always had to explain which Misty I was talking about. One of my closest friends is also a Misty, and I've known her since before either of us can remember. So, it made sense that this Misty became "the Other." Misty is one of those people that you immediately like upon meeting. She seriously has this larger than life personality. People are instantly smitten with her. Misty has this gift of making you feel like you are someone, like you are important. Of course, I ate that stuff up :) We quickly became friends, and she and our friend Mark, nicknamed me "JenRob." (A play on my maiden name) Oh, the three of us used to have so much fun at work. Dear God, if anyone was ever monitoring our emails....If there was something inappropriate to talk about, we talked about it until there was nothing left to defile about the subject. Man, oh man, it cracks me up just thinking about those conversations. They were too funny....
I remember a friend and I emailing and playing some "what if" game or whatever it was as we often did. Let me tell you, I love that stuff. I think we were doing something along the lines of it, "If you had to marry a friend who would it be?" I remember choosing Misty and telling my friend about her and saying that I loved that she was a vegetarian. This was probably a year or so, before I quit eating meat, but I had never known one, and I loved the discipline and heart on someone who could do that. I'll never forget my friend saying something along the lines of, "Oh my God. A vegetarian? I could never!" It's especially funny since that friend quit eating meat with me and has now eaten a mostly vegan diet the past five years. Misty had left the company by the time I decided to quit eating meat. I'd eaten meat every single day of my life, and I was at a real loss on how to eat that way. It was Misty who provided me with recipes, checked up on me and took me shopping to give me tips on what to buy, etc. I honestly had never looked at a bulk foods section before that day. I learned a ton from her. She not only ate mostly vegan, but she was big in coconut oil and other things that at the time, it seemed nobody knew about. Truly, as far as eating, she has been the healthiest eater I've ever known, by a mile.
For me, Misty has been the most charismatic person I've ever known. I really did adore her. Our friendship continued and sometimes we were closer than others. She was one who could retreat into her own little world, and I always thought I could bring her out of it. I was so naïve. I truly was.... But on the whole, I always had her back. I must mention, too, how much she loved my kids. She loved Ryne, but her and Caleb really had a special connections. Misty was in my life heavily as Caleb was getting diagnosed and we started down those years of therapies and the naturopath. Misty's nephew was diagnosed not too long after Cal, and her family lived in TX, so in a way, I think it made her feel closer to family by being close to Cal. Oh man, did Caleb adore her, too. When we moved out here, he used to ask about her all the time. She would send texts, telling me to say certain things to him, and he thought that was so bad ass.
Shortly after our first move to IL something happened, and I found that I couldn't continue having Misty in my life. There was no drama...just a decision that broke my heart. I truly wish things hadn't happened the way they did. At the time, and even looking back, it really was my only option, though. So, when I got the news earlier this week, the guilt of it all nearly choked me. I was so sad for my friend, her beautiful daughter, and he great husband. I wanted to reach out to her, but it's too late. As the next day came, the guilt had mostly left me, and it's been all consuming thoughts about my friend. I can't get the picture of her being in the hospital out of my heard. It's a graphic picture that rips me apart. Thursday night, a mutual friend let me know that she isn't going to make it. The odds are gone. I sobbed and sobbed....before drinking wine and talking to H.P. for a couple or three hours. H.P. had been there through everything that had happened. One of the things I love most about H.P. is that she understands where I'm coming from, and she's not going to blow smoke up my ass. She keeps it real. It was good to talk about Misty. It was good to talk about the good and the bad, and it was great to get things off my chest to someone who is always 100% supportive.
Misty is now in hospice, and she is never out of my thoughts. As of yesterday, it appears that I'm all cried out. My prayers that God touches and her and give her a miracle remain, but I'm actually able to move around without feeling like someone that has just come out of a coma.
I know I've gone on and on, and I'm sure it's all sounded narcissistic, but it's what's going on right now. I chose to write about it, because we all have those relationships in our lives that aren't easy or where we've separated from those who were once so important to us. Life is short. There's no room for any of the bullshit. We love the ones we love for a reason. Here's hoping we can be forgiving in everything, including ourselves.
I ask that you pray for the "Other Misty." Please.....include her in your prayers. She's a rare soul, and it's too soon for her to leave this earth.
All my love,
Okay, it's 20 minutes to the Packers v. Seahawks kickoff. I've got my wine in hand, and getting pumped up for the game. Actually, I've been pumped up for the game since Fri. I am really on edge! Man, I love my Seahawks. Watching them play is most definitely my favorite indulgence!
My last post, which included the C word, hit home with a good friend of mine. It was funny....she'd mentioned it after reading my book, since it's used to drive home a point in the book. This friend is not one that uses foul language much. There must be something fucking wrong with her. Haha. Obviously joking. I'll tell you this, all of my childhood friends speak at least equally as bad as me. It's how we've talked since way before we should've known about any such words. As far as we know, it's a huge part of the English language, at least when growing up on our little Alaskan island. You should hear us when we all get together. It's a regular 'ol fuck fest. Not that kind. Get your mind out of the gutter. Those girls are my sisters. Anyway, I work up to a really great Email from this friend earlier this week, and she once again used the "C" word and spoke about the how she's always hated that word. I love that she's now liberated from everything that word brings to mind. Almost all of my life, that word was forbidden from my vocabulary. I only remember ever using it once, and I was sixteen years old. Anyway, my friend Amy would always laugh about how uncomfortable I was with that word, and as a result she used it more around me than I'm sure she normally would. Yes, those are the greatest kinds of friends: the ones who thrive on busting your balls.
Hey there! Well, I decided to go back to school for Creative Writing. One would think it would be an easy ball to start rolling...but not so much. I've got to find a good, economical school. I was hoping NIU would have a program, but they just have an English/teaching program. I've sent off for info. on a few online schools. The first one is fairly pricey.... Anyway, I've been knee deep in research. Hopefully I'll figure something out soon. I'll still work, but it will be easier to get through my days of hating what I do, by striving for a dream ;)
I've been thinking a lot about the fat that's all over my body...and I really need to start treating my obesity as a disease.... I'm a food addict. It's my crutch for fucking everything. I've been better the past two days than I've been in quite some time, but nowhere close to what "good" is. One step at a time? Ah, that's bullshit at this point. I'm at an embarrassing weight. Last night watching the NCAA football championship game, the announcers kept talking about how huge the Ohio State quarterback is (250 lbs). They'd go on and on about it. This morning. Howard Stern (old interview) was ripping Benjy for being 235 lbs, referring to him as a pig. Yeah....well, this gal weighs more than those guys. Fattity, fat, fat, fat... But my eyes are opening. They are....opening.... I've been talking to some people lately about what weight gain means to them and how it happens....It's really touched some nerves. For the first time in my life, I could truly relate to some of the things they said. They have the same "illness." Time to tackle this cunt..
I hope this day finds you well and reaching for your dreams.
This cracked me up....
The book has been on my mind pretty much non-stop. I'm just finishing my third edit, and I'm hoping to send it off to a content editor soon. It's crazy...this book has been such a big part of my life this past year. I can't even explain how protective I've been over it and the story. Only recently did I tell someone, in a nutshell, what it was about. I was physically shaking. I felt like I wasn't ready to let go of it. Recently my dear friend Lynn was asking me about it, as she has been so kindly doing for quite a while. We were having dinner, and I was finishing my second "big beer," when I asked if she wanted to read it.... She seemed very excited, and after I got home I quickly sent it off to her before I could change my mind. I knew there was still lots of editing to do, but I really did want feedback of the story. After all, I had never told anyone in any detail what it was about. Even when I was shaking, I only loosely gave plot details. Sending that thing off to Lynn felt like I was giving birth, and letting someone else hold my baby, when I wasn't ready to give it up...It really was truly hard.
Lynn sent me a very sweet text about the book when she finished the other night. We then followed up with an hour + phone conversation which only ended when her phone died. I tell you what. I could not have possibly picked a better person for the first read. Lynn made me feel so good about the book. I honestly believe she loved it. There were direct questions about certain things. She told me how angry she was when a certain thing happened and how it made her cry (which was the only part that made me cry, too.) She really just made me feel wonderful about the whole thing. It really was the biggest relief of my life. I had this fear that I would hear, "Boy, you really wasted a year, didn't ya." Not that she would ever say that, but it was still (and I'm sure some will think it was) in the back of my mind. I really am proud of the book. I love the characters and the story, along with how it all unfolds. It just is all so weird...I wrote a book. I'll probably have to self publish, but mother fucker...I actually did something I set out to do. This alone, gives me a sense of satisfaction that I don't know that I've ever had. It feels totally fucking awesome to allow myself to dream....It took me 42 years...but it seems all I do now is dream....and reach for it, in my own small way. Trust me folks... You'd be hard pressed to find someone with lower self esteem or anxiety issues.... If I can pursue me dreams, anyone can.
I hope this entry gives you food for thought. Is there something you've always wanted to do? Do it....treat yourself well, and do it. I'm so very glad I did.
Happy Weekend! Thank God for it.... Me and my red wine say, "Cheers!"
Hello All! Well, I've well established that I haven't been able to show you a journey of weigh loss and keeping it off. One day...though...hopefully soon. Anyway, I wanted to introduce you to Heather. We grew up on the same island in Alaska. Heather's a couple of years younger than me, so I didn't really know her that well. If the truth be told, if you weren't partyi. ng every weekend or on a team I was on, I probably didn't know you real well. I do remember Heather as being quiet and a sweet girl, though. Anyhoo, I was friend's with her bff, Joy. Joy ended up going to college in the city I lived, and Heather ended up moving down (down south as us Alaskan's refer to it) to live with Joy. I think she went to school, too. Anyway, it was at this time that I got to know to Heather. Let me tell you something, you couldn't have known two better friends. Joy and Heather were truly two peas in a pod. They both have gigantic hearts. Truly, you'd be hard pressed to meet better people. I could go on and on about how sweet she is, and giving, and how she's overcome unthinkable loss that nobody should ever, ever have to...but I still wouldn't be doing her justice. Quite simply, she's a very fine person. Okay, I digress. Heather recently posted on Facebook about her weight loss journey and added these pictures. I don't think the Seahawks picture was in it, but I lifted it anyway. Go Hawks! This is her seven year journey, although the weight has been off for quite a while now. She shows you that it's possible. In spite of all that life can throw at you, the reasons why you can't (as I know all too well), blah, blah, blah...YOU CAN DO IT. You can feel good about yourself. When I asked Heather if I could show her pictures, I didn't ask about how she did it. We all have our journey that we think works for us. We know we need to burn more calories than we take in. I believe in a vegan diet, but that's by no means the only way to do it. You've (we've) just got to keep at it. We need to believe that we are worth it. You are worth it. Heather is worth it. I hope she inspires you, as she has me.
Site is acting up...big shock. Different year, same issues on here. Top Row Left: Ryne's broken nose. You can see the stitching from the baseball on his nose. He needs plastic surgery, but we are waiting for a few years, as there are no guarantees he won't break it again playing sports. Next, axe throwin in Alaska on the 4th of July, with the girls. So fun. Next, 4th of July toast I sent to a couple of friends. It had been raining, so my hair was a mess, but I didn't care. Sitting on the dock with friends. 2nd Row, Left. Mama and her cub we saw while at bear observatory. Next, my sister Dawn and I at Caity's wedding. Next, Caity and I a couple of days before her wedding. 3rd row, Me and the boys in Lake Cour'de'Alene. We spent a couple days there with my sister Brooke on our way back out to IL. Nirvana guitar from the EMP museum. Awesome trip in Sept to Seattle for Erica's wedding. Next, first 5k. Last, Cal at his last swim meet. He had his best times. I tried to add more...but it wasn't working right. Anyway, key picks from 2014!
Happy New Years everyone! It's crazy to think we are in a new year already. 2014 was a crazy year, made even crazier by the move back to IL. It wasn't my favorite year, but still it was a great year, anyway. I read all of my 2014 posts today. 2014 might be the longest year ever. It feels like so many things happened. But I am thankful to have ended 2014 on a really good note and started 2015 off right, hanging with the family.
The holidays really were a whirlwind. Starting a new job in the middle of it all, certainly made things crazier. I don't really care for my job, but I am so thankful to have a paycheck....Not only for the holidays but for everything life throws your way. It's funny...I started my job, and then my tire blew out driving home from work (going 60mph...), after less than a week on the job. At the end of that same week, Brian went to the store, and then his car wouldn't start again. We got it to the shop only to find they were closed until the 30th. We just got it back, $450 later. Our vacuum cleaner just broke, and so on. So much for getting ahead. haha. More falling behind, but the sun is on the horizon! Thank God I have a job to help with those things!
Everything about Christmas was really wonderful. Christmas Eve Caleb and I went to Christmas Eve service and it was truly wonderful. Singing Silent Night while holding a lit candle gets me every time, right to my core. Christmas was just fantastic. The boys had a blast, so of course that made Brian and I happy. We scaled things way back, but of course they were way spoiled by our families. They were really appreciative of everything, and that was nice to see. They are so spoiled that it worries me sometimes/often. Our friends ended up coming over, last minute for Christmas dinner. It was a nice addition to our day!
Caleb turned 11 on the 28th. He wanted to go bowling and eat at Buffalo Wild Wings. He was so excited about it all! My Dad sent him an autographed Danica Patrick car, that Cal claimed was the "best present ever." Again, we had a wonderful family day.
Last night (New Years Eve), Brian and I went to dinner with friends. We went to kind of a fancy place, which we never, ever do. I even had lobster tail! It was just a really nice night. After we got home, Misty called and we had a great talk. Then, there was some really nice texts from friends. It was the perfect way to end the year.
In Jan 2014, I started the book. It's fitting that it's now Jan 2015, and I'm on my 3rd revision/edit. I guess in between everything else 2014 had to offer, it was the year of the book. I'm really proud of it...and hope it is well received. I finally gave it to a couple of friends to read, to help guide me in some parts I'm unsure about. Letting go of the book, was really hard. Total anxiety! I'm so protective of it. It's like it's my child :) I'm hoping that I have it to a professional editor this month. I'm not going to let this dream die. It feels so good to have one!
So, in 2015 I resolve to finish what I started, with the book. I'd like to write on this blog more. I really, really hope to lose weight.... I want to feel proud of myself, for many things. Here's to a year/lifetime of dreams. Once again, Happiest of New Years everyone. Cheers to 2015!