Last week we had a weigh-in at work for this weight loss program several of us are doing.  We did this not too long ago, as well, but it didn't have the outcome we were all hoping for.  So, here I go again...hoping this time will be different.  I think our first weigh-in was a few weeks or a month before.  I went in, expecting to have gained, as usual.  I've only seen the scale go one way for quite some time now.  Anyway, I was down a pound and a half.  Now, that could be the difference in clothing, blah, blah, blah...but it was a day and a half after I'd had my last regular soda.  I like to credit that.  Yes, I know that's crazy...but really there had been a shift in that week leading into the weigh-in.  It came from a couple of things, but mostly I think it came from a conversation with Amy when she was out here.  We were talking about my weight issues, and I couldn't explain it to her.  I have so much shame and embarrassment, and I just kind of broke down.  Let me tell you something...I hate breaking down in front of people.  Of course, there was no judgment from her, only support.  I don't know.  I guess I just needed to get it out.  I just needed to be around someone who gets me like that.  After that visit, there was a shift.  Actually, there's been a shift in a few ways for the better, and I think it shows in the way I'm starting to think about taking care of myself.  I haven't been able to actually follow through with this in so very long...a very disappointing amount of time.  It started with a promise of drinking one smoothie, which has now turned into drinking a smoothie 6/8 last days.  It started with cutting out Pepsi...which I miss every single day, but I do feel better without it.  I've been drinking a couple of diets every day, but I hope to throw that crutch away soon.  It started with ordering salads as my side item a couple of times....it started with me seeing my body for the disaster it is.  I weighed myself again on Monday (5 days after the one and a half pound weight loss-which I'm sure was more...as I'm sure I gained the first three weeks of that weight-loss competition and lost it plus that last week) and in those 5 days, I was down 5 pounds.  Yes, there was the difference between wearing clothes and not with that second weigh-in, but for my own brain, I'm not thinking about that.  I'm thinking about that 5 pounds.  I'm thinking about these tiny baby steps that actually mean the world to me.  I'm thinking about the short walk I took at lunch with coworkers today, instead of us going out to lunch.  Yes, a shift is happening.  It might not be huge for most, but for me...it's huge (that's what she said).

If it weren't for this tiny shift, I don't know that I would've bought my ticket to Maui yesterday.  I've been talking myself out of going to my cousin's wedding for a while now...which is why I ended up buying my ticket at a much higher price less than two weeks before the wedding.  The hotel everyone is staying out is also sold out, but my Aunt Fern and I got a room at another place not too far away.  Maui has been on my bucket list for a long time.  I always thought Brian and I would go together, so it's a bummer, I'll be going alone.  I also thought I'd be thinner and able to run on the beach...but that thinking is what got me here. I'm thinking about the shift..the shift that lets me envision spending time with some of the people I love most in this world, the shift that sees me getting in long walks on the beach.  The shift that allows me to feel the tranquility of the gentle roar of the waves.  Oh, how I miss the ocean.  I can't wait to watch my cousin get married.  I love that kid so much.  Anyway, I guess I just wanted to drive home the point that it all starts with baby steps...  I've only made minor changes so far, but they've gone so far in terms of my psyche.  It all comes down to our mental state, right?  The brain controls everything.  It's going to be a long journey, but I welcome it with open arms.  It's so nice to actually care about myself.  It's been such a long time.

I've been on a major Fleetwood Mac kick lately.  There are so many songs I could add here, but I'll go with Big Love.  It's what made me fall head over heels for Lindsey Buckingham so many years ago.  Watch those fingers...you can also feel his passion for the guitar, for the lyrics.  I love it.

Enjoy your night,

Jen

Congratulations! You made it through another Monday.  You'd think they'd get easier the more of them we encounter, but nooooo, every one seems harder than the last.  I came into this one wondering why I work full-time at a job that's 45 minutes from my house...pondering all day whether I should work or not.  But the reality is, life costs money...so Jim and I talked lotto again today.  Also, I have to say, I really like most of the people I work with.  It will be hard to leave them, once that time comes.

I spent Thursday-Saturday in Chicago with Amy.  We did our dual birthday celebration/March Madness trip, that is now two years into being an annual event.  As always, it was a total blast.  I don't know that you could pick two people who are more alike but at the same time, more different than one another than the two of us.  It just works.

I came home Saturday night pretty damn pooped.  Brian has been working, so the house we kind of a disaster.  I got up bright and early yesterday to tackle housework and laundry.  It was a clean the appliances kind of day.  It felt so good to see such a difference.  I did some grocery shopping, and then my friend Jackie came over to watch the season finale of How to Get Away with Murder.  Holy shit...that show is so damn good.  After she left, I made two meatloaves, mashed potatoes, and a bunch of sides.  By the time the night wound down, I was worn out.  I came into today feeling the effects of the past several days.  But you know what, I've felt alive.  I'll take that over simply existing any day of the week.  After work I ran by Wal-Mart.  We always joke about that store after work hours, because once you leave work, you just run into everyone at the store all over again.  Today was different, though. I ran into Jackie's husband.  It was nice to catch up with him.  I really do like him.  We chatted and got in line together.  I pulled out the flowers, and he made a comment about me buying my own flowers.  "Hell yeah, I'm buying these for myself.  I don't get them as often as I once did."  He joked that Jackie has to buy her own, too.  What he didn't know was the internal dialogue that went along with deciding to buy myself flowers.  I love flowers.  I can't keep them alive for shit (but somehow both of my poinsettias are still alive), but I love taking the time to appreciate everything about the flowers.  I'll just smell them several times a day.  So, as I sat there wondering if I wanted to spend the $10 on myself for the flowers, I thought, fuck yeah I do.  I'll appreciate the fuck out of these things.  I'll be the first to admit, I don't do enough of these types of things for myself.  I'm sure you don't either.  But I will tell you, I'm so happy I bought these mother fucking flowers.  As cheesy as it sounds, it was telling myself I'm worth it.  You are, too, so whatever brings you those simple pleasures, please do them for yourself.  Maybe it's taking a walk, getting a workout in, meditating, or disappearing for a few minutes away from the kids, while you enjoy eating the shit out of a cookie....do something that you enjoy, simply for the shear joy of how it makes you feel in that moment.  As adults we don't do that near enough.  (But a word to the wise, sometimes there is such thing as too much self indulgence, as praying to the porcelain Gods taught me on Friday night ;) 

So, the flowers are right up there with my favorite thing of the day.  And I must admit, cleaning my bathroom tonight was also right up there.  (I know...I'm pathetic)  It's been bugging me since I got back Saturday night, and I ran out of town yesterday.  But I have a sense of peace that goes along with writing this in my bedroom, with the door to the spotless bathroom wide open and staring right at me. 

I write often about life being about choices from moment to moment.  Tonight I was thankful for Amy being the inspiration for me having a smoothie for dinner (it was my end of the bargain as she did something that she'd been avoiding, too)  I'll say that I shit the bed earlier today with my diet, but I ended the day doing something for me....even if I didn't realize it until I got that great feeling that comes along with doing something healthy for yourself, in drinking that thing.  I was left full and satisfied.  As someone with an extraordinary amount of weight to lose, that aren't many meals that leave you feeling satisfied-when you're eating like shit all the time.

I can't believe I'm adding yet another Kenny Rogers song (okay that's a lie-I do love me some Kenny), but this song has been going though my head, since the thought process began about buying my own flowers.  Hope you like it.

~Jen

Monday.  It's hard to believe it's not a four letter word.  Maybe it should be referred to as, MOFM, especially when coming off of Springing ahead.  Most people look forward to this day as it's a signal of the days getting longer, summer's getting closer, blah, blah, blah.  To me, it means I lost a valuable hour of sleep.  So, for someone who doesn't care for Mondays or losing sleep (which is really probably most of us), I was not a giant fan of today.  Now, it wasn't the worst day ever.  No, not even close, but I'm going to bitch anyway.  A lot of the suffering of the day was self induced.  I guess I'd have to say it all started Saturday night.  I went to a coworker's bachelorette party, and I drank too much and stayed up too late.  As a result, I had terrible sleep, the kind of half sleep, when you're having the same stupid conversation in your head over and over again, but it's as if you're awake.  Then you really do wake up, and you're pissed your sleep wasn't really sleep, but stress.  So, yesterday was a pretty lazy day.  I did a little grocery shopping, picked up the oldest from a sleepover, and my friend Jackie came over so we could catch up How To Get Away With Murder.  I didn't have an appetite yesterday (alert the presses!)  I only took a couple of bites of my sandwich earlier in the day, but Jackie showed up with hot dip in a crock pot and soda.  Somehow, I managed to finally eat something.  Thank God or I surely would've widdled away to nothing.  Even though I moved slow all day, it wasn't a bad day.  I was also able to talk to my Mom (it was her birthday,) and it's always great talking to her.  But I don't know that I ever recovered during the day from my lack of sleep, which brought me to this morning....Monday!  But before I yammer on about that I must talk about the bachelorette party.

As a 44 year old, it's been a while since I've attended an actual real bachelorette party.  My coworker is in her late twenties, though, so it was on.  It brought back so many memories of my own.  Everyone had a great time.  Three of my coworkers sang "Girl Crush" and nailed it.  My friend Laura sang into her plastic penis straw from dinner all the while (we got those at dinner, and I don't think that thing left her hand or lips the entire night).  I miss the karaoke so very much...I think I've only seen it once in all the time we've lived out here.  There were tons of laughs and an awkward fucking moment that had the potential to ruin my night.  There was this gal from the party, that I had briefly talked to early in the night.  I'm sure I was being loud, as I'm always uncomfortable around people I know.  I was probably rocking a buzz.  I was probably, well being me.  Anyway, it was super crowded in the bar, and a couple of my friends were standing there singing along, and this girl, stops as she's walking by to say, "you scare me."  I said, "excuse me?"  I simply couldn't believe what I was hearing from this lady that I don't know.  She repeated herself, and I said, "that's kind of a crappy thing to say."  She then said, "I'm just joking."  But of course she wasn't and she walked off.  I didn't realize my two friends had heard as I was just stunned for a minute.  It all ran through my head..what scares her?  I'm so loud? I'm tall? I'm a giant fucking monster?....and so on, but before those things could invade my head for even a couple of seconds, my friends were shouting to me, "that girl's a fucking cunt....what a fucking bitch" etc.  The moment has passed through my head many times since it happened now, and at one time something like that would have the potential to really bum me out...but what I take from that unpleasant experience, is that my friends were there for me, without hesitation, without me asking.  I love that.  So, what could've been the worst part of the night, I'll take as my favorite part of the night.

Back to Monday....so I guess it goes in line with what I just wrote.  It hasn't been my most favorite day ever, but what Monday really is?  But for as out of it as I've felt all day, there were way more positives.  I was looking forward to spending my lunch time by myself-wallowing in my own stuff, when a coworker asked me to go with her.  Another coworker ended up coming along, and I'm so very glad.  The other coworker and I were having the same type of day, but we all forgot about it all and made fun of it.  We laughed so hard at our own expenses (as continued tonight with weight loss memes), and we told the kind of stories one would expect to hear at the bachelorette party we'd been to.  The first coworker had explained her really bad day, which had been yesterday, and said, she was just so happy to wake up have it be gone today.  Today was a new day, and she woke up not feeling the effects of the day before.  And you know what? She's spot on.  When you have a crappy day, you just look at it as tomorrow is a different day, and you go to sleep hoping you'll wake up with the blanket of a crappy Monday all gone.  And as I glance at the clock, counting down to bedtime (it's now 8:43), I'm think Fuck.Me.  It's really 7:43.  This sum bullshit up in here.  Okay, I'll try to let it.  Well, not really I'll be reflecting on that lost hour all week. It will be my built in excuse for everything.

From not my favorite day to it could be my favorite week.  I won't have time to write before Thursday I'm guessing, but the countdown is on to Amy coming on Thursday.  We'll be doing a dual birthday celebration, St. Patty's Day, March Madness trip, and every excuse in the book to get together for a few days.  It's so awesome to have her coming to visit, especially on the heels of Caity's visit, which was so sorely needed, and so very freaking awesome. As my last blog said, "You Can't Make Old Friends."  Amy's trip really snuck up on me.  I was thinking about how that happened...and the reason is-because Amy takes care of everything.  She got our hotel room, she found five bars that open at ten and will be open to the general public (last year we researched the best places to watch March Madness in Chicago, only to find them all closed to the public), and I don't have to worry or think about a freaking thing.  Amy knows that I'm always the one planning everything, etc., and her doing this stuff, is always so appreciated.  The only thing we have planned is watching basketball on Friday, and I have no doubt (Gwen Stefani is the best), whatever stuff we decide to do on a whim, will be absolutely fantastic.  We never know what we'll find-whether it's finding our "Black Me's" or walking three miles to a bar that's only three blocks away, it's so easy.  I love that.  I can't wait. 

I'll leave you with a song that I hadn't heard forever but was someone sang on Saturday night.  None of the younger girls knew it, which was hysterical, but they all loved it.  As the should.  Who isn't pleased by Big Balls?

Jen

I've been missing my friends something fierce lately.  I didn't realize entirely just how much until I was able to see Amy for a few hours a few weeks ago.  It wasn't much time, but I so appreciated that feeling of familiarity.  That feeling of knowing someone that long, and the trust and ease that comes with it.  It was great to get to feel that for even just a few hours, but it also made me realize just how much I miss that.  So, I was especially grateful that my lifelong friend Caity came out to spend Thurs-Sun with me.  Caity and I have been friends longer than either of us can remember.  We haven't lived in the same town since we were eighteen, but the closeness has always remained.  We've been able to go home at the same time sometimes, but mostly we see each other through vacations or visiting one another in our respective cities.  I hadn't seen her in a year and a half, though, so it was so fantastic to get to catch up with her.

We packed a lot of really great things into just a few days.  We spent a lot of time in the car, you know, because I live in bum fuck Egypt.  Really, that was just more opportunity for us to visit.  There's nothing better than talking to someone, when nothing is off limits.  They know the boy that broke your heart in junior high, they know the dynamics of your family, your fears, your dreams, and the regrets.  And hey, growing up on a small island, they might know some of that, even if you never told them.  haha.  We did touristy stuff, which a lot of that stuff is still new to me out here, too.  We even went to a museum and saw that Rockford Peaches exhibit (A League of Their Own), which was hella cool.  It was also "Sock Monkey Madness."  OMG...I'm not a big people watcher, but holy cow...it doesn't get any better than that.  We were immediately in stitches, when we arrived in the parking lot, and saw people taking their sock monkeys out of their car to take into the museum.  The po-po was kind enough to offer Caity and I, along with some other lady, a ride over to the museum.  The lady was going on and on about it, and couldn't contain her enthusiasm when telling us about the limited edition sock monkey bobble heads that were available.  The whole thing was solid gold!  That same night I made dinner for Caity, the boys (Brian had to work), and a friend from out here.  That night, was my favorite part of it all.  I loved how Caity got to know my new good friend, and how well they got along.  We played music from back in the day, and told stories for hours.  I even made it past 2 a.m.  How about them apples?  Really, I couldn't have asked for a better visit. I'm so glad she chose to spend her time to come out here, when she could've done anything she wanted to with her weekend.  I'll always be grateful for the way I grew up.  I know I sound like some drunk girl at a bar, when I say, I really do have the best friends. 

I was going to do some writing about weight....and other such topics that are tough, but I'm not going to take away from what I just wrote about.  It was just what I needed.

I've made a couple of friendships out here, that I feel will be lifelong.  I truly feel that way.  So, even though, You Can't Make Old Friends, you can make great friends, that will one day be old friends.

Hope this night finds you all well.  If you don't know this song, I hope you'll love it.

~Jen