Well, shit and caboodle....  I just read that last post.  I said things that I'm not comfortable saying out in cyber space, but such is life.  I'm going to make sure this post is much more, uh, light.
When we announced that we were moving back out West, my friend (whom I lovingly refer to as L.P.) got a hold of me and asked if she could take me to Lake Chelan.  I was so excited to know that someone was excited to see me!  And I really missed her along with our great friend Le Ann, who took the trip with us.  We started our vacation on a Saturday.  I'll tell you what.  We couldn't have asked for better weather to start our vacation with and all the way through.  Le Ann and I hadn't been to Lake Chelan before, and we were truly captivated by how pretty it is.  We got into town, late afternoon and decided to start off by having dinner at a local winery.  It was the end of season, so we got lucky at this place as it was its last night for serving dinner.  We had a wonderful dinner and amazing bottle (? I think it was just one) of wine.  We were all on board with spending our first night in.  We turned up the music and conversation and enjoyed ourselves some more wine.  It took me back to partying, in the style my friends and I did when we were in our early teens.  We were dancing machines.  I have to laugh, as I'm not much of a dancer, but I really do enjoy it.  I can't remember the last time I danced, but I certainly enjoyed our silly little dance party. 
We had a late breakfast the next day at this positively fantastic place overlooking a vineyard.  It was so wonderful we tried to eat there the next day, but they were closed.  We had another great day, which included walking around the point we were staying on.  I was pretty set on how I wanted to spend that evening as the Broncos vs. Colts game was on.  The girls aren't big football fans, but thankfully they humored me and went along to this hole in the wall bar to watch the game.  The girls got to see me in full football mode.  I had such strong emotions tied to that game.  I really wanted Peyton to show the Colts what a mistake they'd made by letting him go.  I got pretty fired and embarrassed the girls, but you'd never know.  They are so cool like that.
We made the best of our last full day in Chelan.  We again got a wonderful walk in and then headed to a late breakfast at the Casino.  We had a good breakfast and then I gave $20 of my money to one of the slots.  We then relaxed in the hot tub back at our place.  Outside it was so nice, 70 degrees in late Oct.  The girls decided to sun bathe while I needed to get a shower in.  They were still gone when I got done, so I sat out on the patio, enjoyed an Alaskan beer and got some reading done.  Oh, so very, very peaceful.  I can't even convey how relaxing that short bit of time was.  We were all refreshed, so we went into town and did some shopping.  Afterward, we found a spectacular winery for wine tasting.  The experience was so wonderful that we decided to stay for dinner.  The only real bummer was, while shopping and then while walking up the stairs to the winery, the Nurse from Children's Hospital called.  I really wish they would've called the next day, as it was hard to put it all out of my mind that night.  But still, a really nice night.
The whole trip was a wonderful experience all the way around.  The girls really are so easy to be around.  We are all pretty laid back, and we've always really travelled well together.  We are already planning the next one.  Oh, and it's probably a good thing that Air Supply just ended their American tour.  At one point we decided we were going to plan a trip around wherever they were playing.  At another point we almost decided last second to leave Chelan and go to Seattle to see Pink in concert.  And we nearly spent our last day in a limo, but in the end, used our better judgment on how we should spend our day.  See?  Super cool!
Oh, the weigh-in...I better get to that.  Ryne has just gotten into bed with me.  He's thrown up twice since going to bed.  He hasn't been throwing up too much lately, so I don't know if it's related to his tummy pain or if he's catching something.  Lord knows him immune system is in the dumps.  He's had 2 different colds over the past 2 weeks.  Poor kiddo.  Praying for an end to this soon for him...really am.
Since I last weighed in, I went on the trip with the girls.  I got my steps in every day, but that was about it.  We ate very differently than I normally do.  We had big late breakfasts and then ate dinner.  We didn't snack much, but our meals were pretty large.  But really, my calories mostly came from wine and beer.  Once I got home, I put my nose to the grindstone and did well until Sat....Brian and I went out before going to a college football game.  I ate smart, but I had 3 beers...then one at halftime...then we went out, where I decided I wanted chocolate cake...  I consumed a shit load of calories.  Stress and my period got to me.  I knew getting on the scale this morning, that it wasn't going to be great.  I gained 2 pounds.  It's not the end of the world.  I've beaten myself up about it a fair amount today, but it's behind me.

Gotta go.  Wishing you all a wonderful day.

Jen

I saw this today, and  it made me smile.  Hope it means something to you.

There's been a lot that's gone on this past week.  A lot of great things, including 4 days in Lake Chelan with close friends.  I'm sure I'll write about it soon, but I need to get  through today.  I'm exhausted...
I just (well, hopefully I did it right-should be blocked and then permanently deleted in 14 days) got rid of my diariesofafatass page on Facebook.  I was hesitant to have one to begin with, and I was really hoping it would be a nice tool for people to come together and share their success stories of weight loss, etc.  But it really didn't turn out that way.  And ultimately, I really don't want most people I know to know about this site.  So, I think it was stupid to have it to begin with.  Hopefully, in 6 months or so, I can look back and read about how I got to a weight I was comfortable with.  And even more so, hopefully it will give some of you some of that, "if that Gal can do it, anyone can...."  I know I haven't exactly been inspiring.  This website has really become more of a diary than anything.  Having it out in the open is something I grapple with all the time.  But whenever I think about ending it, I think about all of these nice notes I've received over this past few years from people who can relate to my struggles: diet related or other.
Okay, that rant is over, but a new one is about to start.  I've been sharing what's been going on with my son and his stomach pain.  Earlier in the week (the last night of vacation), the Dr, called to let me know that one of Ryne's labs came back showing inflammation in the body.  This wasn't a huge surprise as one of the scans they did on Ryne showed it, too.  But the Dr. (specialist at Children's Hospital)  had discounted it as not the appropriate test the first time around.  When I got back, they had Ryne retake the blood test.  I finally got the results back this morning, but this time they were normal.  Normal is good, but we are no closer to knowing what is causing his pain.  The pain in the morning can be so intense that it wakes him up really early and makes him cry.  It's so hard to see....  He doesn't eat before noon...and the only thing that's kept him in school (he only missed 1/2 day this week) is his pain pill.  Ryne missed basketball tryouts this week.  He's out another sport that he loves, and another way to make good friends in this new school.  When the Nurse and I spoke this morning, she talked about it being a "functional issue," meaning his body is holding on to whatever this is (and that the GI Tract is such a complicated system), and he's unable to get it to pass through.  The nurse says it's a phenomena that they see among kids in their department, often.  It can be many things that finally get the system back on track, but most of those things are usually done in Seattle.  It's also finding that "thing" that's going to work...  The Nurse wanted to consult with the Dr. again and promised to call again later in the day.  If I'm not in a depression (which thankfully it's been a while), I rarely cry over things in my life.  I will cry over commercials, movies, etc., but not anything "real."  I hung up that phone this morning...and cried and cried and cried...and then I cried some more.  I'm so frustrated.  I let myself wallow in self pity for a couple of hours and then tried to pull myself out of it by going on my walk with Jesse.  I needed to clear my head.  But really, it didn't work.  I just dwelled on the fact that this stomach issue has been dividing my husband and I.  It's really taken a toll on me...
The Nurse called back after consulting with the Dr., and offered us a choice on how to move forward.  We can meet and put together a plan to fight a probable "functional issue," and if nothing works we would then do a colonoscopy and endoscopy.  Or, we can still move forward with a plan, but do the procedures sooner than later.  The Dr. isn't sure that he's going to find anything on there, but it's still a possibility that it could be useful...  I hate the idea of him going under...and having such invasive tests, but the thought of him possibly being in this much pain for a couple months or so before doing the tests, frightens me more.  The pain has taken the joy out of Ryne's life.  It's hard to watch.  So, creating a plan and doing the tests ASAP is what's on the agenda.
I was at the Eye Dr with Cal, when the Nurse called this afternoon, so I wasn't able to consult with Brian before getting the ball rolling, but I knew I could always change if he didn't agree with me.  I was nervous to even talk to Brian about all of this again, as earlier today, I really let him know how much he's hurting me with his reactions and frustrations to the situation.  So, I was pleasantly surprised when we were able to have a good talk and be on the same page as far as the treatment plan.  We've had a good night.  There have been times during this, where we have been on the same page and others where we haven't...  I hate to feel like I'm walking on eggshells when we talk about it, or the way he and Ryne communicate.  Of course, I'm not saying anything against Brian.  This situation just hasn't been our finest moment...  I hope the talk earlier today keeps us on the same page for a while...again.
I know I've rambled on and on, and it's on a subject that nobody would really have an interest in...but I needed to get this out.  I know I have people that love me, but I must confess, I feel completely alone in this.  It's not that people aren't trying...I just feel so overwhelmed by the fact that we have no answers.  It's hard to answer, "how's Ryne," or "how'd the appointment go," etc. when there's no easy or real answer, yet.  I don't know.  I just feel like I want to crawl inside myself.  I especially do, when Brian's family keeps getting a hold of me and not Brian to ask about Ryne.  I love them, but it just adds to it for me...  I dunno.  I'm just tired I guess.  Hopefully tomorrow I'll wake up feeling better and not like such a big pussy.  Or better yet, maybe tomorrow's the day that Ryne actually starts to feel better.  Here's praying.

Oh, yeah....this morning probably wasn't the best morning for fucking Aunt Flow to show up, either....  Miserable Cunt.

~Jen

I'm going away on a girls trip, so I won't be here for my Monday weigh-in.  Last week I had to weigh in on Sunday, so it's 6 days worth.  This has been a frustrating couple of days.  I'm upset with the way my body is reacting to some things.  I know I'm getting older...but really?  Come, fucking on.  That being said, I feel so much better physically after just 6 weeks of walking and watching my diet.  I certainly haven't been perfect, but I have had some, what I'd consider perfect days of eating this week.  I'm trying to put out of my head the California omelet, hash browns, big 'ol biscuit I shared w/ one of my boys while travelling.  Anyway...  I lost 2 lbs 2 oz. this week.  I feel really good about it, but of course always hope for more.  In 6 weeks, I'm down 15 lbs. 2 oz.  I need to step up my game, but I do feel good.  Well, I better get going.  I'm going to chow down a bowl of chili before the girls get here.  I'm not sure that's the right choice in food before a car trip...but hey, I'm hungry :)

I hope you all have a fantastic weekend.  Treat yourself to something that makes your body feel good.

~Jen

S0, 9 minutes ago the Biggest Loser started.  I'm recording it, so I can watch it with Brian in a bit.  It's the one show we watch together, but he makes me fucking nuts.  Ugh.  Now, I'm not looking forward to it...just thinking of the insulting things he'll say about the cast.  I know he doesn't mean it and is trying to be funny.  But it really fucking pisses me off.  I think he believes I'm joking when I get pissed, but really I want to scratch his eyeballs out.  That's all.

Yesterday was the big Dr.'s appointment for Ryne.  I knew better than to walk out of there knowing what's going on with him, but of course I hoped for an instant diagnosis.  No such luck, but it was great to be in front of a Dr., where this was his specialty.  They ran a bunch more tests, but it will take up to 2 weeks to get some of the results.  They also want to test his stool, but poor kid hasn't been able to go.  Well, poor me, too.  I really don't want to dig through his feces and bring it to the lab. Haha.  A lot of the time, this ends up being Mono (which I know they've already tested for, but he's testing again).  Other times, it's a stomach infection that gets out of control and can't seem to heal on it's own.  They gave Ryne some things to help flush out his system and in the process hopefully flush out whatever it is in the process.  They've also given him something for the pain.  It's only supposed to take 30 mins to start helping, but it's taking a couple of hours and it's minimal and doesn't last long.  Hopefully his body will start responding to it better soon.  Oh, and he's also off sugar (including sugar substitues and fruit) for 2 weeks.  Sugar is supposed to make stomach pain worse.  The goal of course is to keep him in school.  Ryne has a cold, too, and was in a lot of pain this morning.  I know he's worn out...  I let him stay home today, but he knows he has to go tomorrow.  No matter what...  It sucks because he actually likes school.  He loves P.E., but we've had to drop the class, since he can't participate, and will have missed the whole football season.  It just sucks.  Thankfully Ryno's a really smart kid (way smarter than I've ever been), and he's been able to stay afloat in school.  Anyway, we have a follow up appointment in a month, unless there's no improvement in 2 weeks.  So frustrating....so frustrating....

I didn't sleep the night before the appointment...  I slept well last night (Ryne slept with me...that's when you know a 12 y/o is sick, when they want to sleep with their Mom).  But after I got Cal off to school, made my smoothie, and cleaned up a bit, I sat down with a  book (The Vegucation of Robin, so far a great book), and quickly fell asleep.  It kicked my ass more than I thought it had I guess.  I was able to walk Jesse 4 miles both days, though.  I am proud of that!  But really, through all of this, there's one thing I've kept in mind: it could always be worse.  Ryne's blood cell counts have been good, which rules out the worst stuff.  So, I've always been thankful that we're dealing with something that should be manageable.  I've even been prefacing my prayers to God, with I know there are so many suffering, but I have to ask for relief for my child.  Anyway, it was all reinforced when we were at the Children's Hospital.  I saw a disfigured baby, babies wearing masks over their face, a boy about the same age with one of those contraptions on his head, kids in helmets, and a mother with her son in a wheelchair, but it was her other child that was getting the blood draw.  So, I hope you never think that I don't know how lucky we are.  I just want my boy to feel better.  My stress level varies, and I'm proud of myself for dealing with it in a positive master most of the time.  I've had my falling down moments, but I'm going to have those no matter what.  Shit...am I still typing?  Still feeling like I need to explain myself?  What the fuck is wrong with me...  Alright, I'm done!  I'm going to try and enjoy The Biggest Loser.  I hope you can, too.

Thanks for being there for me,

Jen

I wasn't sure what to expect out of today's weigh in.  I just kept saying over and over again, before I got on the scale: please don't have gained!  I'll admit the stress of Ryne's situation has gotten to me, at times, this week.  He tried to go to school on Friday, as it was just a 1/2 day, but 1/2 hour into the school day, the nurse calls me to pick him up.  His tummy has really been bugging him, he says even more than before.  Now, he has a nasty cold on top of it all.  Anyway,  after I picked him up, I went right through the McD's drive thru and ordered myself breakfast and Diet Coke...  Oh yeah, 2 breakfast sandwiches (sans meat of course), hash brown and the soda.  That was certainly the worst of my sins, but it wasn't the greatest eating week for me.  Having said that, I definitely did way more right, than I did wrong.  I got my walks in, except for Friday, when I virtually stayed the whole day in bed.  I just wasn't snapping out of it.  So, that brings me to today's weigh in, 2 lb loss.  I'll take it!  I'm proud of it!

I weighed in a day early, as Ryne's appointment was changed to tomorrow.  So, we'll be heading over to Seattle in a few hours.  The appointment is first thing tomorrow, and I pray we get some sort of answers.  Lord, do I pray, that we can get him to feeling better. 

Instead of staying with friends, I decided to get a hotel room.  I knew that was a  surefire way to get Cal to agree to come (although, of course he really has no choice).  Caleb LOVES hotels.  Now, this is Seattle, and I was lucky to find a room, since the Seahawks are playing today.  It was spendy, but it's a shithole Travelodge.  I showed the online pics to Cal, and he was so excited.  Ah, to be a kid again :)  We are taking Jesse to a boarding facility.  I've never left a dog at one of those things, but it's supposed to be nice....  I feel really bad, given her background.  I don't want her thinking we aren't coming back for her.  I've forgiven her for nearly getting lost the other day, after she went after those deer :)  She's my little stinker.

Anyway, it's 5 weeks in, and I feel great.  I have a long way to go, but I am not 13 pounds lighter.  Really, I promise you...if you are wanting to get started.  You can!  If I can do it,  ANYONE can do it.  I still have a brain that tries to talk me out of it, nearly every minute of every day.  But that voice is getting softer.  I'm not going to let that voice win.  Here's hoping you find your inspiration.  If you ever feel like you need to talk to someone, I'm here.

Take Care,

Jen

In the interest of full disclosure: I'm on my second glass of wine.

In the interest of full disclosure: I'm on my second glass of wine.  Today has just been one of those days.  I guess it all started when I woke up and looked in the mirror.  Look, I'm far from vain.  I've never been what you'd call a looker, and I've never done a lot to change that.  I rarely wear makeup.  I don't spend a lot of time on picking out my clothes.  For whatever reason, I just didn't get that "girl" gene.  It doesn't mean that 100% of the time, I don't give much thought to my appearance.  Sometimes I actually try.  That's the really disappointing part.  It doesn't get much better when I do put the effort in.  I remember Howard and Robin talking one day about this ex-coworker of theirs that had dropped a bunch of weight, and how there was really nothing that poor girl could do to be pretty.  I feel the same way about myself.  But a lot of the time, I don't give it much thought.  But, this morning, when I was throwing on my sweatshirt and brushing my hair to go and wait for the bus with Cal, I caught a glimpse of myself.  All those things, and there are many, that I don't like about myself just came flying off the mirror.  It was like I was someone else.  I know I have these horrible two bumps under my big, fat lower lip.  But this morning, it looked as if I'd been stung by bees under my lip.  And then came the realization.  Holy Fuck!  This must be what I look like every fucking day.  Oh mofo....  Oh, and there are many other things, but we really don't have time to get those, except the big zits on my face.  I don't break out in acne often.  That's a good thing.  The bad thing is I have rosacea, and I would gladly trade zits for the rosacea.  Oh, but no...I have both today.  One of those huge fuckers has been there since last week.  I chalked it up to my period.  The other,  I got the day after my period!  Well, maybe stress, maybe toxins leaving my body?  Who the fuck knows.  But anyway, I decided early this morning that mirror was not my friend.  Instead, I just let the Mirrors song by JT go through my head all day.  That's a much more pleasant thought.

The past two nights have been kind of anxiety ridden.  It's literally felt like someone is trying to smother me with a pillow when I've tried to go to bed.  So, sleep has been filled with terrible dreams (mostly to do with abandonment and rejection).  But I've been a trooper.  I mean it.  I've been a mother fucking trooper.  I'm not going to let anything get me down.  Things are good...  So, earlier than normal, this morning, I took Jesse out for a walk around the lake.  This usually is so head clearing for me, but today, my shitting dog decided to be, well a dog.  A bad dog.  Yesterday, I was describing something she did to Brian, and he's all, "well, she's all dog".  I wanted to scream, "I don't want a dog.  I want a best friend!"  Pathetic, I know....  But anyway, today she just wasn't listening.  There's about a 2 mile section that I let her go off leash, and she has a blast going in and out of the brush, etc.  She's always sure to stay within eyesight of me, though.  Not today.  She was all over the place.  I finally tracked her down, and I put the leash on her.  Well, once we got to the place I let her stop to drink and swim, I gave her a second chance.  It was good for about 5 minutes until we saw two, beautiful, huge deer on the other side of the river.  I've never seen deer here, and I was transfixed.  It's in an area where the side we were walking on is divided by a lazier part of the river that flows in from the side.  It's pretty muddy, but it's quite wide in size.  And what do you know....Jesse saw those deer and actually swam across the river to find those deer!  I was screaming for her all the while, but she didn't give a rats ass.  Now, normally Jesse's swimming consists of about 10 doggy paddles and she's done.  Well, today, she looked like Diana Torres out there.  It was quite some time, and just before I was about to try to leave the area and find a way to the other side, that she came racing back down swam back across.  Oh, was I pissed at her. 

After said incident, I decided to forego the quick stop at Fred Meyers I'd planned on.  I came home, so she and I could take a break from each other, while I took the time to watch Pink videos (haha) and shower while I had her outside in the backyard.  I knew I needed a pick me up, so I decided to go shopping for myself, while grocery shopping.  Fred Meyer: One Stop Shopping.  My good friend Lynn, had put a prepaid debit card in my going away card.  I still hadn't used it, and I had a Fred Meyer gift card, so I decided to treat myself to some workout gear.  I found a great runners jacket, but it all went South when I decided to try on the pants.  I somehow thought my 11 pound weight loss translated to 50 pounds in clothes sizing.  Ah shit.  I forgot.  I'm still fat ;)  While at the store, Ryne text me to say he was getting on the bus, and that he had thrown up at school.  Instantly my stomach was in knots once again.  That poor kid.  He has an appointment at the Children's Hospital in Seattle next Thursday, but I called when I got home to put him on a wait list in case of cancellation.  Man alive, I feel for this kid.  I hope to God we get some answers next week....

So, tonight I thought...damn, I could go for a drink.  I decided against beer, as I wanted less calories, although I'm sure if I googled red wine, I'd find I'm drinking more calories, but I love the buzz of wine.  I rarely drink it, but I do love it.  Even before I cracked the bottle, I did some heavy cleaning, trying to persuade myself away from alcohol, but the alcohol won tonight.  Anyhow, I called L.P. (you know, my friend aka Life Partner, Kim :)  It wasn't until today that I realized next weekend is our girls weekend w/ Le Ann.  We had a fun talk, and were laughing about how it is our "Wine Wednesday" after all.  What's funny, is it started as Pizza Wed. and a reason to get our boys together.  We still had the play dates for the kids, but we also had some good grownup time.  I miss those days.  Anyway, we had some good laughs and afterward had some funny texts.  It was just what the Dr. ordered.  Well, that along with the wine, and the Waylon Jennings I have playing in the background.  I must also confess, that I can't hold my wine.  I think you've figured that out by now.  Also, a "glass" to me, is probably like 3 glasses to a person who knows how much to put in a glass.  I just fill it 3/4 of the way up :)  Oh, this is a diet blog, so I guess I should mention my diet today.  I ate healthy, but honestly I didn't eat enough.  Which also is probably helping me ride the wine train. 

I guess I should go before I get myself in more trouble than I probably already put myself in.  I'll forget about this until the next time I got to update the blog, and then I'll be like...  Oh Jen, you di-dn't....  Thanks for letting me vent.  Actually, I really don't have much to complain about, even though I just did.  Life if is good.  Today just wasn't my favorite day.

Much Love,

Jen

I'll leave you with the song that's currently playing and ironic in a way.  "Bruises" gave me something to talk about tonight.

Lyrics to Bruises [Feat. Ashley Monroe] :

Haven't seen you since high school
Good to
see you're still beautiful
Gravity hasn't started to pull
Quite yet I
bet you're rich as hell

One that's five and one that's three
Been two
years since he left me
Good to know that you got free
That town I know
was keeping you down on your knees

These bruises make for better
conversation
Loses the vibe that separates
It's good to let you in
again
You're not alone in how you've been
Everybody loses, we all got
bruises
We all got bruises

Have you seen him? Not in years
How
about her? No but I hear
She's in Queens with the man of her dreams

Funny back then she said that about you

Que sera you'll never guess who I
saw
Remember Johnny B remember him we were best friends practically

Let's do this soon again, ten years is that what it's been?
Can't believe
how time flies by
Leaving you makes me wanna cry

These bruises make
for better conversation
Loses the vibe that separates
It's good to let
you in again
You're not alone in how you've been
Everybody loses, we all
got bruises
We all got bruises

I would love to fix it all for you

I would love to fix you too
Please don't fix a thing whatever you
do

These bruises make for better conversation
Loses the vibe that
separates
It's good to know you've got a friend
That you remember now
and then
Everybody loses

These bruises make for better
conversation
Loses the vibe that separates
It's good to let you in
again
You're not alone in how you've been
Everybody loses,everybody
loses, everybody loses
We all got bruises, We all got bruises, We all got
bruises
Haven't seen you since high school
Good to see you're
still beautiful
Gravity hasn't started to pull
Quite yet I bet you're
rich as hell

One that's five and one that's three
Been two years
since he left me
Good to know that you got free
That town I know was
keeping you down on your knees

These bruises make for better
conversation
Loses the vibe that separates
It's good to let you in
again
You're not alone in how you've been
Everybody loses, we all got
bruises
We all got bruises

Have you seen him? Not in years
How
about her? No but I hear
She's in Queens with the man of her dreams

Funny back then she said that about you

Que sera you'll never guess who
I saw
Remember Johnny B remember him we were best friends practically

Let's do this soon again, ten years is that what it's been?
Can't believe
how time flies by
Leaving you makes me wanna cry

These bruises make
for better conversation
Loses the vibe that separates
It's good to let
you in again
You're not alone in how you've been
Everybody loses, we all
got bruises
We all got bruises

I would love to fix it all for
you
I would love to fix you too
Please don't fix a thing whatever you
do

These bruises make for better conversation
Loses the vibe that
separates
It's good to know you've got a friend
That you remember now
and then
Everybody loses

These bruises make for better
conversation
Loses the vibe that separates
It's good to let you in
again
You're not alone in how you've been
Everybody loses,everybody
loses, everybody loses
We all got bruises, We all got bruises, We all got
bruises

Ah, I just turned on Pandora, and Somebody That I Used To Know is playing.  I haven't heard this song in a while, but I still love it.  I should look up the video when I'm done with this.  Brilliant.  I don't know if you're anything like me, but I normally wouldn't find Gotye attractive, but the shear brilliance of this video attracts me to him.  I'm weird like that.  Stern will be interviewing someone that I have no use for, and then he brings out everything from them, and BAM, whoever it is may make my list (at least until I forget about the interview).

Watching through windows.  You're wondering if I'm okay.  Now Time After Time is playing.  Again, pure brilliance.  I got off the phone w/ my sister Nealy a bit ago.  It's Nealy Jo's birthday :)  We had a really nice talk.  I'm not the biggest phone person, but I am getting much better.  It seems like communication was actually better before texts and social media came along.  I remember my friend Pam and I used to actually fax each other (she lived in AK & I in WA).  Plus, we used the phone.  Then email came along, and it was like magic.  It was such a great way to stay in touch with people.  That seems to have gone away and now it's like we're all living our relationships through sound bites, through a brief text or keeping up with them on Facebook or whatever.  Weird.  The more means we have of communicating, the worse we get.  Or, maybe that's just me...  Who knows.  Anyway, I've begun to appreciate phone calls much more, lately.  I love hearing from people out of the blue.  It's nice to look at the phone, and see it's from someone you care about and not the school, Dr., or other responsibilities (and Thank God, no longer work).  Anyway, I got off topic.  Nealy and I did have a good conversation, but we also talked about some recent losses from our home town.  A friend of mine recently lost his Mom.  It's been hard to watch everything unfold for him on Facebook.  It was sudden, but thankfully he got up there before she went, that day.  A couple of days after his Mom passed, he wrote the most beautiful thing I've ever read.  He wrote about the impact his Mom had on our community, her love, her support for all, her soul.  It was simply beautiful.   Also, a friend of our Mom died suddenly this weekend.  We were around Diane a lot when we were growing up.  When I think of Diane, I think of after my Grandma Mona died (my Mom's Mom).  My Mom doesn't show emotion much, but I remember her hugging Diane, up at my Aunt Kathy's, and crying and telling Diane, "she was my Mom."  Anyway, a very sad situation.

Walt's words about his Mom, really made me think of my own Mom.  I thought long and hard about our relationship and what my Mom means to me.  Now, she would die if she knew I was writing about her on here.  My Mom is very private and doesn't even like the idea of Facebook.  But she knows, she's not supposed to read this, and I'm pretty sure she never has. I am sure she doesn't approve, though.  It's funny, I can be fiercely private about some things, but as I've gotten older, I've grown much more trusting of people, of relationships.  I can't say that I really had reason not to trust before, but  opening up and trusting, I've found can be incredibly difficult, when that trust is broken.  So, I often find myself wondering if it's worth letting people in like I do.  I guess I must, as I haven't completely closed myself off, yet.  Again, I'm rambling and have gotten off topic.  What's new?  Anyway, what I admire most about my Mom is the friendships she has in her life.  Her friends would do absolutely anything for her.  I've never seen someone have so much love from their friends.  Her friends are like her family.  I love that.  I admire that.  I'm also rich in friends, and I must've gotten that ability to have people trust me, from her.  Very cool.

So, you're asking what's the 4 year anniversary all about?  Well, my friend reminded me the other day that it had been 4 years since we quit eating meat.  Yep, in September, 4 years ago, I read Skinny Bitch.  It changed my life forever.
When I read that book, it all just made sense to me.  I'd always turned a blind eye to what actually happened to those animals I was eating every, single day.  It took about 2 pages, to open my eyes wide open.  I didn't want to be responsible for even one animal suffering, ever again.  Of course, I also loved the benefits that a Vegan lifestyle would bring.  I did really well for quite a while, but then I let the dairy and soda back into my life.  Really, you can't put much more damaging things in your body than that.  I'm really an embarrassment for a Vegetarian, but at the same time, I'm super proud of it.  I'm on the right track again.  And more than anything, I'm thrilled that my decision to quit eating meat has opened others eyes, including the person who reminded me of the anniversary.  She quit eating meat about a week after me.  It really was nice to start this journey with someone else.  My sister Brooke, has also changed her diet, alone with many others who have asked me about my decision over the past 4 years.  In terms of knowing "how" to be healthy, I credit the book, Eat to Live.  I've learned more from this book, than any other.  Well, maybe the Bible is right there, too :)  I've given that book out as a gift more than any one thing over the years.  In fact, I went to read it again, and realized I'd given away both of mine own copies.  I had to reorder the thing.  I started reading it again.  I believe in it.  I trust in it.  Utterly and completely.  I have not been following the program necessarily over the past 4 weeks, but I have fallen back on the principals and message.  I hope to be following the plan again, soon.  So, here's to me!  I'm very, very proud of being a Vegetarian.  Hopefully, I can again, with confidence, refer to myself as a Vegan.  It's my answer.

Well guys.  Sorry, this was a long one.  In honor of Eat to Live, I'll leave you with a song from Alanis.  Eat to Live also changed her life.  It's what lead me to buy the book.

Thanks for being here with me,

Jen

"Thank You"   -One of my all time favorite songs

How 'bout getting off of these antibiotics
How 'bout 
stopping eating when I'm full up
How 'bout them transparent dangling carrots
How 'bout that ever elusive kudo


Thank you India, thank you terror
Thank you 
disillusionment
Thank you frailty, thank you consequence
Thank you, 
thank you, silence


How 'bout me not blaming you for everything
How 'bout me 
enjoying the moment for once
How 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive 
you
How 'bout grieving it all one at a time


Thank you India, thank you terror
Thank you 
disillusionment
Thank you frailty, thank you consequence
Thank you, 
thank you, silence


The moment I let go of it
Was the moment I got more than I 
could handle
The moment I jumped off of it
Was the moment I touched 
down


How 'bout no longer being masochistic
How 'bout remembering
  your divinity
How 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How 'bout not
  equating death with stopping


Thank you India, thank you providence
Thank you 
disillusionment
Thank you nothingness, thank you clarity
Thank you, 
thank you, silence



Read more:  Alanis
Morissette - Thank You Lyrics | MetroLyrics

I need to print this out (well, get a printer and print out :)  This is something I know I have to remember, but it's a hard one for me.  Well, it's probably hard for most of us.  I'm better about this now (at my advanced age), but really it's sooo hard.  The majority of my friends are really fit.  This is awesome.  It's probably one of the things that draws me to them: their dedication to taking care of themselves.  But then, I often wonder what they see in me.  It's not like that with all of my friends, but it is with some.  Blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine...  But again, I've come a long way with this.  I just need to keep working on this particular issue.

Saturday was really nice as Brian wanted us to go do something with just the two of us.  We mulled over a couple of things, and we decided to go to the town of Roslyn, WA to an Ale Festival.  I wanted to go, since that's the town where the t.v. show, Northern Exposure was shot.  As an Alaskan, of course that show has a special place in my heart.  I got my picture taken in the actual "radio station" from the show.  Really, it was just a small room, but it was way cool to me!  The ale festival was pretty neat.  I was really worried about drinking way too much (as I always seems to do...easy to do when you get a buzz off one beer), because you got 5 drink tokens with admission.  Well, there was no fear of drinking too much one you got your glass.  They were like a 4 or 5 oz. sampler glasses.  It was their first year, so they hadn't thought some things through (like providing water or offering food).  Anyway, we took a break from the ale fest to go get lunch at the saloon where many of the Northern Exposure scenes were shot.  It was also an opportunity to have a normal size beer.  Haha.  So, for a Vegetarian, the lunch choices are often small at a pub.  I was going to order the veggie burger, but then I started thinking about all of the crap that actually goes into making those things (but I still eat them....), and I thought I'd go with a grilled cheese, even though I haven't been eating dairy, well, except for the pizza the night before.  Anyway, we had a really fun time, and even with a good buzz on, I made Brian go for a 4 mile walk with me when we got back into town.  I did have to pee twice on the walk, though.  My hubby was none to impressed.

This leads me to yesterday morning.  Since I've started eating better, I'm very, uh regular.  And by that, I mean I crap at the same time every morning.  Well, let me tell you that stupid grilled cheese sandwich came back to haunt me.  I'm sure that coupled with the pizza, just messed me up.  Anyway, I couldn't go.  I was miserable all day.  I kept eating super high fiber foods yesterday, but to no avail.  All that came about was terrible gas...  Hot, huh?  I was so mad, since I knew I had my weigh in today.  I beat myself up terribly.  For dinner, I had a banana and 2 mandarin oranges...  I know, that's not smart.   I needed to eat more and smarter, but I was so terrified of the weigh in, as I'd missed that day of crapping....  But Thank God...it came today at the normal time :)  Aren't you glad I shared all that with you?  Really, I just want you all to learn from my mistake.  Really, dairy is terrible and does bind you up.  Oh, the weigh in...  It's week 4, and I'm now down a total of 11 pounds.  This was my biggest weight loss, so far.  So, I'm thrilled with 11 pounds in one month.  But also, my head is really trying to fuck with me.  I have so far to go...  If I felt I could do 11 pounds every month, I'd be more happy.  But I know that really isn't possible...  Oh man, I have so far to go...so far....   I've got to get that out of this messed up head of mine, though.  I feel better.  I really do.  My knee is sore, but I'll take that with all of the other benefits even just after such a small (in the grand scheme of things) loss.  Brian even commented that he could tell I was losing weight, when he put his arm around me in bed.  That makes me feel good.  O.K., here's happy Jen.  I've lost 11 pounds!!!  :)  I'll be sure to take pics, as I have my before pics.  I'm not ready to share them, yet, though.  I'm sure you won't really be able to tell anything, yet.  But once my body starts changing, hopefully I'll have the courage to share my journey.

Well, I've bored you enough with my tales of insecurity and bowel movements.  With that, I'll wish you a wonderful week.  It might be Monday, but we are here, and it's our job to make the best life we can, with what we have.

~Jen

I've decided to quit putting the number of days up in the subject, and I'll just go with the weekly weigh-in.  I'm not specifically following Eat To Live right now, so there's no count down to the end of anything.  Plus, I'm looking at this as a forever thing.  I know I won't be perfect, but there's been a definite shift in my head.  A shift that hasn't been there in a very, very long time.  I've always been an "all or nothing" kinda girl, but this time, I'm not feeling that way.  I don't know...it just hasn't worked for me...in any part of my life.  So, I'm working on that.  This week has continued to throw me stress, by way of Ryno not feeling well.  He's a little better, but for fuck's sake.  He should be much better by now.  It's crazy.  Everyday I've wanted to dive into a piece of cake, or go through a drive through, or drink a soda (my first week without), but I've talked myself through it.  It doesn't mean I've been perfect, but this is by far my best week of eating.  Plus, I kept thinking, Pizza Friday is coming up...you can't have this, if you're going to have that.  I've proven that with pizza in the house, I'm not strong enough to stay away from it.  I hate that it's so much dairy, but my dairy intake has been next to nothing this week.  I've also been cheating, by looking at the scale a couple of times this week.  I'm super pleased with what I see (short run obviously, if I think long run, I want to puke...so far to go...).  But it is the weekend, and Brian wants to go to this beer festival today.  I'll admit: I have no control over what I eat or how much I drink, once I get going.  I'm making sure that we're mixing in a good walk, but I know it's not enough to offset the damage.  I'll do my best though.  I know my weaknesses when it comes to drinking, and I'll give it my best shot today!

Now look, I know you looked at today's title and dirty thoughts went immediately into your head (at least I hope they did)!  But the sheets....are a different story.  I don't know what happened, but with the move, I could only find 2 sets of sheets for our bed.  I'm too cheap to buy more, with Christmas coming up.  My Mom always likes it when I tell her what I need, so I'm waiting it out.  Anyway, this is the first week that I've left Jesse out of the kennel when I've had to run errands.  The first time she did great.  I was so shocked!  She's such a chewer and destructive...  The second time, she pulled all of the blankets, sheets, and pillows off the bed, and slid the top mattress halfway off to chew up the tags on everything.  Ugh!  So pissed.  I showed her what she did wrong, and then I put her outside for a while.  This brings me to the third time...the little fucker actually shredded my bottom sheet.  My one "good" sheet!  Man, she tore that thing to shreds, I tell you...  Since then, she has been better, but in no way do I trust that little bitch (pun intended).  If Cal leaves any of his toys in the living room, or his bedroom door open, she quickly snatches them up and brings them outside with her toys (which she doesn't chew or play with...).  Poor Woody from Toy Story had his feet chewed off last night!  But what to do, I love this little girl with all my heart.  She's definitely my baby.  Of course, I may not think this way, once she chews up my crappy sheet :)

Other than Ryne being sick, everything else seems to be going really well.  I really do like it here.  It sucks no knowing anyone...  Really sucks, but I like that I see some of the same old guys when I walk Jesse down by the lake.  I truly enjoy our brief talks about the weather.  I love it when Jesse's able to play with other dogs down there.  I love that I have time to cook. This week I've made the Tomato Bisque, Cauliflower soup, and Accidental Goulash from the recipes tab on the side of this blog.  I'm really enjoying this brief break from work.  I know it won't last long, but for now, I'm trying to make the most of it.

I'd better get a move on.  It sounds like Brian is finishing in the shower, and we are out to make the most of the last of the nice weather.  It's already in the 30's in the morning.  It's been a chilly week, but it's supposed to be 70 today.  Fingers crossed for good weather, safe driving, and smart decisions.

Hope you all have a fantastic Saturday!  AKA the day before Football!

~Jen

Life lately has been really centered around how Ryne is feeling,  He's had a couple of ups but mostly downs.  On Sunday afternoon, he had a couple of hours where his stomach wasn't bothering him as bad, and he was joking around like the old Ryne.  It was then that I realized just how much his illness has taken from him.  He really hasn't been himself.  It's been so frustrating to see him sick, and not be able to make it better.  On Sat, he started a prescription (4 times a day...,) that's designed to help with an ulcer or gastritis.  He takes that along with Prilosec.  Yesterday he had image scans of his stomach, and he was found to have gastritis (inflation of the stomach).  He seems to be feeling a little bit better today and his coloring seems a little better as well.  Hopefully he's on the road to recovery.  It's also the first full day that he's been in school in over a week, I think.  The next steps will depend on how he's doing next week.  I know we are to need to find out how he got this.  The normal causes are adult related, and it unusual to find this in kids.  Fingers crossed for a good week!  Also, thanks to all of you who have called or text to check on him.  It truly means a lot!

The stress of all of this has really been crazy, hard.  At times I get so stressed my stomach hurts and other times I feel like I'm going to puke.  With all that's going on, I've made some good decisions and some poor decisions.  I'll say that I've definitely made more smart choices in the past week, though.  Yesterday I ran into the grocery store to pick up some crackers for Ryne to keep at school.  This was just after the scan and learning of the gastritis.  Right in the front of the store was this huge table of day old cakes, cookies, and cupcakes.  OMG....how did I want some...  I picked through them, and then talked myself out of it.  I ran and got the crackers only to find myself back at that table.  I had a package of cupcakes in my hand, thinking if I only have one, that won't be so bad.  But I knew with my stress level, and food addiction, there was no way I was only eating one....  So, I put it back.  Yes, I made a conscious choice about what I was and wasn't going to eat.  That's what I've been doing the  past 3 weeks.  That thought process has been missing a very, very long time.  I have a long way to go in order to undo what I've done to myself mentally and physically.  So, along those lines....I had a weigh in on Monday.  I gained 12 oz.  Yes, I GAINED weight.  I did all of that walking, and I still gained weight.  I'm sure being on my period wasn't a huge help, but really it came down to Saturday night.  My very close friend Misty came to town to visit me (it was so very nice to see her)!.  We went out to dinner (after we'd had 3 microbrews), and along with beers I had a veggie burger w/ cheese and fries w/ ranch...  We were definitely feeling no pain by the time we left that bar.  Brian was our on-call designated driver, and we then went what ended up being 2 more places.  We drank beers, one shot, and a mixed drink.  We drank an absurd amount...  I can't even imagine all of the calories that went into my body.  Then, to top it all off, there was the midnight food run on the way home.  I don't even want to tell you what I ate.  It's purely shameful....  That's not all that went into my gain for the week.  On Sunday, I was pretty much dead.  I hardly moved all day.  I think I only got 1500 steps in for the day.  So, pretty much nothing.  If I would've gotten my steps in, I could have at least avoided the gain, but I didn't.

There have been many, many, many times in my life where a weigh in like that would destroy me.  But I own that one.  And you know what's weird?  I think I'm only 7 lbs down, but I feel like it's so much more.  I feel good (aside from the stress).  I mean it.  I really feel good.  So, I'm hoping for a better week this time around.  I've made some soups and tomorrow will make some juice. I've been good about having my smoothies every morning (except Sun...), too.  So, I'll continue to fight the good fight...for myself.  That's how I feel: like I'm fighting to be myself again.  Thanks so much for being here with me.  I look at the numbers sometimes, and I'm just blown away.  Very cool.

Take care,

Jen