I got some shitty news from the surgeon recently and had myself a little pity party for a day or two. I’m supposed to take on, yet another Dr, but fuck if that’s going to happen. Seriously, there just isn’t time. I’m already doing p/t 2x per week (and supposed to be 3), therapeutic massage, and most weeks therapy for the head. It would be nice if my full time job, was just getting better, in every way. It would be nice for you, as well, I’m sure. The funny thing about being a working adult, is that’s where most of our time goes – to make money to spend on Dr’s appointments, a home that we rarely get to spend time in, a car we need to drive to work, etc. It doesn’t seem right, but that’s the way life it. Anyway, I decided, to fuck with the opinion of the surgeon or whoever. I know – real mature. But the thing is, they spend minutes with you. I spend my life in this body. I know I’m capable of more than what someone who spends minutes with me thinks. So, I decided to return to bootcamp. I know the plate is in place, so that is not a worry. I know my body is still very much healing (seriously, today marks 4 months, how can there still be swelling and shit?), but it doesn’t mean I’m dead. I mean, unless you ask my fitbit, as the pulse function no longer works – or if you ask my husband, who questioned if I had a pulse when I told him it wasn’t working. I asked permission of nobody, but I did reach out to the instructor beforehand to say I’d have a lot of limitations and asked her to work with me. I went to my first class, right from p/t (which will have to be the case again tomorrow), which was not ideal – but I can’t make excuses anymore. I need to reclaim my body. I’m so very glad I returned to bootcamp. Just even walking in and seeing faces I hadn’t seen in so long, made my soul happy. Most things are modified and everything is at a slow pace for me, but I feel so alive being there. This step is huge for me, and it will go a long way in my recovery – all the way around.
I finally stopped my anxiety eating. I wish I could say that I were eating better than I have been, but this last week and a half have been a big step in the right direction. I might not be making all healthy choices, but I am thinking about everything I put in my body. Awareness for me, is the biggest key to success. Tomorrow, I will begin to count calories again. I don’t love this process. I get too obsessive about it, and the whole thought of it gives me anxiety – but it is a necessary evil in the short run. I need to remember how much I can have of things, etc. In all actuality, I have been having issues with obsessive thoughts for a while now, so maybe switching up what my brain obsesses about isn’t the worst thing in the world. My brain has been slowing, but it still won’t stop.
My 600 Lb Life returned to T.V. a couple of weeks ago. The show, once again, is all things. (and One Ton Family, is also awesome). It brings me a sense of peace being able to relate to someone, while also being inspired by watching them change their diet (so far – only success stories). I mean, seriously, if they can change their eating habits – I can, and you can, too.
We said goodbye to my closest work friend on Friday. By far, she is the one I have the best connection with. I’m happy for her new opportunity but will definitely miss her. I wish it were only that part, but my job duties are once again changing – as I will be taking over her responsibilities tomorrow (along with keeping some of my own). It is nice that my bosses think I can handle it, but it really is something I have zero interest in doing. It is a much different type of buying than I’ve done, and it is a job everyone expresses that they know is the worst of them all. One lady told me she was going to retire early, if they made her take it back over. I don’t know…it all pays the same, but life is going to be even busier. I cannot fit more into the week between therapies and the boys with their activities – but the weekends will now require a lot of work hours. I guess it’s just more reason for me to figure out exactly what it is I’d like to do. A good friend here, is always talking about how much she loves her job. I want that feeling one day.
Sometimes life kicks you in the twat, which is what happened to me recently. We learn to deal with things the best we can. We all get kicked in the twat sometimes. Unfortunately, I turned to food, as I have for most of my life when things get bad. It sucks, because I had that part under control for so long (turning to food). All we can do is the best we can in these situations and remember our worth – and remember that we are worth putting healthy food into our body. Truthfully, it has been a rough run, but the way I eat has been not great for the past 14 months, since I first started getting sick. There were some tough times in there in the beginning, and I ran to food. I started to deal with it, but then would run to it again. I worked with a brain that was sick, and I didn’t come out on the winning end. I started to do really well again before surgery, but again, haven’t dealt with that well, either. The cold hard fact is, I have gained 47 pounds in 14 months. I hate saying that number out loud, but this is me reclaiming my life….this changes now. I am not coming into this, like I have in the past – wanting to lose a certain amount a week. I know just in the last week and a half, I feel better, making the changes I have. I don’t know that I have lost, but I don’t feel like I’ve gained. I guess I’ll find out when I get on the scale in a couple of days. I honestly wouldn’t even use the scale this time around, but my bootcamp is a weight loss competition, also. I need to weigh in for me/for our team (go Team Byron). Big sigh…it’s out there….the good news is, I’m not starting over. I’m still way, down from when I started losing weight – probably at least 70 pounds. I’m glad to be getting out in front of it now, before it all came back.
We all have our struggles and they affect us in different ways and to varying degrees. I’ve truly been feeling the weight of being so far from family and friends lately. I don’t feel lonely, but I definitely miss the comfort of sitting across from people I love and trust with all I have. There have been some low moments, and as if on cue – something will come in the mail from one of them. One relative gave me a really meaning piece of jewelry in recent months – another sent me some dishes that were the same as my grandmother’s, the other day. My heart about leaped out of my chest when I opened it. A cousin, who I love with all I have, randomly text the other day that he was driving through Vancouver and thinking of me and how much he loved and missed us. Seriously, there have been countless acts of kindness from friends or family, who haven’t known, that in that moment – I might need that. I’m forever grateful to have been born to the family I have and to the friends that I had the good sense to keep close with all of the years. I’m telling you this, because we all can be that person – we can be kind – we can reach out, simply out of love – nothing else. My hope is that we will all be that person, and we will all receive those random acts of kindness of love when we need it – and if it isn’t there in that moment, I pray that you reach out and say what you need.
I hope this day treats you well. Enjoy the hell out of it, we have just this one life.