Happy Sunday! I don’t know about you, but it has been tough for me to get up and do much today. I’m sick, which doesn’t help. I had plans to meet a friend to walk this morning, but this achy body couldn’t get over the view outside – of snow….and refused to go out into the cold. Knowing when to rest and when exercise will help has always been a struggle for me. I’ve been running myself into the ground, and that could be what made me sick in the first place. It could be this brain that refuses to shut off, and finally made my body sick, or hell…it could be the fact that I work in a large office and someone is always sick. Oh, yeah, and there’s the possibility that it’s the hormones (I’ve been spotting 3 straight weeks….). Who the fuck knows. The only thing I do know, is it could be worse, and I’m praying it just stays where it’s at.

I got some shitty news from the surgeon recently and had myself a little pity party for a day or two. I’m supposed to take on, yet another Dr, but fuck if that’s going to happen. Seriously, there just isn’t time. I’m already doing p/t 2x per week (and supposed to be 3), therapeutic massage, and most weeks therapy for the head. It would be nice if my full time job, was just getting better, in every way. It would be nice for you, as well, I’m sure. The funny thing about being a working adult, is that’s where most of our time goes – to make money to spend on Dr’s appointments, a home that we rarely get to spend time in, a car we need to drive to work, etc. It doesn’t seem right, but that’s the way life it. Anyway, I decided, to fuck with the opinion of the surgeon or whoever. I know – real mature. But the thing is, they spend minutes with you. I spend my life in this body. I know I’m capable of more than what someone who spends minutes with me thinks. So, I decided to return to bootcamp. I know the plate is in place, so that is not a worry. I know my body is still very much healing (seriously, today marks 4 months, how can there still be swelling and shit?), but it doesn’t mean I’m dead. I mean, unless you ask my fitbit, as the pulse function no longer works – or if you ask my husband, who questioned if I had a pulse when I told him it wasn’t working. I asked permission of nobody, but I did reach out to the instructor beforehand to say I’d have a lot of limitations and asked her to work with me. I went to my first class, right from p/t (which will have to be the case again tomorrow), which was not ideal – but I can’t make excuses anymore. I need to reclaim my body. I’m so very glad I returned to bootcamp. Just even walking in and seeing faces I hadn’t seen in so long, made my soul happy. Most things are modified and everything is at a slow pace for me, but I feel so alive being there. This step is huge for me, and it will go a long way in my recovery – all the way around.

I finally stopped my anxiety eating. I wish I could say that I were eating better than I have been, but this last week and a half have been a big step in the right direction. I might not be making all healthy choices, but I am thinking about everything I put in my body. Awareness for me, is the biggest key to success. Tomorrow, I will begin to count calories again. I don’t love this process. I get too obsessive about it, and the whole thought of it gives me anxiety – but it is a necessary evil in the short run. I need to remember how much I can have of things, etc.  In all actuality, I have been having issues with obsessive thoughts for a while now, so maybe switching up what my brain obsesses about isn’t the worst thing in the world. My brain has been slowing, but it still won’t stop.
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My 600 Lb Life returned to T.V. a couple of weeks ago. The show, once again, is all things.  (and One Ton Family, is also awesome). It brings me a sense of peace being able to relate to someone, while also being inspired by watching them change their diet (so far – only success stories). I mean, seriously, if they can change their eating habits – I can, and you can, too.

We said goodbye to my closest work friend on Friday. By far, she is the one I have the best connection with. I’m happy for her new opportunity but will definitely miss her. I wish it were only that part, but my job duties are once again changing – as I will be taking over her responsibilities tomorrow (along with keeping some of my own). It is nice that my bosses think I can handle it, but it really is something I have zero interest in doing. It is a much different type of buying than I’ve done, and it is a job everyone expresses that they know is the worst of them all. One lady told me she was going to retire early, if they made her take it back over. I don’t know…it all pays the same, but life is going to be even busier. I cannot fit more into the week between therapies and the boys with their activities – but the weekends will now require a lot of work hours. I guess it’s just more reason for me to figure out exactly what it is I’d like to do. A good friend here, is always talking about how much she loves her job. I want that feeling one day.

Sometimes life kicks you in the twat, which is what happened to me recently. We learn to deal with things the best we can. We all get kicked in the twat sometimes. Unfortunately, I turned to food, as I have for most of my life when things get bad. It sucks, because I had that part under control for so long (turning to food). All we can do is the best we can in these situations and remember our worth – and remember that we are worth putting healthy food into our body. Truthfully, it has been a rough run, but the way I eat has been not great for the past 14 months, since I first started getting sick. There were some tough times in there in the beginning, and I ran to food. I started to deal with it, but then would run to it again. I worked with a brain that was sick, and I didn’t come out on the winning end. I started to do really well again before surgery, but again, haven’t dealt with that well, either. The cold hard fact is, I have gained 47 pounds in 14 months. I hate saying that number out loud, but this is me reclaiming my life….this changes now. I am not coming into this, like I have in the past – wanting to lose a certain amount a week. I know just in the last week and a half, I feel better, making the changes I have. I don’t know that I have lost, but I don’t feel like I’ve gained. I guess I’ll find out when I get on the scale in a couple of days. I honestly wouldn’t even use the scale this time around, but my bootcamp is a weight loss competition, also. I need to weigh in for me/for our team (go Team Byron). Big sigh…it’s out there….the good news is, I’m not starting over. I’m still way, down from when I started losing weight – probably at least 70 pounds. I’m glad to be getting out in front of it now, before it all came back.

We all have our struggles and they affect us in different ways and to varying degrees. I’ve truly been feeling the weight of being so far from family and friends lately. I don’t feel lonely, but I definitely miss the comfort of sitting across from people I love and trust with all I have. There have been some low moments, and as if on cue – something will come in the mail from one of them. One relative gave me a really meaning piece of jewelry in recent months – another sent me some dishes that were the same as my grandmother’s, the other day. My heart about leaped out of my chest when I opened it. A cousin, who I love with all I have, randomly text the other day that he was driving through Vancouver and thinking of me and how much he loved and missed us. Seriously, there have been countless acts of kindness from friends or family, who haven’t known, that in that moment – I might need that. I’m forever grateful to have been born to the family I have and to the friends that I had the good sense to keep close with all of the years. I’m telling you this, because we all can be that person – we can be kind – we can reach out, simply out of love – nothing else. My hope is that we will all be that person, and we will all receive those random acts of kindness of love when we need it – and if it isn’t there in that moment, I pray that you reach out and say what you need.

I hope this day treats you well. Enjoy the hell out of it, we have just this one life.
 
~Jen

Happy 2019! Hopefully you aren’t nursing too much of a hangover this morning. It’s a nice, quiet morning here in the Midwest. I’m drinking a smoothie. My body may go into shock, with actual healthy stuff in my body. I’m up 7 pounds just since the Monday after Thanksgiving. I gave over-eating my all this holiday season. Caleb is still sleeping, Ryne spent the night out, and Brian is at work. I’m writing in my room, with a salt lamp and candle going in the background. I’m going into 2019 in the most Zen like state I can.

2018 has been a tough year to live through and look back on. In the grand scheme of things, I know I’m a very lucky woman. This year could have turned out much differently. So, instead of reliving all things that made the year very, very difficult – I am choosing to write about the year in review – focusing on the good – and there was a lot of good.

My favorite moment of 2018 was probably when Caleb told me he made the varsity high school swim team. Now, you probably don’t know anything about my son and the struggles he has been through. It’s not something I talk about a lot, and I certainly don’t write about it on here. I know he wouldn’t mind me talking about it. He is open with friends and talks a lot about his Autism with me. Caleb was diagnosed at 2 years and 4 months. There were concerns from the Doctor when he was a year and a half, but at that time, testing did not start until the child turned 2. I had only seen and heard of Autism once at that time. -This was 13 years ago. I don’t have a great memory, but I remember everything about those months and early years. There were therapists for speech, physical therapy, occupational therapy, vision therapy (before he received surgery on both eyes for strabismus), therapeutic pre-school, etc. Caleb had significant issues with coordination. A neurologist told us his muscles were “too loose,” blah, blah, blah. We heard it all. Caleb has pretty significant pronated ankles. He was in braces for years. We then moved out to the middle of nowhere…in the Midwest, and he could do some of the same services in the school, others we would have to pull him from school and drive into Chicago. At some point, we decided it was more important for him to be in school, than the results we were now getting from some of these therapies. In his younger years, the services all had much more of an impact than they were having as he grew older. We put everything into him having the most “normal” school experience possible, even letting him go without the braces on his feet. After a year out here, we moved to the town we are in now – based on their excellent school system. It was here, that after Caleb being in swim lessons for four years….that he finally learned to swim through the local parks district. As is common with people on the spectrum, he always had issues putting his face in the water. When the lessons finished, I asked his instructor if she thought Caleb would be okay joining the club swim team. She told me he was not ready. Thankfully, the following week, I ran into the woman who was in charge of the Parks & Rec club swim program. She asked why Caleb wasn’t swimming and encouraged me to have him join. Fast forward, years later and Caleb made the varsity swim team, as a freshman. It was a dream of his, which he achieved. I’ve always been proud of him and all of his efforts, but I know how big this is to him, and my heart is swelled with pride for him. Brian recently looked at me, and said, “Could you have ever imagined Caleb would be a high school athlete?” Caleb’s life is not the easiest in some ways, but I thank God for swim. I thank God for those who have worked hard to make his dreams come true. I thank God for all that swimming has given him.

Another great part of this year, has been watching Ryne enjoy his Senior year of high school. When I look back, my senior year is my favorite year ever. I’m so glad he’s also having that same great experience. He’s got a lot of friends, and he continues to make really great decisions – like joining the cross country team to “stay in shape.” Ryno is such a smart kid, but unfortunately…he knows that and doesn’t apply himself much when it comes to doing homework or studying. He knows he can get by with minimal effort. His SAT scores were really good, though, and because of that he has gotten some “fast track” applications to colleges, meaning he didn’t have to pay to apply and was accepted right away. I have no doubt Ryne can be whatever he wants to be. He hasn’t decided on a college yet, but my hope is the challenge of college work, will bring out the best in him. It’s all a super exciting time, and I love watching him go through it all. I also have to say, that he and his friends have made a huge difference for Caleb in school. Caleb was bullied quite a bit in middle school, but this year, he is treated like a king from all of these seniors. He is treated differently be the kids in his class, because of it. He even credits one of Ryne’s best friends, as being someone who is always there for him. Ryne also has friends that are Juniors, so I know he’ll still be looked after next year. Ryne is a great kid, who has such good taste in friends. I’m very proud.

2018 was a tough year to get things done, between all of the illness and physical stuff, but I’m stoked to have gotten to a few concerts. Brian and I got out to CO to go to a show and spend time with the bff and her hubby. I was also able to see my new favorite, Brandi Carlile. There was also a couple more shows spent with friends and was even able to do quite a bit of travel. Oh yes, and get in a few Broadway shows. I’m thankful, that as much as this year tried to stop me from having a life – I persevered. 2019 will also be a great year for concerts. I’ve even already gotten some concert tickets and am looking forward to a full year of music.

I left my job this year and went to another company. I still miss the people I used to work with, but I really needed to leave my old job. I think getting a text from my boss, the second business day after being carted out of work in an ambulance asking if I wanted to use vacation time or make-up the time was really eye opening in that I needed to get the fuck out…. I could hardly speak yet, but the concern was about my vacation hours (I’m a salaried employee…). I went to a new company, where after being there less than three months, I had to leave for two months for surgery and the company was nothing but supportive and took care of me financially. I may not love what I do for a living. I’ve known this for years, but making the decision to switch companies was most definitely the right decision.

When I look back, on when I started to know something was wrong with me – I knew in Nov 2017 something was off. I’d been working with that, but really it was probably a couple of months earlier that it all started. That’s when the unexplained constipation started. I was eating so healthy – it didn’t make sense. When I landed in the hospital and my potassium numbers came back, I remember the nurse saying, “You must have been feeling like garbage for a long time.” In the moment, I couldn’t make any connections, though. I was so sick… I’m very lucky my coworker noticed something was wrong with me and didn’t let me drive home, like I wanted. I’m lucky to have gotten the care I got. It was so strange to not be able to move my body, and for the words to be so delayed and stuttered out. From there, my body rebelled and it got to the point where I couldn’t use my left hand or turn my neck. I remember vomiting from the pain the week before surgery on my neck. Again, I’m lucky to have had a great surgeon. I still have a long way to go, but I am on the right track. I’m grateful to friends and family who have been there with me through it all. I know, that none of them understand, as they haven’t been through it. I know what I’ve been through and what I continue to go through. It is my journey, but I wouldn’t be where I am without the love and support of so many. I am a lucky woman.

I’m not going to make a bunch of resolutions, but I will continue to build on the work I’ve been doing already. I have been pushing my strength work every single day. I am going to add in the aerobic part of it that has been missing. Time is an issue, but my life is important enough that I need to make time. I’ll continue to work on myself and the person I am. The people I allow in my life. I deserve better than some of the crap I’ve allowed in my life. I know my worth, and will work on my self-esteem every day. I have issues putting other peoples needs, before my own, and I am changing that.

I work hard on being a positive thinker. I work on this, even when depression comes to visit. For me, it’s the simplest things, in the war against depression. I choose to do the little things, that bring me joy – clean bedding, listening to music as I clean house, taking my car through the “good car wash,” walking and snuggling with Jesse, cleaning my bathroom, and writing. I do these things, even when nothing seems to work – and even if I lose the battle, I continue to win the war. Life is good, even if it doesn’t always come easily. If you have these same struggles, continue the fight, in whatever way works for you – even if nobody understands “your” things. I mean, seriously…cleaning my bathroom does make me happy.

2019 will be a great year for this family. Brian and I have spent a lot of time trying to plan things out. It is so hard with his schedule, and the boys’ schedules, for us all to do things together – but this is the year. I’m excited for this chapter in our lives. We have built our lives together for the past 26 years, and I think year 27 is going to be fantastic.

My hope and prayer for us all, is that 2019 is our favorite year ever. The year will be what we choose to make of it. Happy New Year.
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~Jen