It’s 4th of July week.  This week is either my very favorite week of the year, or my least favorite.  It all depends on if I go home or not.  At this very moment, I have friends and family that are posting pictures of getting on jets or getting off of jets going home, or they’re posting their partying pictures from last night, or pictures of all of the kids playing together.  I see pictures of fishing, glaciers, toasting, people I miss every single day, including my family.  This year, my sisters all made it up.  I’m the only one that couldn’t go.  Yeah, pretty much a dagger to my soul.  There was a brief time that I thought about it….when they announced plant shut down for this week, and I was going to be forced to take the week off.  But as soon as I made mention of the thought of it, my boss decided we were going to do inventory (6/29), which was mandatory.  What a long fucking day yesterday was.  I’m so not a morning person, so just starting an hour earlier than normal (6:30), kicked my ass.  Not to mention, I woke up to my period.  Yay me!  I guess it makes sense I was on it when I was in Alaska last year for the 4th.  It was also then optional if we worked, noting we’d have to have at least two people on staff every day.  So, there it was…thoughts of going home doused.  (As it is, I’m now -8 vaca hours after the funeral).  Plus, it was probably always just going to be a pipe dream.  My next trip home, I’d really love for Brian and the boys to go.  At nearly $1,000 a ticket, that’s rough.  And if I’m totally honest with myself, I was never going home at this weight.  I thought it couldn’t be any worse than last year…when I was at my heaviest…but now I’m even much heavier than that…  Of course, I didn’t share any of that with the people that tried to get me to go home.  Deep down, I know they love me, no matter what size I am.  But truly, I am not comfortable in my own skin like this.

So, what you ask could bring any more anxiety to this week?  Well, it takes all I have to work at a desk all day, so I need to be busy.  I love to be so busy that my head spins.  We’re on shut down this week, so we have no production working.  I buy parts for production….  It’s going to be a long ass week!  I’m already going crazy, and I’ve been here less than three hours.  Thank God we have the 3rd of July off for holiday.

We don’t have many plans for this weekend, so I hope to really get a lot done on the book.  I took some much needed time away from it, and I’m so glad I did.  I read it again, and I have a whole new love for the project.  I’m really happy with the flow and where it is right now.  I know I need to be more descriptive in my writing, which is what the editor wants to see, but that’s not a natural process for me, so after this next round of writing (I’m going to add a couple of chapters), I’m just going to pay her to do that part for me.  I’ve worked way too long on this project and the thought of trying to rewrite the chapters is just too overwhelming for me.  My laptop is getting fixed right now (the boys downloaded a game which caused many viruses), so in order to read my book, I had to put it on my kindle.  Who knew you could do that?  So glad for my editor to walk me through such things.  It was so cool to read my book like that.  It gave me a feel for reading the finished product.  Last week, I also wrote my first submission for my editor’s book.  No pressure there!  I haven’t been able to send it to her, because my laptop is in the shitter, but my laptop is supposed to be ready tomorrow.  Anyway, I think the submission is good, but it’s a different kind of writing than I’m used to.  We’ll see, but it’s really encouraging that she asked me to write for her.  Like really encouraging.

Last Friday sure was a huge day.  The Supreme Court decision to legalize gay marriage really made my heart smile.  I am so very happy for so many people I know.  I’ve seen the crap my cousin has had to go through all of these years.  It’s unbelievable.  So, to know that we are in the place we are now, as a nation, is really huge.  My cousin and her wife are two of the best parents I know.  I know I can’t compare myself to them, because they make us all look like amateurs.  I’m also really happy for my favorite person to flirt with, Ed, and his husband Arby (he looks like Tom Selleck-ahhhh).  I  know, weird right, but he is a good flirt, and he makes me believe his flirting.  I love that guy.  Anyway, just happy for lots of people I love and care about.  Just happy for the many people who won’t have to know all of the suffering those people have had to go through their whole lives, just because of their sexual preference.  Love is love.  There is no doubt.  Hell, I’m just Brian leaving me, and Gwen Stefani proposing to me away from gay marriage myself.  Or, should I just say second marriage.  Marriage is now marriage.  How beautiful is that?

I’ll try to wrap things up here.  I could seriously write for hours today.  In a nutshell, other than the bad stuff that comes with my period, things are good.  The boys have been loving baseball, Brian likes his new job, I’m gearing up to get my shit together-in anticipation of my girls trip to Vegas-and the rest of my life.  I’ve also been meeting more people lately.  There are a couple of baseball moms that I seem to connect with pretty good.  One of which, is one of Caleb’s friend’s mom.  She’s pretty bad ass.  She was pregnant with her youngest, when she found out her other son had Autism, and during that same time, she found out she had M.S.  Let me tell you something…she handles it.  She handles it like a baller.  I enjoy being around her.  She’s good people and a true inspiration.

I’ll leave you with the video for Just the Way You Are.  I need to watch it, too.  I’ve never seen it, but I love the song.  The song is the center of my favorite scene in my book.  I know I wrote it, but I get choked up every time I read or work on that scene.  Hope you love the song, too.

Enjoy your day!

Jen

I added captions, but you might have to click on the pictures to see them.

My friends Kim and Le  Ann and I have been planning a girls trip for a while now, and we’ve finally nailed down a date for Vegas.  Since the planning started, we’ve talked about flying somewhere to see Air Supply and other such awesomeness, but we finally chose a weekend based on an actual responsible adult thing (but God I hope Air Supply is playing there while we’re there)….wait for it: we are going to Vegas for the Biggest Loser 5k.  How cool is that?  Talk about motivation to get my ass going.  I’m way stoked!  I’m stoked to see my girls, I’m stoked ‘cause it’s Vegas Baby, but I’m equally stoked to have a goal like that.  Whenever I’ve been involved in Vegas trips in the past, we’ve long been talking about our alcohol plans and other such shenanigans at this point of the planning.  I love that stuff, but it’s fun to have something so rewarding as the main reason for this trip.  Now, my friends won’t have much if any training to do (L.P.-Kim had already run 4 miles today when I talked to her), so I need to step up my game.  Okay, you’ve got me.  I’ve got to actually get in the game, and start moving.  The timing for all of this is pretty good, too.  A couple of nights ago my friend Caity text me a video of me ziplining on Fremont street in Vegas.  I barely recognize that girl.  Well, that chick is showing up in Vegas.  And because she’s with a different set of friends than I’ve gone with a couple of times in the past, this time probably won’t mean scaling a fence at 2 A.M. to skinny dip in the outdoor hot tub of the hotel with my friends.  But it’s Vegas, you can never rule anything out.  Plus, I never regret that crazy stuff.  Always fun.  Anyway, I’m feeling inspired, so I thought I’d write.



Hope you’re having a fun and inspired day.

Much Love,

Jen

The weather here has been absolutely brutal.  We really haven’t had a summer to speak of, yet.  Half of the boys baseball games have been rained out (last night’s double header included-don’t like to play in the middle of a tornado).  But today, now today is gorgeous, as was last Fri.  I have a few coworkers that I’m pretty close with, and so in honor of Jim turning double nickels today, he wanted to go back down to the waterfront and eat (we discovered it last Fri.)  It was a total happy accident last Fri.  We’d heard this restaurant was really good, so we headed down.  It’s a total shit hole, where you just wait for your food (way cramped-no tables), which forced us to eat outside.  On Fridays here, they have live music and have a big tent set up with tables.  Wow.  Talk about a nice surprise for the middle of the day.  It was wonderful.  So, we did the same thing today (minus the music, since it’s not Fri).  Boy, talk about food for the soul.  Such a nice distraction from being trapped in a cubicle all day.  It’s been way hard to focus since we got back, though.  Oh, and I’ll let you in on something I discovered on Friday….apparently it’s fun to sit out and do those things in the sun without drinking.  Who knew???  I know, I find it shocking myself.

I guess that leads me to the drinking thing.  Except for the John Mellencamp concert and being with my family during Jace’s tragedy, I haven’t been drinking at all.  I feel great about it, but unfortunately my anxiety is now totally “controlled” lol-by food.  Ugh.  Fucking food.  For real.  I hate it.  But I do feel good about the not drinking and hopefully I’ll have a hold on this food thing shortly.  My friends and I have been trying to plan our girls Vegas trip today.  Hopefully that will be the push I need.  Well, shove I need…well, throw me to the ground and beat the shit out of me that I need…I need something big.

I’ve been back at working on the book.  Ah, and I love it again.  I’d buried myself in it for so long, that I don’t know that I even liked it anymore.  But at my editor’s suggestion, I took some time away from it, and now see it with a fresh set of eyes and as a story and not all of the work and editing that needs to be done.  I have to tell you just how much I adore my editor.  She’s one of those people I think I was meant to know.  I just feel it.

I’m feeling good and am waiting with great anticipation for 36 more minutes to tick by, so I can get my night going (Ryne has a game).  It’ll be a beautiful night for baseball.  I hope this day finds you well and full of peace.

Oh, and this song is on the CD that I've been listening to for far to long in my loser cruiser.  Still love it.  I think we can all relate to it.  In some ways, I still relate to it every single day.

Much Love,

 Jen

Baseball is done for the week, and now the boys and I are home (Brian is working).  Ryne and Cal are playing the X-Box while I think of incredibly inventive ideas of procrastinating from my book and new project (my editor would like me to contribute some content to her book-I know-super cool, right?)  I've been home four hours already and the only thing I'm managed to do is make dinner (super fancy-sandwiches), watch Pop-Up Video, play on my phone and think about all of the work I need to do.  I'm just so burned out, that even the work I usually enjoy doing, seems overwhelming.  So, here, I am, finding another reason not to work....I mean, surely the tens of people ;) that read this site are dying for an entry, right?  LOL...and I do mean, LOL. 

I have to confess, after only one paragraph, I had to look at Facebook.  I'm even boring myself today!   This morning there was a Biggest Loser 5k in Rockford.  I wanted to go so bad, but I didn't have anyone to go with.  I really missed being home this week.  I thought about the walk and asked my friends, but none could go.  If this were in Vancouver, we'd have a whole fucking team, with t-shirts on.  No shit.  What a difference 2200 miles makes.  I've missed my friends terribly this week.  I really have.  I really contemplated going to the walk myself, but I thought that would only make myself feel worse...walking by myself with everyone else paired off or on teams.  I really wish Brian wouldn't have had to work, I know I could've talked him into it.  He wouldn't have wanted to, but even at our advanced age, the promise of a BJ would probably work.

It's so weird that I don't have the drive or creativity flowing through me today to work on the book or new project.  I've thought about both of them a ton this week.  It's really hard to do a job all day, when your passions are pulling you elsewhere.  Anyway, I live in cubicle land.  I moved cubes a few weeks ago, when there was a new hire for another dept., and they needed her to be closer to them.  I'm still with my coworkers, but on the end, and on the other side of me in cubicle land is engineering and drafting.   Not a woman in site.  The guys are all great, though.  I really like almost everyone I work with, and the people I don't positively love, still aren't all that bad.  The guys like to make fun of me, when I cuss under my breath or talk to myself (which I do way too often-always forgetting there's only this thin barrier between us).  A couple of the guys struck up a convo with me the other day.  We were all sitting in our seats working away, while we talked for a few minutes.  We weren't especially loud or anything.  But my boss, comes flying down my row and give me the safe sign (like an ump gives in baseball).  My coworker Jim actually emailed me a pic of a safe sign (but this great 'ol site...isn't working right, so I can' t upload it).  She then tells me, we need to quit talking, and that Mike needs to be focused (Mike is a sixty year old man on the other side of my cube).  Yeah, I got shushed by my boss.  I guess there's a first time for everything.  I think you probably know this about me.....but in my head, that didn't go over very well.  It pisses me off just thinking about it.  My boss's nickname is "Satan," but I thankfully, don't have to see that side of her often.  Oh Lord, have I heard stories though.  But getting shushed, made me really think about the book a lot more.  I've got to get that thing done.  There has to be a more satisfying way to make a living.  Really, there just does.

Wed. was mine and Brian's twenty year wedding anniversary.  Crazy, huh?  We've been together for twenty three years now.  Caleb had a baseball game that night, but thankfully Brian didn't have to work, so we were able to see it together.  Afterward, the three of us grabbed an 8:00 dinner in town.  (I'm not trendy enough to eat that late).  Brian and I will celebrate next weekend, when he doesn't have to work.  I'm not sure what that'll be, but I hope we step it up and do something great.

Last night, my friend Jackie came over to have dinner and watch a movie.  We never made it to the movie, though.  We watched like four Naked and Afraid episodes.  I'm totally addicted.  I always thought the show must be a joke, until coworker Jim (whom I positively adore) told me about his g/f being obsessed with it.  I adore her, too, so I had to check it out.  I think that show's the only t.v. I've watched in the past month or so.  While Jackie was over, my therapist text me to check on me, saying she knew how hard the session the night before had been (yes, apparently therapists text now.  Actually, it's an easy way to make appointments).  But nothing makes you feel like you're fucked up then receiving a text from your therapist.  Haha!  But actually, it had been hard.  It was the first session, since the funeral.  I'd been sitting on a lot of emotion, and it all came out.  The great thing about the text, was I then realized why I was so fucking tired.  I couldn't figure it out before.  My brain really is fried sometimes.  haha.  But I'm thankful for this therapist.  She's really good.  She even called me out on something I only recently realized I was doing.  She's good people that one.  Back to Jackie, it was a fun night.  I haven't been doing many social things, so it felt good to hang out.  She's a great friend, and she has been a tremendous help with the boys, with us living out here.

I know I've talked about everything, but nothing really, so I'll let you go.  I hope tomorrow brings you a wonderful day for of laughter and love.  Happy Saturday night, Sunday Eve.

Love,

Jen

I text this picture to a friend the other morning  (I know, she's truly lucky to have me in her life-lol).  Yeah, that's my nipple.  I was about forty minutes into my fifty minute drive to work when I realized I forgot to wear a bra.  It's hard to tell from the picture, but let's just say...I'm not one that can get away without wearing a bra.  I'm very heavy, so that means I'm packing a couple of biggies.  Plus, one is like a whole size bigger than the other, so a bra is very necessary.  And last but not least, let's just say there's no lift to them.  My bras get a real workout.  I know this week was crazy, just coming off of the trip out west.  Brian was working long hours this week, so I leave my house at 6:30 A.M. and get home between 8-10 at night (baseball every night).  I've been a little overloaded.  But that's life, and that's how it is for lots of people, and how it's been for me for quite a while.  In this, I've always managed to wear a bra.  So, I thought this was mostly funny, but in the back of my mind, I was a little worried.  My brain has been so full of static and it has been especially bad this past week.  Oh well, laugh it off.  So, Thursday comes around and I'm feeling really good about what I'm wearing.  I was a little dressed up and had on some cute sandals to show off the pedicure I get about once a year (this year I've done it twice though...way spoiled ;) when they guy sitting behind me in our morning meeting (at this point I've been a work an hour and a half) says, "I can see the tag in the back of your shirt.  I think your shirt is on inside out."  And sure as shit, it was....  Back to back mornings of crazy shit that I'd somehow managed to go my whole life without doing....  Now, I got worried.  I knew my brain wasn't working right.  I hadn't been able to remember my address and some other obvious things lately.  My brain was just off, like really off.  I could feel it.  It took me back to recovering from my second concussion.  I was actually worried I might have had a stroke or something...But I also know my diet has been total shit, including way, way too much sugar (fucking pop)....and I've been on this new antidepressant for nearly a month....so it could be this med.  IDK.  But it scared the shit out of me.  Friday my brain felt off most of the day, too.  It finally began to clear up at Ryne's baseball game that night (maybe the fresh air, maybe the fact I wasn't stressing out about being behind from missing work for the service).  Yesterday I slept in, and I felt a ton better.  (Yes, I just realized this is the longest paragraph in history and probably should've been broken up into about five of them-my editor would kill me).  I made a smoothie yesterday morning and ate better than I have in quite  a while (although far from perfect).  I only drank part of a regular Pepsi, and boy did my brain feel better.  Oh, I also didn't take the antidepressant on Friday and took it yesterday (that's how the internet tells me to wean off, and the internet is always right, haha).  So, despite yesterday being a super busy day of baseball, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, and making a big dinner for company, my brain felt much, much better.  It feels good today, too, thank God.

Sooo....I've had a lot of pause for thought this past week about the weight.  I'm too young to feel the way I've been feeling.  I'm so tired of feeling like shit.  But I had a big wake up call when I was around my family for the service.  First off, it's hard to ignore that I'm really the only fat one in that huge family.  It should bother me more than it does.  I wish it did.  There's a day when it would've killed me.  But my family is seemingly very accepting of my weight (although I shutter to think of what they say about it when I'm not there), and they always talk about me being an athlete, and this and that...they make me feel like I'm more than I am.  Always.  But the thing I saw with my family was pure grief.  It broke my heart to see everyone hurting like that.  I'd never seen grief like that out of any of them.  We've had tragedies, just like everyone, but the loss of Jace and us seeing Cole like that, was unlike anything.  It was gut wrenching.  It hurt my soul to see my Mom in that much pain.  She really doesn't get emotional much.  It killed me.  So, after a very uncomfortable plane ride home, where my fat ass kept pushing up the arm rest between me and the skinny kid next to me...I thought about that grief and how I never want to see my family like that again....and how I don't want to be the one to cause their hearts to hurt.  I'm not being dramatic here, but I've felt for a while that I'm moments away from a heart attack or stroke.  I know how I've been feeling.  I know the signs I've been experiencing.  I know that I'm on a shit ton of medications when they could all really be treated with a really clean diet and active lifestyle, but I haven't cared enough about myself to do anything about it.  Seeing that kind of pain in the people I love, is enough to make me want to do something about it.  You know what's equally as bad as that?  Confiding in someone I love essentially what I just told you, and having them tell me, they are worried about the same thing for me.  My family posted a lot of pictures, and there's just no hiding this kind of weight.  I don't know how long my friend has felt this way, or if it was seeing the recent pictures, but having her tell me that she sees me (so, she sees the fat, I pray to God she won't see), and worries that I'm going to die from my weight, is excruciating.  I don't want her to see that when she looks at me.  I want her to see someone she loves, someone she's proud of...not a walking corpse.  Yeah, so lots on my mind.  This is serious shit, and I know it.

Well, I guess this has been heavy enough.  The last two entries have made me cry, and like a lot of people in my family, I hate to cry.  So, I'll go and tackle the day. I have most of Sunday still in front of me.  I plan to make the most of it, along with making those weeds in my planter, my bitch.

Much Love to you,

Jen

Not even really sure how to start this post.  It's been a really difficult time for my family.  12 days ago, my cousin Cole's nearly five month old son died of SIDS.  To say this has been devastating, is clearly an understatement.  There is just no way to prepare for something like this.  I flew out a few days after it happened and was there for five days.  The support from our family and Rachel's was just tremendous.  There were so many people who traveled out there and some who are still there (they live an hour and half north of Seattle).  My sister Nealy drove over from Spokane as soon as she heard, hoping to give them a hug and ended up staying for nine days.  I'm so proud of Nealy and all that she did in helping with arrangements, and so many things that nobody would ever want to deal with.  My cousin Melinda was a total rock star, too.  In a very difficult time, they really stepped up and took the burden off of Cole and Rachel, who were in no position to be having to deal with things, other than their grief.

Everyone just flocked to Washington, not knowing what to do, but knowing they had to be there.  The days were long and spent at Cole and Rachel's house.  They wanted to be around family, and the house and yard were always full.  Rachel's family was simply amazing, too.  The two families really just meshed.  (They are from the island closest to our hometown).  The first couple of days were so busy getting things in place (writing obituary, funeral arrangements, and arriving family members).  The day I arrived was also the viewing....  I pray to God I will never see anything like that again.  Seeing the grief was just too much.  Nobody ever wants to see somebody they love so much, hurt like that.  I will never forget that day...it makes me emotional just thinking about it.  Jace looked so perfect.  I just stared at him, thinking he should be breathing.  It doesn't make sense.  This will never make sense.  Those first days were also so hard, because every time someone new arrived at the house, the overwhelming sadness would begin all over again.  Friday night, Rachel's brother-in-law BBQ'd Alaskan salmon and the drinks were flowing.  Everyone had been so very sad and consumed with everything, that it was great for people to smile and laugh again, and enjoy the company of family we don't get to see that often.  It was nice to see my Mom, Nealy, Brooke, so many aunts and uncles and cousins that I haven't seen in way too long.

Here is a picture of our family (missing a few who were out running errands, etc.), along with some of Rachel's.  I can't express to you enough just how lucky and blessed I feel to belong to this family.  Really, our bond and the love we have for one another is just so amazing. 

I also feel so incredibly blessed to have the friends and support that I do.  The outpouring of love from my friends was just so amazing.  The prayers they sent to our family and the kind words they sent were overwhelming.  My friend Kara gave me Alaska Airlines passes for the trip, which was so very nice.  It was nice to not have to worry about the cost, in the midst of everything.  So many also donated to the Go Fund Me (Jace Appleman).  Kim held my hand during the service, Misty came to spend time with the family, Tammi drove all the way up just to have breakfast with me.  My heart melts, just thinking of all of the love.  The circumstances of it all are the worst thing, but out of it all, came a love that knows no bounds, that's for sure.

Anyway, today is Cole's birthday, so I thought it was fitting to write about our love for him today.   Cole's always been so great with kids.  My boys adore him.  He and Caleb have a very special ritual of wiping boogers on one another.  Big sigh :)  Cole and Rachel are great parents to their daughter Kendyll, and Cole is a father figure to Rachel's ten year old son, Jerrod.  Cole was born to be a father.  We've always known this.  So, I ask you to include Cole, Rachel, Jerrod, Kendyll, and Jace in your prayers.  Please.  This makes me cry....please pray for them.  I pray that somehow they will be able to get through this.

I'll leave you with the song I played for the slide show at the service.

Much Love,

Jen