I returned to work last week, and have been running ragged ever since. I was able to limit my hours which helped, but Brian was working, and the boys schedules were brutal. There were late nights every night that week. This week is exactly the same. So, instead of travelling to Ryne's game tonight and arriving late (after dropping Cal at swim practice), I decided to sit out this game, and give myself a rest. If I knew Ryne were playing (as he's supposed to tomorrow night), then I wouldn't have missed it. Unfortunately, he hasn’t gotten much playing time this year. It has been a real bummer, and certainly not how the coach explained to him the season would go. So, with games every weeknight last week and this week, I sat this one out. I guess things happen for a reason, as I would have been out of town, when I got the call that Cal had started to feel ill at practice and had to run down and get him. (He's fine, though).
Today, it has been a month since my first episode with the potassium. Two days later, it happened again on a much bigger scale, and I was in the hospital. It was beyond scary for a while, but I have continued to heal rapidly. Even so, I'm getting incredibly frustrated that I'm not all the way cured. I worry about how long it will take to have full strength on my left side. The neurologist was supposed to refer me to physical and speech therapy. I don't need the speech any longer (it's 99% normal now), but I haven't gotten the call from the physical therapy office I requested. I'm sure it has been lost in the shuffle, but I haven't pushed it as I knew I was no longer going to be working in Dixon (more on this later). I didn't want to start something I couldn't finish. So, I push myself with walking when I can, and I find out, after the fact, when it has been too much. My brain wants to go, but my damn left leg is not cooperating. It is getting better, though. So, I struggle with how much to push myself. I want to try running a bit, but I worry my leg will give out underneath me. I need to grow a pair, and just try it. A new boot camp starts next week, and there's a big part of me that wants to go and just see what I can do. The rest of me says, girl that would be fucking stupid…let yourself heal. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I'm just getting increasingly frustrated, when I need to just breathe and give it all some time - and remind myself of just how lucky and blessed I am.
For quite a while, I've been unhappy at my workplace. I've been in purchasing for what feels like a million years. There are parts of purchasing that drive and fulfill me. In my current position, I have none of that. My days are spent reacting to issues. My feet are never set under me, and instead of doing the things I'm best at and drive me - I'm simply putting out fires. I have a physical reaction some days, while walking in from the parking lot. I haven't enjoyed working there for a long time. There were a few rounds of major layoffs, and the place has never been the same since. It's like a light went out and the laughter left. So, I've been serious about leaving and have interviewed (and actually had other offers), but I hadn't found the right fit for me. Before getting really sick, I had a phone interview and then a 3 1/2 hour in-person interview. It went really well, and I was expecting an offer, but they are a worldwide organization, and the process has been really drawn out. I guess that all happened for a reason. If it were a normal situation, I would have just started when everything went down. Instead, I got the offer the Friday before returning to work. The following Friday, I gave my two weeks notice. All that I've been through, solidified that life it too short to be spent doing something that doesn't feed your soul. I have a week left at my current job. It is getting increasingly difficult for me, as I truly love so many of those I work with. I feel very alone out here in some ways, and they are there for me- every day. I missed them when I was home with the illness. I didn't miss the job - I missed the people. Today, things were really hitting me from the one guy, who we yell out one another's name when we see each other (even if across the plant), to another who always has an energetic "Happy Hump Day" on Wednesdays. If it wasn't for where I work, I wouldn't know "White Five," who became my brother. I feel like I'm abandoning him there, and it breaks my heart. My immediate co-workers are truly fantastic people. Really, the list goes on and on. I will miss a lot of people, but at the same time, I'm excited for this new opportunity at the new company. It felt so comfortable through that long ass interview. It was familiar, as it's so similar to the place I worked for ten years. I'm worried that I leave my current job a much more jaded person than before I started (and less trusting), and it's a real concern that I'll bring that to the new workplace. That isn't me…. I'm overly trusting and naïve, but in my life, I have been rewarded for having an open heart. I hope that all isn't loss - but seeing some of the things I've seen here - worries me. I need to remember all the good. I've received so much support (as being hauled out by an ambulance recently - people just want me happy and healthy), but there has been an equal amount of Oh Shit…what are we going to do. One of my supplier's really had the most complementary things to say, and that goes so far with me.
I was doing really fucking awesome with my diet until this last week. Giving notice was very hard for me, oh, and I bought a "new to me" vehicle. It's nothing special, but it has 200,000 less miles than the one I've been driving. Ha! It's not fancy, but at the same time, it's fancy to me. I had to ask the dealer how to use the remote start (although I can't remember how). I didn't want a car payment, but I was smart about what I bought, and have to just let the money part not be a stress. All of this, and the thought of starting a new job at 46 years old - oh and not being fully recovered…. - has been a lot. The countdown lunches have begun, with every day this week and every day next week are already accounted for. I do best when I don't eat out…oops. An ex-coworker came and took me to lunch today. It really was nice to visit with her. I was absent from so many relationships as I was sick - it's nice to ease back into the friendships that are important to me.
I hope your day has been wonderful and your Friday and weekend are even better. I hope you can give yourself permission to be human - as I have - tonight. I went to get a bottle of wine, and walked past some Suzy- Q's. Yeah, it went down. I need to be better, but I'm so working on not beating myself up. Life is too short. I think about that daily now. Please, make the most of every day here, while making health a priority - without feeling deprived every moment of every day.
I hope you enjoy this song. It certainly resonated with me.