Here's hoping you have today off from work...It felt so good to sleep in a little bit this morning. Actually, the only day I worked this week was yesterday. It was really tough to get up in the middle of the week like that, with everyone sleeping. Brian had twelve days off in a row and the boys have been off on school break. My workplace has kind of a weird holiday schedule in that one of our days is going to be used as a floating holiday over the 4th of July weekend. Grrr.... So weird, but I used a vacation day for Wed and am so glad I did.

The holidays went by so quickly this year. I love everything about Thanksgiving on. I love Christmas music, decorations, getting Christmas cards, shopping on Black Friday, cheesy Christmas movies, etc. It wasn't until a couple weeks before Christmas this year, that I finally started listening to Christmas music and getting in the spirit. Such a bummer, all that wasted time.

I've been writing in my head for a week straight. My head has been all over the place. It's a funny thing...my head is almost like a loose thread sometimes. It takes the tiniest of things, and then I will watch everything pertaining to it, unravel in my head, the way a loose thread will take down a sweater. Yay me. There are too many distractions this morning, though, so I'm not able to get things out. Overall, things are good, though. Mom is here visiting, Caleb turned 13 on Wednesday! He had a slumber party last night, and the boys are still here having a great time.

I had held steady on my weight until Monday morning. I've crammed lots of salads in with choices I wouldn't make, if not for the holidays. I was happy with staying where I was. This has been a really tough week, with Mom here, though. She is such a wonderful cook. Even though I haven't been as bad as I normally would....I weighed myself this morning and I'm up 3 fucking pounds... Mom is here through New Years, so I'm going to have to start making better choices in there. The positive is I've finally had a couple of 10k+ days, after hurting my back this last time. After I'm done writing, I'll make a smoothie, even though I really want one of Mom's homemade cinnamon rolls. 3 pounds is a lot to recover from. I'm disappointed in myself, but I know how it happened. Hopefully you have been making better choices than me.

If you know me, you know my love for George Michael. I would be remiss not to mention his passing. Oh, how I had a crush on that man. I had posters of him all over my room. I replayed his tapes, then CD's over and over. He still makes frequent appearances on my mixed CD's. I was in denial for a long time over his sexuality, refusing to believe even a friend who was his bartender in Hawaii and told me he was gay. Totally refused to believe her. I don't remember this, but Mom told me about telling me that she heard that he was bi-sexual (trying to limit the blow), and I snapped, "He's gay mom. He's gay!" Haha...dramatic much? One of my favorite memories, is just so simple. Amy and I were vacationing in Denver and we were back at the hotel after a long day. I had started a playlist on her laptop and it just played in the background while we chatted. We decided it was time to turn it off and get some sleep. She got up, and A Different Corner began to play. She laid back down and we sang the song all the way through. How can you not love lyrics like, "I don't understand it, for you it's a breeze. Little by little you brought me to my knees....And if all that there is, is this fear of being used. I should go back to being lonely and confused. If I could, I would, I swear...." The power of George :) So, I'll leave you with the song, which is one of my favorites by him, but I love so many.

Enjoy your day off! 

Much Love,

Jen

It's weigh-in Eve. I've gotten much more comfortable with this day, as the weeks have gone on. I have certain rules for this day. I generally don't eat out (which I broke by going out to lunch with two friends), and I almost always have cereal for dinner, and of course...no alcohol. Well, here's to breaking the rules. Cheers!

This week  has been a weird one as far as diet. I've eaten pretty dang good. I've had a couple of moments (we won't talk about the 1 1/2 bottles of red wine I drank on Friday night), and moments with friends where I've had more calories than normal. On the whole though, those were a fraction of my week. I feel good about my eating choices. It feels like it's getting easier, like things are getting more routine. On the downside, the scale hasn't really reacted. I was down half a pound or so this morning. I'm not totally freaking out, though. I just want it to go down. I've been trying to mentally prepare myself for these times. They are going to happen. My body is not always going to react with streamers and balloons of celebration on the scale. I sure fucking wish it would, but it's not. I'm also taking ownership of those choices that could have been better. I mean... 1 1/2 bottles of wine...c'mon. I didn't need that. I loved every minute of it (it was over many hours), but I could've easily stopped at my normal limit of 1/2 bottle. So, the scale will be another reminder that I need to tighten up my game and wait for my body to react.

I really tried to help out the cause by going to the gym on Sat/Sun. I mentioned this in my last post. Sunday morning my lower back was pretty sore, but I hadn't been on a treadmill in quite some time. I chalked it up to walking on a hard surface like the treadmill. I was hoping walking again would help to loosen it up. My plan was to then make an appointment with the trainer at the gym, to see how to start with weights, given my back issues. Sunday I did 3 miles on the treadmill, which isn't a real far distance for me, but I did it all at an incline, mostly 3 and a few mins or so at 5 (which according to chiro is a no-no). I played with the calories burned on it, and incline definitely had more of an impact than speed. Plus, I've always heard the incline is the most important part of that activity. I felt really good about pushing myself the way I did. I felt good at least until Monday morning came around and I could barely get out of bed. Yep, same mother fucking problem. I took it hard....as in had a breakdown to my bff, hard. I just feel like every time I start to make some real progress, my back screws me... I get so tired of hearing, "You need to take it easy." As the bff said, "we don't do easy." She gets it. She gets my frustration, and unfortunately she had to be my sounding board, even when I knew it was irrational. I needed my day. I needed my day to feel sorry for myself, as pathetic as it sounds. I want to push myself...I want to so very badly. It breaks my heart, that I will never again be the athlete I want to be...that my thoughts of running up some of those hills when I hike next summer, are crushed. It just wont' happen. My body won't allow it. It was a day of sadness. A day where I knew I was being pathetic, but I needed that day. The day is behind me, although I'm still pained (physically and mentally). It sucks that I can't shoot for 10k steps for a while again. I have to "take it easy" as much as that fucking sucks. 

All of this leads me today. A day where my back has been up and down. A day that had me running at work and with this raffle I've orgnanized. A day in which, as usual, I've piled my plate too high. A day in which I've let myself get caught up in being overwhelmed by the holidays, work, my weight, my back, the raffle, commitments, etc. A day in which I again got lost in things that don't matter enough to lose myself to. A day in which that all stopped, as soon as I heard that Jeff lost his battle to cancer. This day has been coming. I've prayed for this day to come, as Jeff was ready for God to take him. Still, it stopped me in my tracks. It broke my heart for his family and the bff and her family. Their loss is too great for me to even imagine. It has made me stop, quit feeling sorry for myself, and think of what is really important. So, as I drove home, knowing that Brian had made a pot roast in the crock pot and mashed potatoes and I knew I was going to eat my cereal, I thought of how much I wanted wine....wine to try and even myself out...to enjoy the warmth of the wine....to take the feels of the day and put them away for a moment... I decided to have that dinner and have that wine. Brian knew that I was going to have cereal, but he was so sweet in that he put a potato in the crock pot for me, giving me a choice against mashed potatoes if I had leftovers tomorrow. I found that so incredibly thoughtful. So, I had less food than I would probably normally eat, but I had the roast, potato (from the crock pot) with gravy, and carrots for dinner. I poured that glass of wine. I had a 1 1/2" x 1 1/2" rice krispy treat. (Mom sent a box of sweets including cookies, and my favorite...fudge), but with each choice of everything, I knew what I was doing. It was all my choice. So, if the scale isn't my bff tomorrw, I'm okay with it. I'm not off the rails. I'm a regular person, who just wanted to make her own decisions tonight. And as much as I would love to have that second glass of wine, it's also my decision to stop at one. I'm in control. It's a new feeling and I embrace it.

So, I don't normally write until weigh-in day, but these past couple of days have been bigger to me, than anything the scale reads tomorrow (remind me of that, if by some chance I gain). I just wanted to share with you my thoughts. I know some of you relate to so much of what goes on in my life. I've heard it enough times, and I'm grateful. I also just needed to write. Writing is often times easier for me than talking it out. If you know me, I'm not always the best at being a super vulnerable in person. 

I hope you have a good night. I thank you for keeping Jeff in your prayers during his illness. I once again ask you to pray for Jeff and his family, and for Amy and hers. Thank you.

Love,

Jen

Happy Sunday from the frozen tundra. The weather out here is so miserable. I remember watching the movie "Fargo," and wondering why anyone would live like that. And here we are. It was -1 when Brian was shoveling the driveway this morning. On the plus side, there's nothing hotter than a guy doing that (well, except cleaning or cooking). The biggest downfall of the weather has been for my poor dog. She had finally just gotten into shape and was living for hiking or walks, and then she's stuck inside. She doesn't understand that there's snow and ice everywhere. There is nowhere to walk. Thankfully her bff has come by and spent the day a couple of times this week. Those two go nuts, and they are both able to burn off that energy. I also really miss walking and hiking. My friend and I decided yesterday that maybe we'll try snowshooing (btw- spellcheck on this site isn't working anymore-which is probably obvious).

Yesterday was kinda big, in that I went to the gym. I just used the treadmill, but I felt good about getting past the anxiety of being in a room with fit people, when I'm like I am. I pushed myself more than I thought I would, but I can push more. I'll go again today. It felt great to get my steps in when the weather was nuts. 

This week was also really big, in that I actually got out there and did things with people. You know, like a real person does. I had lunch with a couple of friends I hadn't seen in a while and dinner and drinks with another friend I hadn't spent time with in a bit. Friday night an old coworker came out and had wine with D & I, and that was really fun, too. I'm going to continue to work on getting out of this shell I've put myself in. It certainly has paid off this week.

I've kept keeping on with my food choices. Last weekend Brian and I went out for a holiday dinner with our good friends. I ate more than I normally do, that's for sure. We ordered this multi-course meal, but I was also careful about portions. The meal also came with a bottle of Merlot. I was the only wine drinker at the table...and well, you know, I took care of business. I hadn't drank that much in a while, but we all had a good time. I worked really hard over the next few days to make up for the sins of the weekend. I was happy with a 2 pound weight loss at my weigh-in. It was nice to not have the week be all or nothing, which has historically been my issue. I've got a nice balance going, I think. I was also really nervous about the weigh-in, as I was coming off such a great couple of weeks. I knew I couldn't keep that up forever. I'll take it when it happens, but losing 6 1/2 pounds in two weeks is not really a practical expectation. 

I still feel good about the journey. I get overwhelmed at times and am really hard on myself, but those times are still outweighed by positive thoughts and the positive people around me. My 22 y/o friend at work, makes it a point to say something encouraging to me every day. I think that's just the sweetest thing. My Mom will be coming out here on the 26th. I haven't seen her since April, and the boys haven't seen her in 2 1/2 years or so. I'm really looking forward to seeing her. The part of me that's hard on myself is still there, though. I wish the weight loss was more before seeing her. I wish I still wasn't fat...that she would see a whole different person. That's not going to happen in a week, though, and I try to work through it every day. I know she loves me no matter my weight. The same goes with all of the close people in my life. Still, I have my issues. I'm a work in progress, every minute of every day.

I'm hoping this weekend finds you all well and warm. Hopefully you've gotten your shopping down, and you're able to relax with the ones you love. 

I heard this song when I was on the treadmill yesterday, and I hadn't heard it in forever. It's one of my all-time faves. How can you not love, Is it too much to ask that I want a full house and a rock-'n-'roll band, pens that won't run out of ink, and cool quiet, and time to think? Enjoy and happy Sunday.

Jen
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I love this saying. For me, it rings true whole heartedly. Nothing makes me feel more insignificant than people walking in front of me. I realize I am not all that fast, but if you love me, walk beside me.

It has been a busy day/night. I had to run to the store after work and hustle home to eat a quick dinner before getting Jesse out for a short, half hour walk. Let me tell you something...there's a big difference between thirty degrees and the 25 or so I walked in tonight. I'm still frozen. The wind was the biggest killer. I'm not sure what the wind chill factor was, but holy balls...I've walked several times at 30 now, but this was a whole new ballgame. I'm so glad I did it, though. Jesse has been going nuts inside, and I needed to hit my 10k steps. After that, was Caleb's Christmas band performance. For 7th Grade, those kids really did sound great. I was also able to sit with a co-worker and on the other side of me was a good friend of Cal's, mom. I hadn't seen her in a while and it was nice to chat a little. And now, here I am...a Christmas cookie candle going, the Christmas tree lights plugged in, Hairspray on in the background, and a glass of red wine. I'm going to make the most of this hour I have tonight.

Overall, I'll admit I've been feeling pretty defeated lately. Yesterday, I was really disappointed by some news I'd been expecting, but at the same time I was hoping for the best. It came at a time when my confidence was already quite rattled. It's funny how a couple of things will shift my way of thinking all the way across the board. I'm grateful that I'm aware this is not a permanent feeling, but still it sucks. 

In my the midst of my confidence being destroyed, my friend Asha really did her best to uplift me. I'm grateful for a friend that will do her best in these times, even though she knows I just need to ride it out. Anyway, it was great timing that her gift of a light up Seahawks hat arrived today. It really did make my day. In fact, it's taking all I have not be wearing it while I write this blog. If it weren't for fear of running the little batteries out, I'd be rocking it right now!

Yesterday I had lunch with my coworker that was recently let go. I really miss our lunches. It's funny, I was walking past her cube yesterday and I turned toward it to say something to her. It's still a hard thing to wrap my head around. Well, all of it is. She is still as supportive as ever, and is really taking this opportunity to maintain a kick ass diet herself. I'm proud of her.

I was walking to my desk yesterday, and a co-worker was behind me and she asked where my ass went. Ha. Love it. I don't see it as much as I should, but I'm very aware of my weight loss. And unbelievably, I'm really proud of it... I had my weekly weigh-in today and I was down 3 1/2 pounds. Booya. (That's what I actually said while on the scale). In the two months, I've been weighing in with her, I've now lost 21 pounds. Overall, it's a very quiet fifty or so. I still have a million demons in my head that try to fuck with me, but my inner cheers are louder. After today's weigh-in, I can now ride any fucking zip line in Maui I want to. After the humiliation of the Maui trip and not being to ride any, it became my goal. I went in the opposite direction for a while getting to a weight that scares the shit out of me. I eventually found my way back, and here I am. One goal down. I'm now taking things ten pounds at a time. I'm now 9 pounds away from getting into that next number. I'm trying to focus on that as my goal. If I look at anything more than that, I get depressed and overwhelmed. So...here's to that next 9 pounds. 

I again ask you to pray for Jeff and his family. His fight is coming to its end, and it's heart breaking. I'm sorry he and his family are going through this. I'm sorry the bff and her family are losing one of the most important people in their lives. I'm sorry the world is losing a good man. Please pray for his comfort and for God to provide comfort to his family and friends.

There are so many things that I've been writing in my head, but I should let you go. I've stolen enough of your time. I hope this Hump Day finds you happy and comfortable in your own skin. Cheers!

In honor of fifty....I'll leave you with some Paul Simon. Enjoy.

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