Blog Archives - Diariesofafatass.com

First World Problems

4/22/2015

Last night was a typical night. Ryne had track practice, Cal had swim practice, and Brian and I each came home from a full day of work. The showers and tub get heavy usage from our family. Last night I decided to beat everyone to the hot water and use the jetted tub. I got myself ready while the water ran, and when I stepped in the tub, it was ice cold. Yeah. No hot water. My immediate disappointment from the realization that I wasn't getting to escape the demands of life for 25 minutes or so, were quickly squashed by the realization that we had NO HOT WATER. Fuck. This means we have to deal with our landlord (who is here now...with someone working on it...). This is never fun. I have some deep resentment over all of the issues we've had with this house at our substantial rent price. So, a nice relaxing bath turned into cleaning to get ready for the landlord to pay a visit. You know...there's the pressure to make it look better than they can imagine. Brian has an internal job interview today, and he needed to shave (and of course shower), so he went over to our friends last night to use their shower. Yes, I just rambled on and on about no hot water. It's 9:30 A.M., and I'm going into work late, after this is done. Let me tell you something, I'm way crazy about my vacation time. This is not how I want use any of my hours (yes...although I'm salary...we mark everything down, even though we often work extra...crazy place). Okay, rant over. Fingers crossed this gets fixed today, so I don't have even stinkier boys on my hands!

Yesterday my co-worker/friend Cindy turned the big 5-0. At the end of this week are my good friends H.P. and Jo's birthdays also. I really should start looking at signs. Earlier this month, Amy, Lynn, and my college friend Cori (one of my all time favorite ppl) birthdays were just a couple of days apart. Maybe there is something to this sign stuff. I must be attracted to a certain type of sign. The hubby also turns the big 5-0 on the 30th. I've never given any thought to any of this astrology stuff, but I guess it could be interesting to look into.

So, I have a phone interview with a therapist today. I was hoping my therapy days were behind me, but my weight screams something different. In so many ways, I am stronger mentally, than probably ever. But I'm still falling down in other areas. I guess I've got to figure this out. It's begrudgingly, that I will go down this path again. My weight is going to kill me. Really, it's no exaggeration...it will. I can't imagine being alive this time next year, if I don't get the weight under control. I'm at least 100 pounds overweight. I know how to lose it, but I'm just not doing it. I'm so frustrated with myself. What can't I just do this?! So, please send some good energy my way. I'm hoping I can get a grip on myself.

Happy over the hump day! I hope your day finds you happy and healthy and feeling loved at every moment.

Take Care,

Jen

Baby Bunnies

4/20/2015

Happy Monday! Is there such a thing...joking...but is there? ;) The weekend was crazy busy, just like I like it. Brian ended up having to work Friday night (as well as the rest of the weekend). I'd been invited to a friend's house for fire pit and wine. Of course that sounded awesome, but as I mentioned before, I'm on the wagon. It's funny...it feels like I haven't drank in forever, but really it's the one time since Easter...so it's been less than a week and a half. It feels like a month and a half, but I do feel good about it. I just wish I didn't like drinking so damn much :) I stayed home with the boys and got some cleaning done. The house was a disaster, so I picked a couple of places I'd see immediate results and settled for that. I hung out with my very tired boys. Sports has really been kicking their asses lately. Yay!

Saturday morning Ryne had a track meet out of town. Caleb and I went and watched. The sun was out, but it was super windy. It still felt good to be outside, though, cold and all. Ryne ran the 400 much better at this meet. He even looks like he has form! It was great to see him improve. He really is enjoying it. He also does the long jump. I ran the 4x400 relay in H.S. and also did the jumping events. It's really fun to see my son do the same things. It's also a little hard to take in...knowing that I was once that athletic....and now, I'm...this.... After the meet, we stopped by and looked at a boat. Brian and I are toying with the idea of buying one. I've been wanting one for-ever... We really should wait until next summer, but maybe this boat I came across is some sort of sign. After, Caleb treated Ryne and I to ice cream from McD's with his very own money. What a sweet kid! By the time we got home, it was really nice out. I decided to do some gardening (okay...weeding...). I cranked up the Air Supply and went to work on this gigantic two step flower box in the front yard. Seriously, it could be a huge garden. I was in the zone and out there for quite some time before some baby bunny came squirting out of the garden. The thing was so tiny, he could barely hop. He was all over the place. It was so cute, but I thought, why in the hell is he hanging out in here? Anyway, I continued to work for quite a while before 3 more babies started trying to hop out. I have a picture of one. He tried to get through a tiny hole in the corner of the wood, but of course, couldn't fit. It took him a while to figure out how to get up and out. That's when I saw it....the bunny nest...my heart dropped. I'd pulled everything from around the nest, and there was nothing there to hide/protect them. I felt so bad...hoping they would come back. I worked a little longer before finding one more just lying real still, and then I was out. Shit. I came in to look up online if they can live on their own when their that young. I found that "if they don't get eaten," they return to the nest. The mom supposedly comes back at night to feed them. I don't even kill spiders. I try to catch them and put them outside. Imagine how horrified I am by the prospect that I may have killed these babies. I did cover up the nest with weeds and put cardboard up so the babies could get back up to their nest. There's no way they could hop up there. I've been looking to see if they returned, but I don't see anything. Maybe they are burrowed in there, but I don't dare disrupt the nest area to look. So, my garden is about 2/3 done...but I'll leave it alone for a couple of weeks, just in care.

After cleaning and possibly killing baby bunnies :(... the boys and I headed to our friend Jackie's son's birthday party. It's really nice how close the two of us have become since we moved back. It was just Jackie's bff an her family and Jackie and Eric's parents. I've gotten to know all of them pretty well. I always love when your friend's family begins to feel like your own. It reminds me of the friendships I have with my childhood friends. I so miss that. It was a wonderful party, and Caleb had a blast playing w/ the kids. Ryno missed out, as he went to the movie with his buddies. It's probably for the best, as it wouldn't have been the idea of a fantastic evening to a 13 y/o. I was offered drinks many times at the party, but I declined. Go Jen!

Sunday, I took the boys to breakfast and then forced them to go grocery shopping with me. I got some cleaning done, made some juice, got dinner in the oven and then watched, "The Wild." Holy shit....great movie. Really, truly. I highly recommend it. Last weekend I watched a couple of movies, too. I watched Horrible Bosses 2, which was hilarious and much better than the first. I also saw Foxcatcher, which was a good movie, but very, very intense. I'm not usually a movie person, but I'm on a roll. I plan to keep it up!

Tonight I had dinner with my friend Laura. She was nice enough to come out here, and I'm so glad she did. She is always so wonderful to be around. Today wasn't my favorite day, so it's been nice to end it on a great note.

Hope the day has treated you well. Here's to losing weight....tomorrow....?

Love,

Jen

Dreaming of Winning and Mattress Dancing. That's Right. I said Mattress Dancing.

4/17/2015

The sun is out! The sun is out! Man, what a difference having nice weather makes. Yesterday after work, I sat outside while Jesse went all over the property. It felt so dang good to have the sun on my face. My rosacea won’t like it, but fuck if it isn’t worth it. I plan on doing the same thing tonight. Oh, it’s so relaxing. I’m not going to lie, and tell you that I wish there wasn’t a cold beer in my hand while doing it, but again, I fought the temptation. It’s funny. If I wasn’t “on the wagon,” I’d be drinking once or twice a week probably. If I’m on the wagon, I think about it every day. This weekend is going to be tough I know. My stress level is through the roof today. I spent my lunch on the phone with my editor. If you ever want to feel completely overwhelmed, just write a book. I’m telling ya… So, it has been hard to calm my brain down today.

I truly think I have my head wrapped around the meat thing. I’m back to being disgusted by the thought of it. I forgot how hard it is to eat without it, though. I’m really going to have to take the time this week preparing meals for the upcoming week.

I believe I’ve mentioned before how a coworker and I buy Power Ball or Mega Millions tickets every week. We each spend $5 on a day to dream. Every once in a while another coworker goes in on it with us, too, as was this week. Jim and I are riding a nice Mega Millions losing streak, so we decided to ride it until someone (hopefully us wins). Anyway, I had a dream last night that the three of us won (including Tammy who went in on it with us). I woke up pretty excited, as I normally don’t have dreams that I’ve won the lotto. I meant to mention it to them today, but the day has been busy and I forgot until after lunch. Tammy said something, and I said, “Well, maybe we don’t need to worry about it too long. I did dream that the three of us won the lotto.” (The drawing for our ticket is actually tonight). She says, “Oh my God Jim! Did you hear that?!” (The two of them had gone to lunch, but I couldn’t go because of the editor). At lunch Tammy had told Jim about a dream she had last night, where the three of us won! So, let’s hope the next post is called, “Lottery Winner.” I thought that was so cool that we both had the same dream. I’ve been having fun thinking lately about what I would do if I did win the lottery. The first thing I’d do (of course outside of paying off debt for my family and friends), would be to go to a month long weight loss thing of some sort. But recently my new dream, equally important ;), would be to have the Dixie Chicks play a concert in my backyard. It would be the ultimate BBQ. I don’t usually dream about extravagant things like that, but that would be my big splurge. I can hear them singing Sin Wagon as I type.

Here’s hoping you have a fabulous day, and if that includes winning a lottery, we wouldn’t be sad if there were other winners in the 55 mil drawing. We aren’t greedy.

Much Love,

Jen

He pushed me 'round
Now I'm drawin' the line
He lived his life
Now I'm gonna go live mine
I'm sick of wastin' my time
Well now I've been good for way too long
Found my red dress and I'm gonna throw it on
'Bout to get too far gone

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
Need a little bit more of my twelve ounce nutrition
One more helpin' of what I've been havin'
I'm takin' my turn on the sin wagon

On a mission to make something happen
Feel like Delilah lookin' for Samson
Do a little mattress dancin'
That's right I said mattress dancin'

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
Need a little bit more
Of what I've been missin'
I don't know where I'll be crashin'
But I'm arrivin' on a sin wagon

When it's my turn to march up to old glory
I'm gonna have one hell of a story
That's if he forgives me
Oh, lord please forgive me

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
Need a little bit more of that sweet salvation
They may take me
With my feet draggin'
But I'll fly away on a sin wagon

I'll fly away on a sin wagon

C U Next Tuesday Punching

4/16/2015

So, I’ve made a couple of smoothies this week and made some changes. Why haven’t I lost 100 lbs. yet? Yeah, I really do think like that. I need to stop it. I’ll be happy with 50 lbs in a week ;) Somebody once told me that nothing ever seems to be enough for me. Yeah, she’s right on a lot of levels. One day I’ll get that thinking figured out, but I haven’t yet. There have been baby steps, though. I’m going to baby step my way right into a heart attack, though.

A girlfriend and I were texting last night about the kind of motivation we need from a fitness band. I lost the charger to my Fitbit and ordered a new one, which doesn’t work. So, of course I think this is a sign that I should get the newest/most expensive Fitbit and that will be the key to my weight loss. I kid myself like that. Anyway, we were talking about needing fitness trackers that essentially beat the shit out of you when you eat poorly or don’t exercise. I need Jillian Micheals to pop out of that fucker and scream me down. No, I don’t mean a hologram of Jillian, I need the real thing. If she’s not available, maybe the author of “Skinny Bitch” can jump out and call me a pussy like she does in the book. I think I’m onto something. We did have more “realistic” multi-million dollar ideas, but we’ll keep those until we can get a patent pending J Anyway, my friend told me about how someone she knows wears a rubber band around her wrist and when she has negative thoughts about herself, she snaps it. Call me crazy, but isn’t that a bit of an oxymoron? Punishing yourself for negative thoughts by hurting oneself. Everyone has their own way of doing things, though. For some, having Jillian punch you in the cunt for eating a cupcake might not be the greatest thing in the world. Bring it on Jillian!

I’ve only drank the one time (when my sister was in town) since Easter. I know it’s not that long, but for someone who completely loves drinking wine, it’s kind of a big deal. I often doodle during meetings, and this morning I found myself drawing a wine bottle and glass. Yeah, I don’t miss it…. Haha. Big sigh. I also haven’t had meat since Sunday. I feel really good about it. I certainly haven’t eaten great, but I’ve eaten better. Hopefully this weekend I’ll make the time to really do some juicing/cooking in anticipation of the week ahead. I swear to God, I’m worried about fitting in an airline seat.

I hope this day finds you well and full of happiness. I cheers you (with my fucking water ;)

Much Love,

Jen

Over The Hump Day

4/15/2015

A friend posted this picture of the tornado. I know I’ve been going on about it, but it’s all over the place here and has been on my mind. I did want to share with you the good that came from the disaster. My coworker told me they had seventy volunteers helping with their property on Saturday. People have brought items, trailers, equipment, one young man even went and bought a chainsaw for him, food, comfort, everything. A local church is letting his in-laws stay at their house until their home is rebuilt. Pete was also telling me about how the local sheriff was there to see what he could help them with. Pete said this was overwhelming, as his 4-horse trailer was sitting in the middle of the sheriff’s home, but there he was offering assistance to others. I mean, this man, lost his own home, but he’s worried about everyone else. Pete’s also said that three different people have offered Pete and his wife horses. We hear about all the bad, it’s just so nice to hear about all of the good out there. People have been taking in lost pets, donating goods, time, their homes, anything and everything to help. I just think this is so very wonderful.

My mind cannot stay in one place today. I’m all over the board. It’s a good thing it’s a slower day at work. It gives me extra time to concentrate on every little thing. I have not eaten well, but I’ll take comfort in the fact that there’s still been no meat…and there won’t be….and no regular pop. These are battles I’m happy to win this week. However…I need to be more serious. I’ve gotta take a trip somewhere. I just have to, and I’ve been trying to figure out where I want to go. I’ve got some options with friends, but my weight is ruining all of my thoughts. I don’t want to do anything until I lose the weight, but at the same time I need to live my life… There’s a really awesome sale on an airline that flies out of an airport not too far from my house. I need to put together a really fantastic eating week to help get my head on better as far as the weight goes. I need to see straight.

The book is all consuming, once again. Hopefully I’ll be able to start working on the edits from the editor next week. I’m really going to have to buckle down and focus for a couple of hours every night until I get this done. I’m so excited to see the transformation of my story into something real and tangible. It’s going to be a lot of work, but I’m thirsty to learn. Going along with the book, I’ve been listening to the song Human Touch by Bruce Springsteen every day lately. The song is perfect for this one chapter, but I can’t force it in there. Hopefully I think of something, because the lyrics hit the nail on the head about just wanting to feel something. So, I’ll leave you with the lyrics. I love the way Bruce sings this song and how the emotion comes through.

Hope you all are having a wonderful day,

Jen

You and me we were the pretenders
We let it all slip away
In the end what you don't surrender
Well the world just strips away

Girl ain't no kindness in the face of strangers
Ain't gonna find no miracles here
Well you can wait on your blessings darlin'
But I got a deal for you right here

I ain't lookin' for prayers or pity
I ain't comin' 'round searchin' for a crutch
I just want someone to talk to
And a little of that human touch
Just a little of that human touch

Ain't no mercy on the streets of this town
Ain't no bread from heavenly skies
Ain't nobody drawin' wine from this blood
It's just you and me tonight

Tell me in a world without pity
Do you think what I'm askin's too much ?
I just want something to hold on to
And a little of that human touch
Just a little of that human touch

Oh girl that feeling of safety you prize
Well it comes with a hard hard price
You can't shut off the risk and pain
Without losin' the love that remains
We're all riders on this train

So you been broken and you been hurt
Show me soomebody who ain't
Yeah I know I ain't nobody's bargain
But hell a little touchup
And a little paint...

You might need somethin' to hold on to
When all the answers they don't amount to much
Somebody that you can just talk to
And a little of that human touch

Baby in a world without pity
Do you think what I'm askin's too much ?
I just want to feel you in my arms
And share a little of that human touch...

You + Me

4/14/2015

My coworker that was affected by the tornado returned to work today. Holy cow… He had me in tears this morning. I had to look away when he told me about his horses. I guess this was a Category 4 and spanned half a mile wide. Freaking crazy. We were so lucky. Our town was supposed to be right in the path. We all know that living in the Midwest is not my favorite thing, but by far the storms are the worst part of being out here.

Moving on…

You heard it here…No more meat (except seafood and eggs as before). Yesterday was my first full day. I’m tired of the way it makes me feel. I hate being this weight. I hate what meat is…you know, meat from dead animals… Yeah, I hate it all. But mostly, I hate that I started eating it again after five years without. What kind of hot mess does that?! There’s nothing I like about it (I don’t even love the taste of most meat). It was pure self-sabotage. The move and all of the emotional things that went into it cost me a part of my soul. I don’t feel I’m over exaggerating… I feel like someone who loved themselves more than I do, would have put their foot down and said no to the move. But I didn’t…There’s just so many layers to it, but we are here. I’m going to try and repair the parts of my soul that bled…and hopefully come out better than ever…. Sounds convincing, right? So, NO MORE FUCKING MEAT.

I’ve been thinking about the little things (outside of people) that really make me the happiest. I have to tell you how much I miss good music. Man, when’s the last time you bought a C.D. that you could listen to over and over again? I’m thinking the last one for me was probably Pink. I looked forward to that release forever. I bought it and quickly found out I’d purchased the PG version. Mother fucker! Who the fuck wants that? As soon as I heard it, I fell in love with every song. It’s like Pink looks in you and your friends living rooms, hearts, and souls and puts those feelings to paper. A song will remind me of growing up, another may remind me of partying with my friends, another a friend’s marriage, and another my own marriage. Pure gold. I miss that. I miss playing a C.D. to death (Okay…I do that with mix C.D.’s, but that’s not the same). I’m on a mission to find some bands and singers that make me feel like Pink does, or Sheryl Crow the Globe Sessions did, Adele 21, No Doubt, anything by the Dixie Chicks, and God love her, Sara McLachlan with Surfacing. I’m searching out more happiness and it begins with music. I’ll let you know what I find. And please share if you have any new faves.

Wishing you a wonderful evening,

Jen

With that, here are some fantastic lyrics for you from Pink’s side project, You + Me. I don't love it like her solo albums, but it’s pretty good nonetheless (and definitely worth the money). It speaks of what love should be.

You and me were always with each other
Before we knew the others was ever there
You and me we belong together
Just like a breath needs the air
I told you if you called I would come runnin'
Across the highs the lows and the in between
You and me we've got two minds that think as one
And our hearts march to the same beat
They say everything it happens for a reason
You can be flawed enough but perfect for a person
Someone who will be there for you when you fall apart
Guiding your direction when you're riding through the dark,
Oh that's you and me

You and me we're searching' for the same light
Desperate for a cure to this disease
Well some days are better than others,
But I fear no thing as long as you're with me
They say everything' it happens for a reason
You can be flawed enough but perfect for a person
Someone who will be there for you when you fall apart
Guiding your direction when you're riding through the dark

And they say, everything it happens for a reason
You can be flawed enough but perfect for a person
Someone who will be there for you when you start to fall apart,
Guiding your direction when you're riding through the dark

Oh that's you and me
That's you and me

Oh, hell no....

4/11/2015

I find this picture funny, but honestly I don't think of myself as "bat shit" crazy anymore. It took a long fucking time, and I know I think differently than some, but I am far from crazy.
I believe I left the last post talking about a tornado warning. We did the usual drill and hung out in the basement. My youngest completely freaked out as usual, and we thought it was just another storm we were dodging. This one was different, though. The warning period lifted, the town siren quit, and we came upstairs for just a few minutes before it started all over again. It was eerie. There was no wind for this one and the sky was crazy. Brian and I knew this was some real shit. The tornado did not touch down in our little town, but it did nearby in a few places. Essentially, it took the route of my old drive to the town I used to work in. When we were finally able to emerge upstairs and Directv started working again, we learned of a few places it had hit, including the town I used to work in. My heart went into my throat. Lynn and her glorious basket live there, along with Laura and other friends. I began to get texts checking on us and then checked on friends. We were all okay, with one friend, taking on a little damage, but not bad. Man, what a sense of relief. I then heard the tornado had gone through the tiny town that my friend K lives in...For a while, again, scared, until I learned they had moved, thank God. Anyway, come the light of day, we learned of many people we know and all that occurred. A guy one cubicle over from me, lost some horses in the storm, and his in-laws lost their house. From what I hear, this is the most substantial storm to come through our area. Anyway, it was truly awful....

My youngest sister, Brooke, was in Chicago yesterday. She was just here for one day as her and my cousin left today for a trip to the Domincan Republic. It was so very nice to see her. Oh man...I miss living close to family and friends. That's really been getting to me lately. No joke. Brooker and I were able to spend some good quality time together before we met up with Jouni and after a bit, Jouni's boyfriend met up, too. We were having a really good time, having some drinks and dinner. In the middle of it, BOOM, mofo....the beer hit my wrong. This has happened the past few times I've drank. I just get super, fucking sad when drinking. A couple of good friends have gone through this in this last year and have quit drinking as a result. I felt bad that alcohol would affect them in this way. Almost always, drinking is a total "up" for me. As you know, I love it...But lately, alcohol has not been my friend. Son of a bitch. So, instead of fighting it and drinking more to try and snap out of it (which hasn't worked for me), I just went back to Jouni's place and let them go to the next place without me. They were already a couple of Jaeger bombs in, so asking I insisted they go out and continue to have fun.

Layoffs

4/9/2015

This totally cracked me up. In general, I'm not a needy person...but there's also that part of me, that surprises me with how needy I feel at times. Make sense?

Oh, the weight. Holy fucking shit...the weight. I've always had my issues with weight. I think we know that, but this is a whole new level. I've never, ever felt this out of control with my weight demons. I'm at the heaviest of my life. Yes, I'm heavier than the tremendous weight gain that came with my son's Autism diagnosis. That, I can look back on, and appreciate why it happened. But these fucking moves. Really? I've outeaten the worst and most stressful time of my life? That truly makes me feel like a Grade A loser. I feel completely defeated. I've even been thinking about surgery. How fucked up is that? I so don't even believe in it....The complications that come with it are so horrific, but that's how desperate I feel right now. A work friend and I were talking about weight issues the other day. I told her how when I walk up the stairs to our morning production meeting, that I imagine everyone up there, playing "guess the fatty" by the heavy footsteps. And then when I get up there, I imagine them thinking, nailed it. I could go on and on about how I think nobody can love and respect me at this weight. Oh man. I'm so in my head. God dammit I need out of it. I soooo do. Anyway, my work friend looked at me and was like... Dude you've got some issues. Yes, this work friend had weight loss surgery....and sees somebody with worse issues than what drove them to surgery. Scary shit.

New topic. One of the things that drew me to my new job was the incredible growth they had last year and the stability they've always enjoyed. Fast forward four months to the aftermath of the falling oil prices, which affects one of our lines (pretty much has decimated it), and there you have...the biggest layoff in company history. We had a company meeting on Tuesday where they announced they were going to have to cut the work force, and that resulted in over 10% of the company being laid off. It's a pretty good size cut for our little company. We are told there may be more. This is a scary situation for someone who has only been there 4 months. A guy that was hired the day after me, lost his job. I'm thankful that they recognize the job I'm doing and have kept me on, but if things keep up the way they are, who the hell knows. If the money isn't there, it isn't there. So, I'll keep doing what I do and continue to take pride in putting forth a good effort and let the chips fall where they may. It's always hard to see people lose their jobs, though. One gal had just put an offer on a house and had to rescind. Yesterday the weld supervisor had some very nice words for me and today so did the Production Manager, which makes me feel good. I'll take that. Although this isn't what I want to do forever (I feel like I'm on this life long hamster wheel), I need a paycheck. True story.

Well, I better go make dinner and try to keep Cal calm from the tornado warnings that are in effect for another 5 hours. It's that time again, I guess. God Love the Midwest.

Wishing you a wonderful night.

~Jen

Editor. Hired.

4/7/2015

Well, it’s lunch time, and I’m mind is everywhere but work or what I want for lunch, or anywhere it should be in the middle of a work day. My mind is on the book… I finally bit the bullet and hired an editor last night. Yep. I put on my big girl panties and just finally did it. The process of finding an editor has been truly overwhelming. I wish there was somebody who could make all of my big decisions for me. I never trust myself enough. I settled on the editor who seemed most genuinely interested in the story and seeing the book through to fruition. I had three editors do sample edits on the prologue. This editor asked for a few additional pages. I was pretty embarrassed to give them to her, because, honestly I think the beginning is a bit of a train wreck. I wasn’t sure how to tie things together, and I think it came across pretty sloppy. Each editor had really useful notes, and they were all fairly close in their suggestions. This editor did a bit more editing and in the phone interview, was really forthcoming with information. I felt comfortable with her. So…yeah. My ego is going to take a million blows, but I look forward to working with her and how she can help me shape this thing into a real live book. I know I’ll have steps to go after this one, but this one is definitely the biggest.

I noticed on Facebook that tomorrow is my first boyfriend’s birthday. I think we started dating the summer between 5th & 6th grade. He was my first kiss. They were innocent kisses, but we did it like 100 times a day. And you know what, I still wish I could kiss 100 times a day J We “dated” until he moved during our sixth grade year. It was sweet, though. He would write me letters. I remember catching my mom reading one over the phone to someone and how pissed I was. Stuart was such a nice guy. He did move back to our town for a short time in high school, but by then, our lives were totally different. I was all about sports and longing after upperclassmen who played sports, and he was a bit of a book worm, if I remember right. So, nothing ever came of that, but it is nice to see him on Facebook. He’s a cute guy, who is now big into mountain biking and being outdoorsy. I love that. Isn’t it funny how we never fully let go of those first crushes/boyfriends? I’m sure he’s flawed just like we all are, but when I see his picture, I think of the boy who used to love to kiss me. To me, he’ll always be that perfect moment in time. It’s so crazy to me that Caleb is nearly the age that Stuart and I were when we started being “boyfriend and girlfriend.” OMG. That’s way crazy to me. And let’s just say, I can’t ever think of the things I was doing when I was Ryne’s age (going on 14). Yeah, no… My son will be better than me J He’s shy and innocent, and I hope he stays that way for as long as possible. But on the other hand, I do remember me at 14, and I check his phone. LOL. He knows the deal.

Well, “lunch” is coming to a close. I should get going.

I hope this day finds you with all the happiness you could ever want,

Jen

What a difference a day makes

4/6/2015

This fucking period....Killing me! The hormone part is just a son of a bitch! Gawd! Okay...I have to say...I just published this thing and everything disappeared but the first sentence. This fucking site sucks...

Anyway, Easter got pretty hard without my boys. Oh, how I miss them. So, I've been counting down to them coming home tomorrow morning. I've been changing their bedding tonight and getting everything ready for them.... I called Brian tonight to see what time their flight left, and wouldn't you know it...I had the fucking day wrong. They don't get home until Wed. Broken. Hearted. Truly. This makes me so very sad... Poor Cal had a meltdown on the phone. He's ready to come home. Brian said he had a really hard day. They are going to the Diamondbacks opening game tonight, so I told Cal he needed to go and have fun. Not many people are lucky enough to see Opening Day! Hopefully they have lots of festivities going on for the game. I imagine he's a bit baseball'd out, as they went to three Spring Training games already. There should be fireworks and stuff at least tonight, though.

Driving home tonight I heard, "The Rose" by Bette Midler. Holy shitfire...water works. What a great fucking song. There aren't many better than the Devine Miss M! Truly, what a beautiful song.

I'll leave you with the lyrics to "The Rose," and hope that you are finding yourself feeling as loved as if you are the Rose.

Much Love,

Jen

Some say love, it is a river that drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger an endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower and you, it's only seedIt's the heart, afraid of breaking that never learns to dance
It's the dream, afraid of waking that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give
And the soul, afraid of dying that never learns to liveWhen the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long
And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter far beneath the winter snow
Lies the seed that with the sun's love, in the spring becomes the rose