Today is one of those days where there just literally isn't enough time in the day to get it all done.  I worked my ass off at work (literally, doing inventory), but didn't get everything done that I needed.  I'll be even further behind tomorrow.  I hate that feeling.  I've wanted to work late the past two nights, but Brian has had to, so I've had to get home to the boys.  Today was a real rush, as Cal's swim practice got moved up to 4:30, instead of 7, so I was driving like a crazy lady (as usual) to get home and get him to practice.  Man alive, he sure loves it.  I'm so excited.  Oh, and speaking of Caleb, a little girl whispered to him that she has a crush on him last week.  Apparently yesterday she told him he loved her.  Caleb says he still has to make up his mind, though.  He doesn't know if he wants to be her boyfriend.  This is the same kid that last year told me had 5 girlfriends at one time.  But this is a real "first."  Too cute.  I love it!

Ryno has been sick this week.  He even missed a couple of school days and football practice all week.  Thankfully they don't have a game this weekend.  Next weekend they play for 3rd place, though.  The boys are all pretty excited.  So cool to see.  They worked really hard and earned it.

My eating has still been really good.  It's only been 4 days, and I already feel a difference (also 2 weeks off of pop).  I know how good it makes me feel.  I need to keep it up.  When I eat like shit, I feel like shit.  It's that simple.  It sucks that I find comfort in food, and it makes me fat, unhealthy, and makes me literally feel sick.  Why would I find/seek comfort in something like that.  Stupid.

No time to get a walk in tonight, but I'm okay with that.  I worked really hard climbing ladders, moving stuff, etc. at work today.  I know I was able to burn some calories.  I feel good, guys.  I really do.  I can't wait for this all to continue.  I want that feeling of being healthy every day.  I want to feel proud of the way I treat my body.  I don't want to beat myself up over the fact that poor Brian married someone that turned into a fat slob, anymore.  I do know that he's proud of me, and I love him for it.  But I want to believe all of the awesome things he says to me about being pretty, etc.  Lots of work to get there, and that's probably too tall of order for me, but I'm working on it.

Oh, and my wish for tonight is that I'll actually be able to turn my mind off and get some desp

Have a great night.

Jen

6:30  Smoothie (water, flax seed, spinach, banana, frozen blueberries)
8:00  Hot green tea
9:30  Large bowl of grapes, strawberries and raspberries
1:00  Huge bowl of kale w/ half a yellow pepper and lite honey mustard dressing (the kale was awfully tough, but I made myself eat it), and a steamed bag of veggies w/ potatoes
4:15  Pear
6:30  "Accidental goulash" see recipe and steamed broccoli

My Cousin Jouni came to our housewarming party this weekend.  I’ve seen Jouni for very brief moments a couple of times over the past year.  She used to live in Vegas, and we’d always try to at least see each other, if even for a short time.  I was also able to have breakfast with my cousins, Trevis and Carly on one of the trips as well.  In the past, 15 months, these are the only relatives I’ve seen.  So, I was especially grateful that
Jouni drove the 2 hours each way to hang out with us this weekend (she recently moved to Chicago). Seeing Jouni really made me realize just how much I miss everyone.  I don’t know that I’ve ever talked a lot about my family on here, so I thought I’d make today about our crazy ass Alaska family.

My Grandma Mona had 11 kids, and she lived in this tiny house in Wrangell, AK.  My mom was about in the middle of the bunch, age wise.  Anyway, my Grandma was the coolest.  I spent more time at her house when I was younger than I did at my own home. We’d watch t.v., listen to her 8 track tapes, I’d hear the endless tales about my Grandfather (who died when my mom was young), we’d play Go-Fish, and of course all of this would be going on as I’d hear the same story day after day, how Grandpa, Dr. Bangman, and Father (ugh, can’t believe I’m forgetting his name, the Episcopalian minister), would drink that 90 proof whiskey and how Grandma only drank 2% Schlitz. LMAO.  She was convinced that stuff was only 2% alcohol.  And as Jouni reminded me this weekend that was the first thing I ever drank.  We smuggled warm beer
upstairs and all drank some.  I puked in a sleeping bag, and shoved it in the back of this endless closet. God knows it was probably still there, when they tore that house down.  Anyway, I have so much love for my Grandma. 
Unfortunately, she got Alzheimer’s at an early age.  She probably started to slowly lose it in her 50’s I’m guessing. When I was in college, I used to pray
for God to take her.  It was so horrible seeing her so scared. 
I’ll never forget that look in her eyes.  Anyway, she passed away when I was a
sophomore in college.  I flew home, as did so many.  Us grandkids (and there are a billion of us) really, truly loved her.

I have 3 sisters.  Dawn is closest in age to me (17 mos).  Growing up Dawn and I never saw eye to eye (at least after we were little, little kids).  We are as different as it gets.  We started to get closer when I was in college and she even lived with me for a short time, then.  We esp grew close after she had my niece Jaynee.  Jaynee Girl….  Brian and I sure loved, and still love her, so very much.  We’re so proud of her.  My sister Dawn has the biggest heart you’ve ever seen. 
She really does.  Nealy is next and she’s always so full of spunk and energy. 
For a while, she was the youngest out of all the grandkids.  You’ve never seen a kid so spoiled in your life.  It didn’t hurt that she was the cutest kid ever (and so is her daughter Charlie Jo). Nealy is so responsible and makes me proud in so many ways.  My youngest sister Brooke, in a word, is just awesome.  She’s funny, knows what she believes in, is open to trying new things (even eating a vegan diet!), and she’s a great Mom.  Brooke’s the type of girl everyone wants to be friends with.

As I mentioned earlier, I have a ton of cousins. Growing up we were all super tight. In many ways, we still are.  We don’t talk as often as we’d all like, but we have this bond that’s unbreakable.  My cousin Holley is not only blood relation, but she’s always been one of my best friends.  She was even one of my bridesmaids.  Some of the best conversations of my life have been with Holley.  Holley’s sister Melinda is kind of like the matriarch of this family (at a young age :) She’s always making sure everyone’s taken care of.  It’s kind of funny how she took on that roll.  She is one of the oldest out of us, but growing up I would’ve never thought she’d be the one we’d all go to (she terrorized us as kids, lol).  If I spoke about all my cousins, I’d have a whole book.  There’s so darn many of us.  We’re a family.  Don’t get me wrong, we’re bat shit crazy, but we are a great family.  We even have friends that have been adopted into our family. My friend Misty has been to many a family function, wedding, etc.  Misty is considered part of the family by everyone.  Same with Brooke’s bff, Kim.  She’s one of us, too.  There are a few.  I think my poor friend Tammi is becoming part of us, too.  She’s probably kicking and screaming against it, but she’s my sister…. She’s in this family now, and she’ll fit right in with us.  My cousins always laugh how there are ppl that willingly joined this family.  We don’t get it.  Haha.

I mentioned a dream I had a couple of weeks ago, about how I couldn’t get to my cousin Jesse’s wedding.  This is why.  I love him so much.  I love all of my aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. so much.  It breaks my heart that I won’t get to see them in a week and a half. But anyway, family is totally on my mind, so I hope you don’t mind me rambling about them.  I’m proud of this family.  I’m proud of all of us.  I’m proud that we all know how to love and in our own ways, we even know how to show it. Oh yeah, the picture at the top of this page….it’s of a mint that my cousin Jouni gave me this weekend.  I reached in my pocket and found it this morning. That in a nut shell, is why I love Jouni, and why I love this family.  We aren’t afraid to have fun.  Not many from my family read this thing, but I’m glad to know that Holley will see it and know how much I
love her (even though I know she knows).  And if anyone else does, I hope this entry makes them think of huge family dinners, picnics, and the first time they brought their significant others to meet the family.  Brian first met me family at a picnic on Elephant’s Nose (family goes all out for the new ppl, haha).  It was a great picnic, and quickly a bottle of something, maybe Schnapps was opened. Someone went to hand someone the cap along with the bottle, and my Uncle Mark (who also kept calling Brian, Greg) tossed it, and said we don’t need caps in this family.  Everyone laughed while I died inside.  But you know
what, Brian laughed too, and he, as crazy as he knows we all are (esp me), is
glad to be part of this family, too.

Food:
6:30  Smoothie (water, flax seed, spinach, banana, frozen blueberries and
strawberries)
8:00  Glass of hot green tea
9:30  Fresh fruit (strawberries, bananas, grapes)
12:00  Footlong veggie sandwich on wheat from Subway (avocado, heavy spinach, tomato, heavy black olives, cucumber, small amt of honey mustard dressing)
3:30  Pear
4:00  Iced tea (unsweetened)
8:00  Small baked potato w/ a little bit of Smart Balance, Herb salad w/ lite honey mustard dressing

Exercise:
45 min walk

Lyrics to We Are Family :

We are family
I got all my sisters with
me
We are family
Get up everybody and sing

We are family
I got
all my sisters with me
We are family
Get up everybody and
sing

Everyone can see we're together
As we walk on by
And we fly
just like birds of a feather
I'm not telling no lie

All of the people
around us to say
Can we be that close
Just let me state for the
record
We're giving love in a family dose, yeah

CHORUS
We are
family
I got all my sisters with me
We are family
Get up everybody and
sing

We are family
I got all my sisters with me
We are
family
Get up everybody and sing

Living life is fun and we've just
begun
To get our share of the world's delights
High hopes we have for the
future
And our goal's in sight
No we don't get depressed
Here's what we
call our golden rule
Have faith in you and the things you do
You won't go
wrong, oh no
This is our family Jewel, yeah

CHORUS
We are
family
I got all my sisters with me
We are family
Get up everybody and
sing

We are family
I got all my sisters with me
We are
family
Get up everybody and sing

We are family
I got all my sisters
with me
We are family
Get up everybody and sing

We are family
I
got all my sisters with me
We are family
Get up everybody and sing
We are family
I got all my sisters with me
We are
family
Get up everybody and sing

We are family
I got all my sisters
with me
We are family
Get up everybody and sing

Everyone can see
we're together
As we walk on by
And we fly just like birds of a
feather
I'm not telling no lie

All of the people around us to
say
Can we be that close
Just let me state for the record
We're giving love in a family dose, yeah

CHORUS
We are family
I got all my
sisters with me
We are family
Get up everybody and sing

We are
family
I got all my sisters with me
We are family
Get up everybody and
sing

Living life is fun and we've just begun
To get our share of the
world's delights
High hopes we have for the future
And our goal's in
sight
No we don't get depressed
Here's what we call our golden
rule
Have faith in you and the things you do
You won't go wrong, oh
no
This is our family Jewel, yeah

CHORUS
We are family
I got all
my sisters with me
We are family
Get up everybody and sing

We are
family
I got all my sisters with me
We are family
Get up everybody and
sing

We are family
I got all my sisters with me
We are
family
Get up everybody and sing

We are family
I got all my sisters
with me
We are family
Get up everybody and sing

Today has been good and bad.  I'm not good with stress (if you've ever read this blog, you know this all too well), so that was the bad.  But the good, is that once again, I'm choosing to think about the good.  Something in particular really threw me for a loop today, and all I wanted to do was bury my face in a chocolate cake.  Yes, for real.  It would be like bobbing for apples, only I'd be eating that cake out (uh, that came out wrong....at least I didn't say pie).  But believe it or not, I kept myself preoccupied for a while until the feeling passed.  Now, I'm not saying if there wasn't a huge 'ol slice of Costco double choc cake in front of me right now, I wouldn't be tempted to eat it.  I'm just saying that I won the battle for today.  I feel good about this.  The only way I"m going to win this war on weight, is by winning each battle at a time.  Today was a really good eating day.  My mind still tries to mind fuck me at every other turn, but I feel great about how the day turned out.  Hell, yesterday one of my fave ppl invited me to that kick ass Chinese buffet for lunch, but I said no.  I'll keep plugging away at it.

So, I've made a couple of silly observations about myself lately.  I have about 50 wash cloths, no joke.  It's funny, but we've gotten them as part of X-Mas gifts so many times I can't even count.  Most of them are just regular 'ol washcloths.  They're fairly thin and not the softest things on the planet.  Now, I do have a handful of totally awesome washcloths.  I rarely use them.  It's like I'm saving them for a rainy day or something.  Really, WTF?  I don't allow myself to use the "good" washcloths.  Well, I decided fuck that.  For the most part, the good wash cloths are now where it's at.  And what's more, I may even buy myself so more, so I never have to think about it.  Why do we deny ourselves such simple luxuries?  I recently got a really nice new pair of Gucci sunglasses (I have a connection, so they were cost, but still quite pricey).  I never wear them.  Once again, I decided fuck that.  It will suck if they get scratched or something, but geez I may enjoy those bad boys.  One other thing, I used to always turn on VH1 in the morning when I got ready for work.  I have no idea why I stopped.  I hadn't seen videos in forever.  Well, last week I took up the habit again.  I swear, it's those totally little things that make the difference in a day.  Now, I don't know if you're as much of a tight ass as I am about things (or as particular), but this 40 y/o is making some changes.  It's time to enjoy every little thing.  Even tonight after dinner, when I was still hungry and really wanted to eat some of my nut freeze (insert joke here), I decided to save it for another day.  It's not horrible, but it's not something I can allow myself to eat too often.  So, I had a pear.  I hadn't had a pear in months.  It was so fucking good.  I enjoyed the hell out of that thing.  I guess what I'm saying is, life's short.  Do the little things that make you feel good.  Do the things that make you feel like you've treated your body the way you should.  Because I'll tell you what, today was a day that could've ruined my week, but instead I'm thinking about all the little things that made me happy.  And coincidentally, I'm thinking of taking a bath, and placing one of those nice washcloths over my eyes and just taking it in.  Here's hoping you find your own "washcloth."

Now, I had a million songs go through my head today, but who wants to be serious?  Instead, I'm really hoping someone can explain this Flo Rida song, "Whistle" to me.  What's it about?  A Whistle?  How silly?   PPl will sing about anything.
~Jen

6:50  Smoothie  (water, flaxseed, banana, spinach, frozen blueberries)
9:30  Big bowl of fresh strawberries and grapes
12:00  Small bowl of Tomao Bisque (see recipe) and a romaine salad w/ 1/2 a yellow pepper and some raspberries, along w/ some lite honey mustard, Unsweetened iced tea
4:45  Small baked potato, w/ homemade salsa, some steamed broccoli, and 1/2 a steamed yellow zuchinni
5:30  Pear

Exercise: 45 mins walking

"Whistle"
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Let me know
Girl I'm gonna show
you how to do it
And we start real slow
You just put your lips
together
And you come real close
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle
baby
Here we go

(Look) I'm betting you like people
And I'm betting
you love creep mode
And I'm betting you like girls that give love to
girls
And stroke your little ego
I bet you I'm guilty your honor
That's
just how we live in my genre
Who in the hell done paved the road
wider?
There's only one flo, and one rida
I'm a damn shame
Order more
champagne, pull a damn hamstring
Tryna put it on ya
Bet your lips spin
back around corner
Slow it down baby take a little longer

Can you blow
my whistle baby, whistle baby
Let me know
Girl I'm gonna show you how to
do it
And we start real slow
You just put your lips together
And you
come real close
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Here we
go

Whistle baby, whistle baby,
Whistle baby, whistle
baby
Whi-whistle baby, whistle baby
Whistle baby, whistle
baby
Whi-whistle baby, whistle baby

It's like everywhere I go
My
whistle ready to blow
Shawty don't leave a note
She can get any by the
low
Permission not approved
It's okay, it's under control
Show me
soprano, 'cause girl you can handle
Baby we start snagging, you come up in
part clothes
Girl I'm losing wing, my Bugatti the same road
Show me your
perfect pitch, you got it my banjo
Talented with your lips, like you blew out
a candle
So amusing, now you can make a whistle with the music
Hope you
ain't got no issue, you can do it
Give me the perfect pitch, ya never lose
it

Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Let me know
Girl I'm
gonna show you how to do it
And we start real slow
You just put your lips
together
And you come real close
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle
baby
Here we go

Whistle baby, whistle baby,
Whi-whistle baby,
whistle baby
Whistle baby, whistle baby,
Whi-whistle baby, whistle
baby

Go girl you can twerk it
Let me see you whistle while you work
it
I'mma lay it back, don't stop it
'Cause I love it how you drop it, drop
it, drop it on me
Now, shawty let that whistle blow-oh, oh oh
Yeah, baby
let that whistle blow-oh oh!

Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle
baby
Let me know
Girl I'm gonna show you how to do it
And we start real
slow
You just put your lips together
And you come real close
Can you
blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Here we go

Whistle baby, whistle
baby,
Whi-whistle baby, whistle baby,
Whistle baby, whistle
baby,
Whistle baby, whistle baby

It was a great day of eating today.  I feel so focussed...

8:30  Smoothie (water, spinach, flax seed, banana, frozen strawberries and blueberries)
11:30  Bowl of homemade tomato bisque soup (see recipe)
2:00  1/2 canaloupe
6:00  Small baked potato w/ homemade salsa and an herb mix salad w/ lite honey must dressing
8:00  Bowl of grapes

Exercise:
37 min walk

So, I've been completely obsessed with the new Pink c.d.  This song hits home in many way (outside of my marriage w/ Brian).  For me, it's just about taking chances and taking control....  This whole c.d. is amazing.

Ever wonder about what he's doing
How it all turned to
lies
Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why

Where there
is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's
bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna
die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try
try
You gotta get up and try try try

Eh, eh, eh

Funny how the
heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in
love so easy
Even when it's not right

Where there is desire
There
is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get
burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've
gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up
and try try try

Ever worried that it might be ruined
And does it make
you wanna cry?
When you're out there doing what you're doing
Are you just
getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by by by

Where there is
desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound
to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna
die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try
try
You gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
Gotta
get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and
try try try

You gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try
try

I woke up this morning to one of the worst nightmares I’ve ever had.  The
worst feeling I have sometimes is that of being alone.  It’s so silly that I ever feel that way.  I’m far, far from alone, and I know that.  My husband and I have had the best year of our relationship, twenty years in, I’ve got my kids, and I have friends that would do absolutely anything for me.  But lately, that feeling of being alone is seeping through: seeping through to even my unconscious state.  It was a terrible nightmare, and in it, for whatever reason I couldn’t get to Brian, and my Mom was out at work, so I couldn’t get to her.  In the end, I stood there, alone, in a hospital room, wanting anyone to talk to, as the Dr.’s walked around like I wasn’t there.  What a yucky feeling.

One of Brian’s co-workers turned 21 yesterday.  After work the guys had all planned to take him out it was going to be a late night, so Brian was going to stay with one of his co-workers that live much closer to their work.  They all had to come in at the same time today.  If Brian or I have plans with our friends, we are really great about giving each other that freedom without nagging and texting the other one.  But I was a little bothered that I really wasn’t hearing from him at all last night.  But overall, it was a great night with the boys.  After Cal and I dropped Ryne off at football practice, I surprised Cal by taking him for ice cream.  Yes, I took him out, BEFORE dinner.  Caleb
(who is always so serious) looks at me, and said, this isn’t like you AT ALL. LOL.  I thought it was a fun surprise.  After Ryne was done, we took him to grab a quick cone, too.  Yes, BEFORE his dinner, too.  But poor Ryne, who is just like me, never satisfied, of course had to have a hint of disappointment, because he really wanted a hot fudge sundae.  Ah, that kid. There was tons of homework for both of them last night, so we were pretty busy!  Anyway, I was looking forward to watching some football last night (and calling Melinda back, b/c she’d called while I was driving), and had even decided I’d pop a couple
tops.  As soon as the boys got in bed, and I opened my beer, just like magic, the phone rang. It was H.P.  I’ve mentioned it before, but damn I love talking to her. I swear I could tell her I’d just gotten out of a gang bang (that’s the phrase right?), and she’d say: “let me think about that for a minute.”  And then
would come encouraging words about how it was great that I was doing something adventurous or something along those lines.  I love that about her. 
It was a great talk about nothing of importance, which is always the best, and a much longer conversation than I realized once I looked at the clock and turned the t.v. on.  It was just going into the 4thqtr.  I tried to call Mel back, but she’s an hour ahead of me, and must’ve already gone to bed.  A couple of friends then started texting, so I did that ‘til I got tired enough to sleep. It was really
weird, though. Brian falls asleep on the couch all the time and then comes up to bed.  But I hated that he wasn’t there last night.  I still slept in my spot, but I really missed him.  I hated not talking to him before I went to sleep. But it was nice to wake up to a text from him, that he sent after I’d already fallen asleep.

This hasn’t been my favorite week, but I’ve done a ton of reflection: reflection on just about everything that’s of importance in my life.  Reflection isn’t always
easy for me, because I feel that I disappoint myself at nearly every turn.  But this week, after all of the extra thoughts, I feel good about myself.  I feel good about the person I am.  I’ve also really stopped and taken time to smell the roses, if you will.  The other day, I put my hair back in a ponytail.  I was wearing a tee shirt and zip of sweatshirt, because I anticipated doing some work in the warehouse that day.  Cal looked at me, and said, you look beautiful Mama.  Now, mind you, I’d already checked myself out in the mirror, and lamented that I looked like a butch prison guard.  But throughout the day, I held onto those words from Cal. In his eyes, I was beautiful.  I love that.  Also, a friend emailed me yesterday, and said something to me that was so very wonderful, and powerful.  I’m in awe of her, so when she tells me what I mean to her life, it’s really surprising to me.  Those words made me tear up with
happiness (you know who you are, bday week Lady :)  So, this week hasn’t gone as planned, but I am so very thankful for all that I have. I truly mean it.

Oh, and I almost forgot. We are having a housewarming party tomorrow.  It may not be our house, but it’s a great excuse to have everyone over that helped us move and a few more.  Believe it or not, I’m even breaking into my stock pile of Alaskan Smoked Salmon. That shit is like gold to me.  My most valued possession :)  But I plan on using most, if not all of it.  There will be smoked salmon dip, and macaroni salad with smoked salmon. Tomorrow Ryne has a
football game, and then we’ll have ppl over in the evening.  It promises to be a wonderful week.  Oh geez, where is my memory….also, Ryne asked me last night if he can go to the school dance tonight!  His first dance!  I’m going
to buy him a new outfit today.  I’m so excited.  Cal’s jealous, though.  You know he considers himself a ladies man, and they don’t have dances in the elementary school.  Haha.

Have a great weekend everyone,
Jen

Here are the lyrics to Guardian.  Alanis is simply amazing…  Love her. I wish I had a
Guardian J


You, you who has smiled when you’re in pain
You who has soldiered
through the profane
They were distracted and shut down

So why, why
would you talk to me at all
Such words were dishonorable and in vain
Their
promise as solid as a fog

And where was your watchman then

I’ll be
your keeper for life as your guardian
I’ll be your warrior of care your first
warden
I’ll be your angel on call, I’ll be on demand
The greatest honor of
all, as your guardian

You, you in the chaos feigning sane
You who has
pushed beyond what’s humane
Them as the ghostly tumbleweed

And where
was your watchman then

I’ll be your keeper for life as your guardian

I’ll be your warrior of care your first warden
I’ll be your angel on call,
I’ll be on demand
The greatest honor of all, as your guardian

Now no
more smiling mid crestfall
No more managing unmanageables
No more holding
still in the hailstorm

Now enter your watchwoman

I’ll be your
keeper for life as your guardian
I’ll be your warrior of care your first
warden
I’ll be your angel on call, I’ll be on demand
The greatest honor of
all, as your guardian

My peppermint tea bag wrapper reads: “Unwind the String.  Unwind Your Stress.”  Now, given that this is from Lipton and not Tampax, I’m guessing they’re implying that this tea will take all of my stress away.  Let’s hope.  Lol  Actually, I do love a nice hot cup of tea.  This is my second of the morning.  It’s non-caffeinated, so I don’t see any drawbacks to it.  I may have some green tea, though later.  I’ve been off soda/caffeine (except the occasional green tea) since
Thursday now.  It feels good to have one thing under control right now.  One thing at a time, right?  It feels like things have been coming at me a little faster than I can handle lately.  I know the hormones interpret things as more than they are, so I’m sitting back today (going on 2nd full day of period), and I can see things more clearly. I guess this dream I had last week or so, kind of sums up how I’ve been feeling lately.  To set it up, my cousin Jesse is getting married in early October outside of Sacramento.  I would so love for us to be there, but
it’s just not in the financial cards. Travelling cross country with 4 is just too spendy.  I have a lot of guilt for not being able to go, not to mention that I love Jesse to death and would love to be there for his big day, in addition to seeing so many family members.  Anyway, the dream went as such: I was preparing to drive to Bellingham from outside of Camas (where I used to work).  In the dream, it was a 15 hour drive to Bellingham to catch the ferry that was going to take me to Alaska, which was where the wedding was to take place. I was all ready to go, but my current boss was there and I was complaining about my recent hair color (which really does have too much blonde for my liking), and she said she could fix it in 15 mins.  I was panicked as I waited with that foil on my head for an hour and a half to have her pull it off, and find myself completely blonde.  I was crushed.  I finally got in the car and started driving. 
My GPS told me I’d be there in 15 hours and 45 mins.  Now, I knew that I could make up some time via speeding. But as I left, there was some sort of benefit bike ride (I believe for cancer, since there was a lot of pink) and the riders were all on this bridge.  I was forced to go slowly behind them.  Then one crashed, so
I got out and helped her.  Someone else helped me get her into my car and we had to drive the opposite way of Bellingham for me to get her to the Dr.  She wasn’t hurt badly.  I finally turned back to go toward Bellingham, but now my GPS was telling me it would take me 17 hours to get there and I only had 12 hours before the ferry left.  I started speeding down the highway.  It felt good, but I felt so rushed.  The next thing I know, Brian is in the car with me.  He
needed me to stop so he could get a Diet Coke.  We stopped and of course, it took forever.  Now, I was back in the car speeding, only I was by myself again. 
I looked at my GPS and I knew there was no way I could possibly make it, but I was going to try.  I was frantically driving and very fast.  I felt like I had no control, no control over the car at all, but I kept going faster and faster and faster and faster….  That’s when I woke up.  I woke up thinking Holy Shit!  That was real and scary.  So, I’m working on this feeling, this feeling of having no control over anything.  I’ve got to learn that I can’t control everything. For fucks sakes, it seems like this moment in time, the only thing I do have control over is the fact that I’m not drinking soda.  So, today I’ll celebrate that little accomplishment.  I’ve also had a smoothie this morning, and am making an effort at taking control over this disgusting body of mine.

Well, as always, the mammogram was a total blast yesterday.  Because of some of the way my tissue is, I also get an extra couple of squishes each time.  But of course, it’s nothing in the big picture, and I really don’t mind getting them that much.  It’s the watching of the clock that’s getting me this morning (see no control  :)  If they see a reason to have me back in before next year, I’ll be getting a call this morning.  I’ve been counting the minutes.  It’s now 9:16.  That means the morning is already half way over, right?  If there’s nothing bad there, I’ll get a card in the mail within the week.  I never like this.  I wish they’d just call, either way.  Last time, they didn’t call the next day, but a few days later to tell me they needed me to come back in.  It turned out to be nothing, but I know that “bad” news may not necessarily come this morning, but maybe in a couple of days.  That’s why they should call no matter what the next morning.  Who wants to worry about this stuff?  Nobody, that’s for sure.

I got a call yesterday, saying that our Vancouver house had finally sold.  Now, the inspection isn’t until tomorrow, so I’m not sure how the realtor can really say it’s sold….  Honestly, she’s kind of a cunt.  I really never use that word to describe people, but I’d say in working with her the past year and a half or so, she’s always been cunty.  And she’s OUR realtor…  She told us that our friend has to move out within 30 days and she was going to call her and tell her that (um, not your place, cunt).  I returned her message yesterday, stating for her to call me, but of course, she’s cunty, so I haven’t heard back.  She was really bitching about what my friend did to the house.  I don’t even want to think about it.  I don’t want to think it’s true.  I just want a real time frame, for me to give my friend time to find a new place, and for us to fly back and get the stuff out of our house (along with the friend who stole my money, stuff that she left there…nice…) Yesterday, I was stressed about the whole thing.  Trust me, when I was growing up, I didn’t dream of being a huge failure that had to short sale their house for less than half of what I paid for it….  It’s been a long, painful
process, which has really crushed my soul in so many ways.  I loved that house.  I thought my kids were going to grow up in that house.  I thought we would always live in Vancouver….(at least until they graduated) Ah, I’ll stop now, getting myself upset.  Now, how is that taking control of my emotions?  Haha. 
Man up Weekley :)

I’d better get going, but I wanted to say thanks for reading this thing.  It looks like quite a few of you have been lately, although I have no idea who.  

~Jen
Oh, I’ll use the lyrics to Start Me Up today by the Stones.  Simply because it has
one of my favorite lines ever from a song: the last two lines.  Enjoy.


If you
start me up
If you start me up I'll never stop
If you start me up
If
you start me up I'll never stop
Ive been running hot
You got me ticking
gonna blow my top
If you start me up
If you start me up I'll never
stop
You make a grown man cry
Spread out the oil, the gasoline
I walk
smooth, ride in a mean, mean machine
Start it up
If you start it up

Kick on the starter give it all you got, you got, you got
I can't compete
with the riders in the other heats
If you rough it up
If you like it you
can slide it up, slide it up
Don't make a grown man cry
My eyes dilate, my
lips go green
My hands are greasy
Shes a mean, mean machine
Start it
up
If start me up
Give it all you got
You got to never, never, never
stop
Never, never
Slide it up
You make a grown man cry
Ride like the
wind at double speed
I’ll take you places that you’ve never, never seen

Start it up
Love the day when we will never stop, never stop
Never stop,
never stop
Tough me up
Never stop, never stop, never stop
You, you, you
make a grown man cry
You, you make a dead man cum
You, you make a dead man
cum

Well, I’ll be Aunt Flow decided to make a visit last night.  I should’ve
known….  It used to be, that I knew it was getting close, not because of all of the crazy pains, bloating, and hormone antics, but because I’d get horny.  Maybe I’ve got this whole “uncorking” thing wrong. Maybe it’s just because I always felt that need right before it decided to arrive.  And back in the day, my periods could go miss a month or two, or arrive every 45 days or what have you.  They were never “normal” unless I was on the pill.  But after I had Caleb, low and behold, they started actually coming around the same time every month.  So, I guess I should’ve figured it out yesterday when I knew that I was going to have to have some loving last night that the crazy bitch would cock block me. And she did.  But I guess I can’t use horniness as a guide, since as I’ve gotten older,
that’s definitely ramped up….just a little bit.  So after what seemed to be about 10 days of PMS, you’d think I’d be so relieved to have it here.  And I am.  However, I have a mammogram today.  Now, sore period boobs, and the masher probably aren’t going to make for a good time. My boobs hurt just thinking about it.

We all really did have a nice weekend.  Well, except for Brian.  He was on-call this weekend, and ended up having to work most of the day yesterday. We were bummed, but at the same time, you always want to take o.t. when it comes your way.  So, we’re glad for that part of it.  I was pretty busy with the boys and
their going ons throughout the day.  I did have plenty of time to watch football, though.  Man, I love it.  And hot damn! Wasn't it awesome when the
Seahawks beat the Cowboys?!  Love, love, love it.  I was the only one to pick them in our pool.  But it looks like I’ll take 2nd for the 2nd week in a row. MOFO.  No $ for 2nd….unless it’s at the end of the season.  But who couldn’t use $110?  I had grand ideas of stowing it away like a squirrel stows a nut (as my friend says, when she refers to her saving of money).  Tonight my man Peyton Manning plays, too.  I love to watch him play.  He’s my
favorite player in the league right now.  But you know what?  If my 16 y/o self knew that my 40 y/o self would be cheering on the Broncos. She’d probably kick the shit out of this old lady and scream, WTF?  Well, actually yell, what the fuck, since we didn’t have cool short hand texting lingo back then.  And she would’ve been right.  No self-respecting Seahawks fan should be cheering
for the Broncos.

So, I know I’m still in my midlife crisis type mood.  I’ve been overthinking
everything: especially career wise.  I have a pretty good job.  I just wish I loved it.  I wish it was a passion.  I need to get my priorities straight. Ah, ONJ just came on…so love her.  Anyway, I need to quit thinking about what I need to do and actually do it.  Kind of like with my diet, too.  I feel like a failure in epic
proportions in many ways right now.  I’ve got to get a grip!  But I guess I won’t beat myself up too much today, as I am hemorrhaging, and do have to get my swollen D & C cups (while swollen) squished today, and pat myself on the back for still being soda free.  If I can do that, I can do anything, right ; )  Oh damn, my boobs hurt just thinking about it.

We all know I have a hard time focusing and usually like to have a couple of things going on.  In the course of a work day, I usually chat with a couple of my friends, online.  I love it. Makes the day go by so much faster. One of my PIC’s is starting a new job today, so she’ll be unavailable for a while.  And the other, is doing computer training, that has her travelling all week, and will for the most part of a year.  She’ll be in and out so much, she’ll never have time for chit chat. So, my grown up friends are leaving me behind.  Lol  Maybe I could learn something from them….

If I walk into a room, I rarely do what I intended to do right off the bat.  I’ll see something out of place and have to clean it up or whatever.  Sometimes I’ll leave the room not having ever accomplished what I walked in there for, anyway.  Well, yesterday I walked through the kitchen, on my way to the
bathroom.  I noticed a couple of dishes that needed to get in the dishwasher and as soon as I started the water, I had to go real bad.  But I thought, WTF, this is all mental, do the f’ing dishes.  Well, I think we all know how that ended.  I literally pissed my pants.  Not just a leak.  I peed ‘em pretty good by the time I actually started the 10’ to the bathroom.  Nice…nice…nice.  Can I blame my period?  I think I will.  So, that’s where today’s title “Depends” came from.  At least I crack myself up.
Hope you all are having a great Monday
(oxymoron)

Jen
Oh, I heard this, this morning.  It's not the greatest song of all time, but it is Fleetwood Mac: one of my all time favorite bands.  And Lindsey did write it: one of my all time favorite men.  Suitable for a Monday Morning.  (This is for you Jo, my soul mate in all things Fleetwood Mac related ; )

Written by lindsey
buckingham.

Monday morning you look so fine
Friday I got travelin on my mind
First you love me, then you fade away
I can't go on believin' this way
I got nothing but love for you
So tell me what you really wanna do
First you love me then you get on down the line
But I don't mind.
I dont't mind
I'll be there if you want me to
No one else that could ever do
Got to get some
peace in  my mind.
Monday morning you  look so fine
Friday I got travelin  on my mind
First you love me then  you say it's wrong
I can't go on  believing for long
But you know  it's true
You only want
me when I  get over you
First you love me then  you get on down the line
But I  don't mind
I don't mind
I'll be there if you
want me to
No one else that
could ever  do
Got to get
some peace in  my mind

So, I'm pretty sure I added a post after the 9/11 one...where the hell it went, I've no idea.  And damned if I remember what it said.  But surely it was enlightening....lol

My body has really been messing with me lately.  I had some pretty good cramps on most of Wed.  That night at the store, I broke out into a sweat and had to rush home to puke.  The pain was crazy....  I was asleep by 8 that night: knocked on my ass fo sho.  The cramps were still there on Thursday, but not as bad.  I'd had to take the day off, for appts. for the kids.  It was a good thing.  It gave my body a little breather.  I even went off of pop on Thurs.  I knew that the caffeine and poison mixture probably was doing a disservice to my body and everything it was going through.  The headaches were severe for two days, but along w/ everything else it was just parr for course.  I'm so glad to be free of it.  It's still a habit I have to fight off.  I want it almost all the time...it was my stress reliever, it gave me an excuse to go to another building at work, and get out of my office, it helped the boredom, and most importantly shut up the voice inside my head that said: go get a pop, go get a pop.....  All of that stuff is still there, but at least the withdrawls are pretty much gone.

So, you'd think by now Aunt Flow would've come to visit, but she hasn't.  Now my body is feeling "normal" with the exeption of a cramp here and there.  I can't tell you how many times I've run to the bathroom thinking it finally arrived.  Nope.  This must be one of the crappy things that goes along with premenopause.  And they say this shit can last for years and years.  It's horrible.  Wouldn't wish it on anyone...

I guess the way my body has been feeling is in direct relationship with my terrible, terrible self esteem lately.  It's been worse than usual (and you know how bad that is...)  I'm working on it, though.  It's always a process.

Yesterday Ryne actually got to play a lot in the football game.  We were so excited for him.  I'm glad the coaching staff made right with all the kids they'd sat the week before.  Byron rolled the team we were playing, so lots of opportunity for kids to play.  Ryne never plays RB, but they had him there at the end of the game.  He fumbled twice in a row.  Ouch.  Then they got another chance and gave it to Ryne again.  He picked up a few yards.  It was huge for his confidence.  He was so stoked after the game!  Last week he spent the night w/ a buddy, so this week he had the boy spend the night w/ him.  He also has a bday party to go to today.  I'm so very happy to see him making friends like he has.  The boys all really seems to like him.

Cal is still enjoying the school.  He likes it so much more than his previous one.  It is funny, though.. I had a long meeting with the school social worker and the nurse the other day.  The social worker checks in to make sure all is going well with Cal and school and that he's not feeling bullied, etc.  Anyway, the social worker commented on how little Cal has been stimming (flapping hands, etc), and how she even observed him starting to do it, and then he sat on his hands and rocked back and forth trying to stop himslef.  Cal and I have talked a lot about different wasy to "get out the wiggles" so he isn't judged by his classmates.  Just two days after the social worker told me she didn't think any of the kids even notice, Cal told me how he didn't want to tell this boy he had Autism.  I said, why would you need to tell him?  You don't need to tell anyone if you don't want.  He said, well (insert boy name here-don't remember) said that he thinks me and Austin (another child on the spectrum) have brain damage.  I said why would he say that.  Cal said, because we get the wiggles.  Kids are much more perceptvie than we (even ppl trained in that area) give them credit for....  The thing that bothered me, was that Cal seemed to be happy with the boy thinking he had brain damage, rather than Autism.  So, I had to explain to him again that Autism is not a bad thing.  And that Caleb is really lucky in that he hardly has it, I tried explaining.  Cal said really?  I hardly have it?  I said, well you're considered very high functioning.  Autism isn't who you are.  It's just a small part of you.  So, hopefully the talked worked.

On a really great note for Cal, though.  We signed him up for swim team.  He's in a beginners group (kind of an orientation for a few months) where they work on all 4 strokes.  He absolutely loves swimming, although he always talks about being last.  We explain to him that these kids have been doing it longer.  But what's great, is they are going to have a "most improved" on the free style today.  Cal thinks he can get it :)  How awesome.  Swimming is a perfect sport for him.  We are so excited for him.  Hopefully it'll bring him close to his teammates, too.  They are mostly girls, though.  However, Cal does much prefer the ladies to boys.  hahaha.

Happy Sunday everyone.  Hope your day finds you self content and comfortable in your own skin.

Much Love,

Jen

It’s safe to say that PMS and hormones have completely taken over my mind and body.  Today has to be the day….  Aunt Flow has to come today and begin to put an end to this misery. The physical pains it brings are one thing, and I can handle that, it’s the tricks it’s starts to play with my mind. What a mind fuck this whole thing is. So, I’ve resolved to keep myself super busy at work today.  I won’t give my mind time to fuck with me.  Yesterday was an exceptionally bad, hormone related day.  Brian was so good, though.  He let me just kind of “check out” when I got home, until bed.  I had a few beers (first at home in a while), and just watched t.v.  Believe it or not, first was the Kardashian’s (okay, I don’t watch a lot of t.v. these days, why do I always choose to watch this when I do?!), and then was an evening full of the always cheery 9/11 stuff.  Every year on that date, I spend the evening reliving it through t.v.  I’ll watch program after program.  And last night, I was
especially pissed because the only channel I could find doing anything about it
was the History Channel. Really?  WTF?  Apparently lots of channels showed stuff on it this weekend, but that’s b.s.  That’s not the day….and ppl don’t watch t.v. on the weekends.  I’ve seen the coverage get lower and lower and lower every single year.  It was only 11 years ago for crying out loud!  I know it sounds
silly, but I feel like if I don’t relive it all via t.v. every year, I’m doing a disservice to this country. In my lifetime, it’s the biggest thing that’s ever happened.  And I was at such a vulnerable place when it all went down.  I’d just returned to work after having Ryne, so I was getting ready in the morning.  Brian and I had a little argument before I got in the shower, and when I got out he was sitting in front of the t.v.  He told me that a plane had just flown into one of the Twin Towers.  I was shocked, but was of course thinking it was a little plane and not
on purpose.  I sat down to nurse Ryne, and that’s when we saw the second jet go screaming into the other tower.  It was all so surreal.  My emotions were so high anyway, having this infant, which dramatically changed my life and the way I looked at things.  And at the same time, having this bonding via breastfeeding while watching the most horrific thing I’d ever seen.  I listened to Howard Stern on my drive to work, as they stayed broadcasting live, right there from N.Y.  You could hear all of their concerns for those they knew that worked there, some had kids in a nearby school; many lived in Manhattan, etc.  Just as I got into the lane to turn into my work, that’s when Robin screamed that one of the towers had fallen.  That was the worst feeling in history.  Of course, all of this is going on as you hear about the Pentagon, Flight 93, and various erroneous reports, which you believed to be true. It make me feel like vomiting just remembering it all again.  I hope nobody ever forgets…ever, people jumping from buildings, firemen running up the stairs to their imminent deaths, while others tried to flee downward. Okay, I know that was really heavy…really, really heavy, but it is heavy stuff.  I know 9/11 really had a big impact on how I lived my life for many months after the event.  I remember
thinking how could I have ever watched Entertainment Tonight (pre 9/11) every night while there’s so much going on in the world.  Who the fucks cares what Reese Witherspoon is wearing to some fucking party I’ve never heard of?  I was so fearful for the life that I’d just brought into the world.  I’d never known war, and of course I didn’t want Ryne to know it either.  I remember sitting at the bar with Jody and Mikki, and Mikki was freaking out about the possibility of them bringing the draft back and Donnie was nearing that age.  It was such a weird time.  A time of uncertainty for sure.  One thing that did come out of the 9/11 tragedy, is that it brought my friend H.P. and I closer.  We were feeling all
of the same things surrounding the tragedy.  We felt it with every fiber of our
being.  I remember we went up to Cascade Tavern on 9/12 to have lunch, so we could watch coverage on the big screen.  We were just praying they’d find survivors.  H.P. and I also bonded through the Stern coverage which both of us had been glued to.  It made a new, fun friendship: a bond.  A bond that we still hold today.  And we still think of each other every 9/11 and make an effort to reach out, no matter how crazy, busy our lives might be.

Okay, that all got much deeper than I intended.  Anyway, I didn’t post
anything yesterday out of respect for the date.  I didn’t think my whining was
appropriate for a day that brings so many so much sadness, and a day that
eventually brought us 2 wars....which for all intents and purposes are still
going.  Watching the coverage last night and seeing what so many ppl have had to go through, certainly did make me reflect on my own health and wellbeing. 
(This of course, as I’m drinking in my darkened bedroom).  I hate that I take my own life for granted.  A huge pet peeve of mine is when I feel as if I’m being taken for granted. Well, why wouldn’t anyone take me for granted?  I can’t even
value my own life.  Pathetic. Lots of work to do….lots of work to do….

Weighed myself this morning, and I was down 4 oz.  I’ve done everything I can
possibly do to reverse my efforts these past couple of days. I’ll get back to it.  I have to….

So, I’m sure many won’t remember hearing Where Were You When The World Stopped Turning? By Alan Jackson a few days later on some music awards show.  He just sat there and sang it with a guitar.  He’d just written it and it was so raw.  I remember thinking it was the most honest, poignant song I’d ever heard.  So very powerful.  Anyway, here are the lyrics.

Hope all is well for everyone,
Jen


"Where Were You (When The World Stopped Turning)"
Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September
day?
Were you in the yard with your wife and children
Or working on some
stage in L.A.?
Did you stand there in shock at the sight of that black
smoke
Risin' against that blue sky?
Did you shout out in anger, in fear
for your neighbor
Or did you just sit down and cry?

Did you weep for
the children who lost their dear loved ones
And pray for the ones who don't
know?
Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble
And sob
for the ones left below?
Did you burst out with pride for the red, white and
blue
And the heroes who died just doin' what they do?
Did you look up to
heaven for some kind of answer
And look at yourself and what really
matters?

[Chorus:]
I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not
a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell
You the
difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I
remember this from when I was young
Faith, hope and love are some good things
He gave us
And the greatest is love

Where were you when the world
stopped turning on that September day?
Were you teaching a class full of
innocent children
Or driving down some cold interstate?
Did you feel
guilty 'cause you're a survivor
In a crowded room did you feel alone?
Did
you call up your mother and tell her you loved her?
Did you dust off that
Bible at home?

Did you open your eyes, hope it never happened
Close
your eyes and not go to sleep?
Did you notice the sunset the first time in
ages
Or speak to some stranger on the street?
Did you lay down at night
and think of tomorrow
Or go out and buy you a gun?
Did you turn off that
violent old movie you're watchin'
And turn on "I Love Lucy" reruns?


Did you go to a church and hold hands with some strangers
Did you stand in
line and give your own blood?
Did you just stay home and cling tight to your
family
Thank God you had somebody to love?

[Chorus x2]


And the greatest is love.
And the greatest is love.

Where were you
when the world stopped turning on that September day?

I woke up w/ the P.M.S. in full effect.  It really pisses me off.  Usually when I’m eating smart it doesn’t hit me this bad.  My hormones are all over the damn place.  I came into work, and my poor boss is going through the same thing, which I think just made it worse for each of us.  I wanted pop so bad, I literally had tears in my eyes. Really?  WTF!  I fought it for a while before giving in.  I know it’s poison.  I know I was supposed to stop today….but I didn’t.  What a fucking loser.  I’m also having cravings all over the place.  I swear if someone set a cheeseburger in front of me along w/ chili cheese fries, I’d eat it up….  So
gross. I’ve mentioned before how there’s always fresh baked goods around here.  Of course this morning, I came in to find cupcakes in the break room, just a few feet from my office.  Oh, how I wanted them.  But I don’t even know that I want to taste them.  I just want in inhale them!  So, I did the smartest thing I could think of to make the cravings go away.  I ate a bowl of veggie
chili.  Yes, at 8:30 a.m. I ate chili….  And you know what, it made my mouth taste like shit, like I knew it would. Now, the sweets aren’t calling out my
name.  So, despite my mini breakdown, I’m happy with the decision I made.  Nothing wrong w/ chili, at all.  Well, except that my office now probably stinks, and the guys were looking at me like I was crazy.  But I’ll tell you what, if those guys can eat CUPCAKES that early in the morning, I can eat some fucking chili.

Well, I’m doing my best to work through my mood :)  Ladies, you know how it is though…it’s all encompassing.  But I’m listening to some good music, and thinking about an awesome phone convo I had w/ a great friend yesterday.  Some people are so freaking easy to talk to.  I know that whatever I say to Jo will not be shocking, sound crazy, or make her think differently of me, no matter what our topic of conversation is.  She’s always right there 100% with me.  As we’ve always said, we’re soul sisters.  She fucking rocks.  I just wish she knew how great she is.

I didn’t get near the sleep I wanted last night.  I’m fine with the time zone
change out here, except when it comes to football. Growing up, I woke up to football at 9 a.m. (in AK), and then the rest of my adult life it started at 10 (in WA). Here it starts at noon, which is fine, but the night games start so late.  I was so excited to watch my man Peyton play last night.  The game didn’t start until 7:30, and I was still finishing up with changing everyone’s bedding, so I couldn’t sit down until 7:45. I was so excited to have a couple of cold beers while watching the game, but by that time, I’m like….geesh, it’s too late.  I can’t start drinking now. What a bummer.  My favorite saying: sucks to be a grown up.  Anyway, what an awesome, awesome game.  Peyton’s back on the list baby!  One of my co-workers came in this morning, and I told him Peyton was back on, and he said did he fall off when his neck was hurt.  I said, yes, because I’m a hair puller.  Lmao.  Is that crossing the line?  Trust me, if there’s a line to cross, I’ll cross it (of course only in innocent ways)!

So, now Billie Jean is playing, and helping my mood shift.  I’ve always loved M.J.’s music, even when it was incredibly uncool to love it. He was the man.  It’s a shame, I’ll never get the chance to see him in concert.

Oh, so this blog is about weight….  I must tell you, while I’ve been doing fairly well on the eating, I’ve been having lots of mental battles.  I’m seeing it…I’m seeing the fat…I’m feeling the fat….  As a fatty, we go through long periods of time without acknowledging it’s there.  It’s easy to pretend it’s not that bad, or to tell ourselves that we look good one day or feel good, when in all actuality…I’m fat.  Not just fat.  Obese…. I’m getting overwhelmed by how far I have to go.  So, I’m just trying to focus on this first 10 lbs.  I guess that’s all I can do. 
I’m struggling w/ that fine line between not beating myself up over little slips, and knowing that I can’t afford to slip.  That I have a serious weight issue, and I need to treat it with the dose of seriousness that it needs.  The other day, my friend came to watch Ryno’s football game with us.  I was so excited that she cared enough about me and my kid to come out and watch the game.  We were
sitting next to each other and I looked down at my legs as I was sitting on the
bleachers and then looked at hers.  I got it….  I saw it…. I saw my huge legs, and her great legs. I’ve never been one to compare my weight w/ others, but it was heart breaking to me.  It was such a reality.  Long way to go.  And the relality, that this is what other see, too.  No fooling anyone....  Long road ahead.  Lots of keeping my head on straight.  But here I am, once again, taking one day at a time.  I’m so determined to get there one day…..

So, we’ve all heard Escape (Pina Colada song), and we can probably all agree that it rocks. Although, we certainly don’t hear it every day.  But it’s fun, and I
thought I’d add the lyrics.  Hopefully it takes you to a happy place.  (Oh yeah! 
Air Supply is on!)  Whoot whoot.

Have a great day (hopefully no P.M.S. for you)
Jen

Food:
7:00  Smoothie (water, flax seed, spinach, frozen blueberries, banana)
8:30  Can of veggie chili and a 20 oz. Diet Dr. Pepper

Escape


I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long.
Like a worn-out
recording, of a favorite song.
So while she lay there sleeping, I read the
paper in bed.
And in the personals column, there was this letter I read:


"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not
into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in
the dunes of the cape.
I'm the lady you've looked for, write to me, and
escape."

I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of
mean.
But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine.

So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad.
And though I'm nobody's
poet, I thought it wasn't half-bad.

"Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and
getting caught in the rain.
I'm not much into health food, I am into
champagne.
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this
red tape.
At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape."

So
I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place.
I knew her smile in
an instant, I knew the curve of her face.
It was my own lovely lady, and she
said, "Oh, it's you."
And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never
knew"..

"That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.

And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.
If you like making
love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked
for, come with me, and escape."

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting
caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If
you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love
that I've looked for, come with me, and
escape."