Thursday now. It feels good to have one thing under control right now. One thing at a time, right? It feels like things have been coming at me a little faster than I can handle lately. I know the hormones interpret things as more than they are, so I’m sitting back today (going on 2nd full day of period), and I can see things more clearly. I guess this dream I had last week or so, kind of sums up how I’ve been feeling lately. To set it up, my cousin Jesse is getting married in early October outside of Sacramento. I would so love for us to be there, but
it’s just not in the financial cards. Travelling cross country with 4 is just too spendy. I have a lot of guilt for not being able to go, not to mention that I love Jesse to death and would love to be there for his big day, in addition to seeing so many family members. Anyway, the dream went as such: I was preparing to drive to Bellingham from outside of Camas (where I used to work). In the dream, it was a 15 hour drive to Bellingham to catch the ferry that was going to take me to Alaska, which was where the wedding was to take place. I was all ready to go, but my current boss was there and I was complaining about my recent hair color (which really does have too much blonde for my liking), and she said she could fix it in 15 mins. I was panicked as I waited with that foil on my head for an hour and a half to have her pull it off, and find myself completely blonde. I was crushed. I finally got in the car and started driving.
My GPS told me I’d be there in 15 hours and 45 mins. Now, I knew that I could make up some time via speeding. But as I left, there was some sort of benefit bike ride (I believe for cancer, since there was a lot of pink) and the riders were all on this bridge. I was forced to go slowly behind them. Then one crashed, so
I got out and helped her. Someone else helped me get her into my car and we had to drive the opposite way of Bellingham for me to get her to the Dr. She wasn’t hurt badly. I finally turned back to go toward Bellingham, but now my GPS was telling me it would take me 17 hours to get there and I only had 12 hours before the ferry left. I started speeding down the highway. It felt good, but I felt so rushed. The next thing I know, Brian is in the car with me. He
needed me to stop so he could get a Diet Coke. We stopped and of course, it took forever. Now, I was back in the car speeding, only I was by myself again.
I looked at my GPS and I knew there was no way I could possibly make it, but I was going to try. I was frantically driving and very fast. I felt like I had no control, no control over the car at all, but I kept going faster and faster and faster and faster…. That’s when I woke up. I woke up thinking Holy Shit! That was real and scary. So, I’m working on this feeling, this feeling of having no control over anything. I’ve got to learn that I can’t control everything. For fucks sakes, it seems like this moment in time, the only thing I do have control over is the fact that I’m not drinking soda. So, today I’ll celebrate that little accomplishment. I’ve also had a smoothie this morning, and am making an effort at taking control over this disgusting body of mine.
Well, as always, the mammogram was a total blast yesterday. Because of some of the way my tissue is, I also get an extra couple of squishes each time. But of course, it’s nothing in the big picture, and I really don’t mind getting them that much. It’s the watching of the clock that’s getting me this morning (see no control :) If they see a reason to have me back in before next year, I’ll be getting a call this morning. I’ve been counting the minutes. It’s now 9:16. That means the morning is already half way over, right? If there’s nothing bad there, I’ll get a card in the mail within the week. I never like this. I wish they’d just call, either way. Last time, they didn’t call the next day, but a few days later to tell me they needed me to come back in. It turned out to be nothing, but I know that “bad” news may not necessarily come this morning, but maybe in a couple of days. That’s why they should call no matter what the next morning. Who wants to worry about this stuff? Nobody, that’s for sure.
I got a call yesterday, saying that our Vancouver house had finally sold. Now, the inspection isn’t until tomorrow, so I’m not sure how the realtor can really say it’s sold…. Honestly, she’s kind of a cunt. I really never use that word to describe people, but I’d say in working with her the past year and a half or so, she’s always been cunty. And she’s OUR realtor… She told us that our friend has to move out within 30 days and she was going to call her and tell her that (um, not your place, cunt). I returned her message yesterday, stating for her to call me, but of course, she’s cunty, so I haven’t heard back. She was really bitching about what my friend did to the house. I don’t even want to think about it. I don’t want to think it’s true. I just want a real time frame, for me to give my friend time to find a new place, and for us to fly back and get the stuff out of our house (along with the friend who stole my money, stuff that she left there…nice…) Yesterday, I was stressed about the whole thing. Trust me, when I was growing up, I didn’t dream of being a huge failure that had to short sale their house for less than half of what I paid for it…. It’s been a long, painful
process, which has really crushed my soul in so many ways. I loved that house. I thought my kids were going to grow up in that house. I thought we would always live in Vancouver….(at least until they graduated) Ah, I’ll stop now, getting myself upset. Now, how is that taking control of my emotions? Haha.
Man up Weekley :)
I’d better get going, but I wanted to say thanks for reading this thing. It looks like quite a few of you have been lately, although I have no idea who.
Oh, I’ll use the lyrics to Start Me Up today by the Stones. Simply because it has
one of my favorite lines ever from a song: the last two lines. Enjoy.
start me up
If you start me up I'll never stop
If you start me up
you start me up I'll never stop
Ive been running hot
You got me ticking
gonna blow my top
If you start me up
If you start me up I'll never
You make a grown man cry
Spread out the oil, the gasoline
smooth, ride in a mean, mean machine
Start it up
If you start it up
Kick on the starter give it all you got, you got, you got
I can't compete
with the riders in the other heats
If you rough it up
If you like it you
can slide it up, slide it up
Don't make a grown man cry
My eyes dilate, my
lips go green
My hands are greasy
Shes a mean, mean machine
If start me up
Give it all you got
You got to never, never, never
Slide it up
You make a grown man cry
Ride like the
wind at double speed
I’ll take you places that you’ve never, never seen
Start it up
Love the day when we will never stop, never stop
Tough me up
Never stop, never stop, never stop
You, you, you
make a grown man cry
You, you make a dead man cum
You, you make a dead man