There are no truer words spoken, than those above. It would be nice, if I had been trying to out exercise it - it would limit the blow of the last month or so. I've had my moments of getting the exercise in (as I plan to today...), but mostly I've had excuses on why I'm not doing it. On the surface, there are great reasons for not making it to boot camp, like my son's birthday or being out of town. Really, there have been things every single day, but I could've still gotten to the gym at other times and done my own workout. We all have our "reasons" for not making it to the gym. I had been strong enough for quite some time, to push past these excuses and to make it happen. December, however, has been another story. The great news is, it's up to me to get back to it. I have that power. 

I've done a lot of soul searching on why I started eating poorly again. In the back of my mind, I knew what it was, but I refused to think I was so weak - as to let those be the reasons/excuses. There were back-to-back things that hit right at my core, and I used those as excuses I guess. The first thing was a situation, where I immediately turned to food. I drove right to Wendy's and dealt with it that way. I knew why I was doing it, and I had used food to cope only a few times during the year. I thought this would be like those times, a one-time occurrence, and I would be right back on the horse. I was wrong. I opened Pandora's box, and then was susceptible to the next little thing. The door was open, and suddenly it's the season....of food. It has been everywhere. You cannot believe the stuff that comes through our office. Over the last month, there hasn't been a day where there wasn't a meat/cheese tray, or cookies, doughnuts, candy, rice krispy treats, or all of the above. Last year, I was strong enough to resist temptation. This year, I haven't been. The food parade has continued, as I've been off work this week. I've enjoyed a bunch of mom's cooking, celebrating with friends, wine, wine, wine. Shit, I've eaten fudge for breakfast. The lack of exercise, along with eating like a douche bag, who has no respect for herself, has resulted in a 7 pound gain - just like that. You may be thinking...but you've lost 120 pounds, give yourself a break. And trust me, I try and sell myself on that as well. I do need a break of sorts. But I feel every single ounce of this seven pounds. I feel sluggish. I feel/see it in my stomach and thighs. When I was at a 3 pound gain, I actually liked the way my stomach looked better, than before. It was just enough to take away from that sagging skin near my hip bones. At that point, I tried to tell myself...hey, maybe you already lost all the weight you needed to...which isn't true....but people keep telling me that, and eventually, I began to use that as another excuse. I think people see me now, after knowing how heavy I was and think, oh she's lost enough, or oh fuck Jen- slow it down a little. I've heard it all...trust me...but the thing is, if someone was meeting me for the first time, they would see me as someone who needed to lose weight - because I am truly not there yet. I'm getting close...I'd let myself get so close, I could actually see it. That may be part of my self-sabotage, as well. Seeing it but still not believing I deserved it or had earned it. Thankfully, I'm in fairly good shape at this point, Brian even saying last week, while we were walking/running: that I was in better shape than him. I haven't been in as good of shape as him, since I played college basketball. That's a great feeling. I have a long way to go, though. I'm excited for what this next year will bring.

I've been going on about all the things I've done wrong this month, but I assure you, this is not how my story ends. I'm ready to get things back on track, in a few days. My body/mind is excited to be feeling good again. I really don't like the way I feel right now. This has all been a great reminder, of what I have to look forward to. I know most of us fall off our diet path, during the holidays. I hope you take it for what it is - a bump in the fabulous road of good health. I have complete faith, that you'll be back on track as well. As always, if you need someone to talk it all through with, I'm here.

The holidays have been really wonderful. It has been so nice to have mom here. I miss being around family, something fierce. A couple of friends were even so sweet as to bring mom Christmas gifts. It seriously bring tears to my eyes, just thinking about it. The thoughtfulness that family and friends extended this year, was truly moving in a lot of ways. I met a friend for breakfast yesterday, and she gave me this little gift, that is among the greatest things I've ever received. It wasn't only the thoughtfulness of what she gave me, but her delivery in the story behind it. We have that power to be the person that makes someones day. I'm blessed to be surrounded by people who are aware of their power. 

This week off from work has gone by way too quickly. I found myself getting very sad about it this morning. I can't let the thought of going back to the grind on Tuesday get in the way of these last couple of days of freedom. I don't use that word, freedom, lightly. I have been busy this week - admittedly too busy. Yesterday, I left the house at 8:30 and didn't get home until 5. I wish I hadn't spread myself so thin over this last week, but it was nice using my time in the way that I chose. Even though there hasn't been enough time for everything I wanted to do, I was able to do a lot of things I loved, on days when I would normally be wasting my life away in a cubicle... I'm grateful for these days.

Someone close to me, included me on a group chat that was comprised of her close friends (where she currently lives). It began as an article she sent to us about what women go through and how we all seem to have our individual struggles. It was quite the powerful article. The openness of the women who were included on this chat, was truly remarkable. I've heard a lot about each of these women over the years, but to see them through their own eyes. The words they shared on their own struggles, was so moving. I feel blessed to have been included in such a show of love and support for one another, along with some great laughs. My takeaway from the article, is we all have our struggles - despite the version of ourselves we choose to show the world. I hope we call all be mindful of this and continue to be people who help to lift one another up. To be people who are there for one another. Again, we have that power. Go be those bad-ass super heroes you all are. 

Have a wonderful New Year my friends,

​~Jen
Here's a cover, that I thought was new, until I just went to search for the video. I usually don't care for covers of songs, staying loyal to the original. This, is pretty damn good, though. They extend that same haunting feeling that Bruce first gave us. Sometimes it likes someone took a knife baby, edgy and full and cut a six inch valley though the middle of my skull.

'Tis the season for so many great things. I wasn't in the spirit right from the get go, but I pushed myself along fairly early on. I was reminded in a very bizarre way, what matters most around this time of year. It's easy to get caught up in the sheer number of people that I need to buy gifts for. It's always a rush to get things mailed off, but thankfully I was on top of that this year. I was able to gather myself and choose to take the time to think about everyone. We both have a lot of family members, and buying gifts for 25 people can get overwhelming. Last year, I did mostly gift cards, and was planning on doing that again this year. To me, giving a gift, to give a gift, is not what the holidays are about. So, I tried to put thought into the individual people this year, and it made me feel good to come up with some of the things I came up with. Now mind you, people probably would prefer the gift card-haha. It's hard to know exactly what people want/need so many states away. I try anyway, and that leaves me with a good feeling.

The holidays are also a time for food, food, food, drink, and food. Last year, I was much better at resisting temptation than I have been this year. I have great moments in choices, but there have been a lot of bad moves on my part. I normally walk past all of the goodies at work (there are usually doughnuts out a couple times a week, etc), but I've been grazing lately-although, proud to say, I still haven't had a doughnut since 10/2016. Grazing really is about the worst thing one can do. When you do this, you have no idea how many calories you're putting into your body, and you really aren't enjoying it in the way choosing to eat those calories, should be enjoyed. This month, I haven't had it together. I've missed the past two workouts. I had a swim team meeting for Cal, that I couldn't miss on Thursday. I was bound and determined to go on Monday, even though it was right after Mom was set to arrive. I planned on it up until the last minute, but it was so nice to have her here…I chose to stay and visit instead of going to class. I can't say that I regret choosing to visit with her, as it was awesome, but at the time I should've been running and doing burpees: I was eating fudge and drinking wine. She will be here a couple of weeks, and I'm so grateful for this time. The timing of this visit, couldn't have been better.

I go into today, knowing I will eat Mom's cooking (she is seriously the BEST COOK EVER). If you say you're mom is a better cook, I will fight you to the death. (Okay, maybe not that, but I will revert to grade school remarks about how my mama is better than your mama). I have made the choice to hit my 10,000 steps every day she is here, though. I will make my classes, and I will do what I need to do-to keep my activity up (even….getting up early…which you know, kills me). I'm up nearly 4 pounds this month. This is by far, my worst stretch since changing my lifestyle. Taking that kind of weight off is so difficult, at this stage of the game. I know, I won't be losing weight over the next couple of weeks…but I will work hard to stay at only that 4 pound gain. My hope for you, is that you do better than me. Holiday weight gain is tough to come back from. Please enjoy yourself, but think through all of your choices.

I'm not really sure how to write about this next part…it's so private, but at the same time, I would really love your prayers. My uncle Denny passed away this past weekend. I was so caught off guard by it. I really couldn't think about it too much and certainly couldn't talk about it. The loss really hit me on Monday, when I went to work. I walked out into the plant, and I began to think about my uncle cheering on Danica Patrick for Caleb, and having me relay messages to him. I thought about all the times, he and my Aunt Sonny travelled to see me play basketball when I was in h.s. I thought about how great my cousins Tad and Troy have always been to me. Mostly, though, I've been thinking about Denny's unconditional love and sense of family. I'm not someone who believes people love me easily…It's something I work hard on in therapy. I wish that part of me was fixed and believing and trusting in how people say they think about me, etc. Because let me tell you, when you believe in someone, and it turns out you were wrong, it destroys you. With my uncle Denny, though, I just always knew how much he loved me - simply for being his niece. He found me on Facebook some years back, after we had lost contact for years before. He picked up right where he left off in terms of showing his love for me and my family. He never once asked anything of me, instead only giving to me. He taught us about our family history and was the glue to my dad's side of the family. His loss has hit me in ways I didn't think  it could, but I'm so grateful that he and I were able to reconnect again.

It was great timing for Mom to arrive on Monday, after finding out about Denny on Sunday. It was definitely a comfort. Yesterday, however, we were blindsided again by the sudden passing of my Godmother. I was at work and worried about mom, while hurting for Carol's family. We love that family so. Mom and I were able to really sit and talk about it all, late last night. I'm so very glad she is here. I took today off in an effort to process a lot of this and spend with my Mom. I'm so very grateful to have today to think about things, rather than trying to deal while working a relentless job.

So, I ask you to add my uncle Denny and Carol to your prayers tonight. Please ask God to hold them tight while taking care of their families. They were both extraordinary people and will always be loved and missed by many.

Okay, awkward transition time…. I wish you all the most wonderful of holidays. May God bring you all peace and joy. Please take time to enjoy and shower those you love with your love and affection - that's what they want/need the most. It's not about the gifts, even though we get caught up in that. It's about letting people know just what they mean to you.

Merry Christmas,
​
Jen

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​This blog is so much easier to write when I'm kicking ass and taking names. I've kicked a lot of ass, and I'm uber proud of that fact. Lately….my ass is the one getting kicked. It's the most frustrating feeling. It shouldn't be like this. There are so many fantastic things in my life right now. I'm grateful for every day on this earth, and not a day goes by that I don't thank God for all he has blessed me with. Still, so far into the journey…so close to where I want to be…I'm falling. I'm falling hard. The past two weeks, I've eaten worse than any stretch like this since all of this weight started coming off. I start most days good, and then I end up in my own head. All of this is happening, even as I'm crazy busy. Last week, I/we had commitments every night. The work days/nights have been long. I really shouldn't have time for anxiety. Still, it rides me like a bitch. I've wanted to throat punch myself over it all, but I believe I've finally started to figure some of it out. In a word: hormones. I'm on this pill (to actually regulate the hormonal issues that come with my period), in which I only get a cycle every three months. Last month was my cycle, but I've spotted four times since (once for 10 days). Are you surprised I'm writing about this? If so, congratulations for stumbling upon this gem of a blog… Today has been especially bad in a lot of ways, and I finally began to put two and two together. I hope that's the reason for everything anyway.

This last year + has been chalked full of a lot of emotions and reasons or excuses to fail at this new way of life. Still, I've persevered. Now, here I am, in a really great place in so many ways - and I have fallen off. It makes no sense. Why now? I don't want to over exaggerate things, in the sense that I've completely shit the bed…because I'm aware of what I'm eating - aware of my food choice. I'm just making the wrong ones, time after time. It's not like it was before, but I'm a stones throw away from that life I led for so long. The holidays are tough for me, being so far away from so many that I love so much. I long for family and my close friends. I long for that feeling of comfortableness around those people, no matter what is going on. I made it through last year, though without eating this poorly. I've been really lucky in that I'm only up one pound, but that can easily turn to 5, 10, and so on. I'm not quite sure why I haven't gained more than that pound, to be quite frank. It's not just the food…I've been drinking so much more than I normally do. I usually drink wine once a week, sometimes twice. I drank every single day last week, even after getting home so late. I never drink late, but I would get home and finally have a moment and everything would come flooding upon me. I didn't drink a lot, but it wasn't until Sunday that I realized I'd been drinking every night.

I've been working hard to pull myself through whatever this is. I have done a few things these past couple of weeks that have really fed my soul. Still, just like everything…I feel like I'm not doing enough. I have made it a point to spend time with friends, even seeing people I hadn't in quite a while. Those things make me feel good. I want to hold onto all of this. I need this touch of sadness that has tackled me to go away…

I continue to workout and push my body beyond what I believe its capabilities are. There have been nights like tonight, though, when I had every intention on going to the gym. I bought into being so tired, and needing a break (I've had plenty lately), that instead I picked up Mexican food and poured a glass of wine. I know I would've felt better, by going to the gym.

Okay…I've let out enough…thank you for baring with me. I just feel like I'm drowning and this is my way of throwing myself a life ring.

My Mom will be out here on Monday, to spend the holidays with us. I'm so very excited about this. I don't think I've spent an actual Christmas day with her, since I was 19. I'm pumped that the boys will have her here, too. I'll be taking a week off over the holiday, as well. It will be great to have some real time to visit. I think it will be really good to be away from work for a while, too. I'm hoping this break goes a long way in getting me back on track.

I'll leave you with the song, Heavy. I couldn't write about this song before…because well, it is too Heavy. The lyrics explain so much of what I go through in really bad times. Right now, is not one those really bad times, but still..some of those things in my head are there and sabotaging how good things are. This song feels like it was written for me. Every single lyric speaks to me. It was especially difficult to take in, when the lead singer on this song killed himself. Yeah. Uh, that's a head trip. Anyway, if you don't know it- maybe you'll find something you relate to in it, or it will remind you of someone you love and their struggles. It's not like I make the choice to let my mind stay so fucking messy.
​
Here's to tomorrow. May it be a healthy day for us, in every way.
~Jen