I've done a lot of soul searching on why I started eating poorly again. In the back of my mind, I knew what it was, but I refused to think I was so weak - as to let those be the reasons/excuses. There were back-to-back things that hit right at my core, and I used those as excuses I guess. The first thing was a situation, where I immediately turned to food. I drove right to Wendy's and dealt with it that way. I knew why I was doing it, and I had used food to cope only a few times during the year. I thought this would be like those times, a one-time occurrence, and I would be right back on the horse. I was wrong. I opened Pandora's box, and then was susceptible to the next little thing. The door was open, and suddenly it's the season....of food. It has been everywhere. You cannot believe the stuff that comes through our office. Over the last month, there hasn't been a day where there wasn't a meat/cheese tray, or cookies, doughnuts, candy, rice krispy treats, or all of the above. Last year, I was strong enough to resist temptation. This year, I haven't been. The food parade has continued, as I've been off work this week. I've enjoyed a bunch of mom's cooking, celebrating with friends, wine, wine, wine. Shit, I've eaten fudge for breakfast. The lack of exercise, along with eating like a douche bag, who has no respect for herself, has resulted in a 7 pound gain - just like that. You may be thinking...but you've lost 120 pounds, give yourself a break. And trust me, I try and sell myself on that as well. I do need a break of sorts. But I feel every single ounce of this seven pounds. I feel sluggish. I feel/see it in my stomach and thighs. When I was at a 3 pound gain, I actually liked the way my stomach looked better, than before. It was just enough to take away from that sagging skin near my hip bones. At that point, I tried to tell myself...hey, maybe you already lost all the weight you needed to...which isn't true....but people keep telling me that, and eventually, I began to use that as another excuse. I think people see me now, after knowing how heavy I was and think, oh she's lost enough, or oh fuck Jen- slow it down a little. I've heard it all...trust me...but the thing is, if someone was meeting me for the first time, they would see me as someone who needed to lose weight - because I am truly not there yet. I'm getting close...I'd let myself get so close, I could actually see it. That may be part of my self-sabotage, as well. Seeing it but still not believing I deserved it or had earned it. Thankfully, I'm in fairly good shape at this point, Brian even saying last week, while we were walking/running: that I was in better shape than him. I haven't been in as good of shape as him, since I played college basketball. That's a great feeling. I have a long way to go, though. I'm excited for what this next year will bring.
I've been going on about all the things I've done wrong this month, but I assure you, this is not how my story ends. I'm ready to get things back on track, in a few days. My body/mind is excited to be feeling good again. I really don't like the way I feel right now. This has all been a great reminder, of what I have to look forward to. I know most of us fall off our diet path, during the holidays. I hope you take it for what it is - a bump in the fabulous road of good health. I have complete faith, that you'll be back on track as well. As always, if you need someone to talk it all through with, I'm here.
The holidays have been really wonderful. It has been so nice to have mom here. I miss being around family, something fierce. A couple of friends were even so sweet as to bring mom Christmas gifts. It seriously bring tears to my eyes, just thinking about it. The thoughtfulness that family and friends extended this year, was truly moving in a lot of ways. I met a friend for breakfast yesterday, and she gave me this little gift, that is among the greatest things I've ever received. It wasn't only the thoughtfulness of what she gave me, but her delivery in the story behind it. We have that power to be the person that makes someones day. I'm blessed to be surrounded by people who are aware of their power.
This week off from work has gone by way too quickly. I found myself getting very sad about it this morning. I can't let the thought of going back to the grind on Tuesday get in the way of these last couple of days of freedom. I don't use that word, freedom, lightly. I have been busy this week - admittedly too busy. Yesterday, I left the house at 8:30 and didn't get home until 5. I wish I hadn't spread myself so thin over this last week, but it was nice using my time in the way that I chose. Even though there hasn't been enough time for everything I wanted to do, I was able to do a lot of things I loved, on days when I would normally be wasting my life away in a cubicle... I'm grateful for these days.
Someone close to me, included me on a group chat that was comprised of her close friends (where she currently lives). It began as an article she sent to us about what women go through and how we all seem to have our individual struggles. It was quite the powerful article. The openness of the women who were included on this chat, was truly remarkable. I've heard a lot about each of these women over the years, but to see them through their own eyes. The words they shared on their own struggles, was so moving. I feel blessed to have been included in such a show of love and support for one another, along with some great laughs. My takeaway from the article, is we all have our struggles - despite the version of ourselves we choose to show the world. I hope we call all be mindful of this and continue to be people who help to lift one another up. To be people who are there for one another. Again, we have that power. Go be those bad-ass super heroes you all are.
Have a wonderful New Year my friends,
Here's a cover, that I thought was new, until I just went to search for the video. I usually don't care for covers of songs, staying loyal to the original. This, is pretty damn good, though. They extend that same haunting feeling that Bruce first gave us. Sometimes it likes someone took a knife baby, edgy and full and cut a six inch valley though the middle of my skull.