This blog is so much easier to write when I'm kicking ass and taking names. I've kicked a lot of ass, and I'm uber proud of that fact. Lately….my ass is the one getting kicked. It's the most frustrating feeling. It shouldn't be like this. There are so many fantastic things in my life right now. I'm grateful for every day on this earth, and not a day goes by that I don't thank God for all he has blessed me with. Still, so far into the journey…so close to where I want to be…I'm falling. I'm falling hard. The past two weeks, I've eaten worse than any stretch like this since all of this weight started coming off. I start most days good, and then I end up in my own head. All of this is happening, even as I'm crazy busy. Last week, I/we had commitments every night. The work days/nights have been long. I really shouldn't have time for anxiety. Still, it rides me like a bitch. I've wanted to throat punch myself over it all, but I believe I've finally started to figure some of it out. In a word: hormones. I'm on this pill (to actually regulate the hormonal issues that come with my period), in which I only get a cycle every three months. Last month was my cycle, but I've spotted four times since (once for 10 days). Are you surprised I'm writing about this? If so, congratulations for stumbling upon this gem of a blog… Today has been especially bad in a lot of ways, and I finally began to put two and two together. I hope that's the reason for everything anyway.
This last year + has been chalked full of a lot of emotions and reasons or excuses to fail at this new way of life. Still, I've persevered. Now, here I am, in a really great place in so many ways - and I have fallen off. It makes no sense. Why now? I don't want to over exaggerate things, in the sense that I've completely shit the bed…because I'm aware of what I'm eating - aware of my food choice. I'm just making the wrong ones, time after time. It's not like it was before, but I'm a stones throw away from that life I led for so long. The holidays are tough for me, being so far away from so many that I love so much. I long for family and my close friends. I long for that feeling of comfortableness around those people, no matter what is going on. I made it through last year, though without eating this poorly. I've been really lucky in that I'm only up one pound, but that can easily turn to 5, 10, and so on. I'm not quite sure why I haven't gained more than that pound, to be quite frank. It's not just the food…I've been drinking so much more than I normally do. I usually drink wine once a week, sometimes twice. I drank every single day last week, even after getting home so late. I never drink late, but I would get home and finally have a moment and everything would come flooding upon me. I didn't drink a lot, but it wasn't until Sunday that I realized I'd been drinking every night.
I've been working hard to pull myself through whatever this is. I have done a few things these past couple of weeks that have really fed my soul. Still, just like everything…I feel like I'm not doing enough. I have made it a point to spend time with friends, even seeing people I hadn't in quite a while. Those things make me feel good. I want to hold onto all of this. I need this touch of sadness that has tackled me to go away…
I continue to workout and push my body beyond what I believe its capabilities are. There have been nights like tonight, though, when I had every intention on going to the gym. I bought into being so tired, and needing a break (I've had plenty lately), that instead I picked up Mexican food and poured a glass of wine. I know I would've felt better, by going to the gym.
Okay…I've let out enough…thank you for baring with me. I just feel like I'm drowning and this is my way of throwing myself a life ring.
My Mom will be out here on Monday, to spend the holidays with us. I'm so very excited about this. I don't think I've spent an actual Christmas day with her, since I was 19. I'm pumped that the boys will have her here, too. I'll be taking a week off over the holiday, as well. It will be great to have some real time to visit. I think it will be really good to be away from work for a while, too. I'm hoping this break goes a long way in getting me back on track.
I'll leave you with the song, Heavy. I couldn't write about this song before…because well, it is too Heavy. The lyrics explain so much of what I go through in really bad times. Right now, is not one those really bad times, but still..some of those things in my head are there and sabotaging how good things are. This song feels like it was written for me. Every single lyric speaks to me. It was especially difficult to take in, when the lead singer on this song killed himself. Yeah. Uh, that's a head trip. Anyway, if you don't know it- maybe you'll find something you relate to in it, or it will remind you of someone you love and their struggles. It's not like I make the choice to let my mind stay so fucking messy.
Here's to tomorrow. May it be a healthy day for us, in every way.
~Jen
This last year + has been chalked full of a lot of emotions and reasons or excuses to fail at this new way of life. Still, I've persevered. Now, here I am, in a really great place in so many ways - and I have fallen off. It makes no sense. Why now? I don't want to over exaggerate things, in the sense that I've completely shit the bed…because I'm aware of what I'm eating - aware of my food choice. I'm just making the wrong ones, time after time. It's not like it was before, but I'm a stones throw away from that life I led for so long. The holidays are tough for me, being so far away from so many that I love so much. I long for family and my close friends. I long for that feeling of comfortableness around those people, no matter what is going on. I made it through last year, though without eating this poorly. I've been really lucky in that I'm only up one pound, but that can easily turn to 5, 10, and so on. I'm not quite sure why I haven't gained more than that pound, to be quite frank. It's not just the food…I've been drinking so much more than I normally do. I usually drink wine once a week, sometimes twice. I drank every single day last week, even after getting home so late. I never drink late, but I would get home and finally have a moment and everything would come flooding upon me. I didn't drink a lot, but it wasn't until Sunday that I realized I'd been drinking every night.
I've been working hard to pull myself through whatever this is. I have done a few things these past couple of weeks that have really fed my soul. Still, just like everything…I feel like I'm not doing enough. I have made it a point to spend time with friends, even seeing people I hadn't in quite a while. Those things make me feel good. I want to hold onto all of this. I need this touch of sadness that has tackled me to go away…
I continue to workout and push my body beyond what I believe its capabilities are. There have been nights like tonight, though, when I had every intention on going to the gym. I bought into being so tired, and needing a break (I've had plenty lately), that instead I picked up Mexican food and poured a glass of wine. I know I would've felt better, by going to the gym.
Okay…I've let out enough…thank you for baring with me. I just feel like I'm drowning and this is my way of throwing myself a life ring.
My Mom will be out here on Monday, to spend the holidays with us. I'm so very excited about this. I don't think I've spent an actual Christmas day with her, since I was 19. I'm pumped that the boys will have her here, too. I'll be taking a week off over the holiday, as well. It will be great to have some real time to visit. I think it will be really good to be away from work for a while, too. I'm hoping this break goes a long way in getting me back on track.
I'll leave you with the song, Heavy. I couldn't write about this song before…because well, it is too Heavy. The lyrics explain so much of what I go through in really bad times. Right now, is not one those really bad times, but still..some of those things in my head are there and sabotaging how good things are. This song feels like it was written for me. Every single lyric speaks to me. It was especially difficult to take in, when the lead singer on this song killed himself. Yeah. Uh, that's a head trip. Anyway, if you don't know it- maybe you'll find something you relate to in it, or it will remind you of someone you love and their struggles. It's not like I make the choice to let my mind stay so fucking messy.
Here's to tomorrow. May it be a healthy day for us, in every way.
~Jen
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