I've been trying suuuupppper hard to keep it all together lately.  Can't you tell?  Truth is 90% of the time, I've been completely overwhelmed and disappointed.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm having a pity party.  But as my therapist says, "it's well deserved."  While the past month has had some really positive things, which is what I try to focus on, I've really taken some big blows.  I've taken blows from those I never would've thought I'd take them from (friends and family).  I'm left wondering how to move forward within these relationships.  That saying keeps going over and over in my head: don't cross oceans for those who wouldn't cross a puddle for you.  I know this sounds very self indulgent, and I agree: it is.  But really, I think I'm attracted to selfish people.  I've realized this for quite some time, but lately it's really caught up with me.  Of course, I'm not talking about all of the people in my life, but I am referring to some people who have played big parts in my life.  I know right now is not the best time to make any permanent decisions, as I'm hella overwhelmed and sad right now.  But, moving forward, I hope I do remember how I've felt lately and adjust accordingly.  How's that?....  Yep.  I'm trying to put myself first.  Tired of feeling like this.

The moving truck arrived today.  We have it until Wed.  We'll then have a nearly 1 1/2 weeks without our stuff.  The timing of the truck is really kind of messy.  We had to take it a week earlier than we planned to have it get there, for the first of the month.  This caught us off-guard and our whole plan kinda went to hell and a hand basket.  Because we'll be without our belongings for so long, I think we are going over to Spokane to spend a few days with my sisters on our way out to IL.  It's on the way.  I think we might also stop by and see my friend Kara.  She's living in MT, but is just about to move to Anchorage.  It would be nice to stay a night with her family.  Kara really does have the greatest family.  GD I love her husband, Phil.  We have always gotten along so well.  I just saw them over the 4th, and it had been way too long.  So, hopefully we'll be able to get some nice visits in on our way out there.  The move is simply too expensive to take the kids to any big events on our way out.  Plus, I won't be working....again....  To say that I'm stressed about the finances of it all, is an understatement.  I'm not sure if I mentioned that we finally got a house.  It's a much, much bigger house than we wanted, but literally, it was all there was.  We were actually lucky, as numerous people wanted to rent it, and he chose us.  So, I'm glad we have a place, but at the same time, I really didn't want to spend that kind of money on something we really don't need.  It's even on an acre.  Taking care of that place, is going to keep us very busy....

Life is a roller coaster.  I know this.  When I get to feeling so down, it's so hard to see out of.  I've been trying, though.  The Vancouver trip was a nice distraction.  I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, but I know it's there.  And trust me, I know if could always be worse.  I even get guilt for being down, because I'm well aware that there's real things out there that are unimaginable.  I have a healthy family, and I'm so very grateful for that.  I'm not sure if I've ever put the song, She Keeps Me Warm on here.  The end when she sings about, "I'm Not Crying on Sundays" is real.  She's manic...and I love that she has tried to make this rule for herself.  I think it's a beautiful love song, but what gets me is that ending.  I've made it to this point of the day without of having a breakdown...so for that I'm proud.  Today, there's no crying on Friday's.  Well, until later after my friend Julie and I have drank up my expensive wine (because I don't want to keep moving it).  Yep, we'll be drinking the wine out of Red Solo cup, I'm sure.  She'll make me sad about moving, and I'll end up crying.  Sounds like fun, huh?!  But she's helping me pack, which is awesome...and so appreciated...  It will be fun and productive, until it isn't.  haha.

Oh, I must mention something that made me cry happy tears yesterday.  My friend Misty text me, without knowing anything about how the move is coming or my state of mind, and said to let her know if I wanted help moving.  She said she'd take a day off of work.  At a point, where it felt as if nobody cared, she was a bright light.  It's a reminder of the power that we can have on people.  Being nice to someone is easy for us, and it can impact them more than we know.  Misty made my heart smile in the midst of a couple of days of horrible pain.  Thank God for her and people like that in this world.

Have a wonderful weekend!
Jen

"She Keeps Me Warm"

She
says I smell like safety and home
I named both of her eyes “Forever” and
“Please don’t go”
I could be a morning sunrise all the time, all the time
yeah
This could be good, this could be good

And I can’t change, even
if I tried
Even if I wanted to
And I can’t change, even if I tried

Even if I wanted to
My love, my love, my love, my love
She keeps me
warm, she keeps me warm

What’s your middle name?
Do you hate your
job?
Do you fall in love too easily?
What’s your favorite word?
You
like kissing girls?
Can I call you baby?
Yeah, yeah

She says
that people stare ‘cuz we look so good together
Yeah, yeah, yeah

And
I can’t change, even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
And I can’t change,
even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love, my love, my love, my
love
She keeps me warm, she keeps me warm [x2]

I’m not crying
on Sundays, I’m not crying on Sundays [x2]
Love is patient, love is
kind [x4]
My love, my love, my love, my love
She keeps me warm,
she keeps me warm

Vancouver came and went all too quickly.  We drove over on Sat., and came back the next day.  We packed as much as possible into our short stay, though. 
We were able to visit with Brian’s family, and also Brian and I were able to hang out with our friends.  Brian saw an arena league football game with his best friend, and I met Nurse Kristy for dinner on the Columbia River.  I’ll never get tired of that view.  From there, we met friends out for a night of karaoke.  I wanted a small group, and I think it was just right. I was able to visit with everyone, and even though I was dead tired, we made it to nearly closing.  My
friend Cookie (nickname) and I sang Lady by the Little River Band.  As I explained to Brian: it’s my signature tune.  This is funny, because I can’t sing…AT ALL.  I shouldn’t have a signature tune.  Our group of 5 girls also sang, Lost in Love by Air Supply.  Let me tell you, that was a hot mess!  But it was lots of fun, and something we’ll all surely remember.  The  next morning Brian’s Grandma made us all French toast.  On our way out of town, we went to visit my friend Jo and take a dip in her pool.  Jo has been a very dear friend of mine for many, many years, and I’m so glad we were able to say goodbye.  She’s a good egg, that one.  The boys shed many tears, but I think they handled it better than the first go around.  Not by much…but it breaks my heart to see them sad, so I’ll take it.  So, other than getting to go in Jo’s pool, they were also spoiled rotten the rest of the day.  I hate moving them…  They both want this move, but it’s still hard for them knowing they won’t be seeing Brian’s family any time soon.

Saying goodbye to the few friends I saw over there, proved much harder than I thought it would be. I know I’ve been really distant in a lot of ways lately, but knowing there will be so much more space between us got to me.  No, no…I didn’t cry, but dang it was close.  I’ve been in such a funk for so long, that it’s hasn’t been easy for me to really enjoy the friendships I have.  Going to Vancouver was a really nice reminder of how lucky I am.

I’m doubling up on therapy again this week.  I figured I would, since I don’t plan on going once we get out to IL.  My therapist is exceptional, and it’s so hard to start over again.  Therapy has always been really hard for me.  Last week I had it back-to-back days.  Holy shit did it wipe me out!  I go into tonight knowing I need it, but not wanting to do it, at the same time.  I’m just wondering why in the hell I’m not fixed by now!  This time around has been really eye opening, though.  I’m going through something right now, that I’m handling better than I would have in the past.  I do have therapy to thank for that…  Just maybe, one of these days my self-esteem just won’t be so terrible… 
I can only hope.

Speaking of self-esteem… As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I’m at my heaviest weight.  My recent trips have really brought that fact to my attention.  I’m not mobile like I was….I LOOK like my weight….and I just don’t feel well.  So, today I’ve made some baby steps.  I won’t even repeat it, because you’ll be like, uh, that’s not really anything, but I’m happy that I came back from this 1 day in Vancouver, ready to make some changes. I realize that the move will likely keep me from tackling this thing 100%, but I feel better even making small changes right now.  Once we get out to IL, I’m ready to make my commitment….  I have to.  I honestly feel like I’m going to leave Brian a widower and my children motherless. The obesity will kill me, one way or another.  I feel good, that I can actually say, right now, that I’m ready to fight
for my life. And my right to party.  Haha….

I hope you all are having a wonderful day.  I wish nothing but the best for
you.

Jen

Here’s my “signature tune.”

"Lady"


Look
around you, look up here
Take time to make time, make time to be there

Look around, be a part
Feel for the winter, but don't have a cold
heart

And I love you best
You're not like the rest
You're there
when I need you
You're there when I need
I'm gonna need you

A
long time ago I had a lady to love
She made me think of things I never
thought of
Now she's gone and I'm on my own
A love song has come into my
mind
A love song, it was there all the time

So, lady, let me take a
look at you now
You're there on the dance floor making me want you
somehow
Oh, lady, I think it's only fair I should say to you
Don't be
thinking that I don't want you, 'cause maybe I do

Look around, come to
me
I have no answers, but know where I wanna be
I look around, play a
part
I was born in the winter and cooled by a warm heart

And I love
you best
You're not like the rest
You're there when I need you

You're there when I need
I'm gonna need you

So, lady, let me take a
look at you now
You're there on the dance floor making me want you
somehow
Oh, lady, I think it's only fair I should say to you
Don't be
thinking that I don't want you, 'cause maybe I do
Don't be thinking that I
don't want you, lady, I do 

First thing's first, I'm the realist (realist)
Drop this and let the whole
world feel it (let them feel it)
And I'm still in the Murda Bizness
I
could hold you down, like I'm givin' lessons in physics (right, right)
You
should want a bad bitch like this (huh?)
Drop it low and pick it up just
like this (yeah)
Cup of Ace, cup of Goose, cup of Cris
High heels,
somethin' worth a half a ticket on my wrist (on my wrist)
Takin' all the
liquor straight, never chase that (never)
Rooftop like we bringin' '88 back
(what?)
Bring the hooks in, where the bass at?
Champagne spillin', you
should taste that

[Chorus: Charli XCX]
I'm so fancy
You
already know
I'm in the fast lane
From L.A. to Tokyo
I'm so
fancy
Can't you taste this gold?
Remember my name
'Bout to
blow

[Verse 2: Iggy Azalea]
I said, "Baby, I do this, I
thought that you knew this."
Can't stand no haters and honest, the truth
is
And my flow retarded, each beat did depart it
Swagger on stupid, I
can't shop in no department
To get my money on time, if they not money,
decline
And swear I meant that there so much that they give that line a
rewind
So get my money on time, if they not money, decline
I just can't
worry 'bout no haters, gotta stay on my grind
Now tell me, who that, who
that? That do that, do that?
Put that paper over all, I thought you knew
that, knew that
I be the I-G-G-Y, put my name in bold
I been working,
I'm up in here with some change to throw

[Chorus: Charli XCX]

I'm so fancy
You already know
I'm in the fast lane
From L.A. to
Tokyo
I'm so fancy
Can't you taste this gold?
Remember my name

'Bout to blow

[Bridge: Charli XCX]
Trash the hotel
Let's
get drunk on the mini bar
Make the phone call
Feels so good getting what
I want
Yeah, keep on turning it up
Chandelier swinging, we don't give a
fuck
Film star, yeah I'm deluxe
Classic, expensive, you don't get to
touch
Ow...

[Verse 3: Iggy Azalea]
Still stuntin', how you
love that?
Got the whole world asking how I does that
Hot girl, hands
off, don't touch that
Look at it I bet you wishing you could clutch that

It's just the way you like it, huh?
You so good, he's just wishing he could
bite it, huh?
Never turn down money,
Slaying these hoes, gold trigger on
the gun like

[Chorus: Charli XCX]
I'm so fancy
You already
know
I'm in the fast lane
From L.A. to Tokyo
I'm so fancy
Can't
you taste this gold?
Remember my name
'Bout to
blow

[Outro:]
Who that, who that, I-G-G-Y
That do that, do
that, I-I-G-G-Y
Who that, who that, I-I-I-G-G-Y
Blow


Who-who-who-who that, who that, I-G-G-Y
That do that, do that, I-I-G-G-Y

Who that, who that, I-I-I-G-G-Y
Blow