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Diariesofafatass.com

Giving Thanks

11/19/2018

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We made it to the short week! I'm awfully pumped for someone who has only been back at work for 2 weeks + 1 day. I really thought I was ready to return to work, although I knew it wouldn't be easy. I'd done some hiking and pushed myself in a lot of ways. Still, nothing could prepare me for full days without my neck having rest. I work with dual screens, which certainly hasn't helped the situation. Plus, the added tension that comes with working didn't help my cause. There were a couple of nights in that first week, when I'd head to bed and my legs literally buckled underneath me. There was nothing left to give. Last week was a little better. I started spending my lunch hours in my car with the seat reclined, just getting some much needed rest during the day. 

I also have physical therapy 2-3x a week in the evening. Holy shit balls.... I will say tonight was the easiest for me to get through. I've been wanting to write for some time now, but I knew I couldn't possibly do it after p/t, and look at me...writing and don't look now - may even staying up past 8. Myofascial release has been huge in my recovery. I missed it last Wed after having major electrical issues in my vehicle (that only has 40,000 miles). It was a harrowing ride home, and I could feel everything was like a knot afterward, and I should have just shown up late to p/t and had her just do the massage part - but I chose a glass/es of wine instead. Anyway, slowly but surely I am improving. Yesterday, I didn't even think about limitations and did a shit ton of cleaning and cooking. It felt so good to have the house look so nice. Last night, my whole body ached and was worried I was sick. I went to bed really early (shocking...), but this morning I felt much better. I then realized I had done too much yesterday, but I wouldn't change a thing. It was another step toward feeling human.

Lately, I've noticed there have been times when I've felt like my old self. I had to take pause and think about it, because it has been so long since I've been myself- I'm not really sure what that looks like. I had a year where I dealt with trauma and went right into last November when I started to realize that I wasn't feeling right. This past year my physical issues have dominated me. I can sum up the past two years with trauma/reaction and ailments, but thank God that isn't the whole story. There has been a lot of good in there, too. I've just let the other crap control too much. So, although I've lost parts of me along the way, and there are injuries emotional and physical that I'm still working through - I haven't lost all of me. Hopefully, I've left some of the things behind - that needed to go. We all have to choose how to deal with life. I wish I were better at dealing with things, than I am - but I am getting much better at it. I've learned to accept myself in more ways and embrace who I am. I am especially grateful to see some parts of me return, and am grateful, that I get to appreciate them more. This might all sounds like complete self-absorption, but you must understand - I needed that....I put too many people in front of myself. Honest, to God I do. I started to wonder, if I had actually given every piece of me away.
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On may way home tonight from physical therapy, I drove past where boot camp is being held. This happens often, and how I've accepted it has changed. In the beginning, all I could think about is, I bet I can return next week or month or whatever fairy tale I would tell myself. Now, I am much more realistic about things. I would love to be able to return in January, but I have a long fucking way to go before I'll be ready for anything like that. I hope I am, but I can't beat myself up if I'm not there yet. My body hasn't like that fact that I had a neck fusion. I know it takes time...I kept hearing that...but of course I thought I could beat the timelines, and that won't happen.

A picture the family and I took last year for our Christmas card, came up on my timehop this morning. I was really happy to see it. It took me back to that moment, of the 4 of use (with all but Ryne being anything but photogenic) trying to get a decent picture. We had some good laughs. I wasn't at the weight I wanted yet - probably 10 pounds away, but I was satisfied with where I was. Fast forward a year, and there has been a lot of weight put on. The first 45 years of my life, I would have beat the shit out of myself for how I let myself get over this past year. The 46 year old is much more compassionate. I'm not happy, at all, with where I am, but I am making small changes to fix it, and those will lead to big changes. More than anything, I'm so glad that looking at that photo wasn't all about my weight (it was the first family photo we'd taken since the boys were small because of my weight...), it was about going back to that moment an Ryne trying to hug and kiss Brian who was trying to get away. For me, this is huge progress and undoubtedly a result of learning to get through so much this past couple of years.

My family is in Seattle or headed to, as I type. We are having a family reunion. I couldn't go, as I really couldn't miss work after being out for so long. As it got closer, I did look into actually flying in on Thanksgiving morning and returning Sunday. It would just be me and the boys, as Brian has to work, and they can't get out of holiday work. Brian was supportive in us going, but then I returned to work and realized just how hard functioning like that was. I knew the trip would take a toll, and I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. Nobody wants to go to something like that - when they aren't quite themselves. I am really sad, but have worked hard on focussing on the positives of being home. I made our Thanksgiving dinner last night and we had another family come over. It was also a nice little celebration of buying our house 3 years ago. The boys and I will spend Thanksgiving day at a friend's house. I will also have a Thanksgiving dinner at another friend's the following day (Brian will be working and our h.s. football team has made the state championship, and the boys will be travelling to the game for marching band). I'll also get a little shopping in that day. I will also be doing our local Turkey Trot. I've had anxieties about doing it alone and undoubtedly coming in last - by A LOT, but I told a coworker I'd signed up (without telling her any of my anxieties) and she said it sounded fun and asked if she could do it with me. Another friend later said she wanted to walk it with me, which really made me feel good - as she is a runner. This Turkey Trot....means a lot to me....it's a new start. It may still be 2018, but I'm starting my new year now. This calendar year is going to end on a great note.

I may not be able to travel to see my family this weekend, but I have had plans to meet a friend in Florida the following weekend. She has a condo down there and has already rented a car. I bought the insurance on the ticket, just in case I thought I couldn't do it, but I won't do that to her - or me. The flight isn't too long, and it's only  a weekend. The sun, sand, and beach will do me good, but more than anything, having a weekend with Nurse Kristy will be just what the Dr. ordered. I am someone who normally thrives on adventures and first, and with this being my first time to Florida there would be a lot to see and do. However, for this trip, all I picture is just good, quality time with a close friend. We'll probably spend most of our time in just chatting and drinking wine. NK is the easiest going person and will totally understand I can't be my more adventurous self right now, and will just appreciate me being there. I miss just hanging out with friends and enjoying a night of talk and wine. I'm very much looking forward to this.

I know, I know....this is a long post, but I really need write about this. There was a lot of hurt with some people not being there after the surgery or things that went along with it. People I've always tried to be there for. I know, this is life. We are not all the same in how we reach out, etc. Time heals a lot of those wounds. But with this, there is the opposite also. Some friends were there in huge ways, and I never could have expected that. I will always remember them for this. In my time of need, they were there. When I returned to work, our receptionist, said she had a card for me - that H.R. wouldn't give her my address. I've only worked here a few months, but this woman, is truly the kindest, most caring person I've ever met. I think anyone that is ever in her presence feels it. She had told me that she prayed for me every morning and evening, "Whenever I get to "J", I pray for Jennifer." Yes, this woman prays for someone in every letter of the alphabet! Anyway, she gave me the sweetest card, and a $50 Visa gift card. I was floored...it was completely unnecessary, but I know it made her feel good to do it. It brings tears to me eyes, just thinking of it. I promised her I would use it on something just for me - and I'm going to get new sunglasses before my Florida trip. We all can't be as kind as this woman is in every day of her life, but it just reiterates how we have the power to turn someone's day around by simple gestures. I'd received a card in the mail from my department while I was out. I thought H. R. provided them with a card, but when I returned, I heard the story about how this guy (who started a month after me) brought in the card and went around to everyone making sure they signed it for "Jenny," and also heard about how much he asked about how I was doing after the surgery. Again, he was that dude. The dude we can all be. We all have just this one life. I hope we make it the kind of life we can be proud of.

I hope you have a wonderful week and Holiday. -and hopefully you find your local Turkey Trot. It's a great way start the day. 

I'll leave you with a song I absolutely love off of Brandi Carlile's newest album. I like her solo version better, because I'm a sucker for an original, but she put this out with Sam Smith - and that dude can sing, too. Together, they are magical.

​~Jen
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Reasons to Believe

11/1/2018

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Happy Thursday - here's hoping you were able to steal of few pieces of candy from your kids! I mean, it's not healthy, so you're really just looking out for them. We started the night with 300 mini candy bars. (Okay…maybe 290 after Cal and I hit it). We ended the night with 6. The last trick-or-treater asked if he could just take the rest of our candy (some big balls for an eight year old). I guess I should've said yes, as one of the boys ended up eating them after their bedtime anyway. It was a fun night of sipping wine while watching all the kids run around with huge smiles on their faces. It was little bit of a bummer, as it was my first official year without either of my kids going. As much as I'd love it, I guess they can't stay little forever. With a senior and a freshman, that has been hitting me hard lately.

I met with the surgeon last week and finally was cleared to get rid of the God forsaken brace. As happy as I was to throw it in the dumpster, there were a lot of nerves (no pun intended) as well. That brace had held my head in place and up for six weeks. Removing it, meant muscles that hadn't been used in a long time, suddenly had to work. My neck does did not turn much at all, and my neck has been crazy sore, but there is a night and day difference between yesterday and today. There were a lot of good things that came out of the appointment, and anything that wasn't great - I'm choosing to not acknowledge. I will focus on the good and will get through it all. I am confident in that.  I've been cleared to go back to work on Monday. I will have been off of work, nearly 2 months. For a time, the weeks were the longest of my life, to suddenly - shit that went by quickly.

I have physical therapy 3x a week as I try to get back to some normalcy. I've had enough p/t over the past two years, to last the rest of my life - but this stint is by far the hardest. I'm so much weaker than I thought it was. It's like starting over with so many things. In addition to being in the brace, there were a lot of muscles that hadn't been used for quite some time leading up to the surgery - my neck just wasn't working. So, I'm getting my ass handed to me on things that don't even use weight. It's crazy. I really underestimated this whole journey, but I am giving this recovery all I have. On top of p/t, there are exercises I have to do 3x day. I've also really been trying to get steps in. I have definitely over done it a few times, and I have to reel myself back in with the walking at times, but I'm really proud of that part of it all. The plate in my neck is solid, so walking a lot isn't going to hurt anything, but I've gone as far as my body will let me at times. It's still in healing mode and my body has its limits.

There is the physical scar from the surgery and a couple emotional scars as well. Thank God, they are all beginning to fade. Time and distance from the ugliness of surgery and the place it can take you, will hopefully all go away one day. In an effort to move forward with everything (and finally being in a place physically to do it), there have been a couple of outings. Tuesday night, a friend and I decided that day - that we were going to see Theresa Caputo (the Long Island Medium) speak. I think I may have mentioned before, that getting ill, made me aware that some people may really have this gift. We lucked out with front row tickets and a lot of the readings were done right (literally) next to us. (My friend said I should've worn my neck brace, so she would come talk to me- haha!) Hearing Theresa bring peace and comfort to so many that were hurting was really a neat experience. She did come up to me right at the end and say, "Wasn't I going to talk to you?" I thought she was, because she made definite eye contact with me several times, but then the lady directly behind me, said it was her, and she got the reading.  She needed it more than me. One thing about being right in the middle of the action was, my friend and I were on the jumbotron A LOT. Let me tell you…..I was not pretty. I just kept thinking I look really fucking tired and fat…..I don't think the jumbotron does many people a lot of favors, but it wasn't easy to take in. I look tired, because I am. Sleeping doesn't go well, because I toss and turn, and I have a neck that's in constant pain - so I wake up often. It's hard to put together any good stretches of sleep. The weight…well, it is a lot higher than I wish it was. I finally got on the scale yesterday morning and only because I had a Dr. appointment later in the day and wanted to know. Honestly, I thought it would be much worse than it is. I might be up a few pounds from before the surgery, but going into it I wasn't happy with my weight. I take comfort in the fact, that living a more normal life is getting easier, and I'm making some better decisions now. It's also nice to be moving more. I'm excited to really get after this.

I met one of my very favorite people for lunch today. She's one of those people who always make me feel great about everything in my life. It's like she has a superpower and is so wonderful about spreading that around to so many. We are able to share whatever is going in our lives and try and work through our insecurities together. She ended our lunch date with, "The next time we meet, maybe we'll be able to figure it all out." I said, " Well, we didn't make any fucking progress today but maybe with help of wine - next time we'll solve all of the world's problems." So, here's to all of us and figuring it all out one step at a time. We are all in this together. Let's be the person that helps one another though it all. Cheers!

I'll leave you with a song I've heard tons of times over the years. Probably when it was released in the 70's and my mom had KSTK playing in the living room and again when it was re-released (I believe my junior year of h.s.) when Rod did it Unplugged. It's so funny how the meaning of music or how much the melody can speak to us in different ways over the years. I heard this recently and fell in love with it all over again. I bought it (yes, I'm probably the only person on the planet who still buys music on iTunes) when I recently made the CDs for my friend. Thank God for making CDs for other people, because I'm too cheap to purchase music otherwise. I do, however, keep a list of music I want on my phone, and then when it's mixed tape time, I'll finally break down and get it. Enjoy.
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~Jen
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    Jen

    Age 47
    Married 24 years
    2 boys, 18 & 15
    email: [email protected]


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