This week has really kicked my ass.  I mean...really...kicked...my....ass.  I honestly found myself in a postion where I just couldn't handle everything that was coming my way.  My head is overwhelmed unlike in ways it never has been before.  So, I'm trying to process how I can go through life without having bouts of depression like what was sprung on me this week.  Per my last post, I found myself dealing one day by having a few beers during the week.  That night my friend called me, and I just unloaded on all of these things.  I woke up the next day (having only had 4 beers over probably 4 hours) with a terrible headache, and realizing I didn't do myself any justice by drinking.  Not to mention a couple of snarky comments I made toward her which I normally wouldn't have done.  The next day I was still a mess, and found myself drinking 3 beers over the course of 4 hours or so.  No, the beer doesn't help, but when I get like that, I'm just looking for anything that will take the anxiety away.  Thursday I made myself be present in the best way I could.  I made the boys dinner and cleaned up the kitchen.  I then came up to rest for a few minutes and found myself asleep before 7....  Friday night everyone went out from work.  For a while, I was having a total blast.  But then mother fucker...it hit.  I just started crying.  I couldn't quit crying.  Hell, I was even crying because I knew I couldn't drive but I didn't want to cry in front of everyone.  That night became one of the worst night's I've ever had.  I thank God for H.P. who was there for me and always makes me feel less crazy.  Anyway, I hate, hate, hate the feelings I've had this week.  So....  I now know that I absolutely can't drink on these meds.  But I know even being on the meds drove me to want to drink....  I'm going to meet with my Dr. this week, and I'd like to get off the meds.  I'd like to keep a smaller amt of the anxiety meds, but I want to get rid of the antidepressants.  I need to tackle this with diet and exercise.  Clearly the pills haven't been the most effective thing for me.  It's been a while now...  I guess I just need to find out who I am...  I've been on the pills too long, and I've never felt good about taking them.  I'm not stupid.  I know I've got some sort of a chemical imbalance, and with family history a huge predisposition to depression.  But I haven't always been this bad.  I need to find an organic way to approach this.  So, that's what this week will be for me...  And I'll try to do this without stressing myself out too bad about the fact that we now have a date for my friend's 40th birthday.  I'm pretty sure 7 weeks isn't enough time to lose 70 lbs....  But this week has to be about one foot in front of the other....  Wish me luck!

Here's hoping you all have a wonderful week.

Jen
Oh, here's my stand-by, identify with

Well, it's Tuesday, and I must admit: today isn't my favorite day.  There's really no particular reason why today sucks, but you know how those days are.  You think about things that you shouldn't think about.  You dwell on stupid shit.  In a nutshell, I've ruined my day, but I don't know why.  Maybe I just wanted to be cranky?  As I said, it's Tuesday and I've got a Coors Light in me. It won't be the only one, either. I can't remember the last time I drank during the week.  I don't plan on getting ripped chicken or anything, but I'll try to drink like a normal person that just wants to take the edge off.  I'm listening to music and burning c.d.'s.  iTunes got a lot of my money tonight.  The mix I made goes from new stuff to Bread to Wham...  I get that not everyone can appreciate the brilliance that comes with this style of mix.  :) Back to my shitty mood.  You know it could be caused by the -something degrees outside...  I haven't been this cold since the last couple of times I visited Fairbanks.  I remember stepping off the jet one time, and my boogers turned to ice and my lungs burned.  Today I felt my lungs burn the same way.  Good times....

Yesterday I had a really great day of eating.  I was really proud of this, especially since the day started with a bad weigh in.  I'd only lost 14 oz. over the
week.  Man was I frustrated.  Although I did a ton right last week, I did a lot wrong, too. So, I'm trying to keep a positive spin on it and be happy about the fact that a lot of fruits and veggies went through me, and I stayed away from fast food and Pepsi.  Yesterday was fantastic, but today wasn't so great.  I
didn't eat much early in the day, as my mood really just soured me to almost
everything.  A work/friend came by and asked me to go to lunch about 12:30. 
We had a really nice time, but I did have a veggie omelet, with home fries and pancakes....  Yeah, not good.  So, Coors Light is my dinner tonight.  I know that doesn't sound good...beer for dinner, but it's better than pork, or is it chicken? 
Crap, that ruins the joke...  I think it's, Pork: it's what's for dinner.  One of my favorite people on this planet actually does drink beer for dinner.  She drinks Michelob Ultra.  She's very fit and slim.  It worries me that she does this, and she knows this, but she's a big girl and can make her own choices.  I'm sure she's worried about me being a fat pig, too.  We just don't give each other shit about it.

Listening to Natalie Maines version of "Mother" now.  It's really growing on
me.  I absolutely adore her voice.  And "Mother" is one of my favorite Pink Floyd songs.  Another song that just grew on me...actually today is: "This Girl Is On Fire," which is on now.  Anyway, back to Natalie Maines.  I don't have many reoccurring dreams, but one that I do have is that I'm either bff's with
Natalie, sometimes Marty, or it's all 3 of them.  Yeah, kind of like I'm their 4th
DCX.  They let me play tambourine and such.  So, Tom Arnold was on Stern the other day talking about how he always had this dream that he would be friends with Robin Williams. And what do you know...10 years later they became great friends and Tom knew all of these famous people whom he idolized.  I love that. I know I'm crazy...I guess now I know just how crazy: Tom Arnold crazy.

Okay, I've got 2 beers now, which to me = buzz.  So, I'll think of some sort of game to play with myself (get your head out of the gutter...but I like where you're going with that).  Okay, if I had a day all to myself what would my perfect day look like (it has to be by myself, though).  I know I'll forget a million things but here goes.  I'd wake up at some lovely cabin in the mountains somewhere with big windows so I can overlook the lake out the front.  It's a beautiful sun shiny, warm day.  I'd make some tea, and sit out on the deck and let the breeze come over me, while I watched the birds and other wildlife.  After a while, I'd make myself a nice little lunch and take the canoe out for a ride, and I'd find a spot with all of those birds like in the "Notebook."  I'd feed them bread (this is my fantasy, so I'll pretend bread isn't bad for them) and take loads of pictures.  After spending a couple of hours on the water, I'd go back to the cabin and crank some music while getting ready to go "into town."  On my way into town there would be a really cool zip line thing.  I'd swallow my fears and ride that thing while seeing one of the greatest views in the world.  It'd now be getting close to dinner time, so I'd go find myself some fancy little pub (I've gotta be like in Aspen or something).  I'd order a sampler plate and a nice micro brew.  I'd kick around for a while in town checking out the shops, etc. until I heard a cool karaoke bar down the street.  I'd go check it out and get invited to sit with a really fun group of people.  There would be phenomenal
singers there, and I'd just continue to take it all in.  Ah, that was fun.  When I
think of a great day, I don't think I've ever thought of that scenario before.  But it sounds....nice.

Alright, I'm about to grab a third beer.  And let me tell you from experience, drinking and blogging don't mix
:)


Hope you all have a fantastic night,


Jen

One thing I've learned in watching music videos lately, is that the 80's seem to be making a big comeback.  The clothes, the looks, they're all eerily familiar. 
I don't get why that would come back in style. I mean...we do look back at our yearbooks and think WTF?!  Not that I'm one bit of a fashionista, but I think I've got to sit this one out.  Now, if I could fit into my old clothes from the late 80's, I'd probably rethink that.  How great would it to be, yeah, these are my stirrups from h.s.?

Yesterday ended up being a super lazy day.  It really was nice.  Brian and I even took a nap together.  Really, a real nap, with nothing else.  Later that night, I
was lounging around in the room, and Cal came in with one excuse or another to lay down with me and Ryne soon followed suit.   Ryne never hangs out with us like that. We all laid down on the bed and watched Blades of Glory.  Thank God for stupid humor!  Love that kinda stuff.  It was a really nice night.  Brian let Cal sleep in here with me, and we both slept really well.  Cal's not a great sleeper, either, and I desperately needed a good sleep.

Sunday's here, and I hate that I keep thinking that we have to go to work tomorrow.  Ugh.  I need to put it out of mind and just enjoy the best of our day off.  Brian made french toast for the boys this morning (he does every Sunday).  It's their thing.  God forbid Brian ever try to get out of it, the boys don't let him off the hook.  I made myself a smoothie instead of having the french toast.  I also did 8 miles on the recumbent bike this morning.  Man, that felt good.  I
pushed myself harder on the resistance and went longer than the time it set.  It appears that the bike will only set itself for a 30 min. workout.  I tried to monkey around with it, but to no avail.  So, after my 30 mins was up I did my own type of workout.  I feel good. For many, that would just be a warm-up, but to me it's a huge step in the right direction.  My knee has been really feeling the
aftermath, though.  I feel it for quite a while after I get done with the bike.  That's not a good sign...  The bike is supposed to be easy on my knee.  I just pray that once I get some weight off my knee will start to feel better, but deep down I know I'm fucked.  I'm going to be cautious about my approach to working out, but I'm also not going to use this knee as an excuse not to do anything.  I'll push 'til I figure out my knee won't work.

I have the t.v. in the background with sound down, while I'm listening to iTunes.  I looked up a few minutes and there was something scrolling along the bottom of the screen about some music festival that was about an hour and a half from here. I haven't been to a concert since I've been out here.  Going to concerts is one of my absolute favorite things to do.  I've got to start looking into that stuff.  Now that I have a few friends out here, I've got no excuse to get out and start doing some of the things that I love.

Well, I guess I should get to juicing and making some soups.  That's the only
bummer about having a totally lazy Saturday: it makes for a busy Sunday. A good busy, though.  There's no place I'd rather be today, than here w/ my boys.

Wishing you all an "easy like Sunday Morning." -what I'm listening to now.

~Jen

8:30 
Smoothie (water, spinach, flax seed, banana, and frozen
strawberries)


9:30 
8 miles on recumbent bike

Ah, the weekend is here. Thank the good Lord above. What a crazy, busy week! Work was insane, and the boys schedules had me running ragged. It was a really good week, though. I finally started getting my ass in gear and on track. It hasn't been a perfect week of eating, but it's such a huge improvement over what I've done for so long that I'm really happy with myself. I've turned down the Chinese buffet (twice). I stayed away from the homemade desserts that end up in our lunchroom every single day. I didn't touch a Pepsi. I worked out in the morning on both Wednesday and Thursday. I don't think I've done 2 morning workouts back to back like that in many, many years. It really did feel good. My sleep was really screwy this week, so I'm especially proud of myself for making it work.
It's been really nice to have Marie going on this journey with me, too. Our offices are right next to each other, so we've got a support system, right there at work. We've talked a lot about what works for us and what our goals are. At one point, we even unzipped our pants and showed each other our tummy fat jiggle. It's going away.... We are truly excited to become the people we want to be. I'm so tired of sitting back and watching life pass me by. I've joined the game of life. My friend Laura wanted to take me to a nice Sushi dinner this week, and I actually let her. I'm not good about letting people do things for me like that. It was so nice and enjoyable to do something during the week like that. It was nice to have night where I wasn't running from work to get home to tackle everything for the boys. Laura is so fun to be around, and I'm so glad we got to hang out and do something out of the ordinary. I was also able to talk to lots of friends this week. I was present. I love it when that happens.
Nurse Kristy took the bull by the horns with my house this week. Her and Cookie have been taking care of things for me lately. Anyway, NK had the week off and made that long drive from her house to mine a few times this week. She had a friend come out and give an awesome quote on getting the carpets cleaned and has arranged for it all to be done. She also asked if I wanted to rent it as she knew someone who was needing a temporary place. The gal is really excited about the house and her and NK were spending their Friday night cleaning the house last night. When it comes to the house, I've just been burned over and over again so I've been stressed about the prospect of having someone in there again. But this gal is totally OCD, and I love that. As part of the deal, she's cleaning the whole thing. Even though NK didn't need to help out with that, she is. Wow... You can't ask anymore from someone like that. She did this all on her own. I never asked for anything. I got Cookie a key and Cookie got a hold of NK, and it all just went from there. It all seems so promising. I feel better having someone in there, than leaving it vacant. Plus, now I won't be paying for all of those utilities on a house that we aren't even in. In the end, hopefully this will all contribute to the house selling more quickly, too. The offer from December fell through. BofA has been a nightmare.... Anyway, this experience with NK and Cookie leaves my heart full. I could have never expected people to care about me so much and want to relieve my stress level like that. Good God, I'm so blessed when it comes to my friends.
Well, back to the excess weight.... This week I've really seen it. I mean I've really gotten it. I've stood in front of the mirror naked and really took it all in. It's so disgusting. I jiggled it and tried to take in every layer, roll, cellulite, and tried to imagine what my insides look like. When we have fat like that on the outside, the inside is much worse. Our organs are squished and not functioning to their full potential. I want it gone. I'm willing to work for it. I'm willing to work for me.
Brian and I actually got out together last night. I had to take half a day vacation to take Ryne to an ortho appointment, so I was home early. A friend/coworker had gotten a promotion, so our regular group was going out. I always love hanging out with them, but I'm always wishing Brian could be there with us. So, last night was a good opportunity. Once Brian got home, we headed out to Rochelle to meet up with everyone. Brian hadn't met a lot of them, so it was great to get them all together. We had an absolute blast. I really love being around my husband when we are free from all responsibilities. God, it was nice for us both just to let loose. Brian's not always the most social guy, but he dove right in last night. It was the most fun we've had in quite a while. Last night was one of the few times since being out here, that I was grateful for our experience of living in IL. I know this isn't where we'll be forever, but we have really met some wonderful people here. Our kids absolutely love their schools, and Brian and I are both fortunate to have jobs. I guess I should quit bitching about being here... But that won't happen. haha. It's supposed to get to -17 this week. Freaking crazy! Every day I keep in mind that summer isn't too far away....
I hope today finds you all in your happy place. Here's to awareness and good healthy.
~Jen

Weight loss, being fit, being healthy, enjoying my body, being proud of myself: these are things that have been on my mind pretty
much 24/7 lately.  So, why haven't
I gotten it all together?  I guess I'm not going to dwell on that.  I'm proud of myself for getting off the Pepsi.  I'm proud that I'm off the caffeine (except the occasional tea), and I'm proud that I'm at least thinking about being healthy.  I've literally gone through the past 9 months or so, intentionally sabotaging my efforts of the past few years.  WTF?!  And you know what can happen in 9 months when you live like that?  In my case, I've gained 30 pounds.  30 fucking pounds.  I've gained more in these 9 months than I did with either pregnancy. This morning I wanted to change my profile picture on facebook,  so I was going through my photos.  I look at myself last year, when I was fat (and I was, just not anything compared to now), and I long for that body.  I long to be starting this at that weight.  But I'm not that weight.  I'm this horrible fucking weight that I don't really even want to know.  I think it's around 230.  It's just amazing to me that
I am capable of being so careless with my own life.  I mean, on top of the excess weight which I'm sure is causing me way more harm than I even know, I've got high blood pressure, anxiety, and depression.  Every time I take one of my 6-7 pills a day, I feel like a loser.  I hate being on medication.  I really believe I can get rid of all or nearly all of it, if I could just get myself back together and eating a healthy, vegan diet.  I read recently that you've got to want to change, more than you want to stay the same.  I do want to change.  For the love of God, I
want to change....  I have to change.  Brian and I finally got to watch the new Biggest Loser, and I identify so much with the struggles of these contestants and I know that I most probably have some of their same health issues.  Watching BL is heartbreaking to me, while Brian makes joke after joke about their weight and struggles.  It kills me. I don't know what he sees when he looks
at me.  If he weren't so blinded by his undying love for me (that's a joke), he would see that I am them.   They are me... 

My friend/coworker, Marie and I have been talking a lot about becoming healthier lately.  We even had a meeting about it at the Chinese buffet of all places.  We mapped out some goals and rules to our approaches to losing weight.  It feels good to know that I have someone that's wanting to start this
venture with me.  And it feels great to know that Marie's taking this very seriously, too. I'm really hoping we'll do a good job of keeping each other
accountable.  In the end, we both really want the same things: to feel good about ourselves (and proud) and to be healthy for our families.  Marie's reading the Adventures of DietGirl! book, and she's relating so much to the story.  Oh, I'm listening to iTunes as I type this and Everybody Knows is on.  I know I've put this song on here before, but it's me....  Back to Marie.  She has a heart of freaking gold, and I'm so excited to see her transformations from the inside out.  I can't wait to see the confidence come out and the self destruction to melt
away.

I had a really nice talk with my good friend Le Ann recently.  She's followed the blog since the beginning, and it was so nice to talk to her about the past year and a half.  Le Ann and I have been friends for many years and it was funny to hear her say how much better she knows me through this blog than through friendship. She's absolutely right.  I give more of myself to this blog than I do to most relationships.  I definitely have a guard up, at almost any time in real life.  Here....I let the guard down and I write this for me.  It's easy for me to put my feelings down and separate myself from anyone that might be reading this.  Le Ann had a perfectexample, when she said, "if I would have called you before the blog, I'd ask how you are and you'd say good." That's so true.  It's what I say no matter what.  Now, she knows.   lmao. "Good" is awesome, but it's so simple.  I wish my mind would just allow me to be, "good" without a million other things that go with it.  So, in the spirit of listening to Pink as I am now:
I don't want to be precious
I don't want to
feel stress
Life is for the living,
But not a living hell
So take
it
Take this
Oh, you can have all of me
Take it
Take this
Here,
you can have everything
I don't want to be flawless
When I go I want the
cuts to show
So take it
Take this
Oh, you can have all of me
Break
it
Take it
Oh, fuck it, have everything

Oh, you're fucked now.  lol

Lastly, my friend Amy turns 40 this year.  Amy coordinated my birthday party last year, and this year I hope to return the favor.  It's been kind of fun to talk to her about all of the possibilities.  I mean, you do only turn 40 once, right?  It's not like turning 29, which happens over and over. Amy and I are different in a million ways, there's no doubt there.  And the fact that turning 40 really
isn't a big deal to her is one of them.  Oh man, it tore me up inside.  Turning 40 fucked with my head in a big way.  But Amy is just excited about the using the excuse of turning 40 into doing something totally awesome.  So, with that, she has a big list of what she wants to do.  Hopefully we get it all situated soon, so we can really let the planning begin.  With that, there's a motivation in addition to all the others to lose weight.  I'd like to go on vacation and be able to keep up with everyone.  At the weight I'm at now, there's no way I can do that.  I want to be in a place when the vacation comes, that weight isn't something that's dictating what decisions I make about what I want or don't want to do.  I want to just live and enjoy life.  So, on top of everything else, I'm excited to be who I think I am in my head.  Somebody who is up for adventure!  And this birthday celebration will be all about adventure!  I just hope there's a zip line involved!  (And I won't have to worry about weight limits....)  Thank God the #1 thing she wants isn't until mid July. Gives me a little time.

I'll leave you with this....  Every single day I have a million reminders of how truly fat I am.  This morning was a good one.  I went to spoon with my husband, and it was my stomach that was spooning his butt.  You know what spooning is right?  It's not sexual, just cuddling.  So, my fat ass got to spoon my husband this morning.  I'm not gonna lie.  I'm a little jealous.

Hope you're all having a great day,
Jen

Everybody Knows-Dixie Chicks

Tell me now if you came sneaking up behind
Would you
know me and see behind the smile
I can change like colors on a wall
Hoping
no one else will find what lies beneath it all
I think I hide it all so
well

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't
erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my
name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows


Looking through the crowd
I search for something else
But every time I
turn around
I run into myself
Here I stand
Consumed with my
surroundings
Just another day
Of everybody looking
I swore they'd never
see me cry
You'll never see me cry

Stepping out, everyone can see my
face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing
out so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life

Everybody knows

You say I'll pay the price
That's the chance that I'll
take
Though you may think I'm telling lies
But I just call it getting
by

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase
from my life
Everybody knows

Standing out so you won't forget my
name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows I am just
barely getting by


 

I first heard the line, “One is one too many, one more is never enough…” in the song, You and Tequila Make Me Crazy by Kenny Chesney. I totally identified with that line. It’s me and food.  It’s me, the majority of time with alcohol.  It’s me w/ being social.  Basically everything in excess.  Geneen Roth wrote about that phrase yesterday when talking about a guy she’d met at one of her retreats.  The man was talking about his relationship with food.  Geneen said, “how can you get filled up by something you don’t even want?”  That made total sense to me.  Lately all of my eating hasn’t been about enjoying the experience of eating or meeting up with friends to have a meal.  It’s been literally about
stuffing my face.  I’m stuffing my face with just about anything that’s bad for me.  I heard some radio d.j.’s talking about the death of the Twinkie yesterday. 
They were asking when is the last time you actually had one?  They were saying it’s been years.  Like when our parents used to sometimes put those individual ones in our lunch pails.  But sadly, I’d rediscovered the Susie Q about a year ago.  I couldn’t get enough of those fucking things.  Talk about a chemical shit
storm.  I’m so adult in so many ways, but I eat like a child who solely thinks of taste.  I literally don’t seem “satisfied” from eating until I feel sick.  How fucked up is that?  Of course, then I’m like why did I do that?  Until the next time I do the EXACT same thing.  The only thing I’ve had any sort of control over lately is Pepsi. I did have a Coke on Sat., but really it was because of an awful hangover….  But all I think about all day is Pepsi.  I want one so bad, but I know it’s like the saying goes: One is one too many, one more is never enough…..

So, my friend Amy got me a book called, “The Amazing Adventures DietGirl” for Christmas.  It’s about a girl that started blogging in order to inspire herself to lose weight.  On the surface, it might seem awfully familiar….  Shauna Reid is the author and she went into is wanting to lose half of her weight.  In the beginning she takes the Weight Watcher’s road and is super successful.  Right off the bat she was losing tons of weight. At first I was like, GREAT…this book is making me feel like a huge douche bag.  I’m such a loser.  Is this book designed to make me feel worse about myself?  I mean, a year and a half into it I’ve gained weight.  But Shauna finds her own ways to map out her weight loss journey.  In her story, although it’s so much different than mine, there started to be all sorts of similarities.  I think those of us with addiction or weight issues all have some of the same core issues, albeit they are our own stories.  Anyway, Shauna’s weight loss came over many years.  It was so amazing to see her transformation as the weight came off.  I’m not talking about seeing a physical
transformation.  (There weren’t a lot of photos through the book), but her transformation as a person. She learned so much about herself and her triggers (which are pretty much the same as me=everything).  It was wonderful to see her come out of her shell and actually start enjoying life.  I hide so much, that I know I’m missing so many things.  I really enjoyed the book, and if you follow this blog, it may be something you’d enjoy as well.  And let me tell you: for the first time ever: I actually checked out a blog! It’s pretty cool, and there’s some great advice in there.    For me, it was so nice to find someone I could identify with.

A couple of months ago, a really close friend was about to go on vacation to MX with her husband and two other couples.  My friend was nervous for the bikini as the other girls are at least 10 years younger than her and in fantastic shape.  My friend worked super hard to get herself ready for the trip and finally felt secure with herself (as much as she could).  She text me bikini pics she’d taken for her husband.  Let me tell you.  She knocked it out of the park.  She’s in fantastic shape!  Anyway, I had to get rid of texts yesterday and deleted our conversation, thus deleting the bikini photos.  Today I was thinking about how amazing that must have felt for her to send pictures like that.  I can’t imagine feeling so comfortable with my body that I’d actually allow someone to see it.  I have a million motivation factors that go through my head about why I need to lose weight.  Today, that motivation factor is with me.  I’d love that feeling of being secure with my own body.  Right now, I cover my body up as much as I can.  It disgusts me….  But today, I draw inspiration from my dear friend.  I’ve got get this show on the road.  I really, really, REALLY FUCKING do.  I said, “FUCKING” just so you’d know how serious I am ; )

Until tomorrow, my friends. I hope tomorrow finds us all healthy and heading toward our goals, whatever that may be.

Love,

Jen

Oh today’s song is one that I identify with as this girl can’t seem to turn off her brain.  She might also be a little crazy just like me.

"Little Talks"  by Of  Monsters and Men

Hey! Hey! Hey!
I don't like walking around this old and empty
house
So hold my hand, I'll walk with you, my dear
[Video version:]
The stairs creak as you sleep, it's keeping me awake
[Live version:]
The stairs creak as I sleep, it's keeping me awake
It's the house telling you
to close your eyes

Some days I can't even trust myself
It's killing me
to see you this way

'Cause though the truth may vary
This ship will
carry our bodies safe to shore

Hey! Hey! Hey!

There's an old voice
in my head that's holding me back
Well tell her that I miss our little
talks
Soon it will be over and buried with our past
We used to play
outside when we were young
And full of life and full of love.


[Video version:] Some days I don't know if I am wrong or right

[Live version:] Some days I feel like I'm wrong when I'm right
Your
mind is playing tricks on you, my dear

'Cause though the truth may
vary
This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Hey!
Don't
listen to a word I say
Hey!
The screams all sound the same
Hey!


Though the truth may vary
This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore


Hey!
Hey!

You're gone, gone, gone away
I watched you
disappear
All that's left is the ghost of you.
Now we're torn, torn, torn
apart,
There's nothing we can do
Just let me go we'll meet again soon

Now wait, wait, wait for me
Please hang around
I'll see you when I fall
asleep

Hey!
Don't listen to a word I say
Hey!
The screams all
sound the same
Hey!
Though the truth may vary
This ship will carry our
bodies safe to shore

Don't listen to a word I say
Hey!
The screams
all sound the same
Hey!

Though the truth may vary
This ship will
carry our bodies safe to shore

Though the truth may vary
This ship
will carry our bodies safe to shore

Though the truth may vary
This
ship will carry our bodies safe to shore


 

Happy New Year! Wow….2013.  In some ways 2012 just flew by, and in others it seems like the longest year ever.  I spent quite a bit of time over break reading the blog from beginning to end. Holy shit: do I like to talk or what? I was surprised by how long some of the entries were.  I did this exercise in order to help identify any self-destructive patterns I might follow. I also went into this thinking that I’d really gotten away from the reason I started this blog and having it be a vehicle for weight loss.  While it hasn’t (yet) ended up being a vehicle toward weight loss, weight issues were always right there on the surface.  I know how much my weight affects every fiber of my being, but I had no idea that I really laid it out there for everyone to see like that.  It’s evident that I’m consumed by my weight and health, but in my mind, I thought that the blog had turned into a lot more storytelling, etc.  But really, weight was at the core of nearly every entry.  I thought rereading it would also make me fairly emotional, as I know so many of the entries were emotional breakdowns of sorts. The only time I teared up though, was while watching the video I made this summer and about Junior.  When I watched that video, I almost didn’t recognize the body, it’s in such bad shape.  And I watched it
knowing that I’ve now added around 10 pounds to it.  I could also see the shame on my face when I talked about my body and how unhappy I was with it.  My weight isn’t something I guess I really talk about with my friends all that much. If I do, it’s always emotional. It really does break my heart. So, here we are going into a new year. I want to go back and read this at the end of 2013 and think, damn, that’s when you finally turned it around. So after reading this and knowing what I know, here are my food/soda triggers: boredom, sadness, and feeling unworthy, feeling shameful, embarrassed, stressed, happy (celebrating), and essentially any other emotion I can conjure up.  There’s no question that sadness is always the biggie, though. It’s the one I can’t seem to rebound from right away.  Sadness turns into weeks or months of having providing myself little to no self-care. I’m hoping that arming myself with the
reality of this knowledge will help me in my quest moving forward.  I’ve also seen how hard I’ve been on myself, even in times when really I was eating very well.  So, this time I’m easing into a big.  I broke up with my partner, “Pepsi” a few days ago.  I’m giving myself the rest of the week to try to get off of the caffeine all together (with the exception of tea).  I’m also hoping that the blog can become more interactive.  I’d love to provide you with encouragement, if that’s what you’re hoping to get out of this site (I’m much better about taking care of others).  And of course, I’d love to hear from you, if you have any insight or motivation you feel you might be able to offer me along the way.  I’ve added my email address to the site: diariesofafatass@gmail.com  Please feel free to get a hold of me anytime.  I’d really appreciate it.

I’d completely forgotten about summing up the year at the end of last year until I reread it.  My memory sucks so bad…  So, I will once again break down the year in terms of how I saw it: the good, bad, and the ugly.

2012

The Good:

My family is all healthy. I pray of our health every day, and thankfully my husband and boys are doing very well.

I turned 40.  That could actually be on any of the lists below, but I never thought I would live to be 40, so I’ll take that as a positive. Turning 40 was a very tough pill to swallow, though.  For my birthday, I also received the greatest gift ever.  My friends flew me to Washington State for a weekend of birthday celebration and our college basketball team was inducted into the Clark College inaugural Hall of Fame.  We had a great time all around.  I was
completely shocked in how generous everyone was with their love and their
resources to make it all happen.  Best gift ever and a complete surprise!  40 also gave me an excuse to fly to Vegas and spend a few days with my fantastic friend, Caity who also turned 40.  We had a freaking blast!  I love her to death, and she always makes me feel so good about myself.  In August I also got to travel to Denver to see Amy. I hadn’t been camping since I was a teenager.  It
was so fun, mostly because Amy did all the work J  I also got to see Peyton Manning play a little preseason football out there, and we saw Bonnie Raitt at Red Rocks.  Bonnie was phenomenal, and Red Rocks is now my all-time favorite concert venue.  I was truly blessed to be able to get out of IL three times this past year.

I got Lasik surgery. For the first time since I was 16, I’ve been able to see without the aid of contacts or glasses.  I’m still getting used to it.  I also miss
how the glasses helped to hide my bags under my eyes. But overall, I’m glad that I had the procedure done.

I was able to spend the first part of the year at home.  I’d never not worked before, and reading back on it really made me miss it.  I learned all sorts of cool new recipes and was able to take great care of my family.  I was also able to spend the days with Junior, the coolest dog ever.

It was also another year filled with unwavering love and support from my close friends.  My friends are like family to me, and I feel so incredibly blessed to
have these girls in my life.


 In the Middle:

I went back to work. Not working was keeping us pretty strapped.  Going back to work did let me feel like a contributor again, though.  I’m still not sure about the job.  I guess it’s shit or get off the pot time.  I need to start really giving it some focus or find something more suitable to my tastes as far as work.  I guess that’s easier said than done in this economy, though.  Coming to work here has allowed me to finally make friends out here, though.  I really work with some
fun people.  I couldn’t ask to have met better people than I’ve met here.  There are some friendships from here that I’ll always carry with me.  The big downsides of working again of course means that I can’t be there for every meeting, practice, game, etc. that the kids have going on.  The commute also sucks, 45-50 miles each way.  But most importantly: I’ve gained 30 lbs. since coming here.  But once again, it’s not all bad, but I’ve got to figure out how to work here (when ppl eat out every day, and there are always fresh baked goods just 20 feet from me).

We moved to Byron.  We really didn’t care for the small town we lived in before, but we weren’t ready for a move at that time.  We love Byron, but it takes us further away from our goal of living closer to the Northwest, where our friends and families are.  

I guess the biopsy on my left breast needs to go in the middle.  It was a painful
thing and the whole ordeal stressed me out for 6 weeks before finally hearing I
did not have cancer.  While I’m of course super glad it was negative, the whole experience was brutal.

The Bad:

Junior passing away in July was a horrible blow to our family.  It was his time, but he was our “first baby.”  In fact, when I got to July, I had to take a break from reading for a while. I knew what was coming.  I didn’t want to relive his passing away.  I am thankful for this blog, in that I chronicled my daily life with him.  I don’t remember anything, so I know I can always go way back and read
about him doing crazy stuff like eating his own shit, when he refused to eat
anything else. That’s really unsettling, considering he never thought he was a dog.  He fully believed he was one of us.  He was our baby, and he ate shit.

My blood pressure meds have been doubled.  I’ve also had more anti-depressants added to the mix.  I hate all of that….  I really want this to be the year I get off of everything!


There’s much more to the year, but that wraps up some of the highlights and lowlights.  Here’s to 2013 and all the good that’s going to come our
way.


Much love,



Jen