Happy New Year! Wow….2013. In some ways 2012 just flew by, and in others it seems like the longest year ever. I spent quite a bit of time over break reading the blog from beginning to end. Holy shit: do I like to talk or what? I was surprised by how long some of the entries were. I did this exercise in order to help identify any self-destructive patterns I might follow. I also went into this thinking that I’d really gotten away from the reason I started this blog and having it be a vehicle for weight loss. While it hasn’t (yet) ended up being a vehicle toward weight loss, weight issues were always right there on the surface. I know how much my weight affects every fiber of my being, but I had no idea that I really laid it out there for everyone to see like that. It’s evident that I’m consumed by my weight and health, but in my mind, I thought that the blog had turned into a lot more storytelling, etc. But really, weight was at the core of nearly every entry. I thought rereading it would also make me fairly emotional, as I know so many of the entries were emotional breakdowns of sorts. The only time I teared up though, was while watching the video I made this summer and about Junior. When I watched that video, I almost didn’t recognize the body, it’s in such bad shape. And I watched it
knowing that I’ve now added around 10 pounds to it. I could also see the shame on my face when I talked about my body and how unhappy I was with it. My weight isn’t something I guess I really talk about with my friends all that much. If I do, it’s always emotional. It really does break my heart. So, here we are going into a new year. I want to go back and read this at the end of 2013 and think, damn, that’s when you finally turned it around. So after reading this and knowing what I know, here are my food/soda triggers: boredom, sadness, and feeling unworthy, feeling shameful, embarrassed, stressed, happy (celebrating), and essentially any other emotion I can conjure up. There’s no question that sadness is always the biggie, though. It’s the one I can’t seem to rebound from right away. Sadness turns into weeks or months of having providing myself little to no self-care. I’m hoping that arming myself with the
reality of this knowledge will help me in my quest moving forward. I’ve also seen how hard I’ve been on myself, even in times when really I was eating very well. So, this time I’m easing into a big. I broke up with my partner, “Pepsi” a few days ago. I’m giving myself the rest of the week to try to get off of the caffeine all together (with the exception of tea). I’m also hoping that the blog can become more interactive. I’d love to provide you with encouragement, if that’s what you’re hoping to get out of this site (I’m much better about taking care of others). And of course, I’d love to hear from you, if you have any insight or motivation you feel you might be able to offer me along the way. I’ve added my email address to the site: [email protected] Please feel free to get a hold of me anytime. I’d really appreciate it.
I’d completely forgotten about summing up the year at the end of last year until I reread it. My memory sucks so bad… So, I will once again break down the year in terms of how I saw it: the good, bad, and the ugly.
2012
The Good:
My family is all healthy. I pray of our health every day, and thankfully my husband and boys are doing very well.
I turned 40. That could actually be on any of the lists below, but I never thought I would live to be 40, so I’ll take that as a positive. Turning 40 was a very tough pill to swallow, though. For my birthday, I also received the greatest gift ever. My friends flew me to Washington State for a weekend of birthday celebration and our college basketball team was inducted into the Clark College inaugural Hall of Fame. We had a great time all around. I was
completely shocked in how generous everyone was with their love and their
resources to make it all happen. Best gift ever and a complete surprise! 40 also gave me an excuse to fly to Vegas and spend a few days with my fantastic friend, Caity who also turned 40. We had a freaking blast! I love her to death, and she always makes me feel so good about myself. In August I also got to travel to Denver to see Amy. I hadn’t been camping since I was a teenager. It
was so fun, mostly because Amy did all the work J I also got to see Peyton Manning play a little preseason football out there, and we saw Bonnie Raitt at Red Rocks. Bonnie was phenomenal, and Red Rocks is now my all-time favorite concert venue. I was truly blessed to be able to get out of IL three times this past year.
I got Lasik surgery. For the first time since I was 16, I’ve been able to see without the aid of contacts or glasses. I’m still getting used to it. I also miss
how the glasses helped to hide my bags under my eyes. But overall, I’m glad that I had the procedure done.
I was able to spend the first part of the year at home. I’d never not worked before, and reading back on it really made me miss it. I learned all sorts of cool new recipes and was able to take great care of my family. I was also able to spend the days with Junior, the coolest dog ever.
It was also another year filled with unwavering love and support from my close friends. My friends are like family to me, and I feel so incredibly blessed to
have these girls in my life.
In the Middle:
I went back to work. Not working was keeping us pretty strapped. Going back to work did let me feel like a contributor again, though. I’m still not sure about the job. I guess it’s shit or get off the pot time. I need to start really giving it some focus or find something more suitable to my tastes as far as work. I guess that’s easier said than done in this economy, though. Coming to work here has allowed me to finally make friends out here, though. I really work with some
fun people. I couldn’t ask to have met better people than I’ve met here. There are some friendships from here that I’ll always carry with me. The big downsides of working again of course means that I can’t be there for every meeting, practice, game, etc. that the kids have going on. The commute also sucks, 45-50 miles each way. But most importantly: I’ve gained 30 lbs. since coming here. But once again, it’s not all bad, but I’ve got to figure out how to work here (when ppl eat out every day, and there are always fresh baked goods just 20 feet from me).
We moved to Byron. We really didn’t care for the small town we lived in before, but we weren’t ready for a move at that time. We love Byron, but it takes us further away from our goal of living closer to the Northwest, where our friends and families are.
I guess the biopsy on my left breast needs to go in the middle. It was a painful
thing and the whole ordeal stressed me out for 6 weeks before finally hearing I
did not have cancer. While I’m of course super glad it was negative, the whole experience was brutal.
The Bad:
Junior passing away in July was a horrible blow to our family. It was his time, but he was our “first baby.” In fact, when I got to July, I had to take a break from reading for a while. I knew what was coming. I didn’t want to relive his passing away. I am thankful for this blog, in that I chronicled my daily life with him. I don’t remember anything, so I know I can always go way back and read
about him doing crazy stuff like eating his own shit, when he refused to eat
anything else. That’s really unsettling, considering he never thought he was a dog. He fully believed he was one of us. He was our baby, and he ate shit.
My blood pressure meds have been doubled. I’ve also had more anti-depressants added to the mix. I hate all of that…. I really want this to be the year I get off of everything!
There’s much more to the year, but that wraps up some of the highlights and lowlights. Here’s to 2013 and all the good that’s going to come our
way.
Much love,
Jen
knowing that I’ve now added around 10 pounds to it. I could also see the shame on my face when I talked about my body and how unhappy I was with it. My weight isn’t something I guess I really talk about with my friends all that much. If I do, it’s always emotional. It really does break my heart. So, here we are going into a new year. I want to go back and read this at the end of 2013 and think, damn, that’s when you finally turned it around. So after reading this and knowing what I know, here are my food/soda triggers: boredom, sadness, and feeling unworthy, feeling shameful, embarrassed, stressed, happy (celebrating), and essentially any other emotion I can conjure up. There’s no question that sadness is always the biggie, though. It’s the one I can’t seem to rebound from right away. Sadness turns into weeks or months of having providing myself little to no self-care. I’m hoping that arming myself with the
reality of this knowledge will help me in my quest moving forward. I’ve also seen how hard I’ve been on myself, even in times when really I was eating very well. So, this time I’m easing into a big. I broke up with my partner, “Pepsi” a few days ago. I’m giving myself the rest of the week to try to get off of the caffeine all together (with the exception of tea). I’m also hoping that the blog can become more interactive. I’d love to provide you with encouragement, if that’s what you’re hoping to get out of this site (I’m much better about taking care of others). And of course, I’d love to hear from you, if you have any insight or motivation you feel you might be able to offer me along the way. I’ve added my email address to the site: [email protected] Please feel free to get a hold of me anytime. I’d really appreciate it.
I’d completely forgotten about summing up the year at the end of last year until I reread it. My memory sucks so bad… So, I will once again break down the year in terms of how I saw it: the good, bad, and the ugly.
2012
The Good:
My family is all healthy. I pray of our health every day, and thankfully my husband and boys are doing very well.
I turned 40. That could actually be on any of the lists below, but I never thought I would live to be 40, so I’ll take that as a positive. Turning 40 was a very tough pill to swallow, though. For my birthday, I also received the greatest gift ever. My friends flew me to Washington State for a weekend of birthday celebration and our college basketball team was inducted into the Clark College inaugural Hall of Fame. We had a great time all around. I was
completely shocked in how generous everyone was with their love and their
resources to make it all happen. Best gift ever and a complete surprise! 40 also gave me an excuse to fly to Vegas and spend a few days with my fantastic friend, Caity who also turned 40. We had a freaking blast! I love her to death, and she always makes me feel so good about myself. In August I also got to travel to Denver to see Amy. I hadn’t been camping since I was a teenager. It
was so fun, mostly because Amy did all the work J I also got to see Peyton Manning play a little preseason football out there, and we saw Bonnie Raitt at Red Rocks. Bonnie was phenomenal, and Red Rocks is now my all-time favorite concert venue. I was truly blessed to be able to get out of IL three times this past year.
I got Lasik surgery. For the first time since I was 16, I’ve been able to see without the aid of contacts or glasses. I’m still getting used to it. I also miss
how the glasses helped to hide my bags under my eyes. But overall, I’m glad that I had the procedure done.
I was able to spend the first part of the year at home. I’d never not worked before, and reading back on it really made me miss it. I learned all sorts of cool new recipes and was able to take great care of my family. I was also able to spend the days with Junior, the coolest dog ever.
It was also another year filled with unwavering love and support from my close friends. My friends are like family to me, and I feel so incredibly blessed to
have these girls in my life.
In the Middle:
I went back to work. Not working was keeping us pretty strapped. Going back to work did let me feel like a contributor again, though. I’m still not sure about the job. I guess it’s shit or get off the pot time. I need to start really giving it some focus or find something more suitable to my tastes as far as work. I guess that’s easier said than done in this economy, though. Coming to work here has allowed me to finally make friends out here, though. I really work with some
fun people. I couldn’t ask to have met better people than I’ve met here. There are some friendships from here that I’ll always carry with me. The big downsides of working again of course means that I can’t be there for every meeting, practice, game, etc. that the kids have going on. The commute also sucks, 45-50 miles each way. But most importantly: I’ve gained 30 lbs. since coming here. But once again, it’s not all bad, but I’ve got to figure out how to work here (when ppl eat out every day, and there are always fresh baked goods just 20 feet from me).
We moved to Byron. We really didn’t care for the small town we lived in before, but we weren’t ready for a move at that time. We love Byron, but it takes us further away from our goal of living closer to the Northwest, where our friends and families are.
I guess the biopsy on my left breast needs to go in the middle. It was a painful
thing and the whole ordeal stressed me out for 6 weeks before finally hearing I
did not have cancer. While I’m of course super glad it was negative, the whole experience was brutal.
The Bad:
Junior passing away in July was a horrible blow to our family. It was his time, but he was our “first baby.” In fact, when I got to July, I had to take a break from reading for a while. I knew what was coming. I didn’t want to relive his passing away. I am thankful for this blog, in that I chronicled my daily life with him. I don’t remember anything, so I know I can always go way back and read
about him doing crazy stuff like eating his own shit, when he refused to eat
anything else. That’s really unsettling, considering he never thought he was a dog. He fully believed he was one of us. He was our baby, and he ate shit.
My blood pressure meds have been doubled. I’ve also had more anti-depressants added to the mix. I hate all of that…. I really want this to be the year I get off of everything!
There’s much more to the year, but that wraps up some of the highlights and lowlights. Here’s to 2013 and all the good that’s going to come our
way.
Much love,
Jen
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