Happy Saturday! Hopefully you're somewhere that isn't storming like it is here. It's purely miserable out there. I wanted to make myself get out there today with Jesse, but you know...the weather....but I do have a gym membership. I could've done more today, but I am exhausted....I've been drained for the past 10 days or so. I feel better than I have today, and I kept telling myself to do more-but I have nothing in me. I mentioned a couple of months ago how my stomach was hurting. Long story short-turns out I have gallstones. This time around has been more intense than the first and has been much slower to respond to the meds. I'd resigned myself to the fact that I would need to get my gallbladder removed, but I had a scan done and my gallbladder is okay. I meet with the Dr. on Monday to see where to go from here. I only know, that I need something done. More than anything, the fatigue has gotten to me. The very best part of my weight loss has been my increased energy level. This has taken it away, though. It has taken everything I have to get through the day, this past week and a half. Even today, with my stomach just nagging instead of screaming, I feel my bags under my eyes drooping down my face. 

In spite of my lower activity levels, I was happy to lose 2 pounds last week. This past couple of weeks, has been a total head fuck in that I ended up with gallstones-something usually attributed to fatty foods, but those foods are no longer a part of my life. It turns out you can also get them from rapid weight loss, which I really have not had "rapid" loss, but they did show up when I was having a breakdown and lost 9 pounds in two weeks. Who knows...maybe I had them before and then they just awakened. Anyway, with the possibility that losing weight actually caused this, I'll admit my immediate thought was-add more fat to your diet. That's stupid, but I'm a food addict, and I'll look for any excuse to eat more. On the nights where I've been out late for the kids sports, I have allowed myself to eat a little something when I get home, if I'm really hungry. I did not do that before. So, I guess these stones have changed my approach just a tiny bit. My eyes are still on the prize, and I have not gone off the rails. 

I bought my ticket home today, which is also a nice motivation to keep trucking. I certainly would like to weigh less when I go home, than I do now. I made the brutal mistake of looking up my BMI today, and has that ever fucked with my head. I shouldn't have done that. I have so far to go, and all day, that's all I've been able to think about. Dare I say, it hit me harder than the number on the scale does. 

I didn't mean for this entry to turn out as much of a bummer as it has. Really, I am thrilled with losing 5 pounds in two weeks. I would love to keep that going. I'm hoping to get my energy back soon, so I feel like I have more of a fighting chance. Diet is 80% of weight loss, but I'm already extremely concerned about loose skin, so it's imperative that I get my body going. Oh on that note, I had my 2 month physical therapy eval yesterday. I was given the option of continuing or getting rechecked in two weeks, which is of course what I chose. She feels I should continue but also knows insurance is always a battle. I'll keep plugging away on the exercises at home and hopefully I'll get the green light out of there, in a couple of weeks. My back is improving, just not at lightning speed. It is way better, though.

I hope you have a wonderful rest of your weekend. Keep your eye on the prize, despite any obstacles that get thrown your way. There will always be obstacles. There will always be reasons to quit. Be bigger than those reasons. You're worth it. We all just have the one body-let's take care of it.

~Jen

This made me laugh...and I do know I'm still fat...just not as fat. You gotta start somewhere! I had a moment of feeling almost content with my body. I almost felt like I could be okay at this weight, which is really ludicrous. I will say that's progress from someone who is so hyper critical of themselves, though. For that short time, I was worried I was thinking this way, because I certainly didn't want to get complacent. I've come now come back down to reality. I hold my stomach fat in my hands, often, while thinking about how much further I need to go before hitting my goal weight. The thought is overwhelming, but I am getting closer. Today I became three pounds closer. Boom. The scale hadn't been moving at all, like to the ounce until recently. I knew I had to be patient, that it would change. Still, it was easy to think of all my mis-steps and how much more I wish I could do physically. When it comes down to it: those three pounds were earned. I've been a walking fool (I literally look like a fool, walking in between every inning). I've still passed up every sugary treat that gets left out at work. I held back on the Easter meal and leftovers. I make the choice to pass the drive-thrus, when it would be so easy to pick up dinner there, as I'm not getting home until at least 7 every night. I've kept those things in mind and knew the scale had to make the shift to show those decisions. I really am pleased with that number. At the same time, I know the number can't define me. Next week, will likely be less, and I can't have a lower number depress me, either. I can't give the scale too much power.

It's funny how much things have changed in my diet, yet so many things have stayed the same. When Brian and I were in WI last week and went to lunch, I ordered a shrimp burrito w/ the meal (adding beans and rice). It wasn't until my food arrived and I stared at my plate, that I remembered-I don't need to order so much anymore. I knew I wouldn't even be able to finish the burrito, let alone the extras. It's crazy, as I really do try to think about every single thing I'm going to put in my body, that I still have these brain farts. I have an appointment tomorrow in the closest actual city. I was thinking about it today and my immediate thought process went to what can I have for breakfast. I thought about the different places for a good couple of minutes before realizing-I wouldn't be going to a restaurant or driving thru anywhere. I'll probably just have a Lara bar afterward. Food was my go-to thought for so long. In all honesty, it probably has been nearly my whole life. I don't know if these thoughts will every really go away.

I ran by Wal-Mart after work. I'm like most people, in that I truly hate shopping there. I will admit, I'm a little obsessed with their Savings Catchers app, though. I haven't used it that many times, and I already have $12 free dollars. Free! ha. Anyhoo, I went through the line and was immediately happy when I saw this cashier. She saw me and lit up, but the thing is, I'm sure she does this for everyone she seudo recognizes. We spoke for just that couple of minutes, but still I knew more about her day than probably most of the people I actually spoke to today. It's funny how we can talk to people and still not really know anything about them. I so value people like this woman, who just invite you into their world. Let's face it, I'm not one of those people-I say more through this blog than I do to anyone, but it's a trait in people I love. I would even go so far as to say, seeing her was my favorite part of the day. I preach this all the time, but we have the power to be that person-to make someone's day. We need to remember that. It's such an easy thing to do.

There was a shooting at bar out here on Sat. One of the guys from our shop was shot twice with a .357. I'm told that's a very large bullet. In fact, one of the guys from the shop took it upon himself to show my what the different bullets look like (I honestly have no idea-I hate guns). Trent (the guy who was shot) was beyond lucky. The doctors have no idea how he survived. He has bullet fragments on his heart, that they don't want to remove because of the risk. After all of this, he was actually at our company for a bit today. He won't be able to work for a couple of months, because his collarbone was broken by one of the shots. There were four people shot and all survived. This is truly a miracle. It was all random, as the guy who shot them actually drove up here from S.C after having a dream that told him he needed to go that bar and kill people. Crazy. It's hard to believe Trent, who is only 26, nearly lost his life because some guy had a fucking dream.

A close friend of mine, also had a very scary situation last week as well. Her father had a stroke. It's going to be a long road to recovery, but I'm so thankful that his prognosis is so good. I've been thinking a lot about her, her dad, and her family. Life is precious. We really don't know what is around the corner, from something like that, to a guy just hanging out and randomly getting shot. Hopefully, we all take each day and value it as the gift it is. Life is so easy to take for granted. Life is also very hard, sometimes. Still, it's beautiful and we all have our own life-something nobody else on earth has. Try not to waste a minute of it. Trust me, this is a reminder to myself as well.  -If you could keep Larry in your prayers for a fast recovery, I would certainly appreciate it. 

I'll leave you with the song I should've put with my last blog. I mean, I was fresh off an Eric Church song. I do love this song. Enjoy.

Have a great night. And-happy Hump Day!

~Jen

Happy Easter everyone! Hopefully this finds you on the tail end of a three day weekend. We had Friday off, and having that one extra day makes such a difference. In fact, Friday feels like an eternity ago. We finally got our taxes done. It was a total downer-just like last year. I thought we were going to be a lot better off, having owned the house the entire tax year. Unfortunately, owning a house really doesn't make a huge difference, and Uncle Same gets another big check from us. I'd gotten on Brian last year about changing his tax exemptions, and by God he's heard it from me again. Hopefully this time he does it. I'm just like anyone else-feel like I already pay a ton in taxes, esp living in IL. You pay state taxes, there are road tolls everywhere, we pay a shit ton on our house. Anyway, it's hard to give up more of our hard earned money. I wish I had more faith in how the government spends it, but I don't. We tried to make the best out of a bummer of a morning and made a little drive in WI and had a couple beers and lunch. We got back early enough for me to get chores done and to take Jesse on a walk and get caught up on some thunder storms. A friend and I also made last minute plans to head to Milwaukee to see Eric Church in concert that night. It was definitely a full day which ended when I got home at 3:15 A.M. That's kind of a big deal for someone who prefers to be in bed at 9. 

That morning, I stayed true to my plan to get over to Rockford and do our Easter shopping early in the morning. I was going on less than four hours sleep, but by golly, I got it done. It was another nice day of getting stuff done around the house and it ended with watching Hidden Figures. If you haven't seen it, yet, you must. It was such an inspiring movie and so well done.  

Today was another early morning, getting things ready for Easter. Caleb and I also got an early start to church, which is about an hour away from here. It's the church we prefer, but we usually only make that drive on holidays. My friend Lisa's husband is the pastor, and he always has such a great message. Today was no exception. Today was also full of more cleaning and laundry. It feels good to get it done, but I really feel like I cleaned the same things over and over. With all the cleaning and doing dishes multiple times in a day, if you walk into my kitchen now, I'm sure it's dirty. Big sigh. I did make us a nice Easter meal, though. I made a turkey breast in the crock pot, mashed potatoes, Rhodes rolls, cornbread stuffing, kale salad and apple pie for dessert. I know it's the holiday of ham, and I do love the ham...that's the problem: I didn't want to have those leftovers in the house. As it was, butter seemed to be the main ingredient in nearly everything I made today. I practiced a decent amount of self-control, though, which was not easy. 

As great as these few days have been, I have been off. I feel off in my head. I'm working hard to be up, but sometimes the brain just sabotages me. It's so maddening. I have every reason in the world, to feel like the luckiest person on the planet-and still my head fights me sometimes. I started to get frustrated with all the cleaning I've done, and boys that don't have the same care as I do about having a clean house. It's a battle I'll never win, which is truly unfortunate as I'm definitely getting more particular and anal about things with age. So, in an effort, to get my head in the space it needs to be: I started doing things to get my thoughts into a happier place. Caleb and I walked Jesse again. I washed my favorite bedding for our room (clean bedding is about one of my favorite things). I cleaned my bathroom (it's supposed to be a no boy zone, but it doesn't really work out that way). I used Drain-O on my bathroom sink and shower (I seem to be shedding something terrible these days). I lit a candle in my room, and here I am: writing. These all probably sound like totally silly things, but they are the easy fixes that help put my in a good place. I felt the saying up at the top of this blog, was especially fitting today. Being happy should be the easiest thing in the world, but unfortunately, it always doesn't work that way. We have the choice, though. Our days are what we make of it. I call today a wonderful day, even though it was a lot of work to get there. I love the smell of the dryer sheet on my clean bedding as I sit here writing in my room. My door closed to the rest of the world, for just this moment in time. I hope you're able to find those things that can help change your mood, too. You just have to be willing to look for them-to put the work in. I know, I wish it didn't have to be like that, too, but it's just what it is sometimes.

There was a benefit at work for a guy in our shop who has been out battling cancer. I've never actually BBQ'd before, as Brian loves to do it. I guess there's a first time for everything, and I had a blast BBQ'ing hot dogs with another co-worker. He gave me pointers, but I burned the living shit out of some of those dogs. It's a good thing, some people like them like that (including myself). The benefit went really well, raising a shit ton of money for him. I even won a Cubs jersey (I got to pick which jersey), and I'm excited to give it to Brian for his birthday at the end of the month. I also won a Bears tailgating print, which I gave to a friend-as nobody in this house is a Bears fan. It was a crazy, busy day and after work, I headed to therapy. It wasn't until I started walking up the stairs that it hit me how tired I was. I was up half the night, the night before (idk why this is happening-but it's happening a couple times a week now), and I was running all day. It was only then, that it occurred to me that all that happened that day, including the fact that I was on my feet over two hours cooking, etc. There's no way I could've done the things I'd done that day, when I was heavier. As it was, I didn't get home until 8:00 that night, as Ryne had a baseball game out of town. A day like that a few months ago, would've killed me. Instead, it was just another Wed. I'm so appreciative that the weight loss, has given this to me.

I guess now is as good of time as any to report that I had a 3/4 pound weight gain this week. Haha. I was only down 4 ounces that morning, and I figured that's what I'd see on the scale. I wasn't proud of a week like that, but I could live with it also. My eating wasn't great, as I wrote about in my last blog, but it's not like I totally shit the bed or anything. I was really good about getting my steps in, though. I actually had cancelled my weigh-in, because it was at the same time I was helping BBQ. The gal I weigh-in with text me though to tell me she had an opening mid-afternoon. I knew I'd be fucked. I always weigh-in before lunch. This time, I had a hot dog in me before I got on that scale. I hadn't had a hot dog in many months, and it certainly was part of my weigh-in plan. I've made a commitment to weigh-in on Wednesdays, though, and I felt it was important to stay with it: even though it was a gain when there might not have been one. Regardless of the scale, I know I could've done better. I could've done better these few days, too. Still, I'll keep plugging along and keep my eye on the prize: getting off these bp meds and continuing to feel better. It feels so good to feel like a human again. I can't imagine letting this go. I need to work harder. I do know that. 

I need to get back to the outside world (outside the comfort of my quiet room). Laundry and dishes still need me, but I'm grateful that my attitude is better.

I hope you had a wonderful day, doing those little things that make your soul smile.

~Jen

-I've liked this song since the first time I heard it, before knowing any of the lyrics. This kid is probably way young, but it reminds me of something Bread would sing or something. I hope you like it, too.

Seriously, if that's what my book was about: I'd have three volumes published already. It's what I've spent most of my morning dwelling on. Some coworkers and I went to lunch on Friday. I had the lunch special, shrimp chimichanga. The Mexican place in town has a really great one. I have it every couple or three weeks. It's a single chimichanga and comes with rice and beans, as well as a little "guacamole salad." This was the same, minus the salad. The one in town I figure is worth the calories. It's a fried dish, and I don't eat a lot of fried food, but I really do enjoy it. I did not enjoy the place we went on Friday. It sucks when you realize something simply wasn't worth the calories. That's when I usually beat myself up the most. Friday night, I had two small slices of DeLite pizza from Papa Murphy's and then took a small piece of the boys thin crust pepperoni. Here's the kicker, I don't even really care for pepperoni. That choice was a result of the wine. Big sigh. I drank over half a bottle of red on Friday, which I'll actually call a win. I could've easily drank the whole thing. Instead, I sipped it and then cut myself off before I wanted to. The day/night could've been worse as far as calorie intake, but it certainly wasn't good. I also didn't get a whole lot of nutrition in for the day. I wish I could say it was just Friday, but it bled over into yesterday as well. I met up with some people from my aqua aerobics class for breakfast. I had two eggs, a biscuit and some potatoes with gravy on the side. I had really been craving biscuits and gravy, so getting just the one biscuit was my compromise. I also used the gravy sparingly and gave my plate to the waitress, so I wouldn't eat too many of the potatoes. I called it a victory, because I really wanted to go to town....country fried steak and eggs...all sorts of bad things were calling my name. Still, I could've done an egg white with veggies omelet or scramble. It would've been a smarter choice. I knew I was going to have dinner at Jackie's house (it was her son Jack's birthday), so I wanted to try and get away with just having a Lara bar and banana for lunch. It didn't hold me over (I was quite active yesterday), so I ended up having a boiled egg on wheat toast (yeah, I totally spaced on the fact I had eggs at breakfast). Here's the thing about eating at Jackie's house-they can cook. Her husband always goes all out. Yesterday was no exception. There were chicken wings, Italian beef, pulled pork, homemade coleslaw, two types of pasta salads, chips, some candy concoction, and cake. I really don't care for chicken wings, but Lambo makes some fabulous ones. I had two of those, along with a pulled pork sandwich (I do love Italian beef-but I knew it was worse for me-plus it would probably make me feel bad physically) with coleslaw on it and a piece of provolone. Normally, I wouldn't have any pasta salad, but I did. I tell you what-I really wanted a second sandwich. It seriously was one of the best things I've ever eaten. I've had them there before and enjoyed, but I don't know if it's because that's not something I would normally eat or what, but damn. So good. I did have a tiny sliver of cake, too. It was tiny, so I really don't feel bad about it. You're probably wondering why the fuck I just droned on and on about my food choices over two days. Well, maybe you've finally gotten used to me droning on like this, but this is truly getting inside the head of a person with food or weight issues. I've heard from so many of you-of all sizes about how you can relate. This is me justifying to myself about how it was okay to eat what I've eaten, because it could've been worse. There's a part of me that believes it. I know that even on my best day, when I ate poorly, it would've been worse than what I've done the last two days. I can't think like that person anymore, though. I woke up with all my food choices racing through my head. I knew I needed to make a smoothie, to jam pack in nutrients that I've been lacking. Instead, I told myself a boiled egg on toast would be okay...I did at least change and go to avocado on toast with red pepper flakes. On a side note, have you ever tried? It's the most eaten breakfast by Australians. There's something that's supposed to be healthy about mixing the avocado and pepper flakes. Anyway, it's not bad-and I knew was a better choice than the egg. Again, not as good as a smoothie though. I guess I'm having such a tough time with these choices I'm making, because I know the danger of dancing this dance. I don't ever want to get back to the place I was before. These are my choices, and I need to make the right ones. All at the same time, as not beating myself to a bloody pulp. This is a science I've yet to master. 

I guess this all comes down to not trusting myself. Isn't that bad...to not be able to trust your own decision and instincts? I know what I need to do-and I don't know why in this moment, I'm not trusting myself to do the right things. It's funny, because I am doing a lot of things right. I'm getting in my 10k steps again. I've been doing shit tons of stretches. My back has been better since Tues/Wed. It brings me hope. I'm the crazy lady who is walking in between innings when my kid has a game after I get off work. I feel good about that part. I have an idea for incorporating more with weights and stuff, but I'm also really careful-hurting my back is always on my mind-scares me so. I know I'm 5 weeks into physical therapy. I have to limit myself, but on the other hand, I'm terrified of loose skin. I already have some. In a really fucked up way, I'm worried my fear of loose skin, will throw my off the rails with my eating. Again, I don't trust myself. It's funny-I rarely think I know anything, but then when I really think I know something, feel it, trust it: I was totally wrong. That's a lot to get over. It bleeds over into all sorts of things. So, here I am, overthinking things on a Sunday morning, when I really should be out there, starting my day.

As I was writing a friend and I made plans, and she's making the trek out here to bum fuck Egypt to see me. I have to trust myself to eat well and try to make this a healthy day. It's my life, and it's what I make of it. The same goes for you. Everything you put into your body is your choice and yours alone. Things can drive us to want to be unhealthy-to want to feed a part of us that's hurting-but food really doesn't help us. It's not a comfort. It's just what we know or have known. You can change it now. Right now. Mid Sunday morning. The choice yours. The choice is mine.

Hope you all enjoy your Sunday. It's actually quite beautiful out here in bum fuck Egypt.

~Jen

It's hard to believe all that was shoved into this last week. Brian and Cal headed to Washington to help celebrate Gram's birthday, leaving Ryne and I to hold down the IL fort. The house was so quiet. It was actually hard to get used to at first. A friend came over Friday night and we hung out. I stayed up fairly late for me anymore. I still woke up early on Saturday, which I guess is good-although I always wish I could sleep in. Ryne's baseball team had a double-header on Sat. Many of the games lately have been rained out, so we were really fortunate that the weather was decent. It was so nice to sit outside and just breathe in the fresh air. I'm so ready for this weather to change over permanently (right now it's threatening to snow). I miss the sun. I had a great time visiting with the baseball moms and Ryne played a fantastic game. It was so fun to watch him actually enjoying himself. As a 15 y/o, he seemingly tries really hard to play the roll of the mistreated teenager. So, seeing him playing to his potential and loving every minute of it was really special. He had 6 RBI's, which I'm sure is the most he's ever had. Not bad for a kid, who is only starting half the games (which makes zero sense but anyway...). He was in such a good mood after the game, he even let me take him to an early dinner. It really was nice for us to have some time alone together. He and Brian are best friends, so it's tough being the bad guy all the time. He spent the night at a friend's house. I think it was the first time in two years, I've spent the night alone. The bff text to see what crazy Final Four plans I had for the night. It was 6:00, and she was quite disappointed to hear I was already in my jammies. In all actuality, it was a really wonderful night. Sunday, I made the trek to go buy some healthy groceries. Afterward, I met a friend for an unhealthy breakfast. haha. I kept the portion of what I ate small, at least. 

I was able to get my 10k steps in on Sat and Sun. It was the first time in a while, as my back has really been acting up. I had an eval for physical therapy on Monday. I'm 4 weeks in, on what was supposed to be a 6 week stint. The good news is: there's progress. The bad news: it's ever so slow. The p/t gave me another 4 weeks and then wants to re-eval. It was a really frustrating day, as the evals just kill my back. Also, I just want it to be better and it just keeps getting tweaked. I feel like my back was so much better a few months ago, than it is now. Anyway, I made myself get my 10k again yesterday. I need to keep moving forward...even when I seemingly keep going backward. I've worked hard on shifting my bad attitude about it all. I don't like being a whiny bitch with excuses. Thankfully, it was fairly short lived. 

I need to listen to my own advice and not weigh myself so often. It has been messing with my head lately. I came into this work week, really kicking some ass. I've been drinking tons of water, gave up Diet Coke again (I'd really slid this last month...), and really made some great choices. Yesterday, I was down 2 pounds for the week. This morning, I was only down a pound. Somehow, I gained a pound after an awesome day. I know it's a natural thing. The body fluctuates like that. I just really hate that shit on weigh in day. So, it held true at my weigh in this afternoon, down 1 pound. I'll still take it. I earned it. I feel like I earned the 2...but maybe that mysterious pound will go away as quickly as it appeared. I won't know, though-because I don't plan on weighing myself until next Wed. It has also been a great week in terms of support from friends in this journey. I have some that have leaned on me, which I love. I don't think they know how much being there for them, helps me. It keeps me honest. I want to help them. I want to lead by example. Really, it drives me probably more than anything. Today a guy out in the shop, (who I know but now well-certainly have never talked about weight loss with) stopped me and told me how good I look. (It's all relative-I have so far to go-but it was very nice of him). He asked me what I was doing and expressed concerns over his own weight and health. He was so honest in everything. I always appreciate honesty over everything-real. It really made me feel good, that he came to me and wants to make the types of changes he's seen in me. I explained to him, that I started changing my lifestyle for the same reasons he wants to-I wanted to feel better. Again, I was reminded I'm on the right path. The path that leads people who probably weigh 70 pounds less than me-to ask me what they should be eating. I love that they see the journey and not the person I still see-the person who has so far to go. I am truly grateful for these relationships, whether they be with people I have known my whole life, or someone I barely know. 

We lost a close family friend on Monday. It has not been easy in a lot of ways. I hate thinking of people I love hurting so much. I hate being so far away from everyone. It kills me to know my Mom lost one of her dearest friends. It happened on my best friend's birthday, and I can't even begin to put myself in my Mom's place. I've been thinking a lot about memories from growing up around Ginny and her family. Some of my favorite moments were on her float house, the Bluebird. It was a tough couple of days leading up to it, and all I wanted to do Monday night was sit on my couch and drink wine and be sad. I knew that's what the Jen who gained all the weight would do, so I made myself go to aqua aerobics. I figured I could be sad there, just as easily as on my couch, without taking in calories. I'm glad I went. I'm glad the way I think about things has shifted, even though it's so hard to make that shift sometimes. I'd been thinking about going to Alaska for the 4th, but given everything, I really think I'm going to go. Life it too short. If I'm figuring right, it's been 7 years, since my sisters and I have all been together. I've got to make this trip happen. It will be nice to be home and see Ginny's family along with my own. It has simply been too long.

I'll leave you with a song I know I've put on here before. It's my friends Penny and Tracy (The Allen Sisters), Ginny's daughters. I love this song, and it is so Wrangell. They play it for me every time I'm home, and it's always the highlight of my trip. If you haven't seen this video, check it out. It's Wrangell in a nutshell, and I know who every person in this video is. I'm so lucky to have grown up the way I did. Here's to you Ginny. Godspeed.

~Jen