I guess this all comes down to not trusting myself. Isn't that bad...to not be able to trust your own decision and instincts? I know what I need to do-and I don't know why in this moment, I'm not trusting myself to do the right things. It's funny, because I am doing a lot of things right. I'm getting in my 10k steps again. I've been doing shit tons of stretches. My back has been better since Tues/Wed. It brings me hope. I'm the crazy lady who is walking in between innings when my kid has a game after I get off work. I feel good about that part. I have an idea for incorporating more with weights and stuff, but I'm also really careful-hurting my back is always on my mind-scares me so. I know I'm 5 weeks into physical therapy. I have to limit myself, but on the other hand, I'm terrified of loose skin. I already have some. In a really fucked up way, I'm worried my fear of loose skin, will throw my off the rails with my eating. Again, I don't trust myself. It's funny-I rarely think I know anything, but then when I really think I know something, feel it, trust it: I was totally wrong. That's a lot to get over. It bleeds over into all sorts of things. So, here I am, overthinking things on a Sunday morning, when I really should be out there, starting my day.
As I was writing a friend and I made plans, and she's making the trek out here to bum fuck Egypt to see me. I have to trust myself to eat well and try to make this a healthy day. It's my life, and it's what I make of it. The same goes for you. Everything you put into your body is your choice and yours alone. Things can drive us to want to be unhealthy-to want to feed a part of us that's hurting-but food really doesn't help us. It's not a comfort. It's just what we know or have known. You can change it now. Right now. Mid Sunday morning. The choice yours. The choice is mine.
Hope you all enjoy your Sunday. It's actually quite beautiful out here in bum fuck Egypt.