Trust Yourself

Seriously, if that's what my book was about: I'd have three volumes published already. It's what I've spent most of my morning dwelling on. Some coworkers and I went to lunch on Friday. I had the lunch special, shrimp chimichanga. The Mexican place in town has a really great one. I have it every couple or three weeks. It's a single chimichanga and comes with rice and beans, as well as a little "guacamole salad." This was the same, minus the salad. The one in town I figure is worth the calories. It's a fried dish, and I don't eat a lot of fried food, but I really do enjoy it. I did not enjoy the place we went on Friday. It sucks when you realize something simply wasn't worth the calories. That's when I usually beat myself up the most. Friday night, I had two small slices of DeLite pizza from Papa Murphy's and then took a small piece of the boys thin crust pepperoni. Here's the kicker, I don't even really care for pepperoni. That choice was a result of the wine. Big sigh. I drank over half a bottle of red on Friday, which I'll actually call a win. I could've easily drank the whole thing. Instead, I sipped it and then cut myself off before I wanted to. The day/night could've been worse as far as calorie intake, but it certainly wasn't good. I also didn't get a whole lot of nutrition in for the day. I wish I could say it was just Friday, but it bled over into yesterday as well. I met up with some people from my aqua aerobics class for breakfast. I had two eggs, a biscuit and some potatoes with gravy on the side. I had really been craving biscuits and gravy, so getting just the one biscuit was my compromise. I also used the gravy sparingly and gave my plate to the waitress, so I wouldn't eat too many of the potatoes. I called it a victory, because I really wanted to go to town....country fried steak and eggs...all sorts of bad things were calling my name. Still, I could've done an egg white with veggies omelet or scramble. It would've been a smarter choice. I knew I was going to have dinner at Jackie's house (it was her son Jack's birthday), so I wanted to try and get away with just having a Lara bar and banana for lunch. It didn't hold me over (I was quite active yesterday), so I ended up having a boiled egg on wheat toast (yeah, I totally spaced on the fact I had eggs at breakfast). Here's the thing about eating at Jackie's house-they can cook. Her husband always goes all out. Yesterday was no exception. There were chicken wings, Italian beef, pulled pork, homemade coleslaw, two types of pasta salads, chips, some candy concoction, and cake. I really don't care for chicken wings, but Lambo makes some fabulous ones. I had two of those, along with a pulled pork sandwich (I do love Italian beef-but I knew it was worse for me-plus it would probably make me feel bad physically) with coleslaw on it and a piece of provolone. Normally, I wouldn't have any pasta salad, but I did. I tell you what-I really wanted a second sandwich. It seriously was one of the best things I've ever eaten. I've had them there before and enjoyed, but I don't know if it's because that's not something I would normally eat or what, but damn. So good. I did have a tiny sliver of cake, too. It was tiny, so I really don't feel bad about it. You're probably wondering why the fuck I just droned on and on about my food choices over two days. Well, maybe you've finally gotten used to me droning on like this, but this is truly getting inside the head of a person with food or weight issues. I've heard from so many of you-of all sizes about how you can relate. This is me justifying to myself about how it was okay to eat what I've eaten, because it could've been worse. There's a part of me that believes it. I know that even on my best day, when I ate poorly, it would've been worse than what I've done the last two days. I can't think like that person anymore, though. I woke up with all my food choices racing through my head. I knew I needed to make a smoothie, to jam pack in nutrients that I've been lacking. Instead, I told myself a boiled egg on toast would be okay...I did at least change and go to avocado on toast with red pepper flakes. On a side note, have you ever tried? It's the most eaten breakfast by Australians. There's something that's supposed to be healthy about mixing the avocado and pepper flakes. Anyway, it's not bad-and I knew was a better choice than the egg. Again, not as good as a smoothie though. I guess I'm having such a tough time with these choices I'm making, because I know the danger of dancing this dance. I don't ever want to get back to the place I was before. These are my choices, and I need to make the right ones. All at the same time, as not beating myself to a bloody pulp. This is a science I've yet to master. 

I guess this all comes down to not trusting myself. Isn't that bad...to not be able to trust your own decision and instincts? I know what I need to do-and I don't know why in this moment, I'm not trusting myself to do the right things. It's funny, because I am doing a lot of things right. I'm getting in my 10k steps again. I've been doing shit tons of stretches. My back has been better since Tues/Wed. It brings me hope. I'm the crazy lady who is walking in between innings when my kid has a game after I get off work. I feel good about that part. I have an idea for incorporating more with weights and stuff, but I'm also really careful-hurting my back is always on my mind-scares me so. I know I'm 5 weeks into physical therapy. I have to limit myself, but on the other hand, I'm terrified of loose skin. I already have some. In a really fucked up way, I'm worried my fear of loose skin, will throw my off the rails with my eating. Again, I don't trust myself. It's funny-I rarely think I know anything, but then when I really think I know something, feel it, trust it: I was totally wrong. That's a lot to get over. It bleeds over into all sorts of things. So, here I am, overthinking things on a Sunday morning, when I really should be out there, starting my day.

As I was writing a friend and I made plans, and she's making the trek out here to bum fuck Egypt to see me. I have to trust myself to eat well and try to make this a healthy day. It's my life, and it's what I make of it. The same goes for you. Everything you put into your body is your choice and yours alone. Things can drive us to want to be unhealthy-to want to feed a part of us that's hurting-but food really doesn't help us. It's not a comfort. It's just what we know or have known. You can change it now. Right now. Mid Sunday morning. The choice yours. The choice is mine.

Hope you all enjoy your Sunday. It's actually quite beautiful out here in bum fuck Egypt.

~Jen