Night sleeping has continued to elude me.  After I took the boys to school this morning, I was able to actually take a nap.  Wow.  It sure helped everything.  I felt better, but I didn't feel great.  I was really dreading my appointment w/ the trainer this afternoon.  I kept trying to talk myself out of going...whine, whine, blah, blah, etc.  Anyway, I manned up and got my fat ass there today.  Holy shit!  It felt fucking great!  I'm really excited to commit myself to the gym.  I just wish it were closer.  Anyway, we did the treadmill and then did weights.  The weights were going great until we got to this weird ab/lower back workout.  With each scrunch, I felt a little dribble....  Thank God that was the only one that she had me do only 2 sets of 12 on.  When I got done, I slid off the seat to wipe away the spot I was sure to have left.  We went to the next one, and I started thinking maybe nothing actually came out.  Well...when I got up there was a little spot there.  Now, I'm no stranger to the spots, but every other time in my life it's much bigger, and it's actually sweat.  So, now I need to figure out how to get through the weight room w/out pissing myself.  Maybe an adult diaper, maybe a pad?  Either way, I'm pissed (literally), b/c that means I can't wear yoga pants without underwear.   Hopefully this particular exercise will strengthen the muscles enough that it won't happen anymore.  An old lady can dream, can't she?

I have a job interview in the a.m.  I'm so not wanting to do it, but I've made the decision to accept any credible interview that's thrown my way.  It's for a Purchasing/Sourcing analyst for SAP.  I know SAP really well, and I'm a good buyer, but I HATE computers.  So, I'm thinking a job that requires creating algorithms, power point, etc., isn't my dream job :)

I hope you guys are well.  Would love to hear how you guys are doing on your journey toward better health.

~Jen

It's been a weird few days.  Sunday started strong.  I got up early and shaved my legs (which nearly always puts me in a great mood).  Then, was a wonderful church service.  I really feel so blessed to have this church in my life.  Then, not long after I got home....bam!  Fucking hits me....so damn tired....don't want to get out of bed....  OMG!  I hate that!  I really should've taken something to help me sleep that night, but I don't like to do that.  As a result, I was up most of the night.  It was a terrible night.
So, yesterday I was so tired, but Cal had an appt outside of Chicago.  I spent the early morning making sure everything was in order (insurance, that the new surgeon had Cal's records, etc.).  As it turns out, the new Dr. didn't actually have his OHSU records as they said (or they have them, but there in another dept).  Man, was I pissed....  So, here we go again, new glasses prescription and come back in Jan. to see if it helps (which it never does).  The surgeon said he doubted it would help, but thought we needed to try, blah, blah, blah.  Had we HAD the records, he would see that we just went through this.  So, I'll get the records again, and then we'll go back in Jan.  Totally pissed as I wanted his surgery in Dec (so we could take advantage of him meeting his deductible).  Ugh.  Oh well....I guess there's a reason for everything.  Anyhoo, that led to another sleepless night.  I'm so, so tired...

Today I met w/ a new therapist.  I really want to get my meds figured out.  It turns out that she can't do meds and had to refer me to someone else, who I'll see next week about the meds.  She wants to keep seeing me, so I think I'll give it one or two more tries.  I really don't want to start over again.  It took a good year with my previous therapist before I trusted her and felt comfortable enough to let go of everything.  Anyway, I'm looking forward to meeting w/ the other Dr. next week to hopefully even me out somehow.

After the appointment, I stopped in to see my new friend Suzi.  She manages a local bar in town.  I brought us lunch, and I had a drink.  As I was walking in, I ran into another new friend that was going next door for lunch.  She grabbed her food to go, and we went in and visited w/ Suzi.  It was so nice to have nice girl talk.  I probably would've stayed longer, but this gal had come in and she drove me up the fucking wall.  She was crazy loud and obnoxious.  She kept calling herself a "day drinker" like it was the greatest title on earth.  At one point, someone brought up Vegas and we talked about how much we love it there.  I told them I was planning a trip w/ girlfriends for my 4-0 in a few months, but then I also said, Vegas can be dangerous.  My friend and I kinda got into it, when I was there a little while ago.  To which the "day drinker" says, "OMG.  Me and my friends get into it all the time when we drink.  We wake up w/ bruises the next morning, and someone will ask if so and so and I are okay.  I'll ask why, and they'll tell me that we got into a knock down, drag out, outside of the bar."  Really?  For realz....?  I just said, well, I mean, we didn't talk to each other.  Holy shit.  Mary started texting me, even though she was sitting right next to me.   We were dying.  A good 2 hours after I left, Suzi text me and tells me the crazy chick finally left.  Oh well, it's a good story, I guess.  Or maybe not...maybe you had to be there.

So, my diet is absolute atrocious!  I'm a mess.  Anyway, I meet with the trainer tomorrow.  Hopefully she can help pull my head out of my ass.  Wish me luck!

Is that how it goes?  The Muppets theme song? 

Today has been very full.  I got up and did a bunch of cleaning and laundry this morning.  Brian was really looking forward to watching the Civil War (OR ST vs OR) today, so I decided to let him have the house to himself.  It's really hard to get into games and such, when the boys are in your face.  I took the boys into Peru for lunch, shopping, then we saw The Muppets (great movie), and then I got their haircuts.  After we got done in Peru, we headed into Princeton, so the boys could go to this X-Mas event at the club.  It wasn't much, but the boys did get to see Santa and got to pet a deer.  Oh yeah, they also played on a bouncy house for a while.  Then, at 8:30 we had tix for the "Polar Express train."  Really, it was a trolley, and it was totally lame.  They basically drove from the club to downtown (one block through town), and then back to the club.  It was really a waste of money, but I guess you live and learn.  All and all what a fantastic day!  Ooh, on a side note...the local t.v. station only played one play of the Civil War and then switched it to another game.  This was done, even though it was the scheduled game.  Because it was the scheduled game ESPN showed another game (the same one ABC was playing).  Oh, poor Brian.  He was pissed!  I feel so bad that he wasn't able to enjoy the game.

I hope you all are enjoying your long weekend.

Much love,

Jen

I hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving!  It's said that the average American eats 3500 calories in their Thanksgiving meal.  I guess that's not entirely surprising.  I mean, unless you're stuffed you don't think it's a successful holiday, right?  Well, at least that's how I usually think.  And...well, mission accomplished.  I ate way too much.  And then, why stop there?  There's leftovers today.  So, with all of this artery clogging food, I decided to do my body a favor and have a glass of red wine : )  Now...the dilemma...one more?  Which may lead to yet another?  hmmm...time will tell.  Anyway, I hope that your holiday was "successful" in all things you consider important: your health, your family, your friends, and laughter.

Before I sucumb to the madness of Black Friday, Brian and I were laying in our bedroom, watching t.v.  Cal got up and came in the room for a drink of water or something.  He didn't want to wear p.j.'s last night, so when he walked in, I nearly died...his underwear were on backwards.  Brian and I nearly died laughing.  He wore them like that all day.  This year has been a true blessing, in that he finally started dressing himself, but he really has no time for particulars...like putting them on right.  The other day he put on his pullover jacket backwards.  I told him to fix it, and then he turned it around, but then had it inside out.  I don't think this has anything to do w/ his delays.  I think he really just doesn't pay attention and can't be bothered w/ trivial details.  Anyway, after we got our laugh on, I braved the night to go shopping.  Of course that meant I had to go to my most hated store, Walmart.  I have to tell you: it really wasn't that bad out here.  When I went to check out (about 11:30), I was only 3 people deep in the line.  I was very encouraged by this, so I drove another 40 mins. to go to Target.  Well, then it was back to Black Friday reality.  The line went all the way around the front, side, and almost all the way to the end of the back of the building (outside).  Once you finally got in, it was so hard to maneuver, as the line double wrapped all around the inside for the cash registers.  I was able to get most of the things I went in for, though.  When money's tight, you do what you have to, in order to provide the best Christmas you can for your kids.  Well, I guess that's true of any year.  I know it all sounds so materialistic, and that's not what Christmas is all about...I'm all about being honest, and I do end up working hard to get the kids what they want.   It's something that I'm always trying to improve upon.  I know there are a million other ways to show your love and appreciation, but I still revert back to the gift giving.  They get the other stuff as well, but anyhow...not sure why I'm feeling the need to justify my actions, when there really is no justification...it's just how it is in my house.

So as this day ends, I'm left once again, thinking about the things that are most important to me in this life.  First and foremost, I'm thankful for my relationship with God.  I'm thankful that he has helped to deliver me from depression, and is putting me back on the right path.  I'm thankful that Brian, the kids, and I are all together.  Last year, Brian had to fly home to spend the weekend with us.  I'm glad that we are all under one roof, and that we are all healthy.  I'm thankful for my phenomenal friends and family.  I love everything from texting my cousins about football, to random text showing me love and appreciation.  And I must say, I am certainly thankful for this website.  I'm so honored that you take the time to learn about my day.  And I'm forever thankful for the new, and strengthened friendships this has brought my way.

Love you guys,

Jen

P.S.  Brian just started the movie Blade 2, so I guess I will have another

Today Cal had a play date set up w/ his friend Louie, from school.  I was so excited.  I think this may be the first "typical" play date he's had.  Anyway, Louie's mom, Amanda and I started talking a few weeks ago when we'd be waiting for the boys.  I instantly liked her.  It's one of those rare things, when you meet someone, and you think "friend material."  That doesn't happen a lot at our age.  In fact, the show, "Whitney" had an episode about that a couple of weeks ago.  They talked about reaching your "friend capacity" by your 30's.  Hilarious.  Anyway, as you know, I don't know anyone out here.  You'd think that'd make me less picky, but it really hasn't.  So....today's the big "play date" at our house (early release from school).  I cleaned the heck out of the house, even lit a nice candle.  I even did my hair, a little make up, and put on some "good" clothes (meaning not yoga pants or sweats).  As the time got closer to p/u the boys, I started getting excited to have company.  Then it hit me....it feels like I'm getting ready for a date!  The whole, "I hope she likes me" was going through my head and everything.  lol  I crack myself up.  So, once we all walk into the house, Cal immediately says, "It smells different in here.  It smells a lot cleaner."  I nearly died...and told him it was that I had a candle lit.  Oh dear God, please don't let her think that my house usually stinks!  After that, the kids all ran to play in Cal's room, and Amanda and I totally hit it off.  It was a totally effortless visit.  It was almost like visiting w/ an old friend.  So, I think it's safe to say, there will be a second date.  :)  She even invited us over for Thanksgiving dinner.  I know we won't go, but it was an awfully nice gesture.  So, yay me!  I think I finally have a friend out here!  Oh yeah, and so does Cal!  They get along so well!  Good day.  Good, good day.  Oh, except for the diet....fucking cheese curds.  Damn midwesterners have me hooked!

I spent half of today driving.  I went on a 45 min. drive to p/u a video game for the boys.  They had pre-ordered the new WWE game.  Those boys are so obsessed w/ wrestling.  Anyhoo, my GPS took me about another 45 mins to the wrong place.  Oh well.  I really enjoy driving and listening to music.  It's calming.  Well, at least once I figure out GPS screwed me and figure out where I really need to go.  I miss I5 and 205.  It was so freaking easy.
I'm picking up my iphone tonight.  I'm excited but nervous at the same time.  I'm not very technologically inclined, to say the least.  I really need a new phone, though.  My droid has been shutting off and not coming back on.  Plus, I'm not getting messages right away.  Out here in the boonies, I desperately need my phone.  It's my only contact to the outside world (well, besides this site :).
So, here's the Song Of The Day.  It's an oldie, but it always makes me smile.  I go between liking the fast version better than the acoustic, and vice verse.  I must say that the acoustic is what made me fall in love with it.  Can you imagine if someone sang you this song?  It would be instant love.  I mean, it's made me hot for Dave Grohl, and without this song....he certainly isn't my type.  I don't like to outweigh my crushes by 100 lbs.  So, if you don't know this song, get to know it.  You'll thank me :)
P.S.  My diet has sucked shitty ass for the past 3 days.

Everlong by Foo Fighters

Hello
I've waited here for you,
Everlong
Tonight I throw myself into
And out of the red
Out of her head she sang

Come down
And waste away with me
Down with me
Slow how
You wanted it to be
I'm over my head
Out of her head she sang

And I wonder
when I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

Breathe out
So I can breathe you in
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/f/foo-fighters-lyrics/everlong-lyrics.html ]
Hold you in
And now
I know you've always been
Out of your head
Out of my head I sang

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

And I wonder
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when

-fyi  I have the absolute worst memory...I count on Caity and counted on Gail Blatchley to provide me w/ events that have happened

Brian had yesterday off, so we went into IA to do some shopping and have an early lunch at Red Robin.  We went to have lunch in the bar, but we were not going to drink.  As we walk into the bar, I hear, "Jen?  Is that you, Jen Robinson?"  I immediately know it must be someone from WRG, but I look at him, and I'm at a total loss (my mind immediately went to the last time that happened when I was going home for my 10 yr. reunion.  This other guy did the same thing, then even told me his name....and I still didn't get it, and then he says quietly, "we graduated together."  Now, mind you, I graduated w/ 34 people.  Then, it rang a bell...not only was it a classmate, but it was also the guy I made out w/ at our Senior party.  Talk about feeling like a dick).  So, here I am again, and thank God "Pete" has a nametag on.  Then it clicked, he's on my facebook.  It was Pete Koch.  What a small world!  It was so, so good to see him!  It really made me miss home, and all of the good friends from along the way.  So....then instead of having iced tea...I went w/ the Wrangell standby, Coors Light.  We stayed for 2 or 3 hours and then the party continued once we got back to the Nut.  Brian and I grabbed some dinner and had a drink. Then, I went next door to the shit hole bar, where a super cool gal I met last weekend was bartending.  It was like being at the Brigg!  There was a bunch of nice older men, of course pervy, but harmless.  Holy smokes!  I had so much fun!  I had the jukebox rocking and then some of the guys put together a card game to teach me how to play 3 card? I think it was.  I still don't know how to play, even though I did it for a few hours.  Finally at 10:30 Brian calls, and says, "are you ready to come home?"  lol  I guess I was.  God bless him for putting up w/ me, and letting me do my own thing when I thought I needed it.  However...today I've been paying for my unexpected day of drinking.  What a slug.  I finally pulled myself together about 3 to get some cleaning done, etc.  It's now 5, and I'm still moving slowly....  Oh well.  I really did have a good time yesterday, and I really needed it.
So.  The diet has not been good the past 2 days, but I haven't eaten a ton.  I've just consumed huge amounts of calories from alcohol.
Today has also been a day of healing, which I desperately needed.  Feels good.
Hope you guys are having a great weekend, and that you're staying hangover free ; )  Learn from my mistakes, kids.

~Jen

Okay, I readily admit it...I'm procrastinating going on a walk.  It's so dang cold and windy out there, but I know I need to do it....so after this I'll bundle up and go for it.

We watched the Biggest Loser this morning.  I'm so glad Bonnie finally went home.  She was like nails on the chalk board to me.  I am glad that she continued to lose at home, though.  I didn't know if she had it in her.

Last nights crazy dreams: I dreamt that I lost a ton of weight, but I still had these ugly fucking puffy bags under my eyes.  In my dream, I even looked at surgical options, but to no avail.  Real nice.
The next one was better.  In this dream, I had a quickie marriage (like 5 days), but he was a sociopath, so I had to run from him.  Thankfully Steve Andropolis (old school As The World Turns-married to Meg Ryan's character) and Brett Favre were there to help me run.  After a week or so, Steve asked me to marry him and I said, yes.  I knew I had a crush on Brett, but Steve was such an awesome guy.  Anyway, later that day, I find myself alone w/ Brett Favre (who by the way was missing his top 2 front teeth...) who proclaimed his undying love for me and asked me to marry him.  I said yes, and I had to break it off w/ Steven Andropolis from ATWT.  Unfortunately, I woke up before there was any consummating of the relationship :)  The stuff that must float around in my head.  The good news is, no night sweats!  I'll take that any day of the week.

I have a phone date today.  Yay!  When I started this site, I really thought I would be inspiring others, not needing inspiration.  In this journey, I've really been blessed to be able to strengthen existing friendships.  In this case, I'll be talking to someone that I've always been friendly with, but haven't been super close to (she's my friends sister).  I don't want to mention any names, but her initials are Asha.  haha.  I feel so lucky to have gotten to know her so much better through this process.  Yay, for me!

Food:
9:00  2 slices of wheat toast w/ Earth Balance and boiled egg whites, Caffeine Diet Coke
1:35  PB&J on wheat, banana, mandarin orange, bite size 3 Muskateers
2:00  Caffeine free Diet Coke

Exercise:
12:00  Took Junior for 1/3 mile walk, then walked 4 miles in the bitter freaking cold and wind.  Felt awesome!

I am so not ready for this winter.  I took a walk out today, and although the sun was out, it was freaking cold!  The wind was absolutely brutal!  I don't think I'm going to handle this winter very well.  I apologize in advance for all the bitching I'm sure to do.

Anxiety crept up on me again last night, but I'm really thankful that I was able to make it through without any self destructive behaviors :)  Baby steps, right?!

I have the wildest, most vivid dreams.  I guess it makes sense since my mind never turns off during the day, either.  My mind can take me to places, where I go, where in the fuck did that come from?  Anyway, I have this reccuring dream that Natalie Maines and I are either friends, bff's, or I'm the 4th member of the Dixie Chicks.  Am I little obsessed?  You got it.  I love them.  They are amazingly brilliant.  They write songs that are so spot on, that it just leaves me wondering how somebody can put those things into words like that.  So, once again, I had a DCX, Natalie Maines based dream.  In this dream, I won some contest to get to meet the DCX.  As it happened to be, lots of my friends won the same contest.  There were friends from all over.  There were some weird friend dynamics going on, not everyone getting along, etc, but that was just kind of in the background.  Anyway, we got to spend the day w/ Natalie.  In a word, she was a cunt.  (Yes, I said the "C" word.  I've always hated that word w/ a passion.  I would cringe would people would say it.  I used it not to long ago, and it was so liberating.  It was so freeing to use that word, and not let it hold any power.  Now I love it, although I rarely use it.  So, I guess I'll take this opportunity to say: cunt, cunt, cunt.)  So, in the dream, Natalie was rude to me, and acted as if I were beneath her.  I was so crushed.  I figured I'd let all that go, as I still loved their music.  We all went to the concert and were up against the stage.  They only sang 2 songs, and I'd never heard them before, but other people were mouthing the words.  After the 2 songs, they left the stage and the announcer said they were sick and the show was over!  Everyone was so calm and okay w/ it, and just started leaving the venue.  I was outraged!  Thankfully my friend was there to hand me some Capt. Morgans which we drank straight from the bottle (btw, I've never drank that straight, let alone from the bottle).  So, in a nutshell, I had a dream in which Natalie Maines was a complete cunt and I no longer loved the DCX.  How's that for a messed up dream?  I swear that stuff I dream up sometimes.  Too damn crazy.  Anyway, hope you enjoyed the craziness and it made you smile.  p.s.  Cunt.



Food:
9:30  slice of whole wheat toast w/ pb, Caffeine free Diet Coke
10:30  Mandarin Orange
12:30  Brown rice w/ mixed veggies (mostly asparagus), tabasco sauce, and salad (spring mix w/ spinach) w/ homemade vinaigrette dressing, Caffeine free diet
2:45  Bowl of oatmeal (made w/ soy milk) plus some brown sugar
3:35  bite size 3 Muskateers
5:30  Brocoli and 4 Bisquick biscuits w/ Earth Balance spread
7:00  another biscuit...
7:30  Herbal tea

Exercise:
1:00 Took Junior for 1/3 mile walk, then went an additional 4 miles.  The 4 felt like 10, though.  Walking into that wind was not fun!