Lyrics to my favorite Halloween song.  KSTK used to play this a ton of times on Halloween, and I'd get so excited every time it came on.  This song reminds me of being a kid.  I still love it as much today.

Monster Mash
I was working in the lab, late one 
night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
For my monster from his 
slab, began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise
He did the mash, he did the monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
He did the mash, it caught on
in a flash
He did the mash, he did
the monster mash
From my
laboratory in the castle east
To the master bedroom, where the vampires feast
The ghouls all came from their humble  abodes
To get a jolt from my  electrodes
He did the mash, he  did the monster mash
It was a  graveyard smash
He did the mash, it  caught on in a flash
He did the  mash, he did the monster mash
The zombies were having fun, the party had just begun
The guests included Wolf Man, Dracula and  his
son
The scene was rockin',  all
were digging the sounds Igor on 
chains, backed by his baying houndsThe coffin-bangers were about to arriveWith their vocal group, "The Crypt-Kicker
Five"
He did the mash, he did
the monster  mash
The monster mash,
it was a  graveyard smashThey
played the  mash, it caught on in a flash
He played the mash, he did the monster mash
Out from his coffin, Drac's voice did ring
Seems he was troubled by just one thing
He opened the lid and shook his fist
And said, "Whatever happened to my Transylvania 
twist?"
It's now the mash, it's 
now the monster mash
The monster mash, and it's a graveyard smash
It's the mash, it's caught on in a flashIt's the mash, it is the monster mash
Now everything's cool, Drac's a part of the bandAnd my monster mash is the hit of the 
landFor you, the living, 
this mash was meant too
When 
you get to my door, tell them Model A sent you
Then you can mash, then you can monster
mashThe monster mash, and do
a  graveyard smashThen you can
mash,  you'll catch on in a flashThen you  can mash, then you can monster
mash

Read more: MISFITS
- MONSTER MASH LYRICS

I was hoping to wake up feel awesome today, but this little booger keeps holding on.  It’s not so bad, though.  The worst part was when I had a huge series of sneezes driving into work this morning.  I’ve been so good about tightening up when they’ve hit, but one sneeze got me this morning.  The sneeze won.  Nothing like starting your day w/ a little pee pee in your panties.  Oh but wait, that wasn’t the first
thing that happened. It’s cold
here: very cold.  This morning
everything was completely frosted over, including my car.  I turned the heat all the way up and turned on the rear defrost.  I went in and finished getting the boys ready, came out and hardly anything had melted.  I was pissed. It was 5 minutes into my drive that I realized I had my air conditioner on, not my rear defrost.  I swear I should be walking around with some metal bracelet that tells people I
shouldn’t be allowed to drive or make decisions for myself.

Recently I’ve been trying to make some sort of list in my head of what I need to do to improve my overall wellbeing.  Some things are simple, like not
spending as much time playing games on my phone, but oh how I love that.  I love my nightly dates w/ HP and WWF.  But I really should be spending my time actually accomplishing things.  I’m not burning a lot of calories and I
lay there playing on my phone.  Of course, with perfect timing my phone’s dinging at my and it’s H.P. and WWF.  We usually don’t play a lot during the
day as our work days keep us pretty busy.  But I have to admit, when I go into the game, I’m always stoked when I see it’s her that’s playing.  LMAO….  I’d messaged her on there telling her she was making it difficult for me to write about quitting while the games were coming in.  She says, “Mission Accomplished!”  lol Gotta love her.  Anyway, as usual I get off track very
easily.  That’s one of the easier things to do.  That’s going to be the easiest thing to cut out, but I will miss it the most.  I need to figure out how to get the most of my time/health.  Some things are going to have to give.  My plate gets too stacked a lot of the time.  I feel pulled in a lot of directions, but that’s probably my fault.  I definitely spread myself too thin.

In all, I need to keep my eye on the prize.  The prize being keeping myself happy and healthy, while taking great care of my family and helping them be the same way.  My prize is also doing something for a living in which I find fulfillment. But I probably won’t be ready for that until I can find my own
fulfillment in my life.  I’m so close.  I have so much.  I thank God for it every day.  I just wish I didn’t let me head and anxiety get in the way of myself so much.  I wish I trusted myself more.  I wish I trusted OTHERS more.  There’s a key right there.  It’s hard to accept love from people, when you can’t believe they truly have love for you.  I really need to work on that right there.  “Yeah, that’s the ticket.”  So, yes my self journey continues this week.  I really hope to have more answers next week, along with a plan.  Yes, a plan for happiness.  Lol  I am the consummate control freak, that’s for sure.

I heard some great songs driving in this morning, including She’s Tight which I thought was hilarious given the fact that I must not be that tight or I wouldn’t have pissed myself.  But shockingly enough I’m coming back to a Pink song.  It’s the first song on the c.d., Are We All We Are.  I heard Jillian Michaels talking about how it was on her workout playlist and it makes total sense.  The song rocks.  I have the best video in my head about it.  It’s centered
around a Thunderdome (like from the Mad Max movie), and you have all of these different types and sizes in there to work out.  It shows the effort, the smiles, the accomplishment, as Pink runs around being the instructor and motivator.  It’s really cool.  Wish you could live in my head for the duration of the song :)

Hope you all have a wonderful day, even if it is Monday.  We’re here. We’re breathing.  We’re taking it all in.
~Jen


"Are We All We Are"


Are we all we are
Are we all we are

Cut to now, holy wow

When did everything become such a hell of a mess?
Maybe now, maybe now, can
somebody come and take this off my chest?

I know you think it's not your
problem
I know you think that God will solve them
But if your shit is not
together
It'll never be you and me, plant the seed
Open up and let it
be

We are the people that you'll never get the best of
Not forget the
rest of, rest of (Ooohhh)
We've had our fill, we've had enough, we've had it
up here
Are we all we are
Are we all we are

We are the people that
you'll never get the best of
Not forget the rest of, rest of (Ooohhh)
Just
sing it loud, until the kids will sing it right back
Are we all we are
Are
we all we are

Are we all we are
Are we all we are

Seven
seconds, seven seconds
That is all the time you got to make your point
My
attention, my attention's like an infant tryna crawl around this joint

I
know we're better than the masses
But we're all followin' our asses
And if
our shit is not together
It'll never be you and me, plant the seed
Open
and let it be

We are the people that you'll never get the best of
Not
forget the rest of, rest of (Ooohhh)
We've had our fill, we've had enough,
we've had it up here
Are we all we are
Are we all we are

We are the
people that you'll never get the best of
Not forget the rest of, rest of
(Ooohhh)
Just sing it loud, until the kids will sing it right back
Are we
all we are
Are we all we are

Four, that's how many years it took me to
get through the lesson
That I had to do it all on my own
Three, that's how
many Hail Mary's they would pray for me
Thinkin' I was gonna end up all
alone
Two for second chances that you've given me,
Can it be, lucky me,
lucky me, now let's go
One, it's what we are, it's what we are
Are we all
we are
Are we all we are

We are the people that you'll never get the
best of
Not forget the rest of, rest of (Ooohhh)
We've had our fill, we've
had enough, we've had it up here
Are we all we are
Are we all we are


We are the people that you'll never get the best of
Not forget the rest
of, rest of (Ooohhh)
Just sing it loud, until the kids will sing it right
back
Are we all we are
Are we all we are

We are the people that
you'll never get the best of
Not forget the rest of, rest of (Ooohhh)

We've had our fill, we've had enough, we've had it up here
Are we all we
are
Are we all we are

We are the people that you'll never get the best
of
Not forget the rest of, rest of (Ooohhh)
Cut to the future, sing it
loud, and take the power back
Are we all we are
Are we all we
are

This photo cracked me up.  I don't know about you, but just seeing all the Christmas stuff in the stores kind of stresses me out.  It makes me think of all of the things I need to buy and all the money I need to spend.  I know, that's not the meaning of Christmas at all, but when in a retail environment it's where your mind goes.  And yes, it is only October.  In fact, Halloween is just a few days away.  I don't even have my Halloween decorations up.  Maybe I should do that today....there's a thought.  I haven't bought my candy, yet, either.  Usually I have that done early.  We like to do the regular size candy bars, but that's probably not in the stars this year.  I used to buy them from Costco, but here isn't one near here.  I haven't seen any big candy sales, either.  Looks like the little crappy candy this year.  It may be a good thing, since we live in a good size residential neighborhood.

I'm not feeling 100% yet, but I feel loads better.  In fact, I even got out with the fam today to a Halloween deal at the Nature preserve here in town.  It was really pretty cool.  It was free to get into, and they had lots to do.  We took a really cool hay ride, and the boys played all sorts of games.  It was really a great time.  I felt good to be a participant in my own life after feeling so crappy for so many days.

A friend of mine text me today, thanking me for recommending: "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead."  It's really a great documentary on how food effects our health and wellness.  I may need to watch it again today.  I need to light a fire under my ass, fo' sho.  She wants to do a program together, but I know I'm not ready this week.  This week will prove to be exceptionally stressful.  I'm making steps toward turning things around, though. I just know myseslf well enough to know that stress and my diet usually aren't bff's.  So, I'll keep preparing myself for next week.

My hubby and I are now camped out on the sofa watching the Cowboys play.  He's a lifetime Cowboys fan.  I can take 'em or leave 'em, but I am pulling for them today, as I picked them to win.  Plus, it's nice just to hang out with him.  He worked a lot this week, and I was sick, so we didn't get a lot of quality time together.  I'm lying here with my legs on his lap.  It's the things like this in life that make me happiest.  Just feeling so comfortable being with the man I married.  Sometimes it's so easy.  The easiest thing in the world.  Too bad, life throws us the stresses it does in relation to parenting, money, time, blah, blah, blah to complicate even the easiest of loves at times.  But for now, I'll enjoy what we have, what our day is, what our life is.

I hope your weekend has treated you well.  Been thinking of you guys.  Love and miss my friends in a big way.

~Jen

Getting over it: really could mean a lot of things.  Today it means I'm on the mend from this nasty bug.  It also means that my mind is free today, and I'm not beholden to my self doubt and low self esteem.  Yesterday was hard, real hard.  It came on pretty suddenly.  I kept getting interrupted as I was doing my post (which is normal, since I was at work and that comes first), and as time went on I just felt more and more lousy.  Then my head went to its bad spaces and some of it flooded out to the blog.  But today is a new day.  I don't feel good (physically), yet, but I'm much better off than I was yesterday.

Brian and Ryne went to the local h.s. football playoff game today.  Beforehand they also went to lunch.  Caleb didn't want to go, so I made myself pull my shit together (which, btw doesn't include me showering today :), and took Cal out to lunch.  He absolutely loves this local Mexican restaurant.  Crap, I should've taken a picture of what he orders.  It's the kids nachos and it's huge.  It's one of the most disgusting thing a Vegetarian can look at.  The chips are just piled with ground beef, and then there's a white cheese poured over the top making it look even worse.  And as always, Caleb asks what is hamburger made of?  Then he'll go on to hot dogs, etc.  He knows the answers, but I tell him anyway, as he happily eats his dead cow (and let me tell you, I hope it's cow).  Overall, it felt good to get out of the house if even for a short time.

For the most part, the rest of today has been full of, well, rest.  90% rest, 10% cleaning.  Not bad odds when you're not feeling 100%.  I also received a call from Tammi, and we talked forever.  Damn I love that girl.  I know you do, too, if you've ever met her.  You'd be hard pressed to meet anyone more honest, open, loving and just makes you feel good to talk to.  It definitely helps that she loves to laugh.  It makes me feel like I'm actually funny :)  She even helps me in laughing at myself.  She hasn't been feeling well this week, either.  She had talked about being clumsy yesterday, and I let her know that it had been all day for me.  My head wasn't on straight.  It started in the shower.  I seriously must've dropped the soap 10 times or more.  Thank God I wasn't in prison, because I'd be sending out signals that I wouldn't want to extend.  Next, I was getting Cal's lunch ready and dropped his fruit cup, splattering it all over the floor and the socks I'd put on a minute before.  Not much longer, I went out to my car to head for work and through my backpack onto the floor of the passenger seat.  Unfortunately, I caught the hard plastic straw in my Green juice cup.  It snapped it right at the point where it comes over the cover.  I'm shocked I made it to work in one piece.  Anyway, I was serious in telling Tammi about how out of it I was and she couldn't quit laughing.  Of course that made me laugh, and we were able to take ourselves less seriously even though we both felt like dung.

My relaxing today has consisted of hanging with the boys and talking.  But the biggest portion really has been dedicated to reading the second Harry Potter book.  I finished the first last night.  I must say that I'm enjoying them, but I'm not in love with them.  I hear they start getting really good at the 3 book mark.  I'm hopefull.  It's been so nice, just to rest and read, though.  Good for the soul.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Jen

Ah, the “common cold.” It sounds innocent enough, right? I mean it is common.  But MOFO, can it make you feel like shit.  I caught Cal’s cold around
Sunday-ish.  The first couple of days weren’t so bad, but now it’s got me by the short hairs.  I woke up (after falling asleep by 9 last night), thinking it was a bit
better, but that was just a mind fuck.  Now, I have an earache to go with it.  I don’t feel well, but I am also smart enough to know that it could be much, much worse. I’ve had it worse than this, and I’ll have it worse than this again.  So, I’ll take this “common cold” and ride it on out.  I have 3 more hours at work, before I head for the comfort of my own bed, with the heat cranked, and extra blankets.  I am so incredibly glad the weekend is here.  I’m hoping it gives me enough time to get over this thing. I have Tues and Wed off next week, and I’d like to be feeling good going into that time.

My mind has been swimming a lot lately with what I need to do, how I need to get there, in regards to my body and overall health.  Ah, Jesse….Good Lord I love my Dr. Hook station on Pandora. It’s so infuriating because I know what
I need to do.  I need to stick with it.  This week has been a mix of really good eating decisions and really lousy ones. At this weight, I can’t afford to not stick to it.  I’ve been thinking about the ppl I played sports with growing up, and
those in college. Do you know that I’m the only fatty? I’m dead serious.  Everyone else kept their shit together.  I know it’s not easy, but they’ve done it.  Some of them are in better shape now than they were back then.  It’s really made me think….how come I went in such a different direction, from fucking everyone?  Have I always been so weak and pathetic?  Even back when I would have considered myself an athlete?  I never considered myself a natural athlete that’s for sure.  Back then I knew I had to work harder than anyone else, just to fit in.  I guess once I quit caring about fitting in, it just all went to hell and a hand basket. I mean…fuck.  All of those ppl are in good shape.  I’m so proud of them and proud to be their friend.  It just boggles my mind.  We all had some set of tools and out of everyone I pissed mine away. What a fuck…

Even starting this blog couldn’t shame me into becoming a healthier person.  I’m about the same weight as when I started this thing over a year ago.  I still have the same struggles in my head that I had a year ago.  Even after talking and talking and talking about them…. I’ve even recently had something in my life that would force me to conquer my eating habits and lack of exercise issues.  Really, it should FORCE me.  I did great for a couple of weeks and then fell flat on my face.  I’m exhausted.  I’ve exhausted you, and I know damn well it has to be exhausting to some of my friends (I’ve even been told by one that I exhaust them).  Now, there’s a feeling, the thing I think I’m best at in the world: being a friend, and I’m just a life sucker to those I care about.  I guess I should shut up.  I’m too tired to be doing this blog right now.  This cold has me drained, and my own brain is cooked.  Hopefully I’ll wake up tomorrow with some relief all the way around.

*****8:00  I left work a couple of hours early.  Wow.  Did that help.  I'm not feeling great physically, but I am better.  I'm feeling a million times better mentally, though, thank God.  I thought about deleting parts of this post, but I've never done that, so I shouldn't start now.  I was just so tired....  The decision to come home was really a lifesaver.

I had one song in mind for the song of the day today, but I can’t find it online and I don’t have the patience to spend any time looking for it.  Geez, I really bummed myself out writing today.  WTF.  After searching the web a bit, I’ve come back down.  What a fuck.  Anyway, I love Your Song and so here it is. Have a good weekend everyone.

~Jen


"Your Song"

It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those
who can easily hide
I don't have much money but boy if I did
I'd buy a big
house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, but then again,
no
Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show
I know it's not much
but it's the best I can do
My gift is my song and this one's for you


And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now
that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down
in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I sat on the
roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they've got me
quite cross
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song
It's for
people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting but these
things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway
the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever
seen

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite
simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind
that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the
world

I’ve been fighting off this head cold thingy since Sunday or so.  It finally
grabbed a good hold of me last night, and this morning.  It’s been quite a while since I’ve been sick, so I really shouldn’t bitch.  Plus, I know it could be a lot worse, so I’m just hoping it stays where it’s at.

Although I wasn’t feeling well, last night I was able to be in the moment and keep myself busy.  After I picked up the boys, I helped with homework, made dinner, and then took Cal to swim practice.  I must confess that I didn’t watch him too much, though.  I started that Harry Potter book.  It’s been surprisingly entertaining.  It almost might be the easiest read I’ve ever had.  It’s nice to not have to put any thought into it at all.  I think I was able to get down 70 pgs. in the hour long practice.  I’m definitely not a super-fast reader, so that says something about how it’s written. I think it’s definitely geared toward younger kids, and I do mean maybe Cal’s age.  Lol  My mind is so simple to be entertained by something like this.  After I got home, though, I did start to think about how much I love to read.  I think I should always have a book
going.  I don’t know why I don’t.  I guess I think I never have time for it, but trust me, I’m one lazy fuck.  I’ve got the time.

So, I took another stab at therapy today.  I found a place in town (where I work), so it makes it a lot easier to make time for. I went on my lunch today. 
At first impression, the place is a shithole. Well, at every impression I guess. 
There’s no getting around it.  I wasn’t sure what I’d gotten myself into. But the gal was pretty good.  It was mainly just an overview of what I want from therapy, what I’ve gotten from it, blah, blah, blah, but she made me feel comfortable.  I’ll meet with her in another couple of weeks.  She wants to work on my self worth, self-esteem, and not beating myself up so much.  Go figure. 
I had to pay to hear I have those issues?  Lol  Anyway, usually when I leave therapy I’m completely exhausted.  Brian doesn’t think I should go, because he thinks it always leaves me sad for a few days afterward.  The ppl that I know that go, usually feel better after going.  I guess I just get so mad at myself that I still need it after all of these years, and that I don’t feel like I’m any better off than when I started.  But if I really look myself in the mirror, I know it’s been a sort of savior for me. I’d never been to therapy until Caleb was diagnosed. 
That’s what got me started.  I do know it helped me through that time.  For a long time, it was the only place I felt I could have any sort of emotion. Funny in light of what my hormones have done to me over the past year or so.  Being emotional is no longer an issue.  Keeping things bottled up sometimes still is, but at least I can let it out more often.  So, I guess going to therapy today was a good thing.  It’s given me a minute to reflect on how far I’ve come in some ways.  I just hate that I get overwhelmed by how far I think I still need to go. 
There are some things from my life that I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to get past. That’s so very frustrating to me, because ppl have most certainly had to overcome more than I’ve had in this life. It leaves me feeling weak….a feeling I’m used to, I guess.

I mixed a country c.d. for Brooker, the other night.  I listened to it, and I’d put Everybody Knows by the Dixie Chicks on the c.d.  Man, I love them.  I sure miss them.  Like a ton. If I could see any concert, it would be to see them again.  I’ve already seen them a few times, but fucking A they’re good.  I hadn’t listened to this song in a while, but just like nearly every DCX song, it takes you a bunch of places.  This song certainly seems poignant today.   Hope you like it.

Happy Hump Day,
Jen

"Everybody Knows"

Tell me now if you came sneaking up behind
Would you know me and
see behind the smile
I can change like colors on a wall
Hoping no one else
will find what lies beneath it all
I think I hide it all so well


Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my
life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my name
That's
the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows

Looking through the
crowd
I search for something else
But every time I turn around
I run
into myself
Here I stand
Consumed with my surroundings
Just another
day
Of everybody looking
I swore they'd never see me cry
You'll never
see me cry

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I
can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget
my name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows


You say I'll pay the price
That's the chance that I'll take
Though you may
think I'm telling lies
But I just call it getting by

Stepping out,
everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life

Everybody knows

Standing out so you won't forget my name
That's the
way we play this game of life
Everybody knows I am just barely getting
by

Ah, Wonderful Tonight is on Pandora now.  It’s such an amazingly beautiful song to me. 
I’m such a sucker for that kind of music.  It’s funny, I always pictured this amazing love between Eric Clapton and what’s her face….(George Harrison’s ex), who the song is written about. Oh, I think her name is Patty. Anyway, I read Eric’s autobiography, and holy shit was he a terrible man to her.  Also, he wrote this song while he was getting pissed for her taking too long to get ready.  Now, that’s talent….. 
Making it into a beautiful song like that.  Oh, now I Guess That’s Why They
Call It the Blues is on.  Again, love this song…love the video, too.  

Ah, music.  It just might be my biggest saving grace in this world. I love getting lost in the lyrics, and I love the memoires it brings or who it reminds me of.  For just about every single song, I have some sort of memory, made up scenario, or it makes me think of someone.  Piano Man is on now, and I’m sure what it’s made me think of has changed over the years, but usually it makes me think of the Dueling Piano Bar at N.Y N.Y. in Vegas.  What a stretch, I know. 
Lol  In keeping with my music obsession, I made some mix c.d’s last night.  The Brooker always loves getting those, so I made her a few.  Making c.d.’s for ppl is really one of my favorite things to do.  I guess it’s becoming a lost phenomenon, though.  Most ppl just listen to Pandora, their IPod, Sirius, etc. anymore.  Thankfully me and several of my friends are still lost in the land of the c.d.  I do use those others tools (haha.  I said, “tool”), too though.  But mostly, I still love cd.’s.  I remember when you could first make mp3’s on a blank c.d., and you could fit like 150 songs.  That was when we were all first starting to music on our computers, and had access to all of our old c.d.’s, which we’d burned onto our p.c.’s.  Oh man, I loved those mp3’s.  I remember sending one to a friend, and it was such a treat, that she would pause it every time she left her desk, so she wouldn’t miss one song. It was big stuff.  I kinda miss those days, I guess.  That was also back when we'd listen to the radio and try (and often did) win radio station contests. Our whole office would get in on it.I can’t even tell you the last time I listened to terrestrial radio.  I’ve had Sirius since Stern went over, so it’s been many years I guess.  Not good from someone who grew up with a Step Dad that was a station Mgr, and a Mom that worked for the station, too.

It was completely dark on my drive into work this morning. It’s been this way for a week or two now.  Sucks.  But anyway, I played back a mix c.d. that I’d made for Brooke to make sure it turned out. I was loving the way it turned out. With nearly every song, I was thinking, oh I should make that today’s song.  First, I wanted it to be Sex On Fire. I know the title of the song makes it obvious, but that song is hot.  Everything about that song issexy.  I love the beat, and I love his voice and the way he sings it. Mmmmmm.  Then, I thought it would be, With or Without You, by U2.  I’ve always absolutely loved that song, but they really rocked it when we saw them live. Actually they rocked everything. Phenomenal song.  But really, when I hear it, I think of a concert they did, that I saw on T.V.  For that song, Bono pulled some girl onstage, and they laid down next to each other. She laid there with her head on his
outstretched arm.  Looking up, you could see the stars.  He just laid there and sang that song, with her by his side the whole time.  Holy shit.  Now, that’s a
fantasy come true right there.  I’m sure my explanation isn’t doing it justice, but it was so awesome. So, I went between those two songs, before finally coming out of the windyroads I’d been driving to open farm land. From there, it was no longer black, but it was grey out.  A dark, eerie grey.  That’s when The
Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning) came on.  How perfect. I’ve always really loved this song by Vertical Horizon.  I didn’t love the Gary Allan version so much.  I’m touched that he sang the song in reaction to his wife that had
committed suicide. But that’s too much of a downer for me. For me, it’s a haunting song, that’s beautiful in its own way.  So, that’s todays song. 
Anyway, if you’re not familiar with it: I promise you’ll love it.

Yep, total music geek today. As, I am most days.Hope you’re all having a great
day.  P.S.  Sorry-this site is screwing up. 

You know the expression, my cup runneth over?  This morning it’s my mind
runneth over.  It all started after I finally got in my car and on my way to work this morning.  The boys were stressing me out this morning, and usually I love just listening to music on the way into work, and I try to focus on thinking of
nothing at all, or I’m fighting off the negative places that my head likes to go.  This morning, negative things won.  I fucking hate that.  It’s so frustrating to have a brain that works like this sometimes (well, nearly all the time).  It sucked in school, when I would need to focus on one thing, but my mind
would only go toward things that I didn’t get, or anything that would actually
distract me from the task at hand.  I’m sure my shrink could give me something to make it better, but I already hate taking things, and I  think daily of getting myself to a place, physically and mentally where I don’t need to take anything. 
Taking pills for anxiety and depression makes me feel so weak….  I know that’s silly, because I believe they really can help ppl. I see them help ppl.  I even know a couple of ppl, (and I mean this in the most loving of ways) that could benefit from taking them.  How about all of that for a Monday morning?  Sucks, huh?

Anyway near the end of my drive I heard, Small Town by John Mellencamp.  I don’t think I’d heard that song in ages.  But in a way, it was a gift.  It reminded me of how lucky I was to have grown up on that island.  It reminded me of family, blood and just the same as blood. It reminded me of acceptance.  It reminded me of our group of friends.  It’s crazy to know that we have been friends since we were in pre-school.  We all had our ups and downs growing up.  We all went with one crowd for a while, than another for a time, but in the end….we are sisters.  So, thinking of my sisters helped to slow my head down. 
This mind of mine that tears me up for the dumbest of things.  Who knows…maybe I should take something after all. See that…see that….my mind over working ;)

In addition to my mind being on overdrive, work has gotten off to a bad start.  I
didn’t schedule something in for soon enough, and it’s a huge deal. I’m working on trying to get it expedited, but I’m not sure if it’s going to happen.  It’s a new product for me to purchase, and I misunderstood about the frequency of ordering.  So, add it all together and I’m one big tight ball of stress, feeling it in my chest in a big way.  And you know what I thought, for maybe the very first time EVER?  I wished I could go to a gym, right now.  I need to work this off.  I really do.  The gym really probably is the answer for me.  It’s so fucking simple. 
What a lazy fuck.  I need to make time to get there…..  It has to happen, before I implode….

Okay, I’ve gotten up and picked up paperwork from another bldg.  Sometimes it just helps getting out of this office I’ve begun to think of as a tomb. I had a banana earlier, and now I’ve started eating some oatmeal,too.  My stomach has been kind of messed up lately.  Usually stress just causes me to eat and eat. 
Lately, it hasn’t been quite like that.  That’s when I know it’s the real f’ing deal.

Okay, before I go, hopefully I’ll give you a couple of things that will hopefully make you laugh or smile.  You know the picture from, Meet Karl?  Well, I sent that to a few of my friends that are also into taking inappropriate pictures. Ah, Lady is on.  And I love you best, you’re not like the rest…you’re there when I need you, you’re there when….I’m gonna need you. Love singing this song with my closest friends.  Anyway, I meant to send the Karl Sandwich picture to one friend, but text it to the wrong person.  Laura told me she never got it, so I sent it again….  It was just yesterday that I realized I sent it to a very, very conservative gal (g/f of one of Brian’s old co-workers….)  LMAO. Oh well.  I thought about sending an apology to her, but wtf.  It is what it is.

Another story that’s been randomly running through my head is from years ago.  An old co-worker/friend and I went out for drinks at Lindo (our old
stomping grounds in Vancouver).  We’d always run into ppl that we knew there.  Well, this particular night we ran into a co-worker that worked upstairs
(we worked downstairs, and it was a pretty large co. Our paths didn’t cross that much). Now, this guy is gorgeous.  He’s very metro, so not my type at all, but anyone would be able to appreciate his looks.  He was so good looking, he was almost pretty.  Anyway, he said, you hear any good rumors lately?  We didn’t have anything to add, so he let us know a couple rumors he heard, and said come on…you’ve got to hear something about upstairs.  To which my friend replies, “only that you’re gay.”  I almost died.  And knowing me I probably pissed myself a little bit.  He was, of course mortified, and then started telling us about all the girls from the co. that he’s banged.  And he could show us naked pics of so and so, blah, blah, blah.  It’s a large table and there’s a bunch
of different friends there, so I guess I get caught up in other conversations.  The next thing I know, I look over at my friend and the hot guy, and they are fully making out.  Right there at the table.  My jaw must’ve dropped to the floor…  My friend sees me, and as she’s making out with him, gives me the thumbs up above his head.  The rest of the night was more of the same, they’d be making out on the dance floor, and she’d give me some sort of signal.  It was one of the most hysterical things I’ve ever seen (almost as much as someone trying to find aspirin in a friends purse and pulling out a “flashlight” to help her see, which turned out to be a vibrator…but that’s a story for another time).  My friend and I still laugh about her make out session every once in a while.  And btw….she still thinks he’s gay.  :)

Ah, memory just cheered me up.  Hope it made you smile.

Much love,

Jen



Written
  by: John Mellencamp

Small Town


Well I was born in a small
town
And I live in a small town
Prob'ly die in a small town
Oh, those
small - communities

All my friends are so small town
My parents live
in a same small town
My job is so small town
Provides little opportunity,
hey!

Educated in a small town
Taught to fear Jesus in a small town

Used to daydream in that small town
Another born romantic that's me


But I've seen it all in a small town
Had myself a ball in a small town

Married an L.A. doll and brought her to this small town
Now she's small town
just like me

No I cannot forget where it is that I come from
I cannot
forget the people who love me
Yeah, I can be myself here in this small
town
And people let me be just what I want to be

Got nothing against a
big town
Still hayseed enough to say
Look who's in the big town
But my
bed is in a small town
Oh, that's good enough for me

Well I was born
in a small town
And I can breathe in a small town
Gonna die in a small
town
Ah, that's prob'ly where they'll bury
me

Oh, what a magnificent morning.  The sun is shining (although it's not bringing any warmth), and I got some wonderful sleep.  This is my favorite morning in a while.  By nature, I'm not a morning person, but I guess that's only when I have to get up and go to work.  haha.  I promise you this, though (and myself), one day mornings will not be so hard for me.  One day I'll work at a "job" that I'm excited about, a job that I have passion for.  If I were a better writer and not someone that writes at a 9th grade level, I'd dream of writing.  Well, actually in my wildest dreams I do dream of writing.  But I do have dreams that I feel could be within striking distance.  Dreams that are just beneath the surface of  my being.  But I need to get my fat ass in shape before those dreams can be a reality.  For now, I guess they are dreams in progress.  But dreams that I know will become a reality.

Back to my wonderful morning, I'm writing to you and to myself.  Sometimes I really do love doing this, love having this blog.  I have the unedited P!nk on, in the background, and it's the first time I've listened to this version.  Try is on now.  Everytime the music starts for this song, I see the video in my head.  I see how fit she is.  I see what an artist she is.  I'm not really artsy, but I can appreciate things like that.  I know I talk about Pink all the time, but it's really because I feel in some ways she can speak for me.  She speaks for so many of us.  What a talent.  The one thing I wish for her is that she weren't so angry.  You see it in the Try video, you hear it in some of her lyrics, you hear it in her.  But like everyone else, she's working on it, and she's getting "closer to fine" as you can hear with each album she puts out.  Yep, that's the way my brain works.  I want to make Pink happier.  I want to make everyone happier, inc. myself. 

Okay, back to my fantastic morning....  It all actually started yesterday.  We had a wonderful day as a familly.  I probably had the best meal I've had since living in the MW.  We had some excellent Thai food.  It was clean tasting and oh, so good.  We all loved it.  We got some errands done.  We dropped off a bunch of stuff to the Goodwill, and we picked up a huge bag of clothes for the boys (inc. like 6 pair of nice gym shorts for Ryne), for $14.  I even got myself this dumb little $2 Nativity Scene.  It's one of these that's just in one piece.  Anyway, I'm excited to put it on my desk for the month of December.  I have a great Nativity Scene for the house.  My mom bought it for me like 20 years ago.  It's simple.  It's beautiful.  And it is one of my most cherished possessions, no question.  The day all around was just really nice.  I made extra efforts to have better patience with the boys, and although it was a simple day, I know we all loved it.

Last night I was supposed to go a Haunted House with a friend.  I've never been to one before.  I was actually really excited.  Although, I must confess, I was scared to death that I'd piss my pants, so I already had planned to wear a pad.  Near the end of  day, I got super tired, though  When we got home from our day out, I went to lay down and totally fell asleep.  I slept through the text from my friend letting me know it was time to go.  I think I slept for about 3 hours.  Oh, beautiful, uninterupted sleep.  It's ashame that I missed the HH, but I'm so glad I got the sleep that I must've really needed.  A little bit after I woke up, it was time for the boys to go to bed.  Brian came up and we watched some Oregon State football (B was so excited.  It's never on out here), and we had some time to just chill and enjoy hanging out with each other.  We are friends before anything, and that has been the biggest key to what I consider a successful marriage (but don't confuse that with a perfect marriage ;), those don't exist, don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise).  I was also alseep again by 10:30 or so.  I had a great night's sleep.  A key to waking up to a wonderful morning.

Brian's now in the kitchen making his Sunday french toast.  I love that he does this for the kids every Sun.  It's such a nice bonding thing for them.  This is about the extent of  Brian and cooking, but if he's going to do anything, I'm glad it's this.  I can smell his pot of coffee.  I don't drink coffee, but I can appreciate the aroma it gives away.  About this same time, every single Sunday, I try to let my senses take over.  I try to take it all in.  Brian happy cooking, the boys jabbering with excitement, the smells....all of it.  It's one of the few times during the week, that I make myself stop and take in the moment.

Okay, I'm nealy done rambling on this morning.  Soon, the boys will come screaming down the stairs for breakfast, and I'll need to come out of my little bubble of peace and dive into the day.  But I'll leave you with this question that one of my fave authors posted on FB this morning.  Geneen Roth asked: Is what you are doing, being, eating bringing you closer to yourself or further away?  I love the question, but I don't love my internal answer.  I haven't been esp kind to myself lately, but my life is a work in progress.  Today is a step toward bringing myself closer....  I hope you love your own internal answer to this question.  If not, I hope the question helps you get where you want to go.

Much Love,
Jen

You may or may not know this about me, but I love to take really inappropriate pictures with cardboard cutouts,  statutes, really almost any inademate (sure I spelled that wrong) object.   Well, this is from last night.  The picture may be worth the hell of living in the Godforsaken Midwest.  The only thing I wish you could see better was the hair pulling.  The camera on my phone sucks.  I may have to go to the iPhone next year.  This  very same cutout of Jeff Gordan has seen many a picture from the ppl I work with.  What's even greater is my friend Laura now has ppl taking photos with it from the co. she works with (and they're mostly ppl from Japan).  Jeff kinda gets around.  Jeff's head was half way ripped off, from a previous picture to make him more accessible to lean toward Karl's crotch, but Jeff appears to be valuable enough, that the bar must've glued it back on.  You can hardly see a scar.  It's kinda a bummer, though.  I figured one day, I'd rip the head off and put it in Karl's office on his wall.  Oh, in case you're wondering....I'd only had one beer.  I don't need alcohol for these types of things.  It's too bad I don't let me mom read this blog.  She'd have yet another thing to be proud of me for.  At least Brian has a good humor about it.  I showed him last night, and he just laughs and shakes his head.  He knows his wife's a little big a crazy.

As I mentioned, Karl and I work together.  I'm really terrible with what ppl's titles are, but Karl is our Environmental guy.  He has to work with the EPA, and everything that involves keeping our plant safe, for our employees and the enviornment.  Karl is about 10 years younger than me, but right from the get go, we hit it off.  The first time we were all out for drinks, we played f/m/kill.  It's his favorite game, as is mine.  For both of us, I think the game is all about the story you can come up with and the reasons why. 

In the short time I've known Karl, I've really learned a lot from him.  He can be a moody fuck, but over all he's one of the most positive ppl I've ever known.  He hates living in Il, but he and his wife are keeping the eye on the prize (leaving), and have the most wonderful of ideas  where to go.  They are all about nature.  They backpacked all over Europe for a few months, when they were younger.  I love that they know what they want their life to be, and that's what they keep working towared.  His wife is going to be done with her Master's next year, and they keep their dreams real, all with a 1 1/2 year little girl.  I love that.  I love that they aren't letting themselves get lost in this thing called, adulthood and the expectations of it.  It's so refreshing to find ppl that are really living their lives for themselves.  I just know that we'll all still be friends long after we've all moved our separate ways.  It's so cool when you find ppl like that.

But anyway, I think I'm going to steal one of Karl's little things that he does to keep himself happy, to keep himself dreaming.  He buys an IL lotto tix, or one of those things that the payouts supposedly always around 4 mil. around 3 times a week, as that's how many drawings they have.  So, he says for that $1, he gets to dream of travelling and doing something that he really enjoys for those 2 days.  Then it starts all over.  He'd love to go back to school and get some degree that has to do with the study of birds (wtf?).  That would make him happy.  So, I like the idea of just spending $3 a week to let myself day dream a little.  Dreaming never hurt anyone, right?  I never dream of being rich, but I do dream of feeling financially secure.  More importantly, financially secure without having to work at a job that leaves me feeling empty.

One last thing about my new friend.  He lent me the Harry Potter books.  I've never had any sort of interest in that series.  I've never seen the movies, I've thought a series about a wizard or whatever the hell that kid is seems silly and for children.  Yes, I've still thought this even as many of my friends have highly recommended the series.  But Karl has a such a passionate way of talking about the things that he loves, that he's talked me into reading them.  I'm entirely way too serious for the most part, so I'm trying to take a couple of pages from Karl's book so to speak.  But if these books suck, I'll think less of Karl.  j/k

So enough about this Karl character.  Oh, in case you're wondering, Brian is very fine with the friendship Karl and have, as is Karl's wife.  It's a genuine friendship, and of course the ppl that love us most in this world are just glad that we have another friend (esp in IL).  Today, the sun is out, and the wind is calm.  It's been a while since it's been like that around here.  It went from super hot to very cold overnight.  So, we'll be spending the day in Rockford with the boys.  Ryne needs some more short and t-shirts for basketball practices, along with clothes in general.  The kid is growing like a weed.  Cal needs a few things, including a Halloween costume, and Brian needs new work boots.  I think today will be a blast.  We'll also pick up some much needed groceries.  I like it when the kids are part of that process.  Brian has been working a lot of hours, so it will be wonderful that we have him all to ourselves today, with no threat of getting called into work.  I'm sure later, B and I will even be able to get out and get a walk in.  Love it.  I'm excited for today.  I'm excited for life.  I'm excited for the love that I feel in this house. 

Hope you all have a fantastic weekend!

Jen