I saw a pretty fitting sign on the Shell billboard today, “It’s not a bad life.  It’s just a bad day.”  That makes all of the sense in the world.  In fact, that’s what
makes it so hard when I get the anxiety or depression so bad. I know it will get better, but while I’m in it, the fog is so thick, you can’t see a way out of it.  I’m
happy to say that today is much better. I still have a little anxiety that I’m feeling in my chest, but it’s manageable.  I’ll take this any day, over the alternative.
I’m still eating like sh!t, but I can see a healthier way.  Even that, is a big step. 
I’m going to join the Anytime Fitness here, in the town I work.  I plan to work out 3 nights a week at that club (and do weights), and workout on the weekend at our other club.  I hate paying for 2 clubs, but the one we use, is in the opposite direction of my work.  I need to keep that one, since that’s where we take the boys swimming and such.
OMG….Huey Lewis just came on Pandora. Funny fact about Huey: he’s supposed to be hung like a horse. I’ve heard it a couple of times, when listening to groupies talk about the size of different guys they’ve been with.  When I think Huey Lewis, somehow I just would’ve never thought that to be true.  Also, because I’m sure you’re dying to know….Peter Frampton is supposed to be the smallest.  And Prince is supposedly a snooze fest in bed. Now that is hard to imagine…I’d expect more from someone who wrote the lyric, “22 positions in a one night stand.”  I don’t even think I’ve even heard of that many positions in my life.
Tomorrow is Friday.  I hope you guys have awesome plans.  I live in BFE, so I don’t have any :)  But  it’ll be nice to spend time w/ Brian and the boys without my head in the fog.

~Jen

I still can’t get the site to let me update it here,
from work.  It probably won’t do
many any good to take my work laptop home and do it from there, since it’s what  I use here at work, too.  So, I’ll  have to bug Amy again and ask her if she can paste this for me.

 There’s no way to sugar coat yesterday. It was the roughest day I’ve had in quite a while. The anxiety took over my body. I could feel it everywhere. 
There was nothing I could do to stop it.  I tried eating, and eating, and
eating.  Do you remember that  Meredith Baxter Birney movie from back in the day, where she’s a bulimic?  All the food she would shove down her throat without tasting it.  That’s almost how I felt.  Like doing that was going to stop everything. (For the record, I did not throw it up.  It’s clear by my weight, that’s
something I don’t dabble in).  I tried my best to keep it all together at work, but at one point, I just had to go out to my car, so nobody would see me cry. There was no reason for it. Just my hormones, coupled with depression and anxiety I guess.  And to make things worse (or maybe better, I don’t know), after work I had an appointment with the therapist.  Let me tell you….when you’re already
that vulnerable, it’s a very hard place to be. I really didn’t want to get into
anything, but she knew a particular button to push and kept on it. I was a freaking mess….  The hardest part, was when she said, how about doing it for “you.” Not what anyone else thinks, do things for you. Concentrate on you.  Those are hard words to hear.  Cry, cry, cry.  Anyway, she made some really
good points, and has given me some things to really think about.  Although I did tell her, that our topics may not have been any real route of anything, as I did start crying over someone asking how I was, earlier.  Haha….always have to
have the upper hand about things I guess.

So, I woke up today feeling better than yesterday.  I still have the anxiety in my chest, but it’s not as bad today.  It’s manageable.  I will do a great job  of faking it today.  I’ll tell you what….this mofo period better come.    If it starts screwing this bad with me every month (emotionally), I’m going to have to go in and get a  freaking hysterectomy. I can’t survive (at least well) like this.

My  eating has been better than yesterday.  I’m following Brian’s advice, every time he sees a fat person on t.v.  “mix in a salad every once in a while, why don’t you.”  I’ve had a smoothie today and some steamed veggies.  But also some soda, candy and a small bag of “reduced fat” cheez-its.  And get this, it’s only 12:22.  It could be worse.  It could be yesterday again. :)

 I hope this entry finds you guys doing well.  Please tell me you’re doing good.  It’ll give me something to look forward to.  And just know, there have
been several of you that have been on my mind today. Memories from James Taylor concert to sitting in the local bar w/ Cookie).  Miss you guys.  For real. 
Really miss you all.

Jen

Well, I can’t get into the site to add my entry, so I asked Amy to paste this entry in for me. My work system will let me look at the  site, but then when I sign in to edit it, it goes nowhere.  Now, it could be system restrictions from work here, or it could be the  p.o.s. system I use to post the blog.

 Anyway, maybe it’s for the best that my computer bought
the farm and I can’t post my stupid rants. I’m so badly p.m.s.’ing. 
My head is in a very bad place.   I just came from Walmart, where it took all I had to not start crying  while walking through the aisles.   There’s no reason to cry.   My hormones are way f’d up.   I’m in a terrible mood.   I’ve been like this for a couple of days now.   What a loser.  Why can’t I  get this under control?  I’m not a good wife, parent, or friend, when I’m like this.   I just keep thinking, if I weren’t at work, at least I could bury my head  under the blankets and cry it out or sleep it out.   What I do know, is that what’s absolutely terrible for you when you’re  p.m.s.’ing?  Sugar….  What am I overloading on?   Sugar, along with everything else.   I’m so stupid.   I know  better.  As you can tell, I’m not  in a great place.  I won’t weigh  myself tomorrow, since that’s sure to send me over the edge.  Hopefully tomorrow I’ll wake up feeling better….

 I do hope that you guys are doing well. 
Trust me, it means so much to me that you continue to stick with me, even
when I fail in epic proportions. 
If I weren’t hating myself so much right now, I’d so feel the love :)

Always, 
Jen

I apologize for not writing yesterday.  I went out for a few beers after work (with actual people), and I spaced it out until I went to bed.  About 11, I opened my eyes back up, and thought...well, crap...not only did I shit the bed w/ food and beer, I didn't even own up to it.  Well, here I am, owning up to it.  I must admit that I had a ball after work, though.  It's been so long since I've been out with "coworkers."  It was a super fun group.  Believe it or not, they are also well versed in f/marry/kill.  In fact, as they put it, how do you think 3rd shift spends their time?  Awesome.  I'm starting to like my job more and more.  I'm still having an issue with damn drive, though.  It sucks losing so much of my day in the car, and it equally sucks that the 110 mile round trip is at 4.09 a gallon.  Oh well, I guess it's the price of living in BFE.

The boys and I had a great Saturday.  We drove (I know...what was I thinking about promising the boys this day? dumb) to Davenport, IA.   Brian couldn't come b/c he's on call this weekend, so that was a bummer.  We, along w/ the boys babysitter went to Red Robin for lunch, and after that we hit the movies.  Ryne and I saw the Hunger Games at IMax.  I loved the books so much, that I even pre-bought the tix yesterday online.  That was a first.  Anyway, I enjoyed the movie, but it doesn't hold too much of a candle to the book.  It follows it pretty well, but the book is just so much more descriptive (that's an obvious statement right...)  Without reading the book first, there are some things I'm sure I wouldn't have realized the importance of.  I think many movie goers will miss out on some things.  But anyway, I'm still glad we saw it.  Cal and the sitter went to The Lorax in 3D.  They both really enjoyed it.  Their sitter is 16 yo and a super bright kid.  Any parent would be totally proud to have a kid like that.  We're really lucky to have her.

Today has also been filled with eating shit and that dreaded fucking heroin...soda.  I feel sick.  I'm such a dipshit.  I really need to turn this around.  Why do I eat, drink like this, when it makes me feel like this?  You'd think that even I would be smarter than that.

Well, the Final 4 is on in the background.  I really need to check out my bracket.  I've no idea where I stand.  I haven't checked it once.  That's a first.  Usually I've got that baby full of crossed out teams and highlighted teams.  Every time I thought of it at work, though, it just wasn't the right time.  I stay pretty dang busy.  And we really don't take a lunch, except for a quick eat at our desks.  I've really got to find a way to make time for the important things during the work hours, like texting with girlfriends, and playing Words with Friends, lol.

I hope you guys are having a great weekend.  I'm so sorry to once again fail you on the most basic of levels (my diet).

Much love,

Jen

P.S.  I just let Junior out to go potty (for the millionth time today), and I love all the birds and critters that are out.  The birds out here sing beautifully.  Now, their no "Mockingjays" but I love it none the less.

So, I think I've well established that one who likes to drink like I do, probably shouldn't have control over their own website : )  Come to think of it: I probably shouldn't have a phone, either (drunk dialing), or access to text, and God help me, Facebook.  Damn technology.  It couldn't possibly be that my Native ass just can't handle alcohol.  Oh well...  With each drink, usually goes that tiny little filter I like to use....  Well, I guess with me you'll always know you're getting exactly how I feel, whether it be about my shitting schedule or about how much I love my hubby when I've had a few.  One thing about me, as you've probably noticed, I'm a pretty loving drunk.  That must be from the non-Native side of me :)  Brian mostly likes it when I'm drunk, because as he puts it, I'm much nicer about him "helping" me on Words With Friends.  haha.  Oh, also I turn into a complete slut.  j/k....or am I?

So, today's lesson kids, is based on how to gain weight in a day.  If you're needing to put on some weight in an unhealthy way, just follow my day, and I'll have you plumped up in no time.  Oh, that's another thing with drinking...  I always crave crap food/drink the next day.

Happy Almost Friday Everyone!

Food:
6:30  Can of Diet Coke...
7:50  Breakfast once again catered at work...sob...wrong day for this....  Okay, I had some biscuits and gravy (scraping off the sausage, which is really not completely possible), crepe (banana, strawberries, blueberries, fresh whip cream), about 2 scrambled eggs.
11:30  16 oz of Pepsi....  I've been craving it so bad lately.  Well, it didn't taste great, and it took me a couple of hours to drink.  Stupid move.
12:45  Brian was out near my work, so he picked up Subway, and instead of my Veggie Delight, I had 6" tuna....  Again, dumb, dumb, dumb....
5:45  Brian made dinner: Spaghetti (w/ Barilla Plus wheat noodles, and fake hamburger, and Prego), 2 sm pcs of french bread w/ Smart Balance Lite
6:30  3 cookies....

So, essentially not much fiber in my diet, a million times too many carbs, and not nearly enough fruits and veggies.

Okay, right off the bat, I'll admit to you...I've had some wine...and by some, I mean maybe 2/3 of the bottle.  I'm at the point now where I'm trying to figure out, do I just throw the cork away, or put it on.  Hmmm.....  The decisions of a 40 yo.  So, I'm riding high on a totally awesome buzz.  I've spent the past couple of hours talking to one of my fave ppl in this world.  Good times.  She truly is the bomb, as well as the creator of the "notes."  
Man alive, I do love wine....  I rarely drink it, though.  I try not to drink at home, and I'm too cheap to drink it when we go out.  I didn't sleep for shit last night, and I knew I was going to be talking to my girlfriend for quite some time, so I figured it was a good time to open this bottle that a friend brought me just before Christmas.  Good stuff.  Not as good as Jody wine, but it'll work ; )

So, the weigh in was today.  As I told you before, my body still isn't on its regular "schedule," and I weigh myself first thing in the morning.  Today was no exception...which pissed me off, because I really want to be on my morning "schedule" (and you know by schedule I'm talking taking a bowel movement, right?) before weighing in.  No such luck.  Anyway, I was down 3.6 to 202 lbs.  I was really hoping for more, since I figured I'd gained a lot of water weight in Vegas....  So, in my mind, I'm just going to convince myself that my "schedule" would've been 3 lbs., and put me back in the Onederland.

Well, my mind is going everywhere today.  Do I talk about how lucky I am to be married to Brian?  I mean it....  If I live 1000 lifetimes, I don't think anyone would love me more than that man does.  He says the most loving things to me, each and every day.  Even when I don't deserve it (which is probably most days).  A funny thing has happened over this past year, though.  I finally, honestly and truly believe him.  My walls are thick (get your mind out of the gutter, not my sugar walls), and it took me all these years to completely surrender to them.  I guess, what it comes down to, is once I really learned to love myself.  I learned to accept his love full fledged.  It's hard to accept love, or understand how someone can love you, when you don't even love your own self.  Anyway, feeling the love tonight.  And in a little bit, so will he.  HAHA!

Okay, my drunk ass has gone on long enough.  I need to sober myself up w/ a few good games of Words with Friends.  It's the best medicine for me.  It totally relaxes me, and its become my bedtime routine.

Until tomorrow, my friends.  Thanks for caring about me and sticking with my fat ass.

Love you guys,

Jen

Food:
Okay, this was messed up from the beginning.  I was so damn tired this morning.  Very little sleep, and it was interrupted twice by taking Junior out.

6:35  Can of Diet Coke  (I know, I know)
7:15  Banana
8:05  Orange
9:30  2 packets of oatmeal (plain and apples)
12:00  Spring mix salad w/ lite honey mustard, and a little bit of pumpkin soup  (see recipe)
3:20  banana
5:30  Super hungry....  Very small slice of leftover cheese pizza, plus a bowl of Pasta Roni (made w/ olive oil instead of margarine...still processed...still white...still shit)
6:00  Here are the kickers....4 cookies and then the wine...which I've now corked :)

Holy smokes...was I in a bad mood yesterday....  As if my brief blog entry didn't adequately enough express my feelings.  I was super exhausted from work.  Not a good night.  I typed the blog in the dark, because I was so tired.  I know better than to do that.  I'd erased it on accident once before, while typing in the dark.  Totally my bad.

I have no idea what to expect from tomorrow's weigh in....  I haven't been working out, but I've been working my ass off at work.  I've been so damn hungry...  Hopefully that means my metabolism is working harder, but I've also been eating more...  Today, I made some poor choices.  Just as I always tend to sabotage myself the day before a weigh in.  What a dumb shit.

6:15  Smoothie  (water, flax seed, spinach, banana, blueberries)
7:45  (Breakfast was catered at work.....)  Crepe (w/ mixed fruit and fresh whip cream), biscuit, scrambled egg, and a small cup of o.j.
11:45  Spring mix salad w/ lite honey mustard dressing, biscuit, orange, and soda water
3:00  Another biscuit....
3:15  Small apple
5:30  Taco pizza (minus the beef and chips)
7:00  3 fucking cookies (chocolate wpb morsels)  I used Hershey's cocoa, and Crisco, but of course they are still terrible.

Cal and I went to church this morning.  I love it when he goes with me.  He's totally getting into it.  He cracks me up when he sings along to the hymns.  It doesn't take much, but that kid is definitely a better singer than me :)

I spent most of the day doing some "spring cleaning."  It's been so nice this week, that is was great to open up the windows and get some air coming in.  I cleaned the hell out of those boys rooms.  I've got the cobwebs out, the windows and window sills cleaned, under the beds, bedding changed, everything dusted, etc.  I love it when their rooms are clean like that.  Too bad it won't last through tomorrow :)  At least I know I've got the dust out of there.  The only bad thing is, there isn't a screen on Cal's window in his room.  When we came in tonight, there were like a million little black bugs on his walls, his light, the t.v., etc.  Thank goodness those little bastards were slow.  Brian and I went on a 1/2 hour bug killing expedition.  It had to be done.  Trust me, I'm one of those people that doesn't kill spiders or other bugs.  I put them outside.  Anyway, I was worried Cal would be totally traumatized by it and not be able to sleep in his room.  But he took our word that we got them all.  Damn, I hope he doesn't wake up with bites all over him.  We'll never hear the end of it.  Plus, he'll be in our room for a week.  In addition to their rooms, I got quite a bit of other cleaning and laundry done.  Not as much as I wanted (stupid Words game...I'm fully addicted...anyone want to play?  lol).  I "reward" myself after getting certain things done, with getting to play for a while.  I guess it's better than rewarding myself with food.

Speaking of food....I've been way hungry all week.  It must be because I've been on the go all day, every day.  I'm not used to that.  Hopefully it means that my metabolism is working harder....  Today I was crazy, hungry most of the day.  I did okay.  Not my best day, but I think a fairly decent day overall.  Hopefully all of the cleaning burned some calories, because I didn't get any other exercise in today.

I hope you all had an awesome weekend!

Jen

Food:
10:00  Smoothie  (water, flax seed, spinach, banana, blueberries)
12:30  2 slices of wheat toast w/ Smart Balance Lite spread and 2 hard boiled egg whites.
2:00  3/4 cup of Corn Chex w/ Rice milk (no added sugar)
5:30  Black bean patty w/ 1/2 avocado, spring mix salad w/ honey mustard lite dressing and steamed assorted veggies.
6:00  Square of dark chocolate
7:45  About 150 class of "light" popcorn

I need to apologize for not getting in my entry yesterday.  It seemed I was running all day.  I'll give you the quick synopsis....  Smoothie for breakfast, brought my lunch, but then there was some fancy lunch at work.  I had a full plate (albeit a smaller plastic one) w/ salmon, salad w/ Italian dressing, corn, small white roll, and amazing baby red potatoes.  Someone brought me over a piece of cake.  I planned on eating 3 bites, just to enjoy a little.  Of course I lost all control and had the whole piece (at least it was fairly small).  Oh, and I had a Sierra Mist to drink (believe it or not, a lot less sugar and calories than "fruit" juice).  So, if that lunch were going to be my only downfall of the day, I could have lived with it.  But, it wasn't....  We went to Buffalo Wild Wings after I got off work to see some basketball.  I had a black bean burger w/ cheese...carrots and celery w/ lite ranch dressing, and then some of Brian's pita bread (which ended up being fried) w/ spinach/artichoke dip.  I also enjoyed 2 "big" Seasonal Sam Adams beers, which knocked me on my ass....  From there we went to the local bar where I had 2 1/2 bottles of Coors Light.  Man, I was smoked.  There's a really funny story about later that night, but I try to only rate this website R for language and not sexual content.  lol  The one saving grace of the day was that I worked my ass off all day out in the warehouse.  I know I burned some good calories.  Not enough, but a good amount.

I had a little headache early this morning, but then I was able to get back to sleep.  Thank God.  This week knocked me on my ass.  Once I got up (well, not really up, but a little active), I had an awesome phone conversation with one of my closest friends.  She's one of those people that always makes me feel awesome about myself, and I always laugh my ass off when talking to her.  It was a great start to my day.  I did a little chores around the house and we got kind of a late start to the day, but it was a wonderful family day.  The weather here has absolutely been stunning all week.  Today was no exception.  I think it was in the 80's.  We took the boys for a walk down by the canal.  They did so good.  Usually there's a ton of bitching when we try to take them on walks.  We had a great family talk about where we want to live, etc. today.  It was great.  After the walk, we took the boys swimming at the club.  From there, we had dinner at Subway and then took the boys to Frozerts for dessert.  I was really tempted, but I didn't get anything.  Brian and me then got some grocery shopping done at Walmart.  How's that for a Sat. night?  Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  But then again, who needs green beer?  When I had the wonderful day that I had.  Which is continuing now....as we just started watching Biggest Loser.

I hope you all are enjoying the heck out of your weekend!

Jen

Food:
10:00  Smoothie  (water, flax seed, 2 bananas, an orange, and some ice)
12:00  Morning Star Farms breakfast biscuit
2:30  Leftover SW bean soup (see recipe), and leftover kale w/ pine nuts (see recipe)
6:30  Foot Long Veggie Delight at Subway, all veggies except onions and jalapenos, and added lite honey mustard dressing
8:10  Small square of dark chocolate.

Exercise:
Little over a mile walk w/ Brian and the boys
45 mins in pool playing w/ kids and swimming laps.  I ended it with a nice soak in the spa.  Just what the Dr. ordered.