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Diariesofafatass.com

3/28/12

3/28/2012

2 Comments

 
I still can’t get the site to let me update it here,
from work.  It probably won’t do
many any good to take my work laptop home and do it from there, since it’s what  I use here at work, too.  So, I’ll  have to bug Amy again and ask her if she can paste this for me.

 There’s no way to sugar coat yesterday. It was the roughest day I’ve had in quite a while. The anxiety took over my body. I could feel it everywhere. 
There was nothing I could do to stop it.  I tried eating, and eating, and
eating.  Do you remember that  Meredith Baxter Birney movie from back in the day, where she’s a bulimic?  All the food she would shove down her throat without tasting it.  That’s almost how I felt.  Like doing that was going to stop everything. (For the record, I did not throw it up.  It’s clear by my weight, that’s
something I don’t dabble in).  I tried my best to keep it all together at work, but at one point, I just had to go out to my car, so nobody would see me cry. There was no reason for it. Just my hormones, coupled with depression and anxiety I guess.  And to make things worse (or maybe better, I don’t know), after work I had an appointment with the therapist.  Let me tell you….when you’re already
that vulnerable, it’s a very hard place to be. I really didn’t want to get into
anything, but she knew a particular button to push and kept on it. I was a freaking mess….  The hardest part, was when she said, how about doing it for “you.” Not what anyone else thinks, do things for you. Concentrate on you.  Those are hard words to hear.  Cry, cry, cry.  Anyway, she made some really
good points, and has given me some things to really think about.  Although I did tell her, that our topics may not have been any real route of anything, as I did start crying over someone asking how I was, earlier.  Haha….always have to
have the upper hand about things I guess.

So, I woke up today feeling better than yesterday.  I still have the anxiety in my chest, but it’s not as bad today.  It’s manageable.  I will do a great job  of faking it today.  I’ll tell you what….this mofo period better come.    If it starts screwing this bad with me every month (emotionally), I’m going to have to go in and get a  freaking hysterectomy. I can’t survive (at least well) like this.

My  eating has been better than yesterday.  I’m following Brian’s advice, every time he sees a fat person on t.v.  “mix in a salad every once in a while, why don’t you.”  I’ve had a smoothie today and some steamed veggies.  But also some soda, candy and a small bag of “reduced fat” cheez-its.  And get this, it’s only 12:22.  It could be worse.  It could be yesterday again. :)

 I hope this entry finds you guys doing well.  Please tell me you’re doing good.  It’ll give me something to look forward to.  And just know, there have
been several of you that have been on my mind today. Memories from James Taylor concert to sitting in the local bar w/ Cookie).  Miss you guys.  For real. 
Really miss you all.

Jen

2 Comments
Becky
3/29/2012 03:44:44 am

You're not alone with the loss of control.

Tuesday was "anger day" for me. Just feeling angry and pissy all day long. Had a day-long sinus headache. Went home and ordered Dominos. Their Cheezy Bread has amazing therapudic qualities. Not so good for the body, but wonderful for the mind & soul. Then Lissy had "anger day" yesterday. She made a "run for the border" cause she was obsessed with trying the new Doritos taco.

But today is a new day and our "anger days" have passed.

It happens!

Reply
Jen
3/29/2012 06:47:29 am

"Anger days." That's a good way to put it. I'm glad your day is better today. You and I deal with many of the same things. I miss seeing you everyday, so we can help each other through it. Shit. Now I want Domino's....Good thing i don't know of one within 100 miles. Take care (and of Lizzy, too) my friend.

Jen

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    Jen

    Age 47
    Married 24 years
    2 boys, 18 & 15
    email: diariesofafatass@gmail.com


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