from work. It probably won’t do
many any good to take my work laptop home and do it from there, since it’s what I use here at work, too. So, I’ll have to bug Amy again and ask her if she can paste this for me.
There’s no way to sugar coat yesterday. It was the roughest day I’ve had in quite a while. The anxiety took over my body. I could feel it everywhere.
There was nothing I could do to stop it. I tried eating, and eating, and
eating. Do you remember that Meredith Baxter Birney movie from back in the day, where she’s a bulimic? All the food she would shove down her throat without tasting it. That’s almost how I felt. Like doing that was going to stop everything. (For the record, I did not throw it up. It’s clear by my weight, that’s
something I don’t dabble in). I tried my best to keep it all together at work, but at one point, I just had to go out to my car, so nobody would see me cry. There was no reason for it. Just my hormones, coupled with depression and anxiety I guess. And to make things worse (or maybe better, I don’t know), after work I had an appointment with the therapist. Let me tell you….when you’re already
that vulnerable, it’s a very hard place to be. I really didn’t want to get into
anything, but she knew a particular button to push and kept on it. I was a freaking mess…. The hardest part, was when she said, how about doing it for “you.” Not what anyone else thinks, do things for you. Concentrate on you. Those are hard words to hear. Cry, cry, cry. Anyway, she made some really
good points, and has given me some things to really think about. Although I did tell her, that our topics may not have been any real route of anything, as I did start crying over someone asking how I was, earlier. Haha….always have to
have the upper hand about things I guess.
So, I woke up today feeling better than yesterday. I still have the anxiety in my chest, but it’s not as bad today. It’s manageable. I will do a great job of faking it today. I’ll tell you what….this mofo period better come. If it starts screwing this bad with me every month (emotionally), I’m going to have to go in and get a freaking hysterectomy. I can’t survive (at least well) like this.
My eating has been better than yesterday. I’m following Brian’s advice, every time he sees a fat person on t.v. “mix in a salad every once in a while, why don’t you.” I’ve had a smoothie today and some steamed veggies. But also some soda, candy and a small bag of “reduced fat” cheez-its. And get this, it’s only 12:22. It could be worse. It could be yesterday again. :)
I hope this entry finds you guys doing well. Please tell me you’re doing good. It’ll give me something to look forward to. And just know, there have
been several of you that have been on my mind today. Memories from James Taylor concert to sitting in the local bar w/ Cookie). Miss you guys. For real.
Really miss you all.