There were two huge storms that came through here yesterday and last night.  The storm was calling for golf ball size hail, but thankfully we didn't see any of that.  There was just a ton of rain (which was much needed), and a whole hell of a lot of thunder and lightning.  In the light of day, we could see that it took down a small tree in our neighbor's yard.  The kids were fully freaked out by it all.  So, was the poor little black kitten who has now taken shelter in our garage.  He's such a loving little guy.  I tried to get him into the vet today to get a flea bath and get checked out, etc.  Also, I have no idea how to take care of a cat.  He's been eating the heck out of the canned food we've been giving him.  Hopefully feeding him twice a day is enough.  I guess I should do a little research...  Anyway, the vet was closing really early for the 4th of July celebration in town, so they couldn't check him out today.  They did say that they know of some ppl looking for barn kittens, though.  I don't feel good about that, though.  I need to know this little guy is going to be part of someone's family.  He's wormed his way into all of our hearts, by being so damn cute and loving.  He has the coolest eyes I've ever seen.

The town parade route ends just above our house.  So, we have a perfect view right from our front yard.  Brian BBQ'd, and the kids and I kicked back and watched it all go by.  It's no WRG parade, but it's pretty cool.  You see lots and lots of types of tractors, etc.  After the parade, Brian headed out w/ some of his co-workers to IA to watch their boss in a semi-pro football game.  So, I took the boys into town for some funnel cake and lemonaid.  I didn't order one, but of course found myself picking off the boys plates.  It's a neat set up down there, and I was hoping the boys would see some friends, but oddly there were't a lot of kids downtown.  The beer garden was hopping, though :)  They boys were really good, esp. considering that we walked (about a mile) to town in the heat.  The day got hotter later in the afternoon, when we were on our way back.  I was dripping with sweat.  But they handled it all in stride.

Tonight has been full of some much needed down time.  I'm choosing that instead of packing....which I haven't even started and we move in two weeks.  Oh well, I'm not going to worry about that right now.  My mind tonight has been preoccupied with the loss of Colin Buness, and the gigantic sense of shock and sadness ripping through my hometown.  WRG is such a wonderful communtity, and it's very tight knit.  Colin is so clearly loved, and it's hard to see and hear from so many who are shattered by the loss of this energetic, 25 y/o.  Also, Amy travelled to a funeral of a very dear friend of hers, too today.  She also lost her friend in an outdoor accident.  My heart aches for all that she is going through, and I wish there were something I could do to make it better for her.  But those of us, who have lost ppl we love, know that's there's nothing anyone can do.  It's a pain that we all have to find a way through in our own way.  I'm so very glad that she was able to get to the service, though.  It's a blessing that she will be with close friends today.  Anyway, I don't really know what else to say....which might be a first, I know. 

So, I'll leave you tonight with well wishes for a wonderful and safe holiday weekend.  Here's hoping that we all can take the time and energy to embrace what we have in our lives and to appreciate those little things that we often forget to take notice of. 

Jen

P.S.  It's a known fact that calories do not count over the holiday

Im still having fairly significant sleeping issues.  I hadn't been feeling great this week, and last night I was so beat that  I went to bed at 9:30.  I actually probably was asleep just after 10, which was nice.  However, I woke up at 1:30 and couldn't go back to sleep.  I tried and tried...finally I got up about 3:15 and started some laundry and then decided to go on a walk.  I knew the heat was going to be stiffling, and it would be my only chance to get out there today.  Not too long after I started my walk, I hear a kitten meowing and  he comes up to me wanting to play.  I'm not really a cat person, but the kitten kicks ass.  He's pure black and super affectionate without being annoying, if that makes any sense.  Poor thing is skin and bones.  So, I let him follow me back home and he just kept purring, and while we sat outside he jumped up on my lap.  Of course, I loved it, but was totally worried about fleas and stuff like that.  I kept him outside, and went in and made him oatmeal (instant maple and brown sugar) as I had nothing else.  I also got him a bowl of water.  He got into my house as I tried to slip back in and ran down to the basement.  He was good and let me take him back out, though.  The little guy finally got distracted, so I was able to take off for me walk.  I got a nice hour and a half in or so.  Of course, when I returned the poor cat was still there.  He just sat out on our Captain's chair meowing at me and Brian through the window.  He's so damn cute.

It was hot, hot, hot today: 105 w/ heat index of 115.  It's 7:15 now, and it's still 99 (problems and a bitch ain't one).  And work continues to be absolutely crazy.  I haven't had time to get through inventory this week, so I really had to be out of my air conditioned office and in the shop today.  I don't think I've ever been that sticky, with my clothes on :)  Work has really been kicking my ass this week, but I feel good about it.  It's a great feeling to know that I'm an actual contributor in a lot of ways.

For the most part, my diet has been pretty good this week.  I know it's not perfect, but I feel great all the way around.  I've been getting a lot of green juice and smoothies in.  Yesterday, I had all juice, smoothie, small homemade bowl of bean soup and an wheat English muffin.  That's the best I've eaten in a long time.  I've really cut down on my soda consumption, as well.  Today I've had 2...but I have been up since 1:30.  For being up so long, I actually feel pretty good right now.  I hope that's not a bad sign for tonight.  I'm really hoping I can crash in a big way and stay crashed.

I've got some Chocolate Mousse (see recipe) chilling in the fridge.  I hadn't made in quite some time.  I licked the spoon and it's tasted mighty yummy.  Hopefully it'll be chilled any moment.  I'm desperately craving some choc :)  At least I don't have to feel bad about this one, though.

BTW....the cat is still here.  He now thinks our garage is his home.  We bought him some canned cat food (he's so little, I don't know that he could eat hard) and he mowed down that can of food.  Poor kitty!  I really wish we could keep him, but the I know the new house doesn't allow for cats.  Hopefully I can find him a home somehow....

Anyway, I'm feeling good, and hope you all are too.

Much Love,

Jen

Honestly, this morning did not have a great start to it.  Brian and I had a little arguement, and I had plenty of time to stew in my 55 min commute.  I immediately thought of eating poorly and having soda, but thought, how in the hell is that going to make this better in the long term?  It's just going to make everything worse.  Sounds simple enough, but I nearly never think in terms like that.  For me, it was another step in the right direction.

Okay, so this damn laptop just erased a whole section about my work situation.  It must be a sign that it was in fact as boring as I thought it was.  Essentially, work has become a million times busier.  I welcome the change, but it's stressful at the same time.  No more playing the "I'm new" card.  They're my decisions to make now.  :)

Today was a nice treat in that I was able to talk to Mom and Nealy today.  Mom was able to let me know of all the comings and goings of my niece Jaynee running for 4th of July Queen.  Oh how I wish I were going home for the 4th.  Also, a close family friend is getting married on Friday.  She's getting married up on Farm Island.  I have such fond memories of that place from being a kid.  When I was home last, it was so cool to go up there, Penny (bride) and her family have all built cabins up there.  I can't think of a cooler place for someone to get married.  A river trip and a wedding.  Sweet.  My Mom also has always had the very coolest friends.  I love all of them.  I love being around them when I'm home.  Anyway, Penny's Mom owns the Bluebird (floathouse), and my Mom and 3 others are staying on the Bluebird for the weekend.  I also have great memories of that floathouse.  I honestly think it might be Mom's favorite thing on earth to do, hanging out on that thing.  So, it's fun to hear about all of the excitement, but I'm also waiting for the 4th of July blues to hit me hard upside the head soon.  Several of my friends are heading up.  Seeing all of the pics on FB makes me so happy for them, but it also leaves me feeling incredibly sad.  Seriously, if I'm not home, the 4th is the hardest holiday of the year for me.  I'm sure Tammi and I will be consoling each other on the phone again this year.  At least I have that to look forward to.  lmao

I took about an hour and a half walk tonight.  It was just what I needed I reflected on the phone calls and the good and bad decisions I'd made during the course of the day in regards to my diet.  I'm getting there, but I'm not all in, yet.  I did much worse today than yesterday.  Today I was craving sugar in the worst way (I can still blame my period, as I'm still on the fucking thing.  Ooh, let me call it a Cunt.  I haven't used that word in a long time.  I miss it.  :)  Anyway,  I won't let the Cunt win tomorrow.

Given the way my day started with Brian is surprising that I picked "Ice Cream" as the song to put the lyrics on for.  Even though Brian can make me insane sometimes, this song came on while I was walking and I thought about how lucky I am to be married to him.  I'm lucky that he has this unwaivering love for me.  And I love that I can still hear a love song and think of him 20 years after we got together.  Well, gotta wrap up.  Cal just got home from Vacation Bible Camp.  He's sure to ask all sorts of questions I don't have the answers to.  :)

Food:
6:30  Smoothie (water, flax seed, spinach, banana, frozen blueberries)
8:00  Packet of plain oatmeal w/ water
11:45  Egg white sandwich from Subway and 2 cookies..., plus 20 oz Diet Coke
3:30  Piece of cake at work....
6:00  Glass of Green juice
8:15  Small bowl of fruit loops w/ rice milk....

6:30  Hour and a half or so walk

There often comes a point in the work day, where you look at everything on your desk, and you know that no matter what….you’re not getting through everything that day.  That point came about 10 this morning for me.  You know those kinds of days, when all of the bosses are in all day meetings and you find yourself running around like a chicken with your head cut off.  The good thing is, the day is going by quickly.  And I’ve just decided to use a little self-care (ha-ha.  Gotta love therapy lingo) and take some time for myself to do this.

I tried really hard to stick to my 10:00 bedtime last night.  Of course I pushed myself, thinking I could get a couple of things done before going to bed, and made myself late.  But, as you know, I’m rarely on time to anything.  I started
brushing my teeth at 9:58, so now I know I need to start doing the bedtime
ritual 15 mins earlier, as I didn’t get to bed until 10:15.  In the grand scheme of things, it really didn’t matter.  My mind still wanted to do other things.  I think I got to sleep sometime after 11.  So, it makes perfect sense that I would wake up at 3:15, right? Ugh.  For the life of me, I could not get back to sleep.  So, I
got up at 4:30 and went on a brisk 45 min. walk. It felt really good.  It was one of those mornings that I actually enjoyed listening to the birds’ sing, instead of cussing the “stupid birds” in my head.  It was actually cool outside.  It’s been super-hot and humid, so it was great to get an early morning reprieve.  My iPod started with “Nookie” by Limp Bizkit and then went into Afternoon Delight (the ringtone for my hubby), and then right into songs about drinking.  If only “Eat It” by Weird Al would’ve come on all of my borderline obsessions could’ve been addressed.  I can’t get to the gym tonight, so I’m hoping to sneak another walk in at some point later on.  The goal is to keep myself so busy, that I actually sleep.  
 
I’ve done fairly well on my eating so far today.  I did bring bean soup, but of course fell for the temptation of a coworkers offer to buy Subway.  I did stick to the veggie sandwich, at least, but that’s way more bread than I needed today.

I thought in light of yesterday’s heavy blog entry I’d use “I’m Not Dead, Yet” by Pink as the song of the day. I simply adore her.  I don’t know that she’s ever had a song I didn’t love.  She’s on a very short list of concerts that I really want to see one day.

Food:
6:30 
Green juice (I used the vita mix for most of it, so I wouldn’t have all the waste that the juicer gives.  It’s a bit thicker but still good.
8:00 
Plain packet of oatmeal w/ water, 20 oz of Diet Dr. Pepper….I’m an idiot.
10:00 
Bowl of watermelon
12:15 
Foot long Veggie Delight (wheat bread, honey mustard, spinach, lettuce
olives, tomatoes, banana peppers, pickles)
1:15 
A stupid 20 oz of Diet Coke. 
MOFO!
3:45  Green juice
5:15  Oatmeal cookie
6:00  Watermellon


 Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
There's always cracks
Crack of
sunlight
Crack in the mirror on your lips
It's the moment of a sunset
Friday
When our conversations twist
It's the fifth day of ice on a new
tattoo
But the ice should be on our heads
We only spun the web to catch
ourselves
So we weren't left for dead

And I was never looking for
approval from anyone but you
And though this journey is over I'll go back if
you ask me to

I'm not dead just floating
Right between the ink of your
tattoo
In the belly of the beast we turned into
I'm not scared just
changing
Right beyond the cigarette and the devilish smile
You're my crack
of sunlight

You can do the math a thousand ways but you can't erase the
facts
That others come and others go but you always come back
I'm a winter
flower underground always thirsty for summer rain
And just like the change of
seasons
I know you'll be back again

I'm not dead just floating

Underneath the ink of my tattoo
I've tried to hide my scars from you
I'm
not scared just changing
Right beyond the cigarette and the devilish
smile
You're my crack of sunlight oh

I'm not dead just yet
I'm not
dead I'm just floating
Doesn't matter where I'm going
I'll find you
I'm
not scared at all
Underneath the cuts and bruises
Finally gained what no
one loses
I'll find you
I will find you

I'm not dead just
floating
I'm not scared just changing
You're my crack of sunlight
yeah

Oh man, what a difference a good nights sleep makes.  I'm sure it's from all of the sudden blood loss, :) but I slept better than I have in quite a while last night.  I love this feeling....  I've been trying really hard to get my sleep issues under control lately.  I know how much it affects everything: mood, diet, clear headedness, drive, emotions, etc.  I let it really control me lately, but I'm working hard to right that ship.  I even made myself go to bed at a decent hour last night (on a Sat).  My goal for this week is to go to bed by 10 each night.  Yes, that means I'll have to somehow deal the house not always being clean or the fact that I have a million open Words With Friends games going, or whatever excuse I have to stay up.  I've always been a night person, and I've really come to realize that since going back to work, after 10 seems to be "my time."  Everyone is asleep, and I'm not having to be a mom/wife/friend.  Not that I don't love each of those things, but we all know that they all take our energies.  I need to find a way to go through the day with not worrying about pleasing people, wondering if I've done enough for them, and basically anything that allows me to put myself last, which is what I've truly mastered.  I've done it my whole life.  I know this about myself, and I really am working on it.  In fact, I'm doing it now, as I've got the door closed, music going and working on this.  Of course, in the short time I've been on here, Brian's been in here twice, asking what I'm doing, Ryne's come in 3 times.  The last time just to say, "where's my boy, where's my boy?" to Junior.  Even that gives me anxiety.  The last thing the old man needs is to get excited.  He comes in here to get away from everyone (I guess I can learn a lot from my dog) and rest his tired body on the cool tiles of the bathroom floor.

I've been taking steps to get my diet under control the past few days.  For the last 3 weeks or so, I really ate poorly.  If it had fat, sugar, salt, caffeine in it, I searched it out.  When I get really stressed, tired, bored... I feel like that's the only thing that's going to make me happy.  Of course, it doesn't.  In fact, it gets to a point that it doesn't even taste good.  It's so dumb that I do it, because I know better....I know how to eat well.  So, I've been sure to drink a glass of green juice each of the past few days, in addition to some smoothies.  I'm going to make several different bean based soups today.  (I've got to get away from having that same cauliflower soup all the time.  I get so bored with it).  What's funny, is that since starting this blog, lots of ppl have commented on what a great cook I am, etc.  When I hear that, I really have to LOL.  I'm so far from a good cook, it's not even funny.  In fact, for the very first time, I let some beans soak over night.  I've now got them simmering on the stove top.  I've never cooked with beans that didn't come out of a can.  Never.  Oh, here's a tip on the canned beans, always rinse them.  They have a butt load of sodium in them, and rinsing them give you back the health benefits of eating the beans to begin with.  So, I'm really hoping the beans turn out.  It won't surprise me if they don't :)

I've been carrying on lately about not wanting to wear that bikkini in a couple of months, and how that's supposed to be my motivation to lose 20 lbs.  The truth is, while I don't want to wear the bikkini, it's not a motivation to me at all.  My real motivation is my health.  It's a motivation that comes from fear.  In fact, I talked briefly about the bikkini in therapy last week, and then just touched on why I want to lose the weight.  My therapist looked at me, and just said well that seems like a real motivation, not a bikkini.  It was too painful for me to talk about, though, so I just hung my head in shame and cried.  It's easy for me to make fun of my body and distract with stupid goals, when in all reality: I need to be healthy.  It really scares me how much I don't care sometimes about my health, and I need to.  I haven't mentioned that I had to double up on my bp meds, and the fact that the cardiologist wants to run some more tests, and I haven't called them back.  They called a few times and have even sent a letter.  Of course, they've now given up on me, just as I'd seemed to give up on myself.  I haven't gone in for the tests because I know why my numbers suck.  It's the poor handling of stress, lack of sleep, poor diet.  Each of these things are within my control.  My overall health sucks because I haven't taken care of myself.  My plan has been to go in once I have it all under control to prove to myself and these strangers at the Dr.'s office that I really am fine.  And trust me, I've beaten myself to a pulp over this.  I think of so many healthy ppl that have developed cancer, even watching one that I love battle it for 10 years only to see her 12 hours before she died, and all that cancer brought her...  What cancer brought her family.  She didn't deserve it.  She treated her body pretty good.  Do I think I deserve cancer?  Yes.  Do I think I deserve a heart attack at 40?  Yes.  I've earned it.  So many ppl haven't earned it.  They've just gotten that terrible luck of the draw.  I've treated my body like absolute shit for far too long.  Caleb has nightmares sometimes.  I can hear him cry out and sleep through it at times, and others the only thing that can get him back to sleep is being with me.  My family loves me.  My family needs me, and in all honesty I feel like I'm dying.  No, I'm not being overly dramatic.  Maybe I'm am.  But I know that it's not normal for a 40 year old woman to have the horrible night sweats that I get, or this pulsating feeling through my body like I'm being shocked, or the fact that I don't sleep and can't seem to think clearly on a lot of days.  Do I want to look better?  Yes.  Do I want to feel comfortable with my body when being intimate with my own husband?  Yes.  Is this what's driving me in the decision to start taking care of myself?  No.  I can't bare to think of the devistation that I'd leave behind if I do leave this earth too soon.  I can't bare to think of the nightmares that I'd give to my eight year old son, or the what it would do to Ryne, who is the most sensitive person I've ever known.  And of course, what it would do to the man who loves me with all he has.  I can stop this.  I can get get better.  Do I think I deserve to be healthy and worthy of such love?  Yes.  I can finally say that while believing it.  I'm choosing to fight for myself.  I'm choosing to do my best at undoing the damage I've done to my body.  In this process, I've got to learn to give myself some breaks along the way.  If I am doing great and then have a slice of birthday cake or something like that, I need to not think of the fact that I'm killing myself.  I need to just enjoy that piece of cake and then get back to what should be the most important thing in my life: my health. 

Okay, I know this was way heavy today.  It was really hard for me to write, but one of the things that I love about myself (see how kind I just was to myself?)  is my openess and honesty.  BTW.  I was just given another, "whatcha doing..."  I should count how many times I get that while trying to have time to myself next time.  Maybe it will help everyone understand just how I became so crazy :)  I hope that today's blog (oh dear God...my husband is in here again, after I just said I just said plesase give me 5 mins to finish, and he's trying to lay here next to me...so now I've just upset him by telling him I need this time to finish and I got the eye roll....)  Anyway, I hope today's blog will help you realize the importance of your own health.  Maybe that's why you read this?  I know some of you relate to what I go through, and in going back to why I started this 11 months ago.  I want to not only help myself, but nothing would make me happier is if I could help someone else along the way.  We aren't in this alone.

Much Love,

Jen

A great friend sent this to me yesterday.  It’s very appropriate for those of us
going through absolute p.m.s from hell…or whatever you may be dealing with.  I thought about it a lot during the day.  And last night, when I was
ompletely exhausted and maybe thinking of a beer or something that might help me sleep, I thought of this…and decided to make green juice today.  I’ve been eating/drinking better today, too, although that fucking pop is still controlling me.  It’s a vicious circle that I’ve got to stop once and for all. 
Anyhow, I hope it gives you as much to ponder as it did me:

Had a lousy morning? Things looking grim?
Not to worry. The
rest of your day need not be a disaster. It can in fact become one of your best,
providing you take these simple steps:
1. Remember that the past does not
equal the future.
There is no such thing as a "run of bad luck." The
reason people believe such nonsense is that the human brain creates patterns out
of random events and remembers the events that fit the pattern.
2. Refuse
to make self-fulfilling prophesies. 
If you believe the rest of your
day will be as challenging as what's already happened, then rest assured: You'll
end up doing something (or saying) something that will make sure that your
prediction comes true.
3. Get a sense of proportion.
Think about
the big picture: Unless something life-changing has happened (like the death of
a loved one), chances are that in two weeks, you'll have forgotten completely
about whatever it was that has your shorts in a twist today.
4. Change
your threshold for "good" and "bad."
Decide that a good day is any day
that you're above ground. Similarly, decide that a bad day is when somebody
steals your car and drives it into the ocean. Those types of definitions make it
easy to be happy–and difficult to be sad.
5. Improve your body
chemistry.
Your body and brain are in a feedback loop: A bad mood makes
you tired, which makes your mood worse, and so forth. Interrupt the pattern by
getting up and moving around.  Take a walk or eat something healthy.

6. Focus on what's going well.
The primary reason you're convinced
it's a bad day is that you're focusing on whatever went wrong. However, for
everything going badly, there are probably dozens of things going well. 
Make list, and post it where it's visible.
7. Expect something
wondrous.
Just as an attitude of doom and gloom makes you see more
problems, facing the future with a sense of wonder makes you alive to all sorts
of wonderful things that are going on, right now, everywhere around
you.


Essentially P.M.S. continues to rule my life, even today.  Why won’t this fucking thing just show up?  It’s unbelievable….  Yesterday a co-worker ran into me, and I swear my boob hurt for a full hour afterward. Today is more of the same…they hurt just sitting here.  At least the cramps aren’t near as bad.  Let’s just say I’ve “padded up” and am ready for this fucker to show any time. 
But I’m waiting with a smile on my face.   Hahaha.

Yesterday I hurt someone’s feelings.  Sometimes I think I’m being funny, without thinking, or I guess, in this case thinking, but not verbalizing why I answered the way I did.  Gawd…I hate that.  There’s nothing worse than hurting someone you love.  I really work hard on being a good friend to people, so when I shit the bed like that, it really bothers me.  So, I took my beating, and hopefully it’s behind us.  It’s just a reminder that I guess not everything has to be at the cost of a joke.  To make it all worse:  I was stupefied that those words could’ve hurt her.  That’s how much of an ass I am.  Oh well, I guess we all know that anyway.

I’m now counting the minutes, 37 to be exact until I’m off of work.  This has
been an exceptional shitty work week.  I’m glad to see it over.  Hopefully, I’ll be sitting in front of an ice cold beer in exactly 47 mins. I don’t have time for but a
couple, as Cal has a game later.  But I so value my time, when I get to go out w/ co-workers after work.  It’s all so normal.  So, circa 2005 & the C-Tech good
‘ol days when I worked with one of my very best friends, and was surrounded by awesome folks all around. This is a pretty good bunch here, too. All in all, even with this week, I can’t complain.

Anyway, I’ll leave you with one of my favorite songs these days, Run by Matt Nathanson and Jennifer Nettles.  Every time I hear this song, I immediately get turned on.  TMI?  Well, I guess I hope I don’t hear it this weekend, since I’m sure to be full on hemorrhaging, and even I’m not that pervy (or young) where I mix that w/ my hubby. Lol

Have a great weekend everyone.


Much Love,


Jen



[Verse 1 (Matt):]
I wanna watch you undress
I wanna watch
you glow
Let your hair down
All around, cover us both
You come in a
wave
We crash and we roll
You surround me, pull me, drown me, swallow me
whole

[Chorus (Both):]
You turn, turn, turn, turning me
on

Like a slow fire burn 

Know that it's wrong

Still I run, run, run, run right into
you

Yeah, I run, run, run, run right into you


[Verse 2 (Jennifer):]
You pull me in close

You buckle my knees

I shake and I shiver just to feel you
breathe

You trace my lines

(You trace your lines)

Stirring my soul

Shoot sparks at the heart of the world and I
watch it explode
 (I watch you, I watch you)

[Chorus
(Both):]
You turn, turn, turn, turning me on

Like a slow fire burn 

Know that it's wrong

Still I run, run, run, run right into
you

Yeah, I run, run, run, run right into you


[Hook:]
[Matt]
I’m amazing when you’re beside me
I am
so much more
[Jennifer]
And I feel your fingers
Pound like
thunder
I am so much more
[Matt]
So much more

[Chorus
(Both):]
Turn, turn, turn, turning me on

Like a slow fire burn 

Know that it's wrong

Still I run, run, run, run right into
you

Yeah, I run, run, run, run right into you


Turn, turn, turn, turning me on

Like a slow fire burn 

Know that it's wrong

Still I run, run, run, run right into
you

Yeah, I run, run, run, run right into you

Still I run, run, run, run right back to you
[Jennifer]
Turning me
on
[Matt]
Like a slow fire burn

So, I was waiting very impatiently to see if we got the house in Byron.  I finally
rec’d the call yesterday to say that we got it.  I really thought I was going to be
happy. We should consider ourselves lucky that we got it….but as soon as I got off the phone; I just put my face in my hands and began to cry.  I really started to get upset, so I got in my car to get away from the office for a bit in order to pull myself together.  Of course, I turned to food…even though my stomach felt sick.  I guess I was freaking out about the fact, that it makes it all so final.  We will now be living here, for God knows how long.  We’re signing a one year lease, but I know it’s going to be the best school for the boys, so I can’t imagine taking them out of that situation after a year. As partners, wives, parents, we all know that feeling, when you just feel that you have no control over your own life.  I really don’t like it here.  That’s no exaggeration, but Brian likes his job, and this will be a good school for the boys.  Living in Byron will no doubt be better than living in this crappy little town we’re in now. But along with living there, we will be paying a lot more in rent and gas.  I just feel like I take one step forward and two steps back.  Really, it’s how I’ve felt for the past couple of years….like I have no control over my own life.  Of course, this is silly….  I did
agree to move out here.  I also took this job.  I like it, but I feel like my career is going in the wrong direction…  I went from International buying to sometimes buying toilet paper…and that’s no joke.  There’s more to it than that, but I feel like a 25 yo could do this job.  At least the pay is good, but it doesn’t help me feel good about myself.  But at the same time, I don’t honestly know if I’m capable of too much more than this. Sometimes my brain feels like mush…literally.  I can’t remember anything anymore, and sometimes I’ll just stare at the email I’ve started and have no idea why I’m emailing this person, and what it’s supposed to be about.  I’ll have to think about it for a couple of minutes sometimes before it clicks.  It’s such a crazy feeling.  I feel crazy.

After my pity party at work, I had to rush to therapy.  It’s funny how I always seem to have therapy on these types of days.  It was good on some levels I guess.  I’m taking a month off of it, though.  I miss my old therapist…  From that draining hour, I rushed back home to get to Ryne’s baseball game.  Thankfully I didn’t miss anything.  While there, Brian and I were able to talk a little bit, but Cal was with us, so it really wasn’t the time or place to discuss everything I was feeling.  I’m so not good at expressing my feelings with him, when I think it might hurt him.  So, after the game, Brian came with me so I could grab a bite to eat, and more importantly 2 Killian Reds.  I was able to tell him about how I feel about always putting everyone else first, and how draining it is on me, etc.  He never knows what to say in those situations, but at least I was able to express my feeling and that was a weight off of my shoulders.  I’m sure the beers helped, too.

I do have to say that as emotionally draining as yesterday was, I’m so lucky to have a couple of friends who will jump through hoops in their own ways, to try to make my day better. It really did help.  I don’t know what I’d do without ppl like that in my life.

Today will be another crazy busy day.  Ryne has a game out in God knows where (over an hour from the house), so I’ll be doing a ton of driving tonight. 
Always a joy. Both boys are really having a blast with baseball, though.  It’s so cool to see.  They are having a great summer.  They also go to the outdoor pool (Parks & Rec) everyday with the sitter.  Ryne is even doing crazy jumps off the high dive. He’s really come out of his shell these past few months.  I’m hoping that will do him service when it’s time to start at the new school.  Plus, he’ll have started football before the school starts.  That should give him a good opportunity to meet other kids.  I really am desperate for them to love and thrive at this school. I’m not kidding…the school seems to have everything.

So, I heard, “Cool Change” from the LRB the other day.  I’d never particularly liked the song, but this time the lyrics hit me pretty good. I’ve been day dreaming a lot lately of just sitting on the rocks, that are covered a bit by the ocean in Wrangell, by myself…..just taking in that smell.  Oh, I love the smell up there.  It’s so crisp.  I’d love to watch the bald eagles fish, and the seals swimming around looking for those same fish.  The boats are in the far background and I’ll wonder if I know them, and maybe be able to tell if their going up river or simply going fishing.  That’s my place right now.  That’s my Cool Change.

Lyrics:

If
there's one thing in my life that's missing
It's the time that I spend
alone
Sailing on the cool and bright clear water
There's lots of those
friendly people
They're showing me ways to go
But I never want to lose
their inspiration

Time for a cool change
I know that it's time for a
cool change
And I know that my life is so pre-arranged
I know that it's
time for a cool change

Well I was born in the sign of water
And it's
there that I feel my best
The albatross and the whales they are my
brothers
And it's kind of a special feeling
When you're out on the sea
alone
Staring at the full moon like a lover

I've never been
romantic
And sometimes I don't care
I know it may sound selfish
But let
me breathe the air

If there's one thing in my life that's missing
It's
the time that I spend alone
Sailing on the cool and bright clear water

It's kind of a special feeling
When you're out on the sea alone
Staring at
the full moon like a lover

It's been a few days since I've been on here, but you know how crazy things have been lately.
First: the house situation.  We made an offer on a house that we really like, although it's definitely overpriced for what it is.  We offered $100 less a month, than they are listing it though the realtor for.  I waited on pins and needles all day Friday, to finally hear back about 6 that night, that they would split the difference with us.  Really, it's still too much money, but it's a house we could be very happy in, and it's close to the schools and a beautiful park.  I accepted the price but then came back with, allowing us to move in mid-July, since we'd already commited through July in this house.  The boys will still be in baseball, and it's an awful lot of cash to be coming up with at once.  I thought it was very fair.  I think we would be the type of ppl that somebody would want to rent to.  But now, I haven't heard boo back from the realtor.  It's now Sunday morning, and she has not gotten back to me since Friday night.  F'ing pissed....  So, we will have to drive all the way out to Byron today, to look at some damn house on a working grain farm, because the realtor won't get back to me.  BTW, ppl not getting back to me is a HUGE pet peeve for me.  In my working life, I am very upfront in what I expect as far as communication and am successful, apparently, even though I'm treating this house deal as a work project, the realtor could give a shit.  So, right now, I don't know if I have a house, don't have a house, am moving in 2 weeks, 4 weeks, or not at all.  No fucking stress there.

Little League has been keeping us all very busy.  It seems like there's something nearly every night of the week.  Fri night Cal had a 5:30 game, when Ryne's game wasn't until 8.  After Ryne's game I got ahold of Suzi (the bar manager that I used to do things with occasionally).  She said she was working and that it was pretty dead.  I figured since she didn't know that we were going to be moving that I would drop in and fill her in.  I don't know why, but I hadn't seen her since our Christmas party.  She's super nice, but I just quit meeting up with them, and stuff.  I did that with everyone that I was friendly with.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe it's because my time feels spread so thin a lot of the time, or if it's because nothing was really as I was hoping for.  None of the friendships were like my other friends, which is what I'm desperately craving.  I haven't been going to church lately (I guess I got tired of hearing how those that didn't give themselves completely to Jesus were not going to heaven, or going to hell).  In my mind, that's not the way I believe it to be.  I think God loves us all, and really he just wants us to lead good lives.  Brian is not a big believer, so I became resentful at hearing the threats against those who weren't dropping everything for Jesus.  Brian will be in heaven with me.  And I guess, I owe an explination to my friend that's married to the pastor.  I really do like her.  We have so much in common.  We did things together outside of the church.  I declined the past few times she's invited me to something and even still owe her a response to a "Are you okay?" text that she sent me a couple of months ago.  I just didn't know how to answer.  I'll tell you what, though.  One of the members continues to send me her church program every week, complete with notes and all, though.....

So now having talked about the friendship situation here, I can tell you that work has really afforded me some awesome opportunities to meet cool ppl.  There's only about 60 ppl that work there, mostly men, but most of the ppl are so genuinely cool.  Although, I must say for the size of the co., there's way too much drama always going on.  But anyway, there's this gal Stephanie that works in another building.  She's in her late 20's and is very self sufficient.  Everyone seems really intimidated by her, and I love a challenge, so when we were out one night after work, I told her she was going to be my work bff.  And we've really kept the gig going.  It's pretty funny.  She already knows that I'm demanding of my bff's but that I'm worth it.  lol  We've had so much fun with it.  Yesterday at the ball field, while she was eating a bratt, I told her she was going to need to give up meat.  lmao.  Then a co-workers wife got in on it and said she was jealous, because I should be her bff.  We all had a lot of fun with it, and probably for the first time in my life someone was jealous (even if it was all only fun and games :) of my relationships.  Brian is the least jealous person you could ever meet.

Well, I'm picking up where I left off yesterday.  The day got crazy and couldn't get back to it.  Yesterday was Brian and my 20th anniversary of being together (and 17 yr wedding anniversary).  It's so crazy to think 20 years...  I don't feel like I'm old enough to have been with someone that long.  It's now been half my life, and my whole adult life.  I'll be the first to admit that marriage isn't easy.  In fact, there are many times it can be very, very hard.  There have been a couple of times during our time together that I wasn't  sure that we'd make it through.  But I'm so very glad we have.  He'll be my one and only husband.  I sitll get overwhelmed by the "'til death do you part," sometimes, but I know it's just me and how I am beyond a commitment phobe.  I overthink everything in my life.  But the one thing that can be easier than anything in the world, is when it's just Brian and I by ourselves for any amount of time.  He's the one person I want to spend my time with.  (Although there are a couple I wouldn't mind going on an 8 day, 7 night cruise with-LMAO....sorry, inside joke).  He tells me several times a week, that he loves me more today, then when he married me.  I'm the shit that doesn't say it a lot, but I feel exactly the same way.  There's no doubt that I love him more than when I met him, moved in with him, married him, had our 10 year anniversary, had our kids, etc.  Our love has always been there and its done a great job of maturing, as we have, well "mature," might be a poor choice of words :)

So, we spent our anniversary by going out to Byron and just driving around.  We also looked at another house, but it was beyond a piece of shit.  It was a beautiful day, so we took it in, and then stopped in at some neat looking saloon.  The vibe was so cool in there, and the food was excellent.  Even though it was only a few hours, it was nice to have some time to ourselves.

It was also Father's Day and the boys made him a neat picture arrangement.  Brian is a great day.  He's most certainly the "fun" parent."  But for the most part, we made the day about our anniversary.  Brian's dad left when he was little and he hasn't seen him since he was 10 or so.  I haven't spoken to the man I called "Dad" in 6 years.  It was a decision that had to be made.  It was when I was going through all of Caleb's testing, etc., and I just had to give in to the fact, that having him in my life caused me too much stress.  I came to that conclusion about a year after Nealy had.  I've never met my biological father.  In fact, I think it was only about a year and a half ago that I learned his name.  I've made a couple of half hearted attemps to find him, but I don't know if he got the email, or if was even the right guy.  I would be curious to see a picture of him and his, I believe 3 kids.  I really don't think I'd want more than that.  Everyone has their reasons for why they handle things the way they do, but when it comes to kids, I'll never, ever understand how a parent can walk away without a fight.  When I was much younger, I used to think it was because I was so ugly....  That's me, blaming myself.  Of course I know better now.  It just would've been cool to have a father growing up.  I guess he was quite the athlete.  We surely could've bonded over sports.  Like I said, I'm just really curious to see what he looks like, as I hear I look just like him.  But I also really want to know the medical history from that side.  Maybe it could help put some of Cal's pieces together.

Alright, I'll get back to my p.m.s.  It's been my constant companion the past couple of days.

Hope you're all well.

p.s.  My diet sucks.

You ever have those days where all  of a sudden you look at the clock, and it's not at all what you expected?  Well, SOB if I didn't just look at the clock and it's 8:30 p.m.  I'm not sure how that happened.  I talked to my mom for a bit on the phone, and then piddled on the computer for a little bit and bam...go out to talk to Brian and he's snoring on the couch.  He had a really tough day at work, though, 6-6:00, so I'm glad he's getting some sleep.  I woke him up last night, and he exclaimed that it was 11:00, and he can't believe he was still up.  I had to remind him that he had been sleeping the past couple of hours, that I was the one that was still up (and am almost every night).  I still have so much laundry and cleaning to do tonight.  I really wasn't planning on losing 2 hours.

I've been obsessing over the goal of losing 20 lbs over the next 2 months.  I just keep thinking "when" I have to wear that bikini, instead of "I won't let that happen."  I used to be such a fighter.  Wonder what happened to that spirit (although it still appears in games of pool, darts, or any other game the bar might have).  I've got to change my way of thinking around.  I really do need this.  I've decided to go visit Amy in Aug., so that is a motivator.  I don't want to ever wear a bikini, and I most certainly don't want to wear one in front of a good friend like that.  Plus, I want to enjoy the vacation, instead of feeling shame for that few days, worrying about the weight.  When the pounds come off, the shame seems to shed off, too.  Shame is such a powerful word.  For years my therapist used to associate it with just about all my feelings, not feeling good enough, blah, blah, blah.  I'm in a place right now, where I'm not feeling that.  I still have my issues, but I'm in a good place.  I feel good about life.  I'm extremely stressed about the living situation, but that's normal stress.  I feel great about just being able to feel good.  To be able to enjoy my day.  To not feel like I'm letting the world down.  For me, living in the present is such a gift.  It's a gift that I value so, and I pray that it's here to stay.  I know it has to be, uh what's the word to describe this...boring or unsettling to read this blog, when my mind isn't in the right place.  I truly wish I felt "good" every day, but for whatever reason, my balance just hasn't worked that way.  So, even though I've found myself in a rather shitty mood tonight, for no reason, I'll take it.  It's normal.  I feel "normal."  In saying this, I realize everyone has their own normal.  None of us can really be classified as "normal."  Everybody has their shit that's for sure.  But let's do what we can to embrace our shit (but not in a "dirty sanchez" kinda way).

There are a couple of homes we want to look at in Byron, but the realtor was not getting back to us.  I was getting really pissed, because the homes go so quickly.  So, I did what any grown up would do, I called the office and told on her.  LOL....  Well, in a way, but you know what...she called me right back after that.  We are looking at the houses on Thurs.  Oh man, I hope something works out.  In all aspects of my life, I am a planner.  Not being able to "plan" where I'm going to be living in 6 weeks has been really tough.  It's what wakes me up at 3 a.m.  But sometimes I'm lucky, and I can get back to sleep.

I don't know that we've talked about food addiction much, if at all (I probably have but truly CRS).  It's only been in the last year, that I've really realized how much of an addict I am when it comes to food.  I've also become aware of the "shame" that I've associated with the eating/drinking of things that not only make me look like a fat ape, but are like poison.  With this in mind, I'd like to share a dream I had two nights ago:  I was at McD's and was buying a ton of food for myself, but then thought I outta get these $1 ice cream things they had for the boys, too.  I remember buying a hot fudge sundae, apple pie, Large Coke, fries, filet-o-fish (probably), and maybe even more.  As I walked out of McD's, I ran into Andrea.  (Andrea is a very good friend of Amy's that lives in CO.  I know her from a Vegas trip we went on, and I really do like her.  But we don't talk a lot, so it's weird that she was in the dream).  I remember seeing her, when I had all this food, and thinking, it'll be okay, she won't judge me.  Then, right after that, Chuck (Amy's husband walks up), along with Andrea's husband, Phillip.  As soon as I saw Chuck, I died inside.  I knew that he would be staring at all of that food in disgust.  Then, sure as shit Amy shows up.  I remember them all staring at the mounds of food I was carrying, and all I could think to say, was these 2 ice cream things are for the boys.  That's all I remember of the dream.  In retrospect, I probably had it, because I had seen pics that night of Chuck and Phillip at a tough Mudder (?) event.  They are in fantastic shape, as in Amy.  Like unreal shape.  So, I think that dream said a lot.  I guess, despite my earlier statement, I do have issues with shame and food.  I do feel like I need to hide it.  Which is the funniest thing, because what's the very first thing ppl notice about you, if you're fat....it's that you're fat....  There really is no hiding it.  So, although I guess I do have my 20 lbs. goal for August, my real goal should be to get rid of the shame associated with the fat.  I want to embrace Amy and be able to only see her hard work and extreme dedication (which I do), and not also see a person that I'm not.  Wow.  I think this is therapy.  My tears are welled up here.  I'm so proud of her.  I hope some day she can be proud of me in the same way.  I hope you all can.  I've done a great job of surrounding myself with ppl that take care of themselves.  I'm sure that's not by accident.  I'm really proud of all of you.  It's never "easy" to be in shape, and as we are getting older, it becomes even tougher, yet 3 of my very closest friends are in the best shape of their lives.  I know they want this for me.  I want this me.  I need to want it enough to do something about it, I guess.  To quit hiding behind this fucking body.

Okay, I've got to stop, or I'll beat myself up all night (and this is me "good,"  lol).  I had no idea what the blog was going to be about tonight, and it's helped me realize some things.  Time to build on them I guess.

Hope you all have a great night,

Jen

This weekend was as relaxing as it could be, considering we don't have anywhere to live in 6 weeks.  On Sat., I decided to take a walk at the canal.  It'd been a while since I've done it.  It's such a long drive, and I'm always so sick of driving, plus it's hard to find that kind of time.  Brian was great, and took the boys out for the day, while I did my thing.  I walked 4.2 miles along the canal.  It was really beautiful, but it was 90 degrees out.  Thank goodness for the wind.  For the first mile or so, I had some serious anxiety working.  My mind just wouldn't get off the fact that we need to find a place to live, pay for it, blah, blah, blah....  At some point, I was able to just put it all away and enjoy the walk, though.  Afterward, I went and lifted weights at the club.   Then, I went to this great little deli that sells a sandwich called, The Haymound.  It's full of veggies, and the main one being sprouts.  I love it.  I then went shopping at Walmart....and actually stuck to the list and the budget.  I even used a calculator to keep track as I went along.  It felt good to finally take some steps in taking control of the financial situation.

Yesterday was equally as nice.  While Brian took the boys swimming, I got some serious cleaning done, while listening to some great music.  Cookies weren't on the shopping list the day before, and the boys were wanting a "dessert."  So, I then made some chocolate chip oatmeal cookies.  Let me tell you....I ate a bunch of the batter.  What a dumb ass.  The day before a weigh in...  I redeemed myself a bit afterward, by making some green juice.  I still think juicing is a huge pain in the ass, but I feel so great about myself after it's done.  Oh, and earlier in the morning, Brian and I got a nice 3 mile or so walk in.  We were trying to figure out what was "best" in a new place...  It seems that our price range is going to either get us a 3 bed 1 bath small house, or a decent size 2 bed, 2 bath duplex.  I've been outvoted, in that everyone thinks the boys having their own room is more important than a second bathroom.  I grew up my whole life with one bathroom, and now that it 3 boys, 1 girl, it kills me to give up that second bathroom.  But such is life, I guess.  Anyway, that's putting the cart before the horse.  Housing is so hard to come by out there.

I wasn't sure too sure of what to expect from the weigh in this morning.  While I had some really great dieting moments last week, I also made some poor choices.  But I must say, the smart choices really did outweigh the bad.  So, I got on that dreaded scale to find that I'd lost 4 oz.  I'm choosing to think of that as a 1/4 pounder with cheese  :)  While I'm not thrilled with it, I had lost 5 lbs. the week before, so I'm at 5 lbs 4 oz over 2 weeks.  I'll take that.  And I'm hoping this week will be better.

Oh, yes, and my eyes are doing pretty good.  They still are super dry...and feel heavy at times, but each week they should continue to get better.  I see the Dr. again in 7 weeks.

Here's to Monday being over, and a great week for all of us.

Jen