rec’d the call yesterday to say that we got it. I really thought I was going to be
happy. We should consider ourselves lucky that we got it….but as soon as I got off the phone; I just put my face in my hands and began to cry. I really started to get upset, so I got in my car to get away from the office for a bit in order to pull myself together. Of course, I turned to food…even though my stomach felt sick. I guess I was freaking out about the fact, that it makes it all so final. We will now be living here, for God knows how long. We’re signing a one year lease, but I know it’s going to be the best school for the boys, so I can’t imagine taking them out of that situation after a year. As partners, wives, parents, we all know that feeling, when you just feel that you have no control over your own life. I really don’t like it here. That’s no exaggeration, but Brian likes his job, and this will be a good school for the boys. Living in Byron will no doubt be better than living in this crappy little town we’re in now. But along with living there, we will be paying a lot more in rent and gas. I just feel like I take one step forward and two steps back. Really, it’s how I’ve felt for the past couple of years….like I have no control over my own life. Of course, this is silly…. I did
agree to move out here. I also took this job. I like it, but I feel like my career is going in the wrong direction… I went from International buying to sometimes buying toilet paper…and that’s no joke. There’s more to it than that, but I feel like a 25 yo could do this job. At least the pay is good, but it doesn’t help me feel good about myself. But at the same time, I don’t honestly know if I’m capable of too much more than this. Sometimes my brain feels like mush…literally. I can’t remember anything anymore, and sometimes I’ll just stare at the email I’ve started and have no idea why I’m emailing this person, and what it’s supposed to be about. I’ll have to think about it for a couple of minutes sometimes before it clicks. It’s such a crazy feeling. I feel crazy.
After my pity party at work, I had to rush to therapy. It’s funny how I always seem to have therapy on these types of days. It was good on some levels I guess. I’m taking a month off of it, though. I miss my old therapist… From that draining hour, I rushed back home to get to Ryne’s baseball game. Thankfully I didn’t miss anything. While there, Brian and I were able to talk a little bit, but Cal was with us, so it really wasn’t the time or place to discuss everything I was feeling. I’m so not good at expressing my feelings with him, when I think it might hurt him. So, after the game, Brian came with me so I could grab a bite to eat, and more importantly 2 Killian Reds. I was able to tell him about how I feel about always putting everyone else first, and how draining it is on me, etc. He never knows what to say in those situations, but at least I was able to express my feeling and that was a weight off of my shoulders. I’m sure the beers helped, too.
I do have to say that as emotionally draining as yesterday was, I’m so lucky to have a couple of friends who will jump through hoops in their own ways, to try to make my day better. It really did help. I don’t know what I’d do without ppl like that in my life.
Today will be another crazy busy day. Ryne has a game out in God knows where (over an hour from the house), so I’ll be doing a ton of driving tonight.
Always a joy. Both boys are really having a blast with baseball, though. It’s so cool to see. They are having a great summer. They also go to the outdoor pool (Parks & Rec) everyday with the sitter. Ryne is even doing crazy jumps off the high dive. He’s really come out of his shell these past few months. I’m hoping that will do him service when it’s time to start at the new school. Plus, he’ll have started football before the school starts. That should give him a good opportunity to meet other kids. I really am desperate for them to love and thrive at this school. I’m not kidding…the school seems to have everything.
So, I heard, “Cool Change” from the LRB the other day. I’d never particularly liked the song, but this time the lyrics hit me pretty good. I’ve been day dreaming a lot lately of just sitting on the rocks, that are covered a bit by the ocean in Wrangell, by myself…..just taking in that smell. Oh, I love the smell up there. It’s so crisp. I’d love to watch the bald eagles fish, and the seals swimming around looking for those same fish. The boats are in the far background and I’ll wonder if I know them, and maybe be able to tell if their going up river or simply going fishing. That’s my place right now. That’s my Cool Change.
there's one thing in my life that's missing
It's the time that I spend
Sailing on the cool and bright clear water
There's lots of those
They're showing me ways to go
But I never want to lose
Time for a cool change
I know that it's time for a
And I know that my life is so pre-arranged
I know that it's
time for a cool change
Well I was born in the sign of water
there that I feel my best
The albatross and the whales they are my
And it's kind of a special feeling
When you're out on the sea
Staring at the full moon like a lover
I've never been
And sometimes I don't care
I know it may sound selfish
me breathe the air
If there's one thing in my life that's missing
the time that I spend alone
Sailing on the cool and bright clear water
It's kind of a special feeling
When you're out on the sea alone
the full moon like a lover