This meme made me laugh: mostly, because it's true - although exercise does help the head. A couple of Fridays ago, my mind was spinning with a lot of things, including calorie counting. I had anxiety and became hyper-focused on the weigh-in the next morning. Mind you, this is a weigh-in I can do any day of the week. I just normally do them on Saturdays (for the boot camp competition). There's no real pressure there. I didn't join this thing in the hopes of winning. I joined with the intention of staying on track and finding new motivation. Still, I kept obsessing about dinner. Brian had asked if I wanted to go out that evening, but I told him I wanted to stay in. A friend had also invited me for dinner and drinks. When my mind is spinning, I know having drinks isn't always the best thing for me. I knew, that night, I needed to calm my mind with hiking. The weather was shitty, so I was looking forward to nobody being on the trails. I stopped on my way home, so I didn't have Jesse, and I was without my new favorite thing, my fanny pack (old lady alert-but I fucking love that thing) which holds my pepper spray. As I was stretching, a guy pulls up and starts asking about the park and trails. I give him a quick run-down and take off, without finishing my stretching, so I can get away from him. When you're out there, it can be a vulnerable feeling. I simply couldn't believe anyone else would be there on this rainy, Friday night. Often times, there's nobody at this park on a beautiful weekend. He quickly catches up to me, and begins chatting me up. He then asks if he could hike with me. He was from Buffalo, NY but was working in Chicago for the week. He looked up hiking trails and drove the 1 1/2 hours out here, specifically to hike this park (which is kind of amazing because it's really not much of a park). He was a nice kid, probably 25ish. He told me about his two year old son and wife and then all of these things about his life start spilling out of him - as if he were working things out. He told me about his parents getting divorced when he was young and the lack of relationship with his biological father but close one with his step-dad. In the middle of all of this, I wondered why he was telling me these things. I've always chalked the fact that people open up to me because I'm fat. It's safe to tell the fat girl things. She won't let you down. As he's talking, I know that I'm still over-weight, but I don't know that I'm the safe, fat girl weight anymore. It was a really great hike, and he pushed me, without knowing to walking faster. I hiked longer than expected, and it was all so random. I feel like there was a reason things turned out like they did that night. He must have needed to talk things out, and I needed to be shown that yes - making the choice to take care of myself mentally and physically, instead of turning to food and alcohol as was my pull, was right for me. It made a challenging day, okay. I needed it more than I even realized at the time.
Yesterday, it was stupid cold outside. I laid in bed thinking about how nice and warm it was. Brian was lightly snoring beside me, but I needed to get up to meet a friend to hike. I just kept thinking I don't wanna get up. The thing is, even if I weren't meeting her, I still would've gotten up to hike. I love hiking, as much as anything. I've mentioned before, that it feels like my church. As much as I love it, the first thought that always goes through my head, is I don't wanna. I'm not a morning person. The last thing I want to do is get my achy body out of bed to stretch, then sit in a car for half an hour before stretching again. But thank God I do. I feel the same way before every single boot camp. There isn't one time, that I've been excited to go. It's a real head fuck before every workout. I worry I'll injure myself and tell myself that I should do something less jarring. I think about how badly I stick out amongst all of these really fit, thin people. I think about how tired I am after working all day. Like a child, I don't wanna plays through my head over and over again as I push myself to get ready and go. But thank God I do. I'm getting a lot out of it, even modifying as I have to. I've gained friends and you know what, biceps. I never thought I'd have those. I'm finding a fire that I'd extinguished long ago. Really, it's not a fire, it's a little smoke from a match, but once I get past the I don't wannas, maybe it will grow to a flame. Last weekend, I knew I was going to be gone all day, and I knew I was going to take in calories. I didn't wanna…but I got up at 5:30 that morning to do chores and take Jesse out for a few miles at 6:30 that morning. I didn't wanna do these things, but I ended the day at 18,500 steps. A day that could have been nothing but weight gain (and there still was-but it was a softened blow) but thank God I did. The same holds true with eating. I really don't want to eat healthy. I'd rather eat what I want all day, but I know that's a miserable existence. Food is a mask. I don't wanna eat a lot of the things I do, but thank God I do. I'll stop rambling on about this, but I really wanted to hammer home a point: most people don't want to. We just have to do it. We all make every excuse in our heads why we can't do thing or even tell ourselves some bullshit excuse about why we shouldn't treat ourselves well. But please do….Do the things you know are good for you. One day these don't wannas will be a thing of the past. This will all get easier with time. I know it will. In the meantime, just do. One walk at time. One meal or snack at a time. Just do. You deserve it.
Oh, I thought I'd share with you the WTForecast I rec'd after the hike. I thought it was fitting.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend. I can't wait to hear about the things you go out and do.
Oh, and this is such a beautiful version of Wildflowers. Hope you check it out.