​Happy Sunday everyone! It's a beautiful, crisp day out here in Illinois. I would normally be hiking right now, but I spent a lot of yesterday frozen and I'll get out there later today - after it warms up a bit. I may just walk in town today, too. I've spent at least two hours a day in a car for weeks on end, and my goal is to not leave town today. We'll see, the call of the woods may end up winning, as it often does.

This meme made me laugh: mostly, because it's true - although exercise does help the head. A couple of Fridays ago, my mind was spinning with a lot of things, including calorie counting. I had anxiety and became hyper-focused on the weigh-in the next morning. Mind you, this is a weigh-in I can do any day of the week. I just normally do them on Saturdays (for the boot camp competition). There's no real pressure there. I didn't join this thing in the hopes of winning. I joined with the intention of staying on track and finding new motivation. Still, I kept obsessing about dinner. Brian had asked if I wanted to go out that evening, but I told him I wanted to stay in. A friend had also invited me for dinner and drinks. When my mind is spinning, I know having drinks isn't always the best thing for me. I knew, that night, I needed to calm my mind with hiking. The weather was shitty, so I was looking forward to nobody being on the trails. I stopped on my way home, so I didn't have Jesse, and I was without my new favorite thing, my fanny pack (old lady alert-but I fucking love that thing) which holds my pepper spray. As I was stretching, a guy pulls up and starts asking about the park and trails. I give him a quick run-down and take off, without finishing my stretching, so I can get away from him. When you're out there, it can be a vulnerable feeling. I simply couldn't believe anyone else would be there on this rainy, Friday night. Often times, there's nobody at this park on a beautiful weekend. He quickly catches up to me, and begins chatting me up. He then asks if he could hike with me. He was from Buffalo, NY but was working in Chicago for the week. He looked up hiking trails and drove the 1 1/2 hours out here, specifically to hike this park (which is kind of amazing because it's really not much of a park). He was a nice kid, probably 25ish. He told me about his two year old son and wife and then all of these things about his life start spilling out of him - as if he were working things out. He told me about his parents getting divorced when he was young and the lack of relationship with his biological father but close one with his step-dad. In the middle of all of this, I wondered why he was telling me these things. I've always chalked the fact that people open up to me because I'm fat. It's safe to tell the fat girl things. She won't let you down. As he's talking, I know that I'm still over-weight, but I don't know that I'm the safe, fat girl weight anymore. It was a really great hike, and he pushed me, without knowing to walking faster. I hiked longer than expected, and it was all so random. I feel like there was a reason things turned out like they did that night. He must have needed to talk things out, and I needed to be shown that yes - making the choice to take care of myself mentally and physically, instead of turning to food and alcohol as was my pull, was right for me. It made a challenging day, okay. I needed it more than I even realized at the time.
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Yesterday, it was stupid cold outside. I laid in bed thinking about how nice and warm it was. Brian was lightly snoring beside me, but I needed to get up to meet a friend to hike. I just kept thinking I don't wanna get up. The thing is, even if I weren't meeting her, I still would've gotten up to hike. I love hiking, as much as anything. I've mentioned before, that it feels like my church. As much as I love it, the first thought that always goes through my head, is I don't wanna. I'm not a morning person. The last thing I want to do is get my achy body out of bed to stretch, then sit in a car for half an hour before stretching again. But thank God I do. I feel the same way before every single boot camp. There isn't one time, that I've been excited to go. It's a real head fuck before every workout. I worry I'll injure myself and tell myself that I should do something less jarring. I think about how badly I stick out amongst all of these really fit, thin people. I think about how tired I am after working all day. Like a child, I don't wanna plays through my head over and over again as I push myself to get ready and go. But thank God I do. I'm getting a lot out of it, even modifying as I have to. I've gained friends and you know what, biceps. I never thought I'd have those. I'm finding a fire that I'd extinguished long ago. Really, it's not a fire, it's a little smoke from a match, but once I get past the I don't wannas, maybe it will grow to a flame. Last weekend, I knew I was going to be gone all day, and I knew I was going to take in calories. I didn't wanna…but I got up at 5:30 that morning to do chores and take Jesse out for a few miles at 6:30 that morning. I didn't wanna do these things, but I ended the day at 18,500 steps. A day that could have been nothing but weight gain (and there still was-but it was a softened blow) but thank God I did. The same holds true with eating. I really don't want to eat healthy. I'd rather eat what I want all day, but I know that's a miserable existence. Food is a mask. I don't wanna eat a lot of the things I do, but thank God I do. I'll stop rambling on about this, but I really wanted to hammer home a point: most people don't want to. We just have to do it. We all make every excuse in our heads why we can't do thing or even tell ourselves some bullshit excuse about why we shouldn't treat ourselves well. But please do….Do the things you know are good for you. One day these don't wannas will be a thing of the past. This will all get easier with time. I know it will. In the meantime, just do. One walk at time. One meal or snack at a time. Just do. You deserve it.

Oh, I thought I'd share with you the WTForecast I rec'd after the hike. I thought it was fitting.

​I would like to thank you again for your response to the blog recently. In particular, one message keeps ringing through my head. I've gone my whole life without hearing words like that, and it was so inspiring. You all have given me the confidence to work on the book again. There was a part of me that thought maybe I would never come back to it, but I'm so glad I have. I love the characters and the story. Each time I work on it, even when I don't wanna (turns out I'm a huge, lazy fuck who never wants to do anything- ha), I finish feeling excited to work on the next chapter. One day this distant dream of a printed book will become a reality. Thank you for giving me this gift. I needed it.

​Enjoy the rest of your weekend. I can't wait to hear about the things you go out and do.
~Jen       

Oh, and this is such a beautiful version of Wildflowers. Hope you check it out.

I'm not somebody who puts a lot of thought into anniversaries or dates...hell, I even suck at remembering birthdays. Today, however has been etched in my mind for a good month leading up to it. A year ago today, was the first time I met with the weight loss counselor at NowCare. Making the decision to go there, was not an easy one. It was something I didn't really even feel ready for, but I knew I needed to make a change. I felt so sick all the time-much more than anyone knew. A friend of mine was going, and after she called me out for not making any big changes in my diet-I immediately made the appointment. She was right. I was bitching about being fat, but I wasn't doing anything about it.

The intake was five days before the first appointment. If you know me, you know I have a God awful memory. The funny thing is, I recall nearly every detail of that day and so much of that first week. I won't bore you with all that led up to getting to the appointment, but I felt almost numb by the time I got there. The intake was just checking vitals and doing some blood work. My blood pressure was very high, as it had gotten in those recent months. So high, a doctor was called in, and I was told I needed to lay down until they could get it down far enough to let me leave. If it wouldn't come down enough, they were going to send me by ambulance to an emergency room. It took several re-checks but eventually came down enough that they agreed to let me leave, if I went to my local urgent care to address the issue (where my doctor works out of). Before heading to urgent care, I went through the Taco Bell drive-thru for breakfast (even though I'd eaten breakfast earlier) and a Pepsi. Yes, the thought of getting sent to an emergency room, didn't even shape me up. My doctor was not working urgent care, but another Dr. I'd seen before was working. He blasted me for not coming in sooner. He was right, although I couldn't admit it at the time. I should've come in much sooner. I knew how bad it was. My systolic had been over 200 earlier that month. He adjusted my meds and made another appt for me to see my own Dr. that Mon. I remember the rest of the day, vividly, too.

My first appointment with the weight loss specialist went pretty well. I liked her quite a bit (although my following appointments all ended up being with another counselor). At this appointment, I had to face my fears and get on a scale in front of someone - not just anyone - a super skinny woman. I was shaking. It was such a desperate feeling. This was the reason I was there, though. I needed accountability. I couldn't seem to be accountable to myself, and I'm someone who hate to let people down, so I needed to be accountable to another person. This worked for me. 

That first week, was actually a pretty terrible week in my life. I've looked back on it many times, and thought the timing of everything happened for a reason. As someone who always turned to food for comfort, had it not been for starting NowCare that week, I would've surely gained weight-and kept gaining it. Again, the details surrounding that week are so clear to me, even as I write. It's a week that kept seemingly bleeding into this year. 

I've thought about the year and how I would describe it. What first popped into my mind, was it was a year of tears. I think I cried more this year, than the 44 years before, combined. I used to never, cry, mind you. In fact, at one point, I had realized I hadn't shed a tear in a couple of years. This year has been such an anomaly. It's a wound that doesn't want to heal completely, but it sure the hell should have by  now. I also think, it's because as I mentioned earlier- I lost my comfort-food. It's hard to find a place for emotions to go, when you've spent a lifetime, soothing them with food. I no longer had that option. It has been a really hard thing to adjust to, slowly but surely, I find other - healthier - outlets for my emotions.

The year has been so much more than that, though. Tears won't define my year. I had a Dr's appointment a couple of weeks ago. I told him I was frustrated I wasn't off of my bp meds yet (it makes me crazy that I still have to take them). He looked at me, as if I were nuts and said, "A year ago you were in here and it was 180/120, and today it was 117/74." I thought about it and how high I knew my bp had actually gotten, and it was a great reminder of how far I'd come. A year ago, I had tingling in my arm, among a host of other things. There was a wellness fair at work recently, and they did blood panels right there. The nurse told me she wished her numbers were that good, and I didn't need to improve upon anything. (A year ago, the numbers basically said I was going to have a short life.)

I've been able to do so much more this year than I could've even imagined. I have an energy that I don't ever remember having. The weight loss has allowed me to find the confidence to try different workout classes, go to a gym, to put on shorts....little things most wouldn't think twice about. Most importantly, I was able to go home (to Alaska) and have the energy to keep up with everyone and be as busy as I wanted to be. The past couple of trips home, I had to sideline myself at times. Getting to zip line recently was so huge to me. I'll never forget the humiliation of being too big for every fucking zip line in Maui. The embarrassment of learning this in front of my little sister.... I missed out on such a big opportunity to adventure with her and her family. I've been able to hike the fuck out of some pretty amazing places this past year. The list really goes on and on. I feel good about living it to the fullest. There have been so many wonderful days. Days/nights where I've felt the love and known I'm doing my best to see all life has to offer. 

Recently, on a couple of separate occasions, local friends have introduced me to some of their friends. Early in the conversations with the new people, they have brought up the fact that I've lost 100 pounds. It's a very weird feeling to know this is how I'm being described to people, or talked about. I've gotten very uncomfortable each time, but eventually the discomfort fades away after they start asking questions. None of the people who have asked these questions, have been overweight, but most people can relate to having issues with food or diet. We all have our own struggles. It's something I need to keep reminding myself. I see someone who isn't heavy, and I can't even begin to imagine that they have their own food issues. We all have issues, though. I'm learning this more and more, as different people have approached or written me. 

Before starting at NowCare, I was already down 30 pounds (after I'd already started gaining weight back). In this past year, I've lost an additional 80 pounds. 110 pound weight loss is very hard for me to wrap my head around. It doesn't seem real to me. This is an average of a 1 1/2 pound loss a week. It sure doesn't seem like much, but thank God it adds up. I'm happy with the way it's all unfolded. It has been a little frustrating lately as things have slowed and gotten more difficult to see results, though. Today my counselor suggested I started adding more calories back into my diet to wake up my metabolism. I know me...and giving a food addict license to eat more, sure seems like a bad idea. I really hunkered down this last week to lose the two pounds I'd gained on vacation. I know if I'm dedicated enough, I'll get to my goal. I'm hoping to be satisfied once I hit my goal weight in another 17-18 pounds.

It's hard to know that I was bigger than a lot of Biggest Loser contestants or professional football players. My husband often makes comments about heavy people's weight, not knowing that I weighed more than them. I would shrink inside and wonder what he saw in me. It's true. I think I married Shallow Hal. If he ever saw the weight in me, he never let on. I've been really lucky that way, with him. 

I've rambled on long enough. Today has been really big for me in a lot of ways, and I definitely felt the need to write. Thank you for taking the time to read.

I'll leave you with something I've mentioned many times....if I can do it, anyone can. It's no joke. I went into this kicking and screaming. I didn't think I was ready to make the changes. I got the shit kicked out of me this year, and still, I didn't use it as an excuse to eat poorly. You matter. You're worth it. If you feel you need to make a change, start right now. Start tomorrow. Hell, start Saturday. Just start soon. You owe it to yourself. It pains me to know there are people out there, who feel as sick as I felt. You can get better.

Oh, and sorry one more thing- I'm so grateful to every person who has been with or alongside me in this journey. I'm thankful for those who checked in on me on weigh-in days, those who walked at a pretty slow pace to stay with me on hikes, and those who have always treated me as if I were human, even though I felt far from it. You can be that help to someone. It goes a long ass way. A good friend of mine recently wrote me a very moving email. Among other things, she mentioned how she likes that she's seen me on the other side of the camera recently. Honestly, for years, I hated to have my picture taken (and still don't really love it). I would even think about how I was going to die (surely from weight related issues) and my kids would have hardly any pictures of me. So...I had a co-worker take these of me today. I don't even know if I could do a before and after-as I really didn't have many photos in recent years. It took a lot for me to not suck in for these pics- but here's for you my friend. Oh, and the coworker insisted I turn around, so I would have a picture of my ass. lol. You may as well see that, too. Ha. Your eyes, your eyes, I know they're burning :)

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This cartoon reminds me of the book, Eat, Pray, Love where Elizabeth Gilbert wrote about trying to quiet her mind while meditating. Here she was in the middle of nowhere....the place where everyone claims to find the inner peace, and her mind was screaming at her. I could/and can related all too well. I've tried so hard to quiet my mind, that I think my brain just scoffs at me each time, oh you're trying this again... For quite some time, my brain would leave me alone in the middle of the night, but for whatever reason, it has decided that's when it will now be most awake. Even in my space, my church-hiking, my brain will sometimes be the loudest thing in the forest. Why now? I don't know, but maybe the key is to quit fighting it. Maybe it will just go away if I don't acknowledge this voice, that tries to solve issues in which I have no control, or dwells on the injustices of the world and haunts my thoughts. I wish I were the only one with this issue, but I know many of you can relate as well. 

All that said, the last blog was heavy. It was something I wish I never felt a need to write about. I don't regret it, though. If this blog has taught me anything, is that even when I feel completely alone in some of these thoughts-I'm not. This platform has allowed me to really get to know some of you. I'm grateful for it.

I'm proud of myself making myself go on the trip to CO. I knew I was down a hole, and I was doing what I could to climb out of it. Going to CO was the best thing I could've done. It was a short quick, but as always, we made the most of it. We got some serious hiking in, and it was really wonderful to share my new passion with Amy. As I think back on our many trips, visits, I don't think they've ever centered around being physically active. She is very athletic, so I'm sure I was the reason we didn't get out and do things like hiking before. I must say, we have always been on the go, though. Anyway, it was a fantastic feeling to plan our days around being active. We always like to try new "firsts" and this weekend was full of many firsts for me. I'm really blessed to have someone like her in my life, who stands beside me, even when I don't feel deserving of that kind of unconditional friendship.

​I was quite frustrated to gain weight on this trip. I think it's around 1 1/2-2 pounds. We climbed the shit out of some big, red rocks, and really didn't eat too much. Admittedly, there were a lot of extra calories with drinking, but I did limit it to Michelob Ultra and red wine. More than anything, when I change up my diet, my body fights me in a big way. If I go off my routine, the pooping schedule gets all screwed up. I'm still dealing with it. 

You would think this weight gain, would have forced my ass to get in gear. I crushed it yesterday, but today we had a work luncheon. I ate a brat. I didn't eat any of the cookies, but a brat was not a good choice, although better than a giant burger, I knew. If that was it, I wouldn't beat myself up too much. Ah, but I had therapy after work, and knew I wouldn't have time to cook dinner for the boys before their activities tonight. This led me to pick up KFC for the boys. I didn't plan on having any, but you know...I had a plate. I wish I could trust myself to know I will turn it around tomorrow and the next day and the next day, but they are already going to be tough days with previous commitments. Food, drink will be everywhere. I'm feeling the pressure, because next Wed is my one year anniversary of starting the place I weigh in at. I do not want to go into next week having gained...esp two weeks in a row, since I haven't done that in the past year. I feel a real responsibility to myself to make this next week great, and I know it's going to be a tough one.

In my head, I've written all sorts of things about how much I love Tom Petty. I'm forever bummed, that I had stupid inventory at work and couldn't go see him at Wrigley Field this summer. It pissed me off then, and even more now. I cried when I heard the news and again when listening to one of his promos on the Tom Petty Sirius channel the next morning. On Facebook, I've seen so many posts about their fave TP song. I really can't pick one. I guess it would be a tie for about 7 or so. So many songs speak to me in the most intimate of ways. He could make you laugh, feel angry, heartbroken, empowered, resentful. The list goes on and on. I had dinner with a friend the other night, who was one of the people who text me when he died. I told her, I learned my lesson about missing out on shows and I'd decided I wasn't going to miss Bob Seger in Chicago. She asked when it was, so I googled it, only to find Bob had cancelled the remainder of his tour just two hours earlier, due to vertebrae issues. She insisted I put down my phone and not try to go to anymore concerts. Ha! All I can say, is I hope someone is looking out for Chris Stapleton tomorrow night. j/k -he's probably fine since I've had the ticket for a while. Anyway, I'll leave you with a song I love not only for the brilliant lyrics that cut you from one side to the other (which TP wrote) but for the fact that he reluctantly agreed to give it to Stevie for her album. The two together is a special kind of magic.

BTW, I have had the house to myself for an hour now (but not much longer). I needed this and am unapologetic to the 100 cals worth of red wine I'm drinking right now. Cheers! I hope the day/week find you doing the things that get you where you want to be.

Oh- I did want to mention, my cousin called me a couple of weeks ago. It was out of the blue, while I was at work. She called to tell me she loved and missed me and was thinking of me. It really was the sweetest call, and it really made my day. Be that person-be the one who makes that gesture. It goes a long way.

~Jen
And why do food and drinks have to have calories? Such bullshit.