I love this pic for a few different reasons. Goal weight is such a tough thing for me, because it seems so unattainable. Look, it's certainly more attainable than truly being "sexy as fuck." Not one time in my life, have I thought of myself as sexy. I've thought a lot of good things about myself, but sexy certainly isn't one of them. But I love the attitude in this. Rarely do I look in the mirror and like what I see. I didn't like what I saw, even when I was underweight. There's something wonderful that seems to be coming with age, though: I'm getting more comfortable with my appearance. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see myself at my heaviest, while others, I see someone who is probably thinner than I am now. I still have a long way to go, but I like that I'm seeing a glimmer of something-a comfortableness I guess. 

I did not do a good job of meal planning this week. The boys had me running ragged, and I was totally out of my element. I did not turn to fast food, though. I made it work. I made some really great decisions and some decisions to not eat, because there weren't any healthy options. There were a couple of days when I didn't eat as much as I should. This is a totally foreign concept to me. I felt hungry, a lot. If I prepared and filled up on the right stuff, I wouldn't have felt so hungry. I need to do better this next week. 

I dropped good weight early in the week, but I haven't lost an ounce since Sunday morning. I was so excited when I weighed in on Sunday, thinking I would surely make it to the next ten. As it turned out, I was 3 ounces short of hitting that number. I was quite frustrated and took it pretty hard. In true Jen fashion, I dropped the F bomb many times. The gal I weigh in with then had to spend the rest of the session trying to talk me off the ledge. I did lose 2 pounds 2 ounces, which I know is good-just didn't feel good enough. I was excited to get to this next ten. It's been a while since I've been there. It was completely disappointing to have worked so hard only to fall short. I was pretty rattled when I left and wasn't sure if I could get past it today. A friend then made a comment about how we started this together. It took me back to October (but it feels like so much longer ago), and our meal trading. It made me realize just how far I've come, mentally and re-educating myself on food. I wish I could be writing tonight talking about making to that next ten today...and in one more pound would be fifty pounds since October....and 2 more pounds would be 80 overall...but I didn't quite hit those goals-but it's okay. If you were to tell me in October, I'd be down 49 pounds between then and March, I would be ecstatic. While, I am not as happy as I should be-I'll take it. I've earned this shit. There's a lot to be proud of. 

This last couple of months have been really hard for me in some ways. I've gone through more than I could've ever saw coming, but I'm grateful that I didn't allow food to beat me, too. I feel beaten down in other ways, but right now, I'm beating food. I call that a victory. 

Brian and Caleb are heading to Portland tomorrow. They will be gone until Tuesday. I'm thrilled they are able to get out there for Gram's 90th birthday. I wish Ryne and I could be there, too, but it's baseball season for Ryne. He would've missed 5 games. I've definitely been missing the shit out of friends and family lately. Not going on this trip, has really hammered that home, as well. My mom and sisters (along with a ton of other people) are going home to Alaska for the 4th of July. I hadn't really given much thought to going until the past couple of days. I've heard from some people who have been trying to talk me into going. I would not be thrilled about going up there alone, but that would really be the only option. Idk...I might be nuts, but I'm really thinking about it. Plus, I would get to see Caity's baby. It's killing me I haven't seen her yet. Boy, living out here just makes travel so tough. I wouldn't even be able to get to Wrangell in one day. Big sigh. We shall see.

I hope this Hump Day has treated you well. I know life isn't always easy, but it is what we make of it. I pray you're able to make it fucking awesome. You deserve it.

I'll leave you with a song I heard the other day. It brought me back and reminded me of my Mom liking this song. She was into country music, so it wasn't often she liked the same music as me. There are a few she liked, that still remind me of her. Anyway, I can't let anything Break my Stride. God love the 80's.

​~Jen

I'm greeted by one of the guys in the shop every Wednesday with some sort of, "Happy Hump Day," shout. Sometimes he has some whole rap to go with it, other days it's this great smile that screams, you know what that means. It's so silly, but that kid makes me look forward to Wednesdays. Today was no exception. In case you haven't heard it yet, Happy Hump Day!

This week, in terms of weight loss was an exceptionally tough one. I put my body to the test. Thursday was the first day of March Madness, so Brian and I went to a sports bar to watch Saint Mary's play (my friend Dale's son, starts for them). We have a newer sports bar here in town, and we really couldn't ask for a better set up. I had a chicken sandwich. I can't remember the last time I ate something fried and this sucker was big-and delish. I washed it down with a bottle of wine...I mean...it's March Madness. I was worried about my stomach not tolerating beer, plus, I love wine. Friday, was St. Patrick's day. Of course, this meant incorporating corned beef into my day. I had corned beef hash with two eggs and toast for lunch. Okay, that's forgivable, but then I met a friend for dinner. I had some Thai food and a bottle of wine.... Big sigh, I know, not a good couple of days. Oh, if I'd only stopped there. Saturday started good, with buying some new workout stuff and bras. I've gone down over a cup size. I miss my boobs already, but I must confess-it's great to have bras that fit. I could probably even go to the half size, but I'll wait a month or so on that. My friend met me for shopping and then we had lunch plans. We had a wonderful lunch with some smart choices (kale salad included) and shared a bottle of wine... That should've been the end of it, but we were having such a great time, we decided to go to a bar to watch the Zags play. Honestly, even though we were right in front of a t.v., we were mostly just chatting and drinking...wine.... Before I knew it, she said, I bet we end up at that Miranda Lambert concert tonight. Sure as shit, we did. The drinking continued, including hard alcohol. We drank like we were in Vegas or something. I honestly can't remember the last time I drank that much. My rule of thumb is to not eat past 6:00. Saturday, we were at Old Chicago eating nachos and some bread thing filled with cheese and sausage-at midnight. I can't even imagine how many calories I consumed that day. Thank God, I at least got some walking in that morning. Saturday was certainly not a smart move. I love a little buzz, but I hate to be drunk. I truly do. But I think I needed that day. Actually, we both did. It was a really fun day, and I'm glad we got stuff out of our system.

I woke up Sunday morning feeling God awful about all of the excess of the day before, but I held my commitment to go hiking with a friend that morning. I felt like dung and when we set out, I wasn't convinced I wouldn't shit my pants-but thankfully it all worked out. The hike and conversation were great, but when we were done, I knew my back wasn't right. It got worse as the day went on and now is the reason I'm writing, while I should be at aqua aerobics class. It's killing me to miss it...

I'm in my third week of physical therapy for my back. It had been feeling better until the hike. My back was too messed up to do much in p/t yesterday, but his goal for the day was to try and get the knots out of my back and calm down the muscles. I messed up the two largest muscles in the body this time, so I'm hurting from my butt up to my upper back/shoulder. The p/t hooked up this pulsating thing they do to relax the muscles and then said he was going to try and work out the knots. It wasn't massage, but similar in a crazy painful kind of way. It was a bit weird in that I wouldn't expect a p/t to be massaging my butt. He was respectful, but it all felt so off. He would tell me what he was doing, and I'm someone who isn't really even bothered by pap smears, so I told him I was okay. The pain went up the my back and while he was working on the back, he unbuttoned my bra-without telling me first. That freaked me out.... When he finished he hooked the bra back up, which I didn't understand, as I'm capable of hooking my own bra. He made a comment about sorry for his fumbling he was "no Arthur Fonzarelli." Now, I was officially freaked out. There were a couple other unnerving things, but that's the worst of it. I'm sure it was all on the up and up, but I've never had that this isn't right feeling before in a medical setting. The good news is, my back felt better for a few hours after. The bad new is, my back is still in bad shape, so it will probably be more of the same at p/t tomorrow. I probably wouldn't have thought much about it if it were a woman, which I know isn't fair. I haven't ruled out asking for another p/t, though. There is a woman in the office. I started with her, but they have an open schedule, so I never know which one I'm going to get. Ugh.

I've worked hard to undo the damage I did over those three days. I haven't actually counted calories in an official way since my second month on this, but I have a good estimate in my head of what I do eat. I just got too crazy about the actual numbers, that it wasn't a healthy thing for me to focus on. I know how to eat right, and that's what I try to stick to. I'm sure I was under my calorie allowance Sun-today, though. (which is 1400-1500 cals/day). I weighed in today with a 1 pound 2 oz loss. I'll take it, with a smile! I worked for that...because God knows what kind of calorie intake I had on Sat. These next twenty pounds are going to be big for me. I would like to lose 50 from where I'm at now, but I know my body should make some huge changes with this 20. I'm looking forward to it.

Oh, when I bought the bras, I also bought a new swimsuit. It was nice to just buy an XL, and not have to go to a special section to buy it. As I was looking at them, this woman commented how great this particular one looked on. I took her advice, tried it on and liked it, too. The top was tied was too tight when I tried it on, though. I loosened it up for my class on Monday (I shouldn't have done the class-but thought it would help loosen my back-bad call), and this suit is split in between the boobs. I looked like fucking J Lo at the Grammys in that suit. Fuck. I didn't realize it until I was already at the class. It would open up with every movement. My friend told me you couldn't see anything, but I don't know. I was so uncomfortable the whole class. I'm not happy about paying that much for a suit I won't ever wear to the class again, but maybe it can be a hot tub thing at home (I think I have the hubby talked into getting a hot tub this summer). I tell you what, it's a shock I show up to the class 2x a week. I embarrass the shit out of myself with something new every time, whether it be the split sweatshirt, not thinking and bending over when I was naked in the locker room in front of someone, etc. Dude, it seriously is something every class. I wouldn't be surprised if they think I'm a challenged individual.

I'll leave you with a couple of rules I've tried to live by the last several months: no eating after 6 (unless fucked up), no mayo, try to have a salad every day-even if not focus of meal, and remembering that I'm human. I make tons of poor decisions, but I give myself a break-a completely foreign concept to me. I mean, I did have a meltdown in therapy last week and look up to find my therapist crying. Nobody can be harder on me, than me. Just wanted to pass along a few things that help keep me on track.

I'll leave you with a song that someone close to me sent me today. Listening to the lyrics, I don't know if it's because she related to it, thought I could or both. I do like it. I think you will, too.

Once again, happy Hump Day all.

Jen

Happy Hump Day, or should I say, Happy March Madness Eve?! Most weeks I think Wednesday is actually Thursday and then throw a mini tantrum once I realize...it's only Wed. I thought today was Tuesday. I did a little happy dance, when it was pointed out to me I had the wrong day. This week has flown by. Here was are, March Madness Eve, and I haven't even filled out a bracket. This is probably the first year in my working life, that co-workers aren't doing some sort of bracket challenge. I guess it just goes along with all of the changes that have been made to the company I work for over the past many months. The guy who ran our pool had been let go. Big sigh. I will be doing a bracket with the bff, though. I guess it's good that I'm only doing one bracket. That's one more game than I've watched all year. Of course, I have every confidence that I'll kick ass ;)

Today I've been thinking a lot about non-scale victories. I hadn't been able to wear my wedding ring in quite some time. I was able to put it on a couple of weeks ago. It was a wonderful feeling. A feeling I sat with, keeping it to myself. It's funny how this weight loss journey has worked. Obviously, I write about it. I put a lot out there, but this journey has been incredibly personal. I have shouted some victories from the roof tops, while most I keep to myself. It's almost as if I've opened a gift, that only I know exists. I love this feeling. I took the boys bowling this weekend. A gal in the lane next to us offered to take a picture. It's been a long time since I've taken a photo with the kids. I don't like pictures of myself....sometimes I can live with a selfie because you can get the angle just right, change the coloring, etc. I actually didn't like myself in the picture. I just saw the weight. It wasn't hidden. I did love the fact that both boys were smiling, and that we were having a great time together. I posted the photo on Facebook. To me...another non-scale victory. It may not make sense to you, but I know there's no way I would've posted that five months ago. I still see the fat...I have a very long way to go, but I'm more comfortable with myself at this moment in time. The scale didn't give that to me. Doing right by myself gave that to me. 

Speaking of the scale.....today was weigh-in day. I have to admit: this has been the hardest week I've had since I started this journey. My mind has been doing a number on me. I'm craving just about everything. I don't know that I ate as much as I should've this week. I constantly felt hungry. Maybe I just didn't eat the right things. The cravings certainly could be because of this. At first, I thought it was because my stomach was feeling better than it had (not sure if it's the medication or what), that the hunger was a natural feeling. Anyway, whatever it was/is, it has been tough. I didn't give in to any of my cravings, though. I do know going into this next week, I need to do a better job of meal planning. All that said, I was down nearly two pounds. 

Speaking of cravings...I do know this, I will be drinking some beer and have some appetizers during March Madness, and I will be eating a reuben on St. Patrick's Day. I'm far from perfect all the time, but the balance has been my saving grace. Tonight was a good example. An old-coworker came out tonight. I met up with them for a little big. I drank water. I had aqua aerobics later tonight, so I certainly wasn't going to drink. Those guys can put the pressure on. I sure did want to drink. I knew it would be stupid, though. It would defeat the purpose of the class tonight. If I drank beer for an hour, I wouldn't burn those calories during my one hour class. Not worth it. Plus, I knew I was going to be bad the next two days. haha I spent the whole night thinking about the fun I missed out on tonight, until I got in the pool. I felt great about the decision to choose health. I've chosen the unhealthy path so many times. It's high time I made the healthy choice the norm. It was really great to see him, even with water. He was my fitbit buddy. It was so nice to talk steps. I miss seeing him at work and him making his exaggerated motion to check his steps. It was such an awesome, healthy, friendly competition. I've been thinking about the ppl who are no longer with the company lately. I miss having a walking buddy, one friend's laugh-it was just infectious, and trading meals with another co-worker. The list goes on and on. I can get along with just about anyone, but making real connections-true friendships is not the easiest thing for me. It has been hard to lose so many of those (I mean-having it on a daily basis). I don't see work ever being the same. Everything feels so temporary lately. Anyway, I guess the lack of bracket and seeing fitbit buddy brought up those feelings. I should just feel lucky I had it as good as I did for as long as I did.

I heard this song on my drive home from class tonight. I've always loved it. Many of the lyrics don't match the experiences of my closest childhood friends, but the spirit of the song reads true. It made me think of the Wrangell girls. God love K.T. Oslin.

Whatever your goal for tomorrow may be, give it your best. That's all we can do with each day. Reach for your stars. You won't ever be disappointed.

Have a wonderful night,

Jen

The water aerobics class I'm taking meets twice a week. We just finished Week 2 last night. I make myself go, all the while kicking and screaming, because I just want to stay home. The class doesn't start until 7:15, so by the time I get done with work, the drive, run errands, make dinner, etc., I just want to relax. A funny thing happens, though once the class starts-I fucking love it. I love every minute of it. I feel alive even if the day feels it has taken the life out of me. If you know me at all, you know I'm a competitive person. No, not the kind of healthy competitive spirit-the embarrassing kind. I like that I have it to a certain extent, but I must admit, it's always been too much. I'm really not sure how Brian decided to marry me after playing racquetball with me our first year together. I broke his $300 racquet by slamming it against the wall after I missed a point. He walked off the court. Yeah, that's me. I must confess this class is different, though. Something inside of me has changed. Maybe I was forced to change, given I'm certainly no longer the athlete I was for a brief window of time. I'm not sure...maybe I finally grew up. When I'm in the class, I pay attention to nobody. I have no idea how quickly anyone is doing anything or if they are using heavier weights than me. I just know, I push myself as much as I can. Okay...full disclosure...this means going from the 4 lb weights I started with the first week, to five pound weights the second week. It's nothing to brag about, but I feel it. My shoulders are sore just thinking about it. We run in place for two minutes and I nearly shut my eyes and go as hard as I can. My only competition is me. I want to do the best I can, the best my body will allow me to do. Everything about this class, is me going out of my comfort zone, but I couldn't have done anything better for myself. If you're considering putting yourself out there, hesitate no more. You will thank yourself.

The weigh-in was good this week. I lost 2 1/2 pounds. My stomach is jacked up, so I haven't been as hungry as I normally am, but I still made good choices. I've wanted a burger. I've wanted the fresh cookies sitting on my counter. I've wanted pizza. Still, I know every choice I make matters. I can do those things in moderation, but I've chosen to give a lot of thought to everything I've put in my body. The gal I weigh in with couldn't be more complimentary. She told me this week, that she tells other clients about me. That's really cool to hear. It's hard to believe that about myself, but I'm working on that. I would love to lead by example, because this is no bullshit...some of you have been with me for years on this....if I can do it, ANYONE can do it. I can't stress this enough. I don't know why it really stuck this time. I think I just got sick of feeling sick....my weight was affecting everything. I've said this before: I wasn't really ready to start. My head wasn't in that place, but I did it anyway. I think of the eating changes I make the first few weeks and know the food choices weren't really all that great, but they were better than what I was doing before. It just kept getting better until I got to a place that I feel pretty good about most of my days. If you're thinking about making changes...just do it. You really have nothing to lose (except the weight ;)

Okay, back to my stomach. I finally figured out that it's not anxiety that I've been feeling. Anxiety is something that doesn't last long for me, and this stomach thing has been constant. I got measured yesterday and my stomach hadn't gone down at all, which Jessica couldn't believe, given my weight loss (we hadn't measured in months). Where she measure the stomach is rock hard (upper stomach-where I'm having the issue). It's sticking out, and it was finally the thing (and my friend) that got me to realize this is a real, physical thing, not just a manifestation of pain. I'm really glad I went to the Dr this morning, because today has been the worst day, yet, for my stomach. The pain was excruciating this morning when I took my vitamins. I went to the appointment thinking it was an ulcer, but Dr wasn't really sure-could be a few things. Hopefully tomorrow he'll have the results of my lab work, and we can get to work on making it better. He did give me a prescription to help with the tummy until we know exactly what we're dealing with. Here's hoping tomorrow is the day it starts to get better!

I rec'd the nicest text today. My Auntie had the sweetest thing to say and followed it up with something even sweeter. She actually made me cry. It's amazing how much a difference something like that can make in your day. I've been thinking about that saying today, "In a world where you can be anything, be kind." Let's be those people. It costs you nothing. 

I leave this blog today feeling especially grateful for my family, a best friend who forces me to come out of my hiding place, even when it's the last thing I want to do, and for Ed Sheeran. I mean, Ed...he makes life worth living. Here's his latest song, and it's just plain fun. The video is awesome, too. Enjoy #iloveyouedsheeran

Have a wonderful night.

~Jen

​

It has been quite the week leading up to today's weigh in. It has been the kind of week that could have gone a lot of directions. I knew this, and I kept a close eye on everything I ate. Anxiety has swallowed me whole this week. I have been unable to deal with something, and I have let it kick my ass. I can't remember the last time I had anxiety for this many days in a row. This time, it has gone between my chest and stomach. Having it in my stomach is definitely not my norm. I have always been someone who gains weight when dealing with emotional situations. I've found comfort from food for most of my adult life. It's a conscious thing. Food would soothe me, and I love the feeling of being full. People always talk about the guilt they would feel after emotional eating. I rarely had it. I was just glad trusty food was there to do its job. So, here I am...unable to use my trusted coping mechanism this time around. I've had my moments of hiding under the covers, getting lost in t.v., making myself unavailable, but for each of those moments-I've balanced myself out. When binge watching t.v., I would get up and work on projects during the commercials (paused t.v.). I worked on something in the basement that required me to make many trips up and down the stairs. I went to dinner with a friend, when all I wanted was to be alone. I was glad I did. When I felt like I could go to sleep as soon as I got home on Monday, I walked Jesse and hit 11,000 steps.  I then went to my first aqua aerobics class (more on that later...). I thought about running to food many times this week, but I refuse to let food beat me. I can't control some of the feeling I'm going through right now, but I can control what I eat. I have eaten 3 meals everyday, but I have often forgotten my snack (which is nearly unimaginable to me). Sometimes the anxiety makes me feel sick to my stomach, and food sounds unappealing to me. Still, I had my meals. I made sure to have my smoothie (or if no time-banana) for breakfast. I've had a salad with each lunch, and I've gone high fiber at dinner. I haven't had any wine since my trip. I'm explaining all of this so you know that I'm aware of how my 5 lb 4 oz weight loss came about. It's about a pound higher than any of my other weigh-ins, since I started weighing in weekly, 17 weeks ago. I'm at 41 pounds lost in those 17 weeks. So, I was quite surprised by my loss this week, but I will gladly take it. I have gained weight due to emotional things for far too long. The cycle needed to break. It's been an intersting 17 weeks for a lot of reasons. The first week, things happened that I couldn't make up if I tried. True WTF stuff. Instead of giving up, I begrudgingly kept going. I didn't feel really ready to start at the time, either. I'm sharing this all with you, because I want you to know-you can start anytime. Even if you're shaken and dealing with anxiety-you can start. I'd rather be this way, losing weight, than gaining. 

I went so far out of my comfort zone in doing the aqua aerobics class. First, I certainly don't want to be in a swimsuit in front of anyone. Secondly, I was nervous....I haven't done any sort of class in a very long time. I was super fortunate in that I met another gal there at the beginning of the class. It was her first one, too, and she was also feeling out of her element. She is in weight loss mode, and is down 40 pounds. I feel good about going through the class with her. Anyway, my plan was just to put on my sweatshirt and sweat capris over my suit when we were done, since I don't have a far drive home. My suit was awfully wet, so I decided to go without underwear or bra and just throw on my sweatshirt and sweats. The sweatshirt is probably 15 years old, but it's one of my favorites. One of my friend's even fixed the zipper for me a few years ago. Anyway, my new friend and I walked out together (she had also decided to go braless and we laughed about how silly we were). We passed one woman who kind of gave a weird look. We stopped and talked to another who had taken the class, on our way out. We were nearly to the doors to get out, when I looked down and noticed the zipper on the sweatshirt had split and was only zipped in one small area. Thankfully, it was in the boob area, but the sweatshirt was showing all of my stomach and upper area....yeah...that happened. The new friend couldn't quit laughing. Of all the luck! I text a pic of it to the bff when I got home and she died laughing. Anyway, tonight I'll wear a hoodie. No more zip ups!

I hope this night finds you well. If you're struggling right now, just know it will get better. I know it will. I know it will for myself, too. I'm off to take my mind off of things, and at the same time, get in a workout. Happy Hump Day!

​Jen