It’s funny how the term, “what a difference a day makes,” is so often true.  Last weekend was fantastic.  I had dinner with a close friend Friday and then good quality family time afterward.  Saturday I spent some much needed time alone, before heading out for the evening for Air Supply.  I had zero expectation from that show.  If I learned anything from seeing Gordon Lightfoot in concert, it’s not to expect too much from some of the greats, when it’s well after their prime.  I’ll always be glad I saw GL, but it really wasn’t much of a show.  So, my bar is usually low for these things.  I loved the heck out of Kris Kristofferson, even as he was off tempo.  I mean, it’s Kris!  Going into these shows with no expectations, usually works to my benefit.  But Air Supply, they fucking rocked it.  It was a really fun and great show.  My friend and I had a blast!  Sunday was the laziest day I’ve had in a long time, and I loved every moment of it.  Brian and I watched about ten straight episodes of Flip or Flop.  I had 1600 steps on the fitbit when I went to bed, and I couldn’t have been more proud.  I loved the heck out of a lazy day!

First thing Monday morning, I got the corporate email that there was an “all-employee meeting.”  Immediately my stomach was in knots, before really trying to look at things matter of factly.  We have picked up some decent orders the past couple of weeks.  I really was hoping it was going to be a Raw-Raw meeting, as the spirits around here have been so down.  Quickly I knew that wasn’t going to be the case.  For an hour, my stomach was flipping all over the place.  It was funny, not for a moment was I worried about my own job, but I thought of my coworkers.  We have such a great relationship, and I feel so maternal toward some of them.  This is third round of layoffs I’ve been through in the last year and a half I’ve worked here.  After the last one, one thing was clear: it’s hard to put your finger on who will be the ones to go.  The morning brought forth news that I never saw coming in a million years…  The friend I go to all of the concerts with (including my beloved Air Supply) was on this cut list.  I’d always told her that she’d be the last to go.  I mean, she is the H.R. manager.  Somebody has to help all of the people who have lost their jobs, with all of the paperwork, etc.  But no….apparently our company is going to go without an H.R. department.  Honestly, that’s something I’ve never heard of (especially with a co of this size).  The H.R. responsibilities will be dispersed amongst the accounting department.  You know how incredibly fat I am, but you could’ve blown me over with a feather.  The feedback, or I should I say,  anger, I’ve heard about this from coworkers has been crazy.  Everyone is in shock.  I’m still in shock, but mostly sad.  I’m of course very sad on a personal level.  She’s the one I spend more time with than anyone.  But I’m also very sad that I work somewhere that I can’t rely on.  Everyone is looking over their shoulder, all of the time.  I have one friend here, who is the most positive person you’d ever know.  She cried on her way into work yesterday, as she didn’t want to come in.  This is someone who has looked forward to being here.  I’m sad that the dynamics we have, which have already been greatly affected by previous layoffs will likely no longer be recognizable.  For now, I have a paycheck.  I’ll think of that every day.  Just like with most of you: it’s why I work.  This is far from my dream job, but I couldn’t ask to work with a better group of people… I just couldn’t.

Monday also brought news about my close friend/coworker and his surgery.  He only had a days notice that his surgery would be the following day.  He was pretty rattled, as the surgery was going to entail a lot more than they’d ever described to him.  His surgery was last night.  It sounds like he came through it good, but he was in a tremendous amount of pain last night.  We are waiting for more updates today.  So, if you have a moment, please ask God to continue to watch over “White 5.”  God will see the humor in it, too ;)  When we get the word that he is doing good, we will send “Congratulations it’s a girl!” balloons and flowers.  After all, we have to keep in tradition of the birthday card to the friend in mourning spirit.  Like I said, my coworkers are the best and simply have a fantastic sense of humor.

So, the past couple of days have been overwhelming, so I like to think back to my weekend.  It really was a perfect weekend.  It’s my place right now, as I sit here nervously worrying about my friend after his surgery and have concern to my good friend and the fact that she’ll be leaving us. 
I’ll leave you with a song by one of my new favorites.  I’m way late to the game I know, but a couple of my coworkers got me into her (including the one who just had surgery).  I love this song.
-And all of my friends who think I’m blessed.  They don’t know my head is a mess.

Jen

I'm definitely behind the eight ball on getting some graduation  and birthday cards out this year.   I've been hit and miss, but hopefully this week I'll catch up on everything.  I thought you might enjoy this card from the bff's son.  It's the greatest thing I've ever seen.  He's such an awesome kid.  

In the age of texting, Facebook and all sorts of other apps/programs I have no idea about, I still love the idea of a real letter or card.  It's a sure sign of my age, that's for sure.  I have this friend that would send me a birthday card every year (even when we lived in the same town), and she would always have it timed perfectly to arrive the day before my birthday.  I'd purposely not check the mail that day, so that the morning of my birthday I could grab it out of my mailbox.  Those things happen less and less, the older we get.  We get busy with life.  We get so busy, we can't see straight sometimes.  So, we find it equally as nice in our busy lives, when we turn on the phone the morning of our birthday or some other event, and there's a text from those same people who were card people before.  I too, have turned into one of those text people, but there's still this girl inside me that desperately wants to be the card person.  I have to make notes to myself to remind myself to do it, but when it happens, I'm so glad I took the time to do it.  It also reminds me of just how awful my handwriting has become.  The cards I wrote this week, look like that of a ransom note.

The mother of a childhood friend passed away recently.  I haven't seen her in ages, but there's this connection and bond between those of us that grew up on the rock.  She reached out to a mutual friend, who let several of us girls know what had happened.  We had a group message going, and it was so very sweet.  We all have so much love for one another.  We were all given our childhood friend's address, so that we might send a condolence card.  I thought about it for a couple of days.  I can't imagine losing my mother.  Like, I really can't even put the thought in my head.  So, when that tragedy happens to someone, I never know what words to say.  I knew the only day I'd have to get a card out was Thursday, as the boys schedules were brutal this week.  Brian was off that day, so he could get Cal to the game, which bought me a little time.  I ran to Walmart to pick up a few things and grab a birthday card for my sister and a card for my old friend.  I got to the post office just before it was to close, so I had to write out my friend's card pretty quickly.  I had been thinking of what I wanted to say for a couple of days, so it just poured out of me.  I was lucky enough to buy some stamps and get it mailed off, even as the post office closed while I was in there.  The night continued to be hurried until I got home late that night.  Yesterday morning, I grabbed my sister's card so I could fill it out (she hadn't gotten back to me with her new address yet).  I picked up the card....Which read on the front, "With Deepest Sympathy...."  Yes, I mailed a fucking birthday card to my friend who just lost her mother.  WTF?!  The cards must've looked similar on the front, but honestly I don't know how in the fuck that could've happened.   I've never felt so small, as when I realized what I'd done.  I'll message her to let her know there had been a mistake and to give her a heads up and apology.  Idk.  But as I told the story at lunch yesterday, my friend said, "only you could do that."  And she's right.  Only I could do that...  I really, really need to work on taking my time on things.  The work week just seems so busy all the time.  I simply can't have things like that happen.  I just can't.  I've got to relax a bit during the week.  I really do.

The card snafu brought a lot of well deserved ribbing from my lunch cohorts.  Someone asked if I were going to send balloons to the funeral instead of flowers.  The conversation turned into what my funeral will look like.  Now, it will look like a birthday party, which thrills me to death (no pun intended).  I've always hoped that when the time happens it can really just be some celebration of life.  The celebration of someone who really tried to see the good, the humor in everything.  I told them in lieu of a will, I will just start wrapping my belongings, and they can open them like birthday gifts.  One friend called my fancy slippers.  I love it, since I have giant feet, and I refer to her as "the little one."  So, if I ever end up murdered, check her closet.  They are nice slippers.  Of course, I push her buttons so much, that one day it might be just that, that puts her over the edge.  haha.

After a hectic week, it's been great to sit here and write this morning.  Caleb spent the night out, Brian is at work, and Ryne is sleeping.  I made a chocolate smoothie this morning (I think I have the recipe on here-so good), am listening to some Air Supply right now, have a candle going, and the windows open.  It's a great morning.  It's the kind of morning one needs, after they are so hurried
they send a birthday card to someone who is in mourning.  

I have nearly 5 hours before we leave for the Air Supply concert.  I plan on enjoying every last minute of the quiet (before the older boy gets up and the other returns).  It should be a fun night with a good friend, listening to great music.  Also, Jesse gets to have her bff over while we are gone.  I so love watching those dogs play together.  It just might be my favorite thing.  I hope the day finds you well and able to appreciate everything about it.  Right now, the sun is out here in the middle of nowhere, and the birds are singing.  I'll take it.

Have a wonderful weekend

~Jen

The Fourth of July holiday has come and gone.  If I’m not going back to Alaska for the holiday, I’m usually full of anxiety the entire week.  I was spoiled beyond words by growing up in Wrangell and what the 4th brings to the town.  It’s something straight out of a movie.  Kids are laughing, playing every carnival game, running every race, finding a way to be in all of the egg tossing events.  The list really goes on and on of what’s available for kids and adults alike.  Every event is offered to every age group.  I’ve loved the pictures of seeing my friends and family in these events this year.  It seems like my favorite picture is always someone midair doing the potato sack race, this year was no exception.  The look of happiness on my cousin Holley and my Aunt Fern’s faces as they’re doing the three legged race in a potato sack is fantastic (see above).  So, I mentally prepared myself to go through my usual depression/sadness the week of the 4th.  I even damn near talked myself into flying up there last minute.  This year was different, though.  I’m not sure why.  I was busy, as I usually try to keep myself during this holiday, but I don’t know…maybe at forty four years old, I’ve finally grown up and accepted that I can’t be home every year.  Me, grow up?  That’s a stretch, but it’s all I can really figure.  Every day I thought about what was going on: from the salmon bake on the 1st, to the boys could’ve been in the scrap fish derby on the 2nd; to the Queen coronation on the 3rd (btw my cousin’s step-daughter totally rocked it and came in second place.  It was a record year!), to getting a Bloody Mary before the parade on the 4th and making an entire day out of partying, playing, and visiting so many people I love, to finally the 5th of July where we’d go up the river and drink beer all day, after swearing that very morning we’d never drink again.  Yes, I thought it all through. I knew what I was missing.  Maybe that’s part of the reason I drank so much on the 1st here, in the middle of the United States, so far from home.  I thought it was all about the stress at work and celebrating a coworker’s birthday.  I mixed like a Junior High girl, and paid the price.  I did have fun, though, and I made it through the day without tears.  On the 2nd, we ventured into the city to buy a dishwasher (mine hasn’t worked, since we bought the house in Nov).  The 3rd we had friends over for a BBQ, and we spent the 4th at Wrigley Field watching the Cubs play.  We had a pretty great weekend!  Not one time, did I have tears about not being home.  I’d say that has to be a first for me.  Shit, maybe it is growth…  God knows I work hard enough on personal growth; it’d be nice to think something finally sank in.

With the uncertainty in the workplace lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes me happiest.  It’s the usual things, as it is for you…family, friends, my dog.  But if I lose my job, how could I spend my days feeling fulfilled, while making a living?  Writing certainly wouldn’t pay the bills for me (it's actually an expensive hobby), so I’ve been thinking long and hard.  I’ve been in purchasing for so long.  I haven’t loved it in a long time.  It’s hard for a person whose brain never stops, never stops writing in her head and creating,  to sit at a desk all day.  That’s reality, though.  We all have bills to pay.  I have growing boys, and that seems to bring unexpected bills every week.  I’ve got a couple of things I’m mulling over, and it’s fun to see a vision of myself who seems fulfilled at the end of each day.  A coworker/great friend and I have been discussing our futures in pretty painted detail lately.  It’s funny; I can see things and suggest things for him, much better than I can for myself.  That’s the way my head has always worked.  I wish I could see things more vividly for myself.  Maybe, that too, will come with time.

Life has been a little nuts lately, as I’m not a fan of uncertainty.  I have to say though, I realize every single day how blessed I am for so many things, even living here in the middle of nowhere right now.  I’m blessed to have a group of close friends from work, I didn’t have a year ago.  I like that I know where I’m going to be for the next six years (when Caleb graduates).  I love that my dog has a bff, and acts like a dog when she’s around her.  I fucking love that my good friend got excellent news from the Doctor yesterday. He has a health situation that could be very bad, but he has a best case scenario for his diagnosis.  I love the attitude and fight he’s brought to this, just as he does everything he’s passionate about in his life.  Really, there are so many things I’m thankful for everyday.  Although my job situation is stressing me out, I thanked God this morning, that I have a job that helps us pay our bills and provides security for my family.  I think about these things as I’m trying not to get pulled down by the uncertainties and changes that have been going on lately.  That’s all any of us can do.  We make the best out of what we have.  We do what we need to, in order to feel alive.  Today, I’m grateful for living out here, amongst people I would’ve never known.
Here’s hoping you embrace those things in your life.  Live your day like you’re Holley and Fern in that potato sack (I hope they forgive me for using their pic :)

-Oh, and as always around the 4th-here’s Shooter Jennings (Waylon’s son) with one of my all-time favorite songs.  You can see the song unfold perfectly can’t you?

Jen