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Diariesofafatass.com

Corkscrew on a twist off

7/27/2016

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The writing itch is coming back with a vengeance.  I was hoping like hell it would. I've got to get back to the book. I'm going to have to start scheduling time for it like I used to. As for the blog, writing here floats through my head every single day. It's just always a fine balance: the time, the way to put my crazy thoughts into sentences, the motivation, how much to tell.  Really, just way too many things to think about for some silly little blog. But as silly as it is, it's still good for me, for my soul.

I've written many times about the hell of my hormones when it comes to my cycle (see, clearly there isn't much of a "how much to tell" barrier there).  Three months ago, I started the pill. I hadn't been on the pill in years, and it was a hard decision to make. For a fatty, who puts any unhealthy food into her body, I'm weird about taking any sort of pill. As a whole, I honestly don't believe in most of them. As terrible as I am to my body, I still think that most things can be treated through diet. I need to listen to myself one of these days...  But even when I've had great a diet, my hormones have totally fucked me, especially this last year or so. The pill I take, only has you menstruate every three months. I'm now 4 doses into the sugar pill, and my body has been a mess the past week. My hormones have been totally out of whack once again. Even though I've still had some issues over the past three months, it's nothing like pre-pill or now. My head has been spinning. Admittedly, it's been in a pretty dark place. I've worked hard on keeping it at bay, but I haven't been too successful. Yesterday, it all came crashing down. It started as soon as I woke up, the drive in, all day at work, and it caught up with me last night. When I'm going through it, I know where it's coming from. I know a lot of it isn't real, but it still grabs hold of me tight. Thank God for the bff. After years of being on this ride with me, she knows what to say, even knowing it won't stop it. It's oddly comforting, though. Today has been much better, although still a struggle. My body still isn't doing what it's supposed to do this week. It starts, then stops. One day, hopefully it will get acclimated to this pill, but it's not there yet. Even through it all, I have to say, it's better than when I started. If I can say this in the midst of it, you know it's the real deal.

Tonight, I'm treating myself to a nice glass of wine. I was able to open this bottle without incident. The bottle I opened a few days ago....well, it's the the stuff memes are made of. It was a gift, so I wasn't used to the bottle. The foil was exceptionally thick, so I looked to make sure it wasn't a twist off. It didn't appear to be, so I took the Rabbit to it (Ladies, not a vibrator...it's the name of the wine opener I have). The corkscrew couldn't penetrate it (again, get your mind out of the gutter), so I tried to twist it off.  You guessed it, yours truly is a true moron. But the happy ending (again, geez...mind out of the gutter) is that it did open. But tonight, I went to something I knew, and am now enjoying a sweet glass of grapes. It was also nice to make dinner. I've actually been able to do it every night this week. The boys (and us) have a couple week reprieve from any sort of games. Ryne has had evening football camp, so I couldn't start the wine until after 8. I'm not always mother of the year, but I'm certainly not going to start it before I pick him up. The tragedy is, he has no idea the sacrifices I make for him. Haha! I've been spending the evening thinking just happy thoughts. This is an exercise that was down right impossible last night, but I'm thrilled it's an option tonight. My heart is happy as I think of someone I love very much, who is pregnant and I'm thrilled beyond anything. My heart is happy thinking of my friend who just had major surgery and is recovering well. Although I wish he would slow down...I really wish he would. My heart is happy thinking about the "favorite part of the day" conversation with my work friends today, and the nice things that have happened to each of them today. My heart is happy thinking about going to look at the stars tonight. They have been breathtaking all week. So, on a day, a week, that has kind of broken me...I have so many thing to be grateful for.  I will tell you the one thing I am not super happy about though, the new Ghostbusters movie. I really wanted to love it, but holy shit was it bad. If you take anything away from this blog, I hope it's that movie review. I'd love my $12.50 back, that's fo' sho'.

Enjoy those stars tonight (although I now hear thunder...shit). Hopefully, it's clear wherever you are.

~Jen
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Monday.

7/20/2016

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It’s funny how the term, “what a difference a day makes,” is so often true.  Last weekend was fantastic.  I had dinner with a close friend Friday and then good quality family time afterward.  Saturday I spent some much needed time alone, before heading out for the evening for Air Supply.  I had zero expectation from that show.  If I learned anything from seeing Gordon Lightfoot in concert, it’s not to expect too much from some of the greats, when it’s well after their prime.  I’ll always be glad I saw GL, but it really wasn’t much of a show.  So, my bar is usually low for these things.  I loved the heck out of Kris Kristofferson, even as he was off tempo.  I mean, it’s Kris!  Going into these shows with no expectations, usually works to my benefit.  But Air Supply, they fucking rocked it.  It was a really fun and great show.  My friend and I had a blast!  Sunday was the laziest day I’ve had in a long time, and I loved every moment of it.  Brian and I watched about ten straight episodes of Flip or Flop.  I had 1600 steps on the fitbit when I went to bed, and I couldn’t have been more proud.  I loved the heck out of a lazy day!

First thing Monday morning, I got the corporate email that there was an “all-employee meeting.”  Immediately my stomach was in knots, before really trying to look at things matter of factly.  We have picked up some decent orders the past couple of weeks.  I really was hoping it was going to be a Raw-Raw meeting, as the spirits around here have been so down.  Quickly I knew that wasn’t going to be the case.  For an hour, my stomach was flipping all over the place.  It was funny, not for a moment was I worried about my own job, but I thought of my coworkers.  We have such a great relationship, and I feel so maternal toward some of them.  This is third round of layoffs I’ve been through in the last year and a half I’ve worked here.  After the last one, one thing was clear: it’s hard to put your finger on who will be the ones to go.  The morning brought forth news that I never saw coming in a million years…  The friend I go to all of the concerts with (including my beloved Air Supply) was on this cut list.  I’d always told her that she’d be the last to go.  I mean, she is the H.R. manager.  Somebody has to help all of the people who have lost their jobs, with all of the paperwork, etc.  But no….apparently our company is going to go without an H.R. department.  Honestly, that’s something I’ve never heard of (especially with a co of this size).  The H.R. responsibilities will be dispersed amongst the accounting department.  You know how incredibly fat I am, but you could’ve blown me over with a feather.  The feedback, or I should I say,  anger, I’ve heard about this from coworkers has been crazy.  Everyone is in shock.  I’m still in shock, but mostly sad.  I’m of course very sad on a personal level.  She’s the one I spend more time with than anyone.  But I’m also very sad that I work somewhere that I can’t rely on.  Everyone is looking over their shoulder, all of the time.  I have one friend here, who is the most positive person you’d ever know.  She cried on her way into work yesterday, as she didn’t want to come in.  This is someone who has looked forward to being here.  I’m sad that the dynamics we have, which have already been greatly affected by previous layoffs will likely no longer be recognizable.  For now, I have a paycheck.  I’ll think of that every day.  Just like with most of you: it’s why I work.  This is far from my dream job, but I couldn’t ask to work with a better group of people… I just couldn’t.

Monday also brought news about my close friend/coworker and his surgery.  He only had a days notice that his surgery would be the following day.  He was pretty rattled, as the surgery was going to entail a lot more than they’d ever described to him.  His surgery was last night.  It sounds like he came through it good, but he was in a tremendous amount of pain last night.  We are waiting for more updates today.  So, if you have a moment, please ask God to continue to watch over “White 5.”  God will see the humor in it, too ;)  When we get the word that he is doing good, we will send “Congratulations it’s a girl!” balloons and flowers.  After all, we have to keep in tradition of the birthday card to the friend in mourning spirit.  Like I said, my coworkers are the best and simply have a fantastic sense of humor.

So, the past couple of days have been overwhelming, so I like to think back to my weekend.  It really was a perfect weekend.  It’s my place right now, as I sit here nervously worrying about my friend after his surgery and have concern to my good friend and the fact that she’ll be leaving us. 
I’ll leave you with a song by one of my new favorites.  I’m way late to the game I know, but a couple of my coworkers got me into her (including the one who just had surgery).  I love this song.
-And all of my friends who think I’m blessed.  They don’t know my head is a mess.

Jen

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The art of the card

7/16/2016

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I'm definitely behind the eight ball on getting some graduation  and birthday cards out this year.   I've been hit and miss, but hopefully this week I'll catch up on everything.  I thought you might enjoy this card from the bff's son.  It's the greatest thing I've ever seen.  He's such an awesome kid.  

In the age of texting, Facebook and all sorts of other apps/programs I have no idea about, I still love the idea of a real letter or card.  It's a sure sign of my age, that's for sure.  I have this friend that would send me a birthday card every year (even when we lived in the same town), and she would always have it timed perfectly to arrive the day before my birthday.  I'd purposely not check the mail that day, so that the morning of my birthday I could grab it out of my mailbox.  Those things happen less and less, the older we get.  We get busy with life.  We get so busy, we can't see straight sometimes.  So, we find it equally as nice in our busy lives, when we turn on the phone the morning of our birthday or some other event, and there's a text from those same people who were card people before.  I too, have turned into one of those text people, but there's still this girl inside me that desperately wants to be the card person.  I have to make notes to myself to remind myself to do it, but when it happens, I'm so glad I took the time to do it.  It also reminds me of just how awful my handwriting has become.  The cards I wrote this week, look like that of a ransom note.

The mother of a childhood friend passed away recently.  I haven't seen her in ages, but there's this connection and bond between those of us that grew up on the rock.  She reached out to a mutual friend, who let several of us girls know what had happened.  We had a group message going, and it was so very sweet.  We all have so much love for one another.  We were all given our childhood friend's address, so that we might send a condolence card.  I thought about it for a couple of days.  I can't imagine losing my mother.  Like, I really can't even put the thought in my head.  So, when that tragedy happens to someone, I never know what words to say.  I knew the only day I'd have to get a card out was Thursday, as the boys schedules were brutal this week.  Brian was off that day, so he could get Cal to the game, which bought me a little time.  I ran to Walmart to pick up a few things and grab a birthday card for my sister and a card for my old friend.  I got to the post office just before it was to close, so I had to write out my friend's card pretty quickly.  I had been thinking of what I wanted to say for a couple of days, so it just poured out of me.  I was lucky enough to buy some stamps and get it mailed off, even as the post office closed while I was in there.  The night continued to be hurried until I got home late that night.  Yesterday morning, I grabbed my sister's card so I could fill it out (she hadn't gotten back to me with her new address yet).  I picked up the card....Which read on the front, "With Deepest Sympathy...."  Yes, I mailed a fucking birthday card to my friend who just lost her mother.  WTF?!  The cards must've looked similar on the front, but honestly I don't know how in the fuck that could've happened.   I've never felt so small, as when I realized what I'd done.  I'll message her to let her know there had been a mistake and to give her a heads up and apology.  Idk.  But as I told the story at lunch yesterday, my friend said, "only you could do that."  And she's right.  Only I could do that...  I really, really need to work on taking my time on things.  The work week just seems so busy all the time.  I simply can't have things like that happen.  I just can't.  I've got to relax a bit during the week.  I really do.

The card snafu brought a lot of well deserved ribbing from my lunch cohorts.  Someone asked if I were going to send balloons to the funeral instead of flowers.  The conversation turned into what my funeral will look like.  Now, it will look like a birthday party, which thrills me to death (no pun intended).  I've always hoped that when the time happens it can really just be some celebration of life.  The celebration of someone who really tried to see the good, the humor in everything.  I told them in lieu of a will, I will just start wrapping my belongings, and they can open them like birthday gifts.  One friend called my fancy slippers.  I love it, since I have giant feet, and I refer to her as "the little one."  So, if I ever end up murdered, check her closet.  They are nice slippers.  Of course, I push her buttons so much, that one day it might be just that, that puts her over the edge.  haha.

After a hectic week, it's been great to sit here and write this morning.  Caleb spent the night out, Brian is at work, and Ryne is sleeping.  I made a chocolate smoothie this morning (I think I have the recipe on here-so good), am listening to some Air Supply right now, have a candle going, and the windows open.  It's a great morning.  It's the kind of morning one needs, after they are so hurried
they send a birthday card to someone who is in mourning.  

I have nearly 5 hours before we leave for the Air Supply concert.  I plan on enjoying every last minute of the quiet (before the older boy gets up and the other returns).  It should be a fun night with a good friend, listening to great music.  Also, Jesse gets to have her bff over while we are gone.  I so love watching those dogs play together.  It just might be my favorite thing.  I hope the day finds you well and able to appreciate everything about it.  Right now, the sun is out here in the middle of nowhere, and the birds are singing.  I'll take it.

Have a wonderful weekend

~Jen
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Meanest Mom in the World

7/12/2016

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Most of us parents have heard something along the lines of being the meanest parent in the world.  I didn't hear those exact words from my fifteen year old tonight, but I'm sure he was thinking much, much worse.  I see his disdain for me written all over his face sometimes. At times I worry, he'll always hate me, and other times, I have to remind myself that's just how it's going to have to be for a while.  I love him with my entire being, and I would love it if he actually liked me all the time.  But more than him liking me, I want to do right by him.  I want to make him accountable for his actions.  I want him to grow up to be the kind of man people look up to.  He's such a great kid and has such a big heart.  This is a hard age, though.  Holy shit is it hard.  So, tonight and for many, many more nights (as his phone has been taken away), he will think of me as some unreasonable, mean, heartless woman (although I'm sure a much harsher term is running through his head).  I just continue to hope and pray that one day (sooner than later), he realizes, that everything was truly done out of a place of love.  I'll even have to remind myself of that at times, too, when it feels like I'm not getting through and I'll feel my own anger in my chest.  Parenting a teenager equals an awful lot of deep breaths.

There are many things I wanted to write about tonight, but the wind has been taken out of my sails.  I will tell you that the "Summer of Concerts" got a nice surprise on Sunday night.  Sometimes you just get lucky...and that's what happened when I ended up last minute with tickets to Adele on Sunday night.  I love the shit out of Adele.  I was obsessed with 21 for a good couple of years.  Let me tell you, when you're depressed about moving, and your dog dying....Adele can only make it worse.  Haha.  I used to think that it was good when I felt things deeply, because I was pretty surface through my younger years.  As I've gotten older, I've wished that I didn't feel things so deeply, though.  If I could change that about myself, I would.  And yes, with 25 I'm much more aware of Adele's stranglehold on my soul. I pre-ordered it on iTunes, but I've never sat down and listened to the album straight through.  I've heard all of the songs here and there, but sit and listen to that whole album?  Who the fuck wants to feel that?  Anyway, even though she cuts in places you wish weren't there, she is pure brilliance.  If you get the chance to see this show, take it. Three hundred level seats and all, I'd have to say it's one of the best shows I've ever seen.  Trust me on this one.  Those poor sons of bitches, Air Supply, have a lot to live up to on Saturday night.  I'm already disappointed in that concert.  Ha.

Well, writing has made feel better...so thank you for allowing me this platform. I'll leave you with the song that made me cry the hardest on Sunday.  You'll love/hate me for it.

Happy Hump Day Eve

Jen


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4th of July and making Lemonade

7/7/2016

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The Fourth of July holiday has come and gone.  If I’m not going back to Alaska for the holiday, I’m usually full of anxiety the entire week.  I was spoiled beyond words by growing up in Wrangell and what the 4th brings to the town.  It’s something straight out of a movie.  Kids are laughing, playing every carnival game, running every race, finding a way to be in all of the egg tossing events.  The list really goes on and on of what’s available for kids and adults alike.  Every event is offered to every age group.  I’ve loved the pictures of seeing my friends and family in these events this year.  It seems like my favorite picture is always someone midair doing the potato sack race, this year was no exception.  The look of happiness on my cousin Holley and my Aunt Fern’s faces as they’re doing the three legged race in a potato sack is fantastic (see above).  So, I mentally prepared myself to go through my usual depression/sadness the week of the 4th.  I even damn near talked myself into flying up there last minute.  This year was different, though.  I’m not sure why.  I was busy, as I usually try to keep myself during this holiday, but I don’t know…maybe at forty four years old, I’ve finally grown up and accepted that I can’t be home every year.  Me, grow up?  That’s a stretch, but it’s all I can really figure.  Every day I thought about what was going on: from the salmon bake on the 1st, to the boys could’ve been in the scrap fish derby on the 2nd; to the Queen coronation on the 3rd (btw my cousin’s step-daughter totally rocked it and came in second place.  It was a record year!), to getting a Bloody Mary before the parade on the 4th and making an entire day out of partying, playing, and visiting so many people I love, to finally the 5th of July where we’d go up the river and drink beer all day, after swearing that very morning we’d never drink again.  Yes, I thought it all through. I knew what I was missing.  Maybe that’s part of the reason I drank so much on the 1st here, in the middle of the United States, so far from home.  I thought it was all about the stress at work and celebrating a coworker’s birthday.  I mixed like a Junior High girl, and paid the price.  I did have fun, though, and I made it through the day without tears.  On the 2nd, we ventured into the city to buy a dishwasher (mine hasn’t worked, since we bought the house in Nov).  The 3rd we had friends over for a BBQ, and we spent the 4th at Wrigley Field watching the Cubs play.  We had a pretty great weekend!  Not one time, did I have tears about not being home.  I’d say that has to be a first for me.  Shit, maybe it is growth…  God knows I work hard enough on personal growth; it’d be nice to think something finally sank in.

With the uncertainty in the workplace lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes me happiest.  It’s the usual things, as it is for you…family, friends, my dog.  But if I lose my job, how could I spend my days feeling fulfilled, while making a living?  Writing certainly wouldn’t pay the bills for me (it's actually an expensive hobby), so I’ve been thinking long and hard.  I’ve been in purchasing for so long.  I haven’t loved it in a long time.  It’s hard for a person whose brain never stops, never stops writing in her head and creating,  to sit at a desk all day.  That’s reality, though.  We all have bills to pay.  I have growing boys, and that seems to bring unexpected bills every week.  I’ve got a couple of things I’m mulling over, and it’s fun to see a vision of myself who seems fulfilled at the end of each day.  A coworker/great friend and I have been discussing our futures in pretty painted detail lately.  It’s funny; I can see things and suggest things for him, much better than I can for myself.  That’s the way my head has always worked.  I wish I could see things more vividly for myself.  Maybe, that too, will come with time.

Life has been a little nuts lately, as I’m not a fan of uncertainty.  I have to say though, I realize every single day how blessed I am for so many things, even living here in the middle of nowhere right now.  I’m blessed to have a group of close friends from work, I didn’t have a year ago.  I like that I know where I’m going to be for the next six years (when Caleb graduates).  I love that my dog has a bff, and acts like a dog when she’s around her.  I fucking love that my good friend got excellent news from the Doctor yesterday. He has a health situation that could be very bad, but he has a best case scenario for his diagnosis.  I love the attitude and fight he’s brought to this, just as he does everything he’s passionate about in his life.  Really, there are so many things I’m thankful for everyday.  Although my job situation is stressing me out, I thanked God this morning, that I have a job that helps us pay our bills and provides security for my family.  I think about these things as I’m trying not to get pulled down by the uncertainties and changes that have been going on lately.  That’s all any of us can do.  We make the best out of what we have.  We do what we need to, in order to feel alive.  Today, I’m grateful for living out here, amongst people I would’ve never known.
Here’s hoping you embrace those things in your life.  Live your day like you’re Holley and Fern in that potato sack (I hope they forgive me for using their pic :)

-Oh, and as always around the 4th-here’s Shooter Jennings (Waylon’s son) with one of my all-time favorite songs.  You can see the song unfold perfectly can’t you?

Jen

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    Jen

    Age 47
    Married 24 years
    2 boys, 18 & 15
    email: diariesofafatass@gmail.com


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