In the past 4 hours I've had 3 1/2 beers.  To a normal person, this doesn't mean much, but to this heffer, it's a large buzz.  How is that possible?  It's not like I don't have the weight to soak it up.  Oh well.  I guess that's good.  I'm a cheap date :)
Leading up to this last weigh in I was feeling good.  I could tell the weight was coming off.  Brian was making lots of flattering comments....  All was good.  I mean, I'd only had 2 beers that week, but that night I had the 2 beers I did eat a big dinner.  But I felt really good about the week.  Then the scale...  I dropped 6 oz.  6 fucking oz.  I mean should I have clamped down a littler harder when sitting on the pot?  6 fucking oz....  I was 3 oz. away from dropping down to that next 10.  Trust me I was frustrated...truly frustrated, but I know the #'s don't lie.  I also knew that this next week wasn't the perfect week to make it up.  Ryne and  I had to go to Seattle for a Dr.'s appt.  We went over on Sunday and got situated at my dear friend, Misty's house.  Misty and I went to a local bar to meet up with Alaska friends to watch the Seahawks game.  As it turned out, my Mom met up with us there, too.  I wasn't supposed to see her for a few days, but luck was on our side.  It had been 2 1/2 years since I'd seen my Mom and most of the friends we met up with.  The Hawks kicked ass, and the bar was a rocking.  We all had a fantastic time.  Of course by fantastic, I mean we ate way too much (and the wrong things) and drank a shit load....  I know you're wondering, and a shit load is: it's a shit ton :)  Mom ended up staying a couple of days before going over to visit my sisters.  We ate very poorly during her trip.  I've worked really hard to recover this week, but I weighed myself this morning and was back up that 6 oz.  I'm sure today hasn't done me any favors.  I didn't eat enough today, and then I started drinking my calories.  I'm not going to come out a winner today. 
So Ryne's appointment finally provided us with some answers.  We've done so many tests, and Thank God the super scary stuff was all eliminated.  Ryne has Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  Apparently it's not surprising to see it at his age.  I guess at their age their bodies can by hypersensitive to things, that you and I might not even feel.  We don't know if it's going to be that type of IBS (that he outgrows), or if this is the one that's going to stay with him.  Ryne will continue on the meds that have been helping him, plus another supplement each day, and we have to really play with his diet.  Anything that's considered to be a "gassy" food, is supposed to be off limits or limited.  So, very low sugar, low dairy, avoid raw veggies, beans, etc....  The "safe" foods are meat (which kills me...), potatoes, rice, and some cooked veggies.   I thank God every day, that we know what it is, and that hopefully we will get Ryne a good quality of life soon...
I know it's silly, but the appointment really took a lot out of me.  I wish there was some magic pill (even more magic than the one he's taking), that could make him feel normal, but we'll get there.
We came back from the appt. Monday afternoon.  From there, it's been a really crazy week.  I loved spending time with Mom, but I also realized I'm more dependent on my new routine than first though.  Man, I'm particular.  I've stayed on track this week with walking, even though it was super freaking cold and windy all week.  I also had parent teacher conferences the past two days for the boys.  Cal's went really well.  I've seen it first hand lately, as I've been volunteering during their class outings and a big project.  Caleb really is a special kid.  He is a so polite, and he tries so hard...  Unfortunately for me, it's too hard for me to see him in the classroom environment.  I spent the last school year, eating up everything his staff and teachers told me.  "He's getting so social," etc.  I had talked myself into believing that Cal is just one of the kids now...  I so want him to fit in.  Look, I know you're thinking, fitting in is overrated.  I guess I don't want him to fit in, in that sense.  I just want him to be able to get the words out when he's called on.  I don't want to see his classmates frustrated by him, or even those that feel they need to help him.  Of course, I so appreciate those kids, but I so want for him not to struggle.  For him not to have Autism, no matter where he fits on that stupid fucking scale.  I want him not to cry when there's a bee flying around.  I'm coming off like an idiot, and I'm upsetting myself, so I'll move on.
Ryne's p/t conferences also went really well.  Ryne can be super shy, so that sucks when he's missed so much school.  He needs to communicate better with his teachers.  Some have been totally awesome about letting some missed assignments go, as he's doing well on the test, etc.  Others, are holding his feet to the fire, while still offering their support and help.  Anyway, he'd made the past 2 weeks straight to school (other than missing Mon for his Seattle apt).  He's getting on the right track, and thankfully that boy is naturally smart.  Maybe too smart for his own good.  Haha.
Things with me are fairly good.  Most of the time I feel really head healthy.  Every once in a while I'll doubt myself or a sadness will come over, but I've been dealing with those tiny moments well.  All in all I'm pretty happy with myself.  Of course I'm fucked up enough to write that sentence, and then think I need to follow it up with all my insecurities, but I'm not gonna :)  I'm going to end on a good note....  I'm a good person, just trying to make a good life for me, my family, and my dog every day.  ;)

Later,

Jen

I swear I'm PMS'ing.  I know it's too early, but good Lord my ovaries have been killing me, and I've got that sore throat feeling that I always get.  Bring it on.  I would love it to come before the holidays.  Ah, the holidays...  I haven't seen most of my family since my Cousin's wedding, over  2 1/2 years ago.  It was also the last time I've seen my Mom.  Anyway, my Mom will be here next week for a visit, and a total of 15 family members will be here for Thanksgiving.  I CANNOT WAIT!  It will be chaotic as our house is small, but I'm beyond excited.  Well, excited and overwhelmed all at the same time.  I have a lot going on before now and then, so I'm trying not to think about it too much until next week.  Jeepers.  I opened this blog to start on one topic, and I got off topic right off the bat.  That's me, I guess.
I just got done making a c.d. for myself.  I recently downloaded some new music, in an effort to get rid of a bad mood.  Music is everything.  I don't know why I sometimes don't have it in my life.  But it's been back.  I've always got Pandora going while I'm cleaning, etc.  I even made a friend a couple of c.d.'s for her birthday.  I haven't done anything like that in a while.  I'm going to head out for my walk soon, and I'm not even going to check Stern first...I'm just going to throw that c.d. in.  I think of it as growth!
Other than Ryne still having his tummy issues, life has been pretty good lately.  After taking Jesse for her walk on Friday, I stopped into this local brew pub that allows dogs.  It was fun to try new beer, and have actual conversation with people during the day.  After I got a good buzz on, H.P. and I decided to have a phone date.  Holy Cow...I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.  We drank all the while on the phone.  When we hung up, I noticed the phone showed 2 hours and 40 mins.  WTF?  I had no idea.  Surely that was the longest phone call of my life, but it didn't seem like more than a half an hour.  Good times in deed.
I'm still getting my walking in and paying attention to my diet (when I'm not drinking beer...).  My knee is a little sore the past couple of days, so I won't do any running on it again today.  I've been doing small amounts of running while on our normal walk.  But I think my knee is mostly sore from dumb lady that didn't handle her dog, and her dog went after mine, and I was knocked to the ground in the process.  I don't know if it was her dog that dropped me, or if it was Jesse when she went to hide behind me.  Look, at this weight...it's not a delicate drop to the ground.  Oh, I was fucking pissed.  Yes, and I also peed myself a little bit as I was taken by such surprise.  I got up out of the mud, with a scraped hand, and I just start walking away, and I hear this nonchalant, "Sorry about that."  I really wanted to drop her, and while looking down on her in the mud, say, sorry about that.  But....that's not who I am in real life, just in my head.
A friend was texting me today about some health concerns with her weight.  She said she hated journaling her food, so for a week, she took pictures of everything she ate.  I thought that was genius.  Anyway, she looked back after a week, and she realized she hadn't eaten one vegetable or fruit during that time.  I can so relate.  If I'm off track, that's how I am.  I can just say that these past 9 weeks I've made myself think about every single thing I put in my mouth.  It doesn't mean I've been perfect.  I've just had to think about it.  I make an effort to make sure half or more of plate is comprised of veggies.  I'm like a little kid.  I don't always want to do it.  I don't love salad, but I make myself do it.  Then when I actually eat, it's just second nature.  I'm not fighting eating it.  It's the one thing I make sure I finish.  Also, I don't love apples, but I've been eating one every day the past month or so.  I make myself excited for them by dipping every other slice into a lite caramel sauce.  I don't use a lot, but it makes all the difference.  Anyway, my friend and I were talking about that today, and I thought I'd bring it up if you, too have issues making yourself eat healthy food.
Well, I've been fairly lazy today.  I should get out and get that walk in.  I've also go to run by the store.  I'm making fish tacos for the first time tonight.  I'm not the greatest cook, so I've got my fingers crossed they turn out.

I hope this day has found you happy in your own skin and doing your best to own the day.

~Jen

Oh wow.  What a week it has been.  I get  anxiety really even just thinking about it.  Ryne is still not feeling well.  His Dr. was off all of last week, so waiting to see if he still wants to move Ryne's appointment up.  There is no room, so he'll have to be the one to fit him in somewhere.  Anyway, I'm ready for this appointment and hoping to God for some solid answers.
My husband and me have really had different approaches to handling Ryne's illness.  Hubby is less patient than me, and it's really hard for him when you're dealing with a 12 y/o boy.  One minute Ryne can be trying to tackle Brian or his brother, and the next minute he's doubled over in pain.  Brian has had frustration in the school Ryne's missed, etc., b/c he thinks Ryne should be able to handle it.  He's right in a lot of ways.  Ryne does really need to deal with it as missing school doesn't make him better.  Really, it just makes it worse, because then you add the stress of making up work, etc.  So, I've had to really be the one that's kind of had to stand up for Ryne with Brian or his Pediatrition.  I have to work with the school nurse, his teachers, etc.  No, no, I know what you're thinking...I'm making this about me.  Really, I'm just trying to let you know how it's been for me before I explain some of the things from the last week.  Ryne has just come off of 3 weeks of no sugar (including fruit, juice, sugar substitutes, etc).  It was hard on Ryne, and I'm glad we tried it, but really we didn't see any difference.  There was a couple of instances over that time, where I'd found Ryne had eaten a granola bar or something like that.  It was really frustrating.  So, I was feeling untrusting as we had to go into his fast leading up to his endoscopy and colonoscopoy.  I really had to stay on top of him to make sure he wasn't eating, etc.  It was a constant worry, as he's proven he's not always truthful of such things.  So, last week while the boys were at school, I changed their bedding.  I lifted Ryne's pillows to find dozens of empty Halloween candy bar wrappers.  I continued to find them behind his bed and under his bed, as well.  Ryne knows he's not supposed to eat in his room.  In fact, he's currently on a 1 month restriction from the X-Box, for breaking that rule every single day.  The candy was there....right after we'd come off of those 3 weeks without sugar.  I was home alone, but I lost it.  I completely lost it.  How are we supposed to get him better when he eats like that?  Of course his stomach is going to kill him!  Look, I know that's not the only reason his tummy hurts, but if we can't trust him when we are adjusting his diet....he's liable to never get better.  Finding that candy really just confirmed the fears I'd already been having about his eating habits.  I get where the kid is coming from....his tummy can't handle food in the morning, so he doesn't eat until lunch, and I make him a very bland lunch, and he still can't handle much of that.  By the time he gets home from school, he's starving.  Instead of eating the right things, he's been binging on things that won't help him.  We'll then notice that all of a sudden a box of crackers has been eaten, etc., but he'll deny, deny, deny.  Ryne's lost some weight, but he hasn't lost as much as we would've expected given the amount of food we see him eat.  Sooo....after getting in trouble (both for eating in his room and lying about eating his bros. Halloween candy), I took away his computer and phone.
Just a couple of days later, I was on him about his lunch box.  I had to order more, because the kids keep losing them.  He said he finally brought it home, and brought it in the kitchen (it had been in his bedroom).  I had my back turned, as I was cleaning.  By the time, I went to grab it, I saw ANTS.... all over his lunch box.  They were on the outside and crawling all over the inside along his rotten banana, etc.  I quickly got it into a hot, soapy sink, but there were now ants all over the counter.  I killed all I could find, but I now how an ant issue in the kitchen...  I would see one every once in a while before that, but nothing like it is now....  The only other time I'd seen so many was when he was made to clean his room, and he brought out bottles of soda, that had them crawling around everywhere.  How is it that the biggest sugar ant problem is in a bedroom?.....  We've sat him down and talked to him about not sneaking food and just telling us when he's hungry.  We always have plenty of food in the house (although a lot of it is healthy, so the kids don't always think so).  We want to work together with him....  We all need to be on the same level in regards to his health. 
Ryne finally seemed to be "getting it."  I went into Sat., feeling like we'd finally broken through to him.  That is, until I saw something jabbing out of his sweat pants this weekend.  For a split second, I was like Oh God that isn't a....  but I realized it couldn't be and asked him what was in his pocket as he was heading to his room.  In one pocket was a FUCKING SLICE OF PIZZA and the other was full of pretzels.  Dear God...  I'm going to end up with an ulcer by the time this is all said and done.  The kid is really thin, but I'm super worried that he's developed some food issues because of me.  I mean, I've been obese a lot of his life...  I've never been much of a sneak eater, but I certainly have too many stories of buying a $1 burger (before going Veggie) before going home for dinner or having Hostess Cupcakes hidden in my office drawer, etc.  Okay, I guess I was more of a sneak eater than I  thought.  Now my son is having clear issues, and it scares the shit out of me.  The last thing I want to hand down to my children are my issues.  I've always worked so hard on making sure they don't get them/see them.  Okay, I don't have the answers for this one...  I certainly have to have a discussion with his Dr about it, though.  If Ryne does have IBS or Celiac, his life is going to be centered around only eating certain foods.  Okay.  I'm done talking about it.  I'm sorry to have burdened you with it all, but it's been consuming me.
 
I have fun things to talk about tomorrow.  I promise.  Okay, the weigh in.  I was down nearly 4 lbs this week!  Yay!  That means I'm down a total of 18 lbs in the last 9 weeks.  I'm also 9 oz away from getting down to the next # on the scale.  I really want to lose a few this week, so I'm comfortably in that range.  If I'm in that range, I'll feel like it's more manageable.  My starting weight has been so overwhelming and has felt insurmountable most of the time.  I look forward to being at a # and going, shit, you are a fat fuck, but you can do this!  I mean, I'm now 11 pounds away from when I got pregnant with Cal and the Dr. told me I didn't need to eat for two.  LOL!  Ah....  She was right and that was a big wake up call at the time.  I took a lot of weight off for a few years, before the Autism diagnosis sent me spiraling out of control.  I came back from that, and I'll come back though this, too.  Yay, 18 POUNDS!

I hope you all are well!  As always, I thank you for your quiet support.  I know you're out there.

~Jen

Today is a tough one.  Ugh...  Big time frustrations with just about everything.  Today is totally on par with my terrible habit of going "all or nothing."  I'm feeling like a terrible parent with Ryno.  I love that kid with all my heart, but he pushes my buttons....I mean all of them sometimes.  I need to find a way to get through to that kid...
I'm sure I won't though.  I've never been able to get through to my own husband when it comes to cleaning up after himself.  21 years of frustration right there.  Trust me...if he's cleaning, it's either because we have company coming and I ask him to help, or if he wants to get laid.  He knows that's the easiest way into my pants.  C'mon!  He Knows!  Shouldn't he do it everyday?!  Man, I just want to scream sometimes.

I'm trying real hard to make the most of this day where I just want to bury my head in the sand.  I made myself leave the house and go on my 4 mile walk with Jesse.  Unfortunately, Jesse decided to run after some rabbits and not come back for 10 minutes.  It was getting dark, I mean really dark (at 5:00 what the fuck is up with that?), and I was hustling as we needed to pick Cal up at 5:30.  Also, note to self.: don't walk in the dark in the woods....you twist your knee, you dumb ass.

I also did myself a big favor and chatted online with my good friend, Tami, today.  We used to do it everyday when I worked, but I haven't done much of it out here, until the last week or so.  I'm so blessed to have someone like her in my life.  She really is a great friend.

So, despite waking up on the wrong side of the bed...and it getting worse as the day went on...I'm still trying to make the most of the day.  I just downloaded some new music.  I hadn't done that in quite some time.  Right now, I'm listening to The Monster by Eminem and Rihanna.  Good stuff.

Oh, I also kept my shit together today with regards to my diet.  It's a big victory for me on a day like today.

Alright...I'm calling it an early night.  Hope you all have a great one!

~The Angry Bitchy One   ;)

"Wrecking Ball"  by Miley Cyrus


We
clawed, we chained our hearts in vain
We jumped never asking why
We
kissed, I fell under your spell.
A love no one could deny

Don't you
ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie,
running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking
ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your
walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me

I
put you high up in the sky
And now, you're not coming down
It slowly
turned, you let me burn
And now, we're ashes on the ground

Don't you
ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie,
running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking
ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your
walls
All you ever did was wreck me

I came in like a wrecking
ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing
fall
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me

I
never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of
using force
I guess I should've let you win
I never meant to start a
war
I just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should've let you
win

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want
you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love

All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me

I
came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left
me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you,
you wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me

I saw this today, and it really hit home with me.  This is such a simple saying, but it should be my mantra.  I think I've got the standing alone part down :)  Sometimes I know when I need help, but asking for it hard.  I suppose it's that way for most of us.  Especially if you're a stubborn fuck like me ;)  This rings true even with my own husband.  I hold it in and shut him out sometimes, and I did exactly that this past weekend.
We went to Seattle on Friday for Ryne's colonoscopy and endoscopy.  We checked in at noon, but the anesthesiologist was running behind, so I don't think Ryne actually went in until 2:30.  The procedure took about an hour or so.  We finally got out of there around 6.  What a long ass day!
Ryne was really a big boy about it all.  He certainly wasn't excited about having the procedure, but he is so ready to feel better.  He's ready to know why he's felt like shit for over 2 months now.  I was pretty proud of his attitude going into it.  After Ryne's Dr. was done, he met with us for 15 minutes or so to show us pictures and explain what he saw in there.  He saw inflammation markers, but that was expected.  Other than that, everything looked good inside.  We've got the color photos to prove it.  Yucky, haha.  The Dr. is now leaning toward Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  The pain meds do help (although don't make it go all the way away), and that's another sign that it might be IBS.  Anyway, the Dr. also took a couple of tiny biopsies while in there.  They are testing for IBS, celiac, and other things I can't think of.  It was such a quick discussion.  The results should be back in 1-2 weeks.  We meet again with the Dr. in a couple of weeks to go over everything and how to move forward.  Ryno is also going to take part in a pain study, while we are there.  I'm not thinking too much about IBS as we seem to keep going down different roads.  Hopefully this next appt. will provide some definitive answers.
Ryne woke up in quite the mood after coming out of sedation.  It lasted all night.  Boy oh boy...  Brian seemed to be in a mood, too, or maybe he just wasn't in the mood to put up with me.  Who knows.  The whole thing just wiped me out.  I mean...I felt like a walking zombie.  I still felt that way as we came home on Sat.  I couldn't snap out of it.  Brian was trying.  I holed up in my room, and he was in here with me holding my hand, etc.  Really, I just wanted to be alone.  I guess we all feel like that sometimes.  But he is my partner, and I need to do a better job of letting him in, sometimes.  (Like today with AD...haha).  My funk lasted the entire weekend.  I ate terribly Fri-Sun.  I also did shit for exercise.
This leads me to the weigh in.  I damn near took a mulligan.  I really, really did not want to get on that scale.  You know, the same scale that I gained 2 pounds on the week before.  Despite how horrible those 3 days were on my diet (btw..fucking Halloween candy...had to send it all to Cal to school for the troops.  I can't be around it), I had done fairly well on those days leading up to it.  Thurs. I did 19,500 steps.  By far, that was the most I'd done to date.   Anyhoo, with today's weigh in, I'd lost 13 oz.   I know, that's not good.  It really isn't, but I'll take it.  That's all I can do.  I've done a lot of thinking about my mindset over the weekend, and I know eating like that and staying in bed, does nobody any favors.  It doesn't make Ryne better, and it certainly doesn't make me better, and I NEED to get better....  Having this kind of excess weight is simply terrible and inexcusable.  If my younger self, knew that I would turn out to be an obese adult, she'd be mad as hell.  If you could make her believe it...she would be so disgusted.  So, today I put one foot in front of the other.  I've eaten really well.  I've been a good parent, wife, dog owner, and I'm currently at 12,693 steps.  I'm trying and today it isn't hard.  Life isn't always easy, but it's up to us to try....You know, as Pink likes to sing (best video of all time).  I was down for a couple of days, but I'm back up.  This is going to be a good weight loss week.  I know it!

I hope this day finds you all well!  I hope it's a day that didn't require any trying, that it was just an effortless good.

In honor of Try, I'll leave you with the lyrics to the song.  I know I've done that a few times already, but also my close friend Laura is going to this concert in Chicago tomorrow.  So, this is for her, too :)

Cheers my friends,

Jen

"Try"


Oh
oh

Ever wonder about what he's doing?
How it all turned to lies?

Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why

Where there is
desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's
bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna
die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try,
and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Eh, eh,
eh

Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple
times
Why do we fall in love so easy?
Even when it's not right


Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a
flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns

Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and
try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and
try, and try

Ever worry that it might be ruined
And does it make you
wanna cry?
When you're out there doing what you're doing
Are you just
getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by, by, by?

Where there is
desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's
bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna
die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try,
and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up
and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You
gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and
try

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try,
and try, and try